Animal Farm

ONLY FOOLS AND HORSES

-ANIMAL FARM-

By Zane Clements

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EXT.DAY. COUNTRYSIDE

The 3 wheeler van is seen smoking away as it struggles along the hills and valleys of the country road.

Rodney. I knew we would struggle to find it without a map.

Del. Shut up you tart, we’ve got plenty of time it doesn’t start till one.

Rodney. I hate to worry you Del, but it must be almost one now. Those old Beatles LPs will go almost straight away as young Towser said it was one of the first lots.

Del. Look it can’t be far from here, and (Del points to his watch) like I said we have at least another hour to find the hall.

Rodney. Sorry Derrick, but we left Peckham at twelve o’clock and that was almost an hour ago, so it must be getting on for one, now.

Del. Well Einstein, why does my watch say twelve fifteen.

Rodney. Because, though your watch can tell the time in twenty four lands and islands of the planet there is no way of knowing which one it has currently slipped into!

Del. Take your point. Well that ain’t gonna help us now though is it dippy. So what do you make the time?

Rodney. Del it isn’t any use, asking me you made me wear one of those silly watches too. With a sales pitch of “These watches are not only better looking than a Swiss watch, but also run faster than a Swiss watch”, so the punters were climbing over each other after that great one-liner. Derrick it could be ten to ten or two minutes to two for all I know, and that could be in LA or BR.

Del. What’s BR?

Rodney. British Rail, Bognor Regis, who knows, (Pointing to a farmer on the roadside) why don’t you ask him.

Del. He won’t know what BR stands for!

Rodney. I know that but he might know where the village auction is and the proper time.

Del drives into a lay-by, winding down the window and shouts over to a farmer on a nearby hill herding cows in the field.

Del. Tally ho pal! Can you tell us where Blandford village hall is. We’re a bit lost.

Farmer. Yep, you’re heading there, can’t  be more than a mile down this road. (Farmer continues to herd the cattle through a roadside gate)

Del. Thank you, can you also tell us what the time is as our clocks are in a muddle.

Farmer. (Bends his knees and looks under the cow that has now stood still in front off him. He is then seen gently parting the udders on the cow) It be ’bout five past one.

Del. (In awe of the farmer, thanks him and drives onward) Did you see that!

Rodney. See what?

Del. When I asked the farmer for the time, he bent down, delicately touched, you know them udder thingy’s on the cow and then gave me the time.

Rodney. Del what are you trying to say, a farmer can tell the time, just by touching the udder on a cow?

Del. No it wasn’t just touching but it was far more delicate as if he had a special understanding with natures clock. Anyway, look he was right, here’s the hall.

Del parks the van in the car park and enters the hall.

The lot he was after had gone as they were too late and missed the opening few lots. But what they do notice is the time on the village hall clock, ten past one.

Del. Don’t you see we have landed on our feet Bruv.

Rodney. What?

Del. It must be a sign from mum, she has made us miss the Beatles lot so we found the miracle farmer.

Rodney. Miracle farmer! Del you don’t really think he can tell the time by rubbing the udder of a cow.

Del. Its a miracle, we could have coach loads to visit him, Sid could arrange the sandwiches and you could drive the coaches.

Rodney. This is beginning to sound like an “Ethnic Tour” set up with a hint of the “Miracle of Peckham” thrown in for good measure.

Del. Look you wally, this really is an opportunity that us and Farmer Giles can’t miss out on.

Rodney. I can’t see how you are needed Del, I mean if he genuinely has a cow who can moo more accurately than a Rolex, why does he need a wally like you to be a middle man?

Del. Management.

Rodney. Management.

Del. Yep, management my dear Rodders. Everyone has a manager. Take Gareth Gates and Will Young, its managers that got them where they are today.

Rodney. The difference is, they were managing talent, not daisy the old cow who can tell us the left udder is two minutes away from the right udder which is pointing straight up meaning its something o’clock.

At least speak to the farmer about it before you jump into something you might regret.

Del. Ok, ok, lets head back down the road and see if we can catch the farmer again.

Rodney. Yes and this time we test him again, to really see how accurate the cow really is.

Just as there leaving  the village auction they see Trigger also there.

Trig. Watcha Dave, Del.

Del. Hi trig, what you doing here?

Trig. Oh I had some old scratched Beatles albums in the auction and wanted to see what I’d get for ’em.

Rodney. How much did you get?

Trig. Well, I got a bit caught out, cos I bid one guy up and didn’t pull out in time, so I’m stuck with em and got to pay 10% to the auctioneer.

Trig. Didn’t  you mention you were wanting some…(Del interrupts)

Del. Have you got the time Trig?

Trig. Yep, its nearly one thirty.

Del. Sorry Trig we gotta get going.

Rodney. But we’ve only just got here.

Del. Come on Rodney, we gotta farmer to see about a cow. That reminds me, did you hear about  a farmer who got bit on the ear by a cow once.

Rodney. No, what happened?

Del. Well the farmer lost his ear, he was rushed to hospital and they mistakenly sowed a pigs ear on to replace his own. A month later they asked how his hearing was and he said it was fine in his own ear but he gets crackling in the new one!

Trig. So did they give him some cream for it?

Del. Take a day off Trig, and take a quick butchers at the time on the village hall clock as I want to get going.

Rodney. Like Trigger said “One thirty”.

Del and Rodney jump into the van and head back down the road, towards the area of the farmer.

Del. Right according to my calculations it took us 5 minutes to get to the hall from the farmers field, so if the village clock and Trig are both spot on then it should be about one thirty five.

Rodney. Ok I’m with you, but somehow I just think your trying to milk it, theirs gotta be a good explanation.

Del. Milk it, very good bruv. Here he is.

Del and Rodney pull up in the same lay-by as before and immediately spot the farmer.

Del. Watcha pal, how’s your luck?

Farmer. Why you be the folks looking for village hall, did you find it.

Del. Yes thank you, look I just wondered if you could tell us the time again.

Farmer. Well it must about half an hour since I last saw you.

Rodney. Yes but we just wondered if you could tell us the time again, you know like you did before.

They have both noticed the farmer is without any wristwatch and are now, in suspense as to whether they are about  to witness a miracle.

The farmer in a similar way to before, bends his knees and starts crouching in a similar position but without any cow in front of him.

Del. What about the cow, aren’t  you gonna get her first.?

Farmer. I don’t need me misses to tell the time, ha, it be one thirty six.

Del. I think you misunderstood us, but we thought you could tell the time from the cows udders.

Farmer. Ha ha (Roaring with laughter) You thought when I stooped down looking at the cows udder I was telling the time!

Del. Yes, I mean if not how do you do it?

Farmer. (Still laughing)  Come here lad and I’ll show thee.

The farmer stoops down as before, with Del at his side.

Farmer. If you stoop down like this and lift up the udder as it was in the way last time, you can just see the church clock across the valley.

Farmer starts walking away still laughing to think someone could of thought of such a thing.

Rodney. Well you made a right dipstick of yourself there Del.

Del. I don’t  believe it, I really feel embarrassed.

THE END

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