Episode Special - Miami Twice Part 2 Oh To Be In England EXT. DAY. Shot of an jet airliner flying through the sky. INT. DAY. AIRLINER CABIN. We track along the cabin taking in a number of average British holiday makers and a few business people (not every seat is taken) until we find the Trotters. Del is at window seat and wearing flashy summer shirt, a colourful sun hat and a pair of thick gold-framed, Benidorm-specials sunglasses (often referred to as 'bingo glasses'). He is excited by the whole event - looking from the window and around the cabin - like a kid trying to absorb every second of this adventure. He has a pair of in-flight earphones on. Rodney is in the middle seat (the aisle seat is empty). He is casually reading a book. Del, still with the headphones on, is speaking too loudly. Del Hey hey hey - we've done it Rodders! Rodney Done what? Del Eh? Rodney (A little louder) Done what? Del Done it - joined the glitter- ati! Rodney The glitterati? Del Eh? Rodney Take the headphones off! Del Eh? Oh. Sorry. Del takes the headphones off. Del (Cont'd) Do what? Rodney What do you mean, we've joined the Glitterati? Del Well we have, ain't we? We're transatlantic people now ain't we, eh? No more of that Costa Del Sewage for us, bruv. We're in the big time now. Rodney Yeah, I suppose so. Oi, Del, when we land in Miami, right, before we go to any bars or anything like that, the first thing we gotta do is sort ourselves out some transport and accommo- dation. Del It's all taken care of, bruv. You know Alex, the travel agaent, he faxed one of his people in the States. Rodney So we're all fixed up? Ace! Oh well, I'll pay Alex when I get back. I'll do it on me credit card, eh? Del No, there's no need - I've already done it. Rodney Good!... What, on my credit card? Del Well, yeah. That's what you were gonna do, weren't it? Rodney Yeah. Del Well, that's it, I've saved you the bother. 'Cos this is your holiday, and I don't want nothing to mar it. Rodney is politely uncertain. Rodney Thanks. Del We're gonna live it up a little, ain't we? Rodney Well... yes! But there are two kinds of living it up, Del. You know - enjoying the freedom from the stresses of work, filling the mind with new sights and sounds, experiencing local cuisine and culture, even indulging in the gifts of nature such as the sea and sun. And then there's your kind! Del What exactly do... Rodney (Interrupting) There will be no women on this trip! Right? Del ... Can you be more pacific? Rodney This holiday is not gonna be another Benidorm revisited. And I'm warning you, if I see one, just one bra hanging off our car aerial - I'm outta there. Del I'm not gonna do anything like that. And I would never of even thought of it if you hadn't just brought it up. I don't know what goes on in that little mind of yours. You dirty little devil. Here look - I'm gonna have a little nap. Give us a nudge when the old drinks arrive, will you? Now then how d'you get this chair to go back then? Del pulls the chair-lever up and his chair disappears from frame in a flash. We stay on Rodney. As Del's chair whizzes back we hear a thump and the sound of plastic plate and glass breaking. The woman sitting behind Del yelps in alarm. Woman (OOV) Look what you've done! Del (OOV) Oh, er, sorry about that. Woman (OOV) You've ruined it! Del (OOV) No no no no - that's alright. That'll clean off. Ask the stewardess for a cloth. Woman (OOV) It's dry clean only! Del (OOV) No, they put that on the label to impress you. Rodney puts the headphones on in an attempt to block out the row going on around him. Rodney Bloody 'ell. We hear (distorted, as if from head-phones) the opening bars of 'Summer In The City'. Del I'll tell you what, give me a serviette and I'll do it. That's right. Hitch your skirt up a bit, gel. That's it. Go on, give us it here. What, on your own, are you? EXT.DAY. MIAMI AIRPORT (MAIN BUILDING). Del and Rodney exit the building lugging their suit- cases, etc. They hire a taxi. Del shows the driver a piece of paper (obviously contains an address). The taxi pulls away. Del is wearing the summer hat and sunglasses and continues to wear them until evening. EXT.DAY. Arial shot of Miami coastline. Sunny day. EXT. DAY. MIAMI MONTAGE. Various shots of Miami from taxi window. Shots of Del and Rodney in the back of cab enjoynig the views and the excitement of the trip. EXT. DAY. CAUSEWAY WITH BAYSIDE VIEW (MIAMI SKYLINE IN THE BACKGROUND). The taxi pulls to a halt. Del and Rodney alight. Del takes a photo of Rodney with the Miami skyline in the background. Rodney now takes the same photo of Del. A young guy passes by., with a sports camera around his neck. Del asks him to take a photo of him and Rodney. Del and Rodney stand with the skyline in the background. The young boy takes the photo. Now he runs off with the camera. Del gives chase. DAY. QUIET HIGHWAY ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF THE CITY. We see a small, rather tacky looking car rental lot: 'Mac's Auto Rentals'. We see a number of cars of various ages and conditions. In the centre of the lot is a mobile home or shack which houses the office. The taxi pulls up and Del and Rodney alight. INT. DAY. CAR RENTAL OFFICE. It's a very untidy and cramped office. Mac, the owner (45, unshaven and doesn't care) is seated behind the counter reading a newspaper. Del and Rodney enter. Del Hello, anybody here? Mac