Only Fools Fan script

Today we thought you would enjoy this Only Fools and Horses fans script by Scott Hainge. We will allow him to give you its background…
In the summer of 2002 the Only Fools Society ran a competition, with the idea of making a very short episode to celebrate the 21st Anniversary Special. I entered the competietion and wrote the below script. The idea never happened I am afraid, I am unsure why exactly, but the idea never saw the light of day…A shame really…

I had forgotten about the script until in 2011 we decided to attended our very first Only Fools Convention in Portsmouth. I printed the script out and thought it would be fun for the 3 actors, BOYCIE, MARLENE AND TRIGGER to sign my script. I know…GEEK…
However when we got to the convention we had a lovely little surprise, when I got to Roger Lloyd Pack he actually took the time to read a few lines and then looked at me and said did you write this and I said yes. He then nodded approvingly and signed it.
With Rogers passing, I just thought it was a nice little touch to add the script to the site 14 years after I wrote it.

SCATTERED MEMORIES

Written By: Scott Hainge

Originally Written 2002

Written Initially For: Only Fools Appreciation Society 21st Anniversary Mini Episode Competition

Scene starts off in a cemetery. Elsie Partridge is standing by a grave. She is in the process of putting some flowers on to the gravesite.

Elsie: There we go pet looks nice and colourful for you on your big day. Least the weathers held up. I suppose the family will be down later, their probably off buying something nice for you.

Elsie just stares at the grave she becomes upset and starts to cry.

Elsie: (To Herself) Silly old goat. I promised myself I wouldn’t cry.

Trigger approaches, he is carrying a dark reef with an RAF Sign on it and a small carrier bag.

Trigger: Hello Elsie, you alright.

Elsie: Yes I’m alright pet. Just a bit upset you know how it is.

Trigger: Yeah I don’t like these places. Never much happening is there.

Elsie: No not really.

Elsie Looks At Triggers flowers

Elsie: What you got there flower?

Trigger: Flowers. Well it’s more a leaf of deepest respect I had made especially for Albert to celebrate his passing you know.

Elsie: He’s passing? Were not here to celebrate his passing, were here because it is his Birthday love.

Trigger: His Birthday?

Elsie: Yeah

Trigger: Oh right. Not much of a turn out is it.

Elsie: They’ll be down later don’t you worry, all the family. He would have been 76 today. He’s last birthday was lovely we went to Margate; he always loved it by the sea. Don’t think I’m being rude pet, but why has that got an RAF sign on it?

Trigger: Well like I said I had em specially made, thought it be a nice treat for Albert, what with him being in service in his younger days and that.

Elsie: Yeah but he weren’t in the R.A.F.

Trigger: You sure.

Elsie: Positive pet, I knew him all his life, lived with him for 6 years. He was in the Royal Navy, boy to man.

Trigger: Well, you learn something everyday don’t you?

Elsie: Well some days. 40 years plus. Make’s you proud. A man doing service like that, fighting to insure Britain would never be enslaved. All those brave lads. Never be forgotten what they did.

Trigger: Yeah gets ya right here doesn’t it (Indicates His Heart). Hard to know what he did really though, I mean he never talked about his past much did he.

Elsie’s expression changes to slight shock, she reluctantly agrees.

Elsie: Mmm… Did you actually know him well then?

Trigger: (Offended) Course I did. He was Del & Dave’s Uncle weren’t he?

Elsie: Oh its ok pet I thought… hang on, did you just say Del & Dave.

Trigger: Yeah.

Elsie: Who the hell (realises where she is) sorry… who’s Dave?
Trigger: Del Boy’s younger brother isn’t he.

Elsie: You mean to tell me Del Boys got a brother called Dave? Well Albert never said anything.

Trigger: Well Albert definitely met him. Yeah I thought everyone knew that.

Elsie: Well I certainly didn’t. You do learn something everyday. Well I mean, who, is, how old is he, what’s he like.

Trigger: Oh he’s a real friendly bloke, good listener.

Elsie: You’ve met him a lot then.

Trigger: Yeah, yeah, loads. Quite clever as well, mind you I think he takes after his mum there, I mean she was a very intelligent women weren’t she, Del Boys mum.

Elsie: Well, mmm… I shouldn’t speak ill of the dead should I.

Trigger: She had a really good job and everything you know.

Elsie: I thought Albert told me she used to clean down the council, and then they had to sack her for stealing.
Trigger: No before that. She used to be a, now what was it Del called it.

