Prequal – Up there for thinking
EXT Morning – Martin Luther King Comprehensive
A youthful (15) Del-boy, dressed in grey school uniform (complete with cap) is strolling into the school gates. He whistles carelessly as he goes.
Boycie: Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. (Looks at watch) Ten past nine! Looks like Bendover-Benson for you Del-boy.
Del: Give us a break Boycie, you wouldn’t want to get a mate in trouble would ya?
Boycie: Not a mate, no Del-boy. Haahahahaha
Del: You’ve been bloody unbearable since they made you a prefect. Come on, I sorted you out with your French homework the other day didn’t I?
Boycie: Yes Del, we did the detention together, remember!
Del: Oh yes, sorry Boyce. You know, it’s amazing how he twigged that I did yours.
Boycie: It was most probably the fact that we were the only two in the whole class that translated the English phrase, “Which is the way to the beach?” into the French phrase, “Twenty untipped cigarettes, please.”
Del: Yeah, I got a bit confused with me verbs.
Boycie: Well I can think of a few verbs regarding the episode. And one or two adjectives as well!
Del: Eh?
Boycie: No, never mind. Go on then, in you go. But you owe me one. Right?
Del: Bloody hell you’re worse than The Driscoll brothers.
Boycie: Ah, speaking of who, I heard they were on the look-out for you.
Del: Oh, not again, what the hell do they want from me this time?
Boycie: Well I don’t know. I only heard they were looking. You ain’t flogged them any of those colour television kits you were selling have you?
Del: No! Anyway, what if I did? There was nothing wrong with them.
Boycie: Del, they were just a bit of clear plastic – half blue and half green.
Del: Yeah, that’s how they work, you put it over your TV. It’s the sky and the grass – see?
Boycie: Hardly colour! And not much good when you’re watching something that’s set indoors!
Del: Nobody’s complained.
Boycie: Has anyone bought one?
Del: I’ve sold a few. And Trigger bought two!
Boycie: I’m surprised he’d even bother to buy one, let alone two.
Del: Why not?
Boycie: Because his mum and Dad don’t even own a television set. That’s why not.
As Boycie shakes his head in disbelief, Denzil approaches.
Denzil: Hey, you, this colour television kit you sold me is a load of rubbish. It’s just a bit of coloured plastic.
Boycie: Hahahahahaha!
Del: (Ignores Boycie) Sorry, do I know you? You must have made a mistake.
Denzil: Yes, you do. I’m the fool that brought this rubbish off you last week for half a crown. And don’t pretend you don’t know me, how many other black scousers have you met?
Del: Ah, yes, of course, now I remember you. Hazel.
Denzil: It’s Denzil. And I want my money back.
Del: No, no, no, no, no Denzil, very sorry, no can do. But! You’re in luck, I’m doing a very good line in T-Shirts. All the way from America! As it’s you and you weren’t 100% happy with the wonderful TV colour kit, let’s call it just the two bob. Can’t say fairer than that.
Denzil: Two bob? How good are they.
Del: Top quality Denz, American!
Denzil: American? Alright then, go on I’ll take one. Cheers Del.
Del: Excellent Denzil, I’ll drop it in for you tomorrow. Have your money ready first break.
Denzil nods and leaves happily.
Boycie: What American T-Shirts are they then? Not the ones with ‘Go President Nixon’ on the front.
Del: Yes, they’re the ones.
Boycie: But say he don’t win the election.
Del: Course he will. They’re not going to put some Irish bloke in charge of the country are they! Honestly, ‘Kennedy’! He’s not gonna win is he. Load of rubbish, give it six months and nobody will have ever heard of him. No, Nixon’s the boy.
Boycie: But who wants a shirt with the American president on? This is Peckham!
Del: But it’s foreign and mysterious Boycie. And ‘American’ just sounds like top quality
Boycie: S’pose so. Where’d you get ’em from anyway?
Del: Down the market. No, I’m gonna make a killing on these you mark my words.
Boycie: Well, if you say so Del-boy.
Del: I’d best get going, see you in class Boycie. Cheers for not marking me down late.
Boycie: Anything for a mate Del-boy. Just you remember that favour.
Del: Yeah, like you’d let me forget!
