ONLY FOOLS AND HORSES
“They think it’s all Over part 6”
INT. FLAT. EVENING
Del is standing in front of the mirror in the living-room straightening his tie. He has a plaster on his nose and a thick bruised lip. Albert is sat in his armchair. Rodney walks in from the hall-way.
ALBERT: What are you all dolled up for?
DEL: I’m taking Belinda out for a meal.
RODNEY: Again! Blimey, it must be serious.
DEL: I hope so Rodders. She’s very sophisticated. Just like me.
RODNEY: You? You think sophistication is buying a microwave meal from Marks and Spencer.
DEL: She’s classy too.
ALBERT: Nothing to do with her being a millionaire then?
DEL: It hadn’t even crossed my mind.
A car bibs its horn. Del peers out of the window.
DEL: Right, that’ll be Belinda. I’d better be off. Don’t wait up. What are you going to do tonight Rodney? Any plans?
RODNEY: Nah, I think I’ll just stay in and watch a film.
DEL: Ok. See ya later.
ALBERT: See ya son.
RODNEY: Yeh. Say hello to Belinda.
Del goes to leave the flat, closing the living room door behind him. He returns 5 seconds later.
DEL: They’re in a box under my bed.
Rodney shakes his head.
INT. CAR. EVENING
Belinda is sitting in the driver’s seat. Del opens the passenger door and gets in.
BELINDA: Oh my God. What happened to you?
DEL: It’s okay. It’s nothing. I was just helping out a mate.
BELINDA: What were you? Ricky Hatton’s sparring partner?
DEL: You could say that.
INT. RESTAURANT. NIGHT
Del and Belinda have eaten and are waiting for the bill.
DEL: Cracking meal.
The waiter places the bill on the table. Del picks it up.
BELINDA: No. No. Let me get this.
Belinda searches in her hand-bag for her purse.
BELINDA: Oh damn. I’ve only gone and left my credit card at home.
DEL: No worries. I’ll get this.
BELINDA: I promise. The next meal’s on me.
DEL: Don’t mention it. I thought we might go back to mine after and, you know, have a coffee? What do you say?
BELINDA: Well, I should be getting home really. I have a busy day tomorrow.
DEL: That’s a shame cos I’ve got my completed order form AND the money, in cash of course.
BELINDA: You’re right. If the boss can’t have the morning off then who can?
DEL: That’s the spirit.
INT. FLAT. NIGHT
Del and Belinda are in the living room sat on a settee drinking coffee. Del is getting amorous.
DEL: Has anyone ever told you, you have beautiful eyes?
BELINDA: Only my Optician. Can you tell me where the bathroom is?
DEL: Just down the hall by the front-door.
DEL: Give the chain 2 hard tugs otherwise it won’t go down.
Belinda shakes her head. She walks down the hall towards the bathroom. Del shouts out.
DEL: The fresh air spray’s under the sink.
BELINDA: (whispers to herself) Peasant.
Belinda runs into the bathroom. She takes out her mobile phone and dials a number. We hear her real accent for the first time. It’s a Cockney accent.
BELINDA: Hello Carol, it’s Tracey. Listen, you couldn’t do me a favour could you? Call me back in 3 minutes and when I answer hang-up. Just do it. I’ll explain later.
Belinda gives the toilet 2 hard tugs and returns to the living room. Del has dimmed the lights. Belinda sits next to Del. Her phone rings.
BELINDA: Hello Mum. Oh dear. Don’t worry. I’ll come straight over. Yes. Yes. Bye.
DEL: What’s up?
BELINDA: That was my mum. She’s had a little fall. I’d better go and make sure she’s Ok.
DEL: Oh that’s a shame. I’ve just opened a box of twiglets.
BELINDA: Oh, what a shame. My favourite. Another time, maybe?
DEL: Of course.
BELINDA: Now, if I just take your order form and cash?
DEL: Yeh, I’ve got it right here sweetheart.
Del gives Belinda a brown envelope containing £2,000 in cash. Belinda puts the envelope in her bag.
BELINDA: I’ll process the form for you tomorrow. Your stock should be with you within the week.
DEL: But I’ll be seeing you before then won’t I?
BELINDA: Of course you will Del, I can’t go that long without you.
Del goes to give Belinda a kiss on the lips. Belinda moves her head and Del’s kiss lands on her cheek.
BELINDA: Thanks for a lovely evening. I’ll call you.
DEL: Yes, take care darling. Give my love to your mother.
BELINDA: My mother? Oh yes. Of course. Thank-you. Bye.
Belinda leaves the flat. We see Del at the window waving her goodbye like a love-sick teenager.
