Only Fools and Horses » Scripts

Only Fools and Horses Jokes

admin — Mon, 21 Jun 2010 12:20:23 +0000

Only Fools and Horses Jokes you missed the first time round

Last week UKPA reported that David Jason revealed some occasions when he felt a one liner would fail while making Only Fools and Horses

In detail Sir David Jason explained a particular example of a Del Boy joke that fell flat while he was filming Only Fools And Horses.

UKPA reports “The veteran actor said he had raised his doubts about the line to writer John Sullivan, but that John had insisted the studio audience would find it funny. He said: “I had to say to Rodney or somebody, ‘I was so worried that my old April was pouting like a guddun’ and I said to John Sullivan, ‘what is that?’ He said ‘it’s modern day Cockney rhyming slang’. So I said ‘what does it mean?’ He said ‘well, my old April, April in Paris, Harris, Aristotle, Bottle, Bottle and Glass, A**e.’ So I said ‘John that’ll never get a laugh’, he said, ‘yeah it will, they’ll all know it’. So there in front of an audience I said ‘I was so worried that my old April was pouting like a guddun’ and the audience were completely silent. John Sullivan, he was up in the box, he laughed. But that was just one moment I’ve never forgotten because it did absolutely stop the show, it stopped me and I did warn him. Everybody had to say, ‘what did it mean?’”

There have been a few that take some explanation, but for me that’s the beauty of the script

Let us know any you found took a little work to understand.

Barratts housing advert Joke makes sense now

Here is one you may need a little help with….

Friday 14th http://www.ofah.net/blog/friday-the-14th/

If you don’t remember a Barratts housing advert in the eighties then the joke about a helicopter going over will make little sense….barratt
There is the sound of a helicopter passing over. Del looks from the window, closing his eyes with relief.

Chief: Is that a police helicopter?

Del: No, you’re alight. (A quick thought) It’s Barratts!!

Forging Ahead part 8

admin — Thu, 08 Apr 2010 12:54:10 +0000

Forging Ahead part 8

FORGING AHEAD by Jimmy Connerly (based on an idea by Rico)

…continued
Scene Four Ext. Nelson Mandella House, not long after.

Del, Rodney, Trigger and Grandad all exit Nelson Mandella House, walking towards the car-parking area.

Grandad: Say he don’t tell us.
Rodney: Yeah, we don’t even know if he’ll see us. And how shall we bring it up?
Del: Leave it to me, I’ll get it out of him.

The four continue to walk.

Del: We’ll carefully word the questions, let him know that we know. He knows how much money’s at stake so I’d reckon he’d weigh it up. Just let me do the talking. I’ll let him know he’ll get a cut, he knows we won’t con him. He’s crafty but he ain’t stupid, I reckon he’ll be as good as gold so long as we…….
Rodney: (Pulls at Del’s lapel) Del-boy!

Del looks up, they have got to where the van was parked. Del looks at the scene aghast. The back of the van has been forced open. Two interior ‘plastic panels’ have been ripped out and are hanging outside of the van. Boxes of ‘handy ghandi’s litter the floor. Del stands in stunned silence. Del looks at Rodney.

Del: He knew where it was all the time.
Rodney: Well he did as soon as he knew we still had the van.
Del: He’d have banked on it being moved years ago. I bet he couldn’t have believed his luck!
Rodney: That’s why dad never had the opportunity last year. You had the van most of the time while you were keeping out of his way.
Del: I always wondered why Inky agreed to do the lettering for nothing.

Trigger holds and looks at one of the panels and nods, it looks familiar to him. He pulls it back slightly and looks behind it. He reaches his hand in gingerly and pulls out a pound note.

Trigger: Look, he left one behind!
Del: (Forlorn) Oh good. And there was me thinking he’d got away with the lot!

THE END

Back to the first part

Forging Ahead part 7

admin — Wed, 07 Apr 2010 12:52:48 +0000

Forging Ahead part 7

FORGING AHEAD by Jimmy Connerly (based on an idea by Rico)

scene 3 continued
Grandad: Do you reckon we’ll find it Del?
Del: Where do we start?
Grandad: P’raps if I went and saw Reggie? He might confide in me, I am his father Del-boy.
Del: No, save your effort Grandad, he’d know Rodney and me sent you.
Rodney: I still don’t get why he couldn’t get the money last Christmas if he knew where it was.
Trigger: Too tricky, Brian said.
Rodney: Not tricky, no. Didn’t get the opportunity he said. And they were dad’s words, what did he mean by that?
Del: I wouldn’t knock yourself out over it Rodney, dad lies so much it’s hard to know what to believe and what not.
Rodney: Gotta feel sorry for Inky though.
Del: Sorry for Inky? What about us?
Rodney: We ain’t got nothing to do with this Del, even dad was only a fence.
Del: Launderer!
Rodney: Fence, Launderer, no difference. It was Inky’s skill that got the money in the first place. We’re just vultures scavenging off a rotting carcass.
Del: Oh shut up Tinkerbell. You didn’t even know him. Inky was loaded long before this caper came along.
Trigger: No need to feel sorry for Inky Dave, he used to own a great big house up the Kings Avenue. His house was next door to Boycie.
Del: There you go Rodney, whatever has happened to Inky, at least he’s got better neighbours now.
Rodney: Blimey, all that money from forgery!
Del: Get off, forgery! That was just a hobby with Inky. He made all his money in the print.
Rodney: Get off!
Grandad: No, it’s true Rodney, he was a sign-writer.
Del: Yeah, sign-writing, lettering. It was Inky that did the New York, Paris and Peckham on the side of the van.
Rodney: He made all that money doing signs?
Del: Yeah, straight. Landed a whopping contract with IBM when computers first started to get big. Designed and made all their logos for the city. Huge contract.
Trigger: Floors and Ceilings!
Rodney: Eh?
Del: What’s up Trig? Are you stocktaking?
Trigger: No, I mean Inky, it weren’t just the sign writing. He organised all the false floors and ceilings for IBM. And walls.
Del: False ceilings, floors and walls? This is IBM Trig, not MI5!
Trigger: It was to tidy up all the computer cables Del. Like a plastic wall to keep them all out of sight and not in the way. Inky got me and Monkey Harris to install a load for them about then.
Del: What, you did all the computer cabling for IBM?
Rodney: No wonder Amstrad and Apple are going so well these days!
Trigger: No, I didn’t do the cabling Dave, our job was just to house the cables behind the false walls and floors and that. It was like a plastic paneling really.
Del: Bloody hell. Are we going to concentrate on where this money’s got to or are we just going to discuss Trigger’s C.V. all day?
Trigger: I think you’re getting me mixed up with Denzil there Del-boy, he’s got one in the cab of his lorry.
Rodney: No Trig, C.V.! Not C.B.! Your Curriculum Vitae!
Trigger: (None the wiser) Oh!
Del: Don’t worry about it Rodney, I don’t think he ‘copies’!

