Episode Special - Fatal Extraction INT. DAY. TROTTERS' LOUNGE. There is a Christmas tree and a few decorations in the background. The table is laid for breakfast with all the usual condiments plus a half-full plastic bottle of tomato ketchup. Damien, in his jim-jams, is seated in a high-chair eating scrambled eggs and beans. Albert is seated at the table reading the Daily Mirror - headlines read: 'Peckham Riots!' sub-headline; 'an excuse for looting, say police'. An icy Raquel enters from the kitchen carrying two plates of sausage, egg and baked beans. She slams the plates down on the table which makes Albert jump in fear of this angry woman. She opens the door to bedroom area and calls. Raquel (Angrily) Derek!!! Your breakfast has been on the table for the last fifteen minutes! Raquel returns to table. Raquel (Sweetly to Damien) Is that nice? Albert Yes, thank you. Raquel I was talking to Damien! Albert squeezes some ketchup onto his plate and the plastic bottle makes that awful, squelchy farting sound. Raquel Next time you do the shopping, buy the ketchup in a glass bottle! And another thing Albert, will you please stop boiling your old vests and pants out on our cooker? This is almost the twenty-first century and we have washing machines for that sort of thing! Albert Look, Raquel, why are you angry at me? I'm not the one who's been coming home late every night! I'm always here in the flat. Raquel (Icily) Yes! Aren't you just? Raquel exits to kitchen. Del enters from bedrooms area. He yawns and then holds his aching jaw. Del Good morning, Unc. Albert Morning. Del Bloody tooth! (To Damien) Hello, Champ! Good morning! How are you this morning? This looks really good, dunnit, eh? Albert You're in trouble, son. Raquel's on the warpath. Del Oh, she don't frighten me, Albert. I've handled much more violent women than her. Raquel enters from kitchen. Del (Cont'd) Good morning, sweetheart. Any calls for me last night, was there? Raquel I haven't a clue - I went to bed early! Why don't you get yourself an answering machine, Derek? Del An answering machine, good idea darling, yes, just what the business needs is an ansaphone. Especially seeing as you're too exhausted to do it these days. (Before Raquel can answer) I tell you what, Damien's getting a bit big for that high chair - look at him, he'll be starting work soon. Raquel There's nothing wrong with the high-chair. Del Exactly! No, that is in very good nick. I might get a few quid for that. I think I'll put an ad in the local news- agents. Raquel What time d'you get in last night? Del Me? Oh, er, 'bout... quarter past twelve. Raquel It was twenty to two. Del Was it? The battery's going in this watch. Raquel So, where were you? Del I went down the Nag's Head and had a swift half, and then I had to go and meet someone in the casino. Raquel Oh? That's a relief. For a minute there I was worried you might be squandering our money. Albert How much d'you win, son? Del (Quietly) Shuddup! Raquel Don't be silly, Albert. Del doesn't know what winning is! Eat your breakfast, Del. Del I thought you said all this fried stuff was bad for my veins. Raquel Eat your breakfast Del. Raquel exits to kitchen. Albert She's not happy, son! Del Well, she's a woman, isn't she? Anyway, it takes me mind of me tooth. Albert I don't know! What with you and poor Rodney. He's starting to look ashen- faced, ain't he? Del He does look a bit cream- crackered of late. Don't worry, I'll have a word with him, I usually manage to sort out his problems. Del squeezes ketchup onto his plate accompanied by the farting sound. There is no reaction from Albert. INT. DAY. RODNEY AND CASSANDRA'S LOUNGE. Phone conversation intercut with Trotters kitchen at the same time. The phone rings. Cassandra (On phone) Hello? We intercut between Raquel (on cordless phone in the Trotters' kitchen) and Cassandra. Raquel (On phone) Cassandra? It's Raquel. Can you talk? Rodney's not there, is he? Cassandra (On phone) No, he's left for work. Raquel I just phoned to see what the doctor said last night? Cassandra (On phone) Oh, she was ever so nice. Basically, she said not to worry. She's got three couples on her books who've been trying for babies for over a year, so, Rodney and I are almost rookies. I've got to take my temperature hourly, keep a chart, all the usual stuff. Oh, and she's given me some exercises that are supposed to strengthen the muscles. Raquel (On phone) Have you abandoned that, erm 'schedule' thing she worked out for you? I don't know how either of you kept up the pace! It sounded excessive for Mel Gibson and his wife let alone you and Rodney! Cassandra (On phone) No, I've decided to continue with that. I know it hasn't worked, but Rodney's enjoyed himself trying! They both laugh. EXT. DAY. LONDON STREET/BUS PASSING/BUS INTERIOR. We cut inside the bus where we see Rodney wearing work- ing clothes. He appears depressed, put upon and almost asleep. Behind him we see Mickey Pearce stand and move up the aisle to alight from bus. Mickey Alright, Rodney? Rodney Yeah