ONLY FOOLS AND HORSES
(A Script by Pete Rigby)
Synopsis: It’s 1986. Pre-Raquel and pre-Cassandra. Del now has a legitimate stall in the market selling all goods for £1. It’s called ‘In For a Penny’. Rodney, Denzil and Trigger (on leave from the council) also work on the stall but it doesn’t make much money so they are forced to take on other work, as usual!
“They think it’s all Over part 1”
Scene 1
EXT. BOYCIE’S CAR SHOWROOM. EVENING
Del pulls into the forecourt of Boycie’s Car Showroom. The van is back-firing, as usual. Boycie approaches Del. Del gets out of the van.
DEL: Alright Boycie?
BOYCIE: I will be tomorrow Del-Boy when Marlene and I will be lying on a sun lounger in Cuba. While you’re drinking Mike’s watered-down lager I will be sipping Pina Colada’s at a beach-bar. Anyway, what can I do for you?
DEL: It’s the van.
BOYCIE: What? Do you want me to scrap it for you Del?
DEL: You cheeky git. No Boycie, I want you to get one of your boys to take a look at it for me.
BOYCIE: They’re mechanics Del, not magicians.
DEL: I just want it a bit road-worthy.
BOYCIE: Okay Del, I’m not promising anything, they can’t produce miracles.
DEL: Cheers Boycie.
BOYCIE: I’ll have it ready for you when I get back from my holiday in 2 weeks.
DEL: 2 weeks!!
BOYCIE: That’s right. So what are you gonna use for a van in the meantime Del?
Del looks over at a white van parked in Boycie’s forecourt.
DEL: I was thinking of that.
Del points at the van.
BOYCIE: Nice choice Del. BMW. 12 careful owners. It’s only been round the clock once and it’s only been in 2 accidents. I’ll let you have it for 10 grand.
DEL: I don’t wanna buy it, I wanna borrow it.
BOYCIE: You mean rent it?
DEL: That’s right. I wanna rent it…………for free.
BOYCIE: Oh no Del-Boy. I couldn’t possibly.
DEL: Look, you’re going away for 2 weeks. Now I know you. You won’t let anyone run your little empire while you’re away. So this place will be shut down for 2 weeks. If you let me borrow it, I’ll make sure it’s kept safe. What do you think, eh? Everyone’s a winner.
BOYCIE: Okay Del. If you don’t bring it back in one piece, you owe me 10 grand, okay?
DEL: Scouts honour.
BOYCIE: And a full tank of petrol.
DEL: Of course. What do you take me for?
BOYCIE: I’ll get you the keys.
Del rubs his hands.
Scene 2
EXT. STREET. NIGHT
Del is driving home. He passes the local warehouse and notices the back door is open. He pulls over and investigates. He pops his head in the opened door to find 4 security guards tied up. They don’t see Del. Del panics and heads back to the van. On the floor, outside the warehouse, he spots a box. He quickly picks it up and throws it into the back of the van and drives off.
Scene 3
EXT. STALL. MORNING.
Del, Denzil and Trigger are stood behind the stall in the market. A man approaches. He places a saucepan on the stall and a one pence piece.
DEL: What’s that for?
CUSTOMER: The saucepan.
DEL: It costs a pound.
CUSTOMER: But your stall’s called ‘In for a Penny’.
DEL: So?
CUSTOMER: Well, I thought everything was 1p.
DEL: It’s a phrase, ain’t it?
CUSTOMER: What is?
DEL: In for a Penny – In For a Pound.
CUSTOMER: I’ve never heard of it.
Del comes out from behind the stall and picks up a bottle.
DEL: What does that say?
CUSTOMER: Thousand Island dressing.
DEL: Right. It doesn’t mean it costs a grand, does it?
Del picks up a book.
DEL: And what’s this book called?
CUSTOMER: Monkey World.
DEL: Exactly. Monkey World. That doesn’t mean is costs 500 quid, does it?
CUSTOMER: What have you got for 50p?
DEL: How about a fat lip?
CUSTOMER: Sorry?
DEL: You will be.
The customer picks up a box containing kitchen knives.
CUSTOMER: There are 2 knives in this box. Can’t I have one for 50p?
DEL: No you can’t.
CUSTOMER: But I’ve only got 50p.
DEL: Well, come back when you’ve got another one.
CUSTOMER: What about these light-bulbs? There are 3 in the packet. Can I have one for 50p?