Del shakes his head. Trigger looks confused. Rodney seems to hit on an idea.

Rodney: Hang on, false ceilings and floors!
Del: What about them now?
Rodney: Well the money, you know.
Grandad: What?
Rodney: Well say Inky put in a false floor somewhere right. On some job he was doing. Where better to hide a wad of cash?
Del: Good thinking Rodders!
Grandad: So how comes only Reggie knows where the money is then? And who’d hide money in someone else’s business? What would they do when they wanted to get it out again? Say, “Excuse me, hope you don’t mind but we want to dig your floor up again.”?
Rodney: Oh yeah, I’d not though of that.
Del: You plonker Rodney!
Rodney: No, hang on it doesn’t have to be a business does it. He could install a false ceiling or a wall in his own home. Or even at a relative’s.
Grandad: That still doesn’t explain why dad’s the only one who knows where the money is.

Rodney thinks.

Rodney: Unless….
Del: Go on then, I’ll buy it, unless what?
Rodney: Unless the money’s somewhere else!
Del: Blimey, how do you do it Poirot? Bloody hell Rodney, it’s obvious it’s somewhere else!
Trigger: Like where?
Rodney: How about this flat?
Grandad: You reckon it might be here?
Del: Leave it out Rodney, if you poked so much as a nail in the ceiling or floor you’d be in with the neighbours.
Rodney: OK then, what about the walls?
Del: No, them walls are too thin!
Rodney: Not too thin to hold a few wads of notes Del.

Del thinks, considering the idea. He goes to the nearest wall to him and raps the it lightly with his knuckles.

Del: It’s hollow!
Grandad: (Excited) That bit is. What about the rest of the walls?
Del: But say we’re wrong? We can’t go knocking the walls down just on the off chance all the cash is behind it.
Rodney: But say it is behind there. We can’t just leave it not knowing.
Del: Hang on, hang on. Brian just said he was off to see Inky didn’t he.
Rodney: And?
Del: So I say we pay dad a visit. Ask him if he had any interesting decoration schemes in the latter sixties! I don’t know about you lot but I reckon that should make a good discussion!
Grandad: Yeah, it’s worth a try Del-boy.
Del: It was your idea about the walls Trigger, I reckon we count you in.
Trigger: (Gives a thumbs up) I’m with you Del. I’m doing my flat up soon. I could do with some DIY tips.

All react.

On to final part 8

Forging Ahead part 6

admin — Tue, 06 Apr 2010 12:51:34 +0000

Forging Ahead part 6

FORGING AHEAD by Jimmy Connerly (based on an idea by Rico)

…continued
Scene Three Presently – Int. The Trotters Flat, not long after.

Grandad is in his Armchair, the others are all around the table but Del in standing over Grandad.

Del: Come on Grandad, you must have heard something.
Grandad: Sorry Del-boy, I don’t remember nothing.
Brian: Don’t worry Del, it was a long shot – it was worth the try. Perhaps we should leave it?
Del: What? With sixty grand just lying about somewhere.
Grandad: Can’t you remember anything Del? You were more in with you dad then.
Del: No, not about that time Grandad, don’t you remember, me and Sunglasses Ron were ticket touting all through the World cup.
Rodney: Really! I don’t remember that. Did you get tickets for the final?
Trigger: Yeah, not half Dave. It was thanks to Del I got tickets.
Del: Anything for a mate Trig.
Trigger: Eight bob each or two for a quid. Best pound I ever spent.
Rodney: Hang on a minute, wouldn’t it have been cheaper to…
Del: ….we’re not here to talk about nineteen bleedin’ sixty six world cup Rodney. Not unless Dad and Inky buried the lot in Geoff Hurst back garden!
Grandad: ‘ere, you did alright out of those tout tickets didn’t you Del.
Del: Gordon Bennett!
Trigger: Weren’t he the goal-keeper?
Rodney: No! That was Banks.
Del: And on the subject of banks can we get back to the matter in hand? Namely the money from the bank!
Brian: Yeah, sixty grand, still can’t believe it! Our dad’s were on a fortune!
Del: Yeah! Not that ours let on at the time. Nor since, the mean old tightwad. It was me that was still putting the dinner on the table every week. It was me that brought the brand new trade vehicle. And all that time he was sitting on a fortune!
Grandad: What brand new trade vehicle?
Del: The van.
Rodney: Bloody hell Del, you brought that brand new!
Del: August 66 Rodney it’s a D reg.
Brian: You’ve still got the van then?
Del: Yeah! Still going strong. I only keep it for sentimental reasons these days!

