ONLY FOALS AND HORSES
1974 A Trotter Odyssey
WRITTEN BY TRISS ARNOLD
BASED ON ONLY FOOLS AND HORSES BY JOHN SULLIVAN
INT: TROTTERS LOUNGE. EVENING (18:00) . STUDIO
The flat seems pretty much the same as in the first episode Big Brother. Boxes litter the lounge, the two chairs and sofa are in their usual place, Grandad’s two TV’s are also there.
Grandad is sitting in his usual chair in his pyjamas watching mastermind on one of the TVs.
Magnus Magnusson’s voice off screen asking a question “where did King John sign the Magna Carter?”
Gd
Brazil
We hear the contestants voice in the background saying Runneymede. Del walks in
from the kitchen, he’s dress smartly but a little to flamboyant wide collar etc.. he looks about 27. He looks at Grandad and shakes his head with a slight smile.
Del
I don’t know why you bother trying to
answer those questions Grandad, everyone
knows that the Magna Carta wasn’t signed
in Brazil.
Gd
Well where was it signed then?
Del
At the bottom.(LAUGHS)
Gd
Who’s bottom?
Del
What do you mean who’s bottom?
Gd
Well didn’t they have a desk to lean
on or sumfink.
Del
You dozy old git, it was meant to be a joke….
Del sighs and looks towards the bedroom.
Del
(SHOUTING) Come on Rodney,
your gonna be late for your youth club,
and I’ve gotta meet Monkey Harris
down the Nags Head about some
business, so shift your backside
you plonker!
Rod
(O.O.V FROM BEDROOM SHOUTING)
I’m not coming.
Del
(SHOUTING) What do you mean
your not coming?
Rod
(O.O.V SHOUTING) Im not coming.
Del
(SHOUTING) You’ll miss the start
of the disco and end up dancing
with a right bow-wow.
Rod
(O.O.V SHOUTING) I don’t care
I’m not going out like this.
Del
(SHOUTING) Don’t be daft Rodney,
stop shouting and come out here
before Mrs Cooper downstairs starts
banging on the ceiling with her broom again.
A door slams out of view, then the door to the bedrooms is pulled violently open Rodney stomps out into the lounge, he is 11 but very tall and rangy he is wearing a flower-power shirt lurid pink with little red poppies covering it with a large collar. His face is covered in red angry spots. He looks at Del moodily.
Rod
(WHINING VOICE) I can’t go to the
disco looking like this! Look at me!
I look like a right wally.
Del
What do you mean, you look ok to me,
you look like a young David Niven
(looks to Grandad) he looks like a
young David Niven don’t he grandad?
In the background again we hear Magnus’s Voice who won The Oscar for best actor
in the motion picture Lilies of the Field In 1963?
Gd
(LOOKING AT TV) Sidney Potter.
Again In the background again we hear contestants voice saying Sidney Poitier.
Del
There you go Rodney you look great,
especially in that beautiful new shirt
I got you, pure nylon that is none of
your silk rubbish.
Rod
It’s ‘orrible Del, I look like a right
dipstick with this on, every time I walk
on carpet my hair stands up, and if you
hadn’t noticed my face looks like a dot
to dot book, Mickey Pearce will kill
himself laughing at me.
Del
Theirs nothing wrong with your
boat race…, that a paper bag wouldn’t
cure….(DEL AND GRANDAD
SMIRKS UNTIL A LOOK FROM
RODNEY STOPS THEM) Anyway
that Mickey Pearce is a bit to fly
by half in my books, if he gives
you any lip tell him I’ll come down
to that youth club and give him a
clump round the earhole. Well alright
then, if you really don’t want to go
I’ll be off..Oh.. Grandad give Rodney
some of that pudding before he goes
to bed, alright?
Gd
(STILL WATCHING TV)
Rumplestiltskin.
Del
What?…what are you going on about
you dozy old git?
Gd
(TURNING TO DEL) Sorry Del-boy,
what did you say?
Del
I said you deaf old sod, give Rodney
some of that pudding in the fridge
before he goes to bed, alright?
And make sure he’s done his
homework.
Gd
Yeah alright Del-boy, (to Rodney)
what ‘s your homework tonight Rodney?
Rod
Natural History.
Del
What you mean instead of un-natural
history?
Rod
(SIGHS) Its about Animals Del.
Del
Oh yeah what like Lions and Tigers
and Rhinos and fings? What kind of
animals are you studying then?
Rod
(UNDER HIS BREATH) Leopards.
Del
(GIGGLES WHILE SPEAKING)
Sorry Rodney I didn’t quite catch that.
Rod
(LOUDER) Leopards!
Del
What you mean the ones with stripes?
Rod
(FRUSTRATED) No the ones with bloody
spots Del.
Del
(FAKE SHOCK) Behave yourself Rodney,
what would Mum say if she could hear
you talking like that?
Gd
She’d be upset Rodney, you haven’t been
brought up to talk like that.
Rod
What do you mean I haven’t been brought
up to speak like that? All I ever hear is
language like that…
Del
Mickey Pearce isn’t the only one going to
be getting a dough boy around the lughole if
you carry on like that Rodney!
Rod
Yeah, OK sorry Del, .
Del
That’s better.
Gd
You’re a good boy Rodney your Mum
would be proud of you.
Rod
(TO GRANDAD BRIGHTLY)
So what’ve I got for Pudding then.
Gd
Spotted Dick!
Del and Grandad starts laughing again Rodney pulls a right face.
Del leaves the flat.
CUT TO:
EXT: OUTSIDE THE NAG’S HEAD EVENING /DUSK(18:30). FILM
We see the Trotters Van coming into the Pub car park it looks almost new, it pulls up
and stops outside and Del gets out. As he walks into the pub we see a road sweepers
cart up against the wall.
