NATURAL BORN WALLY – By Robert Adamcek – OFAH fan from Croatia
Year 1988/89?, just after Dates episode. Del and Rodney at the market, trying to sell Iranian Ali Baba Air Max 2000 shoes as recommended by Paul Gascoigne who Del met in a bar one day and got him drunk.
Del: Alright, gather around here everyone , cuz I got a real deal for you today! Here you are, ladies and gentlemen, one of the fastest rising sports shoes model in the world and some parts of Asia, I present to you, in all their glory, the brand new, Ali Baba Air Max 2000! (Opens his case, with shoes popping out from it.) Yes John, I know what you’re thinking, are they genuine leather! Well let me tell you, not only are they genuine, they’re the finest genuine faux leather you can find! And that’s not all! Oh no! They’re also reccomended by none other than Gazza himself! Straight up! Take a look for yourself darling, go on! Actually, he personally tried them on and is now thinking of buying more for the whole family! He told me so just before he fell of his chai…haaa…ju…just before he left! Now, I’m not going to ask you for 50 pounds, I’m not going to ask you for 25 pounds either! Twelve pounds-fifty, and I’ll eat fish’n chips for Christmas if I have to! You know it makes sense! That’s it, here we go…
Male customer: Are you sure Gazza tried these on?
Del: Ey?
Lady customer: These are huge! They all are…
Del: (pauses) No no, you see, these are Iranian, they have different shoe sizes than we do, don’t they? These are actually size 8 (presents a size 16 shoe at least)!
Crowd laughs and starts to leave.
Del: Come on you wallys, don’t you know a bargain when you see one? It’s a giveaway at twelve quid, ain’t it? I tell you what, I’ll even chuck in a free banana, Rodney, get that banana out of your mouth! (takes out a half-eaten banana out of his mouth). Here you go sir (puts the banana in one shoe as he tries to give them away to a last customer, but the person refuses it and leaves) ….ohh, what’s the point. It’s like trying to sell a pig to a muslim.
Rodney: Well what did you expect Del? I don’t care if Gazza recommended these shoes, they’re miles too big for anyone not named Kareem Abdul-Jabbar!
And anyway, if he was so supportive, couldn’t he just sign the shoes so you could at least sell them as memorabilia or something?
Del: No he couldn’t Rodney.
Rodney: And why not?
Del: Because he was so pissed out of his skull he couldn’t remember his name, let alone write it down!
Rodney: Oh…
Del: Let’s just go home Rodders, come on, bring the suitcase!
Rodney: I ain’t carrying no suitcase for you, no way!
Del: Ooooh, you’ve been of great help today, thanks a bunch!
(Trigger walks by)
Trigger: Delboy! Dave!
Del: Oh hi Trig, what brings you here?
Trigger: Nothing, I walked here.
Del: I see…(pauses) no, I don’t mean how you bloody got here, what are you doing here?
Trigger: I heard you had some quality shoes to sell, so I thought I’d have a look.
Rodney: Who told you that?
Trigger: Delboy.
(Rodney gives a confused look)
Del: Yes, but I thought you said you didn’t need any shoes.
Trigger: Who told you that?
Del: Um…you Trig! (rolls his eyes)
Trigger: Oh… well I must have been lying then.
Del and Rodney shake their heads in disbelief.
Trigger: How much?
Del: For a pal like you Trig, 25 pounds a pair. You can’t go wrong, can you?
Trigger: They’re a little big.
Del: No, they only look a little big because they’re Iranian, They have different shoe sizes then we do.
Trigger: Oh yea, never thought of that. Go on then, I’ll have the lot!
Del: Good boy Trig!
Rodney: I don’t believe this…
Del: (winks to Rodney) Lovely jubbly!
END
Natural born wally is Robert’s first script, feel free to send us your Only Fools and Horses Scipt like Robert did and we may add it to the site.
“finest genuine faux leather” – that’s so something Del would say, great humor right there. Faux meaning false in french, and we all know how Del handles french :) I think Sullivan would’ve been proud of this joke.
I liked this script a lot. Very funny dialogue. I’m a fan of slightly longer scripts but quality is more important than quantity.
Thank you all for such kind words, it really means a lot! I hope to make more scripts when I get the time. Joe, it’s a great idea, however I really can’t do anything now because I’m very busy, but we can do it one day, why not!
I forgot to say, it’s a really great script, the trigger jokes are perfect!
I’ve got a good storyline, but I’m not so good at jokes, we could team up, if you’re interested?
Excellent! The best script yet. I loved Del’s line about “Fish and chips for Christmas” and Triggs “Nothing- I walked here”! Please do some more.
Great potential in your script, just need a good story line with classic only fools style twist now to go with your quality dialogue.
Good job Robert, one of the better scripts lately. Short but sweet, and totally in style. U get on your bike and make another one! :)
This was really good, you kept it short which is good (because i need to go bed) and it was funny, which is the most important thing – I love reading these scripts.