Continuing from yesterdays scene 5, we now pick up Scene 6 – The Final Scene
Simon Nash presents an Only Fools and Horses Script …
Red Red Wine Part 6 – Set just days after 1991 Miami Twice
Scene 6
Dels flat on Sunday Lunchtime
Rodney: What do you mean they’re not face wipes? (Smirking)
Del: (Annoyed) I thought a wipe was a wipe! I didn’t realise they had wipes for all different sorts of uses did I.
Rodney: So what are they for then?
Del: Well it turns out having opened a box this morning that they’re womens scented incontinence wipes!
Rodney: (Bursts into laughter)
Del: This is not funny Rodney! I’d sold over half of these already!!
Rodney: Well I can take a box home for Cass if you like, Del
Del: Why? She hasn’t got a problem holding it in has she?
Rodney: No, but when I tell her about this she’s bound to wet herself laughing!
Del: Very funny. Well how am I gonna get rid of this lot now eh? All our money’s tied up in it. There’s more chance of Trigger getting into Mensa than there is of me selling this bleeding lot quickly.
Albert: Why not go round all the old folks homes in the area and see if they want some?
Del: Hey, that’s a good idea unc! You can take em round for me, put you best suit on you never know you might pull!
Rodney: And you’d better wear some strong aftershave to take away the smell of urine. Or better still use a bottle of that reisling we’ve got left!
Del: I’m in no mood for jokes Rodney! I dunno, ever since I’ve got back from Miami I’ve been more stressed than before I went. Come to think of it, it wasn’t exactly relaxing there either was it!!
Albert: But you’ve sorted that wine problem out ain’t ya.
Del: I bloody hope so Albert.
Rodney: Look Del, stop worrying right. The vicars happy with the wine he tasted, fair enough it wasn’t the same wine. It looks just like red wine, and Denzils delivered it up and down the country without a hitch.
Del: Yeah, I suppose so. I don’t suppose there’s much can go wrong now. At least I can plug the phone back in now! (plugs the phone in)
Albert: (sitting watching the news) ‘Ere Del boy, come and ‘ave a look at this….
Del: Eh? What’s up?
(Del, Rodney and Albert all stare at the TV the news is on)
News reporter: The church of England is in trouble today after the communion wine it supplied has stained the faces of congregation members up and down the country. The wine which is labelled as Romanian reisling or ‘white’ wine is thought to have been mixed with food colouring to make it appear to be red to represent the blood of Christ. The food colouring has been traced back to the main manufacturing site at Silver spoon in Birmingham. The particular batch used had been removed from sale as it was thought to contain red pigment that can leave a permanent mark on the skin if not removed quickly.
Del: ( says slowly) I don’t believe it. I just don’t believe it. Defense de fumer’!
Rodney: Oh that is just cosmic Del, just bloody cosmic!!
Del: Well how was I to know it would do that eh? Food colouring’s supposed be drinkable innit eh!
Rodney: That’s why it didn’t cost anything weren’t it? It wasn’t knocked of it was bloody unsaleable!
Del: you’ve got to believe me Rodders, I didn’t know that. Denzils brother just said he could get hold of em for nothing that’s all! I mean I’m not a mind reader am I ?!
Albert: ‘ere ‘ang on a minute! If that stuffs supposed to be permanent, then how the hell do I get it off of my hands!! Look!!
Del: Your hands? YOUR HANDS! I’ve just found out that half the country are walking about like they’ve caught foot and mouth disease and you’re worried about your bleeding forks!
(the phone starts to ring. And they all look at each other in stunned silence)
Del: Go on Rodney you can answer that.
Rodney: On your bike Derek!!
(Del looks over at Albert)
Albert: And don’t look at me son, I’ve got all this stuff on my hands to try and get off!
Del: Oh gawd almighty… Do it yourself Del… (picks up the phone) Hello Trotters independent Traders PLC. Oh ‘allo Vic! How are you? Yes, I’ve just seen it on the news myself yeah. I know it does make a bit of a mark doesn’t it eh! Yeah…
( Del watches Albert in the background try and rub the red stain off his hands with one of Dels incontinent wipes and it starts to come off.)
