Episode Special - Heroes And Villains EXT. NIGHT.STREET. LONDON-THE NIGHTMARE. It is a disturbing and desolate scene of poverty, neglect and suffering. Toxic steam from the poisoned sewers wafts up from the drains. Litter blows down the darkened street and past starving people who lay on the pavements wrapped in rags. A digital wall-clock juts out above a darkened jewellers shop. It tells us this is: '2nd November. 2026'. A tall, white-haired, man in his mid-sixties walks along the pavement with the help of a stick. He has his back to camera. He is smartly dressed but in a futuristic fashion. The starving throng hold its hands out to him. Without breaking step he distributes a few coins amongst them. We now see the man from the front and realise it is Rodney but now aged 64. He pauses and looks around at his world. On a corner we see a couple of futuristic policemen who wear black SWAT type uniforms and are armed with metal batons, sub-machine guns and military style metal helmets upon which is printed 'state police'. A large advertising billboard depicts a futuristic Concorde type jumbo-jet with a tail logo which reads; 'Trotter Air.' The legend beneath informs us: 'Trotter Air gets you there.' Another advertising sign shows a smiling and happy thirteen year old girl seated at a table upon which is what appears to be a plate of golden fish fingers. The teenager is holding a fork upon which is what seems to be half a fish finger. But instead of the instead of the inside of the finger being white and fresh it is a brown, gooey substance. The legend teels us this is: 'Trotter's meat fingers - guaranteed to contain no natural ingredients'. Another advertising sign depicts two young lovers looking romantically into each other's eyes. To one side of their faces is a cardboard packet (like a pack of Durex.) The legend tells us this is: 'Trotterex. Family Planning - Go Equipped'. Old Rodney now looks up to the sky. From his POV we see the top of a massive skyscraper. A brilliantly lit sign on top of building tells us this is: 'Trotter Tower'. The skyscraper is very futuristic and is covered in gold and silver cladding which sparkles in the moonlight. We pan down the skyscraper to the large main doors at ground level. A sign above main doors reads: 'Trotters Independent Traders Company (TITco Global PLC)'. Rodney studies the signs and adverts in that manner of his which suggests that everything in life still stuns him. Old Rodney enters the building. INT. NIGHT. TOP FLOOR OFFICE SUITE. We are in a futuristic foyer with various office doors leading off. The 'TITco' logo is everywhere. On the wall we find two large portraits in gold frames. The first portrait is of Damien, now aged 35. A gold nameplate in frame reads: 'Sir Damien Trotter'. The second portrait is of Del, now aged 78. A gold name-plate in frame reads; 'Lord Trotter of Peckham'. From the floor to ceiling windows we have a panor- amic view of London. Outside we see a helicopter- type machine approaching the tower before drifting up and out of sight as it prepares to land on roof. It has no rotor blades and makes the sound of a jet. On its side is the 'TITco' logo. A puff of smoke drifts up and across lens. We pull back to find Del, now aged 78, and still smoking a big cigar. Del is dressed in the finest of futuristic clothes. Del Our jetcopter has arrived, Raquel. I'll ring for the maid. Del presses a wall button. We find Raquel, now aged 67 and also draped in the finest of clothes, seated in a chair and sipping champagne. Raquel I'll say bye-bye to Damien first, darling. How long's he going to be in there? Del You can't rush him, sweet- heart, he's putting a very important deal together. He's talking to President Reeves in Washington. Raquel (Impressed) President Reeves! Really? The lift door opens and Rodney alights. Del There you are Rodney, where you been? Damien phoned you over an hour ago. Rodney I know, but the state transportation workers have gone on strike. Raquel On strike? I thought Damien had made strikes illegal. Rodney Yes, the police were shooting them as I left. Damien said he wanted to see me urgently. Del Come on. I'll take you through. Del leads Rodney towards the office door. Raquel follows. INT. NIGHT. ULTRA-FUTURISTIC OFFICE. As Lord Derek, Lady Raquel and Rodney enter office we find Damien, now 35, black hair, piercing brown eyes and dressed in the finest clothes, is talking on a futuristic phone. Damien (On phone) Listen to me, Keanu. You just sit there is the White House all day twiddling your thumbs and just playing at leadership! People are beginning to see through you. I mean, you still allow that old- fashioned system to operate - what was it called ... democracy! I got rid of it in Europe years ago. See Rodney's reaction. Del and Raquel are beaming proudly. Del What a boy eh? What a boy. Damien What's wrong with going to war with China? War is good! Well, of course, millions will be killed. A war without death is like a salad without water- cress! You worry too much ... I've got a busy night so make the declaration tomorrow. Slams phone down. Sound: From outside we hear the sound of