D.T. PHONE HOME - part 1 (Fans Script)

BY PETE RIGBY

It’s year 2010. Raquel has left Del Boy but no one knows. She has taken Damien, now 19 years old, and she’s renting an apartment in Greenwich. Del is running Trotters Independent Trading on his own. Rodney is back working in IT. Cassandra is still working at the bank and their daughter, Joanie, is now 7 years old.

Scene 1: Peckham High Street. Morning

Del is driving his Reliant Regal. He spots Trigger sweeping the road and pulls over

Trigger: Alright Del?
Del: Here Trig, you know all the streets round here don’t ya. Have you ever heard of Randsdowne House?
Trigger: Yeah. Why d’ya wanna know Del?
Del: It’s my doctor’s surgery, they’ve moved to this Randsdowne House. So, are you gonna tell me where it is then?
Trigger: Yeah, go straight ahead right, and do a left
Del: Right
Trigger: Right. Then another left
Del: Right
Trigger: Then another left
Del: Right
Trigger: Right. Then another left. Right?
Del: Nah you’ve lost me Trig
Trigger: Well, it’s just left, left, left, left
Del: Left, left, left, left?
Trigger: That’s right Del
Del: Hang on a minute, if I do a left 4 times, I’ll be back where I started
Trigger: I know. It’s just over there

Trigger points to a building 20 yards behind them

Del: Well why didn’t you just say that you wally
Trigger: You’re driving and you can’t turn round here Del. It’s a one-way
Del: I don’t believe you sometimes Trig

Del starts the engine

Trigger: Fancy a pint lunchtime Del
Del: Yeah alright Trig, I’ve gotta drop some stuff off at Boycie’s in a bit. I’ll see you in a couple of hours
Trigger: Okay Del

Trigger walks off. Del reverses back onto a meter outside Randsdowne House. He searches in the van for a suitable bag then places it over the parking meter. It reads ‘Doctor on Call’.

Scene 2: Doctor’s Surgery waiting-room

Del sits waiting to be called. He looks around the room at the posters on the wall. One reads ‘Depressed? We can help’. Del shudders and picks up a magazine and opens it. It reads ‘Lonely? Call the Samaritans’. Del puts the magazine down.

Receptionist: The doctor is ready to see you now Mr. Trotter

Scene 3: Doctor’s room

Doctor: Come in Mr. Trotter, take a seat
Del: Hello Doc. You’re new ain’t ya?
Doctor: No. I’ve been here for 10 years
Del: 10 years?
Doctor: Yes. I see from your records you haven’t been to the doctor’s since……….. 1998
Del: Really? That long, eh. Well, that just goes to show how healthy I am
Doctor: Mmmm. Or how scared you are
Del: Nothing wrong with me Doc
Doctor: If there was nothing wrong with you Mr. Trotter, you wouldn’t be here would you? We do advise all our patients over 50 to have a medical every couple of years. It’s nothing to worry about. You come in, we give you the once over. And hopefully, at the end, we issue you with a clean bill of health. It’s just like an M.O.T
Del: Is it? I usually bung Nobby Clark a pony, and he sorts me out a bent one

The Doctor stares at Del

Doctor: Anyway, how can I help you?
Del: I need something to help me get to kip Doctor
Doctor: And why have you got insomnia?
Del: Cos I can’t sleep
Doctor: We’ve established that Mr. Trotter. Why can’t you sleep?
Del: I’ve got a lot on my mind
Doctor: What have you got on your mind?
Del: Bleeding hell, are you sure I ain’t wondered into the nick?
Doctor: The nick?
Del: Yeah. The last time I got asked 3 questions on the spin was in Peckham Police Station
Doctor: Mr. Trotter, unless I diagnose what the problem is I cannot help you
Del: The problem is Doc, the missus has left me
Doctor: I see. I’m going to prescribe you some anti-anxiety tablets. Take one a day for 2 weeks. If you still feel the same, come back and see me
Del: Okay Doc
Doctor: While you’re here I’m just going to take your blood pressure. Can you roll up your sleeve for me?