Rodney and Grandad smile.

Del: I wanted to get a new Triumph stag, originally, only dad pleaded poor and said
we’d need a working vehicle. Said we could appeal to the world….New York…Paris…Peckham! I should have just kept the money and gone to New York, I had enough.
Trigger: Yeah, but you always looked after your family Del.
Del: (Smiles and shrugs) Yeah, you’re right Trig, it just dad that makes me mad. Fancy making me do all that when he was sitting on top of sixty big ones.
Brian: Well, thirty big ones.
Del: Thirty, sixty, one-twenty, a million. What does it matter now eh? It’s all hidden gawd knows where.
Brian: So let’s go plan ‘B’. Look Del, another reason for seeing you today was so’s I could update the old man this afternoon – it’s visiting. How about I get him to have another chat with your dad, see if we can see about splitting it between us.
Rodney: Yes! We can split the money between us.
Del: Nah! I reckon Inky would be alright but what about dad?
Grandad: It’s worth asking him Del-boy.
Del: Yeah, alright, no harm in asking I suppose. OK Brian, you’ve got our number, give us a ring when you’ve seen inky. And an update when he’s spoken to dad. We’ve nothing to lose I don’t suppose.
Brian: Ok, will do Del.

Brian shakes Del’s hand.

Brian: Thanks then mate.
Del: You can thank me more when we see the colour of that money.
Trigger: (Raises finger, indicating he can help) They’ll be green, blue, brown and purplish if that helps Del-boy. They were the colours of the notes in use at the time.
Del: Erm? Yeah, invaluable advice, thanks Trig!

Brian laughs.

Brian: Ok, on that note I’ll make tracks, cheers again each.

Brian departs. There is a pause while they contemplate the situation.

On to part 7

Forging Ahead part 5

admin — Mon, 05 Apr 2010 12:50:28 +0000

Forging Ahead part 5

FORGING AHEAD by Jimmy Connerly (based on an idea by Rico)

scene 2 continued

Rodney: Del, this is Brian…..

Del shakes his hand generously then at sits at the table.

Brian: Brian Macmillan.
Del: Macmillain? You’re never Inky’s lad?
Brian; Sure am Del.
Del: (Enthusiastically) Nice to meet you Brian.
Brian: Likewise, Del, dad always speaks highly of you.
Rodney: (Confused) Inky?
Trigger: (Looks to Rodney) Yeah, Inky Macmillain, best forger in Peckham.
Del: Yeah, not half Trig. You’d love him Rodders with your GCE in Art, he could clone Haywain’s Sunflowers Inky could! Flawless – you’d never know. Undetectable. Where is your dad these days Brian?
Brian: Wormwood Scrubs.
Rodney: Blimey, I’d be interested will I? As an art background, it’s hardly the Ufizzi is it?
Trigger: What’s soft drinks got to do with Inky?
Rodney: Eh?
Brian: No, it’s tough these days Rodney, forgery’s more and more difficult. Advanced technology, the readies these days, scanners and the like, dad was caught passing funny money; twelve month ago.
Del: Banknotes?
Brian: No, luncheon vouchers.
Del: Blimey, bootleg luncheon vouchers? Is there such a trade?
Brian: (Smiles) Not really Del but you can’t say we don’t eat well!

All laugh.

Trigger: You should have seen the tenners old inky used to knock out Rodney.
Rodney: Good?
Del: Good! You couldn’t extinguish it from a real one. Mum and Dad used to launder them for him, pass them off in the pubs and clubs.
Brian: Well that’s what I wanted to see you about?
Del: What passing dodgy money? No sorry Brian, too dangerous these days!
Brian: No, no, nothing like that Del. It’s about the laundering from the bank your Dad did in 1966.
Del: (Confused) Sorry Brian, you’ve lost me.
Brian: May 1966 he said, you’re dad had a contact in a sub-branch down the road there. Over three months they swapped sixty thousand pounds. They split the profits 50-50.
Rodney: Blimey, thirty grand each!
Del: Well we never saw none of it. Dad must’ve pissed it all away. Up west, sipping champers with some old bow-wow knowing him!
Brian: No Del, they never spent it, that’s what I’m here for.
Del: What do you mean they never spent it?
Brian: All the notes they swapped at the bank, they were all marked. Fivers and tenners back then were at lot easier traced. Dad reckons the plan was to sit on them for a few years before Laundering them.
Del: Well how come he’s not been back to collect his share?
Trigger: Brian just told us Del, they’re waiting till it’s a bit less dodgy.
Rodney: Bloody hell Trig, eighteen years! It would have been safe long before now!
Brian: We thought it had gone Del. Look, no offence but dad reckoned your old man run off with the lot in the late sixties.
Rodney: What and he reckons the old git took all the money with him then?
Del: Yeah, I wouldn’t put it past him.
Brian: Well nor did my Dad, when he heard he’d done a runner he assumed he’d taken the loot with him.
Del: Well that’s that then.
Brian: No, not at all. Look listen Del, this might come as a bit of a shock to you but your dad’s in the scrubs as well.
Del: Dad’s in the scrubs?
Brian: Sorry mate.
Del: Oh, don’t be sorry Brian. Best place for him!
Brian: Well anyway, when my Dad bumped into him he pressed your dad for his share of the money. Turns out that it’s still hidden.
Rodney: What you mean the money’s still about?
Del: No, don’t listen to it Rodney, it’s another one of dad’s Jackanory tales. He’d have had that money away long ago.
Brian: No, he said he had to leave it behind.
Del: It’d still be gone by now. He came back here last year, you remember Rodney. He’d have had it away then.
Brian: That’s not what he said. He said he went to get the money but he never got the opportunity.
Del: Never got the opportunity?
Rodney: He was with us for ages though weren’t he Del.
Del: Yeah! He’d have had every opportunity?
Brian: I dunno, dad pressed him on it but he clammed up, reckoned my dad would double cross him if he knew where it was. Having heard the story I thought you might know, we’d split it with you.
Del: No sorry Brian. (Looks to clarify) No, honestly, straight. That’s the first I’ve heard of it just then.
Rodney: Maybe Grandad might know something.
Del: Yes, good thinking Rodney! You off anywhere Brian?
Brian: No, I’m in no rush Del.
Del: Right, ok you lot, let’s get these drinks down us and go back to the flat and ask Grandad now.

