ONLY FOOLS AND HORSES
-COPS AND TROTTERS-
Download Script (127K)Based on characters created by John Sullivan.
EXT.NIGHT. NELSON MANDELA HOUSE CARPARK.
It is dark and a light fog hangs in the air, there is a skip in the road with various cars parked around it, litter blows in the breeze, the only sounds are those of distant dogs barking and a cat meows as a trash can lid falls.
The camera pans up along the many windows of the flats, it is obviously the small hours cuz no lights are on.
The camera stops and focuses on one balcony, inside the darkened room we can see torchlight and the silhouette of a man, he steps out on the balcony, we can now see he wears all black and has a balaclava on, he climbs over the side of the balcony and makes his way all the way down the flats by using various balcony’s and window ledges, as he does we can see he has a bag over his shoulder, he lands on the grass and runs off into the darkness of the night.
INT.DAY. THE TROTTERS FLAT.
Grandad is laying the cutlery for breakfast.
Dotted around the flat are various boxes with ‘suck-o-matic vacuum cleaner’ stickers on them, however, stamped over that is ‘parts missing-reject’
Del enters the room, still in his dressing gown.
DEL. Morning granddad, what’s this, special occasion?
GRANDAD. No, nothing like that that Delboy, aren’t I allowed to make a special breakfast for my nearest and dearest?
DEL. Yeah, course you are………….right, what have you broken, or how much do you want to borrow?
GRANDAD. That’s typical of you that is, always thinking the worst of someone.
DEL. Alright Granddad don’t get over excited, I’m sorry……….but you have broken something ain’t ya?
GRANDAD. Yeah, well not so much broken something….
DEL. What is it?
GRANDAD.Well when I got up this morning I thought I’d try one of them Hoovers out.
DEL. And?
GRANDAD. And I went over ya silk shirt.
DEL. Oh you old div, what happened, did you Hoover it up?
GRANDAD. Well no, it just sucked up the sleeve, but I reacted quickly and got it out.
DEL. Well that’s all right then, no harm done, oi, where’s boy wonder?
GRANDAD. He’s not up yet.
DEL. The lazy sod, I told him to be out of hear by half seven so he can catch the early crowds down the market.
Del goes to the hallway, we hear him bang on a door.
DEL. Come on you lazy sod, get up, what you doing in there, having one of them love-ins like that John Lennon and Yoko Coco?
We hear Rod shout something back inaudible.
DEL. Oi, wash ya mouth out ya rude little git, I don’t know Grandad, I give him a home, a job and a wage and what bloody thanks do I get?
Grandad continues to eat, he is not listening.
DEL.I said what bloody thanks……….oh never mind.
Del sits down and looks at his breakfast.
DEL. Grandad, have I ever told you how much I love the way you get the bacon extra burnt and crispy?
GRANDAD. No.
DEL. Well what do ya keep bloody doing it for then?
Rodney enters.
ROD. What’s all the banging in aid of?
DEL. A young man of your age should not still be in bed gone eight o’clock, you should be down the market flogging these.
He points to a vacuum cleaner.
ROD. That’s rich in’it coming from you, you dropped me off down the market at 9 o’clock yesterday morning with ten Vacuum cleaners.
DEL. So?
ROD. So, this is the first time I’ve seen ya since, I thought you we’re coming back to pick me up.
DEL. Well I got involved with a bit of business down in Ipswich.
ROD/GRANDAD. Ipswich?
DEL. Yeah, Ipswich, little town down in Suffolk.
ROD.I know where it is, but what we’re you doing there?
DEL. Have you ever heard of a bloke called Beni Bendini, his mates call him Ben, used to run that posh Italian restaurant in the high street, you know, the one you’ve never been to?
ROD. It don’t ring a bell.
DEL. Well for the last couple of years he’s been running a similar sort of gaff in Ipswich.
GRANDAD. You mean you went all the way to Ipswich for a bit of posh dinner?
DEL. What, no, shut up and listen, he’s sold up, he’s only gone and bought himself a restaurant in Naples, well they go in for all that Italian food, them lot, don’t they?
RODNEY. What do he want you to do, wash the dishes?
DEL. Your a sarky couple of…….listen, he rung me cuz he had some items for sale and he knows what I’m like.
RODNEY. What? That you buy any old crap?
DEL. Yeah, that I……No, that I know a deal when I see one.
RODNEY. And?
DEL. And what?
