{"id":3984,"date":"2012-05-14T14:59:41","date_gmt":"2012-05-14T13:59:41","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.ofah.net\/blog\/?p=3984"},"modified":"2012-05-14T14:59:41","modified_gmt":"2012-05-14T13:59:41","slug":"only-fools-fan-script","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.ofah.net\/blog\/only-fools-fan-script\/","title":{"rendered":"Only Fools Fan Script – For The Record"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Episode Name : For The Record<\/p>\n

SCENE 1 – INT: FLAT – EVENING<\/strong><\/p>\n

THE BROTHERS ENTER. DEL IS CARRYING A BOX WHICH HE DUMPS ON THE TABLE WITH A THUMP. GRANDAD IS SITTING WATCHING THE TELEVISION<\/p>\n

DEL: Alright grandad?<\/p>\n

GRANDAD: Yeah I\u2019m alright Del, you had a good day?<\/p>\n

DEL: Not bad grandfather, not bad<\/p>\n

GRANDAD: You get rid of those Cliff Richard LP\u2019s?<\/p>\n

DEL: I certainly did<\/p>\n

GRANDAD: I knew people round here had no taste but I didn\u2019t know it were that bad. Your old mum was right about you Delboy, she always said you could sell sand to the Arabs<\/p>\n

RODNEY: Oh he didn\u2019t sell \u2018em<\/p>\n

GRANDAD: He said he got rid of \u2018em<\/p>\n

\"Only<\/p>\n

RODNEY: He did. He flung \u2018em in Trigger\u2019s dust cart<\/p>\n

GRANDAD: So you didn\u2019t sell any of them? Told ya, you owe me a tenner<\/p>\n

DEL: Au contraire, au contraire, I did sell some. Well, one.<\/p>\n

GRANDAD: One? You can\u2019t claim on the bet for selling one.<\/p>\n

DEL: Course I can, you bet me ten quid I wouldn\u2019t sell one of those records, I bet you ten that I could. Now get your money out. (TO RODNEY) Look at his face, mardy old git. Last time he opened that wallet the Queen had to put sunglasses<\/p>\n

JUST AS GRANDAD IS ABOUT TO HAND IT OVER HE PULLS IT BACK LEAVING DEL GRASPING AT THIN AIR<\/p>\n

GRANDAD: How do I know you\u2019re telling the truth?<\/p>\n

DEL: That\u2019s charming, eh? Ask Rodney if you don\u2019t believe me<\/p>\n

RODNEY: It\u2019s true grandad, as he was chucking them into Trigger\u2019s cart someone bought one<\/p>\n

GRANDAD: Who?<\/p>\n

DEL: Trigger<\/p>\n

GRANDAD REACTS AND DEL SNATCHES THE MONEY AWAY. RODNEY SITS DOWN IN THE CHAIR BESIDE GRANDAD AS DEL HEADS TO THE KITCHEN LAUGHING<\/p>\n

GRANDAD: If he had to chuck away those records why is he in such a good mood?<\/p>\n

RODNEY: He\u2019s made the deal of the century ain\u2019t he<\/p>\n

GRANDAD: Oh gawd, again?<\/p>\n

DEL ENTERS WITH THREE BEERS<\/p>\n

DEL: Yes, again. Here you are, get your laughing gear around these.<\/p>\n

DEL PASSES OUT THE BEERS<\/p>\n

DEL: As we were sitting in the Nags Head drowning our sorrows at having to dump all those LP\u2019s, we bumped into Monkey Harris. I was telling him about the bad luck I\u2019d had with the Cliff Richard records and he was upset cos he sold them to me. You know, you don\u2019t like to feel like you\u2019ve conned a mate, do ya?<\/p>\n

GRANDAD: That reminds me, Denzil phoned, something about owing him twenty pounds for repairs<\/p>\n

DEL: Eh, what is that dipstick on about?<\/p>\n

GRANDAD: He said that you sold him a faulty radio, you told him you\u2019d get it fixed for him. He couldn\u2019t wait no longer so he took it to Dixons and got them to fix it, so you owe him for the repairs<\/p>\n

DEL: Well it\u2019s out of my hands now isn\u2019t it<\/p>\n

RODNEY: How?!<\/p>\n

DEL: Well, by taking it and letting those wallys mess around with it any contract that existed between me and him is null and void<\/p>\n

RODNEY: In other words he can go and whistle for the money<\/p>\n

DEL: I don\u2019t make the rules Rodney. As the French would say, it is now \u2018petit pois\u2019, his problem. Anyway, where was I?<\/p>\n