alright, Mick. Mickey What you been up to? You look like some vampire's been having a go at you! Rodney I'm fine, thank you very much! Mickey You weren't involved in that riot on the estate the other night, were you? Rodney No, I was not! As if I'd get involved in a riot! Mickey You don't look well! Mickey turns to talk to an old lady behind him - every- one's aunt sort of thing. Mickey (Cont'd) He look's shagged out, don't he, love? Lady (To Rodney) You don't look well, dear. Rodney There's nothing wrong with me, alright? INT. DAY. RODNEY AND CASSANDRA'S BEDROOM/TROTTERS' FLAT. Continuation of phone conversation. Cassandra (On phone) Raquel, you haven't mention- ed this baby business to Del, have you? Raquel (On phone) Of Course not! Cassandra (On phone) Rodney thinks we ought to choose the right time to tell him. Raquel (On phone) I'll leave it to you. Cassandra (On phone) How are things with you and Del? Raquel (On phone) Much the same. He didn't get in 'til twenty to two this morning. Cassandra Why don't you ask Rodney to find out what's happening? Raquel (On phone) Because I'm a bit frightened of what the answer might be. I think the first flush of fatherhood and domesticity has cooled and he's gone back to his old ways - down the pubs and casinos with his stupid mates! Raquel hears a noise in the living room Raquel (Cont'd) (On phone) Oh, I'll have to go, someone's coming. Talk to you soon. Bye. Raquel switches the phone off. Del enters the kitchen. Del He's dropped a load of beans on the carpet. Raquel Well, why don't you wipe them up? Del Me? No, let the old git wipe 'em up himself! Raquel Oh, Albert! Del Have you spoken to Cassandra recently? Raquel No. Del Well, when you do can you find out if there's anything wrong between her and Rodders. Raquel Don't go interfering in their lives, Del! Del Eh? He's my young brother, I've got a right to interfere. If they've got a problem, I just wanna help out. Raquel laughs at the irony of Del's last statement. Raquel Oh, God! That is the best yet! Raquel exits to lounge. Cut to lounge. Raquel enters. She picks up Damien from his chair. Raquel Come on, time for your wash. Albert starts to exit thinking Raquel is talking to him. Raquel (Cont'd) Not you, Albert! If you're doing this to annoy me, it's not working! Albert returns. Del enters from the kitchen. Del Makes you wonder whether it's all worth while, don't it, Unc? Albert If you say so... Albert exits to hall. Del now reacts as his bare foot lands in the small pile of baked beans. Del (To himself) You mucky old sod! Albert enters from the hall carrying a small leaflet. Albert I picked this up at the library yesterday. We see the front page of the leaflet which bears the single word 'Relate'. Del Relate? Albert It's the new word for marriage guidance. I didn't know if it'd be any good to you. Del Yeah. Oh, thanks very much, Unc. Actually, it's just the sort of thing I'm looking for, this. Albert turns his back and moves to armchair and so doesn't see Del using the leaflet to wipe the beans from his foot. Del (Cont'd) I'm just gonna go and make a private phone call. Del exits to kitchen and closes the door behind him. INT. DAY. RODNEY AND CASSANDRA'S BEDROOM/TROTTER FLAT. Cassandra is on the bed, doing exercises. The phone rings. We intercut between Del (in kitchen) and Cassandra. Cassandra (On phone) Hello? Del (On phone) Oh, hello Cassandra, It's Del Boy. How are you, sweetheart? Cassandra (On phone) Oh fine, thanks. Del (On phone) Cushty. Look Cassandra, I don't want to interfere or anything like that, but I'm a little bit worried about young Rodders. Well, he seems to be a bit worried - he's not his old self. And I just wondered if there was anything I could do to help? Cassandra (On phone) Look, if you must know, Del, Rodney and I are trying for a baby. Del (On phone) Yeah alright, I'll get off the phone then, alright! Cassandra No! not right now! Rodney's not even here, he left half an hour ago. Del Blimey, he left half an hour ago, and you're still panting? Cassandra (On phone) I'm in the middle of my exercises! Del (On phone) Oh! Your exercises? I see what you mean! I thought that you... well, never mind what I thought. But look, I can't help you unless you let me know what is happening. Cassandra (Hands over the mouthpiece) Oh God! Cut to Trotters' lounge. Rodney enters from front door. Rodney Alright? Rodney flops down on the settee. Rodney (Cont'd) Where is everyone? Albert Raquel's seeing to the little 'un and Del's in the kitchen making a private phone call. Rodney Who to? Albert I think it's the marriage guidance people. Rodney But him and Raquel aren't married. Albert I know, but they row, don't they? I'll make you a new pot of tea, son. Rodney Oh, yeah, cheers. Albert exits to the kitchen. He leaves the kitchen door open. We see Del in the kitchen talking on the phone. He has his back to us. He wanders in and out of shot but never sees that Rodney is present. Del (On phone) No, you see, the thing is, you know that a man, well a man, any man can lose his... his