I'm in here! Del Oh, right. Del and Rodney go through to the back office. Mac Oh hi, how ya doing? Del Yeah, listen - our travel agent reckons he's booked a car for us from you. Del hands Mac some paperwork. Mac Okay. Mac checks Del's paperwork against that of his own. Mac (Cont'd) You guys on vacation? Rodney Yeah, a weeks' holiday. Mac No kidding? You come all the way from Australia for a week? Del No no no - we're not from Australia! No, we are English. Mac Oh, well you vould have fooled me. Well, I won't hold you up. I'll just bring it right around the front. Mac exits. Del notices an advertisment on the wall concerning the 'Star Tours' trip around Biscayne Bay. Del Hey - look at this! We'll have some of that, eh, Rodders? Rodney What? Yeah, a nice little boat trip'll do us the world of good. Del Yeah. EXT. DAY. THE CAR LOT. Del and Rodney are ut of the office. They place their luggage down. Rodney Oh wotchya America... Oh, this is gonna be a holiday to remember, innit? Del Ha ha ha - You said it, bruv. Rodney is now drawn from his reverie by a sesne of curiosity as we hear the low throbbing sound of an approaching vehicle which would appear to have serious exhaust problems. Rodney turns and reacts. We see Mac at the wheel of a large and old camper. Del Here we go, Rodders! Rodney (Horrified) What the hell is this, Del? Mike calls to them. Mike Alright, you gents have a nice day, now! Del And you, pal. Rodney Yeah, thank you. Mac exits to office. Rodney What are we gonna do with that? Del That? That is where we're gonna live. Alex recommended it. See, the advantage is we don't have to stay in one spot, do we? You know, we can move about a bit and it's cheap. Rodney Del, there is no way I'm gonna spend any time in this mobile ghetto with you! Del Eh, what do you mean you're not gonna spend any time... Look Rodney, I was only tryin' to save you money. And we won't be trapped, will we? Eh? Becasue when we get to a campsite we can dump this, then we can go walkies, right? Rodney Del, we could have booked a ho... Oh, bloody 'ell! I don't believe that I've got... Alight, on one condition. Del Alright, sir, what is the condition? Rodney No curries! Del Alright, no curries son. Come on then. Let's go'n see America! Hey, hey! INT. DAY. MAC'S OFFICE. Mac looks from his window and laughs. EXT. DAY. CAR LOT. Del pulls the camper onto the empty highway but he is driving on the left-hand side of the road. Del Here we go, Rodders! He is driving away from camera and towards a brow of a hill. We hear Del singing. Del (OS) 'Oh the Yellow Rose of Texas is the one I'm gonna see. The Yellow Rose of Texas is the only girl for me.' Rodney (OS) (screams in alarm) Deeelll! A car appears from over the hill on the same side of the road as the Trotters. Del's camper is still on the left-hand side of the road. The other car is passing on the opposite side of the road. We hear the driver call out to Del. Man (OS) You jerk! Del (OS) Get over, you dipstick! Rodney (OS) You're on the wrong side of the road! Del (OS) Eh? Rodney (OS) They drive on the right-hand side of the road over here! Del (OS) Oh yeah! That's right, yeah. The camper pulls away and moves to the right-hand side of the road. Del, completely dismissing the fact that only three seconds ago he almost wiped himself and Rodney off the face of the earth, begins singing again. Del (Cont'd) 'Oh the Yellow Rose of Texas is the one I'm gonna see. The Yellow Rose of Texas is the only girl for me.' The camper disappears over the brow of the hill. INT. DAY. MAC'S OFFICE. Mac is now sitting at his desk reading his newspaper. He laughs as he hears the screech of tyres. On the front page we see the headlines: 'MAFIA TRIAL. VINNY "THE CHAIN" OCCHETTI PLEADS FOR BAIL". Music under: A tune very much on the lines of 'The Godfather' theme. We are talking serious Mafiosi. EXT. DAY. THE OCCHETTI MANSION. The white painted mansion is surrounded by finely manicured lawns. A long, sweeping drive leads up to the front steps of the house. The vision suggests tennis courts, swimming pool and twenty or so bedrooms. The propery is protected by a high wall and shrubs. A large set of electonically operated wrought iron gates guard the entrance to the drive and property. This is the home of Don Vincenzo 'Vinny the chain' Occhetti, the 45-year old head of the most powerful Mafia family. He is the Don of Dons - Marlon Brando would call him sir. The Occhetti family and their soldiers are all third and fourth generation Italian- Americans and so, despite their Italian names, speak pure American. We see the magnificent house which is bathed in Florida sunshine. We see four of the Don's soldiers sitting and lounging around on the steps or walls of the house. Three of them are jacketless and are wearing shoulder holsters (All the soldiers wear dark suits and sunglasses). One of the soldiers (Pauly) who is wearing his jacket and appears to be in a position of authority is standing a distance away from the others. His two-way radio crackles into life. Then he calls to the other three, one of whom is a tall, thin man and is always referred to as 'Lurch'. Pauly answers the radio. Pauly (On radio) Yeah, what is it? Right. Pauly calls to the other three. Pauly (Cont'd) Hey, Lurch, Tony, Gino. Smarten up. The DOn's left the courthouse. The other two men put their jackets on and tighten their ties. They now produce