Only Fools and Horses Fan script : Electronic Dreams by Kiel Phillips
SCENE 1 – EXT: OUTSIDE THE TROTTERS LOCKUP – DAY
BOTH TROTTER BROTHERS ARE STANDING IN FRONT OF THEIR LOCKUP. IT IS FILLED RIGHT TO THE FRONT WITH BOXES. THE BOXES HAVE ‘QUALITY 24” TV’ WRITTEN ON THEM.
DEL:
We done all right there bruv, eh?
RODNEY:
Yeah! Not half
DEL:
And you didn’t even want to come to the auction. Waste of time you said. Well i’ve proved you wrong ain’t I?
RODNEY:
Don’t go on about it!
DEL:
You just didn’t want to go because you was up half the night trying to get your end away with that sort from Battersea Dogs Home
RODNEY:
She doesn’t work at Battersea Dogs Home
DEL:
No, she lives there. So, did you, you know…
RODNEY:
You are disgusting you are. It’s not like that with me and Miranda. Ours is more an intellectual relationship. We talk about art, the state of the planet, stuff you wouldn’t understand. Sex is the furthest thing from our minds.
DEL:
Yeah, all right Rodney, I believe you. Thousands wouldn’t. Now go on, help Denzil get the last couple of boxes off the van.
DENZIL CAN BE SEEN SITTING KNACKERED AT THE BACK OF HIS VAN HAVING LIFTED ALL THESE TV SETS INTO THE TROTTER LOCK UP
RODNEY:
I can’t, I’ve hurt my hand
DEL:
Eh, how have you done that then?
RODNEY:
Well Miranda bent my fingers back last night when I tried to take her bra off
DEL POINTS AND LAUGHS AT RODNEY
RODNEY:
So, what exactly do we have here?
DEL:
What we have here is the deal of a lifetime Rodders. This is going to set us off on the road to becoming millionaires.
RODNEY:
How much did you pay for them?
DEL:
Six hundred quid
RODNEY:
What’s wrong with them?
DEL:
Nuffink
RODNEY:
Del, you can not buy fifty television sets in perfect working order for six hundred pounds. Now either they’ve got something wrong with them, or they’re nicked.
DEL:
They were bought at an auction. Everything bought at an auction has to be pukka, don’t it. Checked out by the coppers, proper working order and all that. Listen here you silly tart, the electronics superstore in the high street went bust and the auction today was to sell off all their stock to pay the baliffs.
RODNEY:
Ah right, cosmic. Well if they were selling off a load of electronics why didn’t you buy a mixture of stuff?
DEL:
Do me a favour Rodney, you know what the crap in that place was like, half of it never worked.
RODNEY NODS AND THEN REALISES WHAT DEL HAS SAID, BUT BY NOW DEL IS TALKING WITH DENZIL WHO IS CARRYING A BOX, LOOKING LIKE HE HAS JUST RUN A MARATHON
DENZIL:
This is the last one Del Boy
DEL:
Si vous plait Denzil, si vous plait. Just stick it… oh, there’s no room in there. You don’t want to buy a tele do you?
DENZIL:
Not from you I don’t
DEL:
That hurts Denzil. That hurts. Here was me just thinking to myself, Denzil has taken time out of his busy day to help me out, the least I can do is give him the biggest steal of his life. A brand new 24” colour TV with remote control that retails at almost four hundred quid for just seventy five sods.
DENZIL:
Seventy five pounds?
DEL:
Just to you mind, as you’re a mate who has done me a favour. Don’t be going and spreading it around you dipstick.
DENZIL:
I’ve gotta say Del Boy, that’s a great deal, and i’m grateful and all cos Corinne has been on at me to replace the old black and white one we have, but I don’t have that kind of money to spare right now.
DEL:
Don’t worry about that, you can have it on the knock. Let’s say a fiver a week for eighteen weeks.
DENZIL:
Really? You’re a pal Del. I’ll take it
DEL:
You know it makes sense. Now off you go, take that off to Corinne, that’ll put a smile on her face (UNDER BREATH) miserable cow
DENZIL:
Cheers Del, I’ll see you down the Nags Head later maybe?
DEL:
We’ll be there, bonjour Denzil
DENZIL STARTS TO WALK OFF
RODNEY:
Hang on Del, eighteen weeks?