drive. Cassandra (On phone) Rodney hasn't lost his drive! Rodney, believing Del is talking to a Relate counselor, can't believe what he's hearing. He gets up and moves nearer kitchen door. Del (On phone) No, no, no, I'm not saying that is happening, no. But what I'm saying is that, you know, a man, can, well you know, lose his... oomph. Rodney is silently laughing. Del (Cont'd) And naturally, you see, she becomes disappointed and frustrated. But that's not necessarily the man's fault, is it, eh? Del closes the door. Raquel enters from bedrooms area. Rodney Morning Raquel. Raquel Oh morning, Rodney. Where's Del? Rodney He's on the phone. Raquel Who to? Rodney Dunno! So, how's life treat- ing you? Raquel How's life treating me? D'you mean besides him coming at all hours of the morning, spending every spare hour with his mates down the pub and wasting our money in that casino? Rodney Yeah. Raquel Well, I'll give you an example of how life's treating me, Rodney. Have you seen what's inside my wardrobe? Rodney No. Raquel Well, not to put too fine a point on it, the only times my clothes look fashionable is when I'm watching UK Gold! Now, a short while ago, Del happened to mention that he had a contact in the rag trade. This fella could get the very latest in fashion and all the top designer-labels. Christmas was approaching, and Del asked me what I'd like. 'Anything you want, sweet- heart, just name it'. So, I little number by Bruce Oldfield. (Holding up an LP cover) He got me Tubular Bells! Rodney That's Mike Oldfield! Raquel I know! Cut back to kitchen. Del (On phone) Yeah, now all you've got to do, sweetheart, is you just take your time and you'll have a lovely healthy baby. Just like my Damien, nine pounds, he was, yeah. I remember the day he was born. Yeah, of course, me and Raquel, you know, haven't given up hope of doing it again sometime. Albert exits to kitchen and leaves the door open. Cassandra (On phone) What's a baby's weight got to do with it? Del, on phone, is loud enough for Rodney to hear. Del No, no, no, It doesn't matter how big it is, does it? Rodney turns away to hide his laughter from Raquel. Raquel (Calls) Who are you talking to? Del Cassandra! Rodney Get off that phone! Del Morning, Rodders! Rodney grabs the phone away from Del. Rodney (On phone) Cassandra, why are you doing discussing our private life with him? I don't care. This'll be all over the Nag's Head by dinner time! Del has exited to the lounge. Del (To Raquel) That's the thanks I get! Raquel I thought you'd have been used to it by now! EXT. DAY. THE COUNCIL ESTATE. FILM. Three minutes later. All around we have evidence of the recent riot. The shells of burnt out cars still smouldering, rocks and broken glass are strewn across the roads, some of the ground floor flats have their windows boarded and somewhere we see the sad remains of a large communal Christmas tree now black and burnt. The three wheel van passes us and bumps over the stones, etc. Del They still ain't cleared this place up yet, have they? Rodney Not a lot of point. I've heard they're expecting another riot. They reckon anything could set it off. Del I Heard they're thinking of twinning this estate with Jurassic Park! Del and Rodney both laugh. Del (A sudden tooth pain) Caw, bloody hell! Rodney You wanna go somewhere with that tooth. Del I go everywhere with it, don't I? It's stuck in me bloody head! Rodney I meant the dentist! Del Yes, I will. Rodney Can I switch the radio on? Del Yeah, go on then, alright. Rodney switches the radio on. We hear the song 'One Voice'. Del sings along with a couple of bars. Del (Cont'd) Do you know, this is Raquel's most favourite number? Rodney Yeah? Can I switch it off? Del No, leave it... Every time I hear this number you know it always reminds me of my Raquel. Yeah, go on. Switch it off. INT. DAY. SID'S CAFE. The last verse or so of 'One Voice' is playing on Sid's radio. Denzil and Trigger, in working clothes, are at counter talking to Sid. Sid hands Denzil a bowl of porridge. Sid There you go, Denzil, one bowl of piping hot porridge. That'll warm you up on a cold morning. Denzil Cheers, Sid. (Handing Sid money) There's a hair in this. Denzil pulls the hair out of his porridge. Sid Give it here. Sid takes the hair and flicks it behind the counter. Denzil There's another one! Sid Hang on. Denzil That's disgusting that is, Sid. If the health authorities saw this they'd close you down! Sid I've been closed down for a lot worse than that, Denzil! (To Trigger) I hate these politically correct people! Trigger Yeah. Sid What're you having, Trig? Trigger I'll try some of that porridge. Del and Rodney enter. Del Just a cup of tea for me, Rodney. Rodney moves to counter. Rodney Two teas, Sid. Trigger Alright, Dave? Rodney Yeah, alright, Trig. Denzil Don't have the porridge, Rodney. I've just found hairs in mine. Sid It was only two hairs! Denzil That's enough, isn't it? Del Maybe there's a sporran in it. Denzil So how's it going, Del? You got all your Christmas presents? Del No, not yet. Damien wants a