Episode Special - Mother Nature's Son INT. NIGHT. NAG'S HEAD PUB. This, as we shall soon discover, is a dream sequence, although the audience should not be aware of this. The greatest party in the world is taking place in the Nag's Head pub (Could even be a Christmas party - Christmas tree, cards, decorations, etc). Everyone is there. 'Merry Christmas' by Slade is playing loudly. There is so much food, so much booze, so much fun, so much love that everyone in the country should wish they were at this wonderful party. Everyone is smiling, you can hardly see what's happening for glinting teeth. Some people are behaving uncharacteristically. Boycie and Marlene are jiving, Rodney and Cassandra are smooching and kissing quite passionately. At this point Raquel is holding the twenty-two-month-old Damien who wears a T-shirt with his name emblazoned across the front and is holding a helium inflated balloon. With hand-held camera we mingle through the happy crowd. A happy Raquel hands the baby to Del whilst she refills her glass with champagne. Del dances with Damien for a while until, surprisingly, Rodney opens his arms wishing to take Damien. Del hands Damien to Rodney and Rodney continues the dance. Rodney behaves in a very affectionate uncle way to Damien, tickling the child and making him laugh as he dances round the room. Now Rodney comes to the mirror on wall, he looks in mirror and is mystified. We now see from Rodney's POV that Damien is missing from the reflection - it is simply Rodney, with his arm in the pose of holding the child, and a disembodied balloon floating in the air. Away from mirror, Rodney double checks and we see he is still holding Damien. He looks back at mirror and again Damien is missing. Rodney is totally horrified, and opens his mouth to let out a cry. INT. NIGHT.RODNEY AND CASSANDRA'S BEDROOM. Rodney and Cassandra are in bed. Cassandra is fast asleep. From the dream/nightmare Rodney lets out a cry of alarm, there are beads of sweat on his brow. He wakes from the nightmare and sucks in air in rapid breaths. He checks radio/alarm clock. It stands at 6.59am. Rodney (Deeply depressed) Oh, God! Not another day! Rodney lays for awhile, calms himself and regains some of his lost composure. The radio/alarm clock now switches to 7.00am and 'Merry Christmas' by Slade begins playing from radio-alarm. Rodney switches it off quickly. Cassandra (Without opening her eyes) (Mumbles) What's the time? Rodney It's time for us to emigrate or at least discuss the advantages of a suicide pact. Cassandra And how are we feeling this morning? Rodney Great! How else could I feel? I'm thirty one years of age and I work for Trotter's Independent Traders. Cassandra There are lots of people who'd give their right arm to be in your position. Rodney I know, but they're all tucked up safe and sound in their padded-cells. Cassandra Well, at least you seem a bit more cheerful than yesterday. Rodney You should come round to Trotter Towers with me one morning, Cass. It would give Terry Waite the shakes. You can't move for teething rings and Farley rusks and funny smells. It's like nightmare on Sesame Street. Raquel's got post-natal depression, Albert's got post-naval depression and Damien keeps chucking toys at my head. Cassandra Oh you big baby, they're only fluffy dolls. Rodney I know, but Del's bought him a Tonka toy for Christmas. Cassandra How is Del now? Rodney Still putting on a brave face. Laughing and joking his way all the time. He's worrying the life out of me. We haven't bought or sold a thing in months and there he is running round like Ken Dodd on ecstasy. And there's something else bothering him. I've see it in his eyes before. It's either when he's bottling up some terrible secret or he's had a really iffy pork pie... oh, maybe it's just the recession. We're broke and he won't admit it. Cassandra There are a lot of people in the same boat. Rodney You're doing alright. Cassandra And what does that mean? Rodney Well, you've just been promoted at the bank. Don't get me wrong, you worked hard for it and I'm proud of you. What I mean is, you've succeeded, you've made it to the top. Cassandra I'm in charge of small business investment at our Peckham branch, it's hardly the House of Elliot, is it? Rodney At least you've done some- thing. I'm just me. Cassandra (Kisses him on cheek) You'll do for me, big boy. Rodney seems concerned at this potential sexual advance. Rodney I'd better make the coffee. Cassandra No, stay here awhile. You know what I'd like to do? Rodney (Worried) No. Cassandra I'd like us to go away for a weekend. Just you and me, somewhere really nice. I know we can't afford it at the moment, but I get a bonus at the end of the year, so maybe then, eh? Rodney (A tiny glimmer of hope) Yeah? She kisses him. Rodney I'm sorry, Cass. I've been feeling down - a bit pressurised. That's why I've been, you know... a bit lacking in certain areas recently. Cassandra (Massages his neck) I understand. That's why I want us to go away, so you can relax. Is that nice? Rodney (Enjoying the massage) Yeah, that's really good. The bedside phone rings loudly. Rodney (Panicked) Don't answer it! Cassandra Why not? Rodney It'll be Del! Cassandra How d'you know? Rodney It's his ring. Cassandra It's seven in the morning! Rodney That doesn't