Series 6 - Episode 2 - Dates INT. NIGHT. TROTTERS' LOUNGE. Rodney is seated at the table working something out with the help of a calculator and many grubby receipts, etc. Del is seated watching TV. He is wearing a silk dressing gown and matching silk pyjamas. He smokes a big cigar and sips an exotic cocktail. His air of civility suggests he is at one with the world, in other words they've been earning recently. Rodney Have you any idea how much money we've made recently? Del Loads of bunce, Rodders, loads of bunce. Rodney We've made nearly two thousand pounds in the last month! Del Am I a genius or just a miracle worker? Rodney We've sold over four hundred of those ladies electric razors. Del I told you they'd sell, didn't I? Rodney You'd never guess there was that much hair about, would you? Del Oi, you chuck all those receipts and bills down the chute. I don't want no evidence left in the flat. Albert enters from his bedroom. He is carrying a battered old black tin box. Rodney (Referring to the box) What's that dirty looking thing? Del That is your Uncle, Rodney, please show a bit more respect! Del and Rodney laugh. Del (Cont'd) Help yourself to a drink, we're celebrating. Albert Yeah, thanks, son. This is from my old days, Rodney. All those years ago when I used to sail the seven seas. Rodney What is it, treasure? Albert has opened the box and produces a bundle of tattered and brown letters and photographs, etc. Albert No, just a few old photos and letters from my days in the navy. It's nothing much - just me memories! Del Don't worry. Rodney's chuck- ing a whole load of gear down the chute in a minute, he'll get rid of it for you. Albert This is a history of my life!! Del That's why I thought you'd wanna get rid of it! Rodney has picked up one of the photographs. Rodney Is that you? Albert Yeah. That's when I first joined the navy. Seventeen I was. Rodney You ain't changed, Unc. Del What d'you mean, he had a big white beard then? Rodney No, I mean he's wearing the same clothes! Del and Rodney laugh. Albert What's the matter with you two daft sods? Del We've had a blinding month. (Picking up a photo) What's this one? '1941. My birthday party on board HMS Peerless.' Cor, they look a bunch of toerags, Albert! Albert Yeah. That's me and some of me mates when we was serving out in the South China Sea. They were brave lads, Del. Look at 'em, like steely-eyed young lions. Del Yeah. You look more like Clarence the cross-eyed lion! Albert Well, I'd just been to a nightclub celebrating me birthday. Rodney Who's the bloke with the G- string and the ruby in his belly-button? Albert That's one of the dancing girls from the nightclub. We'd sneaked her back to 'show her round HMS Peerless!' Albert gives out a licentious laugh. Del You dirty old goat! Albert The captain used to call it 'A submarine hunter'. But she was nothing more than an old tug. Del (Studying photo) Yeah, she looks like a rough and ready girl. Albert I'm talking about HMS Peer- less! Del Oh sorry! Albert Just a few hours after that photo was taken we was in action. Rodney (Studying photo) I'm surprised it took you that long! Albert A Japanese sub was spotted in the area. Del That's all you need, innit? Albert There was an American aircraft-carrier, anchored off-shore. The USS Pittsburgh. It was our job to protect her. Well, we'd only been sailing for about an hour and we crashed right into her. Cor, didn't half make a noise! Del (Incredulous) You went and whacked into the boat that you were going out to protect? Albert Yeah. It was a good job she was there actually, she picked up most of the survivors. Rodney Was your ship badly damaged? Albert We couldn't tell, Rodney, it sunk. Course, they tried to put the blame on me. Del Sounds fair. Albert Just 'cos I was on watch at the time. I had me excuses ready. Rodney What, you were drunk? Albert Don't be silly! The American vessel was at battle stations and was showing no light. You weren't allowed, there was a war on. Del Course there was. Albert So then they tried to get me on naval technicalities, like it happened in broad daylight. Rodney You didn't see an aircraft carrier? Del Forty-two thousand tons of steel! Rodney In broad daylight! Albert Well, I wasn’t close enough! Rodney You must have been reasonably close, Unc, you hit it! Del They'd have stood more chance with Ray Charles in the crow's nest! Albert Well, I mean I wasn't up on deck. I was in the radar room watching the screen. I couldn't make head nor tail of it. It was all blibs and blobs. Still, the Japanese sub had it away a bit lively. Rodney I suppose it didn't feel needed with you around. Did you get into trouble for it? Albert Court-martial. The papers were sent to naval headquarters, Singapore. Rodney You were court-martialled? Albert No. As luck would have it, before my trial the Japanese invaded! And I never heard another word about it. And the blokes in my lifeboat used to say I was unlucky! Albert exits. Del That was a bit strong, try- ing to court-martial him. Rodney He had just ruined a perfectly good aircraft- carrier. Del Yeah, but it was his birth- day! Rodney Oh