Del rolls up his sleeve. The doctor takes a reading

Doctor: It is a little high
Del: Well we are on the 2nd floor
Doctor: We can look at it again when you have your medical can’t we?
Del: Okay Doc

Scene 4: Boycie’s driveway. Morning

Del is just about to leave

Del: Right, I’d better be off Boycie, I said I’d meet Trigger in the Nags at One
Boycie: Ok. Oh before I forget, I must say Derek; your Raquel has a fine set of lungs on her
Del: I beg your pardon, you cheeky git
Boycie: I mean she still has quite a nice singing voice for an older woman
Del: Oh right; anyway, how would you know?
Boycie: I saw her the other night, in some exclusive club in the West End that I sometimes frequent with, let’s say, some of my more up-market associates

Del is taken aback but doesn’t let on

Del: And what club would this be?
Boycie: What, don’t you even know where your wife is working Del? I sense all is not as it should be in the Trotter household. Is Trotter’s Independent Traders in so much trouble that you’ve had to send the wife out to work? How Dickensian.
Del: Don’t be silly, you know what Raquel’s like, she just wants to keep her finger in
Boycie: In what? That’s what I’d be worried about. Ha ha ha!
Del: Give my love to Marlene
Boycie: Oh Del
Del: Yes Boycie?
Boycie: I’d prefer it if you didn’t wave when you drive off. I don’t want the neighbours thinking I mix with riff-raff

Del drive offs, bibbing his horn with the radio blaring drum ‘n’ bass. The van back-fires. Boycie hurries back inside his house before anyone notices.

Boycie: Caveman

Scene 5: Nag’s Head. Lunchtime

Del and Rodney are standing at the bar. Trigger walks in

Trigger: Alright Dave?
Rodney: Alright Trig
Trigger: Alright Del?
Del: Alright Trig, what are you having?
Trigger: I’ll have a pint

Trigger sits down at a table

Del: A pint for Trigger Sid
Sid: Sorry Del, we ain’t got any pint glasses, will 2 halves be ok?
Del: They ain’t got any pint glasses Trig, are you ok with 2 halves?
Trigger: Best not Del, I’ve gotta drive later. I don’t wanna be over the limit

Del can’t believe his ears

Del: I don’t adam and eve it. Just give us an half please Sid
Sid: Ok Del
Del: Anyway, what do mean you ain’t got any pint glasses. What sort of pub is this?
Sid: It ain’t my fault Del. The brewery sent over 2 boxes of new glasses last night and someone only stole them from round the back
Del: No. That’s bang out of order. Who would do something like that?
Sid: That’s what I thought Del
Del: Well. It must be your lucky day. I only happen to have 2 boxes of pint glasses in the back of the van

Sid gives Del a disapproving look

Sid: Really? What a coincidence?
Del: Shall we say £30 for the pair?
Sid: Yeah. Go on then
Del: I bet you’re glad you bumped into me, eh!

Del takes the drinks back to the table. Sid shakes his head

Scene 6: Nag’s Head. 1 hour later

Del: Fancy another?
Rodney: Nah, I better be off
Trigger: Yeah, me too

Del, Rodney and Trigger get up to leave

Sid: Do you wanna settle your tab Del?
Del: Just take it out of that 30 quid you owe me

Sid shakes his head

Del: Goodbye sweetheart
Barmaid: Bye Del
Del: Cor! What’s that pong?
Sid: Before you ask, it ain’t my pumps Del.
Barmaid: If you must know it’s my perfume
Del: Perfume! You wanna take that back darling, get ya money back; where d’ya buy it?
Barmaid: On your stool!
Rodney: Come on, Del
Del: I’ll tell you what sweetheart, you come and see me tomorrow and I’ll replace it with a real one.
Trigger: Have you got any more of that perfume Del?
Del: Yeah. Unfortunately
Trigger: Put me down for two

Everyone stares at Trigger in disbelief

Scene 7: Outside the Nag’s Head

Del: See you Trig
Trigger: Yeah, see you Del
Rodney: See you Trig
Trigger: Mind how you go Dave