On to part 6

Forging Ahead part 4

admin — Sun, 04 Apr 2010 12:49:09 +0000

Forging Ahead part 4

FORGING AHEAD by Jimmy Connerly (based on an idea by Rico)

…continued
Scene Two Presently Int. The Nag’s Head.

Del is first into the bar, Rodney and Trig follow. Del looks eagerly around.

Del: I don’t see him. Which one is he.
Trigger: No, he was over there, he must have gone.
Del: Bloody hell Trigger, don’t say you’ve brought me down here on some wild turkey chase!
Trigger: Sorry Del-Boy, he said he’d still be here.
Rodney: And it’s ‘Goose’ anyway!
Del: (Looking at Trigger) I thought you said his name was Brian?

Rodney gives incredulous look. Trigger is blank.

Trigger Well, whatever his name is he might have hung about.
Del: Well he ain’t here now. Still, might as well have a drink while we’re here, eh chaps?

Del rubs hands together as Mike approaches behind the bar.

Trigger: ‘ere Mike, what happened to that bloke I was talking to earlier?
Mike: Oh him, he’s just nipped to the gents. He’ll be back in a minute.
Del: There you see Rodney, I told you not to panic. He was here all the time. Two pints of lager and a Sambuca Galileo and Appletize then please Michael.

Mike gets drinks ready

Rodney: Me not to panic! Hang on a minute…
Del: Honestly Mike, you know if he found a twenty-pound note he’d worry it was a fake.

Del laughs, Mike smiles and Rodney scowls.

Mike: Talking of twenty pounds Del, I want that score I gave you last week.
Del: What score?
Rodney: Del-boy schemes nil, Mike’s vengeance one by the sound of it!
Mike: Exactly! That gas lamp for outside the pub you sold me.
Del: Oh yes, fine Victorian craftsmanship, ideal for the classic look feature.
Mike: The plastic wall-mount snapped. It fell off the wall.
Del: Plastic? Where? Let’s have a look at it.
Mike: I can’t, it fell into the wheelie bin underneath, the council must have emptied it before I had a chance to rescue the bloody thing.
Rodney: Well you’ve got to hand it to him Mike, very efficient merchandise.
Mike: And how do you work that one out?
Rodney: Well Del does sell rubbish but at least it’s got the decency to throw itself away. Saves you a job.

Mike and Rodney laugh. Trigger looks at Del.

Del: Listen, that was not rubbish! How do you know it just fell off? Might have been kids done it, skylarking about..
Mike: Normally I’d give you the benefit of the doubt, only Boycie was in earlier.
Rodney: Don’t tell me, he bought one and surprise, surprise it fell off the wall?
Mike: Right! Knocked out his next door neighbour’s cat. Sixty quid vets bill; he was in here looking for earlier, he’s not happy mate.

Toilet door opens, young bloke resumes his seat at the other end of the bar.

Mike: There’s the fella now Del.
Trigger: Hey, that’s him Del.
Del: Right, let’s get over to him. Thanks for the drinks Mike and thanks for the tip off about Boycie.
Mike: Oi, what about some payment?
Del: That’s alright, take it out of the score I owe you.

Del, Trigger and Rodney make to sit down.

Mike: Oi, don’t push it Trotter!
Del: Ok, Ok, I’ll see you alright in a minute Mike. Business first, business first.
Mike: I am putting business first Del, mine! Two-fifty.

Rodney and Trigger join the young bloke at his table. He looks about eighteen or so. In the background you can see Trigger introducing him to Rodney. Del looks over anxiously, then looks back at Mike. Reluctantly he gets out a wad of notes and gives Mike a fiver.

Mike: And the twenty.
Del: Did you keep the receipt for the lamp?
Mike: I don’t have one because you never gave me one but I do have Boycie’s phone number.

Del reluctantly unfurls another twenty from his wad.

Del: You drive a hard bargain Mike, you really do.
Mike: Yeah, I get it from the customers.

Del feigns hurt pride, shrugs and hurriedly joins the others.

On to part 5

Forging Ahead part 3

admin — Sat, 03 Apr 2010 12:47:49 +0000

Forging Ahead part 3

FORGING AHEAD by Jimmy Connerly (based on an idea by Rico)

scene 1 continued
Grandad: Here, Del, we’ll be alright for money won’t we?
Del: Alright? Of course we will you soppy old div.
Grandad: Well, your deals aren’t doing all that well at the moment, you haven’t given me any housekeeping for three weeks.
Del: Oh, I see! You asking me if we’re going ok was a subtle way for you to ask me for money is it, you crafty Goat!
Grandad: Now you know you always give me the housekeeping money without fail, it’s not like you. I’ve had to buy today’s dinner out of me pension.
Del: For goodness sake Grandad, you should have mentioned it earlier, things aren’t that bad.

Del pulls a huge wad of notes from his pocket.

