{"id":5151,"date":"2013-02-14T17:50:52","date_gmt":"2013-02-14T17:50:52","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.ofah.net\/blog\/?p=5151"},"modified":"2013-02-14T17:50:54","modified_gmt":"2013-02-14T17:50:54","slug":"all-you-need-is-bruv-part-4","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.ofah.net\/blog\/all-you-need-is-bruv-part-4\/","title":{"rendered":"All You Need Is Bruv part 4"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n\r\n<\/amp-auto-ads>\n<\/div>\n

All You Need Is Bruv part 4 is based on characters from\u00a0Only Fools and Horses Originally\u00a0By John Sullivan<\/p>\n

Episode year \u2013 Summer of 1992.\u00a0(part 1 here)<\/a>\u00a0(part 2 here)<\/a>\u00a0(part 3 here)<\/a><\/p>\n

\u2018All You Need Is Bruv.\u2019 part 4<\/h2>\n

SCENE 6 \u2013 LUTON AIRPORT.<\/strong><\/p>\n

(Rodney, Jevon, Mickey and his Dad are stood in the queue waiting to go through customs.)<\/p>\n

MICKEY:
\nHow long is this gonna take, eh? We been stood here for nearly an hour.<\/p>\n

Jevon:
\nI heard there was a terrorist scare.
\n(Jevon winding up the others, knowing it would frighten Rodney in particular)<\/p>\n

RODNEY:
\nTerrorist? Jevon, where did you hear that?<\/p>\n

JEVON:
\nWell, I didn\u2019t. But why do you think we\u2019ve been stood here for the last hour?<\/p>\n

RODNEY:
\nBecause!..there\u2019s about 15 dozen other stag do\u2019s in this queue and it\u2019s a Friday afternoon. Terrorists scare. Whatever next. (Worrying response from, Rodney)<\/p>\n

MICKEY:
\n\u2018Ere, I don\u2019t mind waiting a bit longer. Look at that bird over there!<\/p>\n

JEVON:
\nWhere?<\/p>\n

MICKEY:
\nOver there look, the one touching up that bloke.<\/p>\n

RODNEY:
\nShe\u2019s a security worker. She\u2019s not touching him up!<\/p>\n

JEVON:
\nI wouldn\u2019t mind the alarm going off when I walk through the sensor. I\u2019ve already pulled more birds on this trip than you three and we\u2019ve not even hit the departure lounge.<\/p>\n

MICKEY:
\nYeah, well.. I\u2019m taking the more laid back approach and considering my lady\u2019s thoughts back home. She wouldn\u2019t appreciate me pulling some bird.<\/p>\n

MICKEY SENIOR:
\nWhat do you mean? She\u2019s the one that encouraged you to go away for your stag do so she could get her hands on that stripper for her hen night! Guilt playing on her mind I think.<\/p>\n

MICKEY:
\nYeah, that\u2019s what I mean. I knew that didn\u2019t I.<\/p>\n

(Mickey clearly looking gutted and quickly changes his mind on the idea of not pulling)<\/p>\n

MICKEY:
\nYeah, I\u2019m gonna have one last field day and see how many notches I can get on me bed post.<\/p>\n

JEVON:
\nYou won\u2019t get anywhere, Mickey. Not with me around. The birds don\u2019t go for your kind. You\u2019ll have to learn from the love God that is my goodself.<\/p>\n

RODNEY:
\nWill you lot pack it in? You\u2019ll get us chucked out of here and there will be no stag do for anyone.<\/p>\n

MICKEY:
\nAlright, Rodney! We\u2019re only doing what lads do best. Looks like the security birds caught my eye. I must make sure I don\u2019t declare this penknife I have on me!<\/p>\n

RODNEY:
\nThrow that away!<\/p>\n

MICKEY:
\nIt\u2019s a penknife Rodney. It\u2019s to keep us safe from them pesky Spaniards your Uncle apparently spoke about.<\/p>\n

RODNEY:
\nAnd what good exactly do you think that pathetic thing is gonna do, eh? That thing would hardly tear bog roll. Throw it in that bin, now!<\/p>\n

(Mickey proceeds to throwing the penknife away)<\/p>\n

JEVON:
\nShe\u2019s looking my way again
\n(Referring to the hot security bird)<\/p>\n

RODNEY:
\nShe\u2019s probably warey of Mickey\u2019s toenail clipper that he calls a penknife.<\/p>\n

MICKEY:
\nI\u2019ve got a good feeling about this holiday. Already Jevon has pulled twice! First of many boys!<\/p>\n

RODNEY:
\nFirst of many? Since when have we ever managed to pull anyone on these trips? The only way you\u2019re going to pull is by paying someone to do the unfortunate honours. Even if you resort to paying for it, I doubt you\u2019ll get anywhere.<\/p>\n

