Series 7 - Episode 2 - Rodney Come Home INT. DAY. AN ARNDALE CENTRE. We hear Del and Albert (00V). Albert This is no life for an old war hero. Del (Couldn't give a toss) No, I know. Albert I fought for this country. Del Yeah? How did you get on? Albert I wish Rodney was still working with you. Del I never thought I'd hear myself say it, but so do I. Listen to me Albert, I don't ask much of you, do I? Cook a little bit of grub. Sweep up my apartment and occasionally, just occasionally, act as my lookout. Albert It's alright for you. I ain't had no lunch and your suitcase is giving me backache. Del I ain't had no lunch either and your moaning's giving me heartache. Now shut up and get over there. We see Del and Albert coming up the escalator, inside the shopping mall. Del is wearing his green trenchcoat, and has the suitcase by his side. Albert is wearing his duffle coat. Albert What are we waiting for? Del What do you mean? I'll tell you what we're waiting for. The security people change shifts at midday and the new lot always start on the top floor. Now come on, come on. Let's go. They move off. Albert What you got in that suitcase, then? Hooky gear? Del (Deeply offended) How dare you! I don't deal in that sort of stuff - least not since Raquel's been with me - I can't get her involved in anything like that. Albert So what you worried about? Del I am an unlicensed trader. Many moons ago I had an unfortunate misunder- standing with a magistrate who took the law into his own hands and banned every council in London from issuing me with a licence. So I've gotta flog where and when I can. Albert Well can I go an' get something to eat? Del No you can't, you're my lookout! Anyway, Raquel's making us something when we get back later. Albert But I'm hungry now! Del (Hands him a fiver) Go on then, go an' get us a couple of hamburgers. Albert I'm taking no chances. Say I caught mad cow disease! Del Don't worry about that! I mean, who the hell would notice? Albert reacts. INT. DAY RODNEY'S OFFICE. Rodney is seated at his desk punching something out on his computer keyboard. He leans back in his chair and rubs his stomach as he suffers hunger pains. He opens his briefcase, produces a paper bag and pulls out a couple of limp sandwiches. He looks at the sad sandwiches and then throws them in the bin. He looks out through the glass partition to where his secretary, Michelle, is seated. He presses button on his intercom. We cut to Michelle's desk. We hear the intercom buzz. We now see Michelle is wearing walkman headphones and is listening to music as she busily files her long nails. The intercom buzzes again. Finally, through the glass partition we see Rodney leave his desk, exit from office and approach Michelle. Rodney Michell... Michelle! (He switches the walkman off) Are you going to the hamburger bar in the precinct during your lunch hour? Michell No. Rodney You're new here and I don't think you've caught the gist of my question. You see, I'm the head of the computer section and you are the secretary to the head of the computer section. And when the head of the computer section asks the secretary to the head of the computer section whether she's going to the hamburger bar in the precinct, the head of the computer section means, 'Go to the hamburger bar in the precinct because the head of the computer section is starving bloody hungry!' Michelle You want me to go to the hamburger bar? Rodney If it's not too much trouble. I'd like the juiciest, greasiest hamburger they have on offer. Michelle But you've got Mr Coleman from Classic curtains coming to see you in a little while. Rodney Yes, I know. That's why I can't get out to lunch and need something bringing in. Michelle No, what I'm trying to say is, do you want to invite Mr Coleman, an important client, into an office that stinks to high heaven of fried onions and grease? Rodney's mouth attempts an answer but his brain stops it. Rodney Michelle, it's my office... Thank you very much, Michelle. You carry on with what you were doing. (Indicating her long nails) They look very nice. You'd make Freddy Kruger dead jealous. Rodney moves to the window. Rodney looks from is window and reacts. From his POV we see Raquel approach and stop at a bus stop which is close to the office window. She carries two heavy bags of groceries. Rodney opens the window and calls. Rodney Raquel! How you doing? Raquel Hi, Rodney! Rodney D'you fancy a coffee? Raquel (She indicates groceries) I've got to get this stuff home. Rodney Come in, I'll get one of the drivers to give you a lift. Raquel You sure? Rodney Of course. I'll put the kettle on. Rodney pulls window to and then mumbles to himself. Rodney (Cont'd) She's got bags of food! I'll mug her. INT. DAY. ARNDALE CENTRE. We come up on Del biting into a big greasy hamburger. Albert is seated next to him, just finishing his hamburger. Albert You ready then? Del No, no, no, not yet! Selling is all about timing. You ever seen one of them nature programmes on the BBC, with Richard Attenborough, where a lion is lying in the undergrowth, watching