GRANDAD V ALBERT
(Who was the best ‘soppy old duffer’?)
Throughout history there have been many epic battles that divide opinion almost 50/50.
Coke v Pepsi, KFC v McDonalds, Asda v Tesco, and of course Kramer v Kramer to name but a few.
Well would you Adam and Eve it? It’s time to ponder the question that makes all of those examples listed above seem like, well like Poulet Nuevo, as the French would say.
First let’s take a look at the tale of the tape…..
NAME: Ted ‘Grandad’ Trotter
NICKNAMES: other than ‘daft old git’ and words to that effect, none.
AGE: Unknown but rumour has it the Turin Shroud is the only item of clothing older than his vest.
NUMBER OF APPEARANCES: 22 episodes from Series 1-3 (did not appear in Cash & Curry)
BEST LINES: “Well I’d have to think twice” Del claims Rodney’s new 40 year old girlfriend is too old for even him, Grandad agrees.
“What you got Rodney, a Wendy House”? Grandad gives Rodney’s new business venture, the self-catering holiday trade, all his encouragement
“He was 18, he pretended he was 14” Grandad tells a story about how young lads were pretending to be 18 in order to fight in the war, when he claims his Brother George lied about his age Rodney wrongly assumes he pretended to be 18.
GREATEST MOMENT: ‘IT’S COMING DELBOY’ – Unbolting the wrong chandelier in ‘a Touch of Glass’
And onto his opponent….
NAME: Albert Gladstone Trotter
NICKNAMES: Boomerang Trotter, The Ferret, Captain Birdseye, The old man of the sea, Sinbad, Jonah.
AGE: Again unknown but Henry VIII was said to be a big fan of his beard.
NUMBER OF APPEARANCES: 35 episodes from Series 4-7 & 12 Christmas Specials (Did not appear in series 4 episode ‘Happy Returns’ or the Christmas Specials ‘If the could see us now’, ‘Strangers on the Shore’ or ‘Sleepless in Peckham’ (the latter 3 due to actor Buster Merryfield’s death in 1999)
BEST LINES: “They tried to get me on Naval technicalities like, err, err, it was broad daylight”
Albert fails with his defence of “It wasn’t showing any light” when court marshalled for ruining a perfectly good aircraft carrier by ramming it with his boat.
“I wasn’t going to say during the war, bloody little know-all……during the 1939-1945 conflict with Germany” said after a Del warns him not to say ‘during the war’ again.
“Who’s Rachel” Albert fails to grasp that Raquel is only a stage name.
GREATEST MOMENT: URGHH A GIRL! Cocking up ‘acting shocked’ that Rodney is taking out a girl in the Episode ‘Rodney Come Home’.
So that’s the contenders looked at now onto the serious stuff.
“An out of work lamplighter waiting for gas to make a comeback”
a line that perfectly sums up Grandad Trotter, it’s not that he’s lazy it’s more that he’s been there, done that and got the (stained) T-shirt to prove it. As long as he’s got a tenner for a bet and his two tellies then he’s happy as a sandboy.
Albert on the other hand is always on the go, he likes Dominos (sometimes even the Ninja variety) Piano playing (badly), a spot of singing, he was a member of the over 60s club and despite his advancing years and unlike Grandad, he still hard an eye for the ladies.
Where Grandad tended to sit at home in the flat watching the Dukes of Hazzard on the Microwave, Albert would be out and about on the financial fast lane with Delboy.
Rodney’s decision to work for Cassandra’s dad Alan opening up new career opportunities for him as Trotters independent traders executive lookout and not so glamourously, Delboys stooge in the market when he was knocking out deep penetration massages, Neither role suited the salty sea dog and a combination of not actually looking while looking out, and turning into a geriatric Wayne Sleep with just one buzz of the massager meant that neither career lasted long.
Grandad may have avoided work but looking back at his recruitment of Albert, I’m sure Del wishes Albert shared his brother’s view.
“Now you’ve gone and knackered the Gravy Boat”
When it comes to cocking up it’s very difficult to decide who was worse, over the course of the series both have been known to wreck even the best laid plans.