MICKEY SENIOR:
\nIs that because of my boy\u2019s lack of charm?<\/p>\n

RODNEY:
\nWell yeah, that and the fact we have no money. Anyway, we are not going on the pull. We are all but bloody taken, alright?<\/p>\n

MICKEY:
\nAlright, Rodney! I\u2019m only joking aint I. You need to lighten up. We\u2019re on our holidays! Anyway, Cassandra\u2019s got the hump with you again so what does it matter?!<\/p>\n

RODNEY:
\nLook! Already, since this holiday all but bloody begun, we\u2019ve encountered various problems. You (pointing towards Mickey) sleeping in and almost making us late for check \u2013in. Jevon\u2019s hormones going in to overdrive, and reports of Saddam Hussain holidaying on our flight! But not to fear, Mickey is here with his flick knife.<\/p>\n

JEVON:
\nRelax, Rodney. Once we\u2019re through customs we\u2019ll have a few pints and then we\u2019ll be on the flight. What could possibly go wrong?<\/p>\n

\"All<\/p>\n

SCENE 7 \u2013 Departure Lounge. Bar.<\/strong><\/p>\n

(The boys are sat down enjoying a drink. They spot Trigger near them sweeping up.)<\/p>\n

MICKEY SENIOR:
\nHey! There\u2019s Trigg. Trigger!<\/p>\n

RODNEY:
\nYou\u2019re kidding? Alright Trigg?<\/p>\n

TRIGGER:
\nAlright, Dave? Alright boys?<\/p>\n

RODNEY:
\nYou work here now?<\/p>\n

TRIGGER:
\nThe council have a contract with all the terminals here, so sent me to train up the cleaning staff here.<\/p>\n

RODNEY:
\nThey sent you?<\/p>\n

TRIGGER:
\nYeah, well they wanted to send someone with a bit of experience and know-how.<\/p>\n

MICKEY SENIOR:
\nThey couldn\u2019t get hold of anyone then?<\/p>\n

TRIGGER:
\nNo, so they sent me. Anyway, I\u2019m finishing my shift in a moment. Then I\u2019ll quickly check-in. Still have about an hour don\u2019t I?<\/p>\n

(The others seem rather confused.)<\/p>\n

MICKEY:
\nEh?<\/p>\n

RODNEY:
\nYou\u2019re coming? I didn\u2019t inv\u2026<\/p>\n

TRIGG:
\nI thought you said we were going on another beano to Margate?<\/p>\n

RODNEY:
\nA beano to Margate? Trigg, since when did Luton do return flights to Margate beach?<\/p>\n

TRIGG:
\nOh. Well, is it alright to go wherever you\u2019re going, Dave?<\/p>\n

(Rodney has an awkward look on his face, as do the others. With some consideration, Rodney lets Trigg come on the holiday)<\/p>\n

RODNEY:
\nYes, yes OK. You better hurry up. They\u2019ll be boarding pretty soon. Where are your things? You\u2019ve got to buy your tickets yet!<\/p>\n

TRIGGER:
\nI\u2019ll be right with you. All my stuff is in my locker<\/p>\n

(Trigg puts down his broom and leans it up against a bar stool and quickly exists.)<\/p>\n

MICKEY:
\nA locker? He don\u2019t pack much does he?<\/p>\n

RODNEY:
\nTrigger\u2019s brain doesn\u2019t pack much.<\/p>\n

SCENE 8 – CUT TO TRIGGER BEING SECURITY CHECKED AND WALKING TOWARDS THE DEPARTURE LOUNGE. WE SEE HIM LOOKING AT A CHECK-IN FOR \u2018LAS RAMBLE FLO MARKHT\u2019 OF GERMANY. HE HAS PURCHASED THE WRONG TICKETS AND BOARDS THE WRONG PLANE. HE SHOWS HIS TICKET TO THE STEWARD BY THE BOARDING DOORS.<\/strong><\/p>\n

TRIGG:
\nHi, here\u2019s my ticket. I dunno where my friends are. Will you tell \u2018em that I\u2019ve sat down already? I reckon they\u2019ve been drinking too much and got on the wrong flight!<\/p>\n

STEWARD:
\nYes, sir. (Confused)<\/p>\n

TRIGG:
\nSometimes, it takes the sensible sober one to be group leader dunnit?<\/p>\n

(Trigg makes his way through the boarding doors and on to the wrong plane.)<\/p>\n

SCENE 9 -CUT TO THE OTHERS ON THE PLANE. BACKING MUSIC BEING PLAYED, NO DIALOGUE FOR THIS VERY SHORT SCENE.<\/strong><\/p>\n

WE SEE MICKEY, HIS DAD AND JEVON SAT TOGETHER. RODNEY IS SAT BEHIND THEM AND IS SAT BETWEEN TWO OLD PENSIONERS, NOT LOOKING BEST PLEASED. THE OTHERS ARE LAUGHING AT HIM AND TAKING PICTURES. AS THIS HAPPENS, YOU CAN LIP READ RODNEY SAYING \u201cPISS OFF\u201d.<\/p>\n

