Series 4 - Episode 8 - Christmas Special To Hull And Back CUSTOMS AREA. Among the passengers there is a well-dressed man carrying hand luggage. A short distance away is a well-dressed woman carrying a suitcase. Female Tannoy Announcer British Airways are pleased to announce the arrival of Flight 417 from Amsterdam. The man and the woman appear not to be together, though they share a tiny glance which indicates they know each other. As they enter the Customs area the woman's suit- case opens, spewing clothes onto the floor. She feigns a stumble. Two customs officers leave their post to give her assistance. Female Passenger Oh, I'm sorry. Male Airport Worker Are you alright madame? Female Passenger Oh, I'm sorry, I've spilled everything out of my case, I don't think the catch is working properly, I don't know what it is - thank you very much. As the customs officer assists her, the man walks through customs and out into the main airport foyer. THE NAG'S HEAD. The bar is packed. Albert is seated next to an elderly lady. They are trying to watch a film on TV depicting a black and white film about some Second World War naval battle. Rodney and Del are leaning against the bar. Del is not really listening to Rodney. Rodney So anyway, I says to her right, you know, I mean as gently as I could like I said, 'Engage- ment is a big step'. Del Yeah terrific, yeah right. Rodney I said you know, 'It's not the sort of thing you enter into very lightly'. Del No, no it isn't. Del reacts to some beer spilt on the bar which is now on his sleeve. Del (To a young rastafarian) Oh look at that. Oi, Calvin, spill your lager over this bar once more and I'll smack you right side of the bloody ear 'ole. Calvin Sorry Del man. Del This is not polyester you know, this is pure crimplene. Rodney As I was saying... Mike Have you seen Boycie Del? Del No no not recently, why? Mike Well he's looking for you, says it's urgent. Del Oh well, he knows where to find me Michael don't he eh? Knows where to find me. Rodney Now where was I? Del Hey, are you still going out with that little sort? Rodney Imogen, yeah, I'm still going out with her, that's what I've been telling you for the last ten minutes. Del Oh why, what's up then? Del calls across the bar. Del (cont'd) Hello Corrie love how are you alright? (To Rodney) Yeah, go on. Rodney She's getting a little bit too serious for my liking, and I'm trying to find a way of cooling her down a bit but I don't want to hurt her. Del All you've got to say is, you got to say, 'Imogen, you're giving me the right hump. Now go away and haunt someone else for a change!' Rodney Yeah that's pretty... Del innit? I don't believe you. Del You're too soft with her Rodney, you're too soft, that is your trouble. Look, here y'are, you get the drinks in 'cause I'm going to pop over there to do a bit of business. Rodney Vicky, can I have a pint of lager in there and what's Del drinking these days? Vicky Oh God knows, Tuesday it was a Bacardi and Russian, last week it was Grand Marnier and Orange, the week before that was Dubonnet and Coke. Rodney Oh, give us a Tia Maria and Lucozade then. Del is trying to sell a digital watch to one of his mates. Close by Albert and the elderly lady (Ruby) are still watching the war film. Del There you go look, it's fifteen quid, I can't say fairer than that - it's none of your foreign rubbish, look it's Japanese. Ted Del, I've already got a watch. Del Call that a watch? That's crap that is, that's crap. Ted You didn't say that when you sold it to me. Del No, no, Ted what I meant was, well, I mean its had it's day innit? Look, here, here, fifteen quid right, that's what I paid for it, you're getting it at cost. Ted Del, I don't fancy it. Del Alright then, for you, a tenner, as it's the last one. Ted Ten? Del Hm hm. Ted Here, it's got a scratch on the face. Del Oh don't worry about that I'll get you another one from the back of the van. Look it plays thirty-six different national anthems, it tells you what day of the week it is and it's a calculator an' all. Ted Blimey, is that the time? Del Oh no it's still set on Oriental hours innit? Get your money out, I'll be back in a tick. Back in a tick, I like it. Del Exits. Albert (Indicating battle on the TV) I was there Ruby. Ruby Where, yeah but which one were you then? Albert No, I didn't mean I was in the film, I meant I was in the battle. Ruby What battle is it? Albert God knows I can't hear a bleed- ing thing with all this monkey music. Ruby Must have taken a lot of cour- age to do what you did Albert? Albert Yeah. Ruby All them sharks and icebergs. Albert Yeah, and a giant octopus. Ruby Oh, it gives me itchy fever just thinking about it. Albert Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night screaming, nightmares about all the torpedoes, mines, kamikaze pilots - that's why I never talk about it Rube. Ruby My Harry used to wake up in the middle of the night screaming. Albert No. Ruby Yeah - sometimes he used to scream in the middle of the day. Bloody glad when they put him away I was. What did it was the tragedy that happened to our son. Harry just never got over it, he