Enjoy the New OFAH Script, its called – Seeking Sean by Matty Bate
OFAH – Seeking Sean
The Plot
Del Boy and Rodney help an old friend to save his drug-addicted son from the clutches of a criminal family, but end up being held hostage in a basement. In their absence, a tragedy strikes at the heart of the Trotter family.
Scene 1 – Peckham General, Grandad’s ward, day
Grandad is lying in bed reading a book. As Del enters, Grandad feigns illness and crinkles up in bed.
Del – Alright Grandad.
Grandad – I’m on my way out Del Boy
Del – I thought that was last week.
Grandad – Have you not brought me a bacon butty?
Del – That thing on reception’s a bit tasty aint she? I’m taking her out next Friday.
Grandad – I overheard her telling a doctor she was emigrating to Australia next week.
Del – Dementia kicking in is it?
Grandad – Well don’t ask me how I am then? Bloody kids. No respect.
Del – Sorry Papa Walton. How are ya?
Grandad – I’m in bloody hospital aren’t I? How dya think I am?
Del – I’ll ask the nurses if there’s any drugs to stop you being a miserable old git shall I?
Grandad – Where’s Rodney?
Del – Oh he’s down the market flogging Basil Brush dolls. Knowing him, I’ll get back to find them all in his room.
Grandad – The ones that look like swamp creatures.
Del – No they don’t.
Grandad – I still say there was a balls-up at the factory.
Scene 2 – The Trotters flat, living room, day
Rodney is sitting at the table with a cup of tea in hand. The front doorbell, sounding like Big Ben, chimes, causing Rodney to drop his tea down his shirt.
Rodney – Oh bloody hell.
Scene 3 – The Trotters flat, hallway, day
Rodney – I’ll shove that doorbell right up his bell ring. Actually, I’ll get him to do it. He knows the quickest route to it after all.
Rodney answers the door. It’s Ken Carson.
Rodney – Yeah. Can I help ya?
Ken – I’m looking for Del Boy?
Rodney – Del Boy? Never heard of him. A bell boy lives down that way if that’s any help.
Ken – It’s never… gawd blimey. It’s little Rodney.
Rodney – Yeah that’s… Actually it’s Dave… Brush.
Ken – I’d recognise that ridiculously pale face anywhere.
Rodney – Oh. My reputation rebukes me.
Ken – I’m Ken. An old mate of Del Boy’s. We met when we were serving time Maidstone together.
Rodney – Del’s never been in Maidstone.
Ken – Not Maidstone. Middlesbrough. Bleak place. We were working on a deal with this property tycoon. Good job an’all. We conned him into buying a house due to be demolished that same day. Classic.
Rodney – Oh right. What you doing here then? Property developers are about as popular as popes at gay bars round here.
Ken – Is Del Boy in?
Rodney – No, He’s visiting our granddad.
Ken – Ted’s not dead is he? Mind you, he weren’t very alive last time I saw him.
Rodney – Nah, he’s not dead. He’s in hospital. Pneumonia.
Ken – I’m sorry to hear that. Can I come in?
Ken barges his way past.
Rodney – What you asking me for? I just live here.
Rodney slams the door. As the bell starts chiming, Rodney rips it off the wall and puts it in Grandad’s coat, which is hanged up by the door.
Scene 4 – Peckham General, Grandad’s ward, day
Del and Grandad are laughing.
Del – …And then the Muslim turned to the Imam and said, let’s send out for a pizza instead.
Grandad laughs.
Del – Glad to see you perked up. The flat aint been the same without ya. You can’t smell burning in the kitchen anymore. Apart from last night when Rodney set fire to his adult art magazine.
Grandad – Least you’ve got telly. I’ve got to make do with company.
Del – Who’s?
Grandad – Him at this side keeps farting like a lodging house cat and him over there keeps going on about his diving board falls.
Del – Now you know how I feel. Sharing a bathroom with you and Rodders?
Sol approaches.
Grandad – Speak of the annoying grunt.