DEL: (WHILE WAVING AND SMILING TO DENZIL)
Shut up Rodney, the fingers on your other hand will bend just as easily
SCENE 2 – INT: NAGS HEAD – EVENING
DEL IS AT THE BAR AND HE IS TALKING TO A RANDOM IRISH MAN
DEL:
Mates rates, for you only, seventy five quid, but don’t go spreading it around.
MAN:
Yeah all right Del
MIKE:
Del
DEL:
Hang on a minute Mike, I’m doing a little bit of business here
MIKE:
I might have a big bit of business for you
DEL:
Be right there Michael (TO MAN) I’ll get Rodney to throw your set round during the week, you can pay him then.
DEL TURNS TO HEAD TOWARDS MIKE AND THEN REMEMBERS SOMETHING AND TURNS BACK
DEL:
And oi, none of that Paddy money either. Pictures of Her Majesty only
DEL NOW HEADS TO TALK TO MIKE
DEL:
Yes Michael.
MIKE:
See that fella over there in the corner, sitting by himself?
DEL:
Oh yeah
MIKE:
Well he was in here earlier today saying he had some quality goods to sell in bulk
DEL:
Did he now?
MIKE:
I told him to come back tonight to see you
DEL:
Well done Michael my son. I tell you what I’m going to do for you. Come here…
MIKE LEANS OVER THE BAR SO DEL CAN TALK TO HIM WITHOUT ANYONE OVERHEARING
DEL:
I have been fortunate enough today to procure some quality 24” colour television sets with remote controls. They retail for three hundred, i’m selling them for half that, but since you have done me a favour tonight I am going to do you one and cut it in half again. Seventy five quid, one time deal.
MIKE:
You’ve got a deal.
MIKE PAYS DEL FROM THE TILL
DEL:
Now give me another drink, one for him in the corner, and take one for yourself Mike
MIKE STARTS GETTING THE DRINKS. BOYCIE AND TRIGGER WALK TO THE BAR BOYCIE FINISHES A JOKE
BOYCIE:
So the nun said “I’ve never come this way before” and the priest says “It must be the cobbles”
BOYCIE STARTS TO LAUGH, TRIGGER DOESN’T
DEL:
Is that the one I told you?
BOYCIE:
Yeah
DEL:
It’s a belter, ain’t it?
TRIGGER:
I don’t think that’s very funny. You shouldn’t joke about priests, my dad was a priest
BOYCIE:
Trigger you don’t know who your dad is. I don’t think your mother had much of an idea to be honest
TRIGGER:
She knew, she used to drop me little hints as to who it was, like when we went to church she used to get me to call the priest “father”
TRIGGER NODS AND WINKS KNOWINGLY
BOYCIE:
No Trig you see…
DEL:
Don’t even try to explain it Boyce
BOYCIE:
Come on Trigger, I’ll get Marlene to drop you off. See you Del Boy.
TRIGGER:
Yeah night Del
DEL:
Yeah, stay lucky boys.
MIKE PUTS THE DRINKS IN FRONT OF DEL.
DEL:
You better give me a communion wine in case Trigger’s dad turns up
MIKE:
Eh?
DEL:
Nothing, nothing
DEL IS ABOUT TO TURN AWAY
MIKE:
That’s three twenty for the drinks
DEL:
Put it on the slate Mike, I haven’t got any money on me
MIKE TRIES TO PROTEST BUT DEL IS ALREADY HALFWAY TO THE MAN IN THE CORNER.
DEL:
Hello, Derek Trotter of Trotters Independent Traders
RICHARD:
Richard Prady
RICHARD IS WELL SPOKEN AND WELL DRESSED, BUT HE HAS A SLIMY LOOK ABOUT HIM
DEL:
So you are looking to sell something then?
RICHARD:
Straight to business Mt Trotter, I like your style
DEL:
Well, get the deal done as quickly as possible, that’s my motto
RICHARD:
And a very sensible one too. Yes, I have a large quantity of quality merchandise for sale for the right price. The landlord here recommended I speak to you.
DEL:
Because he said I buy quality goods?
RICHARD:
Well no, he said you buy any old crap
DEL LOOKS BACK AT MIKE AND GIVE HIM THE EVIL EYE
DEL:
Did he now?
RICHARD:
But I assure you that what I am offering you is of the highest quality.