EXT – School corridor a few moments later
Del approaches the side entrance to the school. A bell
rings and schoolchildren rush to and fro to get to class. Del quickens his step but is stopped in his
tracks by two boys. One is tall and angular, he has outgrown his uniform, which looks as if it’s
shrunk. The other is a lot shorter, his uniform is far too big. The former boy is fully composed. The
latter appears ill-mannered and surly.
Danny: Del-boy!
Del: Oh, watcha Danny.
Danny: He doesn’t look all that pleased to see us, does he Tony?
Tony: No, he don’t. He’s rushing off to the teachers!
Del: I’ve got reception Tony.
Danny: Hardly seems right does it Tony? After all, we’ve been so looking forward to seeing him ain’t we?
Del: I’ve been busy Danny.
Danny: Ah, how nice. Del’s becoming quite a scholar Tony?
Tony: Where’s you briefcase then swatty?
Tony pushes Del slightly. Del stands his ground but reservedly.
Del: No, no. Not school. I’ve been working hard for a few bob. Me mum’s still not well. You know that Danny.
Tony: Making a good few bob then Trotter!
Danny: Tony, no! He’s doing the right thing by his family.
Tony: He’s making a fortune. He’s got it all covered.
Danny: Ah yes, now that’s interesting, that’s what I’ve heard. Homework service, market trading, paper rounds!
Del: We need the money! There’s mum and the baby, and you know what me dad’s like.
Danny: You’re a credit to ’em Del. All honest graft. We don’t want a penny of your money. Well earned!
Del: Great. So I’ll just be getting off to…
Del makes to go but Danny signals to Tony who catches Del by the lapel and swings him back. He
tears off his school cap, throws it on the floor, tramples it underfoot and kicks it away.
Danny: (Coolly) I like doing plurals in English Del.
Del: (Confused) Plurals?
Danny: ‘Paper rounds’.
Del: Paper rounds?
Danny: (Nods) Paper rounds. As in more than one.
Del: Did you want one of me paper rounds Danny? Or I could put in a word at the…
Tony: He thinks we’re stupid!
Danny: No, he don’t think that, do you Del?
Del: No, no Danny. I don’t think that.
Danny: Del knows we wouldn’t go out delivering Heralds in the pissing rain at six in the morning, don’t you Del?
Del: No, course you wouldn’t.
Danny: That’s right, we leave it to the likes you to go out and do it. No, we don’t want a paper round, we want what comes with it Del-boy.
Del has an inkling of an idea of what they’re after but doesn’t volunteer it.
Del: If it’s a question of dirty mags, I can probably….
Tony: He does think we’re stupid!
Danny: (looking hard at Del) I’m beginning to think he’s right Del.
Del: Leave off! What?
Danny: Two paper rounds!
Del: So I got two, yeah, so what?
Tony: Twice as many holidays.
Danny: That’s right Tony; twice as many holidays. Twice as many newspaper cancellations, twice as many empty houses, isn’t that right Del-boy.
Del: So what?
Danny: A simple Information service Del.
Del: Oh, I see it now. You get to know who’s on holiday and how long they’re away for.
Danny: Right! Now you know we’re not stupid.
Del: I never said you were.
Danny: I’ll get straight to the point Trotter, three addresses.
Del: You want three addresses?
Danny: That’s right bright boy, three addresses. So it’s always fresh in your memory, we’ll give them a codename. Let’s call them Mum, Rodney and Grandad.
Del: (Resigned to being compliant) When?
Danny: Not in a rush Del, one a week. We’ll be calling.
Tony: We’ll be calling!
Danny: Yes. Though I’ll rephrase that. Tony will be calling.
Tony: Yes. I’ll be calling. I’ll be calling “Mum!”, “Rodney!”, “Grandad!” Herherherher.
Del watches Tony, carefully.
Danny: That’s right Del, he will.
Del: Yeah I know.
Danny: Thank you Del. See you soon. (Looks at watch) Oh dear you’ve missed registration. Hurry along, don’t miss assembly now will you. I imagine you might need some catch-up with your prayers.
Danny and Tony walk off. Del stands where he is, looking after them as they go. He shakes his head,
picks his cap from the floor, dusts it down with his sleeve and walks into school.
INT Evening – Nelson Mandella House
Del is sitting at the dinner table, obviously pre-occupied and toying with his food. Grandad is
watching the B&W television.