pump-action shotguns from behind walls. We see the electronic gates opening and two other soldiers standing guard. Now a cavalcade of five black limosines glides through the gates. It is made up of two sedans at front and two sedans at rear. In centre is a black stretch-limo with darkened windows. The cavalcade purrs up the driveway and stops in front of the house. Armed soldiers alight from cars and assume guard positions. Rico Occhetti, the Don's 24-year old son, alights from the front passenger seat of the stretch limo. He opens the back door of the car. Don Vincenzo Occhetti alights. He wears a light coloured three-piece suit with two thick gold chains hanging across his waistcoat (his trade mark). He now straightens and we see that Don Occhetti bears a striking resemblance to Derek Trotter. The man though, has a dark and sinister soul. His hard unsmiling face holds a menace. He is used to getting his own way and he is given to thumping tables and issuing contracts on people's lives when refused. We shall discover that he is also a desperate man after being trapped by the law for his immoral business activities and violent excesses. He is the kind of man who can turn from the benign calm of your favourite uncle to the screaming tantrums of your worst brat nephew in the click of a switchblade. His voice is pitched about the same level as Del's but bears strong Chicago overtones. His skin is more tanned than Del's thanks to the Florida sunshine. Don Occhetti surveys his kingdom and then reacts. We see an unmarked car parked outside the main gates. Two en are standing by the car. Don Rico. Rico Yeah,Pop? Don Who are those goons in the car? Rico Police surveillance, Pop, nothing to worry about. Don Nothing to worry about?? I got cops sitting outside my front gate and there's nothing to worry about! What's happened to my civil rights? Rico (QUietly) Well, they kinda diminished after they arrested you, Pop, but you've been released on bail so be happy. Don Be happy! Be happy, huh? In one week from now I got a jury sitting in judgment on me, looks like I may spend the rest of my life in San Quentin and my son wants to throw a party! Whaddaya, huh, whaddaya? I wanna speak to my lawyer, now! As Don Occhetti moves towards the house, Rico calls to the family lawyer Salvatore, a dark suited man of about 40 who is standing a respectful distance away, armed with nothing more than a suitcase. Rico (Calls) Salvatore. He gestures towards the house. Rico and Sal follow the Don across the courtyard to the house. INT. DAY. THE LARGE HALL OF MANSION. The interior of the house is decorated mainly with white or light colours and with the finest wallpapers, rugs, paintings, gold light fittings and furnished with fine antiques. It is the very height of opulence. The shutters are closed against the searing sunshine and so the house is darkened - like the souls of those who inhabit it. Don Occhetti enters through the front door followed by Rico and Salvatore. Don (The kind uncle) Salvatore... Sal Don Occhetti. Don Ah, Salvatore, haven't I always been good to you? Sal Yes, Do Occhetti. Don Haven't I always done favours for your family? Sal Yes, Don Occhetti. Don Have I ever done you any harm? Sal Well, there was that time when... A look from Rico stops Sal's speech. Sal No, Don Occhetti. Don Hmm, so maybe this time, er, Salvatore you can help me because, erm, I'm a little confused. This is the way I read the situation. You are my lawyer. Correct? Sal Yes, Don Occhetti. Don Yet, here I am looking at three to four life sentences in the slammer. (Now the brat) So why in hell don't you get off your ass and bury this rap? Sal (Gulps back his fear) Well, you see, we're having problems proving your innocence. Don Why? Sal 'Cos you're guilty. Sal realises what e has said and tries to correct. Sal (Cont'd) Oh no, when I say guilty what I mean is... Don (Interrupting) Guilty of what? Rico Kidnapping, drug-smuggling, accessory to three counts of murder. Gossip, Pop, just gossip. Don Hmm, so... so I made a few mistakes in the past, you now, I mean to say - nobody's perfect. Rico and Sal nod in agreement. Don Now you listen to me - when my father... (Does the sign of the cross) God bless that man's spirit, when he arrived on these shores from Sicily in 1930, this was a land of democracy and law and order. Now he fought to change all that, but look at us now, huh? What have all his efforts amounted to, huh? Zilch, that's what. Zilcho! Salvatore - you call your- self a lawyer? You're a schmuck! And that goes for you too, Rico. Don Occhetti now begins moving up the stairs with Rico and Sal in pursuit. Don If your mother was alive today... (Does the sign of the cross) God bless that woman's soul, she would disown you. Rico Come on, Pop! They move along the corridor towards the Don's suite of rooms. The Don is on the move. Don I tell you this, Rico, huh. I never thought I'd see the day when a son of mine would be willing to stand back and watch his own father spend the rest of his life in the state pen sharing meatloaves with the faggots, huh! They enter the Don's suite. INT. DAY. DON OCCHETTI'S SUITE. We are in a sumptuously decorated office with an antique desk and leather Chesterfield suite. To the left, two doors lead off. One leads to his bedroom. The second door leads to a bathroom/gymnasium. Hanging on the walls and standing on pieces of furniture