was such a lively lad, he went to school with Del Boy, they used to sit next to each other in class, Del must have mentioned it, Slater, Roy Slater. Albert Slater - don't remember Rube. Ruby No, well maybe it's still too painful for Del to talk about, he was only 18, he had all his life before him. Albert What was it a motor-cycle accident? Ruby No he, he joined the police, he's one of their top men now, he's put more people behind bars than Watneys. Del returns to the bar. Boycie and Abdul enter. Del I know it looks like...? That's why the girls...? Boycie. Boycie Can I have a quiet word? Del Yeah sure - watcha Abdul alright my son? Abdul Very well thank you. Del Hey, are you still up at that Hatton Garden are you? Abdul Yes, I am still at Hatton Garden. Could I have a word with you please? Del Yeah course you can, why not? Boycie We'll be in the back room. Del Oh, oh alright I'll just get me drink. (To Rodney) Here, I've got to do a bit of business with Boycie and Abdulla. Vicky takes Rodney's tenner and holds it up to the light. Del (cont'd) Oi, saucy mare. Vicky It's orders from the governor, there's a lot of forged money floating round. Del You didn't check his money just now. Vicky Yeah well, that's different innit? Del I'm going right off that girl - see you in a minute. Del sips his Tia Maria and Lucozade. He doesn't know what it is, but he likes it. Trigger enters. Trigger Alright Dave? Rodney Watcha Trig, how you going? Trigger Alright, I'm feeling lucky tonight, you never know I might pull so I thought I'd have a dab of Blue Stratos, put me best clothes on. Rodney Yeah, what stopped you then? Trigger These are my best clothes. Rodney Oh. A young attractive girl passes by. Trigger Hello darling, where you been all my life? Girl Piss off! Trigger I always use that line with the birds. Rodney Yeah? Why? Trigger Dunno really, it never worked. BACK ROOM OF THE NAG'S HEAD. Del, Boycie and Abdul are seated round the table. They are already in discussion. Del I see, so what sort of deal is it? Abdul I have recently made contact with a certain gentleman who runs this business in Amsterdam. Del Amsterdam - Amsterdam in Holland you mean? Boycie I told you he was the right man for the job, didn't I Abdul? Abdul My brother Sayeed has done business with him in the past. Do you know my brother lives in France now. Del No, no I didn't know that. Abdul Yes, yes, he's doing very well. Del Is he? Abdul Yeah, he's married now. Del Oh good. Abdul His wife's expecting. Boycie Get on with it Abdul for God's sake, otherwise we'll be here all bleeding night. Abdul Yes well, last week I flew to Amsterdam to see this gentleman in question, a Mr Van Cleef and after some preliminary discussions Mr Van Cleef has agreed to sell us some merchandise. Del Merchandise, what sort of mer- chandise? Boycie Diamonds. Del Diamonds? Abdul Thirty of them cut and polished blue diamonds. Boycie Top of the range Del Boy. Del Blimey, it's going to cost an arm and a leg innit? Boycie Fifty grand. Del Fifty grand, you and Abdul are weighing out fifty grand? Abdul In England they have a market value of one hundred and fifty thousand pounds. Del Bloody hell - I take it you're not going to bother to inform our friends at Customs and Excise of this little matter? Boycie No, well they're rather busy. I think they'd appreciate it. Del Really? Well anyway where do I come into all this? You're not expecting me to buy any off you are you? The thing is you know, I've had a few bad results lately and I'm potless. Boycie Leave off Del Boy, these gems sell at around five grand apiece. Abdul What we are asking you to do Derek is - is to take the money to Amsterdam for us. Del You want me to take fifty thousand pounds to Amsterdam? Boycie Yeah and... Del And what? Boycie And bring the diamonds back. Del Do you know for a minute there I thought you were serious. Boycie We are very serious Del, deadly serious. Abdul There is nothing to worry about Derek, Mr Van Cleef has completed many of these transactions and he assures us nothing ever goes wrong. Del Up your kilt. What do you think I am? A total wally or some- thing? Abdul We would look after you Derek. Del Yes, I'm sure you would. You'd visit me once a month wouldn't you eh? Bring me cakes with files in - you find yourself another mug. Boycie We'll give you ten grand. Del who was about to leave, stops at the door. He's never been offered ten grand before. He's never seen ten grand before. Del Ten thousand pounds? Abdul Alright twelve. (To Boycie) I knew he'd haggle. Boycie You berk Abdul. Alright Del twelve grand. Just think of it Del Boy twelve big 'uns - set you up a treat for the future. Abdul And there will be no problems, it will all be as easy as apple tart. Del Well if it's as easy as apple tart how come you two ain't going yourselves? Boycie Well we're both scared of fly- ing ain't we? Del Oh leave it out Boycie, Abdul's done more flying than sparrows. Abdul No, no, no, no, it would look very suspicious for me a registered Hatton Garden merchant to fly to Amsterdam too often. Del I don't know about this. Boycie Look Del, we chose you specially, we needed someone we knew, someone we could trust. Abdul Someone who was skint. Del What happens if I get caught? Boycie Well Abdul and me have done our money haven't we? Del Done your money, your money? I stand to get banged up for five years. Boycie Right Del - fifteen grand. There is a short pause. Del Not much use to you when you're locked up in the Scrubs though is it eh? Abdul We are paying you to take the risk Derek. Boycie It's a big gamble Del - and he who dares wins don’t he? 