Del: What’s this supposed to actually be anyway?
Grandad: Juke Box Jury. I like David Jason.
Del: It’s Jacobs you soppy sod. Who’s David Jason? And I wasn’t talking about the tele, (looks at his dinner) I was referring to this mess here. I hope mum gets better soon!
Grandad: You’re not too old for a clip round the ear you know.
Del: (Looking over) Sorry Grandad, it’s not you. But what with Mum and everything.
Grandad now looks at Del.
Del: That ten-bob was supposed to be for groceries. He’ll not be back till they close now.
Grandad: You’re a good boy Del, your mum’s ever so proud of all you’re doing.
Del: She’ll be alright, won’t she Grandad?
Grandad: Course she will.
Del: (Shakes of sentiment, looks down at dinner for distraction) Anyway, what is this?
Grandad: Fish fingers.
Del: (Holding one up on fork) Fish fingers? You could’ve taken it’s gloves off first Grandad!
Doorbell rings.
Grandad: Who’s that?
Del: I don’t know do I. I bought a pair of them 3D specs a few years ago but I still ain’t got x-ray vision! Go an answer it.
Grandad: Ow! I’m not going to see if it’s a hit or a miss now.
Del: Go on, off you go, I’m busy unsoldering this fish finger look.
Both smile. Grandad leaves to answer the door. Del works furiously with knife and fork.
Grandad returns, ushering in the newcomer.
Grandad: It’s Trigger.
Grandad gets back to the TV. Del looks up.
Trigger: Alright Del-boy?
Del: Oh, hello Trig, fancy something to eat?
Trigger: No, you’re alright Del, I’ve just had tea at me Aunt Rene’s. She sent me over here.
Del: Why? Rodney’s ok isn’t he?
Trigger: Yeah, Dave’s fine. She just wanted you to know he’s being looked after and ask how your mum was. And see if you needed anything.
Del: Mum’s all right, just a bit tired, she’s asleep at the moment. Thanks Trig, and thank Rene for us. We’re alright though, we don’t need nothing.
Grandad: Unless you can help with the Driscoll brothers.
Del: Grandad!
Trigger: Yeah, I heard about that, you’re in a bit of bother there Del-boy.
Del: Yes, thank you Trig, I realise that. Is there anything else you wanted or did you just come round to cheer me up?
Trigger: Oh, yes Del-boy, there was something else
Del: Yeah?
Trigger: Yes, I’ve been a bit short lately and I wondered if you wanted a hand with your homework service.
Del: Bloody hell Trig you’ve only just learned how to read!
Trigger: Well it’ll be fresh in my head won’t it.
Del: Hmmm, maybe. What’s your German like?
Trigger: Depends. Frankfurters? Steins of beer?
Del: No, not what they like, I meant what is your German li…Oh forget it. Here y’are, you can do this. (Tosses over a book) Geography?
Trigger: Who’s is it?
Del: Slater’s.
Trigger: Great. How much?
Del: I’ll give you sixpence but do it properly. If you’re not sure use your encyclopaedias.
Trigger looks blank
Del: The books in your gran’s cabinet Trig. Reference books.
Trig: Ah gotcha. Yeah, they’re good they are. Nice pictures.
Del: Bloody hell, I hope I don’t regret this. I’ll give you your money when I get my next lot of paper round money. If the Driscoll’s don’t get me in trouble beforehand!
Trig: Cheers. You gonna give the Driscoll’s a house number then?
Del: It’s not one number Trig, it’s three.
Trig: Will you do it?
Del: Might have to.
Grandad: You be careful Del-boy. You don’t want to end up the main suspect.
Del: Me the main suspect? How do you work that one out?
Grandad: Look at the facts. Three houses get burgled. All three away on holiday and cancelled their papers. All three on your round.
Del: Bloody hell, I hadn’t thought of that. I’d be done for.
Trigger: Yeah, the newsagent will realise even if the law don’t.
Del: Yes, and he’s got it in for me at the moment as well.
Grandad: Yes, ever since you “plonker”ed up that new round of yours.
Del: Once and for all Grandad, it was not my fault the papers got messed up! Hang about, that’s it!
Grandad: What is?
Del: Grandad, I think you’ve cracked it!
Grandad: What? Cracked what?