pet. Denzil I didn't think the council allowed pets. Del No, a little one, you know, like a rabbit or a guinea- pig, something like that. Trigger and Rodney join them. Trigger How's it going, Del? Del Don't ask, Trig. Denzil Things still the same then, eh? Del Yeah, still giving me strife. Trigger Yeah, it's a bitch, innit? Del (Surprised by Trigger's tone) Well, that's stronging it a bit, Trig! Trigger No, you're too soft, Del! I've been in exactly the same boat as you have. D'you know what I done? I got shot of it! Denzil Look? Trig, it's not as simple as just get shot of 'it'. Rodney No, Del loves... Well, a strong bond exists, doesn't it Del? Del Yeah. We've been together a long time. Trigger And you're just gonna get more and more aggro! I know how you feel. You become attached to 'em, give 'em little pet names. I've done it. But take my advice, Del, Get down the dentists and have it out. Del Oh, my tooth!? Trigger It's best in the long run, Del. Try my dentist, he's good, I've been going to him for years. Del Yeah, alright. I might try that, Trig. Denzil Trig, we were talking about Del and Raquel! (To Del) Are you having rows? Rodney He's never there to find out, are you? Del No. She's still talking to me - unfortunately! I'll never understand the workings of a woman's mind. I suppose that's why I gave up trying in the end. (To Rodney) 'Ere, who was that bird I used to go out with? Rodney Which one? Del Cor, what was her name? Trigger What's she look like? Del She was a redhead. Denzil One of the redheads... Pauline? Del No. Rodney Veronique from Woolworths? Del No. Trigger Janine? Del Her? Rodney Marian? Del Who's Marion? Rodney I don't know. You meet her up Catford Dog Track, you bought her a ring. Del Oh yeah. No, not her! No, no, who am I thinking about? What was her name? Her dad was a tattooist. She had this tattoo of a heart with a dagger going through it on her thigh. Rodney Don't ring a bell. Del Well, you would have only been about two. What was her name? She worked in a betting shop down Lewisham Grove. Trigger A betting shop... Denzil Down Lewisham Grove. Del Look, it don't matter. I went out with her for - it must of been a month! Actually, she was going steady with another bloke at the time, but it didn't worry me! Made it more exciting. Well, she was a sporting girl - a good all- rounder you know what I mean? Well, I'd saved up me money, right, to take her on holiday - it was gonna be really exotic. You know, the holiday of a lifetime. When all of a sudden, right out of the blue, for no reason, she packed me in. And yet, the night before, I'd taken her home to meet me Mum and Dad for the first time. Rodney Yeah? Del So, the next day I went down the betting shop, you know, to have a chat, take her out for lunch an' all that. And they said that she weren't there, but I knew that she was 'cos I saw her crash helmet hanging up on the hook. You know where I found her? She was hiding on the roof. She said she was sunbathing. Denzil Well, maybe she was sun- bathing. Del Na, it was a sloping roof. I mean, there she was, with her back against the tiles and her Stilettos jammed in the gutter. She nearly fell off twice. Anyway, that was that. Cor, blimey, what was her name? Trigger D'you get your money back on the holiday? Del No. You know what these caravan sites are like, don't you? INT. NIGHT. THE ONE ELEVEN CLUB/CASINO. Averagely crowded. We see the various card games, roulette, etc in action. Del, in evening suit, is standing at the bar drinking a scotch. We see Rodney, suited up, approaching the bar. Rodney Del Boy. Del Rodders! What're you doing here? Rodney Well, I had a couple of hours to kill. So I said to Cass I'll pop down the club and see Del. Del Good. (Calls) 'Ere Miguel, there you are look, a lager-top, please. Rodney You're drinking a lot of scotch these days. Del Yeah, well, It's the only thing that dulls the pain, innit? Rodney Talk to her, Del. There's nothing that can't be sorted by talking it out. Del I'm not talking about Raquel. I'm talking about my bloody tooth. Rodney Go to the dentists then! Del I don't like dentists! Rodney Well then let it go rotten and get septicemia. Del Look, shuddup moaning will you? I've come here to psyche myself up for the game and you do nothing but lecture me. It's like playing poker with Neil Kinnock! Boycie, in evening suit, joins them. Boycie Del Boy. Rodney! Del How's it going, Boycie? Boycie Life's one long uphill struggle at the moment Derek. The second-hand car business is in its biggest slump since - well, since the last one. Me and Marlene could only afford one week's holiday in Barbados this year. Del Oh that's terrible, innit? Please, don't go on about it, you know how easy I cry. (To Rodney) We'll have to hold a whip for him. Rodney Yeah, can I count the lashes? Boycie Look, I happen to believe that everyone has the right to expect a certain standard of living. I mean, it's alright for you, coming from that council estate - sometimes I almost envy you. Not often, I must admit. Especially with all