{"id":3970,"date":"2012-05-09T11:41:40","date_gmt":"2012-05-09T10:41:40","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.ofah.net\/blog\/?p=3970"},"modified":"2012-05-09T11:41:40","modified_gmt":"2012-05-09T10:41:40","slug":"only-fools-and-horses-script","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.ofah.net\/blog\/only-fools-and-horses-script\/","title":{"rendered":"Only Fools and Horses Script"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Only Fools and Horses Script : Brotherhood<\/strong>
\nBy Matthew Bate<\/em><\/p>\n

Scene 1 – Peckham High Street<\/strong><\/p>\n

It is raining, a delivery van is speeding down the street, and a status quo song is playing inside the van.<\/p>\n

Scene 2 – Denzil’s Van<\/strong><\/p>\n

Denzil – (singing) – Down, down, deeper and down. Down, down, deeper and down.<\/p>\n

Scene 3 – Nags Head Car Park, Afternoon<\/strong><\/p>\n

Denzil’s van parks up outside, the music stops, and Denzil exits his van and enters the pub, leaving a disabled sticker on his van.<\/p>\n

Scene 4 – Nags Head, Bar, Afternoon<\/strong><\/p>\n

Sid is cleaning a glass, he secretly spits into one of the glasses. A younge couple just entered the pub, look on in disgrace.
\nSid – What? Like I’m the only one who spits.<\/p>\n

As the couple departs, Denzil enters.<\/p>\n

Denzil – Alright Sid
\nSid – what’ll It be Denzil?
\nDenzil – Well, I want a pint of larger, But In here, I’ll settle for a pint of spit juice.
\nSid \u2013 cheeky\u2026.
\nDenzil – Any of the boys been in.
\nSid – There was trig, obviously, but he’s left.
\nDenzil – Gone to feed the ducks has he.
\nSid – Yeah, he’s taken some of the sandwiches from the kitchen.
\nDenzil – He’ll get done for poisoning the fish, How olds that tuna?
\nSid – About a month.
\nDenzil – I had some of that yesterday.
\nSid – Then you\u2019re a dozy bugger.
\nDenzil – When’s Mike’s hearing, get some decent grub back into this place, I liked you better in the cafe.
\nSid – The council have demolished the cafe, environmental health are tired of closing it down.
\nDenzil – With you off the food register, a lot of hospital beds will be free.
\nSid – Oh, a lad was in here earlier, said he was an old mate of yours.
\nDenzil – A lad, are we talking Jimmy Nail lookalike or a David Tennant.
\nSid – neither, he was a younger lad; you’ve not got a kid have you.
\nDenzil – No, Corinne was never a maternal women, she was like Pat Phoenix, a goby cow.
\nSid – Maybe you’ve fathered a kid you never knew, you know, like on one of them long lost family programs.
\nDenzil – doubt it’s a kid, if it is, tell him I\u2019ve gone to live in Germany.
\nDel and Rodney enter.
\nRodney – I didn’t mean to start a fight, it’s that old lady’s fault, she kept staring at me.
\nDel – She had a lazy eye you dozy little twonk, give me a Dutch duchess cocktail, and half of larger for roddy here.
\nDenzil – Trouble in paradise Del.
\nRodney – (laughs) – Huh, Paradise.
\nDel – Big fight broke out in the market, coppers V traders.
\nDenzil – Not again, what’s it over this time.
\nRodney – Monkey Merton has been selling urns.
\nSid – And they put him away for that, how bad are they?
\nRodney – No, he was using the urns to hide drugs, honestly, drug dealing in the market; can people get any more stupid?
\nDenzil – Lot of people do that don’t they, Ice scream vans, pubs, strip clubs.
\nSid \u2013 Do you fancy some grub Del.
\nDel – I’m not paying for food here, not when there’s a tenko down the road.
\nDenzil – Right, I’ll see you lot later, footballs on, Man United V Everton.
\nDel – TTFN Denzil.
\nRodney \u2013 Bye.
\nDenzil – See you around lads.<\/p>\n

\"Only<\/p>\n

Scene 5 – Mulberry Estate, Night<\/strong><\/p>\n

Nige, with a rucksack over his back, is walking towards Denzil’s flat.<\/p>\n

Nige – What a chuffing toilet?<\/p>\n

Scene 6 – Denzil’s Flat, Living room, Night.<\/strong><\/p>\n

A cheerful Denzil enters, carrying a four-pack of larger and a box of crisps. He switches the TV on and throws himself into the armchair.<\/p>\n

Denzil – This is the life.<\/p>\n

There’s a knock at the door.<\/p>\n

Denzil – This isn’t the life.<\/p>\n

Nige continues to knock on the front door window, until the bottom half of the window breaks, causing Denzil to jump out of his seat. Nige enters.<\/p>\n

Denzil – What the bloody hell?
\nNige – Alright bruv.
\nDenzil – Oh no, please no.
\nNige – Or hello as some people say. Oh great, just in time for the football, and look, beer and crisp on tap, what a warm welcome.<\/p>\n

Nige sits in Denzil’s chair and begins drinking the beer.<\/p>

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