Sol – Alright Ted, who’s this? A surgeon. Giving him his estimated time are ya?
Del – He’s life and soul aint he?
Grandad – This is my grandson who never visits.
Sol – Oh. I’ve only seen the tall wiry bloke.
Del – He is wiry isn’t he. If you stood him by that wall. You’d swear he was a cardboard cut-out.
Del laughs, but Sol is unfazed.
Sol – I haven’t got a sense of humour. I fell off a diving board in Benidorm. It’s affected my brain.
Del – What, did ya land on your old meatloaf?
Sol – No, my head. I think my senses got knocked out of me.
Del – I’d say so. How did ya fall?
Sol – I’ll demonstrate on the bed if ya like.
Sol jumps on a bed and dives off it onto the floor. He gets up, unfazed.
Sol – There goes my last scruple.
Del reacts.
Grandad – He means how did ya end up squished on ya face, ya bloody oaf?
Del smiles at Grandad.
Sol – I’m sensing you’re not in a good mood.
Grandad – Still got that bloody sense then. Would a whack on the head with a shoe release it?
Sol – What happened was, I was about to dive into the pool when I looked down and found builders were removing it.
Del – Didn’t ya notice that before?
Sol – I’m not very observant. Anyhow, I was going down when I noticed a pound coin on the steps. I picked it up, but slipped back and hurtled straight down. I’d have died if it wasn’t for my safety net.
Del – What’s that?
Sol – One of the builders. I had to pay for his body to be flown back to England. Cost me a right arm and a leg.
Del – Here listen Sol, I’ve got this mate called Trigger. I’ll ask him to come and see ya. You two will get on like a house on fire.
Grandad – Huh, they couldn’t work out how to light a match between them.
Sol – Well I can’t stand round here bellyaching all day. I do have a bellyache though.
Del – You booking into the mortuary early are ya?
Sol – Was that funny? I don’t know you see. If a man wearing a dress came flying in here and fell into the food trolley. I wouldn’t laugh. It’s a condition you see.
Del – Right… well. You’ve gotta laugh eh.
Sol exits as Del sits down.
Del – Bloody hell. If there was a man more capable to suck the life out of someone, it’d be him. Actually, this could be a money spinner. If people are feeling depressed, I could bring them here to spend half an hour with him and they’d realise they’re life isn’t all that bad.
Grandad – Emmerdale Farm usually does it for me. Have you brought me any grapes?
Del – Nah, sorry.
Grandad – If I die Del…
Del – Stop it Grandad. You aint gonna die. Dya think god’ll deprive the world of your TV knowledge.
Grandad – If I do. There’s a case under my bed.
Del – Yeah.
Grandad – It contains a lottery ticket…
Del – Really?
Grandad – …from 1960.
Del – What, why are you telling me?
Grandad – I want to be buried with it for when I get up there.
Del – Why?
Grandad – Well it might come in handy.
Del – Oh right. Hoping to bump into the lotto caller who gave it ya and give him a bung eh?
Grandad – Exactly.
Del reacts
Del – You and that dippy diver are suited after all.
Grandad – I want you to do me another favour Del Boy.
Del – What, post your teeth to the Derby and Joan club?
Grandad – I want you to keep my portable telly in my room.
Del – You won’t need it will ya?
Grandad – If I come back as a ghost, I’ll need it.
Del – I shouldn’t worry Grandad.
Grandad – No.
Del – No, you’ll be too busy haunting.
A nurse approaches
Nurse – Time’s up now Mr Trotter. Can you say your goodbyes?
Grandad – My time’s up already. I didn’t think it’d be that quick.
Nurse – Visiting time.
Grandad – Oh. See ya then Del Boy, and remember…
Del – I know. Bury lottery tickets and don’t interfere with the spirit world’s TV viewing.
Grandad – No. Next time… Bring me some bloody grapes and a bacon sarnie.
Del – See ya Grandad… until next time. If you die in the night, I’ll kill ya.
Grandad – See ya Del Boy.
Del walks off, and after one last look at Grandad, he exits the ward.
