Fan script episode : Mexi-can by Only Fools and Horses megafan Kiel Phillips
One of the best only fools and horses episodes from a fan I’ve read, so sit back and enjoy this superb episode….
SCENE 1 – INT: TROTTER LIVING ROOM – EARLY MORNING
DEL ENTERS FROM THE BEDROOM IN HIS PYJAMAS. RODNEY IS AT THE BAR POURING A GLASS OF WATER.
DEL:
Alright bruv? What you doin’ up, it’s gone half three.
RODNEY:
Couldn’t sleep, it’s freezing in there
DEL:
Yeah, it is a bit taters. I thought the council would’ve been out to sort it by now.
RODNEY:
Give them a chance, you only rang them three months ago
DEL:
Anyway, I thought you had a hot water bottle
RODNEY:
I do
DEL:
Well there you are then, use that
RODNEY:
I was using it, I filled it up before I went to bed
DEL:
So what are you moaning about then?
RODNEY:
It’s frozen
RODNEY SITS DOWN AT THE TABLE. THERE ARE CUPS AND MUGS ALL OVER IT. DEL POURS HIMSELF A GLASS OF THE WATER AND THEN SITS DOWN BESIDE HIM. RODNEY FLICKS ON AN ELECTRIC HEATER
DEL:
Oi, oi, oi! Do you know how much those things cost to run?
RODNEY:
Well you either pay for this or you pay for a funeral, cos if I don’t get a heat i’m going to die of hypothermia
DEL:
Don’t be such a soppy tart. Alright, five minutes
DEL TURNS THE HEATER TOWARDS HIM
RODNEY:
Del!
DEL:
I’m paying for it ain’t I?
RODNEY:
It shouldn’t be this cold, it’s not normal. It’s almost supernatural
DEL:
Not this again, look, the place ain’t haunted. I told you before, it’s the extractor fan that the council put in the bathroom the wrong way round. The cold air is circulating around the flat cos there is no heat. There are no ghosties or ghoulies running round the place.
RODNEY:
Yeah I suppose. If there were you’d probably charge them rent.
DEL:
I was engaged to a girl once who lived in a house that was haunted.
RODNEY:
Knowing some of the dogs you’ve been out with, it was probably her doing the haunting.
DEL:
You’re going to cop an unfortunate one in a minute my son.
RODNEY:
OK, sorry. So how do you know the place was haunted?
DEL:
Cos I seen the ghost
RODNEY:
No way!
DEL:
On my life. We had been going out for three weeks, so we must have been engaged about two and a half. Anyway, I was staying at her place, it was a cold night, just like tonight. I was sneaking out before her old dad got in from the night shift.
RODNEY:
What were he, a security guard or something?
DEL:
Sort of, his job did involve a sort of security.
RODNEY:
What did he do?
DEL:
He robbed houses., which is what I’m going to have to do to pay the electricity bill if this stays on much longer.
DEL FLICKS OFF THE HEATER
RODNEY:
Oh bloody hell, I haven’t thawed yet
DEL:
Go and stick the kettle on, we’ll have a nice hot cup of rosy.
RODNEY:
Don’t make me go into the kitchen Del, it’s colder than an Eskimos mother in law’s kiss.
DEL:
You are a big girls blouse you are. You win Rodders, I’ll make the tea. Pass me that tray.
RODNEY PASSES DEL A TRAY AND DEL STARTS TO LOAD THE CUPS ONTO IT
RODNEY:
So what about the ghost then?
DEL:
Oh right, yeah. I was just getting my trousers from the living room when I heard the creak of a door opening. Well I thought her old fella had come home and I was about to have it away on my toes, but something made me look up, and there it was.
RODNEY:
Wow! Were you scared?
DEL:
Put it this way bruv, it’s lucky I weren’t wearing my trousers cos I’d have made a right mess of them.
DEL PICKS UP THE TRAY AND WALKS TOWARDS THE KITCHEN.
DEL:
Open this door for me will ya
RODNEY MOVES OVER BESIDE DEL
RODNEY:
So what did it look like? Can you remember?