'Course if it's too big for you Del, if you think you're a bit out of your depth just say so. Del Fifteen. THE BAR OF THE NAG'S HEAD. Rodney See my problem is I don't want to hurt her, 'cause Imogen's a lovely kid you know, I mean she's gentle, she's sensitive and on top of all that she cares. Trigger I reckon she'd do a turn if you played your cards right. Rodney What's the point in discussing it with you eh Trig? We're talking on two different levels. Trigger Yeah. Del exits from the back room. Albert is still chatting with Ruby. Albert Two and a half weeks we were adrift in the middle of the Pacific Ocean - got a nice tan though. Del Come on Albert we're going home. Quick Rodney, come on, home. Rodney Well suppose I ought to be getting on really - give Imogen a ring, tell her it's all over between us. Sorry can I just get past you? Rodney pushes past some people including a kissing couple. He reaches for his coat near the kissing couple. Rodney (cont'd) Sorry. Sorry, I was just trying to...Hello Imogen. THE MARKET. Del and Rodney are unloading the van. Rodney Look, I know what you're doing, I just don't understand why? Del Mum said to me on her death- bed, she said 'Del Boy' she said. Rodney No, no, don't start on that. What do you think the odds are of you getting caught? Del Oh shut up Rodney, you've been going on about it all night. Rodney Del, you are smuggling diamonds. Del Do you think you could yell just a bit louder, 'cause there's a geezer down there at the other end of the market who didn't quite catch it all? Rodney Del, do you realise what you're getting into? Del Yes I do know what I'm getting into, fifteen grand is what I'm getting into. Look Rodney, this is not drugs or guns is it? I mean that, that sort of stuff kills people - it's only little diamonds - I try to bring down the cost of getting engaged, I thought you and Imogen would have been pleased. Rodney Yeah well, me and Imogen's finished. Del Oh so you finally told her then did you? Rodney Yeah, sort of. Del Did she cry? Rodney No, look Del smuggling diamonds is still illegal. Del It's only illegal because Boycie and Abdul ain't paying any import tax. Alright, right, supposing they pay import tax then eh? What do you think the government is going to do with that - they're only going to go out and buy another Strident missile ain't they eh? Rodney So you're telling me that smuggling diamonds is a blow for world peace? Del Every little bit helps Rodney. Rodney Well why don't you bring back a load of diamonds Del? You might end up with the Nobel Prize. Del Hadn't thought of that. Now come on Rodney we'll waltz through the customs at Gatwick, they wouldn't take any notice of us. Rodney Del, what do you know about diamonds eh, I mean to you diamonds are them things that you wear in your cufflinks and, to be quite honest with you I've seen better cats eyes. Del I don't have to know anything, Abdul's in charge of that side, we're just the couriers. Rodney Hang on a minute - what do you mean we? Del Look, you don't think I'm going to cut my little kid brother out of a deal like this do you? What sort of bloke do you think I am? Rodney Well your little kid brother don't want a cut in. Del A little while ago you said you wanted to be a courier. Rodney Yeah, for Club 18-30. Del Look, I'm going to need you on this one Rodney 'cause when that aeroplane lands you're going to be my diversion. Rodney Do you know how long I'd go away for, I've already got a record for possession of cannabis, ain't I? Del Exactly, and that is what's going to be my diversion 'cause not only is Amsterdam the centre of the diamond trade, it's also the drugs capital of Europe right? So when we go through passport control they see Rodney Trotter nipping off to Holland they're going to say, 'Oh, that little rascal he's after the old exotic stuff again'. When we come back through Customs who are they going to nab, me the sophisticated jet- setter in a camel-hair coat, or you the boomtown rat? Rodney Well they'll pull me won't they? Del So whilst you're inside being strip searched you know and all that game - me and the diamonds have been having it away down the kermit! Rodney Oh terrific, so while you're up the road jollying it up, it's touch your toes time for Rodney. Del Oh you won't come to any harm Rodney, it'll only be a minor discomfort - they'll let you go in a couple of hours and then you come home to five lovely grand - your share. Rodney Five grand? Del Five grand. Buy an awful lot of lollypops for five grand Rodney, get yourself a nice second-hand Capri, whip round to Imogens, get your old card stamped, know what