bother him. Sleep is for wimps, remember? Cassandra It might be mummy! For all we know she could be ill! Rodney still don't answer it! Cassandra Don't be ridiculous! (Answers phone) Hello? Morning, Del. Rodney (Whispers) I left five minutes ago. Cassandra (On phone) No, he left about five minutes ago... mmh... yeah ... I know he's your brother... well, I know that Rodney's worried about you as well... (Now angrily) Look, it happens to a lot of men when they're under stress! Rodney (Under his embarrassed breath) Jeez! I don't believe him! Cassandra (On phone) ... Well aren't you the lucky one!... (Shocked) That's private and personal ... Have I got a what? No I haven't and I wouldn't know where to get one! Rodney (Shouts) Tell him to mind his own bloody business! Rodney reacts as he realises he's been heard. Cassandra (On phone) Oh, Roddy's just popped back! Rodney (Quietly) No I haven't! Cassandra (On phone) Oh, he's left again! Yeah, thanks a lot, Del. Bonj... (Corrects herself) Bye. Cassandra replaces the receiver. Rodney and Cassandra look at each other. Rodney Toast and marmalade? INT. DAY. TROTTERS' LOUNGE. It is 7.00 in the morning. The dirty breakfast crockery, etc, is still on the dining table. Next to table, seated in his high chair and still wearing his jim-jams, is Damien, eating toast and jam. His high-chair tray is littered with soft vinyl toys which he often hurls to the ground or at Rodney or Albert's head. As the scene progresses, due to Damien's uncanny accuracy, Rodney and Albert get whacked on the head by one or two of Damien's toys but they are so accustomed to this they never react. Rodney is seated at table reading one of Damien's Mr Men books. Albert is having a snooze in the armchair. We cut away to Rodney whereupon a green vinyl toy elephant hits him squarely on the back of the head. Rodney takes absolutely no notice - it's as if it hasn't happened. Raquel enters from bedrooms area carrying a basket of washing. Rodney hides the Mr Man book and starts reading the Independent. Raquel Any tea in the pot, Rodney? Rodney feels tea pot but more interested in newspaper article. Rodney Yeah, plenty. Rodney makes no effort to pour her a cup. Raquel Oh good. Raquel awaits - or hopes - for an offer. It is not forthcoming. Raquel (Sarcastically) Would you like me to pour you a cup, Rodney? Rodney (Considers offer) Erm... na, I had breakfast earlier. Anyway, don't you worry about me, Raquel, you've got enough on your hands. Raquel Thank you. Raquel picks up the green elephant and places it back on Damien's tray. Raquel There you are, darling. Raquel exits to kitchen. Slight pause. The green elephant whacks Rodney on the head again. Rodney continues reading newspaper without a blink of an eye. We see the morning mail (One single brown envelope) drop through the letter box. Rodney collects the mail and then places green elephant back on Damien's tray. He now switches radio on which is playing 'Crocodile Rock' by Elton John. The radio wakes Albert. Albert Is that the radio? Rodney No, Elton John popped in, he's rehearsing in the kitchen. It's eight bells in the morning, Albert - what are you doing asleep? Albert (Referring to Damien) That little sod had me awake half the night. Raquel has entered at this point to clear some stuff from the table. Raquel He's teething, Albert. Can't you remember when you had teeth? Rodney He can't remember when he had gums! Raquel exits to kitchen. Albert Any tea in the pot, Rodney? Rodney No, it's empty. Albert Call that music? It's a bloody racket. That's all you youngsters are interested in, noise, noise, noise! Rodney Didn't your generation ever enjoy itself, Albert? Albert When I was your age I was fighting a war! Rodney Well, you must have made more bloody noise than me, then, mustn't you? With a sneer Albert picks up the Daily Mirror and starts reading. A pink, vinyl toy pig hits Albert firmly in the back of the head. He takes absolutely no notice. Del enters from bedroom, all fresh and wearing his Gordon Gekko gear. He switches radio off and then ruffles Damien's hair. Del Wotchyer, soldier. You're a cracker. Can't imagine what this flat would be like without Damien, can you Rodders? Rodney No... little devil. Del You alright, Rodney? Rodney Yeah, t'riffic. Del No, I mean, are you alright, Rodney? Del nods head in that 'you know what I mean' manner. Rodney (Quietly seething) Yes! Everything's alright! Raquel has entered with the baby's breakfast (a bowl of mushy Weetabix). Raquel Why, what's wrong then? Del Nothing, sweetheart! Everything’s cushty between Rodney and Cassandra, ain't it, Rodders? Just a bit of stress, that's all. Can happen to any man, I've just been lucky. Do us a bit of breakfast, sweetheart. Raquel Do you a...! Don't you think I've got enough to do? I've got the baby to feed and clean, I've got the old man of the sea there moaning 'cos his egg was runny, I've got washing and ironing to do, beds to make and hoovering to do. And I finish all that just in time to cook dinner! Do it yourself, Trotter! Albert, you can feed the baby. Raquel hands Albert the bowl and spoon. Raquel exits to bedrooms area. Del I don't know what's wrong with her. I keep asking but she won't tell me. Del exits to kitchen followed by Rodney. INT. DAY. TROTTERS' KITCHEN/LOUNGE. Del and