D.T. PHONE HOME – part 2 (Fans Script)
BY PETE RIGBY
…continued from yesterdays script
Scene 13: Market.
Del and Joanie have set up stool in the market. Del is giving his spiel. A crowd has formed around his stool.
Del: Come closer, ladies and gentlemen, don’t be shy, what I’ve got here, you’re all gonna want. And it won’t be the first time for some of you.
Del winks at a middle-aged attractive woman in the crowd. She winks back
Del: This all-singing, all-dancing mobile phone hasn’t even been invented yet, let alone made. It’s got gigabytes coming out of its ears. If anyone would like an instruction on everything this mobile phone can do my lovely assistant will be happy to show you
The crowd look at Joanie
Joanie: I’m sixteen
A crowd gather around Joanie
Scene 14: Del’s flat. Living room. 6 hours later
Joanie is playing with her new phone. Del is sat at the dining table counting money
Del: 29,900, 29,950, 30,000. Lovely Jubbly!
Joanie: I had a good time today, Uncle Del
Del: Not as good as me sweetheart
The doorbell rings. It’s Rodney come to collect Joanie. Del opens the door
Del: You forgot your packed lunch Rodney
Rodney: Funny. I had to sit opposite that couple on the bus. And to make matters worse. That tie you sold me is a Peckham Secondary Modern school tie
Del: Well look on the bright side Rodney. You only had to pay half fair!
Del and Rodney enter the living room. Rodney looks at Joanie expecting to see the girl from the Exorcist. He is relieved when he doesn’t. Joanie is still playing with her new phone
Rodney: Alright Joan, what have you got there?
Joanie: Uncle Del gave it to me
Rodney: Did he? I hope you kept the receipt. So. What have you done today?
Del: Not a lot, did we, sweetheart?
Joanie: Nah, not really.
Rodney: Oh
Joanie: Oh I forgot. We played this game where I had to pretend to be 16 then Uncle Del took me to the market and I helped him flog some hooky phones.
Rodney: I don’t believe it. I’m gonna kill you Del
Del runs into the kitchen. Rodney follows
Del: Look Rodney
Del shows Rodney the money he made from selling the mobiles
Del: There’s 30 grand there. Don’t you see? I can get Raquel back now
Rodney is still angry. Del counts out £500 and places it in Rodney’s hand
Del: That’s for you Rodney.
Rodney: I’m not happy about this Del. She’s only 7. What if the old bill had walked by?
Del: Don’t worry. I had it all covered Rodney
Rodney: Covered? How?
Del: I had a lookout
Rodney: A lookout? Who?
Del: Joanie
Del laughs and pours out 2 glasses of asti spumante
Rodney: It ain’t funny Del
Del: Look, all she did was went to work with her Uncle. Nothing wrong with that is there?
Rodney: I suppose not
Del: And I won’t say nothing to Cassandra if you don’t
Rodney: Nah, but I know someone who will
Del: Just slip Cassandra £100 pound and everyone’s a winner
Rodney: Yeah, ok. So what are you gonna do with the money Del?
Del: I’m gonna do this place up and get my family back Rodders
Del and Rodney smile and clink their glasses
Scene 15: Del’s flat. Living room.
Del is on the phone
Del: Hello Denzil, I need a favour
Scene 16: Rodney and Cassandra’s flat
Rodney picks up his keys and kisses Casandra on the cheek.
Rodney: Right, I’d better be going. I’ve gotta meet Del at 8.
Cassandra: Ok, be lucky!
Rodney stares at Cassandra shocked (paranoid)
Rodney: What d’ya mean, ‘be lucky’?
Cassandra: With the cards
Rodney: Oh right, thanks
Scene 17: A West End backstreet. 9pm. Friday
Del and Rodney are queuing outside a club. Singing can be heard coming from inside the club
Del: Listen to that Rodney. That’s my Raquel
Rodney: How can you tell? I can hardly hear it
Del: Oh, I know her voice Rodney, that’s definitely her
Rodney sees a sign outside the club that reads ‘members only tonight’
Rodney: Oh bloody hell. Look Del. We’re never gonna get in here. It’s members only.
Del looks deflated
Del: I’ve got it. Well Boycie said that he was a member, so we’ll just mention his name, slip the doorman a Lady Godiva and we’ll be in. What could go wrong?
Del walks to the front of the queue and approaches the doorman flashing his ‘senior citizen travel pass’
Del: Good evening sir, I am Chief Inspector Trotter and this is my collegue. I believe you have a member by the name of Mr Boyce?