yeah, I forgot! (Looking at the photo) But not for long though! This picture was taken at his birthday party in 1941, right? You seen the date? Del That's about a fortnight's time, innit? Rodney Yeah. You don't think the ancient mariner was trying to let us know so that we'd arrange a birthday treat, do you? Del Wash your mouth out with soap and water, Rodney. Your Uncle Albert is not a crafty person! He's as cunning as a lighthouse rat! The sly old git! Right, he wants a surprise for his birthday does he? Rodney What you gonna do? Del Dunno yet, but I'll think of something to pull him up a bit lively! Rodney Let's give him one of those electric razors! They both break down laughing. INT. DAY. NAG'S HEAD PUB. This is lunchtime. We can hear piano music. Boycie is at the bar wearing his usual wide-awake clothes. Mike is leaning on the bar and looking grimly in the direction of the piano. We see Albert at the piano. He is playing an off-key middle eight to some mysterious song. Mike and Boycie cringe at his efforts. After eight or nine seconds of this, Albert picks up the final chorus of the song. Albert (Singing) I'm in the mood for love. Albert runs to take his ovation. Mike (To Boycie) Why does he keep doing it, eh? Boycie Gawd knows. I suppose at some time in his life some- one told him he could play the piano. Mike Yeah, but I'd like to meet the git who told him he could sing! Boycie He's a Trotter! What more can you say about the man? A couple of years ago I went down the local library and read some ancient manuscripts written by the Elders of Peckham. Did you know, five hundred years ago this was a green and peaceful area? The old Earl of Peckham had a castle where the Kwik-Fit exhaust centre now stands. Flaxon- haired maidens used to dance round the village maypole of an evening. And then one fateful medievil day, the Trotter clan arrived in a stolen Zephyr. Before you knew it the flaxon-haired maidens were up the spout, the old Earl had been sold some hooky armour and someone nicked the maypole! A hundred years after that the Black Death arrived in England. The people of Peckham thought their luck had changed. Mike nudges Boycie and gestures towards entrance door. Mike 'Ere, talk of changing luck, look at this! We see that Trigger has just entered. He is wearing a brown two-piece suit, a purple shirt, orange tie covered with a colourful V'neck jumper and is carrying a small spray of flowers. Trigger Alright Boycie? Boycie Well, I was! Mike places a drink on counter in front of Trigger. Mike There you go Trigg, there's a scotch, mate. Trigger How did you know I wanted a scotch? Mike 'Cos if I was dressed like that, I'd want a scotch. Boycie Er, is this something to do with a new religion? Trigger I'm taking a lady out to lunch. Mike and Boycie (Incredulously) You sure? Trigger Yeah, positive. I've booked us a table at that little Italian place opposite. I thought I'd better try an' make an impression. Boycie Well you'll certainly do that Trigg, no worries. Trigger Thanks, Boycie. Del and Rodney enter. Del calls towards the bar. Del Good morning, Michael. Same again for Boycie, a non- alcoholic lager-top for Rodney, a Malibu and cherryade for moi, and one for yourself. (Looking at Trigger) Is it Comic Relief Day again? It only seems a little while ago. Mike (Interrupting him) No, it ain't Comic Relief Day. Trigger I've got a date. Rodney You wanna watch them stones, 'cos Del got one caught in his throat last Christmas. Trigger No, Dave. I mean I've got a lunch date with a lady. Del and Rodney You sure? Trigger Yeah! I've gotta meet her in a couple of minutes. I just popped in for some Dutch courage. Del Who is it? Anyone we know? Trigger You don't know her. Come to that, I don't know her either. Mike How d'you mean? Trigger produces some paperwork. Trigger These people arranged it for me. All 'The Technomatch Friendship and Matrimonial Agency'! Del You've been to a computerised dating firm? Trigger Yeah. They've just opened up down the High Street, so I thought I'd have twenty-five quids worth, see what occurs. Boycie So what's the bird look like? Trigger I dunno, they don't show you pictures of each other. Mike That's a bit risky, innit? Del (Defending Trigger) Well, that's her problem! Trigger They fed all my information into a computer and it came out with a woman who was compatible with me. There are fearful reactions as to what this woman might look like. Trigger (Cont'd) That's what I like about this agency, you know where you stand with 'em - they insist on honesty. Boycie So you told 'em you're a road sweeper? Trigger No, I told 'em I was a bus inspector. Rodney Why? Trigger To add a bit of glamour! Rodney Oh yeah, good idea. Trigger downs the whiskey in one gulp. Trigger Right then, here goes. I'll see you later. Trigger exits. Boycie Well, rather him than me. He's walking straight into the unknown. Mike moves down the bar to serve customers. Rodney It's a bit like that tele- vision programme, innit? Boycie Yeah. Rodney You know, Blind Date. Boycie Oh, I thought you meant That's My Dog! (Laughs) Marlene and Duke sit and watch that - soppy as sacks the two of 'em - Duke gets more questions right than her. Del moves down the bar towards Mike. Del Mike, can I have a word about Albert? Mike Well, there's a coincidence Del, I wanted to have a word with you about him as well. Del He's not still singing here of an evening, is he? Mike Oh no, no, no, no. He’s doing matinees now! My pie sales have fallen! Del I'll have a word with him, Mike. Look, listen, I wanted to ask a favour. It's Albert's birthday in a couple of weeks' time and I wanted to throw a little party for him. Mike What, in here? Del Well, yeah, yeah a few drinks, a bit of grub, that sort of thing. I'll stick a hundred and fifty across the counter to cover it. Mike You can have the pub on one condition - he doesn't sing! Del Fair enough, Mike. Mike He doesn't use no bad language in front of the ladies. Del Righto, Mike. Mike And he doesn't dance. Del Gotcher, Mike. Mike He tells no rude jokes. Del Goes without saying, Michael. Mike And he don't drink too much. Del Perish the thought. Mike He just sits down quietly and soberly and enjoys himself. Del He's gonna be really looking forward to this, Mike. Thanks for everything. Del returns to Rodney and Boycie. Del (Cont'd) He makes up more rules than the common market that bloke! Be honest, he's ruining this pub ain't he? Boycie I honestly wouldn't know, Del Boy, I'm very rarely in here these days. I spend most of my free time down at the lodge. Rodney Oh of course, the lodge. What is it you've become, a Buffalo? Boycie I am not a Buffalo! I am a pukka mason, secret hand- shakes, initiation ceremonies, the works! Del What d'you wanna join that bunch of dipsticks for? Boycie It is a great honour to be chosen! It is not something you turn down lightly, Derek. Oh no, it's changed my life. I'm involved with a lot of charity work. I'm helping the local needy and underprivileged. It's got it's good side as well. Us masons vow to help each other in business whenever humanly possible. Rodney It sounds like a load of old snobs trying to clone another load of old snobs. Boycie We're not snobs! Anyone can join. We come from all walks of life, right across the social spectrum. We've got estate agents, a judge, a commissioner of police, the mayor. We've got all sorts! Rodney Yeah, so's Bertie Bassett! That is not all walks of life, Boycie! Boycie We got, a...er, we got... a... got a television director! Rodney Yeah, what's he do? Film the secret handshakes in case you wallies forget? Del is creased up with laughter. Rodney Listen, I'm gonna have a chat with Mickey and Jevon. Mickey and Jevon Rodney! Del I'm popping down the betting shop. I'll pick you up later, alright? Rodney moves over to where Mickey and Jevon are standing. Boycie What is the matter with that boy? He's all social conscience! Del He's one of life's carers, ain't he? He reminds me a bit of my mum, don't he you? Del exits. Boycie Yeah. (To himself) Standing in the corner of a pub with two geezers! EXT.DAY. ITALIAN RESTAURANT. This could be the Nag's Head car park. Del exits from the pub and moves towards the van. He now does a double-take on something he has seen on the opposite side of the road. From Del's point of vie we see Trigger, still carry- ing the spray of flowers, and his date entering the Italian restaurant. His date is a woman in her mid-thirties. She is slim, smartly dressed and attractive. Del I don't believe it! That's a woman! He watches as the waiter shows them to a window table. Trigger hands her the spray. She smiles and thanks him politely. Del turns and walks to the van, shaking his head in confusion. INT. DAY. NAG'S HEAD PUB. We are in the bar. Rodney is still in the background talking to Mickey and the immaculate Jevon. We see Nerys. She is an attractive and shapely nineteen-year-old. Although she speaks with a south London accent and her clothes are geared to accentuate her figure, she is not a tart. She is in fact a rather nervous and neurotic type although she hides this rather well. Rodney moves up behind her. Rodney Wotchyer, Nerys. Nerys (Jumps) Oooh! You made me jump! Rodney It's only me. Can I get you a drink? Nerys I've got one. Rodney Oh. Nerys, I was wondering, maybe if you'd quite like to go out somewhere during the week. Nerys Where? Rodney I don't know, anywhere. Nerys Who with? Rodney Well... me. Nerys Yeah, alright then. But I work at nights so have to be during the day. Rodney Oh, I'll have to see if I can get a day off. Nerys But you told me you run the business. Rodney Well, yeah, yeah I do. I do run the business but y'know I don't like leaving Del in charge, he mucks me system up. I'll phone you on it. Nerys Alright then. I'll see you in the week. Rodney Right. Now we see Mickey and Jevon whispering to each other. They are obviously plotting some wind-up. Jevon (Quietly to Mickey) Go'n then, go'n! Mickey You come with me! The two approach Rodney. Mickey Alright, Rodney? How did you get on with Nerys? Rodney Okay. Jevon I'll bet you didn't get a date with her! Rodney Save your money, Jevon my man. I'm taking her out next week. Jevon How did you manage that? I've been trying to date