a short burst of machine gun fire. Damien looks from his window and down into the street below. Damien (Cont'd) Last time she jumps a red light. Damien now becomes aware of Rodney's presence. He smiles at Rodney and stares with deep piercing eyes. Damien (Cont'd) Uncle Rodney. We hear a brief two-bar piece of the Damien theme. Rodney Damien. Damien (Hands Rodney a piece of paper) Take this round to the Chinese embassy. It's your visa application. I want you in Beijing for the war - you report back to me. Rodney War! I don't wanna go to war! Raquel What's wrong with you, Rodney?! Rodney I don't wanna go to war! Del Rodney, it's for the company. Damien War is good! Del You know it makes sense. Rodney It doesn't make sense! Raquel What would your Uncle Albert say? Rodney (Becoming increas- ingly confused) I don't know! Del Let's find out. Del presses a button. A large wall panel slides away to reveal a large glass case. Inside the case is a 100 year old Albert. His beard is longer than ever and he is connected to wires and cables and intravenous tubes. He doesn't move, he just stares ahead blankly. Rodney stares at this vision in horror. Without Albert's lips moving we hear a loop - tape begin. Albert (On tape) During the war - During the war - During the war... The "during the war" continues throughout. Cassandra, now aged 55 enters dressed in a maid's costume. Cassandra (To Del) You rang, your Lordship? Del Yes, fetch our coats, dear, we're going out. Rodney (Horrified) Cassandra! What are you doing here? Cassandra Damien took over my bank and fired me. I'm the maid. Del (Shrugs) It's a job, Rodney. Rodney (Now becoming emotionally excited) No, this isn't fair! Del (Trying to calm him) Rodney! Rodney It's not right, you shouldn't be doing this! Del Rodney! Rodney Everything was nice and now you've messed it all up! Del Rodney! Del and Rodney's voices begin to echo. We see Del's face as the picture slowly goes out of focus and into mist. Rodney (Echo) I wanna go back to how it used to be! Del (Echo) Rodney... Rodney! Now slowly we come back to today and Del's face. He is wearing his market cap and market clothes and is talking straight into camera. Del (Cont'd) Rodney! Rodney! Rodney! We now dissolve through to: INT. DAY. THE TROTTERS' FLAT. Rodney is seated on one of the latest 'armchairs' and is slowly coming out of his nightmare. Del Rodney! Rodney, Rodney! Wake up you dipstick! Rodney (Half-asleep) Why couldn't you have left things alone! Del? Looks around room. Rodney (Cont'd) Oh God, it was a dream. Del What's the matter with you? You been on that Rastafarian Old Holborn again? Rodney No, no, I just drifted off there for a while. Oh man, I had the wildest dream! Del What was it all about? Aah! Was it all sunny and little birdies going tweet tweet tweet? Rodney Alright, sorry! So what's happening? Del (As he opens and reads and official-looking letter) What's happening? I'll tell you what's happening. Rodders, we have bought a hundred and twenty five Latvian radio alarm clocks that go off anytime they bloody want. We've got two hundred aerodynamic cycling helmets that turn out to be horse-riding crash helmets that some git sprayed red. We've got a box of baseball caps that even E17 fans won't buy, there's a gang of hoodlums mugging anyone who dares to put their head outside the front door... (Waves letter) And the council have turned down my application for a home-improvement grant! Other than that - all is well. Del moves to door to bedrooms area. Rodney closes his eyes in luxurious security. Rodney Thank God! Everything’s normal. Del (Calls) Raquel, there's a letter here for you. What's all this falling akip at ten to eight in the morning? Don't you sleep at home? Rodney You know my situation! Checks no-one else in the flat can hear. Rodney (Cont'd) It's Cassandra and this baby thing, innit? The hospital's worked out another schedule for us. I'm at it like a rattlesnake! It's horrible. Del But that was always your ambition! Rodney Yes, but some people dream of singing La Traviata at the Royal Opera House, but they don't wanna sing it three bloody times a night. Del Make your throat sore, wouldn't it? Rodney Yes. They've put her on a special diet an all that. The gynecologist reckons it's just a matter of time - but Cass keeps getting broody... I got her a rabbit. Del A rabbit... What, that's in her diet? Rodney No, a pet rabbit! Something she can make a fuss over. I know it was a stupid idea. I wish I hadn't bothered now... Del So the hospital's done all the tests and everything? Rodney Yes. Look, this is personal. I don't want this being broadcast! Del Who's gonna listen? You've had her tubes looked at? Rodney Yes! God! Everything's fine but we just can't crack the case... Every day I'm taking specimens to the clinic and God knows what else. It's all to do with ovum’s and... things. The hospital keep showing me films of inside the human body. Cor, it don't half put you off, Del. Del I can imagine. Gimme Debbie Does Dallas any day. Right, we'll have a spot of breakfast and then get down the market. You wanna boiled egg? Del exits to the kitchen. Rodney follows. Rodney (Sharply) No! Del Alright, alright. Rodney Del, d'you mind if I ask a favour? Could I have this afternoon off? Del Why? She ain't booked you in for another seeing to, has she? Rodney No! It's erm...It's my birthday today. Del Is it your birthday? Blimey, it's your birthday! I completely forgot! Well, in that case Rodney, the answer's no. D'you think Richard Branson would have the afternoon off? Rodney Doubt it, he don't even know it's my birthday. Del I mean, would he have the afternoon off for his own birthday? Of course he wouldn't. He's out there in the financial fast lane - no time for jollying it up 'cos it's his birthday. Rodney (Disappointed) Alright then. Del lets him suffer - now a big grin. Del Course you can have this afternoon off. You can go home now if you want. Rodney No, this afternoon'll do. Cass has got a half day and we're gonna go shopping. Del hands Rodney three birthday cards. Del I didn't forget, did I? There's your cards, birthday boy. Rodney Cheers, Del. Rodney looks at one card. Del That's from Damien. Rodney's hands shake. Rodney Oh... Bless him. Del hands Rodney a small wrapped present. Del And that's from me and Raquel. Rodney unwraps the present which reveals a small jewellery box. He opens the box and produces a chunky, gold identity bracelet. He stares at it. It is the worst present he could imagine. Del It's a chunky, gold identity bracelet. Rodney Yeah, I can see that. Del It's just like mine Rodney, look at that - 24 carat that is Rodney, no old rubbish. See, it's got your name on it. Rodney studies the engraving. Rodney 'Rooney'? Del No, that's Rodney. Rodney But it says 'Rooney'. There's an 'O' where the 'D' should be. Del No, that is a D. It's that copperplate lettering. So, what do you think? Rodney You shouldn't have. Rodney goes to put the bracelet in his pocket. Del Well, put it on then. Rodney Eh? Right. Thanks Del. Rodney slips the bracelet on. Del Oi! Don't you go getting all emotional on me. Rodney Alright then. Del exits to the kitchen. Raquel, in dressing gown, enters from the bedroom area. Raquel Morning, Rodney. Rodney Hiya, Raquel. Raquel (Pointing to bracelet) What's that? Rodney It's a chunky gold ID bracelet. Raquel (Studying it) 'Rooney'? Rodney No, that's 'Rodney'. Raquel Looks like 'Rooney.' That's an 'O' isn't it? Rodney No it's a 'D'. It's copper- plate writing. Raquel (Laughing) Well, it looks like 'Rooney' from where I'm standing. Where d'you get it from.? Rodney It's your birthday present to me. Raquel Oh! It's your birthday! Sorry. Happy birthday, Rodney. Rodney Thanks. Raquel Del chose the present. I didn't even know what he'd got you. Where is he? Rodney In the kitchen. He's a bit disappointed, the council have just turned down his application for a home improvement grant. Raquel (Surveying the flat) I suppose they didn't have half a million pounds handy. Rodney What did he want to do then? Raquel Who knows! Put an extension on the balcony and build a double garage, knowing him. Del enters from the kitchen with the tea pot and mugs. Del I wanted a mere five thousand pounds to put new kitchen units in. Rodney Well that sounds fair enough. Raquel Oh get real, Rodney. There was no way he was gonna put new units in. He just wanted five grand. Rodney But the council would have checked to see you'd had the work carried out. Del Leave off, Rodders. You give 'em an eighteen month sob story and they forget all about it. They're all busy organising carnivals and things. Anyway, they've turned me down, so I don't know why we're discussing it, it's all epidemic. Who's the letter from? Raquel Don't know yet. Raquel exits to kitchen with mug of tea. Del sits at the table and reads the council's rejection letter. Del Gits. INT. DAY. TROTTERS' LOUNGE. Rodney reads a newspaper. As he does so a football suddenly bounces off his head. Rodney (Without turning around) Morning, Damien. We now find Damien standing by the door to bedroom area. He is wearing pyjamas and dressing gown and one of the baseball caps (back to front). Del It's a cracker, innit, son? Damien My Dad gets me everything... (To Rodney) D'you want to play war? A flashback to the nightmare. Damien (35) straight into camera. Damien War is good. Rodney No! Bit busy. Del Go on, you've got time for a little battle. Rodney No. I'm alright, honest. Del (To Damien) I'll get you your cereal. Del exits to kitchen. Damien When I'm older will people still wear baseball caps? Rodney When you're older, Damien, people ill wear whatever you tell them to wear. Damien Oh cool! If you get a birth- day cake, Uncle Rodney, can I have some? Rodney Yeah, of course you can. Damien has retrieved his football. He opens the door to Albert's room and throws the ball in and runs away to bedroom. Albert (OS) (Shouts) Little git! Albert enters with the ball wearing a dressing gown but is bare-legged except for a pair of scrunched up socks, one of which reveals a big-toe and carrying slippers. Rodney, hardly reacts to any of it, he just allows Trotter-life to wash over him. Albert Ain't it bloody fair, eh? Rodney Oh my God, Albert! Your socks look like the bomb- squads been having