Doorman: That’s correct
Del: Well, we’ve arranged to meet him here for some undercover surveillance work
Doorman: He’s not here yet
Del: Do you mind if we go inside and wait for him
Doorman: I don’t see why not.
Del slips something into the doorman’s hand. Del and Rodney enter the club. The doorman looks in his hand. It’s a five pound note
Doorman: (whispers) Tight git
Woman behind counter: That’s £30 each please
Del: Thirty quid! Can you put it on Mr Boyce’s tab please
Woman behind counter: Can you confirm his address?
Del: Certainly. Number 10. Queen’s Avenue. Dulwich
Woman behind counter: Thank-you sir, go straight through
Del and Rodney look at each other and smile
Del: Can you tell me where I can find the singer
Woman behind counter: At the bar drinking Martini
Del: Thank you sweetheart
Del and Rodney enter the club.
Del: Stay there Rodney
Del walks towards the bar trying to act cool. Sat on a stool drinking Martini is what Del believes to be Raquel.
Del: Hello sweetheart. I’ve come to take you home
The person on the stool swings round to reveal a transvestite in a black wig, tattoos and a 5 O’Clock shadow
Del: Gordon Bennett!
Transvestite: I booked the cab for 9.30. You’re early!
Del: Sorry love, I mean bruv, I’ve got the wrong person
Del hurries back to Rodney
Del: Come on let’s go. Lively Rodney
Rodney: Was that Raquel?
Del: Nah mate. It was Ricky
Del leaves the club and Rodney follows
Scene 18: West End backstreet. 10pm. Friday
Del and Rodney are walking slowly along the pavement
Del: How the hell could I have known it was a gay bar?
Rodney: It was called ‘Brokeback’s’
Del: What I’m more concerned about Rodney is why on earth is Boycie a member?
Rodney: Oh yeah. I forgot about that. Here you don’t think he’s………… you know
Del: What?
Rodney: You know
Del: Bisected?
Rodney: The word is bisexual
Del: Yeah, that as well
Rodney: They say one in three men are gay.
Del: Well there you go. We’re alright. So it must be him
Rodney: I’ve always wondered why he had that Freddie Mercury moustache
Del: Yeh. And he talks all poncey, don’t he?
Rodney: Here, I bet you weren’t far wrong when you said he was brown-nosing some rich arab.
Del: It’d be terrible if all the boys down the Nag’s Head found out, wouldn’t it?
Del and Rodney look at each other and laugh. Their laughter is cut short by the distinctive sound of Raquel’s voice coming from a nearby club.
Scene 19: Nightclub. Friday night.
Raquel and a man are sat on stools on a small stage singing Don McClean’s ‘And I Love You So’. 20 candle-lit tables are scattered around the room. Del and Rodney sit down at one of the tables. A waitress takes their order. Raquel sees Del but keeps her composure and finishes the song and leaves the stage. The audience applaud. Del stands up and whistles with his fingers.
Scene 20: Nightclub. Dressing room
Raquel and Tarquin, her gay singing partner, are changing into their civilian clothes
Raquel: Did you see those two men who turned up at the end?
Tarquin: Yes, the little fat one was quite cute wasn’t he? I did hear him order a Snowball and Cherryade though which I found quite endearing!
Raquel: Yeh, that’s Del
Tarquin: You mean to say you know him?
Raquel: I was married to him. Well, I still am. It all went a bit pear-shaped a few months ago. And things went downhill in the bedroom. You see Del’s a man’s man. Do you know what I mean?
Tarquin reads the situation wrong and assumes Del is now gay
Tarquin: Oh, I think I know what you mean.
Raquel: Look I’d better go and see what he wants. I’ll be in the bar
Tarquin: Okay, I’ll be with you in a few minutes
Scene 21: Nightclub. Bar
Raquel approaches Del and Rodney
Raquel: Hello Del. Hello Rodney.
Del: Raquel!
Raquel: What do you want Del?
Del: Oh I’ll have a Bailey’s and cream soda please sweetheart
Raquel: No Del, I mean why are you here?
Del: I wanted to see you Raquel. I’ve missed you. Come on, come back home
Raquel: I don’t know Del
Del: The business is doing well. I sold them mobile phones. I made thir……… twenty grand today. Anyway, enough of me. How are you? How’s Damien?
Raquel: We’re fine thanks.
Del: Who’s the bloke?
Raquel: What bloke?
Del: The geezer you sing with
Raquel: His name is Tarquin. And don’t worry, nothing’s going on.
Del: Oh…….good
Tarquin enters and joins Del, Rodney and Raquel at the bar. He is wearing an Arsenal Football Club shirt.