GRANDAD. What did you buy off him?
DEL. Nothing, it was all a load of old crap.
Rod and Grandad react.
DEL. Ere, how many of them cleaners did you knock out yesterday.
ROD. Minus two.
DEL. Minus two, how do ya work that out?
ROD. Well you remember them two we sold the day before?
DEL. Yeah?
ROD. They bought ’em back.
DEL. Stone me, what did they say was wrong with em?
ROD. You know what’s wrong with ’em, the wrong part was fitted and instead of a steady sucking motion, they had the kind of vacuum usually associated with an open window on a 747.
DEL. There’s no pleasing some people is there, come on lets look lively, I wanna get down the market, Im meeting Mickey the Pill at ten.
GRANDAD. Who the bloody hell is Mickey the Pill?
RODNEY. Sounds like a paracetamol firms mascot.
DEL. No, he’s a bloody nice bloke, just happens that he’s one of them hyperco…..hyp….well he always thinks he’s ill even though he ain’t.
RODNEY. He’s a bit like you the then, you think that aftershave you wear smells nice, but it don’t.
Del points at Rod as he picks up a silk shirt off the side, he then goes into the bedroom.
GRANDAD. What was that he just picked up?
ROD. His silk shirt, why?
GRANDAD. Nothing, right, im off down the shops, I’ll be back in a week or two.
He leaves, Rod is looking out of the window, he doesn’t hear grandad.
We hear Del from the other room.
DEL. (shouting) GRANDAD!
He runs through, we see the sleeve of his shirt he is now wearing torn to shreds from the Hoover.
DEL. Im gonna bloody kill that old git when I get hold of him.
RODNEY. Del, come and look at this.
DEL. What is it?
RODNEY. It’s teaming with the old bill down there.
Del looks shocked, he looks.
DEL. Bloody Hell, you didn’t sell one of them cleaners to a copper did ya?
RODNEY. No, and even if I did I doubt it would warrant 6 cars coming round here.
DEL. Get dressed.
ROD. Why?
DEL. Cuz we’ve gotta be out of here.
ROD. Why?
DEL. In case them gits wanna come in here.
ROD. Why would they wanna come in here?
DEL. Well there has obviously been a crime on the estate, and that lot are doing house to house enquiries.
ROD. So?
DEL. Soooooo, if they come in here and see this lot we’ll end up doing longer than the bloke their looking for.
ROD. Good point, lets go.
Rod runs into his room to get dressed.
EXT.DAY. THE MARKET.
Its very busy, we see the yellow van pull up and park, Del and Rod get out.
They walk over to man selling nothing more than Bric-a-brac. he is about 55 and has 2 day old stubble, he is skinny and looks unkempt.
DEL. Watchya Mickey, how it going son?
MICKEY. Oh you know Del, bearing up, considering.
DEL. What’s wrong with ya now?
MICKEY. It’s me legs innit, sometimes can’t feel em.
DEL. What like after ten pints?
MICKEY. Yeah.
DEL. Anyway, I’ve heard a little rumour you’ve managed to get your hands on some, er, electrical equipment, shall we say?
MICKEY. That’s right.
DEL. Where did it come from?
MICKEY. My brother works for one of them discount electrical centres, where they sell all faulty goods off dirt cheap.
RODNEY. What’s the good of em if there faulty?
MICKEY. When I say faulty, I mean minor things like, TV’s without volume buttons, fridges with no handles, all things that can be sorted out no problem.
DEL. And he buys em off them and sells em on does he?
MICKEY. No, he nicks ’em.
RODNEY. Have nothing to do with em Del.
DEL. Mickey’s only joking int’ya Mick?
Del winks and nods etc.
MICKEY. Yeah course I am.
DEL. See, what ya got then?
MICKEY Anything you want really.
DEL. Lovely, right well I tell ya what, I’ll compile a little list, then I’ll pop it back to ya, and we’ll discuss a price.
MICKEY. Alright then Del.
DEL. Right, see ya later Mick, stay healthy.
They leave.
ROD. He looks a bit dodgy to me Del.
DEL. You say that about all my mates, don’t ya?
ROD. That’s got something to do with the fact that all your mates are dodgy.
DEL. Go on then saint Rodney, name one dodgy mate of mine.
ROD. Monkey Harris.
DEL. He’s alright, he’s just misunderstood.
ROD. Well the judge seemed to understand him alright when he gave him 18 months for breaking and entering the other week.