a flock of antelopes? Well they... Cut to shot of hundreds of shoppers passing through the centre. Del ...they are my antelopes. And just like the lion, I know when the time is right. I instinctively know when the optimum moment arrives and only then, will I strike. Albert (Nods understand- ingly) Yeah... During the war... Del cuts straight in. Throwing hamburger in litter bin. Del Right, here we go then! You get to your lookout position over there. Albert And what d'you want me to do? Del What d'you mean, 'What do I want you to do? I want you to get over there in your lookout position and lookout! Albert I meant, if I see the security blokes coming what shall I say? Del I don't particularly care. Shout, 'there she blows, ship ahoy, man overboard' for all I care. As long as I don't get my collar felt. Blimey, this 'hands-on management' gives me the right 'ump sometimes! (Indicating case) Here, get that up here. Look, we should do well with this stuff. They'll be falling over themselves to get their hands on this top quality gear. Del opens his suitcase. We see it is filled with seven or eight children's dolls. Albert moves to his lookout position. INT. DAY. RODNEY'S OFFICE. Raquel is seated at desk, drinking coffee. Rodney is talking on phone. Rodney (On phone) Yeah, thanks a lot. She's just finishing her coffee. Give us ten minutes. (Replaces receiver) Your van awaits. Raquel Oh thanks. Rodney So you and Del are still coming round for dinner next week? Raquel So long as it's still alright with you and Cassandra. Rodney Oh yeah, we're looking forward to it. Sorry it's taken so long to invite you. We kept meaning to pop in and say hello. Del phoned me to say you were back in town and liv... liv... em... st ... staying at the flat with him... and Albert. When'd you get back? Raquel A couple of weeks ago. I was over in America, having a great time when suddenly I thought... Rodney (Cuts in) Hold on a minute, you were in America? Raquel Didn't Del say? Rodney No. Raquel Oh it was wonderful. We were doing this tour of My Fair Lady down the East coast. I was the flower-seller. Rodney (Hides his smile) Cosmic! Raquel Yeah, alright - it was very cheap and cheerful but I was seeing the world and getting paid. We did Atlantic City, Miami, New Orleans. Then suddenly I get this sort of urge to come home. All the references to Del are said in jokey but loving way. Rodney What, to Del? Raquel Yes, to Del. Rodney I wouldn't come home from New Orleans to see Del! I wouldn't come home from the New Forest to see Del! Raquel Oh, you don't see him the way I do. He's lovely. Rodney There are many words I could use to describe Derek Trotter but lovely is not one of them... How's the old sod keeping? Raquel He's fine. He seems - I don't know - quieter then when I first met him. Rodney Del? Raquel, some years ago Del joined a monastery and took a vow of loudness! Raquel Oh that's not fair. He has changed. He's not so loud and brash as he used to be. INT. DAY. ARNDALE CENTRE. We come up on Del who is holding up a child's doll and spieling as he demonstrates its various functions. Del (Loud and brash) Right. Gather round. You all know me, ladies, the crusader against inflation, here to offer you yet another bargain of a life- time! These beautifully manufactured little toys retail around the thirty- six quid mark up Oxford Street, but you all know my motto: 'West End goods at Southend prices'. Now normally I'd ask you ten pounds for one of these exquisite, little toys, and you'd tear me arm off at the elbow to get it - but I'm not asking ten pounds, I'm not asking eight pounds! Seeing as I'm in a festive mood I'm letting 'em go at the rock-bottom, never to be repeated price of seven pounds fifty. Give the chavvies a Christmas to remember. This is none of your foreign junk, these are hand-made in Britain and recognised by the toy industry as being the most life-like dolls ever seen. (Feeds doll with tiny bottle and teat) They are so life-like they drink from a bottle, the wet themselves, they speak, they cry and if you keep 'em 'til they're thirteen the break out in acne and wanna go to Bros concerts! Would I lie to you? I'll tell you another feature of this doll. They even sing themselves to sleep with a bedtime lullaby. Listen. Del presses an unseen button on doll's back. We now hear one of those robotic voice-boxes. It sounds like a small child singing a Chinese lullaby. Del reacts to the Chinese lullaby - this is something he hadn't reckoned on. We see some of the women laughing and turning away from Del. Del switches doll off. Thinking on his feet. Del And they can help your child learn a foreign language. Very important with 1992 approaching! (Desperate as the crowd disperses) Alright, a fiver! Come on, gimme a fiver! (To the doll) Big mouth! INT. DAY. RODNEY'S OFFICE. Rodney and Raquel continue their conversation and coffee. Raquel (Half-laughing at Del's problems) He's having a lot of trouble with the exhaust pipe on the van. It's got a hole in it. Rodney Oh that's a shame. The exhaust was the only decent thing