DEL: No.
Del is getting annoyed.
CUSTOMER: But that’s a good deal. They are only worth 33 pence each and I’m offering you 50p.
DEL: How about this for a deal? You take the knives and the light-bulbs for free and you sod off and never darken my doorstep again?
CUSTOMER: Deal.
The customer goes to leave.
DEL: Goodbye.
CUSTOMER: See you next week.
Del shakes his head. A young Chinese man approaches the stall.
CHINESE MAN: DVD?
DEL: On yer bike!
The young Chinese man walks away. Rodney appears from nowhere.
RODNEY: Who was that Del?
DEL: Bruce Lee.
RODNEY: I hope you told him where to go?
DEL: Yeah, course. Don’t worry Rodders, he won’t be coming back.
RODNEY: Good. I don’t want any knocked off gear on here Del. We’re completely legit ok?
DEL: Of course!
RODNEY: Talking about Bruce Lee. Did you see ‘Enter the Dragon’ last night? He must be my
favourite actor.
Rodney karate chops the stall almost breaking his arm.
RODNEY: Arr-sow. Ouch!
DEL: Nah, Robert De Niro. The Deer Hunter.
DENZIL: Nah, Denzil Washington.
Del pretends he’s holding a sniper rifle stalking deer in the forest. Denzil puts on a pair of dark sunglasses.
RODNEY: What about you Trig?
TRIGGER: What?
RODNEY: Who’s your favourite actor?
TRIGGER: Ken Barlow.
RODNEY: Ken Barlow! What, the geezer out of Coronation Street?
DEL: Of all the actors in the world, you pick Ken Barlow?
TRIGGER: That’s right Del, he’s been in Corrie for 50 years and he still manages to sing in Take That.
DENZIL: Trigger. The guy in Take That is 30 years younger.
TRIGGER: That just shows what a good actor he is.
RODNEY: What Denzil’s trying to say Trig, is they are 2 different people.
TRIGGER: How do you know, have you ever seen them together?
RODNEY: His name’s Gary.
TRIGGER: That’s just his stage-name. His real name’s Ken. And he’s my favourite actor.
Del, Rodney and Denzil look at each other in disbelief.
DEL: I suppose you’re gonna tell us that Drew Barrymore and Michael Barrymore are one and the same person?
TRIGGER: Don’t be silly, everyone knows he’s her dad.
Del and Rodney shake their heads.
TRIGGER: Very beautiful.
DENZIL: Who? (sarcastically) Michael Barrymore?
TRIGGER: No. His daughter, Drew Barrymore. I particularly liked her in that film ‘Music and Lyrics’ with Hugh Grant.
RODNEY: (sarcastically) Who? Eddy’s brother?
TRIGGER: That’s right. They have a famous father too.
DEL: Who? Cary Grant?
TRIGGER: No. Russell.
Rodney and Del’s laughter turns to shock at Trigger’s reply.
TRIGGER: She’s my ideal woman, she is.
DEL: What chance have you got with her? The only time you’ve ever picked up a bird was when you went to collect a chicken burger from KFC.
Rodney and Denzil laugh.
DEL: Anyway, talking of birds. I’ve got to meet a supplier in the Nags Head in a bit. I’m just gonna pop to the flat for a bath. I’ll see you later.
RODNEY: And clean it out afterwards.
DEL: Oi, you could eat your dinner out of our bath.
RODNEY: Yeh, it looks like someone already has.
Del leaves.
Excellent! but BMW dont make vans?
Cheers! Good point Paul, ok we need to change BMW to Mercedez-Benz!
Pete
1986 and you have a man selling DVDs
Ah, another good point! We need to change the word DVD to ‘video’. My attention to detail is poor sometimes.
Cheers Kevin
Pete
Cheers Scott, I hope it lives up to your expectations!!
Regards
Pete
Great Script so far
can’t wait to see how this pans out
its like getting only fools and horses live every day
Well done Pete
can’t wait for next part
A truly excellent script already!!!
Have you thought of sending it to the BBC, Pete?
Triffic!
Cheers Mike,
Yes, this was originally an original script called ‘In For a Penny’ about 4 guys who worked in a pound shop. It was very closely linked to the OFAH characters. I got through the first few hurdles with the BBC then they turned me down. That’s when I adapted it to fit an OFAH script.
Thanks for your encouragement and kind comments.
Pete
Your very welcome!!! :)
Anything for a great comedy script writer!