Grandad: What’s that lot?
Del: Most of this is spoken for Grandad but we’re not doing that bad, I’ll not see you short.

Del hands Grandad about fifty pounds.

Del: Here you are Grandad, you take that for now, if you need any more let me know.
Grandad: Oh, cheers Del.
Del: Using your pension money, honestly! What did you get us for dinner anyway?
Grandad: It’s a surprise.
Del: (Smiles) Oh! Cheers Grandad, I’ll look forward to that.

Rodney reenters, Trigger is with him.

Del: Watcha Trig, what brings you round?
Rodney: A son of an old mate of yours, been looking for you in The Nag’s Head.
Del: Blimey Trig, you did that without moving your lips.
Trigger: No, that was Dave who said that Del.
Rodney: Don’t worry about it Trig, it’s just Del’s idea of a joke.
Del: (Laughing to himself while still counting out the rest of the wad) Son of an old mate of mine? Who?

Rodney heads for the kitchen, shaking his head.

Trigger: Said his name was Brian.
Del: (Thinking) Brian? I don’t recall knowing any Brian.
Trigger: Yeah but Brian said you knew his dad.
Del: Bloody hell Trig, I didn’t mean the kid, I meant what was his old man’s name?
Trigger: Oh, I see what you mean.

There’s a pause while Del waits for Trig. Trig just stands there.

Del: So what was it?
Trigger: You mean what was Brian’s dad’s name?
Del: Gor blimey! Yes Trig! What was his old man’s name?
Trigger: Oh, I don’t know.
Del: (Astounded) What do you mean you don’t know?
Trigger: Well I didn’t ask him.
Del: You didn’t think to ask him?
Trigger: Well, I wanted to let you know first.

Del shakes his head in resigned disbelief as Rodney reenters.

Del: It wouldn’t have taken you a second to have asked him who his Dad was Trig! Anyway; why didn’t you just phone us from the pub?
Trigger: No, I thought of that but I didn’t have any change.
Rodney: Couldn’t Mike have got you some?
Trigger: Oh yeah, that would have been a good idea Dave.
Del: Stone me, bloody hell the pair of them (points to Rodney and Trigger as he looks at Grandad) It’s Tom O’Connor’s Wednesday Night Out – I’ll name these plonkers in one!

Grandad laughs, Rodney scowls. Trigger shows no response.

Trigger: So are you coming then? He said he’d wait.
Del: Eh?? Who?
Trigger: Brian!
Del: Oh him! No, he can carry on waiting. I’m not going out to meet some son of some bloke I may or may not even have known. Besides, I’ve got Grandad’s dinner to look forward to.
Rodney: What, Spam?
Del: No, Grandad’s surprise he bought us out of his pension.
Rodney: Yeah, my guess is that that would be the tin of Spam on the sideboard out there in the kitchen. I’ve just seen it.
Del: Tinned Spam! Grandad, you shouldn’t have!!
Grandad: How many slices would you like Del?
Del: No Grandad, I meant you really shouldn’t have! Come on Trigger, we’ll take your car. Rodney, you too, get your coat on, were going down The Nag’s Head!
Grandad: What’ll I do with the Spam? Shall I save it?
Del: No!

Rodney and Trig have already exited. Del is half in / half out the door. He looks back.

Del: (Looking back) Actually yeah, save it Grandad. There’s a few loose tiles on the bathroom wall, I’ll use that for grouting!

On to part 4

Forging Ahead part 2

admin — Fri, 02 Apr 2010 12:46:01 +0000

Forging Ahead part 2

FORGING AHEAD by Jimmy Connerly (based on an idea by Rico)

scene 1 continued
Rodney: Del, It don’t look nothing like Gandhi! They’re just an old consignment of cheap and tacky dolls. You’ve pulled all the hair out of, daubed a tan on with a bit of boot polish and drawn a pair of glasses on!
Grandad: You’re out of order Del-Boy! You know nothin’ of ‘istory anyway. ‘Royal Raj
approved!’, you don’t know what you’re talking about!
Del: No! this is one of India’s finest – Look, there’s thousands of Indians live round
here and Gandhi’s a hero. I can’t understand why they’ve not sold.
Rodney: Perhaps it’s just the ‘Made in Pakistan’ labels that are putting them off then?

Grandad and Rodney nod to each other.

Del: No! It’s your sales patter Rodney, you’ve got to come up with a slogan.
Grandad: What like? Get your plastic rubbish here?
Del: Don’t get sarky Grandad! What I meant was to sell the product with a gimmick. I was thinking something more like….yes, that’s it. Knock ‘em all bandy with your right dead-handy, handy Gandhi.

Del pauses for effect – Grandad and Rodney unimpressed.

Rodney: Well you can try it if you like Del but I’ve washed me hands of them. All day I only managed to sell two.
Del: There you go, better than nothing, it’s a start.
Grandad: You sold two of those?
Rodney: Yeah, Trigger bought a couple. He thought they were Cabbage Patch dolls.
Del: They don’t look nothing like Cabbage Patch dolls!
Rodney: Yeah, but it’s less of a mistake than thinking they look like Gandhi.
Del: You’ll never make a salesman Rodney. Just look at the shambles you made of selling those videos last month. You never sold any! Not one!!!
Grandad: What? Those Trading Places videos?
Del: Yep, them’s the ones Grandad. Trading Places with Eddie Murphy, two quid apiece.
Grandad: Well, I’d have thought they’d have sold Rodney. You can’t have been trying..
Rodney: Oh, they sold alright Grandad, went like hot-cakes. Only they all got brought back…(Looks accusingly) Didn’t they Del?

Del backs off a little.