I mean? Rodney I don't know, I've never actually been to Amsterdam, I suppose we could turn it into a bit of an 'oliday, eh? Del Well, yeah, I mean we'll be there at least an hour. Look come on while you're thinking about it let's try and knock some of this gear out and make some of that stuff that we read about called profit 'cause if all this falls through bruv we are right skint. As Del turns away, Denzil is seated at the wheel of a juggernaut, caught in traffic. Del Denzil my son. Denzil No. Del No what? Denzil No I don't want to buy any- thing, no I don't want to sell anything and no I don't want you to make me a millionaire! Del Innit, innit marvelous eh? Innit marvelous? You just stop to say hello to an old mate and all you get is a load of old verbal - I don't want anything Denzil honest. What you carrying? Denzil Nothing it's empty. Del Ah well, I could fill it up or you. You could earn yourself a few bob. Denzil Look, just leave me alone will you, alright? Corinne and I have just got back together again and I've had to promise her that I'd stop seeing you, stop getting drunk, stop gambling and get a steady job. Del Is it my fault you married a wrong 'un? It's no reason to give me a bolly. Hang about there for a minute, I'll be back. Denzil (To Rodney) It's everywhere I go you know, he's on the phone to me, he's at me front door, he's in the betting shop, he's in the pub and now he's in a bloody traffic jam. You know what Rodney, I get this feeling that he's haunting me, know what I mean? Rodney Yeah - yeah I know exactly what you mean. Denzil drives off as Del returns. Del Hey what's up with him, what have I done now? Rodney I can't understand it Del, I mean all you've ever done is ruin his wedding reception, almost break up his marriage, flood his kitchen and steal his two thousand pounds redundancy money, and he goes and gets all silly about it. Del Yeah. THE MARKET (PROPER). Del has the suitcase open. There are watch cases inside. Del These are Japanese and these... (Rolls his trouser leg up) ...are hairy knees. Right, now now what's the difference, I'll tell you what the differ- ence is - (Indicates his knee) These will not give you the time in all the major capital cities of the world, neither are they a calculator, nor do they play thirty-six different national anthems, but this... (Indicates a watch) ...well this is a quality timepiece of precision crafts- manship that will cost you sixty-seven pounds upwards - now, I'm not going to ask you for sixty-seven pounds oh no, I'm not going to ask you for forty-seven, I'm not asking thirty-seven pounds. Rodney Steady on Del, think of the profit margin. Del No no don't interrupt me now Rodney 'cause not while I'm in my stride, I'm not asking you for twenty-seven pounds, this is fifteen pounds for this quality watch ladies and gentlemen, that's all, this beautiful timepiece, yes ladies and gentlemen for a mere twenty quid. Woman in Crowd No no you said fifteen. Del I beg your pardon madame. Woman in Crowd You said fifteen. Del No I didn't. The Crowd Yes. Del No I didn't. Rodney He didn't say fifteen pounds. Del Hold on, hold on Rodney, no hold on, I do believe that I said fifteen pounds, I'm sorry, I must be going mad, I'm sure I said, I'm going, alright darling just to show you that I'm a man of my word, go on you can have this watch for fifteen quid, go on, steal it from me. Go on, I'm losing money on the deal, right Rodney come on, get the rest of the watches out of this suitcase, 'cause there'll be a mad rush in a minute. (To Rodney) Oh they're not going all that well are they? Rodney They're going down like savel- oys in a kibbut. Del If I could just sell one I know that the others would follow... Here just a minute I've had an idea, watch this... (To Crowd) Right here you are, listen ladies and gentlemen, listen, listen, excuse me just a moment, give us, give us your time 'cause I've just had a business discussion with my partner here on my right who informs me that we desperately need the space in the suitcase right? So what I am going to have to do, I'm going to have to give these watches away so here you go, I'm going to give them away at ten pounds each there you go, go on, ten quid, fifteen quid to the black bloke can't say fairer than that. Black Man Why can't I have it for ten pounds then? Del For ten pounds sir, course you can. Rodney take this man's money, there you go, there we've sold that one, there we go, we're off and running, there we are, come on darling, cast your bread upon the water, that's what I say, it'll come back tenfold. That's it, there you are, alright listen - give us your money, take the money. A policeman approaches. Del closes the case. Del (cont'd) Alright, listen, hang about we'll be back in five minutes alright. Del and Rodney hurry off. Del (cont'd) (To Rodney) Don't look back! They run back to the van, as they do Slater and Hoskins appear. Slater Del Boy. Del Slater. Slater Well what a coincidence, I was just saying to Hoskins I wonder how my old mate Del Boy is, weren't I Hoskins? Hoskins Eh? Oh yes sir. Slater How are you Rodney? Rodney Very well