the problems you've got. Del We ain't got no problems. Raquel and I are just going through a sticky patch, that's all! Boycie When I mention 'problems', I was referring to that riot the other night. I hear they went through the whole estate looking for any halfway-decent vehicle and then setting fire to it! (With big grin) Your three-wheeled van alright was it, Del Boy? Del Yes, thank you, Boycie, they didn't lay a finger on it. Boycie Well, that's a Godsend, at least. Del Yeah, that's only 'cos I know the leader of the rioters! Terrible though, innit, eh? The way they set fire to their own people's property when there's a very big car site just up the road! Rodney But that's Boycie's car site, Derek. Del Oh, is it Rodney?! Well, let's hope that someone does not suggest that to the rioters - eh, Boycie? Boycie (Calls) Miguel, can you get my friends a drink? Same again please and put it on my account. Well, I must be off. Lots of luck, eh? Del Yeah. Cheers, Boycie. Boycie exits. Del and Rodney laugh with each other. Del (Cont'd) Miguel! A very voluptuous and attractive young girl is now behind Del. She wears a low-cut dress and a wonderbra (or uplift-bra) so her breasts are propped high and round. She should be a tall girl so that Del stands almost eyeball to breast with her. Del turns and reacts as if slightly dizzy. Del (Cont'd) Cor, blimey! I don't know about me teeth! I think my eyes need testing. I turned round a bit quick just then and I thought Right Said Fred had just walked in. Rodney laughs. His laughter now dies as the girl's large and tough looking boyfriend stares at him. INT. NIGHT. TROTTER' LOUNGE. Raquel is ironing. Albert is asleep in the chair. We can hear and see the TV (Crimewatch). Sue Cook Good night. Nick Ross Good night. Raquel looks at the clock. INT. NIGHT. ONE TO ELEVEN CLUB. This is a few hours later. Ties have been loosened, etc. There is a smoky atmosphere. Del and Rodney are seated at the roulette table. Del Ain't you gonna have a bet? Rodney No I'm not. It's a mug's game. Hasn't it dawned on you yet that the only one who wins is the casino owner? The croupier pushes a bundle of chips to Del. Del Sorry, what were you saying? Rodney Yeah, alright, so you were lucky. Well, you've won now so let's go home. Del Don't talk wet - I'm on a roll! We'll play the evens. Del places all his chips in the appropriate square. Rodney Del, will you spare one moment's thought for Raquel? Del Who d'you think I'm doing this for, Rodney? I'm doing this for her and Damien! Rodney, I couldn't say anything before - because I didn't want the word to get out - it's been very delicate. But I'm tryin' to put together a big deal with Ronnie Nelson. Rodney So what are you doing down here at the One to One club most nights? Del Because he owns it, don't he? He don't come in before one o'clock in the morning, so I've gotta hang about to have a word with him. I can't let this deal slip through me fingers, Rodney! I'll tell you what it is, it's ix hundred and fifty hand-held camcorders. Made in Russia. Rodney Russian camcorders? I didn't think they went in for all that 'You've Been Framed' cobblers. Del No, these are ex-military, They've got night vision on them and everything. Rodney So, we're gonna buy six hundred and fifty Russian Army camcorders? Del Yeah, with a bit of luck... Eight hundred and ninety- five quid. Rodney You're gonna pay eight hundred and ninety five pound for a camera? Del No, eight hundred and ninety five quid for the lot! Rodney They sound very classy. Del State of the art! Croupier Thirty red. The croupier pushes a large pile of chips to Del. Del places them all back on evens. Del (Smiling smugly at Rodney) Aren't you gonna have a bet? Rodney No! Look, try an' look at it from Raquel's point of view, Del. She's in that flat night after night with Horatio and his tales of the sea and you're down here drinking and gambling. Del I know!! And does she appreciate it? Rodney NO! Del No! She does not! Honestly, she thinks I'm out every night enjoying myself! (Finishing scotch. To waitress) Excuse me darling, same again, please? That's the trouble with women, Rodney, they change - and they expect you to change with 'em. She wanted me to become a pipe and slippers man, you know - having a cup of tea and a biscuit, and watching Family Fortunes. Well, stuff that for a game of toy soldiers! Don't get me wrong, I'm not adverse to a cup of Darjeeling and an 'obnob, but there is a time and a place for everything. I like life on the tightrope. And I enjoy the company of me mates and I don't see why I should change just 'cos I've met Raquel? Rodney And who are your mates, Del? Boycie, the freemason, a total snob who thinks that anyone who's got a pound less than him's a peasant! Denzil's a man who eats porridge with a wig in it! And then we have Trigger, a road sweeper who gives pet names to his teeth! Del They're still me mates! I'm not like you, Rodders. Del Boy's not for turning! Rodney What's that supposed to mean? Marriage hasn't changed me! Del Oh it has, Rodney! I've