RODNEY: You don\u2019t like to feel like you\u2019ve conned a mate<\/p>\n

DEL: Oh, yeah, so, Monkey gave me a belting deal on these<\/p>\n

HE PULLS A WINGS RECORD FROM THE BOX. THE RECORD HAS A SCRIBBLE ACROSS THE FRONT OF IT<\/p>\n

DEL: Eh, eh, what do you think of that?<\/p>\n

GRANDAD: What is it?<\/p>\n

DEL: What is it? It\u2019s part of a 32 piece dinner service. What the bloody hell do you think it is?<\/p>\n

GRANDAD: Don\u2019t you get sarky with me Del. I know it\u2019s a record, I want to know what kind of record it is<\/p>\n

DEL: Alright, I apologise. This is a Wings record, but it\u2019s not just any Wings record is it Rodney?<\/p>\n

RODNEY: No, it\u2019s a terrible Wings record<\/p>\n

DEL: I\u2019ll clock you one in a minute Rodney. Now this is not just any Wings record, this is hand signed by none other than John Lennon<\/p>\n

GRANDAD: You\u2019re kidding<\/p>\n

DEL: No, straight up<\/p>\n

GRANDAD: John Lennon eh<\/p>\n

GRANDAD TAKES THE RECORD AND LOOKS AT IT<\/p>\n

GRANDAD: Who\u2019s John Lennon?<\/p>\n

DEL: I don\u2019t believe him, I just don\u2019t believe him<\/p>\n

RODNEY: You know these aren\u2019t genuine signatures<\/p>\n

DEL: Of course they are. Why, do you think they\u2019re not pukka?<\/p>\n

RODNEY: No!<\/p>\n

DEL: Well go on Doctor Holmes, present your proof<\/p>\n

RODNEY: Well I\u2019ve got three pieces of evidence. Firstly John Lennon wasn\u2019t in Wings<\/p>\n

DEL: Well you know old John, he\u2019d have signed anything for a fan. Plus, Paul McCartney was in Wings and him and John were in The Beatles together so that\u2019s as good as McCartney\u2019s signature on there<\/p>\n

RODNEY: All right. Two, they cost you 15 pence each<\/p>\n

DEL: Well what do you expect, they\u2019re signed by someone who wasn\u2019t in the bleedin\u2019 band!<\/p>\n

RODNEY: And this is the case winner. Three, when I was putting them into the boxes at Monkey\u2019s lockup (HE HOLDS UP HIS INK COVERED HANDS) the ink on the signatures was still wer<\/p>\n

DEL SNATCHES THE RECORD OFF GRANDAD AND THEN CHUCKS IT BACK IN THE BOX<\/p>\n

DEL: I\u2019m gonna kill Monkey next time I see him<\/p>\n

GRANDAD: How can I be sure you two aren\u2019t in it together?<\/p>\n

DEL: Eh, what is that daft old berk on about?<\/p>\n

GRANDAD: That tenner, how do I know that you haven\u2019t conspired against me to win that tenner? You could have offered Rodney half the winnings to lie for you<\/p>\n

RODNEY: Oh come on now grandad, you know me, I don\u2019t go around conning pensioners out of money. I can\u2019t believe you\u2019d even think it.<\/p>\n

GRANDAD: Yeah, I\u2019m sorry Rodney. You\u2019re a good boy<\/p>\n

DEL: Well, I\u2019m going to change into my best whistle, have a splash of Brut and head to the One Eleven club for a few drinks. You fancy joining me Rodney?<\/p>\n

RODNEY: Skint ain\u2019t I?<\/p>\n

DEL: I owe you that fiver<\/p>\n

RODNEY GETS UP<\/p>\n

RODNEY: Oh yeah<\/p>\n

THEY HEAD TO THEIR ROOMS TO GET READY<\/p>\n

GRANDAD: You robbing little gits<\/p>\n

SCENE 2 – NAGS HEAD – DAY<\/strong><\/p>\n

DEL AND RODNEY ENTER AND APPROACH THE BAR. TRIGGER IS THERE. THE BARMAID IS SERVING AT THE OTHER END OF THE BAR.<\/p>\n

DEL: When you\u2019re ready love<\/p>\n

BARMAID: Hang on a minute Del, I only have one pair of hands<\/p>\n

DEL: I don\u2019t know why we drink here Rodders, really I don\u2019t<\/p>\n

RODNEY: Probably because it\u2019s the only place left round here that\u2019ll give you a slate<\/p>\n

