Series 7 - Episode 1 - The Jolly Boys' Outing EXT. DAY. MARKET. Del is spieling to a small and indifferent crowd. He is holding a car/radio e quite cassette. We see quite clearly the manufacturer's brand name across radio 'Masta F80'. The markings on the radio should be very distinctive so that we will recognise it immediately when we see it again in a later scene. In the background we can see the three-wheeled van and Albert lounging against it. Behind Del is a large-ish cardboard box which has printed across it. 'Musta F80 radio cassette'. We assume that the rest of the rest of the radio cassettes are in the box. Del Now come on, listen to this. I've come here to sell my wares. I haven't come here to be laughed at, chaffed at or generally mucked about. I've come to sell my wares and they're guaran- teed. Guaranteed to cure hard core, soft core and pimples on the tongue. Right, now, what we got here today, I tell you what we got here today, I tell you what we're doing, we've got the Musta F80 in-car radio cassette player as recommended by Nigel Mansell. Laughter from crowd. Del (Cont'd) No no no, straight up. I wouldn't wind you up would I, on something as important as this? This is solid state of the arts technology this, and this is none of your Japanese or German rubbish - no sir, this is actually made in Albania. Listen, let me show you, let me point out some of the advantages of this wonderful machine. It's got multiple pre-sets, synthesised tuners, digital-scan, auto-reverse graphic equalizer. (A deep breath before continuing) It's got MW, FM, VHF, LCD, RMS, B&Q and ICI And it comes complete with two, not one, two, count them, one...two quadraphonic speakers! And I am also giving away free with this technological miracle one Kylie Minogue LP. Wait a minute. Only ten ninety- nine. We see a marked lack of enthusiasm from the crowd. Some begin wandering away. Del (Cont'd) No, listen, don't walk away, you could regret this for the rest of your life ... I tell you what I'm gonna do. Forget the Kylie Minogue LP. Right, ten quid... ten quid, first come, first served. We cut away to where a bored Albert is lounging against van. We see Cassandra approaching. She is on her lunch break. Cassandra Hello, Albert. Albert Oh, hello, love. Cassandra What are you up to? Albert I am Trotters Independent Traders' executive look-out. The day Rodney went to work for your Dad I got promotion. Cassandra Yeah? Wish it was that easy for me. Albert What, have the bank said something about your new job? Cassandra No. I had to sit an inter- view yesterday. Uh ... my boss said he'll speak on my behalf, so it's fingers crossed. Albert You'll get your promotion, Cassandra, I can feel it in me bones. It'll make a lovely anniversary present for you. Talking of anniversary presents, I know what Del's got for you. But , you know me, I ain't saying nothing-yeah, don't wanna spoil the surprise. Cassandra Oh go on, spoil it. Albert Alright then. (Quietly) It's a car radio. Cassandra A car ra ..! I've already got a radio in my car. Albert Have you? It'll do for Rodney then. Cassandra Oh yeah, it'll look really good on his bike, won't it? Albert Well, maybe Del's looking for the future. When you get your new job you and Rodney'll become a two car family. Cassandra I think it'll be a long time before Rodney and I become a two car family. Albert No, but you've only been married a year, first two or three are always a struggle. It was the same with me and my wife - yeah, she used to write and say me how tough it was. Cassandra What do you mean, she used to write? Albert Well, I was away at sea - there was a war on. Albert opens his duffel coat. We see pinned to his jacket is a single medal. Albert (Cont'd) Look. I found this morning at the bottom of my duffel bag. I ain't seen it for years, I thought I'd lost it. Cassandra (Appealing) Look, Uncle Albert, I’ve only got one hour for my lunch! Albert (Unmoved by her pleas) It was midnight as we sailed in to this little harbour on board this Greek herring trawler - that was our cover, see. Del now joins them carrying the box containing the rest of the radios. Del (To Albert) Oi, what is it your game? You're supposed to be on look-out! I haven't seen you look at anything! The entire massed bands of the Metropolitan Police force could march through here playing 'I Shot the Sheriff' and your wouldn't see nothing! Albert It was Cassandra, she wanted to know where I won me medal. Cassandra Yeah, it was my fault, Del. I'm sorry. Anyway, I'd better be going, I've got to get some shopping in. Del Oh yeah, what's that for, tomorrow night's anniversary dinner, eh? What time d'you want us there? Cassandra reacts - as far as she knew Del and Albert weren't invited. Cassandra I thought Rodney said we'd take you and Albert out to a restaurant at a later date. Del Yes, I know and I told Rodney that that was far too expensive. No, you gotta look after your pennies now, sweetheart. Cassandra Thing is, Del, um ... it's not so much an anniversary dinner, it's more business - I've invited a couple of people along from the bank. I'm worried you'll get bored. Del No, you don't have to worry about us! This is your night, and we don't want to let you down - you're family now. Alright? Cassandra (knows she can't win) Yeah. Eight o'clock okay? Del Yeah, lovely jubbly! As Cassandra is about to leave so Marlene appears with her new baby in its pram. We can hear the baby crying. Marlene Hello Del, hello darling. Cassandra Hi, Marlene. (Referring to baby) Can I look? Marlene Yeah, if you want, but I warn you he ain't at his best, miserable little git. He's missing his morning nap, ain't you darling? Cassandra Oh he's most probably got wind. Ah, look at him. Del (Looking into pram) Mm... he's a little cracker, ain't he, eh? Does remind me of Boycie. Marlene Yeah, what, the eyes? Del No, no, the wind. Del and Marlene laugh. Cassandra What have you named him? Marlene We've called him Tyler. Cassandra (Half-hearted) Tyler ... Nice! Del Of course, if it had been a girl they would have called it Ruth... then it would have been know as Ruth Tyler - tiler - geddit? Cassandra (Uncertain whether to believe him) Really? Del No, it's only ... (Referring to Cassandra and Marlene) What's up with you two? Marlene approaches Albert. Marlene Oh hello, Albert? Cor blimey, that's not another medal, is it? Albert Yeah, an act of bravery in the Aegean Sea. I was on this Greek herring trawler, When suddenly out of the darkness come this German torpedo boat! Marlene Interrupts him. She's fed up with his sagas as well. Marlene Albert, you must have come back with more medals than the Russian Olympic squad! Marlene leaves him and returns to Del, Cassandra and the crying baby. This hurts Albert. Nobody wants to listen to him. He was a hero. He didn't ask to be a hero. His only crime is talking about it. Albert (Sadly) Oh I didn't ask for 'em! They kept giving 'em to me. We cut to Del, Cassandra and Marlene at pram. Marlene (To the crying baby) Oh, shut up, Tyler! Albert (Referring to baby) Giss him here. Giss him here. I'm a natural with kids. Albert wheels the pram away a few yards. Cassandra Alright everyone. I'm off then. Nice to see you. Del Yes alright Cassandra. Ta- ta now love. Bye. Cassandra exits. During the next few speeches the baby's crying in background ceases. Marlene Bye. That Cassandra's a nice girl, ain't she? Rodney was really lucky marrying her. Del Yeah, and I was lumbered with he old man of the sea! Marlene Hey, talking of sea! Boycie's just told me you lot are off on a beano to Margate! Del Oh what, the Jolly Boys Outing? Yeah, well we go every couple of years. I organise it. Marlene If he gets up to anything with a bird in Margate I am holding you responsible! Del Oh he won't get up to nothing! We'll only be there a couple of hours. Marlene He don't need a couple of hours! Thirty seconds does him! We cut to Albert who is sitting on a box and talking quietly into the pram. Intercut shots of the baby smiling and cooing and making baby sounds - as if the baby is reacting and answering Albert's questions. Albert So there I was at the wheel of this Greek herring trawler sailing into the unknown. Shot of baby. Albert (Cont'd) It was twenty three hundred hours and the night was blacker than a bailiff's heart. We cut away to Del and Marlene. Marlene So where's Rodney working now? Del Mm? Oh he's working with uh... Alan - you know, Cassandra's Dad - down at the printing works. Marlene What, what - he managed to keep that job? Del Oh yeah! And he's doing very nicely. Oh yeah Works in the computer section. Marlene Oh. Del They had a trainee start last month - showing him all the ropes. Marlene Yeah, Rodney'll soon pick it up. Del No, no, Rodney's showing the trainee all the ropes! Marlene Oh. Cut back to Albert at pram. We don't see the baby now until the end of this sequence. Albert isn't actually looking at the baby anymore. He is staring wistfully into distance. Albert Then out the darkness came this German torpedo boat. Quick as a flash - and without giving a second's thought to me own safety or anyone else's - I swung the wheel to port and sent the trawler right across the German boat's bow! We were slightly damaged but Jerry sunk within a minute... That's why they gave me this medal. One day, if you're lucky, you might win one of these. (Thinks about his last statement) But then again - hopefully not. We now see the baby is sound asleep. Albert smiles. Cut away to Del and Marlene. Del No, What you've gotta under- stand, Marlene, is that Rodney's in charge of the whole computer section! The entire thing! I don't know where that firm would be without Rodney! INT. DAY. RODNEY'S OFFICE/PRINTERS. The 'office' is in fact a ten by ten room which has been partitioned off by perspex from a large workshop. Outside the office we can see printing machines and people in protective clothing working them. There are a couple of computers and consoles and one or two computer printers. As Rodney is in charge of this area, the place is quite messy, paper everywhere. We find Rodney in tie loosened and sleeves rolled up, looking harassed. We cut from Del's last speech to a computer console screen. The screen is filled with information. Now we hear a 'beep' as a key is touched and the screen goes blank. We hear Rodney's voice. Rodney (OOV) Shit! Now we cut to see Rodney looking at the blank screen. Rodney (Cont'd) That's the second time I've done that today! Alan opens the door and enters. As he opens the door we