CUT TO:
INT: THE NAG’S HEAD EVENING /DUSK (18:32) STUDIO
The Nag’s Head is the same as in 1st episode maybe a large Watney’s Red Barrel sign
somewhere, a few people are milling around In the early evening. David Essex is
playing in the background. Del walks in and sees Trigger at the bar. He is leaning
against the Bar with a half of bitter in a dimple mug he’s wearing a Donkey Jacket
and Wellies.
Del
Alright Trig, how’s your luck pal.
Trig
Hows it going Del-boy? Not too bad
got myself a new job today.
Del
(To barmaid) Hello sweetheart,
I’ll have a pint of Watney’s in a
straight glass, a half of whatever
Trigs poisoning himself with
today and one for yourself.
Del gets his drink takes a sip pulls a
face and turns to the barmaid.
Del
Er Kate come here.
She ignores him.
Del
(LOUDER) Oi Kate, come here.
Kate the barmaid walks over a pretty girl about 27 years Old, longish dark brown hair
and a nice smile.
Kate
(SMILE) Yeah what is it Del-boy.
Del
Has the brewery fixed the plumbing in
the toilet yet?
Kate
Whaddya mean? We haven’t had any
problems with the plumbing.
Del
(HOLDING UP PINT) Oh? So why
does this taste like the pump’s
connected to the gents then?
Kate pulls a sarcastic face and walks off to serve someone else.
Del
So Trig what’s this about a new job
then?
Del looks at Trigs clothes.
Trig
(STARTS PREENING)
Yep start on Monday.
Del
Really? So what is it then, MP?
Lord Mayor? Brain Surgeon?
Trig
(OBLIVIOUS TO MICKEY TAKING)
No nothing like that Del-boy
(PROUDLY) I’m going to be a
He pulls out a piece of paper and starts to read struggling with the words
Trig
(CONT) external…refuse… reclamation..
operative with manual…apparatus…and
vehicular…assistance! They said I would
be the public face of the department.
Del
That’s great Trig, but what does a
external refuse reclamation thingy
with manual apparatus and vehicular
assistance do exactly?
Trig
Well to be honest Del-boy, I don’t really
know I’m a bit confused, the man at the
council depot gave me a this Donkey
Jacket and Wellies, seems a bit strange
for someone with such a important job!
Trig turns around to show his jacket
to Del on the back in large letters are
the words PECKHAM BOROUGH
COUNCIL STREET CLEANING DEPT.
Del
(STARES IN AMAZEMENT) Bloody hell
Trig, you’re a road sweeper!
Trig
(DEADPAN) Oh…I wondered why
he gave me this broom then,
(takes a broom from behind him and
shows it to Del) and that dustcart in the
car park
Del
Gordon Bennett Trig where were
you when they were handing the brains
out eh, behind the door? I mean didn’t your
Grandad Arthur used to take you out on his round
when you were a sprog?
Trig
Yeah, but I was only three weeks old and he used to
keep me in the cart so I couldn’t see much.
At this moment Monkey Harris walks in. A typical villain wearing a camel hair coat
lots of jewellery sunglasses etc…
Monk
(LOUD AND BRASH) Del-boy,
Trigger how’re you doing boys,
(TO KATE) I’ll have a Vodka Martini
with Tomato Juice please darling,
Oh and a umbrella, (Del is obviously
impressed by this) So Del-boy have
I got a deal for you my son, make
you and me a few sheckles it will.
Del
(SLIGHT ANNOYANCE)
Oh yeah Monk? Like those Space
Hoppers you sold me last month?
(TURNS TO TRIG) Get this Trig,
you know those kids toys the ones
what look like a great big orange
ball with handles that kiddies
sit on and bounce around on?
Trig
Yeah I bought one remember.
Del
(CONT..) Well Monk here sells me
a gross of the things right.
Didn’t tell me though that they
were faulty did he? (MONK GRINS)
Had all these parents bringing
them back complaining about them.
Turns out the valve where you blow
them out was leaky every time
the little buggers bounced on them
they sounded like terminal baked bean
addict!
Trig
Oh right, I’d better cancel that doctors
appointment then.
Del
Whys that then Trig?
Trig
Well I thought I’d burst something
when I was bouncing on that hopper thing.
Monk
Del-boy, Del-boy How was I to know
about that? I bought them in good faith
from the Driscoll Brothers and I wasn’t
about to go back to them and ask for
my money back now was I? Anyway
come over here I’ve got this deal…
Del follows Monk over to one of the small round tables and sits Down opposite Monk.
Monk
(LEANING TOWARDS DEL)
You know they are putting in North sea gas
supplies in the area at the moment?
Del
Yeah, its been in the Peckham Echo
recently so what?
Monk
Well I’ve got a mate who works for the
gas board see? And he’s managed to
supply me with 80 do-it-yourself
gas conversion kits.
Now these aren’t going on sale
until early next year, but you could
flog them off down the market earn yourself
a fortune.
Del
Ere are these Hooky?
Monk
Nah, Del he’s not nicked them yet.
Anyway they retail at Fifteen quid each
but you can have them for a tenner each!
Del
A tenner? You must be joking!. three quid each.
Monk
Seven.
Del
Four.
Monk
Six.
Del
Fiver each, sale or return.
Monk
Go on then, Fiver each sale or return.
I’ll give you a bell next week when he’s
got them .
Del
Lovely Jubbly we’ll store them my warehouse.
Monk
You mean your garage?
Del
Yeah that’s what I said my warehouse!
CUT TO:
EXT: TOWER OF LONDON. DAY (11:30) FILM
1970’s typical fashion of the day flares etc…We can Del dressed smartly, but a little too loudly. He has an old-fashioned box brownie camera slung around his neck on a strap. A large cardboard sign at his feet says TROTTERS OFFICIAL LONDON TOWER PHOTOS – HAVE YOUR PHOTO TAKEN WITH THE FAMOUS CROWS – ONLY A POUND A GO
Del
Come on now ladies and gentlemen,
how about a picture of yourself at
the famous tower of London. Only a
pound a go! he looks around picking
a man out of the passing crowd,
Come on sir how about a picture
with the famous Crows of old London
Tower only a pound!