Scene 5 – The Trotters flat, hallway, night
Del enters and takes off his coat.
Del – If you’ve been skiving here all day, I’ll make you eat a giro cheque ya little plonker.
Scene 6 – The Trotters flat, living room, night
Del enters to find Ken and Rodney eating fish & chips.
Rodney – Oh speak of the devil.
Ken – Del Boy? Good to see ya mucker.
Del – Er…
Rodney – We’ve saved you a bite. Funny story actually. A fish & chip shop van broke down downstairs. You didn’t sell him the van did ya?
Del – No. I did sell him the fish though.
Rodney spits it out as Del grabs Rodney’s chips and begins eating them.
Del – Yeah. Fisk Fisher the Fishman. I put a lot of cod his way.
Ken – I’ve had worse.
Rodney – He probably found it in a sewage plant.
Ken – Matches the wife’s cooking then.
Del – What are you doing here, and you know, who are ya?
Ken – That’s like my own mother walking past me in the street that is. Don’t ya remember me?
Del – Carson… Carson… Carson Manson. Melon juggler?
Rodney reacts.
Ken – No. We met when we were both ripping off Frank McVary.
Del – Oh. Ken Carson. Sorry pal, It’s hard to fit everyone I’ve ever done business with up there. I remember now though. You had four kids and a wife with a great… personality.
Ken – Aye, not anymore. Once the menopause hit, she was gone.
Rodney – What she left ya?
Ken – I should be so lucky. She was such a lively lass. Now, she walks around with a face like a black Michael Jackson.
Del – I’m sorry to hear that, so what dya want then?
Rodney – Del.
Del – What?
Ken – You remember my lad Sean?
Del – Sean? Yeah, loved tyres.
Rodney – Eh?
Del – Well, he loved taking them off cars and selling them.
Rodney – You sent me doing that when I was 13. You said it was working experience.
Del – And you fell for it like the plonker that you are.
Rodney – I was young and inexperienced.
Del – My, how you’ve grown.
Ken – Anyway, he came up to London to start a DJ job. That’s when the trouble started.
Del – Trouble?
Del sits at the table.
Ken – He got himself involved in drugs. You know what these clubs are like. I blame Grange Hill.
Rodney – Me too?
Del – They used you as inspiration, punk Rodders.
Rodney – Shut up Del.
Ken – A little habit became a full-on addiction. I’ve not seen him for six months. God knows where he is. Can you help me find him?
Rodney – London’s a big place Ken. I mean, you’ve got Kent Road and…
Del reacts
Ken – He’s in Peckham.
Del – Alright then, we’ll help ya. And if you feel like donating a little something to our pot to say thanks, please do.
Rodney reacts
Scene 7 – The Nags Head, bar, day
Ken and Rodney are at a table. In the background, Karen is behind the bar talking to Sid. Young Towser, Denzil and Mickey are playing darts. Mickey walks towards Rodney.
Mickey – Alright Rodney. Who’s this?
Rodney – A mate of Del Boy’s.
Mickey – Is he babysitting ya until Del gets here?
Mickey laughs.
Rodney – I’m paralysed with laughter. Now get lost.
Mickey – Don’t be like that. I’ve got a spare ticket to a comedy night at Fenrico’s.
Rodney – Oh right.
Mickey – Dya think Debbie would be up for it?
Mickey laughs and exits the pub.
Ken – He deserves a slap if you ask me.
Rodney – Don’t worry, his mum likes hitting him. It’s like bingo to her.
Ken laughs.
Ken – So, are you courting Rodney?
Rodney – No, I’ve got a criminal record haven’t I?
Ken – What and that puts them off?
Rodney – Well you can’t be called up for jury service if you’ve got previous can ya?
Ken – No, I mean are you dating?
Rodney – Oh, no, no. There was this one girl, but Del thought he was her father and by the time he told me he weren’t, she had run off to Malia with a local mechanic.
Ken – Hard.
Rodney – Aye, he was hard. He could lift six crates at once.
Ken looks at Karen.
Ken – What about her?