hear the noise of the busy workshop. Alan How's it going, Rodney? Rodney (Cool and in control) Oh, fine. Alan You got those print-outs ready for the bank yet? Rodney Shouldn’t be long, Alan. Alan (Chuckling) I'd be very careful if I was you, you've wiped them off once today already. Rodney and Alan laugh at this. Rodney Oh. (Laughs) No problem. Alan So, what have you bought Cassandra for your anniversary then? Rodney (Embarrassed) Oh it was ... clothing. Alan Clothing, lovely. Well I expect I'll see it tomorrow night, she's bound to wear it at the dinner. Rodney I don't think she will, Alan. Alan Well why not? Oh... Oh... Uh... well I uh... I really am looking forward to your anniversary dinner. Rodney Yeah, well, so was I till I found out she's invited that Stephen and Joanne. Alan Oh no, you gotta be fair son, you know. Stephen is the assistant head of the bank's overseas investment bureau. He's Cassy's boss! She's applied for promotion so she's gotta stay on his good side. Rodney I know! But he's such a yuppy! It's all that, (mimics Stephen) 'Oh yeah, for sure'. And all that, 'okay, can I just run this past you'. Prat! Alan Yeah, yeah. I can't stand him either. But he's the sort of man that might do the company some good one of these days. I'd rather have him inside the tent spitting out than outside the tent spitting in! Understand? Rodney Yeah, course I do. Alan Look, Uh... if Cassy is lucky enough to get this promotion, one of her jobs and uh... one of her duties is going to be entertaining at home. So she's uh... invited Stephen and his wife along to prove that she can throw a good dinner party. Round about this point a young trainee enters and sits at the second computer. Rodney (To Alan) Yeah, I know. Look, take no notice of me, right, I'm just overreacting. Alan Well, we'll all be on our best behaviour, make a good impression for our little Cassy, eh? Alan moves towards the door. Rodney Yeah. (His face suddenly filled with horror) Alan! I've invited Del and Albert! Alan You've what? Rodney Well, I had to, well, they're family! Alan (Thinks about it for a moment) Oh well, I don't suppose she'd have been very happy in her new job anyway. Rodney wears a sick grin. Trainee (To Rodney) Excuse me, sir. Rodney looks behind him then realises the trainee means him. Rodney Oh! What? Trainee It's just all that data you had on your screen, it's on my one now! We see that the data which Rodney wiped out is now on second screen. Rodney (Bewildered, now (acts the boss) Well, of course it is! (Shakes his head and smiles at Alan) They don't know they're born, do they? Alan exits, smiling at the naivety of the trainee. INT. NIGHT. RODNEY AND CASSANDRA'S LOUNGE/DINER. It is a recently built flat and the decor furnishing is modem and tasteful. On one wall and in amongst all the modem works of art is a print of 'bubbles' (the little boy blowing bubbles) in a rather crappy, ornate gold frame. The dining table is a six-seater so we should have another two non-matching dining chairs in evidence to make up the numbers. In the lounge area we have a three- seater settee and two armchairs (or maybe another settee - two-seater and one armchair). We also have a cocktail cabinet or drinks table. Rodney, Cassandra, Del, Alan, Stephen and his wife Joanne are seated at dining table. At this point Pam is in the kitchen. Rodney, Alan Cassandra, Stephen and Joanne are dressed smartly but casually. Del is done up to kill in three- piece and tie, his gold 'd' hanging outside shirt, a gold and ruby tie-pin, his tortoiseshell cigar-holder and his filofax laid on table. Albert is wearing his finest including medals. Pam, we shall discover, is also slightly overdressed. Stephen is in his early thirties and good-looking. He is a twenty-four carat 'gold blend' yuppy - although he hates being called that. He is ultra-confident verging on the smug and has an irritating habit of virtually ignoring those he considers beneath him (This naturally, includes Del and Albert). His con- versation is littered with modern American clichés and jargon from the financial world. Joanne is in her late twenties and is another yuppy. They think similarly. Their attitudes to him: Cassy he is her immediate boss and he can help her achieve her ambitions, plus he seems to know what he's talking about. She realises that he's a bit of a pain but she treats him with great politeness. Pam She thinks Stephen is wonderful and secretly wishes Cassy had married someone like him. Joanne She also thinks Stephen is wonderful. Del He admires Stephen's energy and drive but sees him as a 'fellow yuppy'. He feels he has to impress Stephen with his own 'insider knowledge'. Alan He suffers Stephen because his company is expanding and Stephen is helping arrange a large bank loan. But deep inside he suspects Stephen is a prat. Rodney He doesn't like the close working relationship Stephen has with Cassy. He's almost convinced Stephen's a prat. Albert He knows Stephen's a prat. Dinner has finished and plates, etc. cleared away. Everyone is finishing their wine before coffee and liqueur is served. Albert is seated in armchair. In front of him is a low coffee table upon which is spread a Trivial Pursuits board and accessories. He is reading answers from the back of