Only Fools and Horses Fan script : OLD MONEY

OLD MONEY is an Only Fools and Horses Fan script by Vin Hatcher

Based on characters by John Sullivan

Scene 1 – Peckham Market place

Del (to crowd):
“Ladies n’ gentlemen, today we have a true bargain, a real piece of genuine
Gordon Bleu cuisine. This is none of your foreign made rubbish. Just one pound will buy you not one… not three… but four tins of this British made….Hungarian Goulash”
Crowd start to disperse, disinterested
Del “Hold on, hold on, this is a gem, not to be sniffed at”
Trigger arrives, passing by with his cart
Trig “Alright, Del?”
Del “Triffic, Trig, just triffic, they’re all going bandy for this British Hungarian Goulash”
Trig “Where’s Dave?”
Del “Eh? Oh…Rodney? He’s at ‘ome playing wiv his floppy discs. Albert’s on look out today”
Trigger sees Albert in near distance
Trig “Alright, Albert?” (gives thumbs-up)
Albert “Alright, son?” (waves)
Del (shouts) “Just keep your eyes peeled, you soppy old git!”
(To trigger) “Anyway, Trig, how’s your luck?”
Trig “Good Del, good, as it happens. Just now, on me my round, I was sweeping in Lesotho Way and I found this, in a bush” (shows Del a metal box containing a large number of old coins)
Del “Cor, you did well, Trig”
Trig “ What do you think I should do with ‘em? Hand ‘em in?

Del “No. Old Bill won’t want ’em. It’s Finders Keepers innit? Stands to reason, or as the French say ‘Bonne Nuit, Monsieur!”
Trig “Yeah, I suppose so, Del. Not sure what to do with them, though. You
wouldn’t be interested in them would you?”
Del “Well, I don’t know much about coins, Trig. I might be able to take them off your hands. Depends on what they are. I tell you what, bring ‘em round to the flat to let Rodney have a look at them. He’s the one with GCE’s”
Trig “Alright, Del, I’ll do that. See you later.”
(to Albert) “See ya, Albert!”
Albert “Yah. See you son!”
–

Scene 2 – Trotters’ flat, Nelson Mandela House

Rodney sitting at computer, pressing buttons.
Rodney: “This poxy thing….”
Doorbell rings
Rodney “Oh, what now?”
Goes to door, let’s Trigger into the flat
“Hello Trig, come in”
They walk into front room.
Rodney sits at PC again.
Trig “Alright Dave?”
Rodney “Yes”
Trigger “How’s it going?”
Rodney “Cosmic, Trig, cosmic”
Trig “What you doing?”
Rodney “I’m boiling an egg, Trig! What’s it look like?”
Trig “I didn’t know you could use computers to do that sort of thing?”
(Rodney looks at him, bemused)
Rodney “Did you want something, Trig?”
Trig “Yeah. Del said for me to show you these coins“
(Rodney looks through the box)
Rodney “Hey, you’ve got some nice ones in here, Trig, they’ve got Queen Victoria on them and everything and in good condition”
Trig “I want to sell them if you’re interested?”
Rodney “Well, as an executive member of Trotters Independent Traders I may wish to purchase antique items such as these, yes”
Trig “Yeah, but do you want them?”
Rodney yes trick that’s what I said they’re good ones highly collectable I would have thought
Trigger “They’re yours, then, deal”
(Hold out hands to shake)
Rodney “Hold on, Trig, I ain’t even said a price yet”