Rodney – Who?
Ken – That barmaid.
Rodney – That’s not Debbie.
Ken – Bloody hell, I mean. Why don’t you have a crack at her?
Rodney – Have a crack… Have a… Your worse than Del you.
Ken – If it’s what the women want. No women likes to run into the arms of a man and get cut by his knitwear.
Rodney – I don’t knit. I ripped me hands to shreds when Grandad tried to teach me.
Ken – Go and ask her out.
Rodney – This is wrong. Cilla Black’s not here.
Ken – If ya don’t ask, you don’t get.
Rodney – Nah. I’m not doing it.
Ken – Alright then.
Ken walks up to the bar and speaks to Karen. He walks over to Rodney’s table later.
Ken – There you go.
Rodney – What have you done?
Ken – I’ve cleared the path of true love. You can get me a dozen pints to say thanks. I’ve fixed a date for ya.
Rodney – Have ya, when?
Ken – Next Friday.
Rodney – Seems a bit sad though. You asking her out for me.
Ken – It does doesn’t it?
Rodney – How did ya swing it?
Ken – I told her you had tickets to a Des O’Connor concert.
Rodney blurts out his beer into his glass.
Rodney – You did what.
Ken – Not a fan then.
Rodney – I couldn’t afford that.
Ken – Oh right. You’ll think of something.
Rodney – Oh thank you very much. I’d have to sell a kidney before I could afford that. I’ve not even got enough money for a mars bar.
Rodney drinks his pint and sheepishly waves to Karen as she blows him a kiss.
Rodney – Oh god.
Ken – I shouldn’t be sitting here.
Rodney – What, dya want to jig by the jukebox?
Ken – My son’s lost out there somewhere.
Rodney – Don’t worry, Del has loads of contacts.
Ken – We should have gone with him.
Rodney – I’m not going down the sewers to talk to a load of old tramps.
Del enters.
Del – Alright Ken. Sorry for lumbering you with Rodney.
Rodney reacts.
Ken – Any joy?
Del – Er, well. It depends what you mean by joy.
Ken – Have you found him.
Del – He’s in lumber with the Gregory brothers. A criminal clan who live up in King’s Avenue.
Ken – Oh god.
Rodney – I know. Full of toffs King’s Avenue in’t it?
Del – Rodney. Go and get me a bottle of baileys.
Rodney – They’re all out. Mike’s expecting a delivery.
Del – Well go somewhere where there is a bottle.
Rodney sighs and exits.
Ken – How much danger is he in Del Boy?
Del – Er…
Ken – No mincing your words.
Del – He’s in about as much trouble as a black Jewish poof with a handicap stuck in a cell with Adolf Hitler.
Ken – Right. I’m glad you didn’t mince your words.
Del – Sorry Kenny.
Ken – Don’t call me Kenny. It reminds me of the unpleasantness of borstal. Can you speak to these boys?
Del – Yeah course. If I don’t come back, send Rodney to the M26. I’m sure my severed head’ll be around there somewhere.
Ken – Please Del. I’ll make it worth your while.
Del – Look… How?
Ken – I’ve got a signed photo of Michael Parkinson.
Del – I’ll pass on that thanks.
Ken – I know. I’ve got a 24 carat watch I won in a card game. You could sell it on. It’d make a few bob.
Del – Alright then. I’ll help ya get your boy out of stuck.
Ken – How?
Del – The old fashioned way. We’ll just have to go round there.
Ken – Are you sure about that?
Del – Yeah. I’ll send Rodney round.
Scene 8 – The Trotters flat, kitchen, night
Rodney is buttering bread. Del is standing by the fridge.
Rodney – Have you taken leave of your senses?
Del – Alright then, we’ll order a Chinese if you’re that bothered about it.
Rodney – I don’t mean the Indian. I mean this stupid plan.
Del – It aint stupid. Solly Atwell tells me Sean Carson owes them a lot of dosh and they’re holding onto him as a slave like.
Rodney – Good god. Did these cave men like history at school?