a go at 'em! Albert All I need now is that hospital to get you and Cassandra pregnant, and I'd have two of the little sods bouncing things off me head and sticking marmalade in me slippers. Rodney (Sudden panic) What do you know about me and Cassandra and the hospital? Albert (As he pours the tea) Nothing, son, nothing at all... What's an ovum? Rodney I don't belie... Were you listening to me and Del's conversation? Albert I wasn't listening, I just heard. Don't worry, you know me, son, I'm saying nothing. Del enters from the kitchen. Del Morning, Unc. Oi, you be careful when you collect your pension today. There's a gang of muggers operating round this area. Albert They don't worry me, son. I boxed for the navy. They called my left hand 'Trotter's Trembler'. Del I won't ask what they called your right hand. Del and Rodney laugh. Rodney If all else fails, Albert, you could always chuck your socks at 'em. Del checks his watch, which read 8 o'clock, and a sudden panic sets in. Del (Urgency) Come on, Rodders, let's go. Rodney What's the hurry? Del Come on, quick! Rodney Shall I load the van up? Del No. I've got to get the Capri in for a tune up first. Come on, hurry up! (Calls) See you, sweetheart! Come on, Rodney. Del and Rodney exit and we hear the front door slam. Raquel enters from the kitchen still with the letter in hand. Albert What's he such a hurry for? Raquel Don't know. Raquel, with a sudden fear, looks up at the wall clock which reads 8 o'clock. Raquel (Cont'd) Oh no, not again! Now, from inside the 'betatime radio/alarm' clock boxes we hear a cacophony of 125 alarms and radios begin playing. We have all different sounds - digital buzzers and beepers and warblers and bells of different pitch - radio stations playing different records - chat shows - news items. EXT.DAY. FRONT OF NELSON MANDELA HOUSE. We see a gang hanging around somewhere. The gang consists of: Gary: The leader: A strapping, tough looking six footer of about 19. Scott and Kevin: Two other lads about the same age but not as big. Dawn: A 17 year old girl. They are watching a young mother pushing her baby in a pram passing by. Their eyes firmly on her handbag. Gary gives a nod and the gang begins to move towards the mother. At this point Del and Rodney exit the front doors in a hurry. Del You take the van, Rodney, I'll follow you in the Capri Ghia. The sudden arrival of Del and Rodney force the gang to abort their action. Gary gestures to the gang to move off in the opposite direction. Rodney What's the big hurry? Del Eh? Erm, I've booked the Capri in for half eight. Rodney Oh right. (Looks up at the flats) What's that racket? Sounds like someone's having a rave. Del Tch! Some people, eh? They both climb into the vehicles. INT. DAY. SID'S CAFE. Sid is behind the counter with his customary cigarette between his lips. In the background in kitchen area is Sid's assistant cook. Trigger, in working clothes and Boycie, in suit and tie and reading a car-dealer's magazine, are seated at a table. Trigger is sporting a small, silver medal on his chest. Trigger's broom is leaning against wall. Trigger Did I tell you what Councillor Murray said to me when she gave me this medal? Boycie Yes! Trigger, you are boring the pants off me with this bloody medal! Trigger No. She said, 'I thank you on behalf of the council and the people of Peckham!' Del Morning, Sid. What d'you fancy, Rodney? Rodney I'll have a cheese roll. Cut to table. Trigger I still find it hard to believe! Boycie So do I! Medals for road sweepers! They'll be giving Del Boy an award for good taste next! Del and Rodney join them at the table. Del Morning all. Boycie Thank God you've arrived! He can bore you two with it now! Rodney What's that then? Boycie Trigger's got a medal. Del Oh yeah. Where'd you find that, Trig? Trigger I was awarded it. Look. Trigger shows them a photo. Trigger ( Cont'd) It's a picture of me receiving my medal from Councillor Murray. We see it is a photograph of Trigger, in uniform, with broom held proudly in hand, receiving an award from Councillor Murray in the town hall. Trigger (Cont'd) See, that's me. Rodney Oh that's you, is it? I'm glad you cleared that up, Trig. Del Let me have a look at that. So that's Councillor Murray, is it? That's the cow that refused my application for a council grant. I've never been treated so badly in all my life. Boycie Derek, when you have the time you'll have to tell me all about it. Del Hey, d'you reckon your friends at the masonic lodge might have some influence at the town hall? Boycie No. I've just often wondered what it must be like to apply for a council grant. Boycie laughs. Del And the day started out so well, didn't it? Trigger It's Councillor Murray's idea. She's head of Finance and Facilities at the Town Hall and she says the local people should be rewarded for services to the community. A proud moment in my family's history. Boycie Trigger, you haven't got a family history. You were created by a chemical spillage at a germ warfare plant somewhere off Deptford High Street. Trigger Maybe. But I still feel proud. Rodney So what exactly is the award for? Trigger For saving the