Elsie: A drunk.

Trigger: No, No.

Elsie: When she worked at the cinema you mean?

Trigger: No, no… What was it, oh yeah; that was it, she was a ‘’Freelance Estate Agent’’, very good job.

Elsie: (Interested) What’s that when it’s at home then.

Trigger: She used to advertise flats and rooms out to men.

Elsie: Men and women?

Trigger: No, just men.

Elsie: What Joan Trotter selling flats. I never heard anyone mention that before in all me life.

Trigger: Well she only did it for a while I think. I saw her the one Friday night. She was based outside the Nags Head, she used to approach cars, put her head inside, point to this flat, and then take money off the men. She’d go missing for an hour at a time, smashing women.
Elsie is completely shocked.

Elsie: I think I better be off. Some of things you hear. God, they’ll be some strange faces down the legion tonight.

Trigger: Why ain’t you been for a bit.

Elsie: No, I mean with what you just told me, shocking isn’t the word. (Looking at Grave) Perhaps you’re better off where you are Albert. Happy Birthday my love, I will say hi to all the girls for you, I’ll be back up later. Bye Pet.

Elsie leaves the scene in quite a hurry.

Trigger is standing alone, he seems bored and as if he is just about to leave.

Trigger: (To Grave) so how are you Albert? We miss you…

Boycie & Marlene enter the scene.

Trigger: (Calls with relief) Boycie…

Marlene is holding a bunch of flowers, Boycie has his mobile phone in his hand.

Marlene: Shhhh… Trigger, don’t shout out loud like that.

Boycie: Yes, someone might think you’ve seen a ghost (Does the Boycie laugh)

Trigger: I’m glad you’re here.

Boycie: Why, a bit dead is it (Does the Boycie laugh again)

Marlene: Boycie (sharp), show some respect will ya, this is a peaceful place.

Boycie: Show some respect, this woman is something else isn’t she Trig. Let me tell you something my little buttercup of poison there are not many local businessmen who would have missed an important meeting with a North European client to come to a cemetery.

Marlene: What dodgy Ken Miller from Glasgow.

Boycie: Keep your voice down, there’s only a few of us who now he’s actually out yet.

Marlene: You ok Trig?

Trigger: Yeah I’m all right, just popped down to see Albert.

Marlene: Bless you. Oh look at this grave will ya, all boring and dull.

Boycie: That is what graves look like Marlene. They are not illuminated at night, they don’t turn yellow in the dark. (Yellow Peril Reference)

Marlene: God you’re a sarky git when you miss a chance to make a bit of bunce you are.

Boycie: Well let me tell you it is that little bunce that pays for the…

Trigger: Shhhh.

Boycie: What you mean shhhh…

Trigger: Nothing… Just interesting word ain’t it.

Boycie: He get’s worse.

Marlene places a small bunch of flowers on the grave.

Marlene: There you go Albert, that’ll brighten things up for you.

All stand just staring at the grave.

Boycie: Well this is splitting fun isn’t it?

Marlene: It’s not supposed to be fun, it’s respect for Albert, it’s his first Birthday since well you know, he passed away, and the first one’s always the hardest.

Trigger: Well you found that out with young Tyler didn’t ya.

Boycie: That’s right see… (Stops looks at Trigger). It is not a matter of respect for Albert, it is the fact that we are standing here on our own looking at a grave with Albert’s name on it, I mean that’s not him in there.

Trigger: Ain’t it, what you reckon they made a mix up. I had heard stuff like that could happen. See I read that…

Boycie: (SHOUTS) Trigger…

2 Elderly Women at another gravesite look over at Boycie, they give him a ‘very disapproving look’.

Marlene: Well I fink its nice were all here. Sort of tradition, like some of Albert’s old birthday do’s.

Boycie: Oh yes some of them were cracking weren’t they. I wonder if this year Raquel will do a strip tease whilst dressed as a naval officer.

Marlene: Boycie, nobody ever brings that up it’s all forgot about now.

Boycie: Well not by me, do you remember Del Boy’s face (Does Boycie laugh again)
The 2 elderly women look over again.

Marlene: You’re going to get us thrown out of her in a minute.

Boycie: That’s where you’re wrong Marlene.

Marlene: I don’t think so, that old woman with the hat on looks pretty mad to me.

Boycie: No, I mean, were not all here to celebrate are we, just us three mugs as usual.