Listen Vic. Tell the old bishop not to worry, because it is a particular problem with this kind of wine, yeah. Tell him he’s in luck, because for just £1.50 a packet, I’ve got 250 boxes of specially designed face wipes on their way to every church in the country … yeah… well you know it makes sense don’t ya… bonjour!
(Del puts the phone down and unplugs it again)
Del: You two bring these boxes downstairs and I’m just off to find Denzil… (rubs his hands together) Lovely jubby. (Del walks out of the room while Rodney and Albert both look at each other in disbelief)
The End
Good script
Simon, a very tidy and fairly sharp piece, but I think maybe your two ‘hooks’ (the permanent winestains and the ‘wipes’) need to be stronger. ‘Scented incontinence wipes’ do not exist, as you can’t ‘wipe’ incontinence. Faulty food colouring, similarly, is a real stretch of the imagination, but just about makes it. However, one can’t really believe that someone, Rodney at the very least, would question these conceits. I’m not trying to be picky; as I say, these are ‘hooks’, which the whole thing hangs on, and the story grows out of, and around. These have to be spot on, and should be where you start from. You’ll find they’re the bulk of the “work” that needs to be done in this kind of writing. When you get them right, you’ll be amazed at how the rest of it seems to ‘write itself’, as you find yourself very easily compounding one set of unlikely circumstances with another, even less likely and yet more funny one.
Keep going, brother. Keep going. You can write, so write. We need writers.
Respect. G
Great effort Simon. I imagined the characters saying it. I loved the ending too. Please keep writing:)
Thanks very much for the feedback Bill! I’ve got a few ideas. Just need to find the time now!
Rodney: It’s what writers call the gestation period.
Albert: Yah? and what do you call it?!
Wonderful stuff.
I really enjoyed this Simon, it felt like i was reading an actual script for the show, i could picture every scene as i was reading it, excellent story and it had some funny Jokes as well,
I hope you make another one in the future, this was great :)
Bonjour.
Cheers comedy remixed!
I love all the scripts on here. I think it’s great that we all get to share in our efforts. lets keep em coming!!
Who knows maybe one day they might call us all up and get us together come up with a new series!?! maybe not…
all the best
Simon
Good storyline and some quality jokes. Well done.
Thanks Kiel,
Really appreciate the feedback. I’m hoping to write another one soon. this one all came about when I was in church watching the communion being handed round and giggled to myself when I imagined Del boy taking the glass and just downing the whole lot coz he didn’t know what he was doing. And turning to the vicar as he handed it back saying ‘Cheers Vic, that’s a lovely drop of wine that’ while the rest of the congregation give him a funny look. But I didnt use it!! that’s the difference between us amateurs and the great John Sullivan. He’d have made it fit!!
All the best mate
Simon
I enjoyed it, Simon. You managed to make the storyline believable, and nailed each charachter.
My feedback going forward (if you fancied writing more scripts) would be as follows;
. Make it longer! Quality is always over quantity, but as this was part of a trilogy, more dialogue was needed and usually, sitcoms have a sub-plot of some kind going on, so the viewer has more than just one plot to follow and keeps them even more engaged with the viewing.
.Include some more of the outside characters. Fools fan have an affection for Mickey and Jevon, and even Cassandra’s Dad. Would love to have seen these characters feature more.
.Although the storyline was funny, other than the wine connection, the plot didn’t match the first two episodes. I know that a trilogy doesn’t have to relate to eachother. Just like Heroes and Villians/ Modern Men / Time on our Hands didn’t, but I got the impression that as the first 2 episodes were related, that naturally this one would be.
A decent and funny script. Do some more!
Hi fellow Fools fans!
Just want to say a big thankyou to Zane for giving people the chance to share their scripts, knowledge and love for this brilliant show.
Hope you all enjoyed this script as much as I enjoyed writing it!
Lovely Jubbly!
Simon