Todays Only Fools & Horses Fans script (written in honour of the late John Sullivan) by David Strutt.
The scene is the Trotters flat in Mandela Buildings Peckham, as the family gather to hold an Extraordinary Business Meeting of Trotters International Trading, following the breakdown of their beloved Reliant Robin van which had to be towed into Boycie’s garage for repair.
Present: Del Boy (Chairman) Raquel (Company sec.) Uncle Albert (Finance) Rodney (Transport sec.)
Del: ‘ Right, in view of the recent set backs to our agreed business plan’…….
Rodney: ‘What plan Del?
Del: ‘To earn a crust with our burgeoning overseas facilities in the European market you silly git!
Albert: ‘ Bimey Del, We’ve ‘ad enough trouble trying to shift them wind-up mobile phones in Peckham market lately, without goin’ abroard’
Del: ‘That’s ‘cause we’re on the cutting edge of technology. I well remember they was cynical at Clive Sinclair with the first pocket calculator. Anyway, the main business to discuss tonight is about the tragic breakdown of our iconic Reliant Robin business van.’
Albert: ‘It wasn’t my fault Del boy – honest! Rodney’s Transport Sec. so ee should ‘ave checked the oil level more often!’
Rodney: ‘Wadya mean uncle? I always check it once every two years regardless of the mileage!’
Del: ‘ Strewth, can’t you do anything right you plonker!. Now our poor van is in the clutches of that smarmy, git Boycie, who I’ve ‘eard is going to write the van off for scrap metal. Anyway what about the insurance on it Albert?’
Albert: E’rm…Sorry Del boy, I’ve ‘ad a lot on me plate lately..I think it’s recently run ahht’
Raquel: ‘As a matter of fact Albert, it ran out six months ago!.’
Del: ‘Gordon Bennett! No wonder Boycie’s looking so smug lately’
Raquel: ‘What’s he offering for part exchange then Rodney?’
Rodney; ‘As transport manager I’ve had a gander at Boycie’s alternatives.
Del: ‘Which is’?…..
Rodney: ‘I don’t know if he’s taking the proverbial but e’es got a nice little motor bike and side- car goin’cheap’
Del: ‘E’es ‘avin a laugh aint he!, We couldn’t get our esteemed Trotters International Trading logo on the body of a sidecar!……..
Albert: ‘Well, Del, I suppose we could copy the branding of some of the giants of British Industry’
Raquel ; ‘In what way Albert’?
Albert: ‘They abbreviate their full title with letters. After all, everyone knows who BHS, M&S and RAC are, so we could do the same and continue trading’ as T.I.T.,.. get it?
Del: ‘You must be jokin’! what sort of business image does that give us’?
Raquel: ‘Too right Del, I certainly won’t be riding in a sidecar with those letters on the side!’
Del: ‘Exactly my dearest, I didn’t think you would’
Rodney; ‘Right on Del, it took ages for you to live down that incident when you were caught sharing our three wheeler with that blow-up doll’!
Del: ‘Blimey, too true Rodders, I well remember I had to put up with the chants of “Del Boy’s got a sex toy” every time I visited the pub, as well as getting me to lean on the ‘missing’ bar counter again.! when I ‘eard Trigger sneering, “I see Del’s fallen for the new ale we’re all trying”!
Albert: ‘As Finance Director, I’ve got one or two ideas that could ‘elp our income during our company’s recession. Let’s see the boys in the pub and pool our resources to do a treble chance syndicate on the pools?
Del: ‘Strewth, we’ll all be retired before that ever comes up Albert, and you may not even be …….
Albert: ‘Even what Del?
Del: ‘Er mm…. even able to enjoy it – being older by then. Anyway I’m thinkin’ of contactin’ me old mate Freddy Huggins who’s on the local bookies ‘stop list’
Rodney: ‘Why, is he winning too often’?
Raquel: ‘No, I’ve heard he’s run up a slate of a few hundred quid’
Rodney;(tapping his nose) ‘Apparently ‘is brother works at Kempton Park racecourse and slips him a hot tip now and then’
Raquel: ‘Anything like the ‘hot tip’ that that cost us fifty quid on a ‘cert thing’ recently. as I remember that red-hot nag struggled in at the end….
Del: ‘Yeah, but it did finish fourth
Raquel : ‘Out of five runners’! However, as Company secretary it looks as if we might be better off going bankrupt and cutting our losses’
Del: ‘No way Raquel, we’ve coped with bad luck in the past. What about when we ‘ad that fire in the stock room last year?.
Rodney: ‘ Del, we did warn you about them dodgy fireworks from Korea’
Del: ‘Listen Rodders, we Trotters are made of sterner stuff. We ain’t givin’ up without a fight. I may have to pawn me gold Rolex and give up cigars for a while, but I believe in fate myself.
Albert: ‘You ain’t talkin’ abaht that latest Fete on Peckham Green when we had to scarper quickly because………..
Del: ‘Shut up uncle and listen up everyone. The other night I had a vivid dream. We was in the lock-up store with Raquel’s dad when we came across an old pocket watch which he got quite excited about…. The rest is all a bit fuzzy except I remember waking up suddenly and shouting…. “This time next year, we’ll be MIL-YONAIRES’!!
THE END
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I liked the script. But what was the actual plot/storyline? Because there seemed to be a bit about the car breaking down, then another bit about selling some hookie gear.
as for the ending, do I detect a hint of an alternative ending to the 1996 trilogy?:
Del: ‘Shut up uncle and listen up everyone. The other night I had a vivid dream. We was in the lock-up store with Raquel’s dad when we came across an old pocket watch which he got quite excited about…. The rest is all a bit fuzzy except I remember waking up suddenly and shouting…. “This time next year, we’ll be MIL-YONAIRES’!!