DEL:
What exactly is it you’re offering?
RICHARD:
Electronics Mr Trotter. Televisions to be more specific.
DEL:
Ah
RICHARD:
Is there a problem?
DEL:
Yeah, you see, just this morning I bought fifty of them
RICHARD:
And how are they selling?
DEL:
Well, I’ve got plenty of orders, yeah
RICHARD:
So why not buy these from me and make double what you were going to make? Because I have about fifty left that I want to sell quickly. You see Mr Trotter, my shop went bankrupt in this bloody recession, and I am trying to sell off as much of my stock as I can before the baliffs get their hands on it.
DEL:
I dunno, I’ve got most of my money tied up in the stock I have already
RODNEY ARRIVES AT THE TABLE
RODNEY:
Del, can I have the keys to the van, I’m taking Miranda out again tonight
DEL HANDS RODNEY THE KEYS
DEL:
Just you keep your hands off her bra you randy little sod, you’re delivering TVs all week, so you’re going to need both hands. Now enchante, enchante
DEL WAVES RODNEY AWAY
RICHARD:
Ah, parlez vous francais?
DEL:
Sorry Dicko, I don’t speak Italian
RICHARD IS TAKEN ABACK FOR A SECOND
RICHARD:
Look Del, I’ll be straight with you, I need to get rid of these sets today. Make me an offer, what did you pay for the televisions you already have?
DEL:
Six (DEL CATCHES HIMSELF) Four hundred pounds.
RICHARD:
I was expecting a bit more than that to be honest, but I suppose beggars can’t be choosers, four hundred pounds and they’re yours.
DEL:
Lovely jubbly
DEL SPITS ON HIS HAND AND HOLDS IT OUT TO SHAKE. RICHARD DOES SO BEGRUDGINLY
SCENE 3 – INT: FLAT – NIGHT
THERE ARE BOXES WITH THE TVS EVERYWHERE. RODNEY IS COMING IN FROM THE KITCHEN WITH CUPS OF TEA AND IT IS LIKE AN OBSTACLE COURSE TO MAKE IT TO THE CHAIRS TO GIVE DEL AND GRANDAD THEIR TEA
RODNEY:
Why can’t we put these in the garage
DEL:
Because dopey, the other sets are in the garage, ain’t they?
RODNEY:
Are you sure there isn’t any more room?
DEL:
You saw yourself this morning when Denzil was packing them in there, every inch is accounted for.
GRANDAD:
Can I have one Del Boy?
DEL:
Course you can Grandad.
GRANDAD:
Cheers Del, it’ll be good to have three TVs again
DEL:
I’ll do you a blinding deal. Family discount These usually retail at three hundred, you can have it for seventy f….
GRANDAD:
You’re making me pay?
DEL:
Pay? At the price I’m offering it to you you may as well be stealing it
RODNEY:
Bet it wouldn’t be the first time these have been stolen
DEL:
What do you mean by that?
RODNEY:
You bought them off a bloke in a pub you know nothing about
DEL:
Do you think I’m stupid or something? Look, his shop went bust, he just wants to get as much money as he can for his stock before the scavengers are in and whip it off to an auction. This way he has four hundred notes in his back pocket, we have double the number of TVs, and instead of making over three grand profit, we make over six.
RODNEY:
I don’t like it, there is something dodgy about it
DEL:
Oh shut up you tart
GRANDAD:
You have no faith in people Rodney, that’s your problem. If Del tells you it’s all above board just take his word for it.
DEL:
Thank you grandfather
GRANDAD:
About the tele
DEL:
Flamin’ hell. All right, you can have one. But don’t be moaning next month when you don’t get a birthday present, cos this is it.
GRANDAD:
Cheers Del Boy
GRANDAD GETS UP AND STARTS TO LOOK AROUND ALL THE BOXES
RODNEY:
What are you doing?
GRANDAD:
I’m choosing which one I want.
RODNEY:
It doesn’t matter which one you choose does it? They’re all the same
GRANDAD:
You have to get the feel for one, I might just go down and look at the ones in the garage
DEL:
Bleedin’ hell, look just take this one here
GRANDAD:
Yeah, all right. Will you set it up for me Del?
DEL:
You’re a lazy old sod and so, ain’t ya. You can’t do anything for yourself. It’s always left to me to do everything. Rodney, set that tele up for him.