Rodney enter. During speech Del takes bacon from fridge, etc. Del What more does she want? I mean, she's got a nice home, a lovely little baby, and she couldn't ask for a better bloke than me, could she? Rodney No. Del But is she happy? No she is not. I mean, I'm down that casino nearly every night till the early hours of the morning tryin' to win us a few bob. She should see how much I owe 'em then she might realise how hard I've been trying. But she don't seem to appreciate a thing these days. Rodney Del, maybe it is 'these days' that's getting her down. None of us have got any money, there's nothing for her to look forward to. Just a daily round of washing and ironing and toil and boredom. Del Well, we've all gotta take the rough with the smooth, ain't we? And I tell you one thing, bruv, it's gonna get a lot rougher before the year's out. Rodney Righto, Derek, let's have it out in the open. I want the truth this time. Some- thing's happening and I've got a right to know. Del No, everything's alright, Rodders, I mean, we got no money and no business and our future's about as bright as a Yugoslavian tour operator's, but other than that everything's cushty. Rodney No, there's something else, Del. I noticed a little while ago, you've lost that kind of - zip. The old Derek Trotter could smell a fiver in a force nine gale. They used to say if Del Boy fell into a viper's pit he'd come out wearing snakeskin shoes. But you seem to have lost something. It's like you're carrying some burden. Maybe that's affecting Raquel, it's certainly affecting me. Del (Indicates Rodney's groin) Oi, I ain't taking the blame for that thing! Rodney Shuddup! Now if you don't tell me what it is I'll... well, I don't know what I'll do. I just think it's fair I should know. Del Yeah, you're right, Rodders. I could never hide anything from you could I? D'you remember a couple of years ago I applied to the council to buy this flat? Then they ummmed and aahed about it. Rodney I thought they laughed. Del That was the first time. I applied again after that. What with the local elections and strike, everything got held up. Well, I sort of forgot about it. A couple of days ago, right out the blue, the papers finally come through. I own this flat. Rodney Bloody 'ell! Del I've worked it out - the mortgage repayments are two and a half times the rent - and I can't afford that! Rodney And that's what's upset Raquel? Del No, I ain't told her about it yet. Guess what else comes with the flat? D'you remember Grandad's old allotment? Rodney Not that? Del Yeah? No-one's been even near it for yonks. In the last thirty years more people have walked on the moon than that allotment. What the hell do I want with an allotment? It's just my luck, innit? I feel like a mosquito who's caught malaria. Albert now enters, holding bowl and spoon. His beard is covered with the mushy Weetabix. Albert Little sod threw his break- fast all over me! Del (Revolted) Oh my God. Gis the spoon, I'll feed him. Albert Raquel's taken him to have a nap. Del It puts you right off. Rodney There's nothing worse than Weetabix in a beard, is there? Del and Rodney exit to lounge. Del re-enters kitchen with sauce bottle. Albert is eating the sandwich. Del (To Albert) Sauce? Del goes into lounge. Del It's all going down the tube, Rodney. I've gotta get some money from somewhere, bruv. It's getting on top of me. I can feel myself cracking. Rodney Listen to me. There was this guy I used to know a few years back at my evening school. He reminded me of you in many ways. He was a really bright, dynamic, go ahead sort of guy - but like I say, in other ways he reminded me of you. He was the kind who'd take a gamble, wasn't frightened of living on the edge. Well, a couple of years back he found the thing you've always been looking for - a gap in the market. Del A gap in a warehouse door'd suit me at the moment. Rodney Myles was a bit of a friend of the earth. Del Myles? Rodney He liked all that natural food, even grew his own vegetables. Del Well, he certainly sounds the dynamic type. Rodney Don't put it down, it's a massive market, Del, more and more people are turning to health foods for, well, for their health. Anyway, what Myles noticed was; if he wanted to buy a bag of natural fertiliser he had to go to a specialist garden centre or smallholding. Then, if he wanted some organic vegetables he had to go to a health food shop. So he came up with the idea of combining the two entities. One centre where you can buy all your organic fertilizers and your health foods. He now owns four of these places and he's opening a new one next month in Maidenhead. In two and a half years he's become a millionaire! Del A millionaire? Rodney At least. Del is now waiting for the sting. What's in for us Trotters? Del (Optimism and greed) And? Rodney And what? Del Where do we come into it? Rodney Oh. Well, me and Cassy shop there sometimes, she likes all that organic food. Del Yes, I know that! What I'm saying is; what's in it for us? Rodney Well... nothing. Del Nothing? Rodney No. Del So what d'you tell me for? Rodney I was trying to point out that even in these dark days of recession some people are doing well. Del Oh I see! It was just a nice little story? The parable of the lucky git! Yes, well, that has cheered me right up. Oh, I've