cards. We come up on the table, guests in mid-topic. There is laughter and smiles, it's a happy occasion and even Stephen can smile. Laughter. Stephen Alright, at first glance it may appear to be slightly off the wall. But the word in the city is big bucksville. Alan Right, so what is the big secret then? Cassandra Stephen's about to tell you if you give him half a chance. Stephen Alan, this is no stock market secret or insider information. It is merely my humble opinion - for what it's worth. Okay, let me run this one past you. Try and get you heads round this. I'm going to say one word - but bear in mind I am talking 'future' - long term investment, yeah? Joanne It's 'hang in there' time. Stephen Yeah, for sure. Okay, this is the bottom line, take it on board if you wish. The word is - Africa! Del Africa! I'll make a note of that in my Filofax, if I may, Stephen. You got a pen? Stephen No. The two main ladies in my life, Joanne and Cassy, know where I'm coming from on this one. Rodney reacts to this. Cassandra Stephen was telling me about the projected world growth areas the other day over brunch. Stephen And Africa is where it's at. Recently Joanne and I spent a little time down in Afrique sur-mer. (Chuckles at this time) All the others at table, except for Rodney, chuckle politely. Del (To Stephen) Fabrique belgique. Stephen This is it. Stephen looks at Del and wonders what the hell 'Fabrique belgique' meant. He now continues. Stephen (Cont'd) Fruit produce, yeah? With the introduction of new technology we could be talking returns of left- field proportions. Take the banana crop alone, we are into mega-growth. Del Well, you can't go wrong, Stephen. The bigger the banana the better, ha ha, that's my motto. Stephen For sure. And statistically we are talking ... (To Del) What? Del Well, what I mean is that, uh... it's easier to sell bigger bananas than little 'uns! Ain't it Rodney, eh? Alan Uh, Del, I think when uh... Stephen talks about 'growth' he's talking about financial investment, not about the uh - well, the actual size of the banana. Del Oh yeah. No... yeah... no it's... I just wasn't sure. Pam enters from kitchen pushing a trolley containing coffee things. Pam Coffee, everyone? Del Ah, lovely jubbly. Cassandra Mummy, I was about to do that. Pam That's alright, darling. You were talking with Stephen, so I thought I might as well make myself useful. Joanne It's a lovely little flat, Cassandra, everything is so... well, so well coordinated. Cassandra Thanks. Del (To Joanne) That's 'cos Rodney has got a GCE in Art. Cassandra (Desperate to change the subject) Liqueurs, anyone? Dad? Alan Oh yeah, yeah, I'll have a scotch, please love. Pam gives him a warning glance. Alan (Cont'd) Uh, no, make that a small port please. Cassandra Roddy? Del Roddy! (Laughs, now to Albert) Roddy! Oi Albert, she only calls him Roddy, look. Albert laughs. Rodney (Embarrassed) I'll have a lager. Pam Derek? Del Mm ... brandy, please, Pamela. Pam Armagnac? Del Yeah, that'll do if you're out of brandy. Albert I'll have a rum, dear. Pam Yes, we know! Joanne I'll stay with the wine. Stephen Yeah, same here. I've gotta be up early in the morning, playing baseball. Del Oh, baseball! Yeah! No... I love it. I always watch it on Channel Four. Rodney You don't like baseball! You've always called it silly boys rounders! Del Yeah, that was before that I knew it was 'in'! Nowadays it's the sort of game that guys like uh, me and Stephen enjoy. Stephen How d'you mean? Guys like me and Stephen? Del Well, you know, yuppies. Stephen Yup ... (An embarrassed grin to the others) Derek, I am not a yuppy. Del thinks being called a yuppy is one of the greatest honours a man can have bestowed upon him. He now reassures Stephen. Del You are, Stephen, you are! Guaranteed. Stephen No, no, really ... Del (Interrupts him) Take it from me, son. You are! Del gives him a reassuring 'you're on of us' wink. We see Rodney and Alan are hiding their smiles. Stephen, quickly changes subject. Lots of false cheer- fulness. Stephen Okay, well are you gonna give me the chance to wipe the floor with you at Trivial Pursuit or not? Joanne Oh yeah, brill ... Stephen, Joanne, Cassandra and Pam move to game. Del, Rodney and Alan are a bit slower. Del (To Rodney. Rubbing his hands together) All right, yeah! Trivial Pursuits, eh? Heheh! Lovely Jubbly! (To Rodney) How d'you play it? Rodney, fearing the questions may be above Del, he is concerned for his brother's feelings. Rodney The thing is, Del Boy, it's all about general knowledge - you know, it's a bit intellectual. Del Oh yeah? Alan (Also concerned for Del) Yeah. Some of the questions are, you know, really difficult. It Could be a bit embarrassing. Del (To Rodney and Alan) Don't worry, I'll help you two out. Alright? Rodney and Alan share a look as Del moves towards game. Alan and Rodney follow. Everybody is seated or finding seats. During the following speeches everybody takes a turn at throwing the dice to see who starts the game. Albert So... So what part of Africa did you go to? Del (To Rodney) I bet he's been there! Joanne Well, the trip ended at Dar Es Salaam. Albert I've been there. Stephen Okay! Look, this is really boring. We left Nairobi then went south to Moshi, across the Serengeti to Musoma