her for ages - and bear in mind who's talking here. I've had to employ a secretary to handle all my dates! Mickey Rodney has got something you haven't got, Jevon. It's a thing called Machismo! I've told you before, Nerys is turned on by macho-men! Rodney reacts curiously to this. Mickey (Cont'd) I have known Rodney a lot longer than you and he can be a right hard nut when he wants to be! Rodney (Shrugs modestly) Well! Mickey And that is what Nerys goes for. Muscle and sweat. Jevon Yeah, but Rodney's no Master of the Universe. Mickey But he has the aura of inner strength! Rodney I'm wirey, see. Mickey Nerys likes guys who live their lives a hundred miles an hour. And they reckon when she's hot she is hot! The only guy who could put her out is Red Adair and he's too expensive! Jevon Yeah, well I think you should treat a chick with consideration. Mickey And that's why you'll never get a date with Nerys. She prefers a bunch of fives to a bunch of flowers. But if my main man here plays his cards right... See you big guy! Rodney is now mentally King of the Bronx. Rodney Hey. Jevon Take care. Rodney (Slapping hands with Jevon) Yo. Jevon (Another slap) Bro. Rodney & Jevon (Another slap) Woh! The last slap hurts Rodney's palm. Rodney walks towards the exit. It is more of a strut! A pimp roll. We cut back to Mickey and Jevon who are creased with laughter. One of the younger guys (Chris) enters and approaches them. Chris What's happening? Mickey Rodney Trotter's just got himself a date. Jevon And we've convinced him she likes really tough, macho- men! Chris Who's the bird then? Jevon Nerys. Chris What, nervous Nerys? Mickey and Jevon Yes! The three of them are laughing uproariously. EXT. DAY. FILM. BUSY LONDON HIGH STREET. We are in an elevated position. Opposite us we see the three-wheeled van at a parking bay with an out-of-order bag over the meter. The van is parked outside a shop which has been converted into an office and has frosted glass windows to give privacy to his clients. Across the frosted glass is printed: 'Technomatch Friendship and Matrimonial Agency'. INT.DAY. TECHNOMATCH AGENCY. It is a light and pleasant modern office. The agent is a smartly-dressed man in his mid-thirties. He has a computer and screen in front of him into which he prints information from Del's answers. Agent So can you tell me, what kind of person are you looking for? Del Well... a bird? Agent Yes. But are there any particular requirements? Del A local bird if possible, I don't want too much of that driving lark. Agent So you're not looking for a special type of person? Del Well, she's got to be a bit of a sort! Agent A bit of a sort? Del Well, everything in the right place, you now. She must be a bit refined. Agent Must she? Del Oh yes. I don't want you lumbering me with some old bow-wow who don't know the difference between a Liebfraumilk and a can of Tizer! The agent's expression tells us that he has never quite met anyone like Del before. Agent Quite! Del I'm a bit of a culture vulture meself you see. Agent Ah, a man of the arts. Del Oh yes, you can't whack it. And you can tell the lucky lady she is guaranteed a steak meal. Agent (Fazed) A steak meal? Del Guaranteed! Do you wanna put that on your floppy disc, or what? Agent Yes, I'll make a note. A steak meal. Now please don't feel pressurized by this next question. We're not trying to force you into any decision or commitment. The question is simply asked to protect our clients. Del Fire away. I’ve got nothing to hide. Agent What exactly do you seek from this proposed introduction. Is it simply friendship? Del Yeah, that'll do. Agent What I'm getting at is: do you see this leading to a more permanent relationship or even marriage? Del Slow down John. Blimey, you ain't even sorted me one out yet! Let's leave it at friendship for the time being, eh? Agent Yes, of course. Fine, well, let's see what surprises the computer has in store for you. I'll just feed your information into our main computer. We hear computer noises. Now data flashes up on the screen. Agent (Cont'd) Ah, now there's a lady here who may suit. Obviously a refined lady, she's on the board of governors of an arts fund committee. Thirty-eight years old. Del Knocking on a bit. Agent She's widowed. Del is not that interested. Agent (Cont'd) Her late husband was a stock -broker. Del is now interested. Agent (Cont'd) No, I don't think you're right for each other. Del Let's not jump the gun. I'll give it a bash if she will. Agent I don't think so. She's a rather - em - sensitive person. Del Well, that's right up my street, innit? Agent Yes! But she' specified a non -smoker. Del Well, win some lose some. The agent presses a key and more data appears on the screen. Agent This looks more promising. A young lady, thirty years old, something of a career woman. Del Go on. Agent She's an actress. Del Yeah? Is she famous? Agent I wouldn't have thought so, would you? Del No, I suppose not. Agent It might be a nice intro- duction seeing as you share a common interest. Del What's that? Agent Why the arts. Del Of course! Perfect. So where would we meet and how would we