As Del is making his spiel a man in Black Overcoat And Trilby Hat walking towards
Del with his hand pointing towards him.(same positioning as Lee Harvey Oswald &
Jack Ruby)
Man
(AGGRESSIVE) Where’s my picture?
You took it a month ago and I haven’t
seen it yet!
Del
Yeah, alright mate hold onto your hat.
Look I sent you the photo in the post,
I must have got lost. Look I’ll send you
another one, you can’t say fairer than that.
Man
Ok then, just make sure you do or I’ll be back.
Del
(SMILES) No problem, Lovely Jubbly .
A pretty girl walks past looking at Del and the man. Del spots her his eyes stand out
and makes a beeline straight to her.
Del
Hello Darling how’d you like
your photo taken with the world famous
Crows of London Tower? Only a
pound. or duo pesta as they say in the
dudoine. He smiles at the girl who
smiles shyly back suppressing a giggle.
Girl
(TEXAN ACCENT) Well I don’t really know…
Del interrupts
Del
(SMILING) Come on sweetheart it’s only
a pound, you know it makes sense!
Girl
Well ok, it would be nice to have a photograph
to take home..
Del
Lovely jubbly,.
Girl
(PUZZLED) What?
Del
Hmmm? Well come on… oh! I’m sorry
my name is Del that’s short for Derek,
so what’s your name then?
Girl
Oh.. well if you insist its Billy-Joe Ewing
Del
Billy-Joe? Do you know that’s my most
favourite name in the whole world.
Bj
Really? That’s nice. I would like my
photograph taken with a Beefeater.
Del
What you mean down the Wimpy Burger Bar?
Bj
Sorry? I mean one of those men over there
Bj points to a Beefeater in the distance, Del looks worried he knows he is not meant to
be there taking photos.
Del
Erm.. Ok come with me
Del leads Bj near to the Beefeater who is looking the other way.
Del
Ok then sweetheart go and stand
over by him and I’ll take your photo.
Bj walks over to the Beefeater and stands next to him. The Beefeater however is
facing the other way talking to a couple of Tourists, Bj looks at the Beefeater then
back to Del, her face is downcast maybe sensing that she wont get the photo she
wants. Del looks at her face and comes to a decision.
Del
(BREATHES DEEPLY AND SHOUTS )
Oy sunshine one of yer crows legs ave
fallen off!!
The Beefeater swings round towards the sound spotting Del taking the photo.
BE
(SHOUTING AT DEL) Oy I told you last
time to clear off!
Del grabs his sign and runs off towards the exit.
CUT TO:
EXT: OUTSIDE GATE OF TOWER OF LONDON. DAY. (11:45) FILM
Del is leaning against the wall outside the Tower panting hard he lifts the camera and
looks at it.
Del
That would have been a lovely photo,
shame theirs no film in the camera!
Bj walks through the gate upto Del and looks at his sign.
Bj
I take it you are not a official photographer
of the London Tower Crows then?
Del
You could say that darling, So where are
you from then what with the funny accent
and all that?
Bj
Texas.
Del
What, the do-it-yourself place?
Bj
(PUZZLED) America.
Del
America? Oh right, I’ve always wanted
to go to America. I love them gangster films.
So what are you doing in merry old
London then?
Bj
I’m here with Daddy, he’s on business,
and I thought I would go and see the sights.
But this is the only place I have been able
to find.
Del
Mon Deiu! Why don’t I show you around
I know London like the back of my hand,
all the great places the Royal Albert Hall,
Buckingham Palace, White City
dog track.
Bj
Well I would like to see all those places.
Del
Cushty, come on then lets go.
Cut scene Film. Various places of interest around London, Del and Bj enjoying the
sights at Buck House, Westminster, White City. Del losing at the dog track tearing up
bet slip
CUT TO:
EXT PARK LAKE. DAY (17:30) FILM
Del and Bj are on a lake in pedello shaped like a swan Del is eating a iced lolly shaped like a rocket ship. Bj is looking across the lake, Del is staring at Bj.
We see Del’s hand move towards his trouser pocket he takes out a ring box, opens it and we see a diamond ring inside, he then closes ot and hides it behind his back.
Del
(LICKS LOLLY) Billy-Joe…I was
thinking…we’ve known each other
for five days now and I know its soon
but I think I’ve…well I mean…
I think I’ve fal…
Bj
(LOOKING ACROSS LAKE) Hmmm?
Del
(PANIC ) Oh nothing nothing…
He quickly puts the ring box back in his pocket.
Del
So what do you feel like doing now?
I thought we could take a drive down
the coast to Margate of something like that?
Bj
(SAD TONE IN VOICE) Yes.. that
would be nice…Del..(bites lip)
She starts to say something but stops as if the words are to hard to say.
Del
(CONT…) Then I thought we could come
back and go to this place I’ve joined
called the One Eleven Club, it’s a new
gambling joint, its really nice they do
Chicken in a Basket!
Bj appears not to have noticed, she has a faraway look on her face. Del finally
noticing her, stops pedalling and stares for a few seconds with a slightly worried look
on his face.
Del
(DEJECTED) Of course if you’d rather not….
Bj
(LOOKING AT DEL) Del….
Del
Yes sweetheart?
Bj
Oh..Nothing, I’m sorry I didn’t catch what
you said. My mind was on other things….
Actually I feel a bit tired. Would you mind
if you took me back to my hotel?
Del
(PUT OUT THEN SMILES)
Course not sweetheart.
Del starts pedalling Bj joins in.
Del
Come on lets get you back to the van.
They make it to the jetty and get out, they walk slowly back to the van. into the sunset
along the path, as their silhouettes go into the distance Bj’s hand move across and take
Del’s hand. Cutting to their faces Bj looks across to Del and smiles, Del smiles back.
Bj
You know Del, I don’t think I have ever
met anyone quite like you before.