council money. I happened to mention to her one day that I've had the same broom for the last twenty years. She was very impressed and said have a medal. Twenty years. Long time, Dave. Rodney Yeah, I know. It's two decades innit? Trigger I wouldn't go that far, but it's a long time. Sid arrives with tea and things. Del If you've had that broom for 20 years d'you ever actually sweep the roads with it? Trigger Well of course! But I look after it well. We have an old saying that's been handed down by generations of road sweepers: 'Look after your broom...' Rodney (Finishes saying for him) And your broom will look after you. Trigger ... No Dave. It's just: 'Look after your broom'. Rodney Oh, that old saying! Trigger Yeah. And that's what I've done. Maintained it for twenty years. This old broom's had seventeen new heads and fourteen new handles in its time. Sid Well, how the hell can it be the same bloody broom then? Trigger There's a picture of it! What more proof d'you need? Boycie Did you tell this Councillor Murray bint about the seventeen new heads and fourteen new handles? Trigger No. I didn't get technical with her. Anyway, I'll see you around. Sid Bon appetite. INT. DAY. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. Two hours later. We come up on Raquel's letter which has been opened and read. Raquel, now dressed, is talking on the phone. This is obviously quite an emotional conversation for Raquel. Raquel (On phone) Yeah... I know... This has come as a bit of a shock to me. Cut to hall. Del enters from front door. He begins unbuttoning his coat when he becomes aware of Raquel's voice. He listens to the conversation. We cut between the lounge and the hall. Raquel (Cont'd) (On phone) I haven't heard from you for years. Last time we met I got the impression that I wasn't important in your life any more. We see Del's reaction to this. He is angry, hurt and afraid. Raquel (Cont'd) (On phone) Yeah, I understand OK, let's meet... (Emphatically) No! I’ll come to you... This weekend? I'm not sure... Del? I don't know really. I suppose I'll have to tell him the truth. I'll give you a call... OK... I know you do... Of course I still love you. Now becomes tearful. Raquel (Cont'd) Bye. She replaces the receiver. We see Del. This is his nightmare coming true. Cut to lounge. Raquel is wiping her eyes. She looks vengefully at the ansaphone. She switches a button on ansaphone. We hear Del’s' voice coming from machine. He speaks in a false, posh and slightly nervous tone that so many people do when confronted with recording the outgoing message. Del enters from hall. Del (All false happiness) Alright, sweetheart? Raquel Yeah. What you been up to? Del (Nerves beginning to show) Oh, I met a bloke down the market. I've ordered a consignment of electric doughnut makers... I bumped into Boycie. He said that Mike at the Nag's Head is selling tickets for some party this weekend. Fancy going? Raquel This weekend? No, not really. Del OK... Any phone calls? Raquel Erm, no... Del, can we talk? Del Yeah, course we can. Raquel There's something I've gotta tell you. I'd like to sit down. Del Go on then. Raquel I mean both of us. They sit. Raquel (Cont'd) That letter I got this morning. Del Yeah. Raquel It was from my Mum and Dad. I've just got off the phone to them. Del gives an audible sigh of incredible relief. Raquel You OK? Del T'riffic. Your Mum and Dad? I didn't know you had a Mum and Dad. No, what I meant was you never mentioned them. Every time I've brought the subject up you said you stopped talking to 'em and you don't know where they are. Raquel Years ago we had a big bust up when I told them I wanted to go into show business. My Dad - he's a bit old fashioned - he said some nasty things - you can imagine. We see that Del can't imagine. Raquel (Cont'd) So I stormed out, went into digs and that was the last contact I had with them - until now. They got my address from the landlord at my old flat. They've been phoning for the last couple of weeks but just kept getting the answer- machine. Del Yeah, a lot of people get nervous about leaving messages on them machines. Raquel No, they left lots of messages but the rotten machine didn't record them. Del I wonder what the bloody hell's wrong with this thing. I'll have a butcher's at it - bound to be a button or something on it. Del moves off to ansaphone and gives it a whack. Raquel So I phoned 'em... We had a nice chat... They seemed different - sort of, understanding. (Now slightly weepy) I cried. Del (Hugging her) You silly old thing. Raquel My Mum said they'd missed me. (Now breaking down completely) I told them about Damien. Del And? Raquel They were pleased. They seemed really excited they had a grandson. I told them all about him. All the little things he does. They even wanted to know what he liked to eat. Del D'you tell 'em about me? Raquel I mentioned you. Del D'you tell 'em what I did? Raquel No. There wasn't time. They just wanted to know about Damien... They mentioned going up there at the week- end - they want to meet him. Del Well, that'll be nice for Damien as well. Del now busies himself trying to repair the