RODNEY STARTS TO SET UP THE TV.
DEL:
You start delivering these tomorrow Rodney. We’ll be living like kings when we’ve knocked all these out. You can buy Miranda a nice bit of jewellery, sweeten her up a bit. Nice little diamond encrusted collar or a chew toy. Here, you know what would really get your plates under the table, or hanging out the bottom of her bed is what your hoping for I bet
RODNEY:
I told you it ain’t like that… So, what then?
DEL:
Ah I knew it
RODNEY:
No, I’m just interested in hearing more of your relationship advice so I know what to avoid doing
DEL:
What do you mean by that you saucy little git?
RODNEY:
Del, you have been engaged more times than BT. People have longer holidays than you have relationships.
DEL:
And is that my fault? When dear old mum went up to heaven and dad cleared off I was lumbered with you weren’t I? Grandad was there, but he was about as useful as an ashtray on a motorbike. When I did meet a girl we’d date for a week or two and then I’d bring her back here. She was greeted with the sight of Grandad sitting in that chair in his vest and his pants and you covered in rusks with a full nappy sitting there doing your homework. What girl wants to stick around for that? No. I gave up the best years of my life to look after you and what thanks do I get? I’m going to bed.
DEL HEADS OFF TO HIS BEDROOM AND RODNEY HANGS HIS HEAD
RODNEY:
I am grateful for everything he done
GRANDAD PATS RODNEY ON THE SHOULDER
GRANDAD:
You and me both son
THEY BOTH HAVE A COUPLE OF SECONDS TO THINK ABOUT THIS. RODNEY WIPES A TEAR FROM HIS EYE AND STAND UP
RODNEY:
Right, I think it’s ready. Just need to put the batteries in the re… What did he mean I sitting with a full nappy and doing my homework?
GRANDAD:
Well, you were a bit slow at potty training
RODNEY:
Slow? I must have been bloody backwards. Didn’t you ever take me to the doctor or a specialist to see if there was a problem?
GRANDAD:
Yeah, we did think about it for a while, but then we decided you was probably just stupid
RODNEY:
Oh thank you very much
GRANDAD:
Well you can go to the toilet now can’t ya?
RODNEY:
Of course I can
GRANDAD:
Well stop bloody complaining then. Here, give me that remote control.
RODNEY HANDS IT OVER AND GRANDAD TURNS ON THE TV. IT IS THE NEWS.
NEWSREADER:
And finally tonight, Police in the Peckham area of London are on the lookout for stolen electronics. Up to two hundred television sets were stolen from a warehouse in the early hour of this morning. Five armed men broke into the building and tied up the two security guards. The public are asked to contact the Peckham police station if they have any information or are offered what they believe to be the stolen sets.
SCENE 4 – INT: VAN – EARLY MORNING
THE BROTHERS ARE IN THE VAN
DEL:
You better not be having me on Rodney.
RODNEY:
It was on the news.
DEL:
You can’t believe what those plonkers say though.
RODNEY:
Del, the police are looking for these
DEL:
Yeah, but they’ll soon stop looking. Those wallys couldn’t find their arse with both hands. We just need to sit on them for a while.
RODNEY:
We can’t Del. It was an armed robbery. Once they find out we are selling TVs they are going to be round our place faster than you can say “you’re nicked”.
DEL:
I don’t believe I’m going to do this. Right, come on before I change my mind.
THEY GET OUT OF THE VAN AND WE SEE THAT THEY ARE BESIDE A RIVER. THEY GRAB A BOX EACH FROM THE BACK OF THE VAN AND THROW THEM IN.
DEL:
Look at all that money just sinking away
RODNEY:
You’ve still got the other ones, you’ll still make a big profit.
DEL:
But I wanted more. That money was going to do things. I was going to do things, maybe play the stock market a bit, get the money working for me.
RODNEY:
You can still do it
DEL:
What’s the point bruv? There’s no luck for people like us. We’re born, we drag our arses along and we die.
RODNEY:
Come on, this time next year we’ll be millionaires
DEL:
Maybe bruv, maybe, but i’m not holding my breath. Come on, we better get moving, we have another couple of runs to do before it gets light.