Del
(FLATTERED) Really well I…
Bj
(INTERRUPTS) When I first saw you
standing at the Tower of London with that
sign and your camera. It was like….well it
reminded me of the day John F Kennedy
was shot!
Del
(SHOCKED) What you mean you felt
really sad??
Bj
No silly, I..well I don’t really know
their was something about the way you
stood their with talking with that man
pointing at you.
Del
Oh, anyway if your feeling a bit tired
how about you coming round to my
flat tomorrow afternoon? I could get us
some grub in and we can sit and have a
lazy afternoon on the sofa listening to some
records?
Bj
Oh I can’t tomorrow Derek, Daddy left
a message for me at the hotel he wants to
see me at 2 o’clock tomorrow.
Del looks crestfallen, Bj notices.
Bj
I can make Sunday though
Del’s face lights up
Del
Triffic! (HOLDS LOLLY UP TO BJ)
Would you like a lick on my Space Rocket?
CUT TO:
INT: TROTTERS LOUNGE. EVENING (20:30) . STUDIO
Grandad is sitting at the telly, the volume is quite high Rodney is up the table doing his homework in his pyjamas, Del is talking on the phone. with his free hand against his free ear
Del
(INTO PHONE) You what Monk…?
sorry mate I can’t hear you!…hang on
a minute..(TO GRANDAD) Grandad
turn the telly down.
Gd
(GETTING UP TO TURN TV DOWN)
Sorry Del Boy.
Del
(INTO PHONE) That’s better,
sorry Monk what did you say?
(LISTENS TO PHONE)
No that’s fine mate I’ll get Rodney
to meet you at our warehouse in the
morning..Yes the Garage!…Hmm?…
Well I was meant to be going to the
One Eleven Club tonight….
Oh ok I’ll meet you in their
about ten then. Ok Monk see you
later pal, bye…
Del puts the phone down turns round and rubs his hands together
Del
Lovely Jubbly…Rodney I’ve got a
little job for you in the morning
my son.
Rod
I’m not doing it.
Del
What do you mean your not doing it?
Rod
What ever it is I’m not doing it. I’ve got
school in the morning.
Del
Don’t worry it’ll only be a few minutes,
I need you to meet Monkey Harris
at the…Garage at 7 tomorrow morning.
Rod
Is it hooky?
Del
Course it’s not. I’ve got some
Gas Conversion kits off Monkey,
and he’s going to drop them off
in the morning. Just remember
Rodney it’s Friday tomorrow
which is?
Rod
Pocket money day.
Del
That’s right Rodney and if you want
any bunce in your bin you get your
backside down the garage at 7
tomorrow morning, gottit?
Rod
Ok Del.
Del
Good boy Rodney, you know
it makes sense.
Del goes over and ruffles Rodney’s hair. He freezes his hand lifts it and pulls a face,
then walks over to Grandad sitting in his chair engrossed by the telly gently lifts the
end of his scarf and cleans his hand on it. He smiles mischievously then walks back
over to Rodney and looks over his shoulder at his homework.
Del
Still doing your spotty cat homework then?
Rod
Leave it out Del.
Del
What? I’m only taking a interest in
my kid brothers schoolwork.
You’re a touchy little git ain’t yer.
Mind you can’t really call you little
any more can we? I mean Rodney how
old are you now eleven? Your
taller than me and Grandad! And
don’t get me started on shoes
You go through more shoes than a horse.
Rod
I can’t help that can I, I mean it’s
not my fault I keep growing is it?
Del
So come on then, what are you
writing about then?
Rod
(SIGHS) I’ve got to write about a
film we’ve seen lately.
Del
Oh yeah? What film are you writing
about then? (TO GRANDAD) Grandad?
What was that film you took Rodney
to see last week down the Odeon?
Gd
That one about all them dogs wannit
Rodney? I can’t remember the name
though. What was it called Rodney?
Rodney looks down at his home work and covers it with his arm
Rod
I can’t remember either Grandad.
Del
What do you mean you can’t remember?
You’ve been writing about it for the
last half hour! Come on Rodders
what’s the Film called?
Rod
(QUIETLY) 101 Dalmatians Del.
Del
(HIDES SNIGGER) Oh right .
Anyway Its about time you went
to bed inn’it? It is a school night,
and you have to be up early in
the morning.
Rodney looks up at Del brightly not believing he got away without any comments
about spots
Rod
(BRIGHT) Yeah alright Del, G’night Del
G’night Grandad.
Rodney tidies up his homework and gets up from behind the table as he walks round
we see his pyjama bottoms and sleeves are 3-4 inches too short. Del looks at Rodney.
Del
Dear me Rodney, it’s no good were
going to have to stop putting
compost in your shoes.
Rod
(SARCASTIC) Thanks Del thanks a lot.
Del
That’s alright my son, oh and Rodney?
Rodney turns around to look at Del.
Del
(CONT.) If a woman comes around
here tonight asking If I want to sell you
for a nice Black and White polka dot spotty coat.
What should I say?
Rod
Shut up Del!
Rodney walks through the door to the bedrooms and slams it hard. Del starts to react
but is stopped by Grandad.
Gd
Leave him alone Del, you’ve been
on his back all week, ever since he
got the Chickenpox, Give him a break.
Del goes to sit down in the chair next to Grandad.
Del
Yeah I suppose your right, I’ll see if I
can’t do something to cheer him up
this weekend…
Gd
That’s nice Del-boy.
Del
By the way Grandad can you bugger off out
on Sunday afternoon for a few hours?
Gd
Whys that Del?
Del
Just because that’s why, well can you?
Gd
Well as it happens I was going out
Sunday anyway.
Del
Oh yeah? Where are you going then?
Grandad looks a bit shifty
Gd
Never you mind Del-boy.
Del
(JOKEY) Who is she then, some young
dolly bird down the Legion?
Grandad looks even more shifty. Del looks at Grandad and raises His eyebrows.