seen you and that Cassandra - she's into this conservation malarkey, and so is Rodney as well. Rodney Look, I have not changed, Del. When I make my mind up about something, nothing can alter it! Alright? Croupier 140 pieces sir, thank you. The croupier pushes a massive pile of chips to Del. Del We'll stick with evens, shall we? Rodney I'm gonna go and get some chips! Del laughs as Rodney moves towards cashier. INT. NIGHT. THE ONE ELEVEN CLUB. The club is less crowded now. Del and Rodney are still at the roulette table but now Del only has one chip left. He and Rodney both look desperate. Rodney (Appealing to the ball) Come on! Reds! Reds! Reds! The waitress approaches Del. Waitress Excuse me, Del, I'm afraid Ronnie won't be in now - I'll leave a message for him. Del Yeah, alright... Thanks!... Come on, Rodney, let's go home. Rodney No, hang on. The ball ain't landed yet! Croupier Seventeen, black. Rodney Shit! They stand. Del flips his last chip to the croupier and they walk towards the entrance. Del Rodney, how much d'you lose? Rodney Fifty. Del You plonker. Rodney I wouldn't have gambled at all if you hadn't encouraged me! Del Oi, oi, oi, don't blame me! What d'you come here for anyway if you didn't want a flutter? Rodney I'll tell you why, shall I? Cassandra suggested I come down here. Del Oh, yeah, Why? Rodney So as we can get you home at a decent hour. We are trying to save your relationship with Raquel! You've been falling in half past one and two o'clock in the morning! And it is not on Del! They arrive at exit door. EXT. DAY. ONE ELEVEN CLUB/LONDON STREET. A milk float is passing. Del and Rodney exit and stare incredulously at the daylight. Rodney It's daytime! Del It's eight o'clock in the morning! This is all your fault, Dopey! Rodney Me?! Del Yes! You, you, you kept me talking in there! Rodney Oh yeah? And who was it doing all the gambling? Del Well, you were doing your fair share! Cor blimey, I could have been home hours ago if it weren't for you! You've really dropped me in it this time, Rodney! Rodney You... They are walking away from camera. Del Look, we've gotta be down the market in half an hour! EXT. DAY. MARKET. FILM. At this point we just see Del and a small crowd. Behind Del there are a few cardboard boxes declaring the name of some Mickey Mouse ski-equipment company. Laying on the boxes are a couple of gaudily-coloured ski jackets, etc. Del (Talking to crowd) Right, listen, I know what you're thinking, I know what you're thinking, because I can read your minds. You're thinking, what do I want with all this skiing equipment? There ain't no mountains in Peckham. Absolutely true. In a few months time you yourself may decide to take an Alpine holiday. Now, due to my unique style of bulk-buying, you can go togged out in the latest up-to-the-minute fashion at bargain basement prices. Now I'm gonna show you how stylish this gear is because it is being modeled now by my younger brother, Rodney. We now see Rodney standing close by. He wears the complete skiing outfit save for skis. He wears a ski mask, tinted goggles and a woolen hat. A pink, purple, yellow and green ski-jacket and gloves. A pair of moa- trousers (they're heavily padded and quilted type normally worn in arctic conditions). But instead of ski-boots we wears a pair of old trainers. Del (Cont'd) Now, the jacket is padded in pure fibre-glass and quilted in natural nylon. Now this jacket alone would set you back about a hundred and twenty quid at Lillywhites - but this can be yours for a mere thirty five pounds and it comes in all sizes. Now all this equipment here is manufactured by the one country that leads the world in Alpine clothing - namely, Fiji. Del's mobile phone starts to ring. Del (Cont'd) Just a moment please, this is probably the Austrian Olympic squad wanting to increase their order. (On phone)' Hello, Trotters Independent Traders, PLC, Arctic- clothing department. We see Trigger moving past Rodney, sweeping the gutter and pushing his barrow. Trigger makes no reaction to Rodney's appearance. Trigger Alright, Dave? Trigger continues to go on his way. Del Rodney, it's Cassandra! Del hands the phone to Rodney. Rodney (On phone) Cass? I told you never to phone me at work! what? What now? Cass, I can't... I'm in the middle... Yes, alright! (Switches phone off) Del, I gotta shoot off. Cassie needs me at home. Del What for? Rodney Well, it's probably the right time. Del Oh, come on, Rodney, she'll keep 'till this evening. Rodney No, its... Well, you know! She's most probably at the right temperature. Del Stone me, Rodney. What are you two trying for, a baby or a barbecue? Go on, go on, hurry up! Rodney dashes off still in the ski gear. Del has indicated Rodney's jeans, etc, which are in a pile on one of the boxes. Del (Calls) 'Ere, don't you want to change your clo... We now see that the crowd has dispersed. Del (Cont'd) Oh, look at that! INT. DAY. RODNEY AND CASSANDRA'S HALL/FRONT DOOR/LIVING ROOM. We hear a key in the lock. The door opens and Rodney bursts in, exhausted from