DEL. Go on then, that’s one, name another.
ROD. Paddy the Greek.
DEL. Paddy the Greek? What’s he ever done?
ROD. What hasn’t he done, look at that time he sold all them benches and trees and what not to the grounds man at that park near the shops.
DEL. They we’re good quality items Rodney.
ROD. Yes, but he nicked them from a park in Strethem.
DEL. Well, it was all done with the best of intentions.
ROD. Best of intentions?, when the police collered him, he had the slide and roundabout on his roof rack.
DEL. Oh shudd’up
EXT.DAY. NELSON MANDELLA HOUSE CAR PARK.
The van pulls into view, there are still two police cars on the estate.
Del and Rod get out and walk quickly towards the flats, a police man sees them
hoping not to be spotted.
COPPER. Excuse me.
They ignore him.
COPPER. You two, excuse me.
Del turns.
DEL. What, us?
COPPER. Yes, could I have a word please.
DEL. Yeah, sorry we we’re in a rush to get in cuz we just noticed that we had left our tax disc upstairs, we always take it off at night in case it gets nicked.
COPPER. Really, I just want to ask you a couple of questions, do you live on the estate?
He gets a note pad out and starts to write.
DEL. Yeah, both of us, we live up in Nelson Mandela house.
RODNEY. Together.
The police man looks up and gives them a funny look.
DEL. Not just us two.
RODNEY. No, we live with another man.
The officer looks up, he looks worried this time.
DEL. Will you shut up Rodney, your making us look like a couple of que……(he realises who is present)……..undesirables, let me explain officer, this is my brother, unfortunately, and we live up there with our grandfather.
COPPER. I see, and have you had any trouble recently.
DEL. Well he always stinks the toilet out.
COPPER. I’m not talking about with your Grandfather sir, I mean have you had any trouble with burglaries.
DEL. Oh, I see, no, we ain’t ever had any trouble have we Rodders, we’re usually in and out, ha ha ha, get it in and out, no trouble with bur…..never mind.
COPPER. Under the circumstances I’d watch what you say.
RODNEY. What circumstances?
COPPER. In the last two nights ten flats have been burgled in Nelson Mandela house, Desmond Tutu House and Zimbabwe House, gaining entry through the balcony windows.
DEL. Ten!!
RODNEY. We better start locking our windows Del.
DEL.I don’t think it applies to us, we’re on the 12th bloody floor.
COPPER.I wouldn’t be so sure sir, last night, all the thefts happened on floors higher than ten.
DEL. must be the jolly green giant.
COPPER. Very funny sir.
DEL. Can we go now, it’s just that we don’t like to leave our grandad to long.
COPPER. Frail is he?
DEL. No but he ruined my good shirt this morning, so give it ten minutes and he will be.
RODNEY. He’s only kidding.
EXT.DAY. THE TROTTERS FLAT.
Grandad is watching the TV’s, he has his feet on the table and a sarnie on a plate on the arm of the chair, he has not bitten into it yet.
Del and Rod enter, they are in mid conversation.
DEL. So I said to her, I said, listen darling, with me your guaranteed a steak meal and at least a twenty to get ya self a new dress with, he can’t offer you that.
ROD. And did she leave with you?
DEL. Nah, she still picked her husband, can’t win em all.
GRANDAD. Alright Delboy?
DEL. Don’t you alright me you old git, that shirt was new, cost a tenner that did.
GRANDAD. If you don’t stop moaning I won’t give you it.
DEL. Give me what, flu?
Grandad gets up and goes into the kitchen, he re-enters with a bag and hands it to Del.
Del takes the item out of the bag and unfolds it, it is a 1940’s style brown shirt, it is horrible.
DEL. That’s lovely that is grandad, and what did you buy me?
GRANDAD. That is what I bought ya, I got it off young Terry’s stall on the market, it stood out to me cuz I used to have one just like it, gord knows where it went though.
Grandad returns to his chair and takes a bite of his sarnie.
Del looks at Rodney and screws his face up, he hates the shirt.
RODNEY. Put your shirt on Del.
DEL. What, er no, I don’t wanna ruin it do I?
RODNEY. Wait a minute, Trigger told me you flogged a load of old gear to Terry last Tuesday?
DEL. Shut up Rodney.
ROD. That’s granddads shirt isn’t it?
DEL. Shut up before I……..