then the long trek east to the coast. Del (Quietly mimicking Albert) During the war. Albert During the war we pursued a German battleship down the eastern coast and right the way through the Zanibar Channel. Three days and nights we chased it. Joanne Did you catch it? Albert Yeah, worse luck, it sunk us. Joanne We'll have to find that holiday brochure for Cassandra. Stephen Yeah, for sure. Right! Try and get your heads round this, okay? Imagine the sun setting on the vast waters of Lake Victoria... A hundred thousand wildebeest grazing on the Masai Steppe, yeah? Joanne Oh yeah, wonderful. Stephen (Especially to Cassandra) A misty, sleepy dawn rises to reveal Kilimanjaro in all its hypnotic majesty. Cassandra Oh, it sounds great! A pause. Del We're all going on a beano to Margate next Saturday, Stephen. D'you fancy coming? Stephen Me? oh, em, yeah it sounds great but it's bank holiday weekend and uh ... Joanne and I always spend them together. Joanne No, I'm going away to Mummy and Daddy's next Saturday, remember. Stephen gives her a look that could kill. Cassandra It's better than being on your own, Stephen. It'll get you out of the old routine. Stephen No, I mean, I... I wouldn't know anyone. Albert Course you will. Rodney's going. Rodney and Cassandra react. He wanted to tell Cassandra himself and she's not best pleased at finding out this way. Cassandra (To Rodney) You're going? Rodney Yeah. Well, it's tradition. You know, it's the Jolly Boys' Outing. Cassandra The what? Del It's the Jolly Boys Outing. We've been going on 'em for years. Pam (To Cassandra) Oh you can't stop Rodney from going, darling. After all, it's only a day out. It'll do him good. Del Yeah. Anyway, your Dad'll be there to keep an eye on him, won't you? Alan closes his eyes as Pam explodes. Pam (To Alan) You're off on a bloody beano? Alan Well, Del mentioned it. I thought ... uh, you know, a bit of sea air, do me good. Pam You're going to get drunk, aren't you? And make yourself ill on jellied eels. Alan I'm not gonna drink any- thing and I'm not gonna eat! I'm just gonna - enjoy myself! Stephen Well fine. Roll again, Derek, and uh ... I'll ask the questions. Del rolls the dice and then moves his counter the approp- riate number of squares. Del Alright, there we go. Four. What do I do now? This me, yeah? That one. Look, one, two, three, four. Stephen Oh, S&N. Del S&N, ha ha! What's A&N? Stephen Science and Nature. Del Oh right. Stephen (Takes card and looks at question) Oh God! It's so simple! (Reads to Del) 'What is a female swan called'? Del What is em ... female swan called? Stephen (Incredulously) You don't know? Del No no no no. I do, I do. It's just that it's at the back of me uh... me brain there. Um... Oh! Can you giss a clue. Albert Three ... three letters. Stephen Oh come on now! There's nothing in the rules about clues! Del Ah, it's a fe ... Female swan. Three letters. Um... We now see Rodney has produced a ballpoint pen - one of the cheap, see-through type. He is attracting Del's attention by tapping the pen. Del spots this. Del Um, wait a minute, uh... got it. It's a Bic! Stephen reacts. Del picks up the dice and rolls again. Del (Cont'd) We are off and running! INT. DAY. TRAVELLING COACH. We see the coach's radio and establish that it is a 'Musta F80'. At this moment the radio is working perfectly (no smoke). Music is playing - 'Help' by Bananarama. We establish the faces - some singing along, others chatting. The two faces we shouldn't see at this time are the driver's and Alan's. We see Albert is asleep. Mickey Pearce sings into Albert's ear. Mickey (High pitched) Won't you please, please help me? Help me...! Albert (Wakes with a start) Get out you noisy little git! Mickey You miserable old sod! You're on a beano, you're supposed to be enjoying yourself. Albert I haven't had my full quota of sleep, and I'm starving hungry. Why'd we have to leave before breakfast? Jevon Don't you read the papers, Albert? The railways are on strike. Albert So? Jevon And it's a bank holiday weekend. (Now as if he is talking to a child) Which means the roads are gonna be choc-a-bloc, that's why we left early. Now repeat that back to me, I want to make sure you understand. Albert I'll give you a clump round the ear in a minute. Jevon and Mickey laugh. Del is passing up the aisle. Albert (Con'd) Del, d'you reckon I could get something to eat? Del Yeah, 'course you can, Unc, Denzil's in charge of the sandwiches. Tell you what, you sit there, and I'll go an' get some for you, alright? Lazy old git! Del moves towards back of coach. Jevon You've gotta give Del his dues, ain't ya? He did all the catering by himself. Mickey Oh leave off, Jevon, can you see Del Boy standing in a kitchen cutting up all them loaves? He probably got some idiot to do it for him. Trigger No, I made 'em for him. See Rodney's reaction. Cut to a seat towards back of coach. We see Denzil seated at aisle seat. On the window seat is a large cardboard box filled with cellophane wrapped sandwiches. He produces a small plastic drum of pills. As he pops a couple in his mouth he reacts. He is behaving suspiciously. We see Del is standing there and has witnessed this. Del is disgusted with him, hands him a can of beer. Del Here y'are, want some bitter to wash