Who could forget the time Grandads brain stopped him handing out thousands of leaflets advertising Trotters Ethnic Tours, or when he allowed his nerves to get the better of him in front of Rodney’s Police woman date and blurted out that Rodney had a police record (luckily, if nothing else Delboy has got a fast tongue “yeah it’s walking on the moon”) and no one will ever forget Grandads debut as an apprentice Chandelier cleaner.
Albert doesn’t get off lightly when discussing norsing up either, who likes Coffee on their Roast dinners? Unfortunately for Albert no one in the Trotter household did the time he got Oxo and Maxwell House arse about tit. Or there’s the time his lies about being attacked by 4, 5 or was it 6 muggers? Convinced Delboy to recruit Oily Ollie’s gang to beat up a pack of undercover policemen working on the estate to combat, wait for it, a gang of muggers! if only he had admitted in the first place that ‘Trotters Trembler’ had failed him and he’d lost a fight to his old mate, knock-knock.
At the end of the day though they are family and both Del and Rodney care about their family more than anything. So despite Del feeling like a turkey that had just caught Bernard Matthews smiling at it the day Albert moved in, Or Rodney having to wade knee deep in scented Kipper to get back Biffo the Bears trumpet Albert had chucked down the shoot, nothing comes between family. Not even a bit of a sort like Pauline Harris.
“During the War…..
So in summing up we’re no closer to answering the question of who is the greatest old duffer in sitcom history. Both, over the course of the show have made us howl with laughter, and both have caused no end of grief for Del and Rodney, granted only Albert has ever taken a life size blow up doll wearing Del’s late mother’s clothes on a date but let’s not split heirs.
If you’re the sort of person who enjoys an afternoon nap (that lasts all day) doesn’t like cheese burgers, and have sobering thoughts that turn you to drink then I’m sure you will consider Grandad the greatest, however, if you, like Albert, have wrecked every boat, ship & battle cruiser you’ve ever sailed on, been knocked out by Knock-Knock or sailed a schooner (with an engine) all the way to Hull & Back then he’s your man.
One thing we can all agree on is that the Roles of Grandad & Albert were played to perfection by Leonard & Buster and it is impossible to imagine anyone else in those roles.
Both bought warmth, laughter and an excellent foil for both Del and Rodney to bounce off.
‘Albert did more’ is the usual argument when stating his case, and people have a point, he did do more but when he did anything, no one did it like Grandad.
Bonjour for now.
Martin Hart
I would say Grandad, because of the really funny lines like ‘he got me a cheeseburger’, ‘I’m trying to get the Dukes of Hazzard’ on the microwave, ‘Well I’ll have to think twice’ and the bit where he was talking to the urn, my favourite part of all time.
I think there both good but sorry Grandad is amazing!!!
I COULD NEVER & WOULD NEVER CHOOSE BETWEEN EITHER GRANDAD ‘WHAT YOU GOT – A WENDYHOUSE’ IN ‘HEALTHY COMPETITION’ OR UNCLE ALBERT ‘THERE’S NO CHANCE OF THIS GETTING A PUNCTURE IS THERE’ IN ‘STRAINED RELATIONS’. THEY WERE BOTH THE BEST (GOD REST THEM).
Like asking ‘who is your favourite sibling’?.. Can’t answer that one. Love em both.
I don’t think you can compare the two. They are both Trotters, and that alone makes them plonkers. They are both crooks yet they are loveable.
Each character was so different from the other and i am pleased thats how they were written and portrayed on the screen. It would have been aweful if Albert would have been anything like Grandad.
They were both hilarious, charming and stupid.
Whose the best? They both were
i would never be able to choose between them
love the That takes some beating: GREATEST MOMENT: ‘IT’S COMING DELBOY’ – Unbolting the wrong chandelier in ‘a Touch of Glass’
Brilliant article. I have always preferred Unc, both me and my brother just ran out of superlatives the last 3 episodes missed him dearly. Nonetheless, grandad certainly had his moments.
Awesome Article Martin
Some classic lines in there – for me Granddad has the edge, only just though – he was more grumpy and irritable than Albert and that just made him all the more entertaining