are various photos. There is also a large oil portrait in a gilt frame of Don Occhetti. There is a large antique globe of the world which has been converted into a cocktail cabinet. Again, the room is shaded. Don Occhetti enters, continuing his speech from landing. Don Shall I tell you what'll happen if I go down? All the families'll be carving up our empire like dogs fight- ing over a weenie roast. Every Marielito-punk from Little Havana will be tryin' to get a slice of the action! And what about the Columbian, uh? Sal What Columbian? Don What Columbian he says! Rico What are you a jerk, Salvatore? Don Just sit down, will ya? Sit down. Next week Seņor Vasquez arrives here from Columbia to settle our little deal. What d'you think he's gonna do if he thinks I've gone down the tube? I'm getting very worried, Salvatore, I'm getting very nervous about the future. Don Occhetti lets out an enormous burp. Don (Cont'd) D'you hear that? Rico and Sal nod. Don (Cont'd) That's peptic gas that's caused by nervous exhaust- ion! What ever happened to the ancient Sicilian traditions of bribery, blackmail and intimidation? Huh? The Don opens the globe cocktail cabinet and pours him- self a spoonful of medicine. He reacts to the vile taste. Sal This is not a local police investigation. This is the FBI and we can't pay those guys off. Rico The jury is locked up in a guarded hotel, the witnesses got round the clock protection, we just can't reach anybody. Don Then maybe I ought to do something about it myself, then, huh? Rico You can't, Pop. The police surveillance team is watching every move you make, they even got a TV camera crew filming you for a documentary. Don They're filming me? What d'they think I am, a common criminal or something? Rico and Sal shrug. Don (Cont'd) Now you listen to me. Rico, I want you to take some money from the family account and I want you to buy me a DA - you buy me the judge - you buy me the senator. A lot of people in this town owe me favours. I want these favours returned. Rico We've tried, but so far there have been no takers. It looks like people are turning their backs on you. Don That is a very impolite and highly dangerous thing to do! Now, what I want you to do - I want you to keep searching and I want you to keep thinking. Because somewhere - somewhere out there - lies the answer to my problems. EXT. DAY. A SIGHTSEEING BOAT IN BISCAYNE BAY. From the Don's last words we cut to Del laughing uproariously. He is now wearing a 'Miami Heats' basketball cap. Rodney is next to Del and is also laughing but in a more self-conscious way. In the background we see a sign which reads: 'Star Tours. See the stars' hoes. Julio Iglesias. The Bee Gees. Gloria Estefan.' We see the object of their merriment is a buxom young girl. Del Ha ha - look at the state of that! You wouldn't go near that unless you had all your own teeth, would you, Rodders, eh? Rodney (Laughing) Shuddup, you'll get us nicked! The girl lights a cigarette. Del Look! Look at her now, look - they say smoking's bad for your chest! Skipper (On tannoy) Biscayne Bay is the centre of the Florida Coast Guards Service. As you may now, Miami has been nick- named Cocainesville and the officers of Biscayne Bay fight an all year round battle with the drug-runners. And coming up on your left, you will see the home of Barry Gibb, the lead singer of the Bee Gees. From our boat we see a figure hosing the garden. Del Look! Look there, look! Look, Rodders, there's a real-life Bee Gee. Rodney Course it ain't! He's most probably the gardener! Del No, no, it's him, it's him, it's Barry Gibbs. It is! (Shouting) Alright Bazza? Eh? Rodney Shuddup, will you? That's not him! Del It is! EXT. DAY. JETTY. The figure has his back to us and in background, we can hear Del singing loudly. Del (OOV) 'How deep is your love, is your love, how deep is your love...' Barry Gibb turns into shot. Barry Gibb (Mumbling to himself) I need all this! Barry Gibb walks out of shot. EXT.DAY. SIGHTSEEING BOAT. Del No, I reckon you was right, Rodders, it weren't him, most probably the gardener! Rodney Yeah, what did I say? EXT. NIGHT. NIGHTCLUB PARKING LOT. The lot is filled with Mercs ad Cadillacs etc, and also two black sedans which should look familiar. The camper pulls in next to the sedan and Del and Rodney alight. By now they have managed to wash and put on a change of clothes - Del no longer wears the hat and glasses. They get out and check the doors are locked. Del is facing the nightclub as if it's a personal challenge. Del That's it. Come on, Rodney, bellies in. Rodney Del, I still think it would be a better idea if we were to drive to the camper site now and book in first. Del Rodney, look - it's only quarter to eight, there's plenty of time to get in the old camp-site. Rodney Yeah, there's also plenty of time for you to get drunk after we've booked in. Del Get drunk? Get drunk? You enjoy putting me down, don't you, eh? You think that I'm just a one-dimensional sort of person, don't you? Well you're wrong! The only reason I want to go in to that club is to make a telephone call because I promised Raquel that I'd phone her as soon as we arrived. Rodney indicates across the road. Rodney And what's wrong with the public call box over there? Del Well, you can't get a drink in there, can you? Come on! Rodney Oh - what are we gonna do with our luggage? Del Well, I'll tell you what - why