DEL THINKS ABOUT IT AND THEN NODS<\/p>\n

TRIGGER: How\u2019s it going Del?<\/p>\n

DEL: Not bad Trig<\/p>\n

TRIGGER: All right Dave?<\/p>\n

RODNEY: Cosmic Trig, cosmic<\/p>\n

DEL: I\u2019m going over here to talk to Boycie. If she ever decides to take up barkeeping again get me a (THINKS) Malibu and Lucozade<\/p>\n

DEL WALKS OFF WHILE RODNEY STANDS AT THE BAR WAITING TO BE SERVED<\/p>\n

TRIGGER: Ain\u2019t seen you in a while<\/p>\n

RODNEY: You saw me this morning Trigger<\/p>\n

TRIGGER: Yeah, I know, but I ain\u2019t seen you in here in a while<\/p>\n

RODNEY: I was in here last night, I gave you a lift home<\/p>\n

TRIGGER: You sure it was me?<\/p>\n

RODNEY: Yes!<\/p>\n

TRIGGER: What was I wearing?<\/p>\n

RODNEY: The same as you wear every night in here, the same as you\u2019re wearing now<\/p>\n

TRIGGER THINKS ABOUT IT<\/p>\n

TRIGGER: Sounds like me<\/p>\n

BARMAID COMES TO SERVE<\/p>\n

BARMAID: Yes Rodney<\/p>\n

RODNEY: Half a lager, a Malibu and Lucozade, Trig, you want a drink?<\/p>\n

TRIGGER: No cheers Dave, I\u2019m going to get off, been good to catch up though. Don\u2019t be such a stranger<\/p>\n

TRIGGER LEAVES. RODNEY REACTS<\/p>\n

RODNEY: Make that a pint please Mike<\/p>\n

BARMAID: Denzil was in here earlier lookin\u2019 for Del. Something about owing money for repairs?<\/p>\n

RODNEY: Yeah, he phoned the flat<\/p>\n

BARMAID: So Del into DIY now?<\/p>\n

RODNEY: No. He\u2019s trying to corner the market in rare music memorabilia<\/p>\n

BARMAID: What, you mean stuff signed by Elvis and that?<\/p>\n

RODNEY: No, I mean it\u2019s rarely bought by anyone<\/p>\n

BARMAID LAUGHS, RODNEY PAYS FOR THE DRINKS AND CARRIES THEM TO TE TABLE WHERE DEL IS SITTING WITH BOYCIE. HE HANDS DEL HIS DRINK<\/p>\n

DEL: Si vous plait Rodders, park yourself down there (TAKES A SIP) Lovely jubbly<\/p>\n

BOYCIE: Hello Rodney<\/p>\n

RODNEY: Boyce<\/p>\n

BOYCIE: You not out seeing that little piece from the chemist tonight?<\/p>\n

RODNEY: No, we\u2019re not seeing each other any more<\/p>\n

BOYCIE: Oh dear, I am sorry to hear that. So did you dump her?<\/p>\n

RODNEY: Yeah, I\u2019m too young to get tied down, decided to play the field a bit<\/p>\n

BOYCIE: Good for you. I was going to say you were too good for her, I mean three mornings last week I saw her leaving young Jevon\u2019s house as I was driving to the car lot<\/p>\n

RODNEY: I bloody knew she dumped me for somebody else<\/p>\n

DEL AND BOYCIE LAUGH. RODNEY GETS UP<\/p>\n

RODNEY: Oh ha ha bloody ha. I\u2019m going to the toilet<\/p>\n

RODNEY GOES OFF<\/p>\n

DEL: How\u2019s business then Boycie?<\/p>\n

BOYCIE: I\u2019m not going to lie to you Derek, it is slow and it doesn\u2019t help that I have to spend my mornings cleaning the cars in the forecourt instead of being in the office<\/p>\n

DEL: Ain\u2019t you got someone to do that for you? What happened to that young kid you had working for you\u2026 Chris wasn\u2019t it?<\/p>\n

BOYCIE: He\u2019s still there Del, but he can\u2019t handle the work. Ever since they changed the bus routes I\u2019ve got one flying past every fifteen minutes kicking up dust and making my cars dirty. Nobody wants to buy a dirty car.<\/p>\n

DEL: Come off it, dirt is the only think holding most of your cars together<\/p>\n

BOYCIE GIVES HIM A DIRTY LOOK<\/p>\n

DEL: Well why don\u2019t you take on someone else?<\/p>

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