Del
You dirty old goat! Come on who is
she then?…ere its not that old bird
I saw you walking through the market
with last week wassit? You know the
one with the dodgy syrup and the
Zimmer frame?
Gd
(INDIGNATION) She hasn’t got a dodgy
wig Del. Gawd you have to push don’t
yer, I was a old friend of her late
husband Arthur, but me and Arthur
had a little misunderstanding and me
and Alice didn’t see each other for years.
if you must know it was the first time
I’d seen her since her husband Arthur died,
we bumped into each other a couple of
months ago, and sometimes meet up
for a cuppa and a chat that’s all, alright?
Del
Gordon Bennett, I only asked. Whats
wrong with everyone today? Anyway
when are you going out on Sunday?
Gd
I’m going round hers for Sunday
lunch at 12 o’clock.
Del
Good. Cos I’m bringing a bird round
for afternoon tea on Sunday and I don’t
want you nausing it up for me
sitting their rattling your false teeth!
Gd
(LAUGHS) who’s this one then?
Girl off the estate?
Del
(EARNEST) You know something?
I think she is the one, I mean she’s lovely
Grandad, she’s got long beautiful hair,
lovely figure and she’s kind and funny
and nice and everything…
Not like the usual old dogs you get round here.
Gd
Oh ain’t she from around here Del?
Del
(PROUD) No Grandad she’s from America!
Gd
(LOUD) A bloody YANK?
Del
What? Whats wrong with that?
Gd
Bleedin Yanks, coming over here
during the war showing off, giving
all the girls money and chocolate.
Bunch of bigheads they were, all
that (BAD AMERICAN ACCENT)
“howdy” and “yee haws” swanning
around the place like they owned it,
weren’t bothered that we’d been fightin
the war on our own for years. Thought
they were the bees knees, that they
could save the world and take our women.
Del
Whaddya mean we’d been fighting?
The closest you got to the war was hiding
down the underground when the sirens went off!
Gd
Just cause I wasn’t over their being shot
up by the jerries, don’t mean the people
left back at home didn’t have it hard.
We’d sit in the Anderson shelter at the
bottom of the garden, you know,
the one you used to play in when you
were a nipper. (DEL NODS)
Bombs raining down all around,
some falling not forty feet away.
One day me and your Great-Gran
had just come out of the shelter after a raid,
we went back into the house and into the
front room. I looked out of the window
and saw a Jerry Fighter Plane flyin’ down
the street it’s machine guns shooting
up the road, people were running
everywhere, little children, women
with babies in their arms running
for their lives. It looked like it
was coming straight for us, I dived
under the table next to my Mum and
she turned round and looked at me, do you
know what she said? (Del SHAKES HIS HEAD)
She said it’s the bloody rent man wants last months rent!
Grandad and Del laughs gently.
Gd
(CONT) Anyway I was in the ARP
on watch duty at night we would patrol
around getting people to turn off lights,
climbing up on the factory roofs on fire watch
for the incendiary bombs which fell down
in their thousands with buckets of sand,
cause water you see, water could make
them explode so we had to use sand.
One time I was on the roof of the
R Whites Ginger Beer Factory when the Jerry
bombers went over, I just managed to get off
when this bleeding great bomb went
through the roof at other end of the factory,
If I hadn’t been a bit lively I would have been killed!
Del
What you mean you were on the roof
putting out the Incendiaries on Fire watch?
Gd
Nah I was trying to get in to nick some
Ginger Beer for a Party I was going to that night.
Del rolls his eyes upwards
Del
You soppy old git.
Gd
So their I was running down the
road as fast as my legs would carry
me the sky was blood red and all
I could hear was pop, pop, pop, pop,
all around me. I thought oh my god
the Germans are machine gunning me now!
Del
Were they?
Gd
Nah it was the factory which had caught
fire and the pop bottles were going off!
Grandad leans back in his chair holds his sides and laughs. Del is silent with
amazement staring at Grandad as if he was a old wrinkled alien from another world.
Gd
Y’know Del during the war that I used to
well buy and sell things like you do now.
Del
Yeah course I do, it was you who got
me started when Dad upped and left on his toes.
Gd
Well, I was doing alright, ducking
and diving y’know? Helping people
getting stuff that was rationed.
Del
Like scotch and petrol coupons?
Gd
Yeah things like that. Anyway,
the yanks turn up two years later,
acting like they owned the place,
dishing out all these things to the girls,
turning their heads, knackered my
business it did.
Del
Yeah but Grandad that was then, Billy-Joe
wasn’t even born then, it was nearly
thirty years ago.
Gd
I know I’ve still got three hundred pairs of
nylon stockings sitting on top of my wardrobe
since 1944!
Del
(RELIEVED) Thank god for that!
Gd
What do you mean thank god for that?
Del
Well I saw them stockings on your
wardrobe a couple of years ago…
and I thought…well I thought…
Grandad looks suspiciously at Del.
Gd
What did you think?
Del
Well I thought you were a bit funny
you know a…wossit someone who
likes wimmin’s cloths, a transistor!
Gd
Whats a bloody transistor when it’s at home?
Del
You know a Tranny!
Grandad crosses his arms grumpily.
Del
Come on I was only joking, I didn’t think
you were one of them nuftas really. so,
who’s this delectable young lady
you’re going round on Sunday?
Gd
Like I said she’s a old friends widow.
Del
Yeah but whats her name then?
Gd
Alice, Alice Ball.
Del
Ball…Ball that names familiar, (PAUSES)
Oh well I’d better get my arse moving
if Im gonna meet Monk at the club.
Del gets up from the chair walks over to the front door and puts on his coat,
Del
Ok I’ll see you later Grandad.
Gd
Yeah, see yer later Del-boy.
Del Exits
CUT TO:
INT: ONE ELEVEN CLUB. EVENING (21:45) . STUDIO
All similarities to the Richardson’s’ ‘Two Eleven Club’ are purely coincidental. Unlike
Monte Carlo the emphasis here is on card games and one-armed bandits as opposed to
roulette. Also the only people wearing evening suits, save for Del, are the bouncers
who all look as if they have just finished government training schemes to become
jury-nobblers.