Del – Their not a family to be messed with. We’ll get in, grab the boy and get out.
Rodney – What if there’s an entire slave camp. It’ll be like something out of Cadfeal.
Del – Oh shut up your tart. We can’t just leave the poor lad. He’s got enough problems.
Rodney – So why are you adding us to his list?
Del – I’ll add you to the list of the dead in a minute.
Scene 9 – Outside the Gregory mansion, day
The Trotters 3 wheeler is parked across the road from the house.
Scene 10 – Trotters Van
Del, Rodney and Ken are inside.
Del – We wait until it gets dark alright.
Ken/Rodney – Right.
Del – I feel like Hannibal Smith.
Rodney – I feel like Wolfie Smith. About to get into deep lumber.
Del – Oh shut up you tart. We’re not jumping over the Berlin wall and smuggling a Nazi out of the city.
Rodney – What do we do, just sit here?
Del – Your right. Sod the plan.
Del exits.
Rodney – The day has finally come. I knew Del’d be what killed me in the end.
Ken – Ever thought of becoming a writer for Crossroads.
Rodney and Ken exit the van.
Scene 11 – The Gregory mansion, driveway
The three Gregory brothers are standing outside by a Mercedes. Del approaches, with Rodney cowering behind him.
Del – Dya want me to pick you up?
Rodney – Shut up.
Del – Len, Carlos, how’s it going Terence?
Terence – Del Boy.
Len – What are you doing loitering on our driveway?
Del – It’s a bit delicate.
Len – It’ll have to wait. I’ve gotta take Carlos to anger management.
Carlos walks right up to Del’s face.
Carlos – Can you believe that, some judge thinks I’ve got anger issues. Who the hell do these people think they are?
Rodney – Judge, Jury and Executioner eh?
Del – Shut up Rodders.
Carlos – I told everyone in court I had sweaty hands. I didn’t mean to drop that weightlifting bar on a constable’s head. I was targeted. Prejudice. That’s what it is. Prejudice.
Carlos grabs a rock and throws it at the Trotters van, smashing the window.
Del – I know, how wrong they were about ya?
Carlos – I do apologise.
Del – Don’t worry. It wasn’t a church window.
Rodney – No, it was older than one of them.
Del gives Rodney evil daggers.
Len – So what dya want before I get Carlos to show you how much his weightlifting skills come in handy.
Ken – I want my son. Sean Carson.
Terance – Oh yeah. the druggie.
Del – I’ve heard worse titles. We’re not leaving here until we get him back. He’s a young lad who’s made a mistake. Now will you release him or am I going to have to make ya?
Rodney – Never become a politician Del.
Len – You’re gonna make us. Huh, you and who’s army?
Del turns around to find Rodney walking quickly back to the van. Del looks at an irriated Len.
Len – You disrespected me Derek. I don’t like that.
A scared Del smiles.
Scene 12 – The Gregory’s mansion, cellar
In a dark cellar, Len comes flying through the door and falls down some stairs. Carlos is stood by the door, with two heavies dragging Del and Rodney inside.
Carlos – You can think of how you’re going to repent for what you said to Len. That’s if we let you out. Mind the rats.
Carlos slams the door shut.
Del – Er hang on a tick.
Rodney – Well done Del Boy, you’ve got us locked up like animals. I wouldn’t put it past that psycho to tie us up, chop us up, cook our bones and feed them to his guests.
Del – God forbid, Boycie lives on King Avenue.
Rodney – This isn’t a joke Tony bloody Soprano.
Del’s attentions turn to Ken.
Del – Bloody hell. Ken!
Rodney – Oh great, we’ve got a body to dispose of now.
Del and Rodney run down to Ken, who is lying on the floor.
Rodney – Shall I give him the kiss of life?
Ken awakes.
Ken – I can think of nothing worse.
Del helps Ken up.
Ken – Oh, I took a right whack.
Rodney – I said Del should have been in front. Never mind.
Del – You’re gonna cop an unfortunate one in a minute ya little dipstick.
Ken – Alright lads. This is no time to fall out. We don’t know how long we’ll be down here.
