{"id":5157,"date":"2013-02-15T17:56:36","date_gmt":"2013-02-15T17:56:36","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.ofah.net\/blog\/?p=5157"},"modified":"2013-02-15T17:56:45","modified_gmt":"2013-02-15T17:56:45","slug":"all-you-need-is-bruv-part-5","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.ofah.net\/blog\/all-you-need-is-bruv-part-5\/","title":{"rendered":"All You Need Is Bruv part 5"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Only Fools and Horses Originally\u00a0By John Sullivan<\/p>\n

Episode year \u2013 Summer of 1992.\u00a0(part 1 here)<\/a>\u00a0(part 2 here)<\/a>\u00a0(part 3 here)<\/a>\u00a0(part 4 here)<\/a><\/p>\n

\u2018All You Need Is Bruv.\u2019 part 5 (final part)<\/h2>\n

SCENE 13 \u2013 AT THE BEACH, BARCELONA.<\/strong><\/p>\n

(Del, Rodney, Mickey, Jevon and Mickey Senior sunbathing)<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nThis is the life, innit, Rodney? I managed to sell all them CB\u2019s. Including Wondo\u2019s consignment of watches, portable CD players too.<\/p>\n

RODNEY:
\nWhere and how exactly did you get access to all of this hookie gear?<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nUse your Hovis, Rodney.<\/p>\n

RODNEY:
\nHovis?<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nYeah, Hovis. Your loaf! Anyway, I met him at this spic drinking club he knows. Actually quite a friendly bloke. He recommended me a few places we can goto. You chaps up for a spot of local culture?<\/p>\n

MICKEY:
\nWhat do you have in mind, Del?<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nI\u2019ve got tickets to the bull fighting. Only ten potatius! Bargain!<\/p>\n

MICKEY SENIOR:
\nYou mean pesetas?<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nThat\u2019s what I said.<\/p>\n

RODNEY:
\nBull fighting? I do not believe you. You expect me, a vegetarian to watch some Spanish yobo\u2019s teasing and humiliating those creatures? No thank you.<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nWhat are you on about, you dipstick? Just because you\u2019re vegetarian, doesn\u2019t mean they\u2019ll eat the bloody things. It\u2019s just a bit of light entertainment. They don\u2019t get any harm done to them.<\/p>\n

RODNEY:
\nI am not going. Anyway, we fancied watching the football. There\u2019s a match on this afternoon.<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nAlright, Rodney. Whatever you say. Who\u2019s playing?<\/p>\n

MICKEY:
\nBarcelona.<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nI know that! Bloody hell, I meant who against?<\/p>\n

RODNEY:
\nSome Spanish team I think. Not sure.<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nWell, thank you Des Lynham!<\/p>\n

(We see a bloke walking by with a carrier bag, trying to sell food and drink goods)<\/p>\n

LOCAL SALESMAN:
\nYou want drink?<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nWhat have you got, Won?<\/p>\n

LOCAL SALESMAN:
\nI have beer, drink, crisp..<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nYou got any penocolada\u2019s?<\/p>\n

RODNEY:
\nDerrick! No thank you, we\u2019re alright for drinks.<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nWell thank you very much, bruv. What did you say that for? I\u2019m well parched.<\/p>\n

RODNEY:
\nThey\u2019ll be another one along in a minute.<\/p>\n

DEL:
\n\u2018Another one along in a minute\u2019? It\u2019s a drink I need not the 217 to Madrid! Here you are, look. There\u2019s some mush coming along now, look.<\/p>\n

LOCAL SALESPERSON 2:
\nOla. English? I have tickets for game. You want buy?<\/p>\n

JEVON:
\nNot for me. I\u2019ve got my eyes set on that lovely behind over there. Her bra has got my name written all over it.<\/p>\n

MICKEY:
\nI\u2019ll have some of that!<\/p>\n

RODNEY:
\nGod! You two are like sperm on steroids.<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nHow much, Jon?<\/p>\n

LOCAL SALESPERSON 2:
\nMy name is Leondre, not Jon.<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nWhatever, Leon. How much?<\/p>\n

LOCAL SALESPERSON 2:
\nOnly five pesetas each.<\/p>\n

RODNEY:
\nWhat tickets are these for?<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nWhat are you on about, Rodney? Use your noddle. He said for the game didn\u2019t he?<\/p>\n

RODNEY:
\nHe didn\u2019t say which game, Del.<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nYou have to question absolutely everything, Rodney. I dunno. You come on yer holidays to take in the local culture, and all you do is spoil the mood. Just trust me on this one, it\u2019ll be a right laugh!<\/p>\n

SCENE 14. CUT TO A LOCAL FOOTBALL MATCH AT A VERY SMALL STADIUM, NEXT TO A CHICKEN FARM. CLEARLY, THE BOYS HAVE BEEN MIS-SOLD TICKETS TO A LOCAL FOOTBALL MATCH, RATHER THAN THE ANTICIPATED BARCELONA MATCH TICKETS THEY WERE AFTER.<\/strong><\/p>\n

DEL:
\nThis is all we bloody need.<\/p>\n

RODNEY:
\nYou bought the tickets. As per usual, it\u2019s no questions asked with you, is it?<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nThat\u2019s because \u2018he who dares, wins\u2019 Rodney. You do not turn down tickets as cheap as these to watch a bit of footy! It takes me back to my youthful days when I was the school captain.<\/p>\n

RODNEY:
\nYou? School captain?<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nYes! Me. Cheeky little bark. Nah, they don\u2019t play the beautiful game like what we used to. Ain\u2019t that right Micky Senior?<\/p>\n

MICKEY SENIOR:
\nYou\u2019re right there, Del.<\/p>\n

RODNEY:
\nI should hope you did play better than this lot. Look at them, look. They look like they\u2019re all playing with two left feet.<\/p>\n

MICKEY:
\nA bit like how Chelsea play then, Rodney!<\/p>\n

*Disapproved look from Rodney*<\/p>\n

THE REFEREE SUDDENLY BLOWS HIS WHISTLE, AND JOGS TOWARDS DEL AND THE OTHERS.<\/p>\n

REF:
\nUstedes! \u00bfPodr\u00eda intervenir y hacer bulto?<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nWhat\u2019s that you say, Jon?<\/p>\n

REF:
\nIngles?<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nWe don\u2019t speak the local lingo, pal. What\u2019s he sayin\u2019, Rodney?<\/p>\n

RODNEY:
\nWe, I mean, I speak English. English?<\/p>\n

REF:
\nAh! I see. No problem. We need players. Can you play?<\/p>\n

AT THIS POINT, DEL BOY LOOKS TO EACH OF THE OTHERS, PUFFS HIS CIGAR AND APPROACHES THE REF.<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nJon, if you want players, you can have players. Come on boys, let\u2019s get out there.<\/p>\n

MICKEY SENIOR:
\nNot me, Del. I\u2019ll collapse.<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nRodders? Come on, look. It\u2019s just a bit of fun!<\/p>\n

RODNEY:
\nDel, they\u2019ll break our legs! They look as if they work for the Spanish Armada.<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nSpanish Armada? What are you going on about you dipstick? I don\u2019t see what the make of their clothes has got to do with anything.<\/p>\n

RODNEY:
\nArmani, Del! Not Armada! Nevermind. All I am saying is that no way will you find me playing against any of that horrible looking lot. No way my son.<\/p>

\n