them down with? Denzil, what's your game? Don't your realise the damage that stuff does to you? Denzil They're antibiotics! Del What? Denzil Antibiotics, the doctor prescribed 'em. (Hands can of beer back) And I don't need that, I'm not supposed to drink with 'em... I've got this infection. Del (Assuming it's the clap or worse) Oh have you? Denzil It's in the ear. Del How's it get there then? Denzil That's where you normally get ear infections. Del Oh. Denzil Listen Del, you won't tell the others about this, will you? I mean, these days people get the wrong idea about this sort of thing. Del Oh come on, don't be silly, Denzil. Course I won't. Denzil It's just an ear infection, that's all. Del Oi, oi, oi, Denzil! You don't have to prove yourself to me, do you? I'm your mate. Denzil Cheers, Del. Del That's alright. Oh by the way, there's been a change in plan. You're no longer in charge of the sandwiches. Del picks up the box of sandwiches and moves towards front of coach, leaving Denzil flabbergasted. Del (Calls towards front of coach) Michael, your luck's changed. You're in charge of the grub. Sid has a fag hanging from his lips and looks his usual scruffy self. He calls Del. Sid Oi, I wanna word with you. Del Yeah? What is it, Sid? Sid I own a cafe, right? Del Yeah, right, so what? Sid So, why didn't you ask me to make the sandwiches? Del Well, the explanation is simple. We intend to eat them! Sid Oh... alright, then. Del Right then. (Moves away) Alright lads, only another ten minutes, then we'll be at the halfway house, that's when the serious stuff begins. A cheer from the Jolly Boys. Jevon Make those lagers long and cool. Rodney Oh yes! Look out Margate, and lock up your daughters. Hey? (Looks to one side (and reacts) Alright, Alan? We see Alan sitting at window seat. Alan Yeah, I'm alright, son... Mike is moving down the coach, handing out the sandwiches. Mike Salad... There's cheese for you Tone. Um... There you go Denzil. Mike hands something to Denzil. We don't see what it is at this point. Denzil, who is looking out of the window, automatically takes it. We hear a bell tinkle. He now looks to see that Mike has given him the brass bell he calls time with in the pub. The whole coach is now laughing. Denzil (Reacts angrily) Where is he? Denzil stands and searches for Del. We see Del standing at the front of the coach. Denzil (Cont'd) You promised you wouldn't say anything! Del (Can hardly talk through laughter) Sorry, Denzil, it just sorta slipped out! We hear others calling 'eurghhh' and 'unclean!' etc. Denzil sits and smiles - he knows all the jibes are good natured. Del, still laughing, moves to the very front seat. His attention is drawn to something in the driving console of the cab. We now see that the 'Musta F80' radio is smouldering ever so slightly. He ponders the phenomenon until his concentration is broken by Rodney's voice. Rodney (Pointing out of front window) Hey Del. Here y'are mate. It's the halfway house. Del Ah! Hey! Lovely Jubbly! (Laughs) EXT. DAY. HALFWAY HOUSE PUB. We see the halfway house with a few empty coaches already parked there. From inside we can hear the sound of pop music. We see the Jolly Boys' coach pull off the road and stop. INT. DAY. LOBBY OF HALFWAY HOUSE PUB. Two sets of double doors and one single door lead off from the lobby. We give the impression that the two sets of swing doors lead to two separate bars. Through the frosted glass of these doors we should see bodies crammed against them to give the impression of a packed pub. A sign above the single door reads simply 'Toilets'. Heavy music is playing over. Albert and Sid are standing in lobby sipping their almost-finished halves of bitter. Mike enters from one of the bars. Mike (Urgency in his voice) Oi! You seen Del Boy around? Sid He was here just now. Why? What's up? Mike I think old Harry's had too much to drink - he's fallen over twice. Now he's tryin' to juggle with pickled eggs. Albert So what's that gotta do with Del? Mike Well, Del organised this outing so it's his responsibility. I'll try the other bar. As Mike is about to enter the second bar so Eddie Chambers exits from it. Eddie is about the same age a Mike. He's and East End landlord. They almost pass each other. Mike Sorry mate. Eddie Oi, Mike! It is you, innit? Mike I don't believe it! Eddie Chambers! 'Ere, I heard you'd emigrated. Eddie That's right, yeah, I had a pub on the Isle of Wight. So, you still in the trade? Mike Yeah, yeah, got a lovely little pub down in Peckham. (Indicating Albert and Sid) There's two of my satisfied regulars over there. Sid and Albert look behind them to see who he's talking about. Mike (Cont'd) you uh... around for a while, then Eddie? Eddie Yeah, 'bout another half hour. Mike Oh, I'll catch up with you. We'll... we'll have a right old chat. I've gotta dash. A bit of business. See you later. Eddie Ah right, yeah! Mike exits to second bar. Eddie exits to toilets. Albert Panic over the slightest little thing these days. Wouldn't have done in the war, Sid. Sid I wouldn't really know, Albert. I spent most of my time in a German prisoner of war camp. Got captured on this little island called Siros - in the Dodecanese - just off the Greek coast. Albert No chance of escape from there I suppose. Sid