Del – So the real question is… Who eats who first? Not me for starters.
Rodney – A midget like you would only be starters.
Rodney and Ken sit by a small window, whilst Del walks around, looking through old cabinets and boxes scattered around the cellar. He unearths a bottle of red wine.
Del – Here we go. Numb the pain.
Rodney – I don’t like red wine.
Del – It probably doesn’t like you Rodders. Ken?
Ken – We’re not attending a wine tasting event Del Boy. How’d we get out of here?
Del – Don’t worry. I know this lot. They’re all talk. Give it ten minutes and you two will be fixing my van window.
Rodney – I hope you’re right.
Del – Whenever haven’t I been?
Rodney – I’d tell ya, but in six billion years, the sun’s going to explode.
Del – Somebody’s blood sugar’s dropping.
There’s a bang in an old wardrobe beneath the stairs.
Del – What was that?
Rodney – Trouble in Narnia.
Del – Oh leave it out Rodders. Greece isn’t likely to be on the other side of that door.
Rodney – No I…
Del – Ssh.
There’s a pecking sound coming from the wardrobe.
Ken – Maybe it’s a lion.
Rodney – Or a witch.
Del – Shut up you pair of lily livered losers.
Del moves towards the wardrobe.
Rodney – Careful.
Del – Why? Is the wardrobe going to jump on me and flash its doors in my face? Gordon bennet Rodney, have you been at the Charlie again?
Rodney – Alright. Go ahead. I’m just saying you might lose an arm that’s all.
Del – No that’s you if ya keep on with your wild imagination. Sometimes it’s like living with Oscar Childes.
Rodney reacts.
Rodney – I think you mean Oscar Wilde.
With one eye open, Del opens the wardrobe door to find a parrot in a cage staring back at him.
Rodney – It’s a bird.
Del – It’s a bleedin parrot you plonker.
Rodney – How dya know?
Parrot – Plonker. Plonker.
Del laughs as Rodney sighs.
Rodney – All we need. Something to relay Del’s load of…
Del – Oi, Oi, Oi. You know when people tell ya not to use any curse words in front of children. It’s the same with parrots.
Ken – And Cats.
Del and Rodney react.
Scene 13 – Peckham General, Grandad’s ward, day
Grandad is taking off his pyjama bottoms. A nurse approaches.
Nurse – Mr Trotter. What are you doing?
Grandad – I’m bored. I want to turn my Pyjamas pants into a nice pillow.
Nurse – Why?
Grandad – Well they’ve always been very comfortable on my legs, but they’re on their way out so I don’t need them to be relaxed. A pillow decides how you sleep. These pillows are hard.
Nurse – I know. The Senior charge nurse wanted to cut back so she bought them on a market near the Nyer estate off an annoying little man who tried to chat her up. When she brought them here, we looked inside the pillowcase and found six dead fish.
Grandad – You haven’t still got them have ya? I’ve never had a pet. Have you got any tanks.
Nurse – It’s dead.
Grandad – Beggars can’t be choosers.
Nurse – Well, I can’t stand about here all day. I’ve got other patients.
Grandad – Him over there could do with a bath.
Nurse – He’s smelly isn’t he?
Grandad – No, I just want half an hour without having to look at him showing me how he fell off a diving board.
The nurse laughs and walks off. Grandad tries to get out of bed, but feels a sharp pain that forces him to lie back on his pillow.
Grandad – Never mind fish. It feels like bloody bricks are kept inside.
Scene 14 – Peckham General, corridors
A nurse is escorting a mystery visitor to Grandad’s ward. The identity of the visitor isn’t shown.
Nurse – You came at the right time. He’s been moaning ever since his grandson left.
Scene 15 – Peckham General, Grandad’s ward
Grandad is asleep. The nurse leads the mystery guest in, who’s face isn’t seen.
Nurse – Oh, he’s asleep. I’m sure he’ll love to wake up and see a friendly face.
The nurse leaves and the visitor sits by Grandad’s bed, revealing his face – It’s Reg Trotter.
