Continuing from yesterday we pick up part 2 of Only Fools Fan Kiel Phillips presents a superb script called Broke circa series 2
Only Fools fan script – Broke – Part 2
SCENE 2 – FLAT – EVENING
GRANDAD IS SITTING WATCHING HIS TWO TVS IN HIS USUAL SPOT, DEL AND RODNEY ENTER BOTH LOOKING OUT OF BREATH.
DEL: I tell you what, i can’t wait to get petrol in the van again. Come on Rodney you lazy little plonker, put down that suitcase and get the kettle on. Alright there Grandad.
GRANDAD: Not too bad, business any better today Del Boy?
DEL: Worse if you’d believe it. Come on Rodney, hurry up, I’m parched.
RODNEY: I don’t know how, you drank my tea
DEL: It’s a long walk ain’t it? Anyway it was getting cold, we can’t afford to be wasteful. Would you like a cup grandad?
GRANDAD: There’s no milk
DEL: That’s not a problem, we can have it without
GRANDAD: No teabags either
DEL: Gordon Bennet, leave the tea Rodney, sit down. Blimey we’ve been skint before but I’ve never known it this bad. I tell you, I’m not coming home tomorrow until that suitcase is empty
GRANDAD: Where are you taking it Del, downtown Tokyo?
DEL: You saucy old git. No there has to be a way to sell these, i just have to change my sales pitch.
RODNEY: What if… no you’ll think it’s stupid
DEL: No, no i won’t, what is it Rodney?
RODNEY: Right, what if we don’t tell the punters that they’re Chinese
DEL: Don’t be so bloody stupid you wallybrain. They’re going to know we’re lying to them when we do a demonstration
RODNEY: But what if we don’t do a demonstration
DEL: But they’re going to want to see that they work ain’t they
RODNEY: What if we tell them that the reason they are so cheap is because the batteries aren’t included, we can easily take them out.
DEL: No, we can’t con the punters, if we do they’ll never buy anything from us again
RODNEY: Del, when someone buys something from us they never buy anything again anyway
DEL: No, it’s not right, you know me, i like to be straight in business, not do anything dodgy. Keep it all above board, that’s my motto.
RODNEY AND GRANDAD REACT
GRANDAD: How did you get lumbered with them anyway?
DEL: Well, i was a bit worse for wear in the Nags Head and it sounded like a good deal. 300 kids learning toys at a nicker a piece, i thought they’d fly out of the case.
RODNEY: Who did you buy them off?
DEL: Trigger
RODNEY: And where did he get them from?
DEL: He nicked them. Anyway, come on I’m starving, what’s for dinner?
GRANDAD: Well I’ve got some sausages and a tin of tuna
DEL: Tuna? Oh Gawd no, I’ll have the sausages
GRANDAD: Think I’ll join ya
RODNEY: Sausages for me too
GRANDAD: Sorry Rodney, there ain’t enough for three, you’ll have to have the tuna
RODNEY: But i don’t bloody like tuna
GRANDAD: In my day and age you had to eat what you could get, didn’t matter whether you liked it or not. You kids these days don’t even know you’re born.
RODNEY: Well if you’re so used to it you have the tuna
GRANDAD: I don’t like tuna
RODNEY: Well why did you buy it then?
GRANDAD: Cos it were all i could afford
DEL: Alright, calm down you two, Grandad, you’ll just have to make the sausages stretch
GRANDAD: We’d only get two each
DEL: Eh, oh, Rodney, you’re having the tuna
RODNEY GETS UP AND HEADS TO THE BEDROOM
RODNEY: Sod that, I’m going to bed
DEL: Rodney, no look, come back here. Come on Grandad, get the pan on, we’ll just have two each.
GRANDAD: Alright Del
GRANDAD GETS UP AND GOES TO THE KITCHEN AND RODNEY COMES AND SITS BACK ON HIS SEAT AT THE TABLE. DEL GETS UP AND HEADS TO THE BAR, HE LIFTS A FEW BOTTLES AND IS ANNOYED TO FIND THEM ALL EMPTY, DISAPPOINTED HE HEADS TO THE DOG CIGAR JAR ON TOP OF THE TV, HAS A LOOK INSIDE THEN LIFTS IT AND TURNS IT UPSIDE DOWN. EMPTY.
DEL: Couldn’t half murder an erotic cocktail.
RODNEY: (NOT LISTENING) Mmmm
DEL: Even a half of the Nags Head gut rot would do
RODNEY: Mmmm
DEL: What about you Rodders, would you fancy that?
RODNEY: Mmmm
DEL: Still, i wouldn’t get the same level of stimulating conversation as i get here.
RODNEY: Eh, sorry, i was miles away
DEL: I was just saying, you fancy popping down to the Nags Head for a swift half later on?
RODNEY: We’ll we can’t can we
DEL: Oh i know we’re potless, never worry about that, we can stick it on the slate
RODNEY: No, didn’t they say nothing else on the slate until you’d paid it off
DEL: (REMEMBERING) Oh yeah. I tell you, that new guvnor, Mike is it, he’s destroying that place. I’m thinking about changing my local
RODNEY: Yeah, that’ll show him Del, boost his profits by not paying for your drinks somewhere else
DEL: He gets his money. Eventually
GRANDAD COMES INTO THE ROOM WITH THE PAN, HE SHOWS IT TO DEL, IT HAS SIX BLACK LUMPS IN IT WHICH ARE ON FIRE
GRANDAD: Del Boy, I’ve burnt the sausages
you write these old ones so well mate. really enjoying this!
Si.
Thank you. Glad you’re enjoying it.