Del: You should have come straight home when you’d sold out, before you had any
comebacks.
Grandad: Poor quality videos were they? Pirates?
Del: No, they were top notch Grandad.
Rodney: Yeah, top notch quality all right, shame about the content though, eh Del?
Grandad: What? Trading Places with Eddie Murphy? That was a good film.
Rodney: Yeah, only the videos we were selling was a documentary on buying and selling houses.
Grandad: What? Eddie Murphy was in that?
Rodney: Yes, only it’s Teddy Murphy, the Irish estate agent from down the road!
Del: Well I thought it was a good video, very educational. Ideal for property investors.
Rodney: Yeah, right! And we see them down the market all the time. Only it’s hard to distinguish them from the crap Indian puppet enthusiasts isn’t it Del?
Del: Don’t you start getting sarky again Rodney, them dolls are better than that, (looks at one). Beucoup de jollie fluer these are.
Rodney: (Shakes head). Beaucoup de merde, more like!
Del: (Pleased) Exactly, that’s right Rodney!

The doorbell rings

Grandad: Who’s that?
Rodney: I don’t know Grandad, my x-ray vision isn’t as good as it used to be.
Grandad: You won’t have any vision at all in a minute you cheeky little sod.
Del: Will you two calm down for heaven’s sake. Don’t you worry Grandad, you have a nice sit down. Rodney, get the door.
Rodney: Bloody hell, it’s always me! You exploit me Del, what’s wrong with you getting it?
Grandad: I don’t know who you get your laziness from Rodney.
Del: No, it’s a mystery Grandad, you know he’s so lazy he went shopping the other day to buy a microwave oven.
Grandad: What’s lazy about that?
Del: He asked for one with a snooze button on it.

Grandad and Del laugh, Rodney shakes his head and goes to answer the front door.

On to part 3

Forging Ahead part 1

admin — Thu, 01 Apr 2010 12:43:22 +0000

Forging Ahead part 1

FORGING AHEAD by Jimmy Connerly (based on an idea by Rico)
Scene One Early Afternoon – Int. Trotters Flat

There are many boxes already in the flat. Del enters carrying a few more. Grandad enters from the kitchen at the same time.

Grandad: You’re back early Del. Is Rodney with ya?
Del: No, not yet Grandad, I left him down the market, see if he could do a bit more.
Grandad: What, selling them puppets?
Del: Yeah.
Grandad: Any good Del?
Del: No, not really Grandad. If the truth be told, sales were about as impressive as a Sinclair C5 at Brands Hatch…… with the handbrake on!
Grandad: (Dismissive) I told you they’d never sell! Waste of money.
Del: You hypocynical old duffer, it was you as recommended ‘em!
Grandad: Yeah, but that’s when I though they sounded good.
Del: What do you mean, “when they sounded good.”?

Front door slams loudly.

Grandad: That’ll be Rodney now!
Del: Hmmm, and it don’t sound like he’s sold too many does it.
Grandad: No!
Del: Lazy git!

Rodney enters looking fed up.

Del: Any joy Rodders?
Rodney: (Fuming) What do you think? Bloody hell Del, these are rubbish!
Del: Rubbish? (Looks hurt and offended) Rubbish? I don’t believe the pair of you! It was you two as persuaded me to get them. Especially you Rodders.
Rodney: Yeah, but that’s when I thought they sounded good.

Grandad smiles a smug ‘I told you so’ to Del.

Del: I don’t know what’s wrong with you two, I really don’t.
Rodney: (Looks at Grandad) ‘Genuine silver-screen memorabilia’ he said.
Del: Yes, that’s right, it is.
Grandad: (Nodding to Rodney) ‘Tribute to multi-Oscar winner’ he said.
Del: And it is! What is it with you two? (Looks to each in turn) Is this some sort of conspicuity against me or something?
Rodney: Del, it’s a cheap plastic glove puppet.
Del: Not cheap Rodney no, it’s a quality tribute; a tribute to the king of world peace.
Rodney: Eh?
Del: (Glorifying – painting a picture) The Royal Raj! A wonderful approval and tribute to his holiness, the messiah of India, immortalised with this commemorative effigy!
Rodney: And what are you calling this ‘messiah in plastic’ again Del?

Del picks one up, it’s an Indian doll but poor quality. Legs bent deliberately to be in lotus position and glasses ‘drawn on’ in permanent marker.

Del: (Looks promisingly, for effect) It’s the right dead handy, handy Gandhi!

Go to part 2

Fans Script : Rock and Chips – Final Part 4

admin — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 13:46:16 +0000

Fans Script: ROCK AND CHIPS -North by North London-

By Martin Fryer

Based on characters created by John Sullivan

Continued from yesterday

EXT. NIGHT THE RITZ PICTURE HOUSE

External shot of the picture house at night, young Raymond is bringing in the portable billboard.

INT. NIGHT. THE RITZ PICTURE HOUSE

Joanie and Reanie and are in the staff cloak room putting on their coats.

REANIE. If I were you I’d tell Reg, let him sort him out.

JOAN. Oh leave it out Reane.

REANIE. Well what does this fella want with Freddy?

JOAN. I dunno but nothing good that’s for sure.

REANIE. And you really don’t know where he is?

JOAN. No course I don’t.

REANIE. Look it’s not my place to ask and usually I wouldn’t but you’re my best mate and I’m worried about ya, are them rumours about you and Freddy true?

JOAN. (flustered at the question) No, I told ya, we just….got on. Anyway I’m not like that.

REANIE. What about Guissepe?

JOAN. He was just a friend, Rean, you know that.

REANIE. Well the Italian Stallion wasn’t been very friendly that night he tried to force himself on you in the back of his car.