DEL:
I’ll never forget it. It was an old bloke, he was wearing one of those old fashioned night shirts and the dopey caps, you know, like wee Willie Winkie, and he had a big bushy beard. He was there for a couple of seconds and then he disappeared into thin air. I told my fiancé about it and she said that a few people had seen it before, and whenever they did, someone close to the them died.
RODNEY:
And did someone die?
DEL:
The very next night. My mate Albie Littlewood was hit by a train when he was taking a short-cut across the track.
THE KITCHEN DOOR OPENS AND ALBERT COMES OUT WEARING A NIGHT SHIRT AND CAP
ALBERT:
What are you two doing up?
DEL AND RODNEY SCREAM. DEL THROWS THE TRAY OF MUGS INTO THE AIR AND RUNS OFF TOWARDS THE DOOR, CLOSELY FOLLOWED BY RODNEY. THEY GO OUT INTO THE HALLWAY. AFTER A FEW SECONDS THE DOOR OPENS AND DEL PEEKS HIS HEAD ROUND THE DOOR. HE SEES ALBERT STANDING THERE AND GOES TO RECOIL BEHIND THE DOOR AGAIN BEFORE REALISING WHO IT IS. HE ENTERS AGAIN, FOLLOWED BY RODNEY.
DEL:
What are you doing you silly old git, you nearly gave me and him a connery.
ALBERT:
I couldn’t sleep so I thought a cup of tea might help. Why did you break all them mugs?
DEL:
Cos Paddy the Greek invited me to his daughter’s wedding and I thought I’d get in the mood. Get out of the way, and clean that mess up.
DEL GOES INTO THE KITCHEN. ALBERT GRABS THE DUSTPAN AND BRUSH AND STARTS TO CLEAR UP THE MESS
ALBERT:
So why are you up?
RODNEY:
I’m too cold to sleep
ALBERT:
It is a bit parky. What you need to do is to trick your mind into thinking it is warm.
RODNEY:
And how am I supposed to do that?
ALBERT:
During the war
RODNEY:
Oh God
ALBERT:
we were in the middle of the North sea. It was the start of December, so it was bitterly cold. I had the idea to light a small fire in a mess tin, there wouldn’t be much heat from it but just seeing the flame would trick the brain into thinking it was warmer than it actually was.
RODNEY:
And did it work?
ALBERT:
It worked for a little while, but then I ended up colder than before.
RODNEY:
Because the fire went out so your brain kind of went crazy?
ALBERT:
No, because I ended up swimming in the North Sea. You see, I was on watch and a German bomber spotted the flame and dropped 2 high capacity bombs.
RODNEY:
You were hit by 2 bombs?
ALBERT:
No, they missed
RODNEY:
So how did you end up in the water?
ALBERT:
Well, the bombs missed us and hit the water, but they created waves that shook the boat. The mess tin fell over and the fire spread too quickly for me to do anything, within ten minutes the whole crew had to jump overboard. Luckily one of the other ships in the fleet was able to rescue everyone and because we had spent so long in the icy water, we were confined to our warm quarters for three days to recover, so it worked out pretty well in the end.
RODNEY:
Which side paid your wages Albert?
ALBERT:
What do you mean by that?
RODNEY:
You seem to have done more damage to the British navy than the Luftwaffe in your time.
DEL ENTERS WITH TEA AND HANDS THEM OUT
DEL:
What are you two nattering about?
ALBERT:
I were just telling Rodney, during t….
DEL:
If this story ends with your boat sinking, then I’ve heard it
RODNEY:
Nah Del, this one didn’t sink
DEL:
Really? Go on then Unc
ALBERT:
Well, it did sink, eventually
DEL:
Right, I think it’s time everyone was back in bed, go on, take your tea with ya, that’s it, we’ve got to be up in a couple of hours.