gotta tell Raquel. Del moves to door to bedrooms area. Del (Calls from door) Raquel, you've gotta come and hear Rodney's story about some mush who's doing really well. Made a couple of million apparently. It's warmed the cockles of my heart, it really has. Anyway, I'm just gonna punch Rodney on the nose then I'm off out. Rodney I wish I'd kept my mouth shut now! Raquel enters from bedrooms area. She is now smiling, it's a menacing driendliness. Raquel Where you going today - darling? Del (Fazed by her attitude) Em... I'm not sure at the moment. I'll mooch about, see if I can make us a bit of poppy. Raquel I've got a much better idea. Why don't you go down and clear up your allotment? Del Allotment? Raquel Mmmh. Raquel produces the brown envelope and takes paper from inside. Raquel (Cont'd) This arrived this morning from the council. It's a summons. Del Yeah? Raquel Mmmh. Apparently people have been dumping rubbish on your allotment! It's now considered to be and environmental health hazard. They're giving you two weeks to clear it up or you've got to appear in court! They even mention the possibility of a custodial sentence. Del Well. There's a thing, ain't it? Raquel Are you gonna tell me what the hell's happening or have I got to starve it out of you? Del Tch, this has spoiled the moment, sweetheart. I was gonna tell you all about it tonight. Raquel Tell me what? Del It'll be much better tonight. Raquel Now! Del Well... this flat. Raquel What about this flat? Del I've bought it! - it's ours! Raquel moves across to Rodney. Rodney nods. Raquel Oh, good! Del I'll get a couple of bottles of champagne, shall I? Raquel Not for me, Derek, I feel light-headed already. Del we own our own home now. This is all ours! We can do what we want with it. Raquel Like what? Add a conserv- atory or a nice patio? Del At least we got a roof over our heads. Raquel And fourteen other families! I'm gonna change the baby's nappy. Raquel exits to bedrooms area. Del (To Rodney) I think she's excited really - you know, inside. Rodney Yeah, you could tell. Del I think she was a bit choked. Rodney Well, who wouldn't be? Del I'll go and calm her down. Del exits to bedrooms area. INT. DAY. TROTTERS' FLAT.HALLWAY/BEDROOMS AREA. Raquel is taking a fresh nappy from a cupboard or some- where. Del enters from lounge. Del Look, sweetheart, I don't blame you for having the rats. The way things are it's enough to give Harry Seacombe the 'ump. But you know me, I'll bounce back, we'll soon have some cash on the hip again. Raquel Is that what you think this is all about, Del? Money? Del Well, what then? Raquel God! Haven't you noticed, Derek that I haven't been out of this flat for months? Del You go shopping three times a week. Raquel I'm not talking about shopping! I mean going out! There's another thing, Del. (Indicates Damien's room) Last year I decorated our baby's room. Del I know, and you made a blinding job of it. Raquel Thank you. You went out and got a piece of carpet. It didn't fit, but... Raquel gives a 'who cares' shrug. Del I'm still on the look-out. Raquel And our baby had his own little room. Warm, cosy, safe. Then three months ago you evicted Damien, moved him in with us and filled his lovely little room up with all your old junk! Del Old junk! That's not old junk. That's my stock. Raquel Your stock, old junk, same thing! Del Raquel, you seem to be for- getting what happened to the rest of my stock. Someone broke into the garage and nicked it. I had to bring the rest of it up here to protect it. Raquel Oh, Del, hasn't it dawned on you yet? All you have in that room is what the thieves left behind! How the hell do you hope to sell it when the burglars wouldn't take it for free? Raquel exits to Damien's room leaving Del pondering her words. INT. DAY. DAMIEN'S BEDROOM. The walls are covered in baby wallpaper but that is about the only sign that this was ever a baby's room. It is now a store room and full of cardboard boxes of various sizes and other bits of junk that Del has been unable to sell. One of the larger boxes has the words: 'Crowning Glory'. This contains the remainder of the wigs that Del bought in the final episode of series 7('Three Nem, A Woman and A Baby').Five or six other large boxes contain the remainder of the 'Romanian Rheisling' which Del sold to the church in 'Miami Twice' A few of the smaller boxes have printed across them: 'Video Classics' Hanging from the picture rail on one wall is a deep-sea divers suit complete with weighted boots and brass helmet. Del enters. From one box Raquel produces a Bros LP. Raquel A hundred and fifty Bros LPs! Del Fashions change so fast in the pop world, I was caught unawares. They could be back in fashion next month. From another box Raquel produces a 'Free Nelson Mandela' T-shirt. Raquel Two hundred and seventy five 'Free Nelson Mandela' T-shirts. Del I bought 'em on a Thursday evening and Saturday morning he was out on parole. I mean, how was I supposed to know? Raquel has opened another box and produced a few Charles and Di commemorative wedding plates and cups. Raquel Charles and Di wedding plates. Del Nothing that a good sorting out couldn't cure. She opens a small jewellery box which contains a man's chunky gold identity bracelet. Raquel A nine carat identity bracelet inscribed with name 'Gary'. We've got a boxful of men's wigs you bought before Damien was born! Fifty pirate versions of The Poseidon Adventure - all on Betamax! 