don't we bring it with us and we can put it in the middle of the dance floor and boogy around it like them sorts do at the Nag's Head when they have a disco with their handbags! Rodney No need to be sarky about it! They walk on before Rodney reacts. Rodney (Cont'd) Oi - what are you talking about 'disco' and 'boogying'? Del, I am not boogying! Del shouts from the entrance of the club. Del Rodney, please keep your voice down! Remember we're supposed to be ambassadors for our country! Don't want these people thinking we're lager louts, do we? (To a couple who are passing by) Excuse me - mais oui, mais oui. INT. NIGHT. THE NIGHTCLUB. It is quite crowded, people drinking at bar, others eating at tables, two couples smooch on the dance floor. We see Del and Rodney enter and push their way to the bar. Del (Calling barman) Eh, Juan! Over here, Juan. When you're ready, son. Francisco, the club owner approaches. Del has his back to him at this moment and so the only face he can see is that of Rodney. Francisco Excuse me, gentlemen. I'm sorry but this club is for members only. Del turns to face him. Del You what? Francisco reacts, believing he has just insulted Don Vincenzo Occhetti. Francisco I am so sorry Seņor, I did not realise it was you! Del and Rodney look behind them to see who he is talk- ing to. Francisco Please accept my deepest and sincerest apologies. Francisco kisses Del's hand. Del and Rodney look at each other. Del clenches his fist - Rodney restrains him. Francisco (Cont'd) I am honoured that you should choose to visit my humble nightclub. Please, may I offer you a drink? Del Yes, yeah, we'll have a cubre libra and something non- alcoholic. Francisco Of course. Del Yeah, and we'll be sitting over there, alright? Francisco I will be with you immediately! Del and Rodney move to a table as Francisco goes to get their drinks. Del What was all that about then? Rodney God knows! Friendly sort of bloke, weren't he? Del Oh, yeah. We cut away to table on the far side of club. Here we find Rico, Salvatore, Pauly, Lurch and Tony. They are finishing a meal and involved in a dark and brooding conversation. Rico There's gonna be a war! Sal Maybe not. Rico The only thing that can prevent it is for you to find an alibi for my father. Sal I don't have to find your father an alibi! I have to find him nine alibis! How the hell am I supposed to do that in a week? Rico How can the justice depart- ment can treat him like this. Don't they know who he is? Sal Yeah, that's the problem! Rico You mark my word, Salvatore, the moment the jury foremen says, 'Guilty' the war begins. Sal Maybe not. Rico Why d'you keep saying 'maybe not'? What d'you think the rest of the Families are gonna sit back on their butts and pretend the old man is still in control? They're gonna go to war! Am I right, Pauly? Pauly You're right, Rico. Rico Am I right, Tony? Tony You're right, Rico. Rico Am I right, Lurch? Lurch Maybe not. Rico (To Sal) You see? (Reacts to Lurch) There's gonna be a war! Francisco arrives at the table. He is carrying a tray with Del and Rodney's drinks. Francisco Seņor Ricardo. Rico Francisco, can't you see I'm in a meeting here? Francisco I am sorry to interrupt, Seņor but I would like to explain if I'd known he was coming here tonight I would have arranged a private room. Rico If you'd known who was coming ere tonight! Francisco Your father? Rico My father? Pauly Is this some kind of joke, Frankie? Don Occhetti is under virtual house arrest. He can't go to the john without the police tailing him. Francisco But he is here! See for yourself. Francisco indicates towards corner table. Rico, Sal, Pauly , Lurch and Tony rise fro the table and peer over and through the crowd towards corner table. We have a shot from their POV of Del sitting at a table lighting a cigar. We see the Mafia's reaction to this mirage. They now lower themselves and disappear from view behind the crowd. Cut away to corner table. Francisco arrives with the drinks. Del Oh, lovely jubbly. How much do we owe you? Francisco Please, it is on the house, you are my guests. Would you like to eat? Rodney Oh, no thanks, we had something earlier. Francisco I see. If there is anything that you should require, as always, I am at your service. Francisco exits. Del Big mouth! I expect the grubs most probably been free an' all! Rodney Course it wouldn't! Del Listen, Rodney, d'you know what we're dealing with here? Rodney What? Del American hospitality! They're famous for it, they are. The most friendliest people in the entire world. We cut away to the Mafia table. Tony is listening on the mobile phone. Tony is eagerly awaiting the phone to be answered. Tony Come on, come on. The phone is answered. Tony (Cont'd) Yo, Gino! It's Tony... Yeah - is the Don there? (Pause. To Rico) He's in the pool. Rico snatches the phone away from Tony. Rico Can you actually see him? Good! (The phone is answered) Dad's at home, the guy over there ain't him! (On phone) Listen carefully. Tell my father to stay in his room till I get back tonight... Just tell him I might have a surprise for him. Rico turns the phone off and smiles smugly. We cut away to corner table. Del has finished his drink. Del I tell you what - I'm boiling! Rodney That's strange, that. I mean, here you are in a tropical climate, wearing a worsted polyester blue serge suit and you feel hot? Del (Uncertain) Yeah. Rodney Weird... He