on it. They laugh at this. Raquel So how are things with you and Cassandra? Rodney (His laughter dies. Now on his guard) How d'you mean? Raquel I mean are you both well? Rodney Oh, yeah, great! Raquel Is Cassandra still studying hard for promotion? Rodney Yes - she's still a very ambitious lady. Raquel So married life suits you? Rodney Yep... Come on then, what's Del been saying? Raquel He hasn't said anything, honest! Well, alright, he mentioned that you'd had a couple of rows. Once when you upset Cassandra's boss and his wife. Rodney That was nothing! It was a misunderstanding, that's all. Three minutes after it happened we were all laughing at it! Raquel Del said she chucked you out. Rodney Only for a couple of days. Raquel Then another time Cassandra went back to her parents. Rodney Yes. But that was nothing either! We're happy. Raquel That's what I wanted to say to you. I know it's none of my business, Rodney - it's just that I've had a marriage break up and I know how these things can start. A lot of people think a marriage comes complete with gift-wrapping. But it doesn't - it comes in kit-form - you've got to work at it. Before Rodney can answer Alan enters brandishing a file of papers. Alan Excuse me, Rodney, I've just noticed we're doing more of this cheap printing for Del! We are not running a charity organisation. (Notices Raquel) Excuse me... Rodney No, no, Alan. Let me introduce you. Raquel, this is Alan, my boss and father -in-law... He's Cassy's Dad. Raquel Yeah, I figured that out, Rodney. Rodney Yeah, of course. Alan, this is Raquel. Her and Del liv... her and Del... her and Del are friends. Alan Yes, he's told me all about you. You're and actress, aren't you? Raquel Well, some people say that, others tell the truth. Alan Oh come on, Del speaks very highly of your talents. We'll have to go out to dinner one night - all of us. Raquel Look forward to it. Alan So do I. You'll have to excuse me, I've got to meet someone for lunch. (To Rodney) We're going to that new Chinese place down by the arches, they say the food's out of this world. Rodney (His stomach rumbling) Good! Alan (Pats the file he has just brought in) Just keep a closer eye on... 'things'. Rodney. This cheap-printing is very good for some people - unfortun- ately it's not for us! See you again, Raquel. Raquel Yes, bye. Alan exits. Raquel I'd better be going too. INT. DAY. PRINT WORKS. Raquel Why don't you pop in on your way home from work this evening? Del hasn't seen you for ages. I'm doing roast chicken, jacket potatoes, and all the trimmings, there'll be plenty there if you're peckish. Rodney (Tempted) Na. I'll take a raincheck on it. I've just got my timings and route figured out to avoid the traffic jam on the one-way system. Some other time, eh? The driver's waiting for you outside. Raquel Okay. Give my love to Cassy. Bye. Raquel exits. Rodney (Mumbles) Roast chicken and all the trimmings! INT. DAY. RODNEY'S OFFICE. Rodney plunges into the bin and retrieves on of his dis- carded sandwiches. We see the sandwich is dotted and smeared with various coloured inks. There is a clean section at the top. Rodney gingerly bites into the clean section. At this very moment Michelle opens the door and enters, followed by a businessman. Michelle It's Mr Coleman from Classic Curt... Michelle and Mr Coleman react to Rodney and the sandwich. Rodney sheepishly throws the sandwich in bin. Rodney gives as much confidence as he can muster in the circumstances. Rodney Hi. INT. NIGHT. RODNEY AND CASSANDRA'S LOUNGE/KITCHEN. This is five hours later. Music is coming from the record -player. Cassandra exits from the bedroom. She is wearing casual clothes. She carries a sports bag which has the head of a badminton racquet sticking out of it. She places the bag on the settee and goes to record player. She removes record and places it in LP cover. (We see the LP cover and the name - Fergal Sharkey) Rodney enters from front door. Rodney Hi-ee. Cassandra Hi... (They kiss) You're late this evening. Rodney Yeah, I got stuck in traffic jam on the one-way system. (Removing overcoat and sniffing air) That smells good. I'm starving. Cassandra I just did myself one of those ready-made meals in the microwave. Rodney is uncertain whether this means she hasn't cooked for him. Rodney Oh! Well, I'm starving. Rodney exits to kitchen. Rodney enters and pulls down door on eye-level oven. It is dark and empty inside. Cassandra (Calls OOV) There's plenty in the freezer. Rodney Good! (Pointedly) What a very clean oven we've got! Cassandra (OOV, hasn't quite heard) Sorry? Rodney I was just remarking how amazingly clean one can keep these modern ovens! (Mumbles to himself) Especially when one never bloody cooks in it! Rodney exits. Rodney enters from kitchen and reacts as he sees Cassandra buttoning or zipping up her coat. Rodney You off out somewhere? Cassandra Yeah. Rodney (Quietly) Good, it'll make a nice change for you. So what's it tonight? The bank's final exams? The bank's annual wine and cheese orgy. The bank's yoga and target practise course? Cassandra I'm