thank you Detective Inspector. Slater Chief Inspector. Rodney Sorry, I didn't know you'd been promoted. Slater Yeah about six months back - I took Hoskins with me, he's my driver. Del Oh, driver - everyone always said you'd be going places Terry. Hoskins Going places - oh yeah. Del Here I saw your mum down the Nag's Head last night Slater. Slater Yeah - she ask after me? Del No. Slater Do you fancy a cup of tea Del? Del Ah, actually Roy we're in a bit of a hurry if you don't mind. Slater I don't think you heard the question Del, I said do you fancy a cup of tea? Del Well now you come to mention it, I am a bit parched. SID'S CAFE. Del is seated opposite to Rodney at the table, the suit- case is at their feet. Slater and Hoskins are at the counter. Sid puts four teas on the counter. Sid There you go Detective Inspec- tor. Slater Chief. Sid What? Slater I'm a chief now. Slater turns to get some spoons. Sid I'll be bleeding glad when Custer arrives. Hoskins smiles and then takes the teas to the table. Del Watch what you say Rodney, that Slater's a bastard. Rodney Eh? Del I said... Del quietens as Hoskins approaches. Hoskins Watch what you say, Slater's a bastard. Rodney Yeah I remember him from the last time. Hoskins He's on the warpath now, he's retiring soon and wants to go out in a blaze of glory. Del Retiring - that's a bit early innit? Hoskins He's had no choice, it's come from the top they're forcing him out. See, a little while ago Slater persuaded this young black fella to sign a full confession to being a peeping tom - when the case gets to court it turns out he's a registered blind person - bad publicity for the police innit? Rodney What about the poor black bloke? Hoskins Oh he's not too upset they reckon he might get a record contract out of it, sh... Hoskins stops as Slater arrives. Slater There you are Hoskins, bacon sandwich for you - are you sure you didn't want nothing to eat? Del Yeah yeah, quite sure, we're not all that hungry actually Roy. Anyway, what you doing back in the parish? Thought you'd been transferred to river police. Slater No not transferred no, that was just a special assignment, I was after this little gang of diamond smugglers. Del Any luck? Slater Oh I caught them Del yes, even nabbed the ringleader, a geezer called Hendrix. They got away though, lack of evidence. Del That's a choker innit? Slater Oh, I'll have him down. Rodney What, they still doing it then? Slater How many times have you almost? Hoskins Twice. Slater Twice that's right but each time they've somehow managed to get shot of the diamonds - if you haven't got them, you've got no evidence. Del No no. Slater Between you and me Del I've heard a whisper they're trying it on again. A couple of local businessmen shall we say have put the money up and we know who they are don't we Hoskins? Hoskins Boycie and... Slater Hoskins. Hoskins Sorry sir. Slater But I don't know who the courier is, now unless I can catch the courier with the stones on him I'm knackered - this is where you come in Del. Del Me? You don't think I'm the courier do you? Slater Leave off Del, this is big - no, the way I see it is this you hear all the gossip in the clubs and the pubs, now it's no skin of your nose if you ring me with a name, after all these businessmen ain't puttin' no money your way are they? Del No. Slater You don't even have to say who's calling, make in anony- mously, and I will make life very comfortable for you, no more aggro from wooden-tops in the market. Del That's very fair of you Roy, innit? Rodney Oh yeah, very fair. Slater This is my lat case Del, I'm retiring form the Met. Del Oh. Slater The Commissioner begged me to stay but I've had enough, I want my career to end on a high note. Del Yeah, well 'course we wish you a lot of luck Slater. Slater I'll get 'em in the end Del, I never give up you see once I get my teeth into something I don't let go - do you know what they call me at the Met? Del No. Slater Bulldog. Del Oh - actually I have heard one or two people call you bulldog or words to that effect anyway. Slater That's the sort of guy I am, I never give up, so if you hear anything Del, you know my number. Well it's been nice, like old school days you and me sat at the same desk - only this time you didn't put frogspawn in me milk - you rascal. (Calls) Do you want me to pay for my breakfast Sid or what? Sid No, have it on the house Mr Slater. Slater Very nice of you Sidney, very nice indeed. You'd better pay for your breakfast Hoskins. Hoskins Thank you sir. Hoskins moves to the counter. Rodney So you don't know if this courier is a man or a woman. Slater No, I hadn't thought of that, that's very good thinking Rodney. Have you ever thought about joining the police? Rodney No, I'm ambitious. Slater Ha ha, very good - no all I know is that he or she will be flying in with the goods next week and I'll be waiting for them. Sid hands Hoskins his change. Sid There you go young Terry. Hoskins Thanks Sid. Slater and Hoskins exit. Rodney Well that's that then, innit? Del How do you mean? Rodney You can't go head with it now can you? Slater's got all the airports