ALBERT, RODNEY HEAD TO THEIR ROOMS
ALBERT:
Night boys
RODNEY & DEL:
Night Unc / yeah goodnight
DEL SITS FOR A MOMENT AND THEN MAKES HIS WAY TOWARDS HIS ROOM, AS HE PASSES THE BAR HE TAKES A SWIG OF TEA
DEL:
Eurgh, forgot the sugar
HE IS ABOUT TO TURN BACK WHEN HE HEARS A DOOR CREAKING, HE PAUSES FOR A SECOND BEFORE DASHING TO HIS ROOM
SCENE 2 – INT: TROTTER LIVING ROOM – MORNING
RODNEY IS SITTING ON ONE OF THE CHAIRS IN FRONT OF THE TV. HE HAS A MAGAZINE IN FRONT OF HIM, IT IS OPEN AT A PAGE THAT HAS A FIRE ON IT. RODNEY HAS HIS HANDS OUT TOWARDS IT LIKE HE IS WARMING THEM UP. DEL ENTERS.
DEL:
What are you doing?
RODNEY:
Eh? Oh nothing. Just something Albert told me about. Silly old sod.
DEL:
Well come on, we have to get down the market, I’m meeting Young Towzer.
RODNEY:
What crap is he lumbering us with this time?
DEL:
It’s not crap, it’s quality stock.
RODNEY:
Oh yeah, that’s what you said when he sold us that “quality tinned meat”
DEL:
That were a great deal. We made a fortune on that
RODNEY:
Del it made people ill. Dyno Rod had to take on extra employees to deal with the drains.
DEL:
Ah, yeah, but I got rid of that two gross of bog roll that had been in the garage for nearly a year.
RODNEY:
You’re unbelievable, you know that.
DEL:
Shut up you tart. Now come on before he sells it to someone else.
DEL HEADS OUT AND THEN POPS HIS HEAD BACK INTO THE ROOM
DEL:
And you might want to bring your book with you, the heater in the van is playing up.
SCENE 3 – EXT: MARKET – MORNING
DEL AND RODNEY ARE LOOKING INTO A BOX
DEL:
Well, what do you think?
RODNEY: (UNENTHUSIATIC)
Cosmic
DEL:
We’re gonna earn off these Rodders, you mark my words. Only five nicker a piece
RODNEY:
Nobody is going to pay five pounds for that
DEL:
No, five is what I paid for them. I think I’ll knock them out for eighteen, maybe nineteen.
RODNEY:
Why not just go the whole twenty pence
DEL:
Don’t get saucy
RODNEY PULLS ONE OF THE ITEMS OUT OF THE BOX. IT IS A KNITTED PONCHO AND IT IS MADE OF LOTS OF DIFFERENT COLOURS OF BRIGHTLY COLOURED WOOL. IT MAKES A CHRISTMAS JUMPER LOOK FASHIONABLE.
RODNEY:
Del, a colour-blind Mexican wouldn’t buy this.
DEL:
You don’t know anything about fashion. All the posh tarts are wearing these now. And with the weather like this they’ll sell like hot cakes. I tell you what, you’re moaning about how cold the flat is, I’ll do you a blinding deal on one.
RODNEY:
No thank you! I’d rather die of hypothermia than be seen alive in one of those monstrosities.
DEL:
You’re going to be the one with egg on your face when word gets out that I have these, just you wait and see bruv. I just hope I have enough to keep up with the demand.
RODNEY:
If there was only one more in that box you’d be overstocked.
WE CAN SEE TRIGGER IN THE BACKGROUND PUSHING HIS CART ALONG
DEL:
The French have a phrase for people like you
RODNEY:
Go on then, enlighten me
DEL:
Vous avoir une araignée au plafond
RODNEY THINKS ABOUT THIS FOR A SECOND
RODNEY:
That means “you have a spider in your head”
DEL:
Need I say more
RODNEY:
Alright, I’ll tell you what. If you can sell just one of these in the next hour, I’ll buy one from you
DEL:
And you have to wear it, to show it off to the punters
RODNEY:
You’re on
TRIGGER HAS NOW CAUGHT UP TO THE BROTHERS, BUT HE HAS NO TIME FOR A STOP AND CHAT
TRIGGER:
Del Boy
DEL:
Trig
TRIGGER:
Dave
RODNEY:
Alright Trig?
DEL:
Here Trigger….
TRIGGER:
Sorry Del, can’t stop. We’ve got a new gaffer and she’s talking about cutting back on road sweepers, so I want to make a good impression.