ansaphone. Raquel Yeah... (Now broaching a difficult subject) The thing is. Well, see, my Dad's a bit of an old fuddy -duddy and he hasn't been well recently... Del (Referring to machine) Bloody thing! Raquel And I think meeting you might be a bit too much for him. So, I don't want to offend you, but d'you mind if just me and Damien went? Del That's the last time I buy anything off Ronnie Nelson! Del now has a terrible thought. Del (Cont'd) Oh, Mon Dieu,! I've just remembered, darling. I won't be able to come with you. I've gotta go to Covent Garden and pick up a van load of vegetables Saturday morning. Raquel Ah, they were really looking forward to meeting you as well, never mind. Del Alright sweetheart, you take Damien and have a nice time. I tell you what, take the Capri Ghia, let 'em see their little girl's done alright for herself. Raquel OK. Thanks, Del. (Kisses him) I do love you. Del Well of course you do, I'm that sort of bloke. What's your dad do? Raquel He's an antique dealer. Del Is he? I tell you what, down in the garage I've got a lovely... Raquel I'm not taking anything with me! Del Alright then, fair enough, just a thought. You go on - build a few bridges. Raquel I'll try. I'll make you a coffee. Raquel exits to kitchen. Damien enters from the bedroom area. Del Here, Damien, guess who you're gonna see on Saturday? Your Nan and your Grandad. Damien Have I got a Nan and Gran- dad? Del You have now. Damien Did you get 'em for me? Del No, they belong to your Mum. They're lovely, and they love you. You wait and see, they'll make a right fuss of you. Yeah, they're really nice people. Damien What are they called? Del (Hasn't got a clue) What are they called? Eh? Em... Nan and Grandad. INT. NIGHT. RODNEY AND CASSANDRA'S LOUNGE. There are birthday cards in evidence. On the sideboard we see a cage which contains a small white rabbit. Rodney and Cassandra are relaxing on the settee, drinking champagne whilst listening to music. Cassandra Did you feed the rabbit? Rodney Yeah, I chucked a carrot in earlier. Cassandra Good. At this point Rodney is at ease. Cassandra now checks her watch. We see Rodney's expression change as a cold fear grip him. Cassandra notices his expression. Cassandra Don't worry. Rodney I'm not. Cassandra It's only once tonight. Rodney Right. Cassandra Least I think it is. From the side of the settee she produces a large graph- type piece of cardboard. It is covered in dates and red and yellow dots and crosses. Cassandra (Cont'd) Yeah, just the once. Happy birthday again. Rodney Look at Tuesday. Cassandra Happy birthday again. Rodney Thank you. They chink glasses. In so doing Rodney's bracelet is revealed. Cassandra starts laughing at it. Rodney Oh leave off, Cass. Cassandra Sorry, Rooney. Rodney Del's gotta be the only bloke who could buy a gold identity bracelet and take it to a dyslexic engraver. Cassandra You got lots of nice presents as well. Rodney Yeah, I did. Cassandra I was talking to Mummy today and she said, as a special birthday present to you, why don't we fly over to the villa next week. I'm owed some time off and Del hasn't given you a holiday since... well, he hasn't given you a holiday! I thought it might help. You and me down there on the Costa Del Sol, sangria and warm evenings - we might be able to relax, and Doctor Carr said relaxation is very important in our case. Rodney Yeah, sounds good, don't it? Wait a minute. What about the rabbit? Cassandra Couldn't we give it to Del? Rodney No, he'd eat it! Cassandra Aren't there any sort of kennels? You know a place that looks after rabbits. Like a cattery but - well a rabbitry. Rodney A rabbitry? That's a Chinese toilet! Maybe your Mum and Dad could look after it. Cassandra Hardly, they'll be at the villa with us. Rodney They'll be there as well? How are we supposed to relax and - sort of - stick with the schedule with your Mum and Dad there? Cassandra I've figured it all out, Rodney. We won't do it in front of them! When we want to, you know, relax, we'll go to our bedroom! What d'you reckon? Rodney But they'll be in the room next to us! I mean, what about the panting and screaming and 'Yes, yes, yes!' Cassandra You'll just have to control yourself. Rodney No, it'll never work. Besides I can't leave Del now, business ain't going too well. Cassandra I know, I looked at your account. Rodney But we feel we're on the verge of something. Cassandra Yeah, that's what I thought! Oh come on Rodney, I was really looking forward to getting away for a few days. I've checked the flights and there are seats available. Thursday morning. Rodney I can't, Cass. You go. Cassandra You don't mind? Rodney Of course I don't. Go on, rest'll do you good. Cassandra kisses him. Cassandra You won't go to this party Mike's organising, will you? Rodney Of course not! What party? Cassandra I don't know, Raquel mentioned it when she phoned earlier. I don't want other women throwing themselves at you. Rodney Cassandra, that is some- thing you're gonna have to put up with! Cassandra But it'll mean putting our schedule on ice for a week. Rodney looks disappointed. Rodney 'Fraid so... Tch! We see a look of great relief