JOAN. And that’s why I can’t tell Reg, you know how he over reacts, look at the state he left him in.

REANIE. Well from what you’ve told me it don’t sound like this fella is going to let it drop until he gets what he wants.

JOAN. I’ve got a number.

REANIE. What number?

JOAN. Before Freddy left he gave me a number.

REANIE. Problem solved then, girl. Give the number to this bastard who’s hassling ya and he’ll leave you alone.

JOAN. I can’t do that can I, if he traces Freddy he might hurt him, or worse.

REANIE. You’ve still got feelings for him haven’t you, Joan.

JOAN. No I just……oh I don’t know but I don’t wanna see him get hurt.

REANIE. There is another option.

JOAN. Which is?

REANIE. Give him a call, get him to come and sort his own mess out.

JOAN. Me and Reg have been getting on alright, I don’t want, I don’t want……

REANIE. You don’t want to fall in love with Freddy the Frog again?

JOAN. I don’t wanna go through all that again, I don’t want anyone upset, I’ve got little Rodney to think about now.

REANIE. Phone Freddy Joan, if you don’t, you could regret it.

JOAN. And if I do I could regret it.

We focus on Joans face as she agonises over the decision.

INT. DAY. THE TROTTERS FLAT.

Joan is sitting at the table doing her make-up. Grandad is in the chair watching the news.

GRANDAD. You got work today Joanie, love?

JOAN. Yeah, just a couple of hours at the town hall then im at the flicks tonight.

GRANDAD. Will you be home for dinner?

JOAN. Yeah should be.

GRANDAD. There’s a nice leg of pork in the fridge

JOAN. Is that your way of telling me you would like pork for dinner, Ted?

GRANDAD. Well, yeah.

She smiles.

Del enters from the bedroom.

DEL. You working on a Saturday, mum?

JOAN. Yeah, we can’t all stay in bed till Grandstand, like your father.

DEL. Yeah he’s a lazy git ain’t he, I’m not gonna be like that when I’m his age, I’m gonna be wheeling and dealing, I’ll be a millionaire one day you know, mum.

JOAN. I know you will darlin’. You won’t forget your old mum when your rich will ya son?

DEL. Course I won’t, you’ll have the best things money can buy, you’ll be able to say goodbye to all that second hand clobber for a start, yeah, all your gear will come from the finest of tailors.

JOAN. Oh Saville Row?

DEL. Well yeah if you like, and you granddad, you can say goodbye to black and white and hello to glorious technicolour.

GRANDAD. What’s glorious technicolour?

DEL. It’s colour telly innit.

GRANDAD. Colour telly! What will they think of next?

Reg enters in his pyjama bottoms and a vest.

REG. What’s all the noise about?

GRANDAD. Dels getting me a colour telly.

REG. You’ve already got a colour telly, look it’s mahogany.

GRANDAD. Yeah but the pictures not colour is it?

REG. You filling these twos head’s with your fantasy’s again?

DEL. Nothing wrong with dreaming, dad.

JOAN. That’s right, my mum said to me on her deathbed, you’ve got to have a dream, Joanie. And she was right, you have got to have a dream, don’t let no one tell you different, Del.

REG. (sarcastic) Well ain’t that lovely, speaking of death beds, I’m now going back to mine, so keep the row down.

EXT. NIGHT THE PICTURE HOUSE.

We see the picture house then we pan back to see the older and younger man are waiting in the car for Joan.

OLDER MAN. Im done with messing around, boy. We get answers tonight.

YOUNGER MAN. What if they’re not the right answers?

OLDER MAN. Then the old man gets it, and if I still don’t get what I want, the son gets it, and if the silly cow is stupid enough to keep her mouth shut after all that, she’ll get it.

YOUNGER MAN. What if she’s telling the truth and she really don’t know where Freddy is?

OLDER MAN. Then she’s in trouble cos she’s the only lead of got, and I’ll pull tight on it if I have to, you know what I mean, boy?

Just then the back door opens, the two men swing round in time to see Joan shutting the door.

JOAN.(attempting to be assertive but clearly very nervous) Drive.

OLDER MAN. Come to your senses have you, love?

JOAN. Do you wanna hear what I’ve got to say or not?

OLDER MAN. Certainly I do.

JOAN. Then drive away from here.

OLDER MAN. You’re the boss.

The car pulls away.

EXT. NIGHT. THE DOCKS

We see the car pull into shot and come to a stop near the rivers edge. The area is deserted and a low smog hangs in the air.

OLDER MAN. So what are we doing here then?

JOAN. Get out

OLDER MAN. (to younger man) you wait here.

Joan and the older man get out and go to the back of the car where they face each other.

OLDER MAN. Come on then Mrs Trotter, tell me what I want to know.

JOAN. Freddy Robdal moved away from the area almost a year ago.

OLDER MAN. This I already know.

JOAN. Before he left we had……a thing, I loved him and part of me always will, but I love my family more, especially my boys and I will not see them hurt.

OLDER MAN. Carry on.

JOAN. When he left he offered to tell me where he was going but I turned him down, too tempting I suppose, if I’d have known where he was I’d always be wondering what he’s doing or who’s he’s with, I wanted to try and forget about him.

OLDER MAN. You are breaking my heart.

JOAN. He gave me something before he went (she takes a piece of paper from her purse) his number, he said if I ever needed anything to give him a ring, I tried to throw it away but he handed it back to me and made me promise on our…….on Rodneys life I would keep it just in case.

OLDER MAN. It’s a start, give it to me.

JOAN. You have to understand that family comes first, my family and that’s why I’m doing this….

She goes to hand it over but then screws it up and throws it in the river.

