ONLY FOOLS AND HORSES

(A Script by Pete Rigby) Part 1 |  2 | 3

“They think it’s all Over”

Scene 11
EXT. STALL. AFTERNOON

Trigger, Rodney and Denzil are sat behind the stall drinking tea from plastic cups.

DENZIL: So, what did Del say again?

RODNEY: I told ya. As you know, the stall hasn’t been doing too well lately so he called this morning to say we might have to change our roles.

TRIGGER: Well, if it helps, I don’t mind having cheese and pickle in future.

RODNEY: Not those kinds of rolls Trig. Roles! As in ‘duties’.

DENZIL: What kind of duties?

RODNEY: Well I don’t know, do I? I’m the last person that gets told anything round here. He should be here soon. He’ll explain everything then.

Scene 12
INT. NAG’S HEAD. AFTERNOON

Del, Rodney, Denzil and Trigger are sat around a table drinking.

DENZIL: Security guards?

DEL: That’s right. Security guards.

TRIGGER: But we’ve got alarms fitted in your garage.

DEL: I’m not talking about the garage.

RODNEY: Yeh, who’d wanna nick any of our stock!

TRIGGER: Well, where would we be working then?

DEL: You know that big warehouse on the Lower Road? There

RODNEY: No way! That’s the one that got robbed last night.

DEL: How do you know about that?

RODNEY: Everyone’s talking about it.

TRIGGER: I’ve done a bit of security work before actually. I helped out an old mate once. I was on the door at Stringfellow’s.

DEL: What were you? The hinge?

DENZIL: I’ve done a bit of cage fighting.

DEL: Yeh, he got knocked out by a budgie.

Rodney laughs.

DEL: Look, it’ll be money for old rope. No-one’s gonna rob it again are they? I mean, lightening never strikes twice. Everyone will be expecting the warehouse to ‘up’ its security after yesterday’s raid. And anyway, the old bill will be cruising the manor. No sensible villain would go anywhere near that place for a long time.

RODNEY: I don’t know Del.

DEL: Look, it’s 200 quid, cash in hand.

RODNEY: 200 quid?

DEL: Each.

DENZIL: I’m in.

DEL: Good boy Denzil. See, he knows a good deal when he sees one.

TRIGGER: Do I get to wear a uniform?

DEL: Yeh, of course. You’ll have all that.

TRIGGER: Ok, I’ll do it.

DEL: Good. You won’t regret it. So, are you in Rodders?

RODNEY: I don’t know. It smells a bit iffy to me.

DEL: Look, 200 quid, how can you turn your nose up at that? That’s more than you earn a week from the stall. And you’ll still get your wages too. And I’ll let you all have an extra day’s holiday. I can’t be fairer than that, can I?

RODNEY: Ok, I’ll do it. When is it?

DEL: Tonight.

EVERYONE: TONIGHT?

DEL: Yeh. Tonight.

DENZIL: But we’ve been at work all day. I’ve been up since 6.

DEL: Look, there’s 4 of us.

RODNEY: So?

DEL: Well, we don’t need 4 of us to monitor the screens do we? So we can take it in turns to get our head down and have a kip. You’ll be paid 200 quid to sleep. Best job in the world.

RODNEY: Ok.

DEL: Right, we’ll close up the stall at 5 and meet back here at 6.30. That’ll give us half hour to get up there. Denzil, you’re driving.

DENZIL: Why me?

DEL: Cos the van’s off the road. Don’t argue. Now I’m popping out for a bit. I’ll see you all later. And Trigger?

TRIGGER: Yes Del?

DEL: Give them bloody shoes a polish.

Del leaves the pub. Trigger looks at his shoes. They are rotten.

Scene 13
INT: DENZIL’S VAN. STREET. EVENING

Denzil is driving his van along the High Street. Del is in the passenger seat. Rodney and Trigger are sat in the back. Denzil pulls over onto the kerb.

DEL: What are you doing?

DENZIL: I’m not sitting in a bloody porta-cabin for 12 hours without anything to eat. I’m gonna get some food.

DEL: Well hurry up. And get me a quarter pounder.

Denzil gets out the car and enters the kebab shop.

DEL: With cheese!

Denzil returns to the car with 4 bags worth of pre-ordered food. He plonks them on Del’s lap.

DEL: What’s all this?

DENZIL: My dinner.

Del shakes his head.

SCENE 14
INT. PORTA-CABIN. EVENING

Del, Rodney, Trigger and Denzil are stood in the Porta-cabin in the yard of the warehouse. They are wearing security guard uniforms. 2 Alsatians are barking outside.

RODNEY: Dogs! You never said anything about any dogs.

DEL: Well, what did you expect? Hamsters?

RODNEY: No.

DEL: They’re guard dogs Rodney. They’re on our side.

RODNEY: But they don’t know us. We could be anyone.

DEL: Of course they know us.

RODNEY: How?

DEL: We’ve got our uniforms on.

RODNEY: Well, why are they barking and growling at us?

DEL: That’s what dogs do.

RODNEY: What if they attack us?

DEL: They won’t attack you. Anyway, Bobby told me what to do should things turn nasty.

RODNEY: Yeh? What?

DEL: Well, if the dogs start barking at you. Take one step forward and blow your whistle once.

RODNEY: Once?

DEL: Yeh. Once.

TRIGGER: What if the dogs take one step forward?

DEL: Well, you take one step back and blow your whistle twice.

TRIGGER: Twice?

DEL: Yeh. Twice.

RODNEY: What if the dogs take 2 steps forward?

DEL: Well, you take 2 steps back, ‘til you’re right up against the side of the fence. Then you stoop down and pick up a handful of poop and throw it in their face.

RODNEY: What if there ain’t no poop?

DEL: Don’t worry. There will be.

Scene 15
INT. PORTA-CABIN. NIGHT

Del, Rodney and Trigger are watching TV. Denzil is asleep on an old tattered sofa.

DEL: Right, who’s gonna do the patrol?

RODNEY: What patrol?

DEL: Didn’t I mention it?

RODNEY: No, you bloody didn’t.

DEL: Oh, it must have slipped my mind.

RODNEY: How convenient.

TRIGGER: What have we gotta do Del?

DEL: Well, there are 2 side gates. One over there and one on the other side. All we have to do is check that they are securely shut, then give them a swipe with this card. How easy is that?

RODNEY: You’re forgetting something Del.

DEL: What?

RODNEY: There are 2 wild wolves out there that haven’t been fed and they’ve got the right hump.

DEL: I’ll tell you what we’ll do.

TRIGGER: What?

DEL: See this tennis ball?

TRIGGER: Yeh.

DEL: Well, I’ll throw it over one side of the yard and while the dogs are chasing it, one of you two can quickly run over to the gate and swipe it. Then you run back here and we can then do the same on the other side.

RODNEY: Why do WE have to do the swipe? Why can’t YOU do it?

DEL: Cos I’m throwing the ball.

TRIGGER: Why don’t we get Denzil to do it?

DEL: Cos he’s asleep. Anyway, we need someone who’s quick and nimble. He’ll never get there and back in time. He’s just had 5 cheeseburgers. They’ll eat him alive.

RODNEY: Yeh? I’d like to see that.

DEL: Well, it ain’t gonna happen. Right, which one of you two is gonna go first?

TRIGGER: Go on then, I’ll go first.

DEL: Good boy Trig. Right, when I shout ‘NOW’, I’ll throw the ball and you run straight to that gate and swipe it. Then run straight back as fast as you can.

TRIGGER: Ok.

More in part 5 tomorrow