running and still wearing the skiing clothing. Rodney (Calls) Cass, I'm home. Cassandra (OOV) I'm in here, Roddy. Rodney Right, won't be a minute. Rodney strips off down to T-shirt and stripped under- pants and then exits to living room. Cut to living room. Rodney bursts in. We see Cassandra seated in armchair. Also in the room are Raquel and Damien and with their suitcases. Rodney (Embarrassed) Sorry about that, Raquel, I was... I was hot. What you doing here? Cassandra She's left Del. Rodney Left him? Why? Raquel D'you know what time in he got in this morning? Rodney (Guilty) No. Raquel Quarter past eight! Rodney Geddaway! Raquel He just changed into his working clothes and went straight down the market. He didn't even stop for a cup of tea. Well, that was the last straw. He's not treating me like that anymore! Rodney Look, you've gotta try an' look t it from his point of view, Raquel. There are extenuating circumstances. Raquel Like what? Rodney Well... He's having a lot of trouble with his teeth. Cassandra That's no excuse! Rodney No, I know. But he is in pain! Raquel So am I, Rodney, so am I! Rodney Well, where're you gonna go? Cassandra I said they could stay here. Rodney Here? But this is a one- bedroomed flat! Cassandra This is a sofa bed. Raquel I won't be here for long. A couple of nights, that's all. Is that OK with you? Rodney Yeah, yeah, of course. Cassandra Good. I'll make us a cup of something. Raquel I'll help. Cassandra and Raquel exit to kitchen. Rodney remains pondering and worrying about this turn of events. Now he becomes aware of something. He looks up and we see Damien staring at him. We see Rodney's reaction. Damien now smiles at Rodney. We see Rodney's face and, this time, we hear the zing, zing of violin strings a la Psycho. INT. DAY. NAG'S HEAD. STUDIO. This is lunchtime, same day. Del, Trigger, Denzil and Boycie are seated at a table. Mike brings a tray of drinks across. Mike Here we go, gentlemen. Drinks. Is that right, Del, Just a lemonade for you? Del Yeah, that's right, yeah. I'm going down to visit Trig's dentist this afternoon, I don't want to smell of booze. Mike So, how's things on the home front? You and Raquel still at pistols drawn, are you? Del Yeah, still involved in the cold war. But I'm gonna live my life the way I wanna live it. Give her time, she'll learn. Denzil That's exactly the attitude I took with my Corrine. Even when she left me I refused to change- seven years ago but I haven't changed. Del Yeah, but there is a differ- ence though, ain't there Denzil? Raquel would never leave me because it's the real deep love thing. Mike Women are a mystery, though, ain't they? Del What? Here's a mystery for you. Here's a... Answer me this. Why is it that women always wanna know what time you got in? Right, they say to you, 'what time d'you get in last night?' And you say; 'Oh I don't know, about quarter past twelve.' And they say; 'No you didn’t, it was twenty to two!' And I think to myself, Well why bloody ask? Mike Yeah, he's right, he's right. Why ask! It's like saying to you, 'What's that on the telly? Coronation Street or Eastenders? And you say, 'It's Eastenders,' and they say, 'No it ain't, it's Coronation Street!' I mean, why ask?! Del Yeah, why ask? Boycie Beats me! Mike You know, I came home one night and my missus said to me, 'Where are you living now?' And I said, 'Here!' And she said, 'No you ain't!' And threw me suit- case at me! I mean, why ask? A pause, then: All Why ask? Trigger Why ask? Trigger Well, I mean that's women for you, innit? I mean, they're a different breed. Take my Marlene, she's always moaning on and on about how I don't respect her. I mean, me! Don't respect my own wife? Daft old mare! But I mean, I love her, don't get me wrong. But sometimes I think getting married was the worst mistake I ever made in my life. I sometimes think back to when we first met in Lewisham Grove. I wish I'd never ever walked into that betting shop now. Del looks at Denzil. Denzil and Del look at Boycie. Trigger Oh, so that's who you... Del/Denzil Trigger!! Del I've just remembered some- thing very important I meant to tell ya. Trigger What's that? Denzil ... It's gone now. Trigger Oh, hat's alright Denzil, that happens to me all the time. There is a slight pause. Trigger (Cont'd) See, I was just gonna say something important to Del, but it's gone now. So how'd it turn out then, Mike? Mike Eh? Trigger Coronation Street or East- enders? Trigger As long as it weren't Elderado, we can all sleep easy, eh? Albert enters. Del Alright, Unc? Any messages? Albert That bloke phoned about the video cameras. And er, someone come round moaning about, er, a pair of ski pants. Oh, and Raquel's left you. EXT. DAY. LONDON BACKSTREET/DENTAL SURGERY. We see the van (Del driving) pull up outside the surgery. They get out and walk towards the surgery. Del I don't believe it Rodney, I just don't believe it! I have never, never had a woman walk out on me like that. Rodney Yes you have. Del Who? Rodney All of 'em. Del Yeah, but they didn't have my child