200 litres of Romanian Rheisling. Raquel now gestures to the diver's suit but can find no words to say about it. Raquel Clear it out, Del. Dump it with the rest of the rubbish on your allotment! Just clear the room out and give it back to our baby. Del And what's to say tomorrow I won't find a buyer for all of this stuff? Raquel What are the chances of you bumping into a bald-headed, anti-apartheid, deep-sea diving Bros fan who has a betamax video recorder, likes Romanian Rheisling and whose name's Gary? Del Alright, I'll get shot of it all. Raquel That will cheer me up, Del. Really. I'll be a happy woman again. Promise. She exits. Del (To himself) Wait 'til you see our mortgage! Del looks around sadly at his only stock in the world. Del (A quiet prayer) Dear lord, please let me prove to you that wealth won't spoil me. Rodney and Albert enter. Rodney Raquel said we had to help you clear this room out. Del Yeah, I've decided to get rid of it, have a clean start. Rodney You're not dumping the wine, are you? Couldn't you sell it to Mike at the Nag's Head? Del No I couldn't, Rodney! He's a very good friend. Albert And he's tasted it. (Referring to diver's suit) What d'you buy that thing for? Del It was supposed to be a surprise present for you, so that you could go and have a look at all the ships you sailed on. ...No, I read in one of the colour supplements that diving was all the go with the yuppies. Rodney reacts. Rodney But they meant scub... Del Eh? Rodney Don't matter. Albert Seems a shame to throw it all away. Del I've got nowhere else to store it. I mean, the garage ain't safe anymore. Rodney What about Grandad's shed? Del What shed? Rodney The one on his allotment. Well, your allotment now. Del Yeah. I forgot he had a shed! We'll pug it away in there. Good thinking, Rodney. Come on then. You two bring all this stuff down and I'll go open the van door. Del exits. Rodney and Albert look at each other. EXT. DAY. THE ALLOTMENT. We see a large expanse of average to shabby council-run allotments. The three-wheeled van and the green Capri are parked close-by, both packed with boxes, etc, from Damien's room. We now zoom in to the allotments and find Del, standing in the furthest, most overgrown allotment of them all. At the back of the allotment we see a dilapidated old shed. Dumped in amongst the grass and weeds are parts of a car's engine, the rusted front wing of a car, few old wooden crates, piles of rocks and masonry and four large aging and rusting industrial drums(the sort of thing that could contain chemicals.) We find Del and Rodney standing in grass and weeds which reach almost up to their chins. Del appears stunned. Rodney Well, what d'you reckon then? Del What do I reckon? The last time I saw anything like this was in that film Gorillas in the mist. It's a jungle! Tod knows what lives in here. Albert suddenly appears from out of nowhere. Albert Del! Del (Jumps with fear) Gordon Bennett! Don't do that, Albert! You nearly gave me a connery then! (To Rodney) I could have sworn I saw the blowpipe and poison dart. Albert You seen all that rubbish that's been dumped over here? They move off. Del Dear oh dear. This is ruin- ing my shoes, you know. (Referring to the drums) Look at all this stuff. What're those drums doing here? Rodney Dunno, but they’re full. I wonder what's in 'em? One of the drums is lying on its side and some of the liquid has leaked out. It is a bright yellow liquid. Albert There's one open here. Some sort of yellow stuff. Rodney peers in and then reels away from the acrid odour. Rodney Blimey! Smell that! Del (Sniffs) What is that? Rodney I don't know, but it could be toxic. Del It could be bloody poisonous an' all! Rodney Yeah. Del wanders off towards the shed. He opens the shed door and surveys the inside. His eyes finally move to the shed floor. He sees something on the floor that revolts him. Del Eeuurgh, the dirty, rotten filth... Rodney! Del exits shed. Del I tell you what we'll do. Me and Albert'll get the gear from the van, Rodney, you clear the shed out. Rodney Righto. At this point we see Trigger approaching with his dust cart and broom. He wears a 'Peckham cleansing depart- ment' donkey jacket. Trigger Del boy, Dave. Del Alright, Trig? Don't fancy sweeping all this stuff up for us, do you? Trigger I'm not a road sweeper any- more. Rodney No? What are you now, a piano tuner? Trigger I'm an environmental hygienist. Albert And what do they do when they're at home? Trigger Well, sweep the roads. But the council have upgraded me. Albert (Referring to the spilt liquid) Perhaps Trigger knows what this is. It's his game, ain't it? Del Oh, Albert! Trigger can't find his way out of a telephone box. Albert He may have come across it on his rounds. Have a look, Trig. Trigger peers into one of the drums with the eye of an expert. Trigger It's some sort of yellow stuff. Del Bloody 'ell, you were right, Albert. He got it spot on. Rodney No hesitation either, was there? You've gotta get rid of this stuff and fast. This is the environmental health hazard the council are talking about. Del How d'you know? I mean look, there's a lot of old crap round here. Albert They're