DEL:
I tell you what you want to do, you want to buy her a present. Sweeten her up a bit.
TRIGGER:
That’s not a bad idea that
DEL:
And I tell you what, you’re in luck. I have just happened to procure some lovely Ponchos. They’re all spoken for, but seeing as you’re a mate I can let you have one.
TRIGGER:
Nah, you’re all right Del, she might not like foreign food. Cheers for the idea though. Anyway, I’ll have to get on
TRIGGER STARTS TO WALK OFF. DEL AND RODNEY ARE IN SHOCK AT HIS STUPIDITY.
DEL:
Stick that box into the van and lets go to the Nag’s Head, I need a drink.
SCENE 4 – INT: NAG’S HEAD – MIDDAY
DEL AND RODNEY ENTER. MIKE IS SERVING BEHIND THE BAR
DEL:
Michael
MIKE:
Del Boy. How’s business?
DEL:
Don’t ask, Mike. Don’t ask.
MIKE:
That good, eh? Your Uncle Albert is here
DEL:
Eh? Where?
DEL SPOTS ALBERT SITTING AT A TABLE. HE IS WEARING A HEAVY LEATHER COAT OVER HIS NORMAL COAT. RODNEY GOES AND SITS BESIDE HIM.
DEL:
How long has he been in here?
MIKE:
Since I opened up
DEL:
Lazy old bark. He’s supposed to be cleaning the flat. Right, give him one more rum, a lager top for Rodney, and I’ll have…. a Baileys and lime juice
MIKE:
You want anything to eat?
DEL:
Oh yeah, what you got?
MIKE:
I’ve got a nice pot of stew on the go
DEL:
That sounds just the ticket, keep the cold out. What’s in it?
MIKE:
Well to tell the truth, I’m not too sure. I got the tins of meat from Young Towser.
DEL LETS THIS SINK IN
DEL:
You know what Mike, I’m putting on a bit of weight, so I think I should have something healthy. I’ll just have a couple of fried eggs, chips, bacon, sausage and beans. Rodney and Albert will have the stew though.
MIKE:
Right, I’ll bring it over.
DEL:
Cushty
DEL JOINS ALBERT AND DEL. HE HANDS OUT THE DRINKS.
DEL:
What’s your game? Is the flat clean?
ALBERT:
It were freezing in there, I just came in here to have a couple of rums, you know, warm up a bit.
DEL:
Make this your last. What’s that you’re wearing?
ALBERT:
It’s a Panzer jacket. I dug it out of the bottom of my duffle bag. Forgot I even had it. These were designed to be worn at sea, so they keep you nice and warm.
RODNEY:
A Panzer jacket? Weren’t they worn by the German’s?
ALBERT:
Yeah, German U Boat crews
DEL:
So how did you end up with it?
ALBERT:
Well when the war was over and we were taking prisoners, they used to swap us stuff to do them favours. Post some letters, get them coffee and chocolate, that sort of thing. Nice, isn’t it?
DEL:
Lovely Unc. Just don’t let Trigger see it.
ALBERT:
Why?
DEL:
Because he’d most probably want to eat it. Speaking of which (SHOUTING) Mike, any chance? My stomach thinks my throats been cut.
MIKE CARRIES THE TRAY OF FOOD OVER.
DEL:
Lovely jubbly
HE HANDS OUT THE FOOD
RODNEY:
That looks well nice. I’m starving.
RODNEY STARTS HUNGRILY SPOONING IT INTO HIS MOUTH
ALBERT:
Slow down son, you’ll get indigestion
DEL:
If he’s lucky, that’s all he’ll get
ALBERT:
Eh?
DEL:
Nuffin. Come on, get this down us and then you can get back to the flat and me and Rodney will go out and see if we can do a bit.
SCENE 5 – INT: FLAT – EVENING
DEL ENTERS THE FLAT.
DEL:
I have no idea how they didn’t sell. I was sure those yuppy sorts would be beating each other to death with their filofaxes and their pagers to buy one for their wives or their bits on the side. We had a prime spot right outside that little wine bar they all go into, I offered to knock a fiver off for the first ten customers. I even offered to throw in a pair of those Snoopy braces we have in the garage. What went wrong?