THE SCENE OPENS UP WITH THE BOYS WALKING THROUGH CUSTOMS AND EXITING THE AIRPORT. THEY GET IN TO A TAXI AND WE SEE THEIR JOURNEY RIGHT TO THE HOSTELS ENTRANCE. THEY ARE DRIVING THROUGH A BUSY TOWN ON THE WAY TO LAS RAMBLES, AND WE SEE A CAR LOT ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD WITH THE OWNER STOOD OUTSIDE SMOKING A LARGE CIGAR. HE IS JUST LIKE BOYCIE, ONLY THE SPANISH VERSION. COMB-OVER HAIR CUT AND AN EVEN LARGER MOUSTACHE, COUNTING MONEY. THE CAR THEN PASSES VARIOUS STALLS ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD SELLING TACKY GEAR. THERE\u2019S A LITTLE SPANISH GUY SELLING HIS GOODS AND TRYING TO CHARM THE CUSTOMERS. LIKE DEL, HE IS SHORT, LOUD AND IS WEARING SUNGLASSES AND WEARS LOTS OF JEWLERY. WE ALSO SEE A GORMLESS LOOKING INDIVIDUAL SWEEPING THE STREETS. THE BOYS LOOK AT EACHOTHER AND LAUGH TO THEMSELVES.<\/p>\n

RODNEY:
\nBloody hell, it\u2019s a carbon copy of Peckham.<\/p>\n

SCENE 10 \u2013 \u2018THE FLYING PIG\u2019 HOSTLE, LAS RAMBLES. THE BOYS CHECK IN TO THEIR HOSTEL.<\/strong><\/p>\n

RODNEY:
\nHello, urr Ola. We..us, we\u2019re here to check in. Here are our passports and confirmation of booking.<\/p>\n

RECEPTIONIST:
\nHello, thank you.
\n(Receptionist reads Rodney\u2019s confirmation)<\/p>\n

MICKEY:
\nJevon, how about her then?<\/p>\n

JEVON:
\nLearn from the master.<\/p>\n

(Jevon attempts to woo the pretty receptionist lady and proceeds to talk in Spanish)<\/p>\n

JEVON:
\nHola hermosa. Estoy con algunos idiotas \u00bfpor qu\u00e9 no podemos cumplir, tanto por nuestra cuenta m\u00e1s adelante para tomar una copa?<\/p>\n

(Translated in to on-screen subtitles – hello beautiful. I’m with some idiots so why don’t we both meet up on our own later for a drink?)<\/p>\n

(The others appear
\nto look impressed with a grin on their faces)<\/p>\n

RECEPTIONIST:
\nUsted la amabilidad puede cabrear!
\n(You can kindly piss off)<\/p>\n

JEVON:
\nThat\u2019s the way to charm \u2018em, Rodney.<\/p>\n

MICKEY:
\nI didn\u2019t know you spoke Spanish?<\/p>\n

JEVON:
\nAlways prepare my son, always prepare. You\u2019ll never know when you need it most.<\/p>\n

RODNEY:
\nWill you two behave? They\u2019ll chuck us out on the streets.<\/p>\n

RECEPTIONIST:
\nThank you, sir. We have your room key here. It\u2019s number 142. It is a 2 bedroom room.<\/p>\n

JEVON:<\/p>\n

What? I mean \u2018Perdon\u2019
\n(Pardon in Spanish)<\/p>\n

MICKEY:
\nThat\u2019s wonderful. I get to spend the next 3 nights enjoying my freedom with you lot.<\/p>\n

RODNEY:
\nIt said it was a room for 4 people.<\/p>\n

RECEPTIONIST:
\nIt is a room for 8 people. The 2 beds are double bedded bunk beds.<\/p>\n

RODNEY:
\n8 people? Ace! All that space. That\u2019s not so bad.<\/p>\n

RECEPTIONIST:
\nBut..<\/p>\n

MICKEY SENIOR:
\nHere comes the punch line..<\/p>\n

RECEPTIONIST:
\nThere\u2019s currently 4 other people sleeping in the other beds in your room.<\/p>\n

(The others sigh and despair)<\/p>\n

RODNEY:
\nIsn\u2019t there any other room we can have?<\/p>\n

RECEPTIONIST:
\nWe have one other room for 3 people with 2 beds.<\/p>\n

RODNEY:
\nOh! We\u2019ll take that one if it\u2019s alright.<\/p>\n

RECEPTIONIST:
\nNo, I\u2019m afraid this room has just been booked by somebody else. I am sorry sir.<\/p>\n

RODNEY:
\nOh, OK. Thank you. Come on then you lot, let\u2019s get the party going.<\/p>\n

(They lads walk up a flight of stairs except for Jevon, who continues to talk in Spanish to this pretty receptionist, but we hear in the backround that the short-lived conversation isn\u2019t going very well, followed by a slap. The others laugh.)<\/p>

\n