playing badminton! Rodney Oh, I see. Where? Cassandra The bank's sports club. Rodney Great. You go an' enjoy yourself, Cassandra. I've got a busy evening ahead as well. I'm gonna sit in and read the bank's pamphlet on our joint pension policy! Cassandra Oh, God! Here we go again! Alright, what's wrong this time? Rodney With me? What could possibly be wrong with me? Cassandra If you don't stop being so childish, I swear one of these days I'll smother you with your comfort blanket! Rodney Me - childish? You're the one who's got to start growing up a bit, Cassandra! When are you gonna realise that you've got a marriage - you've got a home - and you've got me! Cassandra Oh, I never forget that, Roddy! Rodney I never see you. You just use this flat like a base -camp! You zoom in and out of here like a blue- bottle with the runs! I've had double-glazing salesmen spend more time in here than you! Cassandra Well, whatever turns you on! Rodney And what's that supposed to mean? Cassandra Look, Rodney, I like to keep myself occupied! Rodney But you're always out - on your own! Cassandra Because you never want to go anywhere with me! I've asked you before to come to badminton but you always refuse. Rodney Because I don't relish the idea of spending an entire evening whacking a dead budgie over a net! Besides, all our social occasions are in some way tied up with the bank! Cassandra You resent me pursuing a career, don't you? Rodney No, I admire anyone who tries to advance them- selves. But your ideas on advancement come straight out of Rommel's 'A Thousand and One Things Every Good Panzer General Should Know'! It's relentless! It's Blitzkrieg! Cassandra Roddy, I am not trying to advance my career. I am still trying to make up lost ground! You of all people should know that! Rodney I have in some way interrupted Operation Cassandra? And what exactly is it I'm supposed to have done? Cassandra Oh, it's just little things. Like that day my boss, Stephen, and his wife came round here and you punched him in the face! Rodney Oh, we're still on about that, are we? Cassandra You broke his nose! Rodney Broke it! I didn't break it! Alright, a tiny, hairline fracture, that's all! Anyway, it was a long time ago and I've apologised a thousand times for it. Cassandra I know you have and I'm perfectly willing to be understanding - as long as you are. Rodney How can I put this, Cass? This seems a ridiculous thing for a husband to say to his wife, but I'd like to see more of you. The only time we're really together is when we're lying in bed. Cassandra With our backs to each other! Rodney That's only because you turn your back on me! Cassandra You started it! Rodney Did not! And why is it whenever we have a dinner party we always invite your family or your friends? Cassandra We invite your friends as well! Rodney Name me one occasion, just one, when my friends have been round here? Cassandra Last month Mickey Pearce and Jevon and their girlfriends came round for the evening. Rodney I apologised for that. Cassandra And next week you've invited your brother and Raquel round for dinner. Rodney I've apologised for that as well. Look, we always promised each other that if a problem arose in our marriage we would sit down and discuss it in a mature and adult way. Cassandra Fine. Let's sit down and discuss it in a mature and adult way. They sit. Rodney You can go first. Cassandra No, you carry on. Rodney No, I'd like to hear what you have to say. Cassandra You started it, Roddy, so you go... Rodney (Cuts in quickly) I didn't start anything! Cassandra You're the one who came home in a mood! Rodney I didn't have a mood until I came home and realised there was nothing for me to eat. Again! Cassandra Oh I see! That's what it's really all about! I'm supposed to be the little wife who has the dinner on the table waiting for Rodney to come back from the time-warp! This is not 1933, and the sooner you realise that the sooner you'll stop being so bloody childish! Rodney Cassandra, if you could avert your gaze from the exotica of the banking world for just one minute, you would realise, as so many women in Peckham realise, that there is nothing childish about Rodney Trotter! And they would appreciate having a young, successful and vibrant man like me around! And they'd most probably do me pie and chips if I fancied it! Cassandra Well why don't you go and find one of these women? There is a pause as he is put on the spot. It's do some- thing or surrender time. Rodney Alright, I will! Cassandra Well, go on then! Rodney I will! Cassandra And take a bottle of ketchup for your pie and chips! Rodney I will! Cassandra reacts. EXT. NIGHT. FORECOURT AND ENTRANCE DOOR TO RODNEY AND CASSANDRA'S FLATS. The entrance door is wrench open and a seething Rodney exits. He is wearing his baggy overcoat and carrying a leather flight-bag which contains a few hastily-packed clothes. His expression is that of a volcano about to erupt. He strides away from the door in a very determined manner. Here is a trendy executive childishly leaving his wife. EXT. NIGHT. GARAGE