RODNEY ENTERS. HE IS NOW WEARING SAID PONCHO AND HE IS NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT
RODNEY:
I’ll tell you why they didn’t sell, it’s because they look bloody stupid.
DEL:
Don’t talk daft. Granted it looks stupid on you, but that’s because you’ve got a gormless face.
RODNEY:
What do you mean I’ve got a gormless face?
DEL:
Well you do. You get it from your dad’s side… most probably. Look at the state of this place, I’m going to swing for that lazy old sod.
DEL HEADS TO THE BAR TO MAKE HIMSELF A DRINK. RODNEY TAKES OFF THE PONCHO.
DEL:
Albert! Albert!
RODNEY SPOTS SOMETHING IN THE HALLWAY. HE GOES OUT AND COLLECTS IT AND THEN BRINGS IT BACK IN. IT’S A SMALL BUSINESS CARD
RODNEY:
Oh I don’t believe it. It’s a card from the council. They called to fix the heating and nobody was in.
DEL:
Well that’s just bloody marvellous. I’m going to have to phone them up again and get put in a queue and it’ll be another three months before we see ’em. He better have a bleedin’ good excuse for not being here or it won’t be a Panzer jacket he’s wearing, it’ll be a frying pan around his head.
THE FRONT DOOR OPENS AND ALBERT ENTERS WITH A BAG OF SHOPPING
DEL:
Ring up Crimewatch Rodney. Tell them to cancel that missing persons report, but they might want to come round and reconstruct a murder. Where the bleedin’ hell have you been?
ALBERT:
Hell Del Boy, hell.
DEL IS NOW CONCERNED. RODNEY LEADS ALBERT TO A CHAIR.
DEL:
What’s happened to you Unc?
ALBERT:
I left the Nags Head and I headed down to Patel’s to get something for the tea. I got in there all right, but when I came out…
DEL:
Take your time
ALBERT:
There were hundreds of them. They were all grabbing at me and pulling me this way and that. I was scared Del.
DEL:
Never worry now Unc. You’re safe now. Who was it, the bikers?
ALBERT:
Nah son
DEL:
It wasn’t those Rastafarians who hang about outside that music shop were it? I know the leader of that lot, I’ll go round there and have a word with his kneecaps.
ALBERT:
Nah
RODNEY:
Who was it then?
ALBERT:
It were the Rainbow group
DEL:
The Rainbow group, the Rainbow group… Who are the Rainbow group?
RODNEY:
They’re the Peckham group who are fighting for gay rights
ALBERT:
Yeah, that’s them. Vicious lot they are and all.
DEL:
What did you do to get hit with their handbags then?
ALBERT:
I didn’t do anything. I came out of Patel’s, there, coming down the road were the skinheads. I turned round and there was a sea of colour coming from behind me
DEL:
That’s the last place you want them, behind you
RODNEY:
Del!
DEL:
Alright, alright.
ALBERT:
Well, they looked safer than the skinheads, so I headed towards them
RODNEY:
And what happened?
ALBERT:
Well they spotted the Panzer jacket didn’t they. Thought I was part of the skinhead group.
DEL:
And didn’t the skinheads do anything?
ALBERT:
Yeah, when they saw how they could handle themselves, they scarpered. I was dragged down the street, they took me to their rally point then dragged me up on stage as they made their speeches. If it hadn’t been for Monkey Harris turning up and knocking out Judy Garland LP’s at 50p a go and distracting them God knows what they would have done to me.
DEL:
You dozy old twonk.
RODNEY:
Yeah, serves you right for wearing that jacket.
DEL:
Hang on a minute, a sea of colour?
ALBERT:
Eh?
DEL:
You said a sea of colour?
ALBERT:
Yeah, they were wearing bright coloured clothes, more colours than I’ve ever seen.
DEL:
And where was this rally point?
ALBERT:
Down by the Star of Bengal
DEL:
Right Rodney, get that Poncho back on you
RODNEY:
Why?