on Rodney's face. INT. DAY. THE NAG'S HEAD. Three days later. Mike is behind the bar reading the Daily Mirror. It is a quiet lunch time. The only customers in the bar are Denzil in working clothes and Boycie in suit and overcoat who are seated at table reading newspapers. Marlene is seated at the bar reading a magazine. She is in full make-up. Trigger's broom is leaning against the table. Mike You both got tickets for Saturday's party? Boycie/Denzil Mmmhh. Mike I can tell you're looking forward to it! Mike looks to his hot'n'cold food cabinet which is filled with sausages, chips, pies, slightly curled sandwiches, etc. He shakes his head sadly at the waste. Mike (Cont'd) Marlene, fancy something to eat? Marlene I do as it happens, Mike. (To Boycie) Boycie, shall we pop down The Harvester in a minute? Boycie, Marlene and Denzil laugh. Mike (A false laugh) I don't get much trade but I do have a good laugh! Bloody 'ell. Trigger, in road sweeper's uniform, passes on the way to the table. We should notice that he also sports a small silver medal on his chest. Mike produces a handful of tickets. Mike (Cont'd) Trigger. D'you fancy a ticket? Tenner each. Trigger Righto, Mike. Mike What d'you mean, 'Righto, Mike?' You don't even know what they're for. Trigger (As if Mike is stupid) Tch! It's bound to tell you on the ticket, innit? Mike Oh yeah, I didn't think of that. Every year us local publicans organise a fancy dress ball. Prizes, the lot. This year it's old Harry Malcolm's turn - he's the landlord at the Crown and Anchor. He's holding the party at his house - he's got a great big place over Dulwich way. (Indicating ticket) See? It's got spot prizes, everything. Look, top prize is a brand new stereo system worth over a thousand pound. Trigger Fancy dress! I've only got my mohair suit and my best jumper. Mike Perfect! Mike takes the money. Trigger Did I tell you about my medal? Mike Yes, you told me a couple of times yesterday and three times this morning. Trigger Did I tell you, Marlene? Marlene Yes, love. You sent us a fax last night. Trigger moves to Boycie and Denzil. Boycie and Denzil see Trigger coming and try to hide behind their newspapers. Del and Rodney enter. Greetings are exchanged as Del and Rodney move to the bar. Del Alright, Mike. Del turns to Marlene. Del (Cont'd) Wotchyer, sweetheart. Del touches her up. Boycie reacts. Marlene Stop it! Honestly. Cassandra get off alright? Rodney Yeah, I've just come from the airport. Marlene And Raquel's away too, ain't she? I bet you two'll be out gallivanting Saturday night. Del Ooh no, we're not like that anymore. A cup of Bournvita, plate of toast and Match Of The Day, that's us, eh, Rodders? Rodney Heaven! Marlene (Spotting Rodney's ID bracelet) That's nice... 'Rooney?' Del No, it's 'Rodney'. Rodney It's not an O - it looks like an O but it's not! Quiet today, innit? Del Yeah, there's more life in one of his pork pies. Come on Michael. A pint of your finest lager-top for Rodney and a Manhattan for moi. Mike Fancy something to eat, Del. How about a nice beef stew? Rodney looks at the unappetizing fare. Del Yeah, that'll keep the cold out. Rodney You should be careful with the old beef, Del. Del Oh leave off, you brass. Trigger, broom in hand, is passing on way to exit. Trigger I don't know what you are worried about. I've been eating British beef all my life. Del Sausage and chips, please, Mike. Rodney? Rodney Something that was fresh this morning. Rodney moves away. Del And a Daily Mirror for Rodney. Del and Rodney join Boycie and Denzil. Greetings are exchanged. Denzil Any luck, Del? Del Loads of it, all bad! Just had a word with Paddy the Greek. You know them 9 carat gold bracel... Del corrects himself in Rodney's presence. Del (Cont'd) ...24 carat gold bracelets I was selling? I've just found out they've all been deported along with Ugandan Maurice. Denzil Why did you trust him with all that gold in the first place? Del Because he told me he was an exporter. Rodney Yeah, an ex-porter, he just got the sack from British Rail. Del Life's one long struggle. Moans of agreement from the others. Del (Cont'd) Sometimes I feel like King Farouk holding back the tide. I've got a kid to think of now. Denzil I've got bills coming out of me ears. Boycie I've got Marlene. Rodney It's Canute. Del You can say that again. Denzil, Mike and Boycie all agree. Rodney just looks on as if to say, 'Why do I bother?' Mike crosses over with food. Marlene follows. Mike (Trying to cheer Del) D'you wanna buy a ticket for a publican’s ball? Del Only if it's a raffle. Everyone except Mike laughs. Mike Your loss. Mike returns to the bar. Denzil You're right, Del, it sounds boring. Rodney Anyone going? Denzil Me. Boycie I've got to go, the host is a fellow mason. Last year's do was a real good laugh. Denzil I heard it all ended in a big punch up. Boycie Yes it did. But during the struggle Marlene got a whack on the nose. Marlene And you did nothing about it, did you? Boycie What could I do? You threw the first punch. Denzil (To Marlene) Were you injured? Boycie No, fortunately her make-up cushioned the blow. Boycie laughs. Rodney picks up his pint