ROD. Grandad, you know that Terry?
GRANDAD. Yeah?
ROD. He didn’t have a grey sports jacket for sale did he?
GRANDAD. He did as it happens, he wanted a fiver for it, it was a bit like that one you had that Del said got nicked out of the back of the van.
Rodney turns to Del.
ROD. You’ve done some pretty low things in your time Del.
DEL. Look shut up you big brass tart, we’ve got more important things to worry about, like burglar proofing our flat.
GRANDAD. Burglar proofing, are we gonna get burgled Delboy?
DEL. How the bloody hell should I know, they don’t write to ya to arrange a convenient time you know.
ROD. There’s been a lot of burglaries on the estate in the last couple of nights grandad, didn’t you see all the police cars on ya way to the shops?
GRANDAD. Yeah, but I thought they we’re coming here to bring that Hoover back you sold em.
Del gives Rodney a look.
DEL. You plonker.
ROD. Shut up, im still angry about my jacket.
DEL. Well we’re even then, right.
ROD. Right.
DEL. Good.
ROD. Good.
DEL. Now grandad, every night at seven o clock its your job to lock all the windows in the flat, then its the last one in’s job to make sure the door is locked good and tight, are we clear?
ROD. Have we still got that mannequin in the garage?
DEL. Yeah, but, no, you can’t take it out tonight.
ROD. No, I mean we could put it up the window to deter intruders.
DEL. If we we’re to put a naked life size doll up our window we’d have every pervo on the estate scaling our bloody drainpipe.
ROD. Yeah, I never thought of that, we could dress her up like a man.
Del shakes his head.
EXT.NIGHT. NELSON MANDELA HOUSE.
It is windy and littler blows over the car park, a light goes out in the flats as the camera pans up.
We get a camera view now as if we are the burglar, we peer round the corner and look up at the flats, we dart across the car park, stopping behind cars every now and again, we reach the flats.
INT.NIGHT. THE TROTTERS FLAT.
No one is up and it is dark, we focus on the locked front door, with the chain across and a broom up against it, we go into the lounge and pan around until we come to the window, the mannequin doll is stood up it and it wears one of Dels hats and the shirt that grandad bought.
Just then a head appears over the balcony we can see through the window, he now jumps over and is on the balcony, he tries the handle and the door opens, he sees the doll.
MAN. Perverts.
He now turns on his flash light and looks around, he spots the two telly’s and goes over to them, he inspects them.
MAN. What a load of old crap.
He now goes over to record player and looks at it.
MAN. Made in Somalia, no thanks.
The man starts to got through the drawers and side board, throwing things behind him and generally making a mess.
Just then the door to Grandads room bursts open and he walks through, he ignores the man, he goes into the kitchen, we hear him run the tap, he comes back through with a glass of water.
GRANDAD. Night Del.
He goes back into his room and shuts the door.
The man runs over to the window and climbs back over the balcony.
INT.DAY. THE TROTTERS FLAT.
It is morning and things are as they we’re last night, the balcony door is wide open.
Del comes through in his night clothes yawning, he looks at the open door and does a double take, he spots the mess.
DEL. Oh no.
He shouts.
DEL. Rodney, grandad, get in here quick, we’ve been burgled.
Rod comes running through with a milk bottle as if he is going to attack someone.
ROD. Where is he?
DEL. Put that down Rambo, he ain’t stayed for a bleedin’ bowl of Kellogg’s has he?
Rodney starts to look around, as he has his back turned from Del, Del takes the shirt Grandad bought him off the mannequin and throws it over the balcony.
Grandad enters.
GRANDAD. What’s happened?
DEL. We’ve been done ain’t we, come on check everything, I bet we’ve been cleaned out.
They all look around, checking for different things.
ROD. Del, they ain’t took nothing.
DEL. They must of took something Rodney, there’s some good gear in this flat.
ROD. Like what?…………..,this must be a first, wait till we tell the police this, yeah we we’re burgled last night officer but they didn’t take anything, not even the stuff we try and flog down the market, and you wonder why it don’t sell.
DEL.I tell ya what Rodney, if I catch him im gonna give him a bloody hiding the cheeky sod, there’s plenty of decent things in this flat.
Del checks the side board.
DEL. Thank gord for that, they didn’t take my jewellery.
ROD. That says it all.
DEL. Oi, this ring here is 29 carat gold, I’ll have you know.
ROD. Yeah, alright.