BLOCK TO RODNEY AND CASSANDRA'S FLATS. Rodney strides towards the garage door and pulls it up and open. He enters the garage to the right of car (as if going to driver's side). We have a slight pause during which, any second, we expect the engine to start and the car to reverse out. Now Rodney comes riding out on a bike (his flight bag balanced or attached in some way to crossbar). He doesn't push the bike out and then start riding it - he literally rides straight out of the garage and into the night. INT. NIGHT. TROTTERS' LOUNGE. Thirty minutes later. Del and Raquel are finishing their dinners. The table is covered in a fine tablecloth, they have a bottle of wine and a candle burns in a silver candlestick. There is subdued lighting just side lights) and it looks romantic - well, as romantic as you can get in Nelson Mandela House. Del (Enjoying the meal) Mmmh! What a meal! 'Je suis, je reste' as they say in Montpellier. Raquel Does that mean good? Del Superb! Haven't eaten food this good since my old Mum was alive. What is it again? Raquel It's chicken! Del I know it's chicken! I mean what's the dish called? Raquel It's called Petti di Pollo Trifolati. Del Say what you like about the French but they're magic with a saucepan and a bit of salt. Raquel It's Italian. Del Yeah, I know it's Italian, I was just saying the French are good cooks as well. Del raises his glass. Del (Cont'd) To... the future. Raquel smiles and they chink glasses. Del now changes to a more serious and romantic mood. He takes her hand Del (Cont'd) Raquel. Raquel Mmmh? Del You've been here a couple of weeks or so now, and... well... you know how I feel about you. Raquel Do I? You've never said. Del I thought it was obvious... I... I really like you... And... you don't have to answer this right now, but I was wondering whether you would... whether you would... Suddenly the main lights are switched on, thus ruining the mood. We see an agitated Albert has entered from the bedrooms area. He is rubbing his beard. Raquel I've kept your dinner warm in the oven, Albert. Is everything alright now? Albert (Referring to beard) I've cut the singed bits off. You should never light a candle when you've got a man with a beard in the house! Del You shouldn't have leant across the table to reach the bread! I've a good mind to report your beard to the council! If I hadn't been a bit lively with me Liebfraumilch we could have had a towering inferno on the rates. Albert (Indicating candle) I'll eat my dinner in the kitchen, away from that fire hazard! Albert exits to kitchen. Del (Calls) And be careful when you get the plate out the oven, the gas is still on! Raquel You were saying? Del Eh? Oh yeah. Del moves to light switch by door and switches main lights off, returns to table, taken Raquel's hand and then tries to rekindle the original atmosphere. Del You see - you're a woman... Raquel Thank you. Del And I'm a man. And - let's be honest - No Man's an Island. D'you see what I'm getting at? Raquel ... No. Del Well, I don't wanna rush things, but would you.. I mean, would you... The main lights are switched on as a fuming Rodney enters from hall. He is wearing his overcoat and carrying his flight bag and has obviously come straight here after storming out of his own flat. Rodney That's it - all over - kaput! That was her last chance! Raquel Good evening, Rodney! Rodney I have never been so insulted in all my life! Del Sit down, bruv, and let me have a try! Albert enters from kitchen. Albert What's happening? Raquel Rodney's left Cassandra. Albert Not again! This is the third time in eighteen months you two have broken up for good! Rodney This time it's for good! Del Does this mean our invitation to dinner's off? Rodney (Pouring a glass of scotch) Well of course it does! Raquel What's brought all this about? Rodney (Struggling to screw the top back on bottle) You'll never believe this. She accused me of being childish! Del (Mock horror) No? Rodney True! Rodney hurls the screw top away in frustration. Rodney (Cont'd) Stupid thing! Del Oi! That's my top! Rodney Tonight was the last straw! Del What's she do? Step on your Scalextrix? Rodney Derek, my marriage has broken up! This is no time for sarcasm! Rodney begins removing things from his flight bag. Del Yeah, Alright, bruv. Listen, calm down, finish your drink then I'll drive you home and we'll sort it all out. Rodney You don't seem to under- stand, I'm not going back. Me and Cassandra have finished - for good! Del Albert. Brandy? Raquel Rodney, you'll have to at least talk to her sooner or later. There'll be things to be discussed. Del Yeah, like who gets custody of Barbie and Ken. Rodney It's all a big joke to you, innit, Del? Del I just think that you and Cassandra are both behaving like a couple of ten-year-olds! You've broken up and gone back together more times than JR and Sue Ellen. Rodney Well, this time it's for good! I'm staying here. At this point Rodney removes a bottle of tomato ketchup from his bag. He reacts and quickly puts it back again. Del Albert, you'd better fetch a blanket and a