covered. Del He can't watch the airports twenty-four hours a day can he eh? Have to find another way of sneaking in? Del moves to the telephone on the wall. Sid You owe me thirty-two pence Del. Del Eh? No no, Mr Slater paid for ours. Sid Oh. BOYCIE'S OFFICE. Boycie is with a middle-aged couple extolling the virtues of one of his cars. Boycie Oh yes it has a full service record, taxed till the end of the month, it'll have no trouble passing its MOT. Boycie's young car-cleaner Colin exits from the office and calls. Colin Boyce someone on the phone wants you. Boycie Who is it? Colin Don't know. Boycie Would you just say that I'm rather busy with some clients at the moment please Colin? Colin He said it's something to do about diamonds. Boycie I'll be right there. (To the couple) Yes it's the new Austin Diamond coming out next year, still in the experimental stage - do excuse me Mr Biggastaff? Boycie picks up the phone. Boycie Yeah, what up? Del It's Del Boy. Listen, I've just had a very interesting conversation with Chief Inspector Slater, you know bullshit of the yard. Boycie Slater? What's he want? Del He knows. Boycie How? Del Look, I don't know do I? He's got more grasses than Fisons. Boycie Well how much does he know? Del Well he knows...He knows that you and Abdul have put the money up. Boycie I don't believe it. Well, we can't pull out now Del, Abdul's just made all the arrangements with Van Cleef. Del Alright, alright listen, don't panic, don't panic - he doesn't know who the courier is, that's what he was pumping me about so I'm the last bloke he suspects. Boycie Yeah well, it's alright for you I've still got fifty grand in my house, if Slater comes sniff-ing around how am I going to explain that away. No - we've got to meet tonight, I'll give you the money and Abdul can make the final arrangements. Del Right, where shall we meet, your place? Boycie You must be joking, my house might be under surveillance, we can't meet at Abdul's either for the same reason. Del How about my flat? Boycie You don't honestly think I'm going to walk across your estate with fifty grand on me do you? Del You've got a point. What about the Nag's Head? Boycie Leave off, he knows that's our local - anyway we can't meet in any public places, he sees the three of us together he's got he full story. We've got to come up with somewhere dark and secluded, somewhere where we can lock the doors and be on our own and nobody will be able to se us. Del I know just the place. Boycie Yeah, where? THE BACK OF DENZIL'S TRAILER. Boycie and Abdul are in the back. Boycie carries a suit- case. Boycie The back of Denzil's bleeding lorry, I mean what a place to hold a meeting. Abdul Personally I think it's a good idea - as Derek said this is the last place Slater would think of looking. Boycie Yeah but I'm going to get grease stains on my coat, I am going to look a right mess. I mean what has Denzil had in here? Smells like rotten fish. Abdul Oh, stop your whining Boycie, you're like an old woman at times. LORRY PARK. The three-wheeled van pulls in to park and halts fifty yards away from the juggernaut. Del alight. He spots Boycie's Mercedes. Del Right they're here - about five minutes. Spot any danger give us a signal, right? Rodney Oi, what's the signal then? Del You what? Rodney Shall I beep the hooter? Del No you wally, that'll attract all sorts of unwanted attention wouldn't it, eh? Rodney Well shall I flash the light? Del How are we going to see flash- ing lights when we're in the back of a ruddy trailer? Rodney Alright then, so what's the signal? Del Can you make a sound like an owl? Rodney An owl sound? Del Yes you know like this? Del makes a owl impression. Rodney Oh that? Del Yeah. Rodney No. Del Oh. Rodney I can do bunny shadows though. Del Enough of your bloody sarcasm Rodney, just think of a signal - back in a minute. Del moves towards the trailer. BACK OF DENZIL'S TRAILER. Abdul You don't think Slater suspects anything else do you? Boycie No, if he'd suspected that he'd have been round with a search warrant by now. Del 'Ello 'elo 'ello, what are you doing in here then? Boycie Get in here for God's sake will you? Del Cor, it don't half hum in here don't it? Alright Abdul, got everything sorted out? Abdul Yes the arrangements have all been made. Boycie Of all the places on earth, why in God's name do we have to meet in the back of a stinking lorry? Del Oh dear - look around you, can you think of a better place eh? Look, no prying eyes, no plain clothes coppers, nobody knows we're in here. Boycie What, do you mean Denzil don't know? Del Course he don't, leave it out, he'd go diddley - no apart from Rodney out there in a van we're the only three people in the world who know we're in here. SLATER'S OFFICE. Slater is on the phone. Hoskins is putting some files away. Slater Alright, alright, leave it to me. Slater replaces the receiver. He takes his coat. Slater (cont'd) Get your coat and a uniformed officer Hoskins. Hoskins Where are we off to sir? Slater Transport Cafe in Soweto Road, one of the neighbours reported seeing three men breaking into a lorry. Hoskins Righto