Del looks at the mannequin.
DEL.(acting, badly) Oh no ,oh I don’t believe it, they’ve only gone and nicked that lovely shirt you bought for me Grandad, and I was looking forward to wearing that this weekend.
ROD. What?….It was there when I just come in.
DEL. Shudd’up you plonker.
Del starts to inspect the handle of the door on the balcony.
DEL. This door hasn’t been forced.
ROD. How did he get in then?
DEL. That dozy old twonk didn’t lock it did ya?
GRANDAD. Well you we’re the last to bed why didn’t you do it?
DEL. I told you at seven, wait a minute, I was in bed first last night, cuz you two we’re watching that soppy film about that magician from Australia, what was it……….that’s it…….the wizard of Oz.
GRANDAD. Well when I came through at half two you we’re still up.
DEL. I bloody wasn’t.
GRANDAD. You we’re Del, You stood there, wearing a balaclava.
DEL.I haven’t even got a balaclava, and even if I did have I wouldn’t wear in the front room would I?
GRANDAD. Well I thought you we’re cold.
ROD. Are you two complete plonkers or what, can’t you see what’s happened?
DEL/GRANDAD. What?
ROD. Well he’s got up ain’t he, and come face to face with the one man crime spree and not even realised it.
DEL. You dozy old plonk Grandad, you could have apprehended him and called for me or Rod…..well, me.
He goes over to the window.
GRANDAD. There’s police everywhere again.
DEL. What, oh no.
RODNEY. It don’t matter, we’ve already talked to them.
DEL. It’s not that, im meant to be picking that gear up off Mickey today, I can’t drive it back here through that lot, we’ll have to get it tomorrow.
ROD. That’s if they ain’t still here.
Del looks worried.
GRANDAD. Delboy, come and look at this.
Del goes over to the window.
DEL. Bloody hell, it gets worse and worse.
Rod goes over.
We now see what they are looking at, a police car pulls up towing a mobile police command centre and park it right next to the Trotters van.
DEL. Now what are we gonna do, how long are they gonna be there?
ROD. Until they catch him I should imagine.
DEL. (dejected) Bai Vienna!
ROD. There is one thing we could do to get rid of them.
DEL. (not interested) What?
ROD. Help them to catch him.
DEL. Do I look like Inspector Gadget to you?
ROD. It’s just a thought.
DEL. Well it’s a bloody st…….(he thinks)……good idea Rodders, come on, down the Nags Head.
ROD. Del it’s half seven in the morning.
DEL. Is it? I wondered why I was hungry.
GRANDAD. I’ll put the pan on.
He goes.
ROD. Big mouth.
INT.DAY. THE NAGS HEAD.
Mike is up the bar talking with Boycie and Trigger.
MIKE. Apparently there’s been over 20 houses done in the last 3 nights.
BOYCIE. Well what can you expect, there council flats, it’s like having three prisons built on top of each other.
MIKE. They ain’t done Dels over yet though.
BOYCIE. How would he notice if they did, the last time I was there it looked like a bomb had gone off.
Mike laughs.
BOYCIE.A bomb did go off in Dels block once ya know.
MIKE. (concerned) Really?
BOYCIE. Yeah, it did forty quids worth of improvements.
He does his laugh, Mike shakes his head.
TRIGGER. Your out of order Boycie, someone could of been killed…………or worse.
They react
BOYCIE. Do you know in the ten years I’ve lived in the Kings Avenue there’s only been two break in’s?
MIKE. When gaffs like that get broken, they’re usually stealing to order.
BOYCIE. Yeah, there was a rumour it was Del doing the ordering.
Del and Rod enter.
DEL. Alright chaps, giz two lagers.
MIKE. TWO lagers, no exotic “plonker” tail?
DEL. I’m not in the mood Michael, we got done last night.
MIKE. No!
DEL. Yeah, they went through everything, turned the whole living room upside down.
BOYCIE. Did he get away with much?
ROD. No, he didn…….
DEL.(Interrupting)Grandad disturbed him and fought him off, he didn’t get anything.
Rod shakes his head.
TRIGGER.I disturbed a burglar once.
MIKE. What at ya house, like?
TRIGGER. No, it was at that brewery in Barrow lane.
BOYCIE. What we’re you doing there?
TRIGGER. The same as him by all accounts.
They look at each other speechless, Rod takes his drink and goes and sit down, Trig follows.