Well, a few of us tried it one night. Got right down to the harbour, over- powered some German sailors and nicked their boat - fast bugger it was as well. We'd almost made it to the open sea and this poxy Greek fishing trawler cut right across our path! Got fished out by the Germans and spent the rest of the war in a stalag. Albert (Indicating Sid's empty glass) Fancy another one, Sid? Sid Yeah, why not? Albert takes glass and exits to bar. INT. DAY. GENTS TOILETS OF HALFWAY HOUSE PUB. Del is washing his hands at basin. Eddie is at urinals. Del is being very fastidious about washing and drying his hands. He is just about to leave when Mike enters. Mike Oh there you are! Del. Listen, we've got a bit of a problem out in the main bar. Del Why, what's happened now? Eddie 'Ere, gotta stop meeting like this, Michael! Mike Talk about a bad penny! Del, I'd like you to meet an old mate of mine. Eddie Chambers - Del Trotter. Eddie zips his flies and shakes hands with Del. Eddie Nice to meet you, Del. Del And you, Eddie. Eddie moves to basins. Del now looks at his polluted right hand and then joins Eddie at the basins. Mike Eddie and I used to be rivals over in the East End, we had pubs almost opposite each other. Del Yeah? Eddie Yeah, except mine was better than yours. Mike You must be joking! Del, you know how I run a pub, don't you? Del Yeah, that's right. His must have been better than yours, Mike. Mike Oh thank you very much! (To Eddie) You still doing it then, Eddie? Eddie No, no, I got out the pub game years ago. I own a club now in Margate - the Mardi Gras. We do a decent meal, we gotta resident cabaret, you know, a singer, a magic act, a good comedian, I mean ... What more'd you want for a fiver? Del Well that sounds fair enough to me, Eddie. Here, we're on a beano to Margate as it happens. Here, I tell you what, I just had an idea! Mike looks at Del with an expression of, 'oh no! another scheme'. Del (Cont'd) Why don't you give us some complimentary tickets, like, you know - just to get the ball rolling - and we'll bring the rest of the coach party down to your place to pay at the door? We could pack your place out. Eddie (Gives it a moment's consideration) Yeah, I'll have some of that. Del Good man. (Winks at Mike) Eddie (Hands Mike and Del some tickets) Tell you what, look. Two for you, two for you Del. Del There you are, you see, you know it makes sense. Eddie Yeah. Maybe I'll see you later then mate. Del Yeah, see you later then Eddie. Mike Yeah... good luck. Cheers Eddie. Eddie Thank you Mike. Eddie exits. Mike (To Del) What do we want complimen- tary tickets for a night-club for, Del? We've gotta be out of Margate by seven! Del Oh look. Thank you very much. Use your brains, will you Michael? We might be able to flog 'em to the holiday-makers, eh? Make ourselves a few bob. You know what I mean? Mike Don't you ever stop? Del No. Yuppies never switch off, Michael. It's all or nothing with us! Right, now, what's this problem? Mike I think you'd better come and have look at old Harry. Del What? Hey? Cor... They exit. EXT. DAY. HALFWAY HOUSE PUB. Rodney, Mickey, Jevon and Denzil are having a very gentle kick-around with a plastic football. They're really passing the ball between them. We now see Del and Albert exit from pub and hold the double doors open for someone who is following. Harry, who appears to be paralytic, exits being supported on either side by Mike and Trigger. Boycie, Alan and Sid exit behind them. Del Alright, Harry, you'll be alright, mate. You'll be alright. Cut back to Rodney, Mickey Jevon and Denzil. Rodney Look at the state of him! Jevon And it's only eleven o' clock! Sid (To Alan, referring to Harry) This is good news, innit? Alan It's no problem. You just chuck him on the back seat, let him sleep it off. Boycie Chuck him on the back seat? He's the driver! Alan The dri... Oh bloody 'ell! Boycie, Alan and Sid join Del and Albert as Mike and Trigger help Harry towards the coach. Albert So what we gonna do now? Del I don't know yet. I mean, there's bound to be a way out of it. There's always a way. Albert Here, young Denzil's a long distance lorry driver. Boycie That's right, he could handle that coach, no problem. Alan No, he's just got a Heavy Goods Licence. To drive that coach he'd need a Public Service Licence. Sid He's got one of them an' all, he used to drive on the buses with me years ago. Del Well that's it then, innit, eh? We're saved. (Calls) Oi, Denzil! Come over here. This your lucky day. Denzil (Emphatically) No! Del No? What d'you mean, 'no'? Denzil I am not driving that coach! I've been driving all week and this is my day off! Boycie If you don't drive it we'll have to wait here until Harry sobers up. Albert And by the look of him that could take about a fort- night! Denzil Well Sid used to be on the buses, he can drive it. Sid I'd love to, Denzil, but I've had a couple of drinks. Denzil Yeah, so have I, you see. Del No you haven't. You're not allowed to drink. You're on antibiotics because of your disease. Denzil I have not got a disease! I have got an ear infection! Cut away to coach where Mike and Trigger are helping Harry up the steps. Mike Get your left foot up, Harry. Come on. Trigger What d'you think's wrong with him? Mike What do I think? Well, snow -blindness would be my bet, Trig. Trigger Yeah? I thought he was pissed. We now see two policemen sitting in a panda car about twenty or so yards away. They watch with interest as the hapless Harry is assisted into the coach. They smile to themselves as they feel a nick coming on. They alight from the panda car. We cut away to Del and co. Del, Boycie, Alan, Albert and Sid are pleading with Denzil. Denzil Alright! Alright! I'll drive it on one condition - Harry drives it home. Del Good boy, Denzil, you know it makes sense. That's it, good lad, Go on then, get on there. They move towards the coach. Rodney, Mickey and Jevon are still having a kick-about. Del, Who is now standing at the coach, calls to them. Del (Cont'd) Right, come on then you lot, come on. Let's get on board. Hurry up! Oi! You three! Get on the coach, we're ready for the off now. Rodney, give me that ball. Rodney (Throws the ball in the air) Ruud Gullit - nowhere! As the ball drops Rodney gives it a powerful volley in Del's direction. We cut away to Del. The policeman steps into shot. Policeman (To Del) Excuse me sir. The ball now smacks the policemen in the side of head knocking his hat off and sending him flying out of shot. We see Rodney's horrified reaction to this. He looks like a drunk. We see Del helping the policeman up. Del (To policeman) 'Ere, what happened? Hey? The policeman looks to where Rodney is standing. Policeman You! You’re under arrest! Rodney I couldn't help it! Del (Does gentle throwing motion) Yeah, He's right, officer. He's right. He just... He just, you know, he just 'threw' the ball back to me, like that. Policeman (To Rodney) I don't know how much you had to drink, son, but it's too much! In the car! Rodney (Does the gentle throwing motion) No, I just 'threw' the ball back at him! Policeman You can tell me all about it - at the station! The policeman is now leading Rodney towards the panda car. EXT. DAY. POLICE STATION. The coach with everyone on board except Rodney, Del and Alan, is parked outside the police station. We see Boycie at window of coach. He checks his watch and sights heavily. We now see Del, Rodney and Alan exit from station. Rodney What's Cassandra gonna say about this? Alan There's no need for Cassandra to know anything about it. Rodney And what happens when the summons arrives? Del Oh summons, what summons? They're not proceeding with the case! Rodney Del, that copper has just charged me and taken a statement ! He's keeping the ball as Exhibit A! Del He also reckoned the Chief Inspector wouldn't take it any further. They'll let you off with a warning! Rodney Yeah, but say the don't? Alan We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. I think you're in the clear, in fact I'm sure you are. Come on, let's get on the coach. Rodney Alright. Del Come on, that's the spirit, you know it makes sense. They climb on to the coach. Del (Cont'd) Right, come on then Denzil. Full ahead folks, we're off to Margate! EXT. DAY. MARGATE. Montage of traveling shots and arrival of coach in Margate. Shots on seafront, beach, funfair. EXT. DAY. JETTY. The music 'Everybody's Talking at Me' fades and we find Del and Rodney sitting on an upturned boat. It is now six in the evening and they are both looking tired and ragged. Del Phew! Ooh! Rodney Well, the coach leaves in an hour. Hasn't been a bad day though, has it? Del No, it's bin alright, bruv, it's been alright. I've really enjoyed meself... I'm feeling a bit cream- crackered now, though. I think I might have a touch of that yuppy-flu, you know. Rodney Yeah? Couldn't have some- thing to do with the lobster vindaloo and fourteen pina coladas, could it? Del Well, it might have slowed me down a bit, yeah. I went down the cemetery yesterday - put some flowers on Mum's grave. Rodney (Embarrassed) I ain't been down there lately, Del - There's... There's always something to do, you know. Del No, no, it's alright Rodders. She understands. She knows that you still think about her. Rodney Yeah,'course I do. Del Yeah, I just, you know , I was... um... I just sat there, you know, I was like chatting and that - just letting her know what's been happening ... I bet she was well pleased. Yeah. D'you know your Cassandra, she reminds me a bit of Mum, you know. Rodney (At first he has a worried expression as he thinks of Mum's reputation) Oh -good. Del She's got drive, ain't she? You know. That's one thing Mum had, yeah, Mum had a lot of drive. Rodney (Half-hearted, almost hollow praise) Yeah, Cassandra's very ambitious. Del That's good, innit? Rodney Mmmh... Nothing gets in the way of her career, no doubt about that. Del You must be well pleased. Rodney Yeah. Del 'cos she's and achiever! Rodney Yeah. Del Yeah, she's a bit like me in many ways. Rodney Yeah, I s'ppose so. Del Mm... I've always been an achiever. I've never actually achieved nothing mind you, but I've always been in with a shout. (Gestures to the sea) You know, this... this reminds me of the time me and Jumbo Mills set up a seafood stall outside the Nag's Head. "Eels on Wheels' we called it. We was gonna build empires, you know. You know, every pub in London was gonna have a seafood stall outside called Eels on Wheels ... D'you know what I said to him the night that we came up with the