sir. Parker, geta car morning about the date, the round to the front. BACK OF DENZIL'S TRAILER. Abdul I spoke to Mr Van Cleef this morning about the date, the venue and the time of the exchange and you must be very clear about these matters Derek, so listen carefully. The exchange will take place this coming Friday at twelve noon. Del Twelve noon right. Abdul That's right - now here is the address in Amsterdam, memorize it and then destroy it. Del Doesn't self destruct then? Boycie Be serious Del, please. Friday at twelve right. Del Alright, alright - got it. Abdul My cousin, Hussein, will meet you in Van Cleef's office. Del Your cousin - stone me Abdul your family get everywhere don't they, got a brother in France, cousin in Holland. Sure you ain't got no one out in outer Mongolia? Abdul A very distant uncle, but we never talk about it. My cousin is also a diamond merchant, he will be there to check the merchandise. Boycie Don't want you coming back with a load of Mickey Mouse gear, do we Del Boy? Del Watch it Boycie, my mum gave me them. Boycie Oh. Del Sh...it's alright, so come on where's the money, where's the money? Boycie hands Del the briefcase. Boycie There's fifty grand there Del Boy, please be careful with it. Del Trust me Boycie. Boycie Of course we trust you. Del What's the combination to this? Boycie When you get to Van Cleef's office you phone me and then I'll give the combination. Del Oh that's terrific, that's a great deal of trust that is, innit eh? Abdul One thing we forgot to men- tion, the most important thing of all, if anything should go wrong, nothing can go wrong, but if it should, you never heard of us. Del Terrific - that means I'm up on offer don't it eh? Boycie That's what we're paying you fifteen grand for. Del Alright, alright don't worry, won't be no comebacks. What about the expenses for these aeroplane tickets? Abdul Tickets!? You only need one Derek. Del No, I'm taking my kid brother with me. Boycie Taking Rodney, what is this a bloody outing? Del No - Rodney is going to be my diversion for when I come back through the Customs - look, it's going to be hard enough with Slater and the 7th Cavalry ferreted about amongst all the duty frees, don't make it any harder. Abdul Very well we will pay the expenses, it's alright. Boycie Don't lump 'em up too much though. Del No, alright. Boycie Right, I'm off. Del Are you? I wondered what the smell was. Alright. Abdul Right we'll see you next Friday when you return - good luck Derek. Boycie Best of luck Del Boy. Del And you. Boycie Give us a minute to get clear. LORRY PARK Rodney is in the van reading a magazine. He sees Boycie and Abdul jump down from the trailer and get into Boycie's Mercedes. They drive off, just as a Panda car roars into the park. Slater Park down there. Hoskins check over the back there. The three check beneath the lorries. Rodney gently winds the window down. He cups his hands together and does his best impression of an owl hoot. It sounds more like a ruptured seagull. Parker What was that sir? Slater Don't know, sounded like a crow. Rodney (Offended) Crow!? BACK OF DENZIL'S TRAILER. Del moves to the trailer door. He sees the blue flashing light on the Panda car. Del Oh my God! Oh God, they'll throw the bloody key away. Del closes the door quickly. LORRY PARK. Slater Go on get on with it or we'll never get home tonight. Parker Not yet sir. Slater gestures towards the trailer. Slater Hoskins, Parker. Hoskins' torch fall on the trailer's open latch. Hoskins This looks promising sir. Slater Take over Hoskins. Hoskins Alright parker. Parker Me? Parker pulls the door open. He shines his torch into the empty trailer. Apart from some tarpaulin, the trailer is empty. Hoskins What is that? Parker I don't know but whatever it is, it's been dead for a fortnight. Slater Right, we'll have a quick shufti over the back then we'll call it a night. He slams the latch into the locked position. Slater (cont'd) Some of these lorry drivers invite crime don't they? They exit. In the trailer Del hurls the tarpaulin back - a great cloud of cigar smoke billows out. Del is coughing and gasping for air. He staggers to the trailer door only to find it is locked tight. Rodney is still in the van. He reacts as Denzil, ghetto blaster playing, exits from the cafe and approaches the juggernaut. Rodney can see both Denzil and the police. Rodney (Hisses) Denzil, Denzil, Denzil. Denzil climbs into the cab. Del is trying to force the doors as the engine starts. Del Denzil, Denzil, Denzil, wait I'm in here. Is that you? Denzil you plonker. The juggernaut moves off. Rodney is desperately trying to start the van. Rodney Oh come on please, please, I'll clean ya, I'll clean ya. It starts and Rodney sets off in pursuit. Denzil has the radio blaring and is blissfully unaware of what is happening. Del is swaying in the back. Del Denzil, Denzil this is your friend speaking - I'll do you when I get hold of you. SLATER'S OFFICE. Slater and Hoskins enter. Slater Bloody hoax phone calls, my last station I had to put up with jokers. Get to your desk Hoskins, might have had some new reports. Hoskins No, nothing