recognise each other - assuming of course she fancies the idea - what d'you say her name was again? Agent Miss Turner. Raquel Turner. Del D'you know that Raquel is my most favourite name? Agent How fortunate. In the present social climate we recommend that the first meeting is during the day - a lunch appointment. After that it's entirely up to the two clients. A good meeting place is under the main clock at Waterloo station. It's rather traditional and in its way quite romantic. It evokes memories of Trevor Howard and Celia Johnson. We suggest that the gentleman carries a bunch of flowers as a point of recognition and as a gift for the lady. Del Will do... did they hit it off alright? Agent Who? Del Well, this Trevor and the Celia sort. Agent Yes! Del Cushty. Right, well you get on the blower and give Raquel the old SP. Oh, and tell her to be on her toes, 'cos the last girl I met at Waterloo station got mugged on the escalator. Agent Yes, I'll tell her. When, or indeed if, you and Miss Turner should meet, we do emphasise the importance of complete honesty. There is very little future in fabrication or deceit. Del I agree. We've gotta be right up front with each other. Agent Good. Now I'm afraid I'll have to trouble you for the twenty-five pounds member- ship fee. Del peels some notes off a large wad. Agent I'm sorry I've forgotten, is there an E on the end of your name? Del No, E. It's Duval. Derek Duval. It's from the French side of the family. INT. DAY. TROTTERS' LOUNGE This is a week later. Albert is seated watching television. Del enters from the bedroom area. He is wearing his very best suit and jewellery. He moves to the mirror and checks his appearance (makes sure his fly is up). Albert You going out? Del No I'm gonna bleed the brakes on the van. Course I'm going out. Albert What is it special occasion? Del It might be Albert, you never can tell. Albert Oh. I didn't know if it was one of your mates' birthdays or something? Del No, no nothing like that. I'm taking a lady out to lunch. Albert When I was a lad, I had some smashing birthday parties. But when you get to my age nobody bothers. Del No, it's a bark innit, eh? Albert (Sadly) Yeah. So who's the bird? Del She's not a bird Unc, she's an actress. Albert Yeah? Who? Del Raquel Turner. Albert Name don't ring a bell. What's she been in? Del Oooh lots. I can't remember 'em all of the top of me head. Albert What's she look like? Del (Hasn't got a clue) Em, it's difficult to describe her. Albert Well is she tall, short, fair, dark, fat, thin? Del She's an actress, she changes her appearance. Albert How you gonna recognise her then? Del I'll recognise her! Don't keep going on about it. Albert If you've got anything for the launderette go and get it now. Del Why, it's not your washing day today is it? Albert No, but Rodney's going out as well. I don't wanna sit in this flat on me own. Albert exits to kitchen. Del now practices meeting Raquel. Del Miss Turner, how lovely - no, no, Muzz! Muzz Turner, how lovely to meet you. I've admired your work for many years. May I call you Raquel? Do you know that Raquel is my most favourite name? (Chuckles confidently to himself) My old joie de vivre will knock her bandy. A little livener before we go. Del moves to the cocktail cabinet. The door from the bedroom area opens and a hesitant Rodney peers into the room as if checking that the coast is clear. As Del is behind the door, or at least out of Rodney's eye-shot, he thinks he is alone in the room. He is wearing his macho gear. A pair of dirty jeans with a large silver buckled belt, a grubby armless T-shirt and a thick leather wrist band. He is unshaven and his hair is greased back. He strides confidently towards the mirror. He practices his meanest look in the mirror. Del cough. Rodney spins round and tries to act as casual and normal as possible. Rodney Oh, you're still here then? Del Yeah, just about. I thought you were taking that Nerys bird out? Rodney I am. Del Well, you better get ready or you'll be late. Rodney I am ready! Del You're going out like that? Rodney What's wrong with me? Del Well, you look like an 'ooligan! Rodney It is the fashion. Haven't you read about it? It's called the James Dean look. Del Yes, but when they say the James Dean look, they mean before the crash. I can't see you getting very far with young Nerys dressed like that, Rodney. Rodney (Tapping his nose) Will you just keep it out? Let me lead my own life! Del I won't say another word. Maybe she goes for blokes who look like Barney Rubble. Albert enters from the kitchen with a washing bag. Albert I thought you were going out? Rodney I am going out. Albert Well, hurry up and change, I'll take those clothes down the launderette for you. Rodney I am wearing these clothes!! Albert Yeah? Where you taking her ' then, scrumping? (Laughing) Del Boy's going out to lunch with a world famous actress! Rodney (Totally unmoved) Yeah? You got my socks and pants in there? Albert Yeah, I've got 'em, boy. I'll see you later. Albert exits. Rodney So who is it then, Meryl Streep? Del No. Raquel Turner. Rodney Are you kidding me? Del No, straight