Reg – Hello old’en. Oh I’m sorry.
Reg looks at Grandad with a tear in his eye.
Reg – I was a useless son. A useless husband and definitely a useless father. Mind you, Del Boy didn’t help. Chucking in a sly punch like that. And as for his mother, she was more popular than Princess Di in Peckham during the 60s, but not in the right sense. Anyway, I’ve come to say goodbye. I’m leaving for Portugal you see. Maybe I can start a new life. Forget the past. I won’t bother with the funeral. Last one I went to the vicar got drunk and thought he was at a christening, and as usual, I got the blame for getting him into that state and turning the vicarage into an over sixties drinking den.
Grandad moves, causing many photos he had been concealing to fall onto the floor. Reg picks them up. There’s a photo of him, Del, Joan (holding baby Rodney), Grandad and Violet. Reg looks at it and sighs.
Reg – Joan thought I was thick. I knew full well Rodney wasn’t mine. Not got the looks for starters. Still, it’s ancient history now. Bye bye dad.
Reg kisses Grandad on the head and walks off. He is stopped in his tracks when machines begin bleeping and nurses begin rushing in, charging around Grandad’s bed.
Scene 16 – Gregory Mansion, cellar.
Rodney – What’s a parrot doing down here?
Del – Maybe it’s for dinner.
Ken – I thought that was us.
Del – How much dya think a parrot would be worth?
Rodney – Do you ever stop?
Del – I see an opportunity. I pounce Rodders.
Rodney – Yeah. Like a snake.
The cellar door opens. Del, Rodney and Ken look up to see Carlos standing by the door.
Rodney – The lonely assassin.
Del – This isn’t a time to be thinking about Shakespeare.
Carlos – Get lost.
Scene 17 – Gregory Mansion, hallway
Del, Ken and Rodney are being released.
Len – Think yourselves lucky I didn’t let Carlos loose on ya. Now get out of my sight and don’t EVER let me see you disrespecting my family again.
Del – Just a minute Len. I had a nice little chat with Solly Atwell yesterday.
Len – Good for you. Are you still here?
Del – He was telling me you’d been throwing a lot of work his way.
Len – I’ll be throwing a lot of wood your way in a minute. Burning wood.
Del – He also told me about several meetings between your good self and Detective Inspector Roy Slater.
Len – Excuse me?
Del – Now I know Slater. I know him well enough to know he’s as bent as a coat hanger.
Len – You’re wasting my time.
Del – I also know he loves big collars. Well, the Driscoll brothers would be a very big collar wouldn’t they? Solly works for them too and he told me he’s had to get them off seven charges this year.
Rodney – It’s only May.
Del – Exactly dopey brother of mine. I wonder how Slater knows when and where the Driscolls are making their move. It’d be very bad if someone had a word in their ear and falsely implied it was their rivals that were bringing them such bad luck. Wouldn’t it?
Len – Alright Del. He’s only a no-mark anyway. He’s no used to us. You can have the little toad, but if anything comes of your little speech, I’ll have your toad.
Len looks at Rodney.
Del – Can’t ya just take him now?
Rodney drags Del away.
Scene 18 – Outside the Gregory Mansion.
Del and Rodney are stood by the van.
Del – Go and ask them if they’ve got a spare window Rodders.
Rodney – Oh yeah and get my face smashed in.
Ken approaches with his son Sean.
Ken – I can’t thank you enough Del Boy.
Del – Don’t mention it.
Rodney – If he ever needs a favour of you, you’ll never here the end of it.
Del – You gonna be alright now?
Ken – Yeah. I’ll get this one back home and sort him out.
Rodney – Should have let them do it for ya.
Del – Shut up Rodders. He don’t mean kick the lad’s randilers in.
Sean – C’mon then If we’re going.
Ken groans in pain.
Del – What’s up?
Rodney – Heart attack?
Ken – Nah. I fell down them cellar stairs didn’t I? Uh, It didn’t half hurt.
Rodney – Best go down the docs and get it looked at.