Trigger: Old Elsie was just here.

Marlene: Elsie?

Trigger: Elsie Partridge, old dear Albert lived with.

Marlene: Oh I know, the women who can contact the dead, was she just here, I would have liked to have said hello to her.

Boycie: Well say it now; with her talents she’ll probably still hear you.

Trigger: Now come on Boycie, you shouldn’t make fun of people like that. I believe she can make contact with the spirits.
Boycie: Yes I agree Trig, more accurately known as Jack Daniels.

Marlene: I honestly don’t believe you sometimes Boycie, you moan about everything and anything. Albert was our friend.

Boycie: Marlene, I’ll have you know I have missed Albert, a friend for many years he was, and sorely missed he has been, mind you I have heard that the lunch time trade has picked up at The Nag’s Head now he’s stopped playing there.

Marlene: What a horrible thing to say, I thought Albert had a lovely voice. When he got going.

Boycie: Well that’s it isn’t it, he never did get going. No I’m afraid only a moron would agree with you there.

Trigger: Well I liked his voice.

Boycie: The defence rest. Anyway I am not moaning about coming to the cemetery, I don’t mind coming down here to see Albert, I don’t even mind paying for the first round at the special drinks due that Sid is holding later on today, but what does bother me is the simple fact that it’s all us three mugs here. Where’s the infamous Trotter family on this special day.

Marlene: You know where they are.

Boycie: No I don’t.

Marlene: Yes you do their appearing in court.

Boycie: Oh yes of course. Makes me so proud of our boy, wonderful lad our Tyler. So let me guess, son of Del is at it again is he.

Trigger: Little rascal ain’t he. Still, proves his a lad.

Boycie: Proves his heading straight for jail.

Marlene: Well you would know. Anyway Del & Raquel are in court all day, trying to prove Damien’s innocence.

Boycie: Well they’ll have a job.

Trigger: Why.

Boycie: Cause his guilty, probably.

Marlene: He is not guilty. According to Del he really did think that was their car and he was just trying to get in it.

Boycie: Marlene, since when do you enter your own car by smashing in the window.

Trigger: You don’t know these days Boycie, I mean some of them German cars are really technical.

Boycie just looks at Trigger

Boycie: Ok then, that’s one half of the Trotter dynasty answered for, so where on earth are Rodney & Cassandra then?

Marlene: Their in Spain.

Boycie: Spain. Oh it’s alright for some. We are here while their over in Spain jollying it up, anyway I thought they were broke.

Marlene: They are, Cass’s Mum is ill, and Alan has paid for Rodney & Cassandra to fly out to their Villa for the week.

Boycie: Oh what a shame, I bet poor little Rodney couldn’t bring himself to turn down the chance of a week in Spain.

Trigger: I knew they weren’t coming. How come you didn’t know any of this then Boyce?

Marlene: (Jumps In) Cause nobody wants to talk to him. Got no friends, even his son cries when he puts that face close by him. Just look at the state of this grave; you would have thought old Elsie would have cleaned it.

Trigger: I think she was going to. She left in quite a hurry really, I know she’s coming back up later; she’ll probably do it then.

Boycie: Left a bit sudden did she?

Marlene: Probably too upsetting for her.

Boycie: Yeah. (Looks At His Watch) Or because the pubs have just opened.

Trigger: Speaking of which, you heading down there now Boycie?

Boycie: Yes, come on then.

Trigger: Oh, before I forget Del asked me to put this on the grave. Just a small little something.

Marlene: Why didn’t he just bring it up later himself?

Boycie: Perhaps his sunglasses are broke. (Boycie laugh)

Trigger produces a yellow vase with red flowers in. They look cheap & tacky.

Boycie: Good God, very Del Boy those aren’t they.

Trigger: Yeah. (Point towards his heart again) Gets your right here don’t it.

Marlene: Come on let’s go and have a drink for Albert. Bye, Bye Albert.

Boycie: Goodbye Albert.

Trigger: Yeah see ya around Albert.

Boycie looks at Trigger again.

Marlene grabs Boycie’s hand, she is becoming all sentimental.

Trigger: Watching an interesting program on the TV last night, all about the Blitz. Terrible time’s, horrible things happened. Did you know that’’ DURING THE WAR’’? (During The War is A VOICE OVER OF ALBERT)

Boycie & Marlene: (Shout) NO!!!!!!!!!!

THE END