pillow, make a bed for Rodney on the settee. Rodney Settee? No, I'll kip in me old room. Del You can't, Rodney. Raquel sleeps in there. Raquel (An embarrassed shrug) Sorry. Rodney Why's Raquel in my room? I thought you two were... Del (Cuts in quickly) Rodders! Can I have a word with you in the boardroom? Rodney moves across and joins Del in a hushed and private conversation. Rodney I thought you and Raquel... Del (Cuts in) No. Rodney You mean you're not..? Del (Cuts in) No. Rodney But she's been here over a fortnight. Del (Drops the 'I' in 'I know') 'know. Rodney Must be a record. Del Yeah... Del indicates dining table and referring to the romantic conversation. Del (Cont'd) I was just on the point of asking her whether she'd be so kind as to consider stamping me card when you came storming in. Rodney Well, just tell her I'm back so, like it or lump it, she's gotta kip with you. Del (Deeply offended) Listen to me, Rodney! Raquel is a lady. And when a lady is ready to... Well, when she's ready she'll let me know. Rodney How? Del I dunno! A sign or some- thing. Rodney Like what? Del I don't know! Rodney Maybe she'll put an announcement in the Sunday Sport. Del Look, all I know is she'll let me know! And until that happens you're kipping on the settee, and think yourself lucky! Rodney Yeah, I don't mind. Rodney moves to bar to pour himself another drink. Rodney (Cont'd) Anything's better than lay- ing next to a cold pair of shoulders. Raquel You going to let him stay? Del I dunno what to do for the best. Albert Let the boy stay for a few days. Rodney enters, eating Albert's chicken. Rodney Cor, I was starving. Albert Tell him to go back to his wife, Del. Albert exits. Albert (As he leaves) I fought in the war for you. INT. NIGHT.DISCO/NIGHTCLUB. A week later. This could be the same place where Rodney first danced with Cassandra in series 6, only now we have a few tables round the edge of dance floor. The dance floor is crowded with mainly twenty- to- thirty- year-old people. The hour is late and the lights are low. The music is slow, smooch, romantic. We see Rodney, Chris and Mickey Pearce standing at the bar. The three have had a little too much to drink (not staggering drunk, just a bit too merry for comfort, laughing and giggling at some now forgotten joke).We see Del and Raquel on the dance floor. As they circle slowly the mood of the music is broken by the giggling from bar. Del isn't concentrating on the dance, he is looking in Rodney's direction and becoming more annoyed with Rodney's antics. Del Look at that dipstick! What's he think he's play- ing at? Raquel He's had a little too much to drink, that's all. Del He walked out on Cassandra over a week ago and every night since he's been out on the p... booze! Raquel Are you worried about him? Del Course I am. I've had to look after him most of me life. Michael Jackson's got Bubbles, I've got Rodney! We cut to bar. Mickey, Chris and Rodney drink tequila slammers. Mickey (Calls to barman) Can we have... Excuse me ... Oi! Can we have the same again? This time make 'em large ones. Rodney/Chris (Like a cheer) Yeah! Mickey It's your round, Rodney. Rodney Is it? Oh yeah, I suppose it is. Seated just along from the chaps are two attractive women. They are in their early-to-mid-thirties but very pokeable. Mickey (Notices the women) Christopher, I spy with my little eye two women of the more mature variety. Chris Lonely housewives out on the pull. Rodney Leave me out of this. Mickey Yeah, we intended to. Chris (To one of the women) I know you from somewhere, don't I? Mickey He never forgets a face. 1st Woman Neither do I and I'd certainly remember you two! Chris and Mickey glance at each other. Chris (To woman) Did you go to the Dockside Junior school? 1st Woman Certainly not! Mickey (To Chris) Told you! (To woman) He thought you was our old headmistress! The woman looks offended. Mickey, Chris and Rodney roar with laughter, then join Rodney at the bar. We cut to see Del and Raquel leaving dance floor. Del hears the peals of laughter and looks towards bar. They sit at table. Del He's already missed a couple of days work 'cos of hangovers! Raquel I know. I've tried phoning Cassandra but she's just never in. Del Well, she's busy, ain't she? What with evening school and bank seminars. Raquel Can't you have a word with Rodney? Del What can I say? I can't go interfering in his life, he's a married man! Raquel Mmmh! If m experience is anything to go by, he won't be for long. Del, now deeply worried, looks towards Rodney. We cut to bar. Chris What d'you mean you're sleeping on the settee? Rodney S'true. Del's in his room and Raquel's in my old room. Mickey I thought Del Boy and her were living together? Rodney They are... sort of. But they're not cohabiting - at least they're not co- habiting in bed. Del said as soon as he's - you know - cracked the case, I can have me old room back. Chris Rodney, let me give you some advice. I am a ladies hairstylist and know intimately the working of the female mind. Mickey Yeah, 'cos he's a woofter! Mickey laughs. Chris Please