up. Rodney What, the Raquel Turner? Del Well yeah, have you heard of her? Rodney No. Rodney laughs. Rodney (Cont'd) She been in anything? Del Yes, load of things but nothing that you would have seen her in, Rodney. Rodney What's that mean? Del It means she has not been on Top of the Pops or repeats of Batman. Rodney So where you taking her? Del I am meeting her at Waterloo station and I have booked a table for lunch at the Hilton in Park Lane. Rodney You taking the van? Del No, I am not taking the van! Rodney where would you meet an actress? Del Em, a friend of mines in show business. Introduced us. Rodney acts as if he's catching on to the truth. Rodney Wait a minute. The other day Albert took a call for you. It was some agency. Del closes his eyes with the embarrassing truth is about to be revealed. Del Oh yeah, was it? Rodney (Now his lovely innocence) Is your mate an agent? Del (Can't believe his luck) Eh? Yeah, he's a show business agent. Yeah, that's it. Rodney Bloody 'ell, Del. You wait till I tell the others! Hey, any chance of an autograph? Del Yeah, no problem. I'll get you hers as well. Del walks to the mirror and smothers himself in after- shave from a nearby bottle of Brut. Rodney (Worrying) Del, you don't think you are being a bit ostenta- tious? Del (Studying his mirrored image) Well maybe, but I can afford it. Rodney No, what I meant was... Rodney gestures at Del's clothes, but too frightened to speak. Rodney (Cont'd) Well you know the Hilton and all that; Don't you think you're being a teensy-weensy bit over the top? After all she's an actress and she's bound to be very cool and laid back. Del Rodney, give me credit for having some savvy. I do know that a woman like Raquel appreciates the subtle approach. I have played the game before. I know what I'm doing. Rodney Yeah, of course you do! Well best of luck. Del Cheers bruv. From kitchen, Del produces a gigantic bouquet of flowers, complete with a large, pink satin bow. Del (Cont'd) Open the door for us, Rodders. Del, and the bouquet, exit. EXT. DAY. WATERLOO STATION. We see Del (in his camel hair coat) and the bouquet waiting beneath the clock in the main concourse of the station. He paces a small area nervously. He checks the clock which stands at 12.30. He checks again his watch. Now rechecks his watch and taps it a few times as if it is wrong. We see a policeman patrolling the station. He observes Del (not suspiciously at this point) more out of interest, he's never seen such a large bouquet. Del miles nervously to the policeman. EXT.DAY. CORNER OF URBAN ROAD. Nerys is standing on a corner waiting for Rodney. We see the van pulling up behind her with Rodney, in his James Dean look, driving. Rodney bips the hooter. This makes the nervous Nerys jump. Rodney opens the passenger door from the inside and then lounges back in the driver's seat, all muscle and machismo. He has a newly-lit roll-up between his lips (maybe a pair of shades). Nerys studies the van critically. Rodney Hi. He pats the passenger seat. Nerys climbs in. Nerys Is this a three-wheeled van? Rodney Well, it was the last time I counted! Nerys I've never been in a three- wheeled van before. Rodney Well then you have never really lived! Nerys It's sort of - oh, what's the word? Smelly. Rodney That is the odour of honest toil and sweat, Nerys. So, where'd you fancy going? Nerys I don't mind. Rodney Just name your destination. Nerys I don't care. Rodney So there's nowhere special? Nerys No, anywhere. Rodney Shall we take in a movie? Nerys I don't fancy the pictures. Rodney D'you fancy a hamburger? Nerys No, I've just had e dinner. Rodney Where'd you wanna go then? Nerys I don't mind, anywhere. Rodney Well, that's cool, Nerys. We'll just cruise. Nerys What, in a three-wheeled van? Rodney Yes! This will be an experience you will never forget, Nerys. Rodney very coolly takes the cigarette from his lips and flicks it out of the window. The cigarette hits the glass of the window which Rodney has forgotten to wind down. Rodney (Cont'd) Oh shit! Nerys You didn't wind your window down! Rodney I know I didn't! Get out quick before it catches fire! Nerys alights from the van. Rodney alights from van. We leave them with Nerys standing on the pavement and Rodney down on his hands and knees at the open driver's door, searching for the dog end. EXT. DAY. WATERLOO STATION. Del is waiting anxiously. He looks up to the clock which stands at 12.35. Del reacts as he sees there is a woman standing beneath the clock just a few yards from him. She has her back to Del. From the back she appears to be a slender and sophisticatedly dressed woman. Del takes a deep breath and approaches. Del (Nervously) Hello. Sonia Hello, love. Del Blimey! You're not Raquel, are you? Sonia I can be anyone you want, darling. Del No, no, I mean you're not an actress, are you? Sonia Well, I've played a few demanding roles in me time. There's a very nice little hotel round the corner, why don't we go and discuss it there? Del No, that's alright, there's been a bit of a mistake. My fault entirely. Sonia becomes annoyed with him. Sonia Oh you're one of those who