From our veteran script writer Jimmy Connerly we are pleased to present…
The Trotter Olympics – part 1
SCENE 1– Trotter’s Flat, Nelson Mandella House. Mid-morning.
Rodney is just coming in and sees Del busy at the computer screen….
Del: There you go, Buy It Now….. OK….. Yes, that’s it, got ‘em. I love this ebay.
Rodney: Good god, you’re not still buying on ebay Del, what have you lumbered us with this time?
Del: I’ve been buying tickets for the old Olympics. There’s millions up for grabs Rodney. And not only that, every ticket sold goes into a draw – just look at the prizes.
Rodney looks at Del’s inbox on screen.
Rodney: Never mind prizes, I want to see what you’ve been spending all our money on. What’s these ones here you’ve bought? Football? I can’t see there being a lot of interest in that Del.
Del: No Interest! It’s the national game Rodney. And if England and Scotland are going well we’ll be laughing.
Rodney: No, England and Scotland aren’t in it.
Del: Not in it? What do you mean? Those bunch of wallies didn’t qualify?
Rodney: Del, in the Olympics we are Great Britain. So England and Scotland can’t be in it.
Del: Well, maybe not, but then there’s Spain, Brazil….loads of good ‘uns…
Rodney scans through the emails on the computer.
Rodney: What are these ones here you’ve bought? Gabon v New Zealand! Oh, yeah, whenever I think of football I think of Gabon! What ground is the game being played? In the street with jumpers for goal-posts knowing you.
Del: Well that’s where you’re wrong because it’s top notch. The Millennium Stadium!
Rodney: So it’s an African country most people haven’t even heard of against another country the other side of the world in a football stadium in Wales! Who on earth is going to pay good money to see that from round here?
Del: Wales is just a few hours away on the have it away day special. Don’t you worry Rodney, we’ll double our money on these down the market.
Rodney: What do you mean, down the market? Del, you can’t sell these on, not down the market!
Del: You wanna bet bruv? Je ne comprends pas these. Especially these wrestling ones I got.
Rodney: Del, these tickets will be traced to you. If you try and sell all this lot you’ve bought you could even have Sebastian Coe on your back.
Del: Oh, shut up you tart. What’s he gonna do? Confiscate me suitcase?
Rodney: He’s in a powerful position Del, if he gets hold of you you’d be in big trouble.
Del: Nah, if he shows up I’ll just do a runner.
Rodney: A runner from Seb Coe? That I’d like to see! Anyway, what do you mean just now, wrestling ones?
Del: I told you, I’ve been buying all sorts. Bargains. Here’s the wrestling ones look.
Del shows Rodney the online ticket.
Rodney: What’s this? Greco Wrestling?
Del: Yes, I’ll make a killing on those, they’ll be snapped up in no time.
Rodney: Del, I don’t think so mate, I don’t think they’ll be all that popular!
Del: Give over you plonker, it’s wrestling innit. It’s on the telly all the time.
Rodney: Greco wrestling?
Del: Yes, you’ve seen it. All those big Americans. The WTF and all that.
Rodney: WTF is about right Del but I think what you mean is the WWF. But that’s not this!
Del: Well its Gecko wrestling, probably named after that bloke in Wall Street.
Rodney: Greco wrestling Del, is mainly hairy Russians and great big Balkans in leotards.
Del: Oh no, what that? Gaw blimey, You can usually see their big Balkans in the leotards an’ all. Hmmm, well that could be a tricky one bruv. Still never mind, what else have I got? Here, these are good look. Cycling at the Olympic villa drone.
Rodney: Now that’s a bit more like it. Let’s have a look.
Del: Might see that Scottish bloke, Chris How.
Rodney: Hoy!
Del: Oi what?
Rodney: It’s Chris Hoy. Oh bloody hell Del, look at these cycling tickets, these aren’t for the velodrome, they’re tickets for the mountain bike races.
Del: Oh no, are they?
Rodney: Yes! Is there anything you’ve got that’s any good?
Del: Yeah, bought these athletics ones earlier. Only the men’s 100 metre final!
Rodney: Really? That’s not bad as it happens!
Del: Yeah, especially if that Dave Changers gets in. Him with the drugs.
Rodney: Dwain Chambers you mean?
Del: That’s him, Dwain and the Chambers of secrets! I don’t understand that anyway. Taking drugs for running. I mean, having a Moroccan Woodbine, if anything I’d have thought that would slow you down.
Rodney: No, it’s not that sort of drugs Del, its performance enhancing drugs.
Del: What, Viagra?
Rodney: No, not Viagra.
Del: Here, it’s a good job that Linford Christie didn’t use Viagra, he’d have been over the finish line as soon as he stood up out the blocks.
Rodney: What’s this here? I don’t believe this Del, do you bother even reading what you’re bidding for? These are tickets for the Paralympics athletics.
Del: Paralympics? What, they jump out of aeroplanes an’ all?
Rodney: No Del, it’s the disabled Olympics. People in wheelchairs or missing limbs and all that or even blind.
Del: Oh, leave it out Rodney. How is some bloke with one leg going to do the 100 metres? I suppose he hops it does he? And how is someone blind gonna do a marathon they’d be bumping into things or getting lost.
Rodney: They run with someone who can see don’t they. And there are specially made false legs . Really expensive they are. The Paralympics is big business these days and very competitive.
Del: Good, so the tickets will go down well with the punters then won’t they! These are all as good as sold already.
Rodney: Yeah, all you have to do Del is find a blind, one legged Balkan dressed in a leotard who likes New Zealand football and holidays in the Himalayas and you’ll be laughing.
Del: Exactly! Lovely jubbly! Let’s have a look at what else they’ve got…..Loads here still look… Fencing, Dressage, Water polo, archery. The list goes on and on Rodney.
Rodney: T’riffic! Oh and by the way, before you ask Del, in the water polo they don’t actually ride horses in the water!
Del: Do leave it out Rodney, what do you think I am, some sort of wally? Now, where was I?…. Yes…. Synchronised swimming! Everyone likes the swimming don’t they and this is organised look. Right, Buy it Now…
Part 2 of Trotter Olympics continues here