Del – We’ll run ya down there.
Scene 19 – Peckham General, reception
Del and Rodney watch as Ken limps into a doctor’s office.
Del – We may as well see Grandad whilst we’re here.
Rodney – I hate hospitals.
Del – I thought you loved women in uniforms tending to your needs.
Scene 20 – Peckham General, Grandad’s ward
Del and Rodney enter to find Grandad’s bed empty and a bag on the bed.
Rodney – Where’s he gone?
Del – Probably formed an escape committee. Hope he sends us a postcard from the East End. That’s how far he’ll get.
Rodney – Where’s that friend of his?
Del – Oh, not him. I can’t be doing with him after they day I’ve had. I’d rather go skinny dipping in an Australian jungle.
Del looks through the bag.
Rodney – What’s in there? It’s not anything infectious is it?
Del – No, it’s Grandad’s gear. God, 70 years on this Earth and this is all he has. A few old radio times, a boiled sweet and a tramp’s vest.
Rodney – He’s not a tramp.
Del – No, they wash more often than him.
Rodney – Anything for me in there?
Del – No dirty magazines or Pokémon collection cards.
The nurse who cared for Grandad enters.
Del – Oh hello sweetheart. Can we change our date to this Friday?
Rodney – Never mind that. Where’s our grandfather?
The nurse looks sadly at them.
Rodney – We better go before she calls security to evict her stalker.
Del – I’ll bang you one in a minute Rodney. I swear I will.
Nurse – It’s your grandfather.
Del – What’s the old duffer done now? Has he dropped one or two dozen? They smell worse than a tramp’s armpit.
Nurse – I’m afraid he’s passed away.
Del – Eh?
Del and Rodney look shocked.
Nurse – If it’s any constellation, a man was with him right until the end.
Del – We should have been here.
Rodney – Yeah… We should.
Del and Rodney exchange looks of sadness to one another.
The End
This bit made me laugh: After Carlos throws a brick through the car window.
Del: “Don’t worry. It wasn’t a church window”.
Rodney: “No, it was older than one of them”
I enjoyed it.
How do a submit a video to this website
I enjoyed this script – Sol was really funny and I imagine the delivery of his lines to be hilarious.
Didn’t expect that ending either!
There was a few occasions where you break up an entire scene which is not needed. For instance, when you say Del/Rodney leaves the living room to go to the hallway, I would say that would be one scene rather than two.
Also, a few observations. Boycie lived in Lewisham and not Kings Avenue and the reference to Tony Soprano was funny but this fictional character wasn’t around until the 1990’s! I know he was based on a 1940’s mob boss by a different name though.
And Pokemon cards weren’t about until 1996!
The diving board lines were funny but are you sure you didn’t subconciously steel this from Dinner Ladies? There’s a character in one episode who goes on about falling off a diving board in Guernsey constantly.
I did love the character reference to Wolfie Smith ;-) Very good.
‘Del – Oi, Oi, Oi. You know when people tell ya not to use any curse words in front of children. It’s the same with parrots.
Ken – And Cats’
-EXCELLENT line from Ken – random and weird so makes me laugh.
Just a little question about the discussion between Del and Len below:
Del – He also told me about several meetings between your good self and Detective Inspector Roy Slater
Del – Exactly dopey brother of mine. I wonder how Slater knows when and where the Driscolls are making their move. It’d be very bad if someone had a word in their ear and falsely implied it was their rivals that were bringing them such bad luck. Wouldn’t it?
My question is, Del implied that he knew Len grasses up the Driscoll’s to Slater, but he then says that he wonders how Slater gets the heads up on the Driscoll’s affairs. Well the bit that doesn’t make sense is when he goes on to say ‘ It’d be very bad if someone had a word in their ear and falsely implied it was their rivals that were bringing them such bad luck’
– Surely it’s not falsely implied because according to Del, he knows Len and his lot give Slater the heads up on Driscoll’s business anyway?
A real pedantic bit of feedback but thought I’d bring it up :-)
Very good effort. Well done :-D