SCENE 5 – INT: FLAT – MORNING
DEL AND RODNEY ENTER, TIRED AFTER THE NIGHTS WORK. DEL FLOPS DOWN ONTO THE CHAIR. GRANDAD COMES IN FROM THE KITCHEN.
GRANDAD:
You want a cup of tea?
DEL:
Yeah, go on then
GRANDAD:
When are you giving me a new TV?
DEL:
Eh?
GRANDAD:
You said you had to get rid of the one you gave me last night and you’d get me a new one
DEL:
Not now grandad, I’ve got a headache
GRANDAD:
I were only asking, I mean it were my birthday present
DEL:
Cor blimey, all right. Rodney, go to the garage and bring up a TV will ya
RODNEY:
Oh bloody hell
DEL:
Just do it will you
RODNEY HEADS OUT. GRANDAD GOES INTO THE KITCHEN. DEL FLICKS ON THE TV. IT IS THE NEWS.
NEWSREADER:
All two hundred of the stolen sets were found in a lock up on the south side of the town. Police have arrested three men who are now helping them with their enquires.
DEL:
I don’t believe it, I just don’t believe it.
DEL STANDS UP
DEL:
I’m going to kill him.
DEL HEADS OUT
DEL: (O.O.V)
Rodney!
SCENE 6 – EXT: THE LOCKUP – MORNING
DEL AND RODNEY ARE STANDING IN FRONT OF THE LOCKUP. THE SHUTTER IS UP AND THE LOCKUP IS EMPTY. DEL SLOWLY WALKS INTO THE SPACE ONCE OCCUPIED BY THE TELEVISIONS. HE LIFTS UP A LAMP SHADE IN THE UNLIKELY HOPE THAT FIFTY TELEVISIONS ARE PACKED IN UNDERNEATH IT.
RODNEY:
Look on the bright side, at least we know we won’t be getting done for handling stolen property, eh?
DEL:
Well we were handling stolen property, the thing is, it was stolen from us! How the hell did this happen? Are you sure you locked it up when Denzil was finished yesterday morning?
RODNEY:
I thought you did it
DEL:
I asked you to do it
RODNEY:
No you didn’t
DEL:
I did, I always ask you to lock up. Mum said to me on her death bed, she said “Del Boy, make sure Rodn…”
RODNEY:
Don’t you bloody dare finish that sentence. I’m not taking the blame for this.
DEL:
Well how the bleedin’ hell did it happen?!
RODNEY:
They were probably professionals. They were most likely at the auction to see who bought what and then followed you back here. The door most probably was locked, but they’ll have had all the right tools to make it look like nobody had even been here.
DEL:
You’re most probably right. I tell you what, if I meet that Richard fella again, he’ll be joining those TVs.
RODNEY:
Just phone the police
DEL:
No way Pedro
RODNEY:
Why not? That was legit stock, you have receipts to prove it
DEL:
Oh yeah, they’d love that down the station. Del Boy buys his own stock and chucks it in the river. I’d never live it down. On top of that I’d be up in court for fly tipping. No bruv, this is it, this is the end of Trotters Independent Traders.
RODNEY:
No come on, we’ve still got all this other stock
DEL:
Rodney, we were robbed, this was the crap they left behind. If someone ain’t gonna take it for free how the bleedin’ hell am I supposed to sell it?
RODNEY:
If anyone can you can Del. He who dares wins. Come on eh? We’ll load up the suitcase and by the end of the day it’ll be empty, our pockets will be full and you’ll have forgotten all about those rotten TVs.
DEL:
You really believe that? You really think I can do it?
RODNEY:
Course I do. I know I don’t say it to you, but I look up to you. The way you duck and dive, how you never let anything get you down, how you’ll drop anything and anyone for someone you care about. You’re my hero Del.
DEL HAS A BIT OF A TEAR IN HIS EYE
DEL:
Shut up you soppy tart. All right Rodney, you have a butchers and see what we can knock out, I’ll fetch the suitcase from the van.
RODNEY:
Yeah, you know it makes sense.
DEL WALKS TO THE VAN, HE PUTS HIS HAND ON THE HANDLE OF THE BACK DOOR AND LOOKS BACK AT RODNEY SEARCHING THE LOCKUP WITH A SMILE ON HIS FACE. HE THEN TURNS ROUND AND PULLS THE DOOR OPEN
DEL:
What a plonker
THE END