is interrupted by the arrival of the Mafia. They smile benignly at Del and Rodney except for Sal who appears nervous and reluctant to party to this. Rico Hi, how are you guys doing? Del Yeah, alright. Yeah - a great time. Thank you. Rico Good. Let me guess. You're not local people. Rodney No, no we're here on holiday. Rico looks at Sal. Sal Vacation. Rico Oh, vacation! Yeah, yeah, I thought as much. Well, welcome to America. Del Yeah, well, thanks very much, son. Tony We don't get many Australians round here. Del Look, we're not Australian, right? Rodney We are British. Rico British! We love the British! Are you, erm, living locally? Del Well, no. No, we've got one of them camper things out there in the street, you know. We just whack our bags and what have you in the back and off we go. During the next exchange we see Tony talking quietly to Lurch. Lurch leaves the club. Pauly It's the best way to see the country. Del Yeah, well, I mean - you can't whack it, can you? Rico (Confused) No, like you say, you can't whack it. So can I get you guys a drink? Del Er, well, er, no... Sal (Quietly) I don't think this is wise, Rico. Rodney You see the thing is, we've gotta drive over to the camping site... sorry, the camper-park, before it closes, you see. Pauly Oh come on, you must have time for one! Del Well, we can have one, Rodney, what do you reckon, eh? Rodney Yeah, go on then. Del Yeah, we'll have a drink with you - let's introduce ourselves. This is my brother Rodney, and my name's Del - that's er, short for Derek. Rico Hi, Rodney... Derek. I'm Rico. This is my cousin Salvatore and our friend Pauly. Greetings and handshakes all round. Sal Are you enjoying your stay so far? Del Oh yes, er, great. No, we're having a blinding time. Rico Why don't you join us? EXT. NIGHT. NIGHTCLUB PARKING LOT. We see the black sedan's trunk open. Lurch, with a jemmy, leaves the back doors of the camper open. He now takes the Trotters' suitcases and hand-luggage from camper and places them in the trunk of the sedan. He closes the trunk and, leaving camper doors open, returns to the nightclub. INT. NIGHT. THE NIGHTCLUB. It is an hour and something later. Del, who has had slightly too much to drink, and Rodney are standing and about to leave. Lurch is now part of the group again. Rico Come on, come on, you've got time for one more! One more... Rodney (Checking watch) No, no, really. We're pushing our luck as it is. Del No, he's right, Rico. He's right. Pauly Come on, one for the road. Tony Yeah, guys, come on, you got time for one more... Del Alright, go on then, have one for the road. Rodney No, no, Del. No, come on mate, cos that campsite's gonna be shut and we're gonna be locked out for the night. Rico I didn't realise it was so late. We've gotta be going soon. They all stand. Rico (Cont'd) Well, Rodney - Del Boy! Del Rico! Well, thanks very much! It's been really really great meeting you guys, it really has. Thanks a lot and er, we've enjoyed your company and everything. Now we gotta go - we'll see you later then, yeah? Thanks a lot - yeah it's been great. There are general goodbyes from everyone. Del and Rodney exit. EXT. NIGHT. NIGHTCLUB PARKING LOT. Del and Rodney exit from the club. Del What a blinding night, eh, Rodders? Eh? Rodney Nice bunch of blokes weren't they? Del Well, they were diamonds, weren't they? I mean they were absolute forty two carat diamonds. I mean, there we was drinking with them all night, never had to put our hands in our pockets, did we? Rodney sees the camper and runs to it. Del follows. Del What's the matter, Rodders? Rodney, what's happened? What's the matter? Rodney emerges from the back of van. Rodney It's all gone! Del What? Rodney They've nicked everything! Our suitcases, our flight bags, the duty frees, the lot! Del Oh no! I don't believe it! I just do not believe it! I mean, we was only in there half an hour! Well, four hours! I mean... Oh, I mean, what's gonna happen, eh? I mean, how we gonna get home? Rodney Now, Del, don't panic! Del Eh? Rodney (Gesturing to inside pocket) Listen, I took the passports, the flight tickets - I took 'em in there with us. Del Rodney. Oh Rodney - you are a saint, mate, you are a saint! Well done! Where's the money? Rodney I left that in the van. Del You plonker, Rodney! Rodney You told me to leave it! Del Me? Rodney Yes! And you told me to leave the luggage in the back! Del Yeah, well... why didn't you use your own initiative, then, eh? Rodney 'Cos I didn't even wanna go in to that bloody club! Del Yeah, alright, alright then! Calm down, just calm down then will you? Cor, stone me! I don't know... How much money we got then between us? They both search their pockets and produce a few dollars. Del What's that? Rodney counts the combined ammount. Rodney Right - thirty two dollars! Right, now what can we get for thirty two dollars? Del Mugged! Rico, Sal, Pauly, Tony and Lurch exit from the club and approach Del and Rodney. Rico Hey, you guys still here? Let me guess, you decided to come back and have that one for the road! You son... Del No, I wish we had, Rico, I wish we had. No, we're thinking of going to the police! Rico Why? You gotta problem? Rodney Yeah, we've been robber. Pauly You're kidding! Del No, I wish we was, Pauly! I wish we was... Rodney They broke into the van while we were in the club. They've taken everything! Lurch Oh gee, that is just too