Del and Rodney watch Trigger walk away

Del: Look at that soppy sod. He don’t know if it’s new year or New York

Scene 8: Inside Del’s Reliant Regal

Rodney: What do you think you are doing chatting up the barmaid?
Del: I wasn’t chatting her up Rodney, I was merely exercising some public relations
Rodney: Well, it didn’t look like that to me. Look Del, I was thinking, why don’t you and Raquel come round to our place on Friday for a meal. We haven’t seen Raquel for months.
Del: You ain’t the only one Rodders
Rodney: And what’s that suppose to mean?
Del: Look Rodney, I didn’t want to worry you, but Raquel has left me
Rodney: Nah, why would she leave you? Actually, I can think of a few reasons. She’ll be back in a couple of days, you wait and see
Del: She’s been gone a couple of months Rodney. She won’t even speak to me
Rodney: I’m sorry Del. Where’s she staying, at her mum’s?
Del, Nah, apparently she’s renting an apartment in Greenwich
Rodney: How’s she affording that?
Del: She’s had to go back to work. She’s doing what she used to do
Rodney: What? Stripping?
Del: No you dipstick. Singing!
Rodney: Course. So what went wrong?
Del: Well, you know that money that Uncle Albert, God rest his soul, left us? Well, you were sensible Rodney. You invested yours in a fine house. I invested mine in a Winehouse
Rodney: Winehouse?
Del: Yeah, I bought a load of them ‘Amy Winehouse: I ain’t going to Rehab’ t-shirts. Then she went
Rodney: What a wally
Del: That’s me, an 18-carat wally. I sent her over the edge, Rodney, when I spent our last ten grand on a load of Japanese mobile phones.
Rodney: What’s wrong with that?
Del: They don’t bloody work do they! According to Boycie, Raquel sings in some club over the West End a few nights a week.
Rodney: What’s Boycie doing in a West End club?
Del: Brown-nosing some rich arab no doubt
Rodney: You’ve gotta get down there Del, let her know how you feel
Del: You’re right Rodney, he who dares wins, I’ll go down there and sweep her off her feet, take her for a nice Pizza Express. Yeh, I’ll knock her bandy
Rodney: That’s the spirit. I wouldn’t bother with the pizza though, Del
Del: Yeah, you’re right there Rodders. She’s a sophisticated lady. I’ll book a table at the Bernie Inn.
Rodney: Oh my gawd (whispers under his breath). What’s the name of this club then?
Del: That’s the thing, I don’t know
Rodney: You don’t know! Oh Cosmic! You mean to say you didn’t think to ask for the name of the club where your wife, who you haven’t seen for months, is singing?
Del: Look, I didn’t wanna let on to Boycie that Raquel had left me so, you know, I played it cool
Rodney: Cool? What were you, a fridge?
Del: He did say it was in a club off Park Lane
Rodney: Oh well, that narrows it down to about 100
Del: I was thinking
Rodney: Oh no Del. No way am I traipsing round night-clubs with you. Anyway, Cas would go mad. We’ve really had to tighten our belts lately
Del: Come on. As mum said on her death bed Rodney, “Del, make sure you and Rodney are always there for each other”.
Rodney: Alright then. I’ll tell Cas we’ve got a business meeting at the flat or something
Del: No need to bother, I’ve already told her
Rodney: What do mean, ‘you’ve already told her’?
Del: I spoke to her today
Rodney: What, before you’d even spoke to me?
Del: Yes
Rodney: And you told her we were going clubbing?
Del: Course not you plonker.
Rodney: Thank God for that
Del: I said we were playing poker

Rodney stares at the floor in disbelief

Scene 9: Nag’s Head

Del is at the bar. Boycie is in the gents. Denzil and Rodney are sat around a table

Denzil: Rodney, I can’t help noticing that Del hasn’t been his usual self lately
Rodney: How d’ya mean?
Denzil: I can’t put my finger on it. He’s just been really………….nice
Rodney: In what way has he been nice?
Denzil: Well, he hasn’t asked to borrow anything, he hasn’t tried to sell me anything and he’s hardly spoken a word in weeks
Rodney: How is that ‘nice’?
Denzil: For the first time ever Rodney, I can actually hear the commentary on the racing
Rodney: Look, keep it to yourself. Del and Raquel have split up.

Trigger arrives, defusing the awkwardness. He takes a seat with Rodney and Denzil

Rodney: Alright Trig. You’re late tonight
Trigger: I’m not stopping. If the truth be told, I’m a bit skint. My sister turned up at my flat earlier. She wanted to borrow £100.
Rodney: I didn’t know you had a sister Trig
Trigger: Nor did I

Rodney stares in disbelief

Rodney: Del, get Trigger a drink
Del: Alright Trig, I didn’t see you there. What you drinking?
Trigger: I’ll have what you’re having Del
Del: (to the barman) And a Guiness and Pernod for Trigger please Sid

Rodney: Whatever you do, don’t mention Raquel
Denzil: Ok Rodney

Trigger nods

Del: Here, Rodders, give us a hand with these drinks
Rodney: Ok Del

Rodney gets up and leaves the table

Denzil: Here Trig

Denzil passes Trigger a piece of paper with the name of a horse written on it

Trigger: What’s this?
Denzil: It’s a tip Trig. It’s running in the 4.15 tomorrow. Keep it under your belt, eh?
Trigger: Righteo

Trigger gets up and follows Rodney to the bar

Trigger: How’s the wife Del?
Rodney: Trig, I told you not to mention Raquel’s name
Trigger: I didn’t. I said ‘the wife’
Del: It’s alright Trig, the reason why Rodney told you not to mention Raquel’s name is because she has left me
Trigger: I know
Del: You know? How’d you know?
Trigger: Denzil told me
Del: Did he now?
Trigger: Yeah. He’s telling Boycie now

As if on cue, Boycie’s trademark laugh fills the pub

Scene 10: Rodney and Cassandra’s flat.