Raquel: Del, this is Tarquin?
Del: Hello Tarquin.
Del stands up and shakes Tarquin’s hand. Del clocks Tarquin’s Arsenal shirt. Tarquin is still under the illusion Del is gay.
Del: I used to go up the Arsenal
Tarquin: Yes, Raquel did mention it
Del: Ahh, did she? Listen, I ain’t been up there for a while. D’ya fancy it?
Tarquin: What about Raquel?
Del: She can come. Yeh, she don’t mind watching actually
Tarquin: Really? I’ve always thought she was a sly one
Del: So. You up for it?
Tarquin: I couldn’t. I’m with someone
Del: What’s that got to do with it? Oh, don’t the wife let you?
Tarquin: The wife? I’m in a civil partnership
Del: Me too. Me and Raquel are always polite to each other
Scene 22: Nightclub. Later
Rodney is talking to Tarquin. Del is talking to Raquel. Del asks the waiter for the bill.
Del: I’ve missed you Raquel
Raquel: Have you?
Del: Like the deserts miss the rain. Come on, come back home. You know it makes sense
Raquel: There’d have to be some changes Del
Del: Of course. Whatever you say sweetheart
Raquel: First things first. I want you to make me a partner of Trotters Independent Trading. I want access to everything coming in and everything going out. You don’t buy anything without consulting with me first. And we share everything. Okay?
Del: Are you meaning to say you want to buy Rodney out? My only brother
Rodney: If you’ve got a spare fiver. It’s yours Raquel
Del: Charming! And what is that value based on Rodney?
Rodney: Last year’s ‘ total profits after tax’ statement
Del: Yeh, well, we’re in a procession ain’t we?
Rodney: You mean a recession
Del: That’s what I said
The waiter hands Del the bill on a small silver tray. Del looks at the bill in shock. It’s for £80. Del turns to Raquel.
Del: You know when you said you wanted to share everything
Raquel: Yes
Del: Did you mean…….everything?
Raquel: Yes. Everything.
Del: Right. Well I bought the last round so this must be yours
Del gives Raquel the drinks bill, he stands up and walks to the cloakroom. Raquel sits open-mouthed.
Scene 23: Del’s flat. Living room.
Denzil and Trigger are finishing off decorating the flat. Even by Del’s standards, the flat looks tasteful. And new furniture has been added.
Denzil: How did you get on with that tip I gave you Trigger?
Trigger: The one you told me to keep under my belt?
Denzil: Yeh
Trigger lifts his jumper to reveal the same piece of paper
Trigger: Don’t worry Denzil, It’s still there
Trigger winks at Denzil who in turn stares into space. The front door opens and in walk Del and Raquel
Del: What do think Raquel?
Raquel: I love it! Thanks Del. Thanks Denzil. Thanks Trigger.
Denzil: My pleasure. Welcome back!
Damien, now 19 years old, walks in empty-handed followed by Rodney struggling with suitcases
Del: Cor this is great. Just like the old days, eh!
Damien: Just down there, Rodders
Rodney: Yeh, just like the old days. Cos-bloody-mic
Del: Why don’t you and Damien sort yourselves out and I’ll put the kettle on
Raquel: Ok Del. And thanks
Del: I should be the one saying thanks.
Del kisses Raquel lingeringly on the lips. Rodney, Denzil and Trigger look on in embarrassment. Raquel and Damien go to their respective bedrooms. Del walks into the kitchen
Del: Right boys, follow me. I’ve got something very interesting to tell you about Boycie
Scene 24: Del’s flat. Living Room
Laughter can be heard from the kitchen. Del walks into the living room alone. Raquel enters the room at the same time from the bedroom. They meet in the middle of the living room and cuddle
Del: You know I was only joking about the bill for the drinks at the club don’t you sweetheart?
Raquel: It’s ok Del. A deal’s a deal. We share everything from now on.
Del: Mais Oui! Mais Oui!
Trigger walks in
Trigger: Here Del, Dave was just telling me about that thirty grand you made on some mobiles
Del’s jaw drops. He looks at Rodney
Del: You plonker!
-THE END-
pete.rigby@live.co.uk
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If you enjoyed this Pete has another only fools and horses script added here
https://www.ofah.net/blog/only-fools-and-horses-they-think-its-all-over-part-1/
Thanks Pete
Read both parts on my iphone
You have done an amazing script – Wicked!
I have to say Reading it through again it was very believable
just love the way joanie becomes dels new partner
Just one thing – it’s STALL not Stool…
You’re right! Dunno how I missed that mistake. What a Plonker! :-)