of lager and examines it. Rodney (Panic) I've just remembered! I was supposed to take Cassie's specimen into the clinic this morning! I've left it in your kitchen on your work top. Del Well that's alright, take it tomorrow. Rodney No you don't understand. It's not supposed to be left in direct sunlight. You're supposed to find a cool, dark spot where it won't be disturbed. Marlene How about Boycie's pants? Everyone laughs, including Boycie - now his laugh dies as he realises the joke is on him. INT. DAY. TROTTERS' LOUNGE. One hour later. Albert is on the phone to Raquel. Albert (On phone) Yes, everything's fine, Raquel - although there's no food in the fridge - but I'm not complaining. You just have a nice time, gel... We hear the front door slam. Albert (Cont'd) Hold on, I think Del's back. Del and Rodney enter - returning from the pub. Albert (Cont'd) Del Boy, Raquel's on the phone. Del Right, thanks, Albert. I'll take it in the bedroom. Del exits to the bedroom area. Albert (Cont'd) (On phone) He's gonna take it in the bedroom, love. See you soon, bye. Albert hangs up. Albert (Cont'd) (To Rodney) I suppose your Cassandra'll be there by now. Rodney checks his watch on the same wrist as the ID bracelet. Rodney She should have landed by now. Bloody 'Rooney!' Albert I don't know why you wear an ID bracelet. Men - real men - didn't wear them in my day. Rodney You used to wear dog-tags round your neck. Albert They were ID necklaces! Completely different. Rodney To be honest, Unc, I don't wanna wear this thing but I don't wanna hurt Del's feelings. Albert I understand, boy... During the war. Rodney God! Albert I had a mate who had exactly the same problem. His Mum had bought him a gold watch which he hated. But he didn’t wanna hurt her feelings. So he had to find a solution to the problem. Rodney So what's he do? Albert One night he went round all the pubs in Portsmouth flashing his gold watch about. On the way back to the ship he got mugged... Problem over. Rodney That was a good idea, weren't it? Albert There's a lot of mugging going on round here, Rodney. Rodney Albert, I'm not seriously considering it as a viable option! God Almighty! I'll just have to tell him the truth. Albert Be gentle though. Albert exits to the kitchen. Rodney begins practicing breaking the news. Rodney Del, about this thing you gave me for my birthday. Del It's a beauty, innit? We see Del has entered from bedroom area. He takes coat off. Rodney Eh? Yeah... Em, thing is... Del I tell you what Raquel and Damien are having a nice time. Getting on really well with her Mum and Dad. Rodney Yeah? I didn't know Raquel had any parents. Del Nor did I. They turned up out of the blue. There was a bit of a family barney in the past and now we're trying to patch things up. A kiss and a cuddle's all it takes. Rodney Oh, well that's good, innit? Didn't you want to go and meet your common- law in-laws then? Del Well, I would have gone but, to be honest, Raquel didn't want me to go. Rodney What, she told you? Del She was having a difficult time in telling me, so I made an excuse to let her off the hook. I think she thought I might embarrass her. Rodney nods in thoughtless agreement. Rodney Mmmh...! (Now corrects it) What d'you mean? That's silly! How could you possibly embarrass her? Del Well, that's what I thought! Her old man's an antique dealer. I was gonna let him have a look at the Jacobean cine- camera... She most probably wants to save me for later. So, what was you gonna say about your bracelet? Rodney Eh? Erm, nothing. I'm well pleased with it. Del And you'll never forget your name will you? Albert enters from the kitchen. Albert (Moaning) Raquel goes away for a few days and this flat becomes a shambles. There's no food in the fridge, the veg is on the turn and that apple-juice is 'orrible. I've eaten better on a life-raft. Albert exits to his bedroom. Del Shuddup moaning, you old git! Don't he go on? Apple juice, what apple juice? Rodney shrugs. Now a cold fear. Rodney rushes to the kitchen. He now enters from the kitchen. Rodney (Horrified) It's Cassandra's specimen! It's gone! Del You mean? I don't believe him! Rodney What am I gonna tell Cassandra? Del Tell her it spilt in the van as you went round a corner. Rodney I can't lie to her, Del. Del Alright, tell her Albert drunk it. Rodney I can't tell her that, can I? It's just one thing after another. Del Yeah, same here. We need to get out, bruv. Rodney How d'you mean? Del Well, I've been thinking. Cassandra's away in foreign climes and now Raquel's had it away on her toes to Milton Keynes. And what's happening tomorrow night? It's the big party, innit? The publican's ball. So I was thinking, so while the mice are away why don't us cats go out and play. It'll be like the old days, Rodney. Rodney We're not gonna be pull- ing birds, are we? Del We never pulled birds in the old days so what chance we got now? Come on, what d'you say? Rodney Well, it's only harmless fun, innit? Del We'll go for a couple of hours. A sausage roll, bit of a grin, that's all. The top prize this year is a stereo system worth over a grand. Rodney What'd they give prizes for? Del