The clientele is varied. We have the obvious heavies in their two and three-piece
traditional suits. The women reflect their men’s tastes which are usually hot and spicy
and come in tin foil containers. There are more breasts and thighs on show than on
Sainsbury’s poultry counter.
The decor is chandeliers, crystal-effect table lamps, etc and the furnishings are
similar, Georgian chairs, a chaise longue or two. As with any licensed gaming
premises the members play with plastic chips. We have the large main ‘playing area’
(of which we will see little – just a glimpse of a card game or whatever is
necessary to give the atmosphere of a gaming club).
We come on a card table where Del is sitting. He is wearing his evening suit and satin
bow tie. The croupier deals him two cards. © John Sullivan Monkey Harris walks into
the club goes up to the bar and chats to a large man standing up at the bar.
Del looks at the two cards in his hand a 9 and a Queen
Del
He who dares wins, Twist.
The Croupier deals him a 7
Del looks at the croupier with a look of resignation. Monkey Harris approaches Del
and looks over his shoulder.
Monk
Gawd If I was getting cards like that I’d shoot
myself.
Del
Tell me about it Monk y’know if I fell in a
bag of Tits tonight I’d probably come out
sucking my thumb.
Monk
Knowing your luck you’d probably
miss the bag altogether, anyway you
got that dopy kid brother to meet me
at you “warehouse” tomorrow?
Del
Oi watch it you, that’s my family
your talking about.
Monk
Ok Del keep your shirt on, by the way
talking about shirts how did you get
on selling them hippy shirts I sold you.
Del
Their not shifting at the moment, I’ve
even got that dopy kid brother of mine
wearing one all the time to advertise them,
but now he’s gone and got those Randolph’s
all over his boatrace its like trying to sell
yellow snow to a Eskimo.
Monk
Don’t you worry Del they’ll shift
soon enough summers just around
the corner, punters will snap them up.
Del
Yeah course they will, anyway these
gas conversion kits when you’ve
dropped them off I’ll take them around
the estates and start shifting them see
if we can’t make a few bob.
Monk
Don’t bother with that new Mountbatten
Estate though.
Del
Why’s that?
Monk
Its all electric not a gas fire among them.
Del
Oh yeah course it is, right them I’m off,
I’ll see you later Monk. 7 in the morning
for them Kits I’ll make the little plonker
ready. See ya later Monk.
Monk
Stay lucky Del-boy
Del Exits
CUT TO:
EXT. The One Eleven Club Night (00.10) Film
Del walks out of the club towards his car
Sunglasses Ron
(SHOUTS) Del ..Ere.. Del-boy over here.
Del looks round seeing a shadowy figure standing next to a Jag, its Sunglasses Ron who can best be described as Mike Reid in full Eastenders Mode.
The hat, the camelhair coat and of course the sunglasses which look like they are a pair of Elton Johns cast-offs
Del
Allo Ron, how’re you doing?
Del looks at the Jag.
Del
Cor nice motor Ron, doing alright for
yourself then?
Sr
Not bad Derek not bad, can’t complain.
I hear you and Monkey Harris are doing
a bit of business together.
Del
Yeah that’s right selling some Gas
Conversion kits, why you interested?
Sr
As it happens Del I am. Gotta mate
who’s the new foreman on a job restoring
some terraces down Stretford, and
Monkey mentioned that you pair of
scallywags have got 80 of them kits
and I thought I might take a few off
your hands.
Del
Nice one Ron, how many can I put
you down for?
Sr
Tell you what Del I’ll take 30 off yer
hands at, oh a tenner each. And I may
take another 30 in a week or so.
That’ll leave you 20 to hawk around
this area, sound good?
Del
Lovely Jubbly I can pop them round
on Monday if you want.
Sr
Good man, I’ll see yer on Monday Del,
Stay lucky.
Sunglasses Ron get into Jag and drives off, Del stands in the carpark grinning and starts to walk slowly to the van.
Del
Well you can’t complain about that.
Now where am I going to shift the
other 20?
Del pauses and stop walking his face lights up.
Del
Rodney! Yeah Rodney that’ll get him
out of the flat for a while.
He continues walking to the van chuckling.
CUT TO:
INT: Trotters Lounge. Morning (08:00) . Studio
Grandad is sitting in his chair eating breakfast in his pyjamas, you can hear the test card music in the background. Del and Rodney are standing facing each other. Del is wearing a Silk Kimono type Dressing gown Very loud and Vulgar. Rodney is wearing too small Dan Dare pyjamas.
Del
Rodney put that lovely shirt on.
Rod
Don’t make me wear it Del, please!
Del
Look I want you to make a good
impression when your selling them kits,
alright? And that shirt will put the
punters at their ease.
Gd
Put them off their Sunday lunch
more like.
Del
(TO GRANDAD) Shut up and eat
your breakfast.
Rod
See Del, that’s whats going to happen.
Their not going to want to buy them
kits if I keep making them feel sick am I?
Del
Don’t be daft Rodney, you look fantastic
a real cool dude.
Rod
Really?
Del
Yeah course you do, you get down that
Mountbatten Estate with those kits and
you’ll knock them bandy. This time next
year we’ll be millionaires!
Rod
The Mountbatten Estate? That’s miles
away! How am I meant to get 20 of
those down there?
Del
Don’t worry young Rodders, don’ t
you worry. I’ve sorted you out some
transport.
Rod
Really?
Del
Yeah, theirs a wheelbarrow down
Grandad’s allotment you can use.
Rod
A wheelbarrow?
Del
Yeah I know great inn’it?
I look after you don’t I my son?
Del starts to raise his hand to ruffle Rodney’s hair but decides against it.
Rod
You must be joking!
Del
Course not, Do you know what
Mum said to me on her deathbed?