Trig “Oh yeah, how much, then, Dave?”
Rodney “Shall we say… oooh (thinks) £100 Trig?”
Trig “£100? Done, Dave!”
(Holds out hand)
Trig “You just made my day!”
(They shake hands. Rodney reaches into Del’s cigar pot and pulls out £100 in notes to give to Trigger.)
(Trigger leaves, smiling)
(Rodney sits back at computer pressing buttons again. Shortly after Del comes into flat)
Del “Alright, bruv?”
Rodney “Cosmic!”
Del “What you doing?”
Rodney “Boiling an egg!”
Dell “Alright, you saucy sod!”
Rodney “Well…. “ (looks up from screen)
Rodney “How did you get on flogging the Hungarian goulash?”
Dell “Rotten. No one’s interested. Mind you, those tins are out of date, if you
read the label closely enough. Oh, did Trigger come round with a box of coins? Did you have a Butcher’s?””
Rodney “Yes”
Del. “Well, were they any good?”
Rodney “Yes. I bought them from him. Gave him a hundred”
Del “Do what?”
Rodney “I bought them. They’re over there, on the cabinet”
Dell “£100? Have you gone mad?”
Rodney “They look like collectors items to me, Del. I am empowered to purchase antiques if I deem them worthy of purchasing”
Del “Yeah I know, but a ton? Are you sure they’re collectors items?”
Rodney “Look they’ve got Queen Victoria on them an’ everything. They are old. Some people collect that sort of thing”
Del “Well, you better be right, Rodney, the last time you bought an antique we ended up with a genuine 19th century Georgian sideboard with ‘John Lewis’ stamped on the bottom!”
Rodney “I thought that was the name of a previous owner!”
Dell “What a plonker! Here, don’t Boycie collect coins and stuff like that?”
Rodney “What apart from collecting £10 notes?”
(Del laughs)
Rodney “Yes, he does collect old currency. I’ve seen them in his display cabinet.”
Del “Well I think I’ll have to show him these” (picks up the metal box to look inside)
(Door opens. Albert comes in with a cardboard box)
Del “You took your time!”
Albert “Cheeky beggar! Couldn’t you help me up with all this Hungarian
Goulash?”
Del “You used the lift, didn’t ya?”
Albert “Yah, I know, but I ain’t getting any younger am I?”
Del “Shut up, you silly old git and go and make us some grub. My stomach’s
rumbling” (rubs belly) “I’ve had a hard day selling”
Albert “You? What about me? I was working too!”
Del “Oh yeah. Hanging around looking out for PC plod… very taxing!” (laughs)
Del “’Ere, Albert take a look at these” (shows him the coins) “What do you
think?”
Albert “Dunno, son, don’t know much about numerology”
Del “Numer…what?”
Rodney “I think he means…numismatics”
Del “Yeah? Well never mind that, you soppy old sod, I’m talking about old coins”
Albert “Yah, so am I, Del and I don’t know nothing about ‘em!”
Del ”Yeah, but I thought you might recognise some of the Victorian ones? Might have spent ‘em in your youth?” (Smiles, looks at Rodney)
Albert “Bloody cheek! I’m going to make the dinner!”
(walks towards kitchen)
Rodney “What are we having?”
Albert and Del (in unison) “Hungarian goulash!”
–

Scene 3 – The Nag’s Head

Boycie at bar talking to Mike and Denzel
Boycie “So I said to this geezer you can either take that Sierra as it is or lump it, that’s what sold as seen means” (laughs)
Mike and Denzil both laugh, too
Del walks in
Del “Alright, Boycie?”
Boycie “Alright Del. Yes, not too bad”

Del “How’s Marlene, and after her bit of trouble?”
Boycie “What has that got to do with you?”
Del “Well I heard on the grapevine that she had a bit of trouble?”
Mike “Oh I’m sorry to hear that, Boycie”
Boycie “That is none of your business, Mike”
Denzil “Yeah, I’m sorry to hear about Marlene, Boycie. She had a bit of trouble?”
Boycie “She has not had a bit of trouble!”
Del “Well Sid, down the cafe said she had”
Boycie “Good God, you tell Sid something you might as well publish it in the
News of the World!”
Del “Anyway as long as she’s alright? By the way you into collecting money?”
Boycie “Who isn’t?” (laughs)
Del “No, old money, old coins?”
Boycie “I do have an interest, yes, you could say that it’s a bit of a hobby of mine”
Del “Because Rodney says he remembers seeing lots of valuable coins in that display cabinet of yours, in your front room?”
Boycie “Keep your voice down down, Del! We don’t want every cat burglar in Peckham knowing about it!”
Del “Yeah well… (whispering) he thought you had some. Would you be interested in buying some more?”
Boycie “Depends on what you’ve got?”
Del Victorian ones all call a whole box”
Boycie yes does sound mildly interesting down I must admit meet me at home tonight and I’ll have a look no promises though Del”
Del traffic boy see you know it makes sense see you tonight then”
–