just rocks and lumps of metal. You can cut your finger or scratch your knee, but this stuff - who knows what it is. Del We'll pour it down the drain then. Rodney You can't pour it into the public sewers, it could be volatile, you could end up with sh - we could create a disaster area. I tell you one thing, Del Boy, either these things go away or you do! Del Where am I gonna get rid of them? Trigger There's a 24 hour waste disposal depot down Stamford Road. Drop 'em off down there. Del That's a good idea, Trig. We'll get these barrels in the back of the van, won't we, Rodney? Rodney No. Del Well how are we gonna get rid of them then? We now hear the blast of a van's horn. We see Denzil momentarily in his 'Transworld Courier Service' transit. Cut to see Del's reaction. Cut to Denzil driving along in his van. Denzil Oi! Del Boy! Back to our group. See idea form in Del's brain. Del/Albert/Rodney Denzil. EXT. NIGHT. THE ALLOTMENTS. Denzil's van is parked close by with the back doors open. Del, Trigger and Denzil, dressed in their everyday clothes, are studying the barrels. Denzil appears very dubious. Del (Cheerfully) Righto. Come on then, Denzil. Let's get these barrels on the back of your van, Denzil. Trig immediately takes hold of barrel and prepares to lift. Denzil Hey hang on, hang on, not so fast! What are these things? Trigger They're barrels! Denzil I can see they're barrels! I mean, what's in 'em? Del Nothing to worry about, just some gunge. Denzil Gunge? What sort of gunge? Del What d'you mean, what sort of gunge? Gunge is gunge, innit? Denzil No, it isn't! There's harmless gunge, the sort you can give kids for Christmas and they make models out of - and then there's killer gunge! One sniff and you're down the co-op collecting your divi's! Del This is not killer gunge! What sort of bloke d'you think I am? Denzil This could be anything, Trig! For all we know this could be... Well, this could be bloody Concorde fuel! Del No, honest, it's not Concorde fuel, it's anti- freeze from the Starship Enterprise! Bloody Concorde fuel! (Moving to shed) It'll be battery acid for Thunderbird Three next! You wally! Look, d'you want the contract or not? I'm a busy man, I've got things to do. Del enters the shed which is dimly lit by a small gas lamp. Denzil How can you be certain this stuff isn't dangerous? Del (Emerges) Because it's not - and that's the truth! Del goes back inside shed. Trigger (To Denzil) There you are, you've heard it from the horse's mouth. Now, you get that end... Denzil (Cuts in) What d'you mean, I've heard it from the horse's mouth? That's Derek Trotter in there, not bloody Einstein! Trigger Del knows what he's talk- ing about! and I don't see what the Beatles manager's got to do with it anyway! Denzil Look, Trig... What? Trigger When we was at school Del Boy was the best in our class at chemistry. He used to sell home-made fireworks. He even blew the science lab up once. Denzil I remember, I was doing detention in there at the time! Trigger And you say he don't know what he's talking about! Del (OOV) Denzil, believe me it's harmless - and to prove it I'm gonna help you carry it. I can't say fairer than that, can I? Denzil unscrews the lid of one barrel and smells the contents. Denzil (Reacts to acidic smell) Jeez!! It doesn't smell harmless! Del (OOV - shed) Nor does my Uncle Albert but he wouldn't hurt a fly. Look, trust me, will you? I am your friend! You know it makes sense. Trigger They can't be dangerous, Denzil. Denzil But how do you know? Trigger Because Del has offered to help us carry 'em! Denzil Yeah, but... (Finally concedes the point) Yeah, okay, Trig, I suppose you've got a point. (Calls to shed) You gonna help us lift these barrels onto the van, then? Del (OOV - shed) Just coming. Del now exits from shed wearing the deep sea diver's suit (complete with brass helmet) we had seen earlier hanging in the lock-up. Denzil reacts to the vision. After a cursory glance, Trigger doesn't appear that surprised. Denzil just stares at Del. Del Come on, Denzil, we ain't got all night! They just stare at him. Del That's the way. Lovely Jubbly. EXT. NIGHT. COUNCIL TIP. The tip is protected by a chain-link fence and gates. A sign is revealed in the headlights of Denzil's van. Sign reads: 'Peckham Borough Council Environmental Waste Processing Plant.' The van - with Denzil driving, Trigger seated next to passenger door and Del (still wearing the full diver's uniform) seated in between them - pulls to a halt. We see that the gates are locked and the plant is closed and in complete darkness. Denzil It's closed! Trigger (Checks watch) Well, it's a bit late, innit? Del What d'you mean 'a bit late?' You said it was open twenty four hours a day! Trigger Yeah, but not at night! Denzil and Del look at each other. A man, out walking his dog, passes by in front of the van. We see his reaction as he spots a man in diver's suit sitting in the front of a transit van. Denzil So what do we do now? We've got six thousand gallons of - something in the back of my van! Trigger We could take it to the other council place I used to work at! Del Is it open? Trigger No. Denzil (Screaming in frustration) Well, what's the point in taking it to your depot if that's not open either? Trigger It soon will be open - I've got a spare set of