Cassandra: I can’t believe about Del and Raquel, can you? It’s really sad isn’t it?

Rodney is reading a newspaper; totally uninterested.

Rodney: Yeah
Cassandra: Do you think Del will be ok looking after Joanie on his own tomorrow?
Rodney: What could possibly go wrong?

Rodney suddenly has a flashback. Damien. The Omen. Sheer terror fills his face. He envisages Joanie. Then Del. Then the girl out of the Exorcist. He quickly snaps out of it.

Cassandra: Yeah, he’ll be fine
Rodney: It’s not Del I’m worried about (under his breath)
Cassandra: He called this morning. He wanted to know if I’d mind if you played cards with him on Friday.
Rodney: Sorry about that Cas. He only mentioned it to me today. I think he wants to talk about things.
Cassandra: I must say, I was very reluctant to say yes but now I understand

Scene 11: Del’s flat. Morning

The doorbell rings. Del opens the door. It’s Rodney and Joanie

Del: Hello sweetheart. Cor, you’re getting taller and taller every time I see you. You can tell she ain’t the milkman’s can’t ya?
Rodney: No she bloody ain’t the milkman’s
Del: Oi! Watch your language in front of the children
Rodney: Yeah, we wouldn’t want her growing up like you, would we?
Joanie: Hello Uncle Del
Del: You’re gonna break all the boys hearts when you’re older, you are
Rodney: What do you mean? All the boys
Del: You go into the kitchen darling. I got you some of them cereals you like.

Joanie runs to the kitchen

Del: You still ok for Friday Rodders?
Rodney: Yes, I’ve had my suit dry-cleaned, my shoes are polished. I’ll meet you here ok?
Del: Good boy Rodney, you know it makes sense
Rodney: Right, I’ll pick Joanie up at 6 ok?
Del: Yes. Yes. Go on, you’ll be late
Rodney: Bye Joan
Joanie: Bye Dad

Rodney leaves the flat just as a young couple are walking by

Del: And don’t forget Rodney, if you want to go to the toilet, just tell the teacher

Rodney rushes off. Embarrassed

Del shuts the front door laughing at his own schoolboy humour. Pleased with himself

Joanie on the Phone

Scene 12: Del’s flat. Living room.

Joanie is eating Cocopops

Joanie: Where’s Auntie Raquel and Damien, Uncle Del?
Del: They’re staying at Damien’s nan and grandad’s sweetheart
Joanie: Why ain’t you gone with them?
Del: Cor, you’d make a very good policewoman you would
Joanie: Would I?
Del: Yes. Anyway, if I went with them I wouldn’t be spending time with my favourite niece, would I? So, what do you wanna do today then?
Joanie: Ain’t you got a Wii?
Del: Nah, I went earlier
Joanie: Damien must have some good video games? I’ll look in his room
Del: (panicked) No no, you stay there darling. I’ll have a look

Del goes to Damien’s room and closes the door behind him. Joanie starts opening one of the many boxes piled up in the living room. She takes out a mobile phone. Del returns holding a game of Buckeroo. He sees Joanie playing with the mobiles

Del: No, put them down sweetheart. They don’t work. I’ve gotta take them back.
Joanie: Yes they do, look!

Joanie shows Del the mobile

Del: What was wrong with them then?
Joanie: Nothing. You didn’t charge them

Del looks embarrassed. He looks back at the phone

Del: Look, that’s no good. It’s all in Greek
Joanie: You can change that. You go into ‘language’. Scroll down and press ‘English’. Ta da!
Del: So they all work?
Joanie: Yes. They just need charging and converted to English. They’re really trendy phones actually. Better than mine.
Del: And do you know what all the buttons do?
Joanie: Of course!
Del: See, your dad was a computer genius just like you. I’ll tell you what sweetheart. How about you converge them all into the English lingo for me and I’ll let you keep one?
Joanie: Cool. Okay

Del is now obviously excited

Del: Right, you get cracking on them. I’m gonna get the van
Joanie: Why, where are we going, Uncle Del?
Del: We. My darling. Are going to work. If anyone asks, you’re 16, ok?
Joanie: Easy

….part 2 continues tomorrow here

pete.rigby@live.co.uk

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