bad! Rodney Yeah... Rico God, I feel so embarrassed. You've just arrived in this country and this happens! What a welcome. Del Oh don't worry - it's just one of them things, ain't it, son? Tony So what are you guys gonna do? Del I don't know what we're gonna do. I mean, you know, we got no money, we got no clothes, we got no duty frees, we got nothing. Rodney We're just gonna have to go down to the police and get them to sort it out. Rico Oh, save your breath, Rodney. The cops'll do diddly squat! They don't know their ass from first base. But Salvatore here's a lawyer. (To Sal) Maybe you could talk to some of your friends in the DA's office. Sal (Still reluctant) Yeah, first thing in the morning. Del Could you do that, Salvatore? That would be very nice of you, wouldn't it, Rodders, eh? Rodney Yeah. Rico And in the meantime you two guys are coming home with me. EXT. NIGHT. DON OCCHETTI'S MANSION. We see the two sedans containing Del, Rodney, Rico, Sal, Pauly, Tony and Lurch screech past the gates and up towards the house. We see the guards at the gate. Del and Rodney stare in awe at the property. They look at each other in silent disbelief. The car pulls up at the front doors of the house and everyone alights. Rodney Is this your place, Rico? Rico It belongs to my family. Inside his suite, the Don watches them arrive on the security monitor. Del Very nice. Del and Rodney follow Rico across the courtyard, past the swimming pool. Del What line of business you in? Rico We're in... er... insurance. And imports. Del Oh, what imports and exports? Rico No, just imports. INT. NIGHT. THE HALL OF MANSON. Rico leads Del and Rodney in. Gino is in the hall. Rico Well, this is it! Welcome! An intercom rings and Rico answers it. Rico (Into intercom) Yo? Don (Distorted) Rico, I want you up here - fast! Rico I'll be right up. (Replacing receiver. To Del and Rodney) I'll show you to our guest suite. Del (Quietly to Rodney) Guest suite! We've fallen on our feet here, bruv. INT. NIGHT.DON OCCHETTI'S SUITE/STUDY. Don Occhetti is angrily pacing the floor. Rico and Sal enter. Rico You see 'em? Don Yeah, course I saw them and I heard them! What are you doing bringing Australians home, huh? Sal No, they're not Australian. They're a couple of English guys, over here on vacation. We've put 'em in the guest suite. Don Limeys? What are you doing bringing Limeys in to my house? You know that I hate Limeys. Rico We met 'em at the club on Coco Walk. Don Now, wait a minute. What are you doing picking up guys in bars? Huh? What is it with you two? Are you getting light on your feet? Is it too much air in your Nikes, or what? Rico Listen to me, Pop. These two blokes could be the answer to your prayers. One of them is a dead-ringer for you. Even Francisco at the club thought he was serving you. Don Look, I saw them here on the security monitor - I saw no similarity whatsoever. He's much taller than me - he's a thinner guy altogether. Sal No, the other one. Don You mean... you mean the squirty little dude with the polecat face? Sal Yeah. Don Ah, I see, Salvatore, Salvatore, this is your lucky day. 'Cos I'm in a good mood I'm only gonna break one of your legs! And because you're a member of the family, I'm gonna do it slowly! Rico Come on, Pop, it was dark outside - you couldn't see them clearly. Tell him... Rico gestures to Sal. Sal It's true, Don Occhetti, this guy looks just like you. Don You know, last year I went to the zoo and Is saw a camel that looked just like your mother but I didn't invite it home and put it in the guest suite! So, there's a guy who looks like me! What's the big deal? Rico I'll tell you what the big deal is. Imagine this guy dressed up in all your clothes. Don In my clothes! What's the matter with you - are you outta your mind, or what? Rico We dress the Limey up in your clothes and we take him out to eat at a nice restaurant. Now, while he's having lunch, in full public view, somebody blows him away. Rico mimes a gun to head. Sal This is something I do not advise! Rico Everybody will think that the other Families have had you killed! Even the police surveillance team would be a witness. Don't you see what this means, Pop? Don What? Rico (To Sal) Tell him, Sal... Sal In the eyes of America there will be no more Don Occhetti! No more Don Occhetti equals no more trial. No more trials equals no more prison sentence. Rico And while we mourn your passing you sneak off to Rio for a couple of years. Long enough for your plastic surgery to heal and come back as Uncle... Sal Carlo. Rico Carlo from New Jersey and take over the family business. Don Occhetti becomes emotional. Don Rico, sometimes during my life I have doubted that you were my child. Some- times I thought that maybe the hospital had screwed up and given us the baby of a family from Pittsburgh. But I take it all back. You are definitely my son! (Hugging Rico) It's brilliant - It's wonderful! It also means one less Limey in the world. Rico Two, Pop. We're giving his brother a one-way ticket also. INT. NIGHT. DEL AND RODNEY'S SUITE. This is a luxurious twin-bedded room with en suite bathroom. Rodney is alone in the room, seated on the bed, watching TV and pressing the remote control button so we continually get the sound and pictures of various American channels. Rodney is like a kid with a new toy. Del enters from the en suite bathroom. Del Rodney - have you had a butcher's