TRIGGER. You got broken into then Dave?
ROD. Yeah, b*stards.
TRIGGER. My house got broken into once, they didn’t take nothing though.
ROD. You’ve never mentioned it before.
TRIGGER. I must of done, it was about a year ago, about the same time as I mislaid my telly and video.
RODNEY. I’m gonna wake up in a minute.
Denzil enters and approaches bar.
DEL. Ah, just the man I’ve been waiting for.
DENZIL. Oh god, im skint Del.
DEL. I don’t want ya money.
DENZIL. And I’ve got nothing in the lorry.
DEL. I’m not interested in the Lorry.
DENZIL. Well I don’t want to be made rich either.
DEL. That’s got nothing to do with it Denzil.
DENZIL. No?
DEL. Nope.
DENZIL. I’ll have a pint Mike and whatever Dels drinking.
DEL. Oh, cheers pal.
DENZIL. What is it then?
DEL. Come over here, you too Boycie, this involves you as well.
They all go sit on the table Trig and Rod were at.
DEL. You all know about the break in’s don’t ya?
ALL. Yeah.
DEL. Well the police have only gone and set up a bloody mobile station thingy right in front of my flat.
DENZIL. So where do we come into it?
DEL. I want you three to help me and Rodney get rid of it.
DENZIL. Well it’s not going in the back of my lorry.
DEL. What? No, I don’t want you to bloody hide it, their innit ain’t they?
TRIGGER. What do you want us to do then?
DEL. I want you to patrol the estate with me and Rodney tonight.
BOYCIE. Well you can count me out, I’m going out for a romantic meal tonight.
DEL. What’s Marlene think of that then?
BOYCIE. I’m going with Marlene thank you Derek, and if this concludes my involvement I shall bid you goodbye.
He leaves.
DENZIL. Why do you want the police off the estate so bad?
DEL. Because I have secured a deal with a friend of mine to purchase some gear and I’ve gotta pick it up soon before he flogs it to someone who hasn’t got the cast of the Bill on his front lawn.
DENZIL. And you don’t wanna be seen by the coppers with it.
DEL. That’s right, and if you help out I’ll give you a cut of what ever I get for em, what do ya say?
DENZIL. Go on then.
TRIGGER. Count me in, I’ve always wanted to be a vigilante.
DEL. That’s a sort of vicar ain’t it?
TRIGGER. No, it’s a name given to someone who takes the law into their own hands.
DEL. Well don’t go out there acting like Dirty Harry or nothing, you just gotta stay in the shadows and observe, and when you spot him….
RODNEY. If you spot him, he might not come back.
DEL. Oh he’ll be back Rodney, they always do, when you spot him, let me and Rod know and we’ll alert the old bill, they’ll cart him off, and by tomorrow morning you won’t be able to find a copper round here for love nor money, and we can make a few bunce, lovely jubbly.
EXT.NIGHT. NELSON MANDELA HOUSE CAR PARK.
The now familiar scene of the car park, with litter blowing etc, all that has changed is the erection of the small police caravan acting as an HQ, a lone police man can be seen through the window, he is watching a black and white portable TV, he gets up and goes to the window, he shines his torch outside for a second or two then sits back down.
Our view backs away from the caravan and as it does the figure of the burglar darts from behind one parked car to another, then from that car to behind the police caravan, then from there across the lawn and out of site.
EXT.NIGHT. NELSON MANDELLA HOUSE FRONT ENTRANCE.
Del, Rod, Trig and Denzil come out all dressed in black, including black hats.
DEL. Where did you say you got this gear from Trig?
TRIG. From my council depot.
DEL. Well it’s really good of ya Trig, nice one.
TRIG. Anything to help catch that thieving scum.
RODNEY. Didn’t they ask what you wanted it for Trig?
TRIG. I didn’t give myself a chance Dave, I nicked it.
They look at each other.
DEL. Right you all know what’s happening, Me and Rodney will patrol the area around Nelson Mandela house, Trig, you do Desmond Tutu house, and Denzil your over there at Zimbabwe house, got it?
ALL. Yeah…..(etc)
They all head off in different directions.
DEL. Remember, keep in the shadows, actually, Denzil, keep out of em, we might never find you again.
We now cut to various clips of all them sneaking around and looking about.
We see Denzil as he walks past the sign that reads Zimbabwe House, he turn a corner into a dark area, we see a man leaning up walking in the same direction, Denzil looks around, then he runs and grabs the man, we see it’s Trigger.
