ONLY FOOLS AND HORSES
(A Script by Pete Rigby) Part 1 | 2 | 3 | 4
“They think it’s all Over part 5”
Scene 16
EXT. YARD. NIGHT
DEL: Right, are you ready?
TRIGGER: Yep.
DEL: Ok. ‘NOW!!’
Del throws the ball. The dogs run after it. Trigger runs to the gate and swipes it and runs back.
DEL: Good boy Trig. See! How easy was that? Right, Rodney. You’re next.
RODNEY: Where’s the ball?
TRIGGER: In that dog’s mouth.
RODNEY: You better get it out then.
DEL: Up yours!
RODNEY: Well, we’ll just have to leave that gate won’t we?
DEL: We can’t leave that gate. If Bobby finds out we haven’t swiped it, he won’t pay us. Look, I’ll distract the dogs and you run over to the gate sharpish.
RODNEY: What if the dogs see me?
DEL: That’s why you’ve got your whistle.
RODNEY: Ok. I’m not happy about this though.
DEL: Right, are you ready?
RODNEY: No.
DEL: Good. Right. Go!
Rodney runs over to the other gate. Del tries to distract the dogs.
DEL: Here doggy doggy. Good doggy doggy. Look! Cats.
The dogs see Rodney running and chase after him. Rodney looks behind him and sees the dogs. He runs into a small caged pen. The dogs follow him in. Del and Trigger follow. Del locks Rodney and the dogs in the pen together. One of the dogs start to hump Rodney’s leg.
RODNEY: How do I get him to stop?
TRIGGER: Why don’t you fake an orgasm?
RODNEY: Shut up Trig! I’m gonna kill you Del!
The dog momentarily lets go of Rodney’s leg.
DEL: I told you, you should have blown your whistle. Quick, just climb over the fence into the street and I’ll let you in through the side gate. We can leave the dogs in here all night and let them out in the morning. Bobby will never know. And we don’t have to worry about the dogs for the rest of the night.
RODNEY: Ok. But YOU are letting them out in the morning. I ain’t going anywhere near those dogs again.
DEL: Ok. Ok.
Rodney climbs over the fence. Del swipes the side gate open and lets Rodney into the yard. They walk back to the porta-cabin forgetting to secure the gate.
RODNEY: What about the dogs? They’re gonna bark all night.
DEL: You know that ‘saying’?
RODNEY: What ‘saying’?
DEL: The one about a dogs bark being worse than its bite?
RODNEY: Yeh.
DEL: Well it’s cobblers. Believe me. They’re staying in there. They can bark all they like.
Del and Rodney return to the porta-cabin.
Scene 17
EXT. YARD. NIGHT
We see the men in the porta-cabin playing cards. The camera pans out to the side gate. We see a young man enter the gate.
Scene 18
INT. PORTA-CABIN. MORNING
Rodney and Trigger are asleep on the sofa’s. Trigger and Del are asleep on chairs. The porta-cabin door swings open.
BOBBY: I’m gonna kill you Trotter!
DEL: Calm down Bob. What’s the matter?
BOBBY: What’s the matter? What’s the matter? I’ll tell you what’s the matter. Some dopey idiot left the side gate open.
DEL: Bloody hell. The dogs didn’t get out did they?
BOBBY: No Del. They didn’t get out. Well, it was a bit difficult considering they were locked up in the pen all night. But some dogs got in though.
DEL: Nothing was stolen was it?
BOBBY: Only the bloody England shirts that you were meant to be guarding.
DEL: We didn’t see anything, did we boys?
EVERYONE: No.
BOBBY: Well you wouldn’t have would you because you were all fast asleep for most of the night.
DEL: I’m sorry Bobby, what are you gonna do?
BOBBY: I’ll show you what I’m gonna do.
Bobby punches Del on the nose.
Scene 19
INT. DENZIL’S CAR. MORNING
Del is holding his head back. He has a blood stained handkerchief pressed against his nose.
DEL: I think it’s broken.
RODNEY: Good. I hope you are disfigured for life.
TRIGGER: Yeh, we’ve just worked 12 hours for nothing.
DEL: I’ll get your money, don’t worry.
RODNEY: How?
DEL: I don’t know yet, I’ll sort something out.
DENZIL: Don’t get any blood on my seats.
DEL: Denzil, your seats are covered in tomato sauce anyway.
DENZIL: So?
DEL: So, a little bit of blood ain’t gonna make any difference is it?
Denzil pulls up outside Trotters flat. Del, Rodney and Trigger get out.
DENZIL: Right, I’m going home for some kip.
TRIGGER: But you’ve only just woke up.
DENZIL: I know. Good innit?
Denzil drives off.
DEL: Right, you open up the stall Trig. We’ll see you later.
TRIGGER: What do you mean, ‘you’ll see me later?’
DEL: Well, you know I said we can all have an extra day’s holiday?
TRIGGER: Yeh.
DEL: Well, we’ve booked ours for today.
TRIGGER: Today?
DEL: Yeh.
TRIGGER: Who has?
DEL: All of us.
TRIGGER: All of ya? But I’ve been awake for 26 hours. And now you want me to do a whole day’s shift on my own?
DEL: Yeh.
Trigger takes his mobile out of his pocket and dials a number. Del’s mobile starts ringing.
DEL: Hello?
TRIGGER: Hello, is that Del?
DEL: Is that you Trig?
TRIGGER: Yes. I’m just phoning to say I won’t be coming to work today. I’m sick.
Del shakes his head.
I cant see trigger having a mobile phone in 1986?
I never really got it. Of course I love the classic scenes; chandelier & falling through the bar, in fact I’m not a big fan of David Jason although he was a voice in Dangermouse and that WAS a funny show.
Fab Pete