DEL:
Because we are going down to the Star of Bengal to knock out those Ponchos
RODNEY:
I thought you said I looked stupid in it. That I had a gormless face. What makes it any different now?
DEL:
Different crowd
RODNEY:
How do you mean?
DEL:
I mean, you may look gormless, but you also look like a noofter.
RODNEY:
You cheeky git! There’s no way I’m wearing it now.
DEL:
Fine. Then I’ll just take them down there myself and keep all the profits for myself. Yeah, this is the way to go Rodney, the gay market. I don’t know why I’ve never thought of it before. There is money to be made from this. These ponchos will knock ’em bandy. They’ll know they can come to Trotters Independent Traders for anything they need. Those yuppies, they’re just a flash in the pan phase, but people are always going to be gay. Oh yes. This is just the break I need. This time next year I’ll be millionaires.
DEL HEADS OUT THE DOOR WITH A SMILE ON HIS FACE AND DREAMS OF FURTURE FORTUNES ON HIS HEART. RODNEY IS LEFT STANDING THERE, THINKING ABOUT WHAT DEL HAS JUST SAID, AFTER A FEW SECONDS HE PICKS UP THE PONCHO AND RUNS OUT AFTER DEL
RODNEY:
Del Boy, hold up
ALBERT NOW SITTING IN THE FLAT ON HIS OWN SHAKES HIS HEAD AND STANDS UP. HE LIFTS THE BAG OF SHOPPING, AS HE IS BENT OVER THERE IS A CREAKING OF A DOOR. ALBERT FREEZES IN THAT POSITION AND THEN SLOWLY TURNS AROUND. HE DROPS THE BAG OF SHOPPING AND THEN RUNS OUT THE DOOR AFTER THE BROTHERS
ALBERT:
Wait for me!
THE END
I see the Albert frightening Del and Rodney scene has been recycled partly from Time on our Hands and Danger UXD!
Yes, but it is a joke that has a lot of room to play with to make it a bit different, and it always seems to work, so i put it in.
Cheers for reading
JOHNNO. ALBERT FRIGHTENED DEL AND RODNEY IN THE “PECKHAM SPRING” EPISODE TOO WHEN HE POPPED OUT FROM NOWHERE IN GRANDADS ALLOTMENT
As much as I liked some of the one liners, I thought the plot was a bit sort of weak.
And what’s the deal with this:
DEL:
Well you do. You get it from your dad’s side… most probably. Look at the state of this place, I’m going to swing for that lazy old sod.
Sorry to nit-pick because this is a good little script, but Del is refering to Rodney as having a different Dad in that bit of dialogue, or so it seems. And they didn’t find out about them having two different Dads years after Albert was about.
Thanks for taking the time to read it and giving your feedback. I hope you’ll have a read of some of my other scripts on here.
You’re absolutely right about what you pointed out. Although Del probably always knew, Rodney didn’t find out until later than when this script is set. A mistake on my part.
I have just posted a script that should be avaliable in a few days. It’s called Mother Cassandra and it focuses on Cassandra’s commitment to her banking job and to baby Joanie and Rodney. It’s got a funny sub-plot with Raquel, Del and an old school-friend of Raquel’s who has been married 7 times. Tell me what you think. It’ll be much appreciated. Thanks.
Some of the jokes very much in John Sullivan style. I just think there could have been a bit more with the whole mexican theme, that could have made a funny storyline. Good work though!
Thanks for reading.
Thanks for taking the time to read it and give feedback. Hope you enjoyed it.
A good script. Bit harsh Mike. No fan will be able to produce a script anywhere near John Sullivan’s standard – obvious, I know.
Maybe you should try writing one?
Thanks for reading it, hope you enjoyed it.
Haha very good. Love reading fan scripts.
Glad you enjoyed it, thanks for taking the time to read it.
Yeah it was Ok. Quite quirky. Only thing was, there was quite a few jokes and ideas taken from past shows. Fairly good story-line but could’t really laugh.
Keep up the enthusiasm though!
Thanks for reading
Hmm not sure I liked the concept to be honest. It did flow well but in my opinion, couldn’t really feel the comedy factor in this.
Cheers for reading anyway