with them, did they? Rodney Look, Del, I feel a bit embarrassed, about Raquel staying at the flat, and that. But what could I do? couldn't refuse, could I? Del No, of course not, bruv. No, you couldn't see them turned out on the street, could you? No, you look after 'em, I'll see you alright for some money. Rodney Oh, don't be silly. Del No, no, no! Come on, straight up. I appreciate what you are doing. Rodney Look Del, I reckon all it would take is one phone call and you two'd be back together in no time. It'll just take one word - 'sorry'. Del No, I think you're right, Rodney. Alright, get her to phone and apologize and I'll forget it. Rodney I was talking about you! Del Me? What have I done?! Rodney Raquel hardly ever sees you! You treat that flat like a lodging house. She told me you walked in the bedroom one night and Damien screamed - thought you was an intruder! Del That is rubbish, that is! Look, I've been under a lot of stress lately, what with business deals and all that. Rodney Well, I explained to her. I said, Del's been under a lot of pressure, what with business and his teeth going manky. Del Exactly! What with... My teeth are not going manky! They just need looking at, that's all! Rodney Well, get in there and have 'em looked at then! Del I don't like dentists! Rodney It's like the Milky Bar Kid! Del I'll tell you what we'll do, right? Look, we'll go down to Ronnie Nelson's and pick up the cameras, then we'll come back here and I'll go to the dentist. Rodney No! You go to the dentists now, and then we'll pick the cameras up! Oh go on, get in there! Del Are you coming with me? Rodney No. I'm gonna have a kip in the van. Del Hey! Oi! Rodney, I'm gonna get yo... He winces and pulls his hand to his cheek. INT. DAY. DENTAL SURGERY. Del is in the chair as the dentist (Mr Ellis) probes about in his mouth. The receptionist (Beverly) enters. Beverly is in her mid thirties, attractive and has a pleasant nature. She speaks with a working middle- class accent. Beverly I'm sorry to interrupt. Mrs Patel just rang to cancel her four o'clock appoint- ment. Dentist Thank you Beverly. Beverly exits. The dentist hits one of Del's back teeth and Del cries out in pain. Del Aaaagh! Dentist That's the one! Del Well! I know that! Dentist Help yourself to the, erm... The dentist points to the mouthwash. Del Mmmm? Oh, cheers. (Drinking it) Thank you. Dentist (Making a few notes) D'you have regular dentists checks, Mr. Trotter? Del Oh yes, doctor. You can't be too careful where the old choppers are concerned, can you? Dentist And who was the last dentist you saw? Del The last one... that would be Mr Owens, had a surgery down Ghandi Avenue. Dentist Mr Owens? He died on the night of the Queen's Silver Jubilee, 1977. Del I know, it was tragic, weren't it? Dentist So you have a regular check -up every sixteen years. Del I think it's better in the long run, don't you? Dentist Yeah, yeah, I'm afraid this tooth of yours is beyond repair Mr Trotter. It'll have to come out. Del Oh, it's gotta come out? Well, I'll make an appointment to see you next week. Dentist No, no, I'll do it now. Del Now? Dentist Don't worry. You won't feel a thing. The dentist produces a syringe and hypodermic needle. Dentist (Cont'd) This'll just make one side of your face a bit numb. Del studies the needle with growing alarm. Del Ah you see, but the thing is, you know, er, I'm in a bit of a hurry, see. The dentist approaches Del with a needle. Dentist It'll only take five minutes. Del My brother's out there in the van. Dentist (Referring to the syringe) Just a little prick. Del Oh, do you know him then, do you? INT. DAY. THE VAN. Same time. Rodney is sitting in the passenger seat. His eyelids are slowly closing as the excesses of the last week take their toll. He folds his coat into a make-shift pillow, lays it between the two seats and lays his head down on it. INT. DAY. DENTAL SURGERY. The dentist slowly removes the syringe and needle from Del's mouth. Del Aaaaagh! Dentist There we are. Now, if you'd like to sit in the waiting room for a while, just leave the anaesthetic time to work. I'll call you in five minutes. Del Thank you, doctor. Del exits to waiting room. Four patients are seated here. Beverly is behind the reception counter. Del enters from surgery. A buzzer sounds. Beverly (Calling next patient) Mrs Marshall? You can go through now. A patient enters the surgery. Del (To Beverly) I've just gotta wait for this jollop to work. Beverly It doesn't take too long. Perhaps we could complete this form while you're waiting? It's just for new patients. I've got most of your details... Now then, let me see. Next of kin? Del Next of kin? Blimey, I'm only having me tooth out!! Beverly It's just Local Health Authority procedure. Del I haven't got no next of kin. Beverly What, no-one? Del Well, there's me brother. Beverly Have you got any dependants? Del Yeah, my brother. INT. DAY. THE VAN. Rodney is sleeping on his make-shift pillow. Now behind him, in back of van, we see a movement. A small rodent is scuffling aro