just likes to 'talk' aren't you? Del No, really. It was a genuine mistake. I'm waiting for someone and I thought you... Look, I'm starting to lose my rag, sweetheart. I'll count to ten then I'll shove these flowers... We don't hear Del's next words as they are drowned by the sound of a train's klaxon. We don't even see Del say the words as we cut to the policeman who is watching the argument with growing suspicion. We cut back to Sonia who appears surprised as what Del has just said. Sonia You realise that will be extra. Del Oh God. Sonia (Spotting the policeman) Oh hell - the filth! See you darling. She exits. Del gives the policeman an embarrassed smile. EXT. DAY. DOWNTOWN STREETS. We see the three-heeled van approaching with Rambo Rodney at the wheel. Now we see a beat-up Cortina waiting to turn out of a side road. There are five really tough-looking yobs inside the car (usual thing, radios blaring, lots of verbal). Rodney screeches to a halt. Nerys lets out a nervous yelp of fear. The yobs (without stopping) scream a load of abuse at Rodney ('Out of the way, pus-head' 'Get that heap of shit off the road'). As the Cortina roars away, Rodney sticks his finger in the air and calls after them. Rodney Swivel on that, camel-breath! Rodney smiles confidently to the nervous-looking Nerys. Cut to interior of van. Nerys Weren't you frightened? Rodney What, of them punks? Noooo way! EXT. DAY. WATERLOO STATION. The clock stands at 12.45. Del has got fed up caring the bouquet and now reacts and puts flowers on the floor. Del checks his watch and then the station clock. Now let us see Raquel approaching the clock. We should know it's her by her nervous hurry. Raquel is in her early thirties. She is attractive and has a good figure and studies her appearance. Her clothes are smart but not designer stuff. She is a working class girl (from any part of the country) and has to watch the pennies. We shall discover that she as been hurt in her life, and when this happens people react in one of two ways. They either become hard and distance them- selves from any possible further harm, or they try even harder to please others in the hope that someone will like them. Raquel is of the latter persuasion. She is a very nice, warm and friendly lady. At this point, like Del, she is nervous. She looks at the clock and reacts to being so late. She now sees Del who has his back to her. Raquel (Tentatively) Hello. Del turns and looks her up and down quickly. He doesn't realise at first that it is Raquel. To Del actresses are either the war-paint and cleavage brigade or the trendy bohemian type. Raquel doesn't fit his picture. Del (Referring to the policeman) Just now he nearly nicked one of your mates, so I'd have it away on your toes if I was you. Raquel (Bewildered) Is it Derek? Del Raquel? Raquel Yes. Hi. Del Hello. I'm sorry about that. Raquel No, I should appologise for being so late. You know what these trains are like. Have you been waiting long? Del Well, since about ten o' clock this morning, y'know. No, not really, just joking. (Picking up the bouquet) This is for you. Raquel Is it? You shouldn't have gone to all this expense. Del Mais oui, mais oui. Well, I've booked a table at my favourite restaurant - if that is alright with you? Raquel Oh yean, sounds lovely. Del gestures towards the taxi rank. Del Your carriage awaits. Raquel Thank you. They walk away from camera. Raquel (Cont'd) This is a bit like Brief Encounter, isn't it? Del You reckon? Raquel That's my favourite film. Del Mine as well. Raquel Really? Del Yes. I loved the bit at the end when the big space ship comes down and the little Martians come out. They walk on. Raquel That's Close Encounters. Del Yeah. I loved it. EXT. DAY. DOWNTOWN STREETS. The three-wheeled van passes us. Cut to interior of van. Rambo Rodney has his window open and is gorilla-gripping the roof with his right hand and steering with the left. Nerys I always thought you were such a quiet person.. Rodney They're the ones you've gotta watch, Nerys. Nerys But just now you were so... well, tough. This is a complaint from Nerys, but Rodney doesn't understand. Rodney Huh - I get by. I've lived in these streets too long to be frightened. Rodney gestures back to the incident with the yobs. Rodney (Cont'd) Those punks back there, they're used to people running scared from 'em. They don't scare me Nerys. This is my jungle and I'm at the top of the tree. Rodney has a confident, unflinching smile as he casually checks the mirror. He does a horrified double-take. We see in the wing mirror that the yobs in the Cortina have turned round and are now right behind the van. They are hanging from the windows, brandishing weapons and screaming death-threats and other abuse. Rodney has never been so terrified. Rodney Oh my... ! Nerys (Slightly alarmed by Rodney) What's wrong. Rodney? Rodney Nothing! With a great crunch of cogs, Rodney hurls the van into third gear. The van roars past with the Cortina in hot pursuit. Nerys Why are we going so fast? Rodney I love speed! Nerys You said we were gonna cruise! Rodney Yeah, but I like to cruise quickly. INT. DAY. HILTON