EXT. STREET. EVENING. THE FOLLOWING DAY
Del is walking with his mobile pressed to his ear.
DEL: Alright Rodders? ………..Good, good……………Listen Rodney, I’m just gonna have a quick half in a little wine bar. I’ll be home in half hour………..yes……….yes…………bye mate.
Del enters the bar.
INT. BAR. EVENING
Del walks into the bar. Before he orders a drink he spots Belinda at a table with another man, Vinnie Robson. They are kissing. Before Belinda notices Del he slips out of the bar, obviously upset.
INT. TROTTERS GARAGE. DAY
Del and Rodney are in the store-room doing a stock-take.
RODNEY: Here, how’s it going with Belinda? You haven’t mentioned her lately.
DEL: There is no Belinda.
RODNEY: What do you mean? I thought it was all going well.
DEL: It was. Until I spotted her with another bloke.
RODNEY: No. Who?
DEL: Do you know Vinnie Robson?
RODNEY: The guy who runs the cash and carry?
DEL: Yeh, that’s him. Well I popped into that little bar along the Old Kent Road last night. And there she was. All over him.
RODNEY: I always thought there was something iffy about her. So what did you do?
DEL: Nothing. I slipped out before she recognized me. Anyway, I made a few phone calls and it turns out she’s at it with all the businessmen round here.
RODNEY: What? She’s a sex maniac?
DEL: No, you plonker. She’s a con-man. Or woman.
RODNEY: How do you mean?
DEL: Apparently she be-friends businessmen. Like myself. Gets a few free dinners and drinks. Then she slowly reels them in by flashing the eyes and legs. Then she waits til she’s won your trust then gets you to put in a big order. Then takes your money. In cash. Then you never see her again. I mean, it’s genius innet? She’s probably got different brochures to cater for every kind of business.
RODNEY: What about all her stock?
DEL: There is no bloody stock. It’s all a con Rodney. I’m just gonna have to write the money off mate.
RODNEY: I wondered how she could afford that flash motor.
DEL: She couldn’t. Mugs like us paid for it.
RODNEY: Why don’t you give that Vinnie Robson a call?
DEL: And say what? Oh, you know that Belinda you’re seeing? Well, I’ve been slipping her one too. And she’s done me out of 2 grand. Can you imagine it? No Rodders, if word gets round that Del Trotter has been turned over by a middle-aged woman I’ll be a laughing stock. No-one would wanna do business with me. I’ll never be able to show my face again.
RODNEY: I suppose so.
DEL: You win some, you lose some.
RODNEY: Or in our case, we win nothing and lose everything. I’m sorry Del. Now I know why her friends called her Bee.
RODNEY: B for Bitch.
DEL: I was thinking more ‘Born out of wedlock’.
Rodney smiles in agreement.
INT. NAG’S HEAD. EVENING
Del is sat at a table drinking. A young man walks in and sits at Del’s table.
JAKE: Alright Del?
DEL: Alright Jake? How’s things?
JAKE: Not bad. Not bad. Here, I’ve got some gear you might be interested in.
DEL: Oh yeh. What have you got?
JAKE: Football shirts.
Del looks up.
DEL: What kind of football shirts?
JAKE: England football shirts. The new strip.
DEL: Yeh. And where did you get them from?
JAKE: Come on Del, you don’t ask questions like that.
DEL: I do. Especially when they’ve been nicked from a warehouse that I was guarding.
DEL: I know exactly where you got those shirts. And because of you, me and my boys have been given the sack and we ain’t gonna get paid.
JAKE: Blimmin’ heck. Are they hot Del?
DEL: Hot? Hot? They’re so bloody hot you’ll need oven gloves and protective goggles just to open the package.
JAKE: What am I gonna do?
DEL: Well you could pop round to Bobby Rampling’s house and tell him.
JAKE: Not Bobby ‘bone-crusher’ Rampling? What’s it got to do with him?
DEL: It was his warehouse that you burgled you twit.
JAKE: Can’t you take them off my hands Del?
DEL: No chance.
JAKE: You can have them for nothing. And I’ll give you 50 quid for your troubles.
DEL: That’s more like it. Meet me round the back in 5 minutes.
JAKE: Ok Del.
DEL: And not a word about this to anyone.
INT. NAG’S HEAD. NIGHT
Del is on the phone.
DEL: Is that Slippery Sean? Hello mate, Del-Boy here. Listen, I’ve got something here that’s gonna make you go weak at the knees. I’m at the Nag’s. Meet me here in half hour.
Del puts the phone down and rubs his hands.