Scene 4 Boycie’s House (later)

(Doorbell rings)

(Boycie opens door to Del)
Del “Where’s Marlene?”
Boycie “She’s resting, upstairs”
Del “What recovering? After her bit of trouble?”
Boycie “She has not had a bit of trouble!”
Del “Alright! Keep your hair on. Don’t start all that again!”
(shows Boycie the metal box)
Del “Here, have a look at these coins”
(Puts box on table and opens tin)
Boycie “Yes, Del, some nice ones in here. Very nice. Good condition. Worth
having. I’ll take them”
Del “Nice one. Yes! Hold on, you haven’t even heard the price yet?”
Boycie “I name the price. £500 take it or leave it, Del”
(Del is stunned)
Del “A monkey?!…Yes!” (rubs hands together) “He who dares wins!”
Boycie “Alright, Del! Don’t get too excited!”
(He starts to writes out cheque)
Boycie “Here, the police aren’t looking for these are they?”
Del “No, no, nothing like that I got them from a…trustworthy contact”
Boycie “That’s alright then. Here’s your cheque”
Del “Thank you, Boycie” (takes cheque) “pleasure doing business with you”
(sings) Trotters Independent Traders… nice to people to do business with”
Boycie “Keep your voice down Del Marlene’s resting” (points to ceiling)
Dell “Oh yes, after her bit of trouble”
(Boycie glares at del)
(Del leaves the house, laughing)
–

Scene 5 Trotters’ Flat.

Nelson Mandela House. Morning. Del eating breakfast.
Rodney reading local newspaper
Del “Where’s Albert gone?”

Rodney “Shopping”
Del “Oh….right. ‘Ere, that was a right result, last night, Rodders. 400 nicker
profit from Boycie!”
Rodney “Yeah, triffic, Del… if the cheque don’t bounce?”
Dell (mimics) “Cheque don’t bounce!” (laughs) “Boycie wouldn’t do that to me, he’s a mate!”
Rodney “Yeah, I suppose” (carries on reading newspaper)
Del “What time is Albert back, then?”
Rodney “I don’t know…….” (reading more) “Hey, listen to this!” (points at
newspaper) “Reward offered for missing coin collection £2,000 paid to the finder of valuable collection”
Del (splutters breakfast) “What? Give that to me!” (takes paper) (reads aloud) “Owner of antique coin collection anxious for it’s safe return. Oh my gawd! I hope Boycie ain’t read this? I gotta get them coins back!”
Rodney “He ain’t going to give them back now!”
Del “He will. If I give him his cheque back”
Rodney “Why should he?”
Del “Well, I’ll just tell him I changed my mind”
Rodney “Won’t he be suspicious?”
Del “Yeah, he might, but I need to get them back. That £2,000 reward should be mine….er…ours”
Rodney “Or Trigger’s?”
Del “Eh?…No, no, he was happy as Larry with that £100 you gave him. Anyway, what’s Trigger going to do with all that lolly? He’ll only spend it all down the Nag’s head. No, I’ve got to get them back from Boycie”
(Del quickly slurps tea and runs to door)
Rodney “Good luck!”
Del “Cheers, Bruv!”
–