Rod
I bet it didn’t have anything to do
about wheelbarrows.
Del stares at Rodney
Del
She said Rodney, she said “Look after
Rodney Del, he’s growing so fast.
I worry about his little back it seems
unnaturally long. Make sure he looks
after it, don’t let him lift anything too
heavy, it’ll snap like a twig.
Rod
My back is not unnaturally long!
Del looks up and down at Rodney.
Del
No, course its not Rodney, I mean
how many eleven year olds bump
into light bulbs
Rod
Leave it out Del, anyway why have
I got to traipse around the Mountbatten
Estate shoving a wheelbarrow full
of those kits, on a Sunday?
Del
There’s a very good reason for that
Rodders,
Rod
Wot?
Del,
(AGGRESSIVE) Because if you don’t
I’ll whack you so hard round the lughole
all those spots will end up on one side
of your face my son.
Rod
(NERVOUS) Fair enough.
Del
(APOLOGETICALLY) Look Rodders
we’ve all gotta pull our weight around here,
I’m out all hours trying to earn a few quid, Grandad…
Del looks at Grandad sitting staring like a zombie at the telly mouth open with his spoon full of porridge frozen halfway to his mouth.
Del
(CONT) Well Grandad keeps the chairs
warm. And you Rodney have to do your
bit as well, so that’s why your going
out to sell those kits.
Rod
(GUILTY) Ok Del, I’ll do my best,
Del
(PROUD) Good boy, Good boy
(HUGS RODNEY) you know it makes sense.
Now get out their and make us a fortune!
Rod
(ENTHUSIASTIC)
Right Del I will, you can count on me!
Rodney dashes out of the front door. Del stands there watching the
door.
Del
One-Two-Three-Fo..
Rodney walks back in looking shamefaced heading to the bedroom area.
Rod
I better get dressed first!
Del
What a 42 carat plonker he really is.
CUT TO:
EXT: Modern Housing Estate . Day . (11:00) . Film
CUTSCENE Rodney standing on numerous doorsteps having doors slammed in his face the last one has him receiving a vase of water and flowers full-face.
A damp Rodney is sitting on the wheelbarrow which is still full of kits looking despondent he’s eating a Mars bar he sighs and gets up and walks to a front door then knocks. The door opens to find a large man standing in a vest and boxer shorts.
Man
(AGGRESSIVE)
What the hell do you want?
Rod
(NERVOUS) Err..I…Um..Well
(HOLDING UP AND READING
FROM A PIECE OF PAPER)
Good Morning Sir, We at Trotters
Independent Traders are offering
you the opportunity to purchase a
brand new gas conversion kit
at just ten pounds.
The man stares at Rodney.
Man
Your selling gas conversion kits
around here?
Rod
Yeah only a tenner do you want one?
Man
Thank god for that, I thought you were
trying to sell me that shirt!
The man laughs and closes the door
Rod
Git.
He walks down the path to the next house and knocks on the door, a older woman opens the door.
Woman
Yes love what can I do for you?
Is it bob-a-job week already?
She stops and stares at Rodney, Rodney starts to look uneasy
Woman
Do you feel alright dear? You don’t
look to well,
Rod
I’m fine.
Woman
Oh ok, well you can start by cleaning our
windows if you like.
Rod
What? No I’m not a boy scout!
I’m selling gas conversion kits.
Woman
Oh, I see, well I don’t know about
that kind of thing, you’d better speak
to my son (TURNS TO INSIDE
HOUSE SHOUTING) AUBREY,
AUBREY THEIRS A SPOTTY KID WITH
A ORRIBLE SHIRT ON THE DOORSTEP
TRYING TO SELL SOMETHING.
After a few seconds Boycie appears on the doorstep
Boycie
(TO HIS MUM) What the hell are
you shouting about? I was on the
phone about that crappy Cortina I
bought last month. I put into
auction yesterday, the bleedin exhausts
fallen off. When I get hold of that D…
Boycie spots Rodney.
(TO ROD) What do you want…
Oh ain’t you Trotter’s Kid Brother?
Rod
Yeah, alright Boycie? Having problems
with one of your cars?
Boycie
Never you mind, What on earths wrong
with your face? You look like you
lost a fight in a pizza shop.
Rod
I’ve got chicken pox.
Boycie
Lovely, Del’s sending lepers round
peoples houses now. What next,
plague victims with knocked off
watches? (LAUGHS). Dear me
that shirts not doing you any favours
either, I can’t tell where your face
ends and your shirt starts (LAUGHS).
Rod
Thanks Boycie, how’s Marlene?
Del mentioned that none of the
boys down the pub had seen her lately?
Boycie
Less of you lip, So what load of old
crap is Del trying to flog off this week?
A Left Handed Screwdriver? Tartan Paint?
Rod
Funny thing Boycie, I may have just the
thing your looking for….
CUT TO:
INT: Trotters Lounge. Afternoon/ Day. (15:00) . Studio
Del walks in with Bj following,
Del
Come in, come in. Here let me take your coat.
Del take coat and puts it away.
Del
Take a seat,
Bj stands in the doorway looking around the flat with a unsure look on her face. She walks in and perches herself on the edge of one of the dining table chairs.
Del
Would you like a drink?
Bj
Erm thank you.
Del exits into the kitchen we hear the kettle being filled.
Del
(O.O.V) Are you hungry cos I’ve been
out and got us a cake,
(DRAMATIC) It’s a Victoria Sponge!
Bj
(LOOKING AROUND) That’s nice Derek.
Del
(O.O.V) Cushty.
Del
(O.O.V) So did you enjoy the Nags head Sunday
Dinner?
Bj
Yes it was very nice, thank you for taking me,
I didn’t realise that OAP Lunch was rhyming
slang for Posh Nosh and bubble and squeak
was French cuisine.
Del
(O.O.V) Yeah, not many people know that
Bj
Del?
Del
(O.O.V) Yes sweetheart?