be serious, Mickey! I hate it when you do your Timmy Mallet imperson- ation! Rodney, why don't you go home to Cassandra? You had a nice flat, a good bird and you've given it all up 'cos of some stupid row! Rodney If she wants to 'phone me and apologise then I might consider it. But she started it so she's gotta 'phone me first. As Mickey Pearce begins speaking, so Del appears behind him at the bar. (Del is served with his two drinks - A G&T and a cocktail - almost immediately.) Mickey What you've gotta do, Rodney, is make Cassandra jealous. Rodney Yeah... Why? Mickey Make her think other women find you desirable. Rodney (Likes the sound of this) Yeah! Chris Don't encourage Rodney to tell her lies! Rodney (Now in agreement with Chris) That's right... What d'you mean 'lies? Mickey Listen to me, Rodney. I always make a point of making women jealous. Del The only time you ever made women jealous was the night you won the last house at bingo. Mickey Oh it's you, Derek! Tell me, how you getting on with Raquel? Del is suspicious of the question. His answer is guarded. Del T'riffic! Thank you very much Mickey. What the bleedin hell it's gotta do with you, though, I don't know. Mickey Just concerned. Mickey turns to Rodney and Chris and muffles a laugh. Chris You gonna buy us a drink, Del? Del Yeah of course. Del calls to barman and lays a couple of pound coins on the bar. Del (Cont'd) Three coca-colas. (To Rodney) Can I have a word, Rodney? Del turns from bar and makes his way back to table. Rodney leaves bar and follows Del. We cut to the table and Del arrives back with drinks. Del There you go. Raquel Thanks. Rodney, carrying a glass of scotch and dry, arrives at the table. Occasionally he slurs his words. Rodney Alright? Del Go on Rodney. Yeah, sit yourself down. Raquel realises this should be a private conversation, indicates the ladies. Raquel I'll just... em... won't be long. Raquel exits. Del just looks at him as if he seeks and explanation. Rodney senses the look and tries to hide his mild feelings of shame. Rodney So, you got the exhaust on the van sorted out yet? Del It's booked in for tomorrow. You can drive it down there for me. Rodney Me? Del Well, you won't be going a work, will you? Not after what you've shoved down tonight. So when your hangover's cleared up you can drive the van down there for me. Rodney I will be going a work in the morning! You can bet your last penny on that! Okay? Del What are you doing to yourself, Rodney? Every night for the last week you've been out on the booze! Rodney I'm just seeing my mates, that's all. Del Yeah, but why's it always Johnny Walker and Ron Bacardi? Rodney - Rodders - you walked out on Cassandra eight days ago. You've made your point bruv. It's time to go home. Rodney I already went home. Del No you didn't, you came to my flat. Rodney Yeah, and I was born there so it's my home! Look, you've never been married so you don't know what it's like. Del No, but I've mucked about enough to have a fair idea. Rodney moves away. Del Rodney... Rodders. Del follows him. Rodney See, to Cassandra life is all drive and ambition. I think she wants to rule the world. Del No, she don't. She just wants promotion at the bank. Rodney Zakly! And her determin- ation has made her so blinkered she doesn't notice all the beautiful things that are around her. Del What, you? Rodney Well... if you like! The other month it was her birthday. So I bought her a pair of earrings and a Shergal Farkey LP. Del A Shergal What? Rodney Sherkal Fargey... Fergal Sharkey, the singer. Del Oh him! Rodney And a pair of earrings. They were nice earrings, but little. There were very little earrings. Nice, but... Del Little! Rodney Yes - little. Cassy looked at 'em and said, 'Thank you, Rodney. Aren't they little.' Del No?? Rodney True as I stand here... sit here. I suppose Mummy and Daddy used to buy her big presents! I wish I could meet another girl! Del In your present condition your best bet's to join a Lonely Kidney's Club! Rodney (Hasn't heard Del's last remark) I think married life's been a bit of a let down for young Cassandra! But I don't care! It's no skin off my nose. Couldn't give a monkey's toss! Rodney, now with the combination of booze and emotion, he breaks down. Rodney (Cont'd) I love her, Del! Del (Worried that people might see) Shut up, you tart! Wipe your nose. Rodney I haven't come up to her high expectations! Del I'm gonna have a word with your wife, Rodney! I'm gonna tell her that size isn't everything, it's the thought that counts! Rodney If you get involved, Del ... What d'you mean, 'size isn't everything'? Del Well, those earrings! Rodney Oh sod the earrings! God, it makes me so angry! Right now I'd like to go out and find a little bloke to have a fight with! Del Oi, oi, you can cut all that sorta talk out! Rodney She hardly ever cooked for me! Too busy! Del You can cook. Rodney Yeah, but I wanted her to do it. Del (Now sensing he's getting to the truth) What, you wanted Cassandra to make a fuss of you? Rodney Yes! Del She ain't your mum, Rodney. Rodney What d'you mean? Del