keys. (Produces bunch of keys) Denzil You sure it'll be alright? Del Who cares? Trigger Yeah, no problems. Back up, you're alright behind, Denzil. Denzil I mean, is it legal? Del Yes! Now back up, Denzil! I'm getting bloody hot in here. I don't see what the fascination is in this diving lark. EXT. NIGHT. NAG'S HEAD CAR PARK. We see the diver's suit laying on the passenger seat of Del's Capri. Del, Trigger and Denzil exit from pub. Del (To Denzil) Here you are then. Now ain't you glad you listened to me? These are austere times, Denzil, and if it hadn't been for my persuasion you'd have turned a contract down tonight. Denzil Yeah, I suppose you're right. Del No suppose about it. Right, that's fifty quid I owe you. Denzil You owe me? Del Yes! I'm not having you do this for me as a favour, no matter how much you'd like to. Denzil Yeah, but I thought... Del You can't persuade me, Denzil, so don't waste your breath. I'll see you for the money - and no argument! (To Trig, referring to Denzil) He'd do anything for anyone wouldn't he? Trigger That's what mates are all about, innit. Del Course it is. Gets you right there sometimes. Your name's in me book, Denzil, I won't forget tonight. Denzil Same here! Denzil and Trigger move towards Denzil's van. Del Thanks for everything, lads. See you Denzil. Denzil turns and raises his hand, the palm of which glows an eerie radio-active yellow. Denzil See you, Del. Del (Notices the glow. Calls to Trigger) See you, Trig. Trigger turns and raises his hand, the palm of which glows an eerie radioactive yellow. Trigger See you. Del is the only one to notice this. He is slightly bemused by the strange sight but just shrugs it off as an optical illusion. He climbs into Capri. EXT. DAY. THE GARDEN AND ORGANIC FOOD CENTRE. The sign above the centre's main doors reads: 'Nature's Way'. We see the van pull into the parking area. Rodney is driving, Del is reading the Financial Times and so doesn't realise where they are. Del What's this? Rodney Oh, d'you remember that bloke I told you about? Myles. Del (Jealousy showing) What, the one who's done really well, a millionaire in two and a half poxy years? Rodney Yeah. Well, this is one of his places. Del So what we doing here? Rodney has produced a small slip of paper. Rodney Well, Cassy asked me to pop in there and get a bit of shopping. Del Shopping? Rodney For dinner tonight. Del Oi! What's the point in getting married and then doing the bloody shopping yourself? No wonder you've got... problems. Rodney Oi! You just keep your nose out of my business! Alright? Del I tell you something. I bet I know what Cassandra's thinking when you're laying under the duvet at night. Rodney Yeah? Del I bet she's thinking, 'I wonder how many tangerines Rodney could get for a pound.' Rodney You keep on like that, Derek, and you'll be sorry! INT. DAY. NATURE'S WAY. To one side we see bags of natural fertilizers, peat and mulch, etc, plus gardening tools and equipment. To the other side lies the organic foods centre which is like a small self-service mart. The shelves are filled with pre-weighed and packed vegetables and fruit, etc. There is also a vast range of natural fruit and health drinks plus a massive display of mineral waters from Britain and the continent. Signs everywhere tell of the fresh, organic and natural emphasis of the establishment. Del and Rodney enter the food department with Rodney checking his shopping list. Del (Too loud for Rodney's liking) Cor, don't half pen and ink in here, dunnit? Rodney Ssshh! It's all the fertil- izers and manu... and other things. Every single item in here has been grown the way nature intended. Del Oh yeah? It must be nice for you and Cassandra to sit down to dinner knowing that everything on your plate was once under a pile of horseshit. Rodney I'll get my shopping then we'll be off. Del Oh good. Del follows Rodney around the store. Rodney places a bag of potatoes in his trolley. Del Look at the price of these spuds! Rodney You pay extra because they're organic. I tell you, there are no E120 additives in these foods. Del No E120's? Before you met Cassandra you thought an E120 was a bus. What's this, sprout tops? Twenty- eight pence a pound? Look at these carrots. I mean, it's... Rodney places two litres of mineral water in trolley. Del Sixty five pence for a bottle of water? Rodney Will you mind your own business! Del studies all the other brands of mineral water. Not being a regular shopper, he is astounded at the price labels. Del (Another bottle) Why don't you have this one then, it's only seventy-two pence a bottle... their money on nowadays? Rodney Yes, it's one of the few remaining growth industries. Del (A plan is obviously brewing) Is it really? Rodney's attention is drawn by the sound of Myles's voice. Myles Rodney! Rodney Myles! Del (To another customer) Black eye beans? We cut away to find Myles. Myles is 31 and an earnest person in a corduroy kind of way. He is a friend of the earth and a successful businessman - a cross between Richard Branson and David Bellamy. He wears a sports coat with leather elbow patches and sports a 'save the whales' badge. Myles can adopt a superior attitude with those he considers to be his inferiors. Rodney Hey, Myles, how you doing? Myles Pretty good. Yourself? Rodney Fine. Oh, by the way - Myles, this is my brother, Derek - Del, this is Myles. Del Nice to meet you, son. Myles (Barely looking at Del) You too. (Referring to his shop) So, what d'you think? Rodney In one word 'impressed'. Del In one word 'bloody expensive'. Myles Expensive? Del Look at the price of the spuds and carrots and your brussel sprout tops, twenty-eight pence a pound! Water, seventy-two pence a bottle. Myles That water happens to come from the most natural sources in Britain - and France and Switzerland and Italy, I might add. I'm a founder member of the SWANS committee. Del (Genuinely confused) SWANS? What, you mean the big white duck things? Myles looks to Rodney. Rodney No, Del. It's an acronym. Del Oh well, that's what I thought. I was just about to say that's an anacronym. You can bet your life. I'd have put money on it. Myles And you'd have been right. Del What d'you fee 'em on? Myles What do I feed what on? Del Your acronyms. Rodney No, no. It's not a duck or a goose or anything. An acronym is a word made up of the initials of another set of words. Del Oh that sort of acronym? Myles Gotta rush, Rodney. It's been, er... It's been real. Myles exits. Rodney Big bloody ducks! Del You what? Rodney SWANS are the initials of the Spa Water and Natural Springs committee and Myles is the vice- president... he's the one who hands out the certificates of purity. Without his signature none of these companies can sell their goods. I can't help but admire him. I tell you, that bloke is going places. Del Yeah, well, with a name like Myles he's bound to. Rodney (Remembering) Cabbage. Rodney moves off to finish his shopping. Del stares back at the shelves of potatoes, water and carrots. We're not sure exactly which one has drawn his interest. EXT. DAY. THE ALLOTMENT. The part of the allotment we can actually see is now cleared of the rubbish that had been dumped there, including the rocks and rubble and, obviously, the drums of gunge. The long grass and weeds, except for a couple of thick bushes, have been cut down and part of the ground has been dug-over. The green Capri is parked close by. We see Del and Albert sitting in deck chairs close to the shed. They are both wearing wellies and gardening gear and look like a couple of extras from Emmerdale Farm. Del's Dan archer image is ruined slightly by his aluminium Arnie Becker Briefcase. Albert is cleaning out and sucking on his old pipe as if preparing it for filling. He keeps the pipe in evidence. Albert It just show you what a little bit of hard work can achieve. Del Yep. Gives you a sort of warm feeling, don't it? I mean, what's a few aching muscles and blisters on the hands compared with this vision in front of us. Albert I know what you mean, Del. Del (Looks at watch) Oh, look at that. It's twelve o'clock. (Calls of camera) Oi, you two. We see Trigger and Denzil. One of them is holding a garden fork, the other a shovel. They are both dirty and sweating. Del You go an' get a bite to eat, you deserve it, you've worked hard. Trigger and Denzil walk towards Del and Albert. Trigger See you in an hour, Del Boy. Del No hurry, Trig. Denzil We're never gonna get this finished today, you know. Del There's always tomorrow, Denzil, that's my motto. I'll see you in an hour. Denzil and Trigger move off towards Denzil's van. Now the three wheeled van screeches to a halt and an irate Rodney alights and approaches Del and Albert. Trigger (To Rodney) Dave! Rodney What's your bloody game, Del? Del Something wrong, bruv? Rodney Myles has just phoned the flat. He wanted to confirm his appointment with you. Del Oh good, he's on his way then. Rodney What are you playing at, Del? Del After our visit to Myles' place last week something happened to me, Rodney. It was like a blinding flash of light - like St. Paul on the road to Tabascus. I went green, Rodney. I realised that what I had here was not just an allotment - it was God's good earth in which I could grow vegetables and ... things. These rough hands are gonna feed my woman and child. I'm a born-again gardener, Rodders. Rodney But you've never done gardening in all your life. Del Well, it's been a bit difficult, innit living on the twelfth floor of a tower block? But now I've got a chance. Rodney But, Del, to you a King Edward is something you smoke. (Referring to Albert) And the only thing he's ever grown is a beard! You don't know anything about gardening. Del No, but I know a man who does. That's why I gave good old Myles a bell. He didn't seem to mind. Rodney Well ... No, I suppose not. I mean, it's in his interest, ain't it? He could sell you some of his fertilizer and what 'ave you. Del Exactly. He helps me, I help him, 'conseil d'etat' as they say in Grenobles. Hold up, here he comes now. We see Myles' car, a Citroen 2CV, approaching. Rodney moves away to greet Myles. Del Ship ahoy, Albert. Now you know what you've gotta do and say, don't you? Albert Leave it to me, son. Del Don't go overboard! Nice and easy, alright? Off you go then. Myles alights from his car and studies the allotment with a somewhat confused expression. Del Myles, nice to see you again. Beautiful day for sowing a turnip, eh? Myles (Referring to the allotment) Is this it? Del Well... yes! Myles You told me you had 'land!' You were even talking about leaving one area to lay fallow. Rodney