TRIG. Get off Denzil, it’s me.
He lets him go.
(THEY TALK IN WHISPERS)
DENZIL. What are you doing round here, this is my patch.
TRIGGER. It was all quiet over there.
DENZIL. What do you expect him to do, sing hi ho, hi ho, it’s off to work we go, of course it’s gonna be quiet, go on, get back over there.
Trigger begins to walk off, then suddenly does his strange Boycie imitation machine gun laugh.
Denzil turns round.
DENZIL. (Whispering loudly) Trig, what are you laughing at?
TRIGGER. (Whispering loudly) I told my self a joke to pass the time.
Denzil reacts then walks off.
We cut to Del and Rod.
ROD. It’s gone two.
DEL. Has it, don’t time fly when your crime fighting.
ROD. I’m tired Del.
DEL. So am I actually Rodders, shall we call it a night.
ROD. Yeah, shall we go get the others.
DEL. No, they’re alright, they’re enjoying themselves.
ROD. It don’t matter anyway cuz here they come.
We see Denzil and Trig walking over.
DENZIL. We’re calling it a night Del.
DEL. Yeah, so are we, thanks for your help though chaps, we appreciate it.
We hear glass break, only quietly though.
TRIGGER. Did you hear that.
ROD. Yeah, it came from up there.
He points up to the flats they stand in front of.
They walk backwards so they can see in.
3 floors up we can see the torchlight and the outline of a man.
DEL. Quick, Rodders, go get the old Bill.
Rodney runs over to the police caravan and bangs on the door.
The copper opens it.
ROD. Quick, the man who’s been burgling everyone is up there in that flat.
Rod points.
EXT.NIGHT. NELSON MANDELLA HOUSE.
People have gathered outside and stand with the now increased number of coppers, we see Del, Grandad, Trig, Rod and Denzil stood together.
We see up at the flat, the man tries to get over the balcony but is collared by an officer.
OFFICER. This is the end of your fun and games sunshine, your nicked.
DEL. Come on you two, lets get to bed.
The same copper who questioned Del and Rod hears this and gives them another funny look.
ROD. Don’t you wanna know who done it?
DEL. His picture will be all over the Peckham Echo tomorrow, I’ll see it then, come on.
They start to leave.
GRANDAD. You know what this means don’t ya Del?
DEL. What?
GRANDAD. The police will bugger off now and you can go pick that gear up.
DEL. Shut up you stupid old git.
Del looks round to make sure no one heard him.
INT.DAY. THE TROTTERS FLAT.
Grandad is putting the breakfast places out, Rod enters.
ROD. Del up yet?
GRANDAD. Yeah, he’s gone to pick that gear up off that Bloke.
The door slams.
Del enters and slams the other door, he kicks a Hoover and pours him self a large drink.
ROD. What’s up?
DEL. (angry) Shut up Rodney.
GRANDAD. Did you get the gear?
DEL. (angry)No I bloody well didn’t.
GRANDAD. Wasn’t there anyone in?
DEL. Oh there was someone in all right, about eight coppers and his wife.
ROD. What we’re eight coppers doing there?
DEL. The same thing as me, collecting electrical equipment.
ROD. You mean it was nicked?
DEL. Yeah, and guess where from?
ROD. Not…….not these flats.
DEL. According to the copper that answered the door, Mickey the Bleedin Pill has been in more flats on this estate in the last few nights than Coronation Street.
GRANDAD. What a turn up.
DEL. Yeah, what a bloody turn up, its one piece of bad news after another.
ROD. There is one piece of good news that should put a smile on your face, Del
Rod gets up and goes behind bar.
DEL. What?
ROD.I found this on the way in last night.
Rod throws Del the brown shirt Grandad bought him that he threw off the balcony.
GRANDAD. That Mickey must of dropped it Delboy.
ROD. Yeah, must of done.
Del throws it at Rod.
DEL. I’ll bloody drop you.
THE END
Your Scripts
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Script guidelines
- Please use the characters by John Sullivan (Del, Rodney, Trig Boycie etc) as the central characters
- Please write the script in the same way as others on this site (eg each line starts with the person speaking and a dot “Del.”)
- Always keep your files as we may want to change one or two things and it will be easier if you have kept all versions.
- Keep it clean and presentable as it’s a family show
- Make it funny, but believable