RESTAURANT. The bouquet is in evidence. We see Raquel seated alone at a table with her untouched starter. She sips her white wine nervously and obviously is feeling slightly out of her depth. We see Del standing just outside entrance to restaurant area. He is talking quietly to the head waiter (Charles). Charles seems rather concerned t Del's request, but his attitude alters as Del slips a twenty-pound note into his palm. Charles smiles and nods in a 'a pleasure, sir' manner. Del now walks to the table. Del Sorry about that. I had to get a message to an old friend. Raquel Oh that's okay. Del (Referring to the starter) Well go on get stuck in, don't wait for me. They both eat. Raquel This is wonderful. Del Well, you can't go wrong here. I hope you don't mind me saying this, Raquel, but well I'm very surprised to find that someone like you - attractive and talented - at a computer dating agency. Raquel Well, I might say the same about you. A successful person - managing director of his own import-export business. Why did you go to them? Del Dunno really. Raquel I suppose I was grabbing at straws really. I've been married before and that was a disaster, and I've had - you know - relationships. with men which have always ended unhappily. Maybe it's been the same for you? Del No, blokes don't do a lot for me. Raquel You know what I mean! I found I used to take my relationships seriously - used to plan and stupid things like that. But they were just playing a game. Anyway, when I saw the agency's advertisement I thought; why not? At least I new I'd be meeting someone who wanted me to be there. Was it the same for you? Del Yeah, exactly. I just thought y'know that you being an actress you'd meet lots of people - on the film sets and that sort of thing. Raquel (Embarrassed) Look, I've got to be honest with you. The agency asked me what I did for a living, so I said I was an actress. Well I suppose that's what I am. I'm a member of the union, at least. I had one line in a Doctor Who about ten years ago. I was a lizard person. I've done fringe theatre and that sort of thing, but I never got the chance to - 'make it'. I gave it all up for nine years while I was married. My husband was one of those old-fashioned types who said there should only be one bread winner. Del Yeah, my Dad was like that. He used to get up at six every morning to make sure my Mum got to work. A disbelieving look from Raquel. Del (Cont'd) No, straight up. Raquel Anyway, recently I've tried to pick up my career - for what it was. But I can't see me ever doing anything. Del Au contraire Raquel. This time next year you'll be a star! Raquel Oh come on. Del She who dares wins. That is my motto. No matter what has happened in our lives I've always said that to my kid brother, 'Rodney, this time next year we'll be millionaires!' Raquel And look at you now. Del Yeah! Look at me now. The secret is never giving in, if you want something bad enough, you'll get it, as long as you don't stop believing! (Raquel smiling at him) This is nice... There's a lovely feeling of... I don't know - honesty. Del Yeah... well... that's what it's all about, innit? She nods in agreement. The head waiter approaches. Charles Mr Duval. Del Yes. Charles I'm terribly sorry to bother you, sir there's an important call from your New York office. Del Oh, thank you very much, Charles. (To Raquel) I'm sorry about this. Raquel Please, it's no problem. Del stands and takes a step forward. Now a change of mind. Del Charles. You tell them I'm busy. Charles Of course, sir. Raquel Please, don't do this for me. Del No, no. I'm enjoying the company and I'm not gonna have it spoilt by some soppy problem in New York. These Yanks have gotta learn to make decisions for themselves. Del raises his glass to success. Del (Cont'd) To success. EXT. DAY. DOWNTOWN STREETS. We see Trigger in his road sweeper’s donkey jacket sweeping a gutter. He reacts as he hears the sound of racing engines. The three-wheeled now roars past him in a cloud of exhaust fumes. Trigger Wotchya, Dave. Now the Cortina roars past him. Trigger smiles to himself. He thinks it's the lads out having a laugh. INT. DAY. THE HILTON RESTAURANT. Del and Raquel are now on their coffees. Del lights a cigar. Raquel When the agency phoned and mentioned you I was really excited. They said you were a man of the arts, and it's not that often that you meet a man who's interested in the theatre. Del Oh yeah, I love it. Raquel Going into a theatre is so exhilarating. Just the 'feel' of the place. Del Yeah, gets me going as well. You can't whack a good play, can you? Raquel Did you see the RSC's production of Moliere's Le Misanthrope? Del E... m... No, I was out. Raquel (Puzzled at first) Oh, you mean out of the country. Del Yes. Away on business. Raquel Oh you missed something wonderful! Del Yeah, I was gutted. That's the sort of thing you like, is it? Raquel Not really. I like anything to do with entertainment. When I was a kid my Mum used to send me up to tap- dancing lessons. I loved it. And when I was about seventeen another girl and me formed a pop-duo. 'Double Cream' we calle