OLDER MAN. You stupid, stupid bitch.

JOAN. You can do what you want to me but you leave my family out of it, it’s me who stopped you finding Freddy, me.

The older man scowls and grabs Joan roughly by the arm.

VOICE (out of shot) You don’t wanna do that, cocker.

Freddy Robdal walks out of the smog.

JOAN. Freddy!

The older man lets Joan go and pushes her to the ground. As Freddy walks past the passenger side of the car, the younger man gets out. Freddy hasn’t seen him.

OLDER MAN. You’re a difficult man to track down.

FREDDY. Do I know you?

OLDER MAN. I don’t know but your going to wish you didn’t, boy.

FREDDY. Harry Gilbert isn’t it?

OLDER MAN. Right first time Freddy, well done.

FREDDY. You run the florist on Islington high street

OLDER MAN. Bravo.

FREDDY. Well I say florist, most of your profits come from the illegal bookmakers out the back though don’t it, Harry?

OLDER MAN. Funny you should mention that Freddy, because my profits are what I wanted to see you about. You see, they’ve taken a bit of a hit recently.

FREDDY. I’m gutted for you.

OLDER MAN. Not as gutted as me old son, imagine how you’d feel if you came home one night and found some bastard had blown your safe into tiny little pieces and made off with all your cash. What would you do?

FREDDY. I’d probably go looking for me.

OLDER MAN. Spot on, and here I am. I expect you’ll be telling me you had nothing to do with it?

FREDDY. No. I done it. I even drank the last of your milk on the way out.

OLDER MAN. Why?

FREDDY. I was thirsty.

OLDER MAN. No I mean why me?

FREDDY. It’s nothing personal; it’s what I do. I’m sure you understand, one criminal to another.

OLDER MAN. Oh I do Freddy, I do, I’m still going to get him to cut you up though.

The older man motions to the younger man, who has drawn his knife.

FREDDY. I think you should think about this before you do something you might regret.

As Freddy finishes speaking we hear the distant noise a motorcycle travelling at speed, it comes into shot as it careers around the corner, we can again hear the rider shouting that it has no breaks. Freddy moves but it hit’s the younger man and sends him into the car and knocks him out.

The rider gets up and dusts himself off.

FREDDY. Are you alright?

MAN. Yeah, yeah I think so, what about your mate?

FREDDY. He’s alright, he can sleep it off, go on you get out of here before the old bill get involved.

MAN. Im sorry about ya motor, I only bought the bike tonight, I didn’t know it was knackered.

With that he runs off, every now and then looking back at the wreckage of the bike.

FREDDY. That’s a nasty dent he’s left there.

OLDER MAN. (trying to be friendlier now his back up is out cold) I’ll get it fixed.

FREDDY. Can you get this fixed as well?

As the older man goes to ask ‘what’? Freddy punches him in the face and knocks him to the ground. He goes over to him and picks him up by the lapels, as he is about to hit him again Joan stops him.

JOAN. Freddy, no.

Freddy lets go.

FREDDY. I think you better get back in your car while you still can.

OLDER MAN. I think you might be right.

Freddy walks with the man over to the car. The younger man is coming around.

OLDER MAN. (to younger man) get in

YOUNGER MAN. But….

OLDER MAN. Just get in.

They both get in. Freddy goes over to the driver side and stops the older man from closing the door. He takes a wad of notes from his pocket.

FREDDY. This is half of what was taken from your safe. I reckon that makes us even. I’ll make it known your gaff is off limits BUT, know this, it’s only because of her your not doing the backstroke with a broken neck, if you ever go near ANY of the Trotters again you won’t have so much trouble finding me next time, I promise you that, cocker.

OLDER MAN. In the scheme of things that seems a fail deal.

FREDDY. Now get out of here.

He slams the door and they drive off over the broken bike. Freddy turns to Joan.

FREDDY. Why didn’t you call me and tell me you we’re in trouble?

JOANIE. I didn’t want you to get hurt and I didn’t want to go through all…….that, again. What are you doing here Freddy?

Rock & Chips: Freddy

FREDDY. Following you.

JOANIE. I don’t understand.

FREDDY. I can’t let it go Joan, I moved away because I couldn’t have you but I can’t stop thinking about you. Every now and then I sit in my car out side your work, outside the flat, outside anywhere I think you might be, just so I can see you. Stupid I know.

JOAN. It’s not stupid.

FREDDY. No?

JOAN. No. you’ve got to stop it though, you know the situation.

FREDDY. Yeah, I know the situation, come on, I’ll give you a lift home, Reg will be wondering where you’ve got to.

JOAN. Huh!

EXT NIGHT. OUTSIDE THE SIR WALTER RALEIGH HOUSE

Freddy’s jaguar pulls up.

JOANIE. So you’ve been living in North London?

FREDDY. Yeah, I’m moving on again soon though.

JOANIE. Another job I suppose?

FREDDY. Yeah, this ones going to be golden.

JOANIE.(smiling) I don’t wanna know, Freddy.

FREDDY. Its probably best you don’t. So, You haven’t got my number anymore then.

JOAN. No

FREDDY. And I’ll be changing it when I move.

JOAN. I expect you will.

FREDDY. Do you want…..

JOAN. Thank you for tonight Freddy.

FREDDY. My pleasure.

JOAN. I better get in.

FREDDY. Yeah.

She gives him a kiss on the cheek and goes to get out.

FREDDY. Joan.

JOAN. Yeah?

FREDDY. How’s Rodney?

JOAN. He’s very well thank you.

FREDDY. Good.

JOAN. He looks like his dad.

With that she smiles at Freddy, shuts the door and leaves.

FREDDY(smiling). ‘triffic.

***THE END***