Friends in the right places part 1
Friends in the right places by Jimmy Connerly (Part 2 from MR X)
PREAMBLE – Del and Mike have been discussing Mr X, who transpires to be Roy Slater. Now the major owner of the brewery. Meanwhile at Nelson Mandella House, Rodney has a surprise guest!
Scene One – TROTTER’S FLAT, IMMEDIATE
Rodney is rattled to see Slater before him. He tries to look composed.
Rodney: You’ve got a nerve Slater, especially after the last time we saw you and the evidence we still have on you, I’ll phone the cops now shall I?
Slater: I’ve always envied the Trotter sense of humour.
Slater laughs mockingly and enters the flat, patronisingly taps Rodney on the shoulder and walks straight past him.
Slater: Your living room’s this way if memory serves me correctly.
Slater enters the living room, closely followed by Rodney. Cassandra looks shocked.
Slater: (Looks around) Ah yes, the decor is much the same, just as I expected. Never mind.
Rodney: I don’t know what your up to Slater but you’re out of order. What’s your bloody game? My wife could have been breastfeeding.
Slater leers at Cassandra and laughs.
Slater: No, don’t worry Rodney, I’m not hungry!
Cassandra and Rodney are both enraged. Rodney moves a step or two nearer the ever smug Slater.
Rodney: Not hungry! I’ll tell you what my appetite’s like then shall I? I’m not hungry either Slater. I never could stomach anything as foul tasting as you. You can wipe that stupid smile off your face Slater and “P” off out of my flat.
Slater; (Still smiling) Your flat? Rodney, I must offer you congratulations on how well you’ve done for yourself. How much did I read that watch sold for? Six million was it? (Looks around and laughs
sarcastically again) I can see you’ve made some shrewd investments since then Rodney.
Rodney: Get out. Before I chuck you out.
Slater: Oh, I thought you were going to call the police?
Rodney and Cassandra look at each other, both are suspicious of Slater’s brash overconfidence. Cassandra gets up.
Cas: Well I’m ringing them now.
Slater: No, no, no. (smiles again) You don’t want to do that.
Cas: (Phone in hand) Why on earth not?
Rodney: He’s playing games!
Slater looks at Cassandra then to Rodney.
Slater: She’s good Rodney, you’ve done well for yourself with that one.
Rodney doesn’t react.
Rodney: Get on with it Slater.
Slater looks Rodney in the eye. He laughs out loud.
Slater: Interesting where you find yourself Rodney. Six million you had, six million! And now where are you?
Rodney: (slightly defensive) We’ve still got some money.
Slater: Not six million though eh Rodney? (Slater nods to himself and moves forward) The great Trotter brothers…….bailed out of a total mess by their dead uncle. The sailor who could leave port
without sinking!
Rodney: And what the bloody hell has our business got to do with you?
Slater smiles simply, he’s enjoying himself.
Slater: Well firstly Rodney, I’m your boss.
Rodney starts to laugh but checks himself, all of a sudden Slater looks deadly serious.
Rodney: What?
Slater walks over to the drinks bar, pours himself a scotch, starts to drink it and then, when he’s ready, starts talking.
Slater: My money might not have been legally earned Trotter but my word I made it work. I’ll tell you four things. Then you can decide what you want to do.
Rodney looks unsure, he looks as Cassandra. Cassandra shrugs her shoulders.
Rodney: what;s number one then?
Slater: I own 51% of the shares of your brewery.
Rodney: (acting unfazed) Number Two?
Slater laughs his smug laugh again. Is drawing this out for effect.
Slater: Yes, you’ll like this one. I have assets worth ten times as much money as you’ve ever had in your life.
Rodney: Ten times as much? What? Even after the watch money?
Slater just smiles.
Rodney: (Incredulously) Sixty million?
Slater: Probably over a hundred by now. I’ll check with the accountant. Well, if I feel like it maybe.
Rodney: Where’d you get all that money from?
Slater: (Showing a little annoyance again) As I said, while some squander theirs, others prosper! But your
nosiness does conveniently lead me on to number three.
Cas: Which is?
Slater: I have friends in high places now. And sworn affidavits. Whatever evidence you’ve kept from my past is meaningless.
Slater’s confidence is so assured he picks up the phone and tosses it to Rodney.
Slater: The number you wanted before was 999 as I recall.
Rodney thinks and replaces the headset.
Rodney: Right, maybe this is all true, maybe it ain’t. What’s number four?
Slater: Number four is my favourite. In two potential parts, you’ll have a choice.
Rodney: We have a choice?
Slater: Yes Rodney, the first option is the simplest one all round, that is to comply with my running of things. Doing as I say so, when I say so. No questions asked. I say “Jump”, you say “How high?”.
Rodney: That’s still a question.
Slater sneers.
Slater: The pettiness of a Trotter! Only…… I heard, you’re not really a Trotter are you.
Rodney makes to go for Slater. Cassandra gets between them.
Cas: Rodney, don’t, Please! Think of Joan.
Rodney looks at Cassandra.
Cas: Both of them. Please.
Rodney straightens himself out, looks at Slater indignantly.
Rodney: And what’s the alternative?
Slater: Not comply with the first option and I’ll see to it you and that brother of yours end up inside!
Slater’s smile is now a nasty one.
Slater: ….Only I’ll see to it that you all go down for longer than the last hapless landlord! I only used him for practice!
I am in awe of such a fine script (so far – will read part 2 in a mo). Can’t believe I didn’t come across this when it was uploaded.
Mr.X was fantastic – have always wished for another script like this. Can’t wait to read on!
Since we’ll (probably) never have a new OFAH episode to look forward to, I would always make do with some quality fan script.
The Slater dialogue is sheer class and believable.
So Funny and well written, make more