yet sir. Slater I want a watch put on Boycie and Abdul, I want to know everywhere they go, everything they do - got to make their move soon. Who's the courier Hoskins? I know who's putting the money up, what they're buying and who from but I don't know who's bringing it in. Hoskins Bound to be local sir. Slater Oh yeah wouldn't go far out- side the parish, got to have someone they can trust - but who? Hoskins It's a mystery sir - no one's behaving in an unusual manner, well no more unusual than normal - everyone's just carrying on the same. Slater Except the Trotters - went round the estate their van's missing, toured the area, no sign of it. Policeman Maybe it's been nicked sir. Slater Nicked? If someone's nicked that three-wheel van of theirs we've got a dangerous maniac on our hands. Ha ha ha. Policeman Take your point sir. Slater Something's just struck me Hoskins, maybe we've been underestimating Del Boy. All these years he may have been fooling us with his 9 carat gold and his wide-awake suits, I mean Del Boy's well acquainted with the ways of this world - he knows all the wrinkles, he invented a lot of them himself, and his soppy brother has got GCEs. Hoskins What are you trying to say sir? Slater What I'm saying is Hoskins, maybe them two's more intelli- gent than we've given them credit for, yeah, it's all beginning to fit. The Dutch firm are the suppliers, Boycie and Abdul are the money men and the Trotters are the brains. Hoskins You could be right sir. Slater I was only joking Hoskins, for God's sake ain't you got no sense of humour? Hoskins Sorry sir. BACK OF DENZIL'S TRAILER. Del, exhausted and sweating and being flung about, is banging with both fists on the trailer's walls. Del Denzil, Denzil, Denzil...? A motorway sign indicates 'The North.' The juggernaut roars past. Shortly after the van passes. In the cab of the lorry Denzil places a cigarette in his mouth. There is a distant muffled sound - Del shouting. The cigarette falls from Denzil's mouth. The haunting has now begun. He switches the radio back on. The van passes the motorway sign, backfiring. The juggernaut crosses the Humber Bridge. Denzil pulls up at a toll booth. Man at Toll Bridge Cheers. He drives off. The van crosses the bridge. It draws to a halt at a toll booth. Man at Toll Bridge That's a pound. Rodney What? Man at Toll Bridge I said that's a pound. Rodney I've got 75 pence. Man at Toll Bridge Well that's not a pound is it? Rodney Oh no, but this has only three wheels. The man at Toll Bridge indicates a silhouette of a car on a sign. Man at Toll Bridge That's only got two but it's still a pound. Rodney finds the coins and hands it to the attendant. Man at Toll Bridge (cont'd) By the way be careful where you dump that thing will you? Rodney Funny innit? I'm laughing, look. Rodney drives off. THE DOCKSIDE CAFE. Denzil's lorry is parked outside. Inside, weary from his night's drive, Denzil rests his head on his hands. Lil, the woman who runs the cafe, approaches the table. Lil There's your tea Denzil. Denzil Ta. Lil Don't you want that breakfast? Denzil Course I do, just a bit drowsy that's all. Lil You've been overworking love, I've seen it before with your lorry drivers trying to work 25 hours a day. I know the money is good lovely, but you'll get no overtime in the mortuary. Denzil I'm always like this after a night drive. Lil You're looking very tired lovely, you're dark round the eyes. Denzil I'm dark around everywhere Lil. Listen, don't you worry about me, I'm a big, strong lad you know, I'll prove it to you. Lil I'm not talking about physical illness, there's no knowing what lack of sleep and over- work does to the brain. I've seen it happen to them lovely. Denzil Seen what happen? Lil Young fit men, went to pieces, started hearing things and seeing things - you slow down lovely, or you'll go the same way. Denzil thinks about her words then shrugs them off. As he picks up a mouthful of food the yellow van drives slowly past the window. Denzil sees the van in the mirror. He looks around but the van is gone. CAFE CAR PARK. Rodney has pulled in behind the juggernaut. He opens the trailer door. Del is crumpled up asleep at the front of the trailer. Del wakes. Rodney Del. Del Is that you Rodney? Rodney Yeah, it's me. Del I knew you'd come and save me, you're a saint Rodders, oh, you're a 42-carat saint. Rodney Come on, let's get you out of here. Del Thank you, oh, oh - it's been a nightmare Rodney, a bloody nightmare. Camp on Blood Island was a doddle compared with that. Rodney Look, do you want something to eat or a cup of tea? Del No. It's alright, we ain't got time for all that, we've got to get the aeroplane tickets and the lot ain't we eh? Come on let's go, come on Rodney, come on. Del looks around at the ships, the sea etc. He looks alarmed. Del (cont'd) Where the bloody hell am I? Rodney Hull. Del Oh. Hull - what Hull in what's its name? Rodney Yorkshire, yeah. Del What the bloody hell am I doing in Hull? Rodney Well this is where Denzil brought you innit? He's most probably got a load to pick up. Del That bloody half-head Denzil, I'll get him, just see if I