Bj
Oh nothing
Del enters from Kitchen carrying a tray overflowing with a teapot in a cosy,
cups, saucers, a enormous Victoria Sponge. He puts the tray on the table and sits down.
Del
Here we go.
(STARTS PUTTING CUPS ETC. OUT)
Shall I be Mother?
Bj
What?
Del waves the teapot around sloshing some tea over the table.
Del
Oh Bollo….(COUGHS)
Del continues making tea.
Del
So, I was wondering, I mean, you know
over the last week we’ve spent a lot of
time together.
Bj
(SMILES) Yes we have, I don’t think
I have ever had such a nice time.
Del looks up at Bj with a look of elation.
Del
Me either, its bee triffic, any way
I thought, well I thought as we get along
so well together that maybe, if you like…
Bj
What is it Del?
Del puts down teapot, pushes his chair back and goes down on one knee in front of Bj and looks up in her eyes with a nervous look.
Del
Would you do me the very great honour
of becoming my fiancé?
He looks up at her smiling. Bj’s eyes start to fill.
Bj
(SAD) Oh Derek I can’t.
Del’s face drops his eyes turn into windows of despair
Del
(CHOKED) What? Why?
Bj
I’ve been trying to tell you for a
couple of days Del, but I’ve had such
a lovely time this last week I couldn’t
bring myself to tell you.
Del slowly gets up and sits down on
his chair.
Bj
(CONT) You see Del I’m going home
tomorrow.
Del
What? Tomorrow? Why I mean you’ve
only been here a few days why’re you
going back so soon?
Bj
Daddy’s finished his business here and
he needs to fly back home.
Del
So why can’t you stay for a little while
longer?
Bj
I can’t Del, you see I didn’t tell you that
Daddy is a Oil Magnate.
Del
A Oil Magnate Isn’t that a car engine part?
Bj
(GENTLE SMILE) Oh Derek, that’s what
I love about you, your so funny.
I mean he owns a oil business back in Texas.
She reaches over to touch his face, Del takes her hand and lowers it gently to the table still holding on.
Del
(BITTER) Yeah that’s me inn’it funny
Del-boy good old Del-boy , So what’s
Daddy being a Oil Magnate gotta do with
you going home and us not getting engaged?
Bj
Well back home I’ve got someone waiting
for me, who Daddy wants me to marry
Del
(PAUSES) (ANGRY) I see,
He stands up dropping her hand and walks over to Grandad’s empty chair.
Del
So you’ve been stringing me along?
Playing me for a right chump I mean
why didn’t you tell me?
Bj
I didn’t Del, you have to believe me.
Del
You saw me standing there at the Tower
and thought I know he looks a right idiot
I’ll get him to take me around.
Bj
NO!
Del
Course you did, Cor Blimey I really am a right
plonker to have fallen for that one.
Bj
It wasn’t like that Derek, look please sit
down I can explain.
Del
I don’t really want to hear it sweetheart.
Its about time you went back to Daddy inn’it?
Bj gets up and stands by the door to the hallway.
Bj
I’m sorry Derek, I really do love you
If I could I would stay here with you.
Del
Course you would, I mean who wouldn’t,
Why live the high life in some big mansion
in America havin fancy parties and shin digs
with the international jet set when you
could be down the Nyerere Estate
chippy getting a nice bit of Haddock and chips?
Bj
Its not like that Derek, Its not that like at all.
Del stands looking at Bj not moving
Bj
Good bye Derek, I’ll miss you
Bj turns to walk out the door takes one last look back at Del. Del loos back sadness etched on his face. Eye contact is made a tear rolls down Bj’s face.
Bj
(MOUTH’S SILENTLY) I love you.
She turns and walks out the flat, closing the door behind her.
Del stands staring at the door.
Del
(MOUTH’S SILENTLY) I love you too.
CUT TO:
INT: Trotters Lounge. Evening/ Night. (19:30) . Studio
Lightning flickers across window and rain gushes down the panes. Del is sitting in his chair, the record player is quietly playing old shep.
The door from hall bursts open and Rodney fills the doorway. He is wet, drenched, soaked to the skin. His flower power shirt is ruined the red from the poppies has run over his white trousers.
Del
Alright?
Rod
What?
Del
I said, alright?
Rod
Triffic!
Del
What’s it like out?
Rod
There’s a few spots of rain in the air!
Del
Oh, how’d you get on with those kits?
Rod
Don’t talk to me about those kits,
I didn’t sell one.
Del
Wot not one?
Rod
No not one!
Del
Never mind, Sunglasses Ron called a little
while ago and bought the rest off us.
Rod
You mean I’ve been dragging myself
around the Mountbatten Estate all day,
without any dinner or tea, pushing that
wheelbarrow, which incidentally has a
buckled wheel I’ve felt sea sick all
afternoon cos of that. For nuthin?.
Del
Yeah.
Rod
You..!!
Del
OY OY OY Rodney I’ve told you about
your language before.
Rodney sits down on the chair looks down at his ruined shirt and smiles Del walks through the door leading to the bedrooms.
Rod
At least I won’t have to wear this
soppy shirt anymore!
Del enters from bedroom area, carrying a towel. He throws it at Rodney.
Del
So you didn’t sell one of those kits then?
Rod
(GRINS) Oh year I nearly forgot.
I went round Boyce’s I didn’t know
he lived over there.
Del
Yeah, moved in about six months ago,
ever since he started doing well shifting
them rubbish motors.
Rod
Yeah, I heard him talking about one of
them on the phone when I was on his
doorstep, seems like he had a Cortina
down the auction with a knackered exhaust.
Del
That sounds about right for Boycie,
mind you I did forget to tell him the
exhaust was going when I sold it to him
last month!
Rod
That’s alright Del, Boycies managed to get
himself one of those exhaust repair things.
And went down there to fix it.
Del
Really, But he don’t know nuffink about cars only
how to sell em!
Rod
I know that’s why I sold him one of those kits.
They laugh.
CUT TO TITLES
THE END
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