at the bog? It's solid marble, it is, Rodney. None of that stick- on gear that you get down at the DIY. No, this is the real McCoy. Oh, someone up there loves us. Rodney Sssh. I'm up to channel forty-nine. Del Yeah, how many channels are there then? Rodney I don't know, that's what I'm researching. Del Good boy, I always said you should be a scientist. Oh look at this! (Referring to the room) Can't be bad, can it, eh? Look at this! He jumps on the bed. INT. NIGHT. DON OCCHETTI'S SUITE. Don Don't let these Limey's call home. I don't want anybody knowing about this address. Sal Lurch's cutting all the phones, except our business line. Rico So, as far as everyone in jolly old England is concerned, those two guys have vanished off the ace of the earth. Don They can blame it on the Bermuda Triangle! They all laugh. Rico Or the Twilight Zone. There is now uproarious laughter. INT. NIGHT. DEL AND RODNE'S ROOM. Del We have struck gold here, son. Rodney Oh, not many. We'll have to show Rico our gratitude you know. Get him a little present or something. Del Yeah, yeah, we'll do that. We've got no money. Never mind, I'll nip him for a few quid. Oh, blimey! Eh - we'd better phone in to HQ. Raquel'll be going spare! Del picks up the telephone receiver. Del (Cont'd) Oh, the lines' dead. Rodney Well, do that. Rodney rattles the phone's on/off button rapidly. Del Why? Rodney 'Cos, that's the way they do in American films. Del Oh yes. Del rattles the on/off button. Del (Cont'd) No, still dead look. Rico enters carrying a bundle of clothing. Rico is still wiping tears of laughter from his face. Rico There you go, Derek. These are my... er... uncle's clothes, I think they'll fit you, he's about the same size as you. Del Yes, well, thanks. Very nice. Oh er, Rico I don't wanna be a pain, but, Rodney's - he's got nothing to wear. Rico That's okay, we've got a guy works here who's about Rodney's build, he'll lend you some of his clothes. (Picking up intercom) Lurch? Rodney Lurch! Saucy berk! Del Rodney, don't be so ungrateful! Rico (Into intercom) Tell... er... Gino to bring up some of his clothes. (To Rodney) Piece of cake. Del Oh, by the way, the old dog's knackered. Rico What? Rodney The telephone's not working. Rico Oh... Yeah, the telephone. A couple of days ago we had a tropical storm, the whole area's out. Don't worry though, they'll be back soon. Listen, you guys get some sleep because what say tomorrow I take you out to my favourite restaurant? A day on the town. Del Lovely jubbly. Rico (Confused by 'lovely jubbly') ... Yeah. It's a nice little Italian joint. The food is out of this world. Believe me, Del, this place will kill you. (Referring to clothes) Oh by the way, wear this suit and the chains. Rico is holding one of Don Occhetti's thick gold chains. He hands it to Del. Rico (Cont'd) It'll make you look real business like. Del Oh yes, yeah, course. This is very me, this, Rico. 'Cos back home in England I am a yuppy. Ain't I, Rodney? Rodney Er... yeah. Rico That's cool Well, nighty- nite. Del Yeah, nighty-nite. Rodney Night. Rico exits. Del He is such a nice bloke, ain't he? They broke the mould when they made him, you know. Rodney (Now a worry) Yeah! Look, Del, don't think I'm getting paranoid or nothing, but... Well, did you notice them really tough couple of tough looking blokes down by the gate when we drove in? Del Yeah. Rodney And there was that one downstairs an all? Del Well, yeah, so what? Rodney Well... it's most probably ridiculous, but, you don't think that Rico might be... Del What? Rodney A noofter! Del A noofter...! No, he's Italian, ain't he? You can't have an Italian noofter, it's a well known medical fact! Rodney But they're all blokes! Del Well, I know that, that's because he's like... he's a man's man, ain't he, eh? I'll tell you what else he is, Rodney. He's a little gold nugget. Yeah, that's what he is, Rodney. A little gold nugget! EXT. DAY. PECKHAM. THE CHRCH (ST MARK'S). We see Raquel pushing Damien in his pram past the church. She stops and looks in bewilderment to some- thing happening within the church grounds. We cut to show an articulated lorry with Romanian number plates and letting parked in the grounds. The vicar who christened Damien is standing by the lorry and blessing it. The Romanian lorry driver lounges against the lorry cab smoking a cigarette. Vicar In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy spirit, Bless you... Raquel Reverend? Vicar Amen. Raquel. I'm glad I've met you. I was going to phone Derek as soon as the lorry had gone. Raquel Del? But Del's in Miami. Vicar Miami? Oh dear! Raquel Reverend, excuse me for asking, but why are you blessing a Romanian lorry? Vicar I'm not blessing the lorry, it's the contents. Didn't Derek mention it to you? Raquel No, he didn't sa... Just a minute. Has this got some- thing to do with Derek? Vicar Well, yes. He did a time and motion study of the blessing of the wine and came up with the novel idea of doing it en-masse, as it were. Then I distribute it to other churches through- out England. Raquel Oh hell! Oh, I'm sorry. Vicar It's been a real money saver, especially as Del sells it to us so cheap. There's just one rather major problem. It's turned out to be Romanian Riesling. Raquel Romanian Riesling! Vicar Yes. White wine. The communion wine is supposed to be red. It represents the... Raquel (Cutting in) The blood of Christ!