Del: Cracked the case. A bit of set-up and I reckon it’ll work.
Trigger: What will?
Del: All in time you two, all in time. Now, let’s think how I’ll go about this!
EXT Morning – Martin Luher King Comprehensive 3 days later
Del is rushing, bounding along to school. Excited and breathless he sees Boycie at the school gates.
Del: I’ve done it Boycie, I’ve only done it!
Boycie: What’s that, broken the school record and turned up at hometime?
Del: No! Just now, they’ve both been nicked.
Boycie: Who’s been nicked?
Del: Who do you think? The Driscoll’s
Boycie: What, the police have taken them? Here, you never told the cops which house they were robbing did you?
Del: No, of course not! What do you take me for? A grass?
Boycie: No. Don’t get the hump Del I only asked. So what happened?
Del: They robbed the wrong house.
Boycie: The wrong house, how come?
Del: Yeah, 13 Ousden Drive I told them, they did 13 Ousden Close. It only turned out to be a copper’s place. Caught them shovelling all the silverware into the swag-bag as he came downstairs for his cornflakes.
Boycie: Blimey, lucky for you Del-boy. Fancy the Driscolls getting the wrong address!
Del: Oh, it weren’t luck pal. Luck had nothing to do with it.
Boycie: No? How d’you make that out?
Del: It’s Ousden Drive isn’t it!
Boycie: What about it?
Del: It forks off into two doesn’t it, if you walk straight on you’d think you were still in Ousden Drive but you’re actually in Ousden Close. There is a sign, but it’s unclear.
Boycie: Well that makes two of us. I’m a bit unclear here myself!
Del: Listen, doppy. Ousden Drive appears to go straight on with Ousden Close off to the right. But actually it’s the other way around.
Boycie: So you gave them Ousden Drive knowing they’d go the wrong way.
Del: Exactly.
Boycie: Bit chancy wasn’t it? You couldn’t guarantee they’d go the wrong way.
Del: Actually I could. That’s what gave me the idea. My first day doing the papers down there I got them arse about face myself. I delivered all the wrong papers, the newsagent had a right go.
Boycie: Still not foolproof.
Del: No? I do the papers first thing in the morning. I’ve asked the milkman and the postman. And guess what? They both made exactly the same mistake when they first started.
Boycie: (Smiles) Enjoy it while it lasts Del, it’s only a temporary escape. I wouldn’t like to be in your shoes when the Driscolls get out.
Del: Yeah? Who do you think will be writing to them while they’re inside, explaining about how they got the wrong house?
Boycie: You’ve got it all worked out haven’t you. All very good for Del-boy! What about their poor mum? You wouldn’t have even thought of that!
Del: What do you take me for Boycie? I’ll see her all right for stuff while they’re away. She could do with a break from them anyway, they terrorise her. They terrorise all of us!
Boycie: Yeah, well you’re not wrong there Del-boy.
Del: Haha, everyone’s a winner. It’s great how I always end up smelling of roses!
Boycie: Well you’ll be smelling of roses in detention tonight Del-boy.
Del: Leave it out Boycie, I know you would dob me in it!
Boycie: It’s gone twenty past Del, you’ve missed registration even. And it’s your second late this week. Nothing I can do about it.
Del: Oh heck!
Boycie: Never mind, you won’t be on your own, there’ll be some company.
Del: Oh yeah, who?
Boycie: Slater.
Del: Oh no, not Slater.
Boycie: Yeah, something about his Geography homework apparently.
Del: Oh, terrific! What could be worse?
Boycie: Well, (looking down road) I reckon this could.
Both look down road, an irate Denzil is marching determinedly, T-Shirt in hand.
Boycie: With all your excitement this morning you’ll have missed the American election result wouldn’t you Del. It was on the wireless this morning.
Del: Eh?
Boycie: Kennedy won by a landslide.
Del: What! He never did?
Boycie: Oh yes, so I think it’s a safe bet that our Liverpudlian friend here won’t be looking for you to offer his congratulations.
Del: Blimey, this is going to require some of my best spiel.
Boycie: Hahahahahahahahaha
Del: Get stuffed Boycie. I can handle this, just you watch and learn. (Smiles and salutes Denzil enthusiastically as he approaches) Denzil my old mate! Just the very man I wanted to see…….
THE END
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