Well - you never really knew the joy of having a mum, did you? You'd only been on solids a while when the angels come and took her away. Rodney Yeah. I can sort of remember her - but it's... misty. A blonde lady... She was there... then she was gone! Bit like the SDP really! Rodney giggles at this. Del (Deeply offended) D'you wanna right-hander for a nightcap, Rodney? You have some respect! Rodney Sorry, Del! I was just... sorry! What a life, eh? My wife doesn't love me, I ain't got me Mum and some bastard's nicked me bike! Del I told you not to leave it out on the landing, didn't I? Rodney Yeah! Del Don't be defeatist, bruv. These things are sent to test us. Why don't you take a leaf out of my book, eh? Happy go lucky - never let life get me down. Use me as your role model if you like. Rodney You? You must be joking! Anyway, I don't need a mole -rodel! (Realises he's said it wrong. Tries again) A mole-rodel... As Rodney tries again Del mouths the words to help him. Del (Mouths the words) Role... rodel. Rodney Mole... rod... I don't want one of them! I'm happy as I am! (Notices Raquel returning) ...See you later. Rodney moves back to the bar as Raquel returns. Raquel Any luck? Del No. I tried. Raquel (Kisses him) You're a very nice person, Derek Trotter. Del Yeah, I know. It's always been me weakness. Raquel I think Rodney's a very confused young man. Confused and maybe a bit frightened. Del Frightened? He's a bloke! Raquel I know. And even 'blokes' get frightened! Everyone's frightened of something! Del Are they? What are you frightened of? Raquel Shut up, you'll make me feel silly. Del Go on, What you frightened of? I won't laugh. Raquel The dark! Del roars with laughter. Del Yeah. Del now becomes very serious. He's going for it, but he knows he could easily blow it) Del (Cont'd) If you like, tonight when you're in bed... in the dark... I'll hold your hand. Raquel (Smiles at him) Okay. Thank you. Del smiles - not licentiously - it's a mixture of relief and love. Now he spoils it all. Del (On the hurry-up) Come on then, drink up. They stand up. Raquel Listen, Del. My reputation in this area isn't as good as I'd like it to be. So please don't tell anyone about this! About us! Del Course, I won't tell anyone Raquel. Cor Blimey! What sorta bloke d'you think I am? This kind of thing's private! It's between you and me, Raquel - it's us! Raquel Thanks. They stand and head towards the exit. They pass the bar where Rodney, Chris and Mickey are still standing. Rodney Oi, Del. You going? I'll see you later. Del Righto. And, Rodney, you can sleep in your old room tonight. Rodney, realising this means Del has cracked the case, punches the air. Rodney Nice one, Derek! The three celebrate. The following lines are spoken virtually together - just a wall of drunken sound/ celebration. Chris (Applauding) Let's hear it for my man! Mickey Right-on, Del Boy! Rodney Let's drink to it! Del reacts with a 'me and my mouth' expression. Raquel closes her eyes and wishes the ground would open up and swallow her. INT. DAY.TROTTERS' LOUNGE. Albert is laying asleep in armchair. The TV is on and we hear the signature tune to BBC News at six. TV Announcer This is the six o'clock news from the BBC. The door from bedrooms area opens and Rodney enters. He is wearing a towelling dressing gown. His hair is wet and he has shaved. He is carrying a radio. He turns TV off and switches his radio on Which immediately blares pop music. He goes to mirror and brushes hair. The noise from the radio rouses Albert from his slumber. Albert What's that horrible racket? Rodney I'm listening to me radio. Albert I can't sleep with all that noise going on! Rodney That's an amazing statement coming from a man who slept through two world wars! Albert I didn't do any sleeping in the war, Rodney! I was out there on the big waves. Shell and fire, that was me. They could make a film about my life story. Rodney Yeah, Three Men in a Dinghy! Albert So how you feeling now? Has your hangover cleared up? Rodney I didn't have a hangover! Albert So why didn't you go a work this morning? Rodney None of your business! You ain't half a nosey git, ain't you! It's no wonder they used to chuck you out of the lifeboat! Albert Yeah, and if that's the sort of rubbish you listened to it's no wonder your wife chucked you out your house! Rodney (Seething at this insult) Cassandra did not chuck me out! I left of my own accord. She's praying for me to go back! Albert Oh, spending a lot of time at church, is she? Maybe that's why she's never in when Raquel phones her. Rodney You're just tryin' to wind me up, ain't you? Albert No I'm not, son, honest... They found your bike yet? Rodney Just get off my case, Albert! I'm gonna get dressed! Rodney exits to bedrooms area taking portable radio with him. Albert goes behind cocktail bar and pours himself a brandy. He is just about to drink when Raquel enters from bedrooms area, looking behind her as if concerned about Rodney. Albert quickly puts brandy down and begins scouring floor behind bar for some imaginary missing article. Albert