Scene 6 Boycie’s House

(Doorbell rings. Boycie opens door)
Boycie “No!”
Del “What do you mean, no?”
Boycie “Whatever it is, I don’t want it! You had money off me yesterday!”
Del “Hold on, hold on. Hold your horses, pardner!” (laughs)
Boycie “Well, what is it?”
Del “I would like to give you your cheque back and you give me the coins back”
Boycie “Why?”
Del “I’ve changed my mind”
Boycie “No, too late. They’re mine, now”
Del “Come on Boycie, I ain’t even cashed the cheque yet, so they’re not
technically yours yet”
Boycie “Come on, Del, don’t try that one on me”

Del “I need them coins back, Boycie. I made a mistake”
Boycie “No. No go!”
Del “I tell you what, you give me the coins, I’ll give you the cheque back and I’ll give you a little bit of bunce on top… just for your trouble”
Boycie “How much?”
Del “Ton?”
Boycie “No way. Make it a monkey and I might think about it!”
Del “Do what? £500? You only bought ‘em last night!”
Boycie “That is the deal Del, take it or leave it. You are obviously desperate to have them back so you will pay £500”
(Del glares at Boycie)
Del “You’re supposed to be a mate! You can’t take 500 off me?”
Boycie “Yes I can. See you, Del boy!”
(Boycie points to the door)
Del “Alright…. Alright.” (Glares)
(Hands the cheque to Boycie, reaches into jacket for wallet, pulls out £500 in notes, hands them to Boycie, shaking head. Boycie goes to display cabinet,
unlocks it then hands tin box to Del)
Boycie “Nice doing business, Del” (laughs)
Del “Git!”
(Leaves the house)
–

Scene 7: 3-wheel van heading to coin collection owners address

(Rodney driving. Del in passenger seat)

Del “Slow down, Rodders. We’re nearly there”
Rodney “You sure we’re in the right road, Del?”
Del (looking at piece of paper) “Yes. Number 222 we are very nearly there. Yeah.
Stop. This is it. Lovely jubbly!” (Happy)
(Van screeches to stop outside posh looking house)
Del “Time to collect the cash” (sings song) “We’re in the money!”
(Smiles. Gets out of van with box of coins in his arms, goes to the front door and rings bell)
(Rodney winds down van window to hear the conversation better)
(Front door opens)
Owner “Hello can I help you?”
Del “Yes…. I saw this article in the paper. I’ve found your coin collection for you. I understand there might be a reward?”
Owner “Oh! You found them?” (very pleased expression) “I am so relieved to get them back. Thank you so much. Yes I said I would pay the reward and I will honour it. Do you have the collection?”
Del “Yes, here we are” (hands over the box)
(The owner immediately looks disappointed and then looks inside)
Owner “Oh dear.”
Del “What?” (worried look)
Owner “Oh dear”
Del “What is it?” (more worried)
Owner “These are not my coins. This is not my collection, sorry.”
Del “But they must be. You said you lost them and here they are”
Owner “No. My collection were all from the eighteenth-century; these are all from the 19th Sorry. Thank you for bringing them to show me, but they don’t belong to me”
(Dell stunned)
Del “I don’t know what to say”
Owner “Before you go, maybe you would like a cup of tea?”
Del “No.. no, thanks for the offer. Erm….I couldn’t borrow your telephone though could I?”
Owner “Certainly. Come in”
(Del wipes feet, walks inside to the phone in the hallway and rings Boycie)
Del “Hello Boycie… it’s Del. D’you know those coins?.….Yes those ones….you
wouldn’t like to buy them back would you?” (listens) “What do you mean no? You wanted them yesterday. You can have them for less than I paid you yesterday.
Listen, go on boycie, you know it makes sense” (looks dejected) “Oh, ok… see you, Boycie”
(Del puts down the receiver)
Del “Thanks for the use of your phone”
Owner “No problem at all. Thank you again for showing me what you found”
(Del smiles, faintly, and leaves through front door which closes softly behind him)
Del (to himself) “Rodney….it was Rodney who saw that article in the paper! What a plonker! I’m going to kill him!”
(Del walks to roadside. The van has disappeared. Del looks up and down the road
but no sign of Rodney)
Del (shouts) “Rodney! Come back here, you dipstick!”
END CREDITS ROLL

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