{"id":5231,"date":"2013-03-26T09:04:32","date_gmt":"2013-03-26T09:04:32","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.ofah.net\/blog\/?p=5231"},"modified":"2013-03-26T09:08:08","modified_gmt":"2013-03-26T09:08:08","slug":"fan-script-episode-mexi-can","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.ofah.net\/blog\/fan-script-episode-mexi-can\/","title":{"rendered":"Fan script episode : Mexi-can"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Fan script episode :\u00a0Mexi-can by Only Fools and Horses megafan\u00a0Kiel Phillips<\/strong><\/p>\n

One of the best only fools and horses episodes from a fan I’ve read, so sit back and enjoy this superb episode….<\/p>\n

SCENE 1 \u2013 INT: TROTTER LIVING ROOM \u2013 EARLY MORNING<\/p>\n

DEL ENTERS FROM THE BEDROOM IN HIS PYJAMAS. RODNEY IS AT THE BAR POURING A GLASS OF WATER.<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

Alright bruv? What you doin’ up, it’s gone half three.<\/p>\n

RODNEY:<\/p>\n

Couldn’t sleep, it’s freezing in there<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

Yeah, it is a bit taters. I thought the council would’ve been out to sort it by now.<\/p>\n

RODNEY:<\/p>\n

Give them a chance, you only rang them three months ago<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

Anyway, I thought you had a hot water bottle<\/p>\n

RODNEY:<\/p>\n

I do<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

Well there you are then, use that<\/p>\n

RODNEY:<\/p>\n

I was using it, I filled it up before I went to bed<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

So what are you moaning about then?<\/p>\n

RODNEY:<\/p>\n

It’s frozen<\/p>\n

RODNEY SITS DOWN AT THE TABLE. THERE ARE CUPS AND MUGS ALL OVER IT. DEL POURS HIMSELF A GLASS OF THE WATER AND THEN SITS DOWN BESIDE HIM. RODNEY FLICKS ON AN ELECTRIC HEATER<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

Oi, oi, oi! Do you know how much those things cost to run?<\/p>\n

RODNEY:<\/p>\n

Well you either pay for this or you pay for a funeral, cos if I don’t get a heat i’m going to die of hypothermia<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

Don’t be such a soppy tart. Alright, five minutes<\/p>\n

DEL TURNS THE HEATER TOWARDS HIM<\/p>\n

RODNEY:<\/p>\n

Del!<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

I’m paying for it ain’t I?<\/p>\n

RODNEY:<\/p>\n

It shouldn’t be this cold, it’s not normal. It’s almost supernatural<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

Not this again, look, the place ain’t haunted. I told you before, it’s the extractor fan that the council put in the bathroom the wrong way round. The cold air is circulating around the flat cos there is no heat. There are no ghosties or ghoulies running round the place.<\/p>\n

RODNEY:<\/p>\n

Yeah I suppose. If there were you’d probably charge them rent.<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

I was engaged to a girl once who lived in a house that was haunted.<\/p>\n

RODNEY:<\/p>\n

Knowing some of the dogs you’ve been out with, it was probably her doing the haunting.<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

You’re going to cop an unfortunate one in a minute my son.<\/p>\n

RODNEY:<\/p>\n

OK, sorry. So how do you know the place was haunted?<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

Cos I seen the ghost<\/p>\n

RODNEY:<\/p>\n

No way!<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

On my life. We had been going out for three weeks, so we must have been engaged about two and a half. Anyway, I was staying at her place, it was a cold night, just like tonight. I was sneaking out before her old dad got in from the night shift.<\/p>\n

RODNEY:<\/p>\n

What were he, a security guard or something?<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

Sort of, his job did involve a sort of security.<\/p>\n

RODNEY:<\/p>\n

What did he do?<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

He robbed houses., which is what I\u2019m going to have to do to pay the electricity bill if this stays on much longer.<\/p>\n

DEL FLICKS OFF THE HEATER<\/p>\n

RODNEY:<\/p>\n

Oh bloody hell, I haven’t thawed yet<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

Go and stick the kettle on, we’ll have a nice hot cup of rosy.<\/p>\n

RODNEY:<\/p>\n

Don’t make me go into the kitchen Del, it’s colder than an Eskimos mother in law’s kiss.<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

You are a big girls blouse you are. You win Rodders, I\u2019ll make the tea. \u00a0Pass me that tray.<\/p>\n

RODNEY PASSES DEL A TRAY AND DEL STARTS TO LOAD THE CUPS ONTO IT<\/p>\n

RODNEY:<\/p>\n

So what about the ghost then?<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

Oh right, yeah. I was just getting my trousers from the living room when I heard the creak of a door opening. Well I thought her old fella had come home and I was about to have it away on my toes, but something made me look up, and there it was.<\/p>\n

RODNEY:<\/p>\n

Wow! Were you scared?<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

Put it this way bruv, it’s lucky I weren’t wearing my trousers cos I\u2019d have made a right mess of them.<\/p>\n

DEL PICKS UP THE TRAY AND WALKS TOWARDS THE KITCHEN.<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

Open this door for me will ya<\/p>\n

RODNEY MOVES OVER BESIDE DEL<\/p>\n

RODNEY:<\/p>\n

So what did it look like? Can you remember?<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

I’ll never forget it. It was an old bloke, he was wearing one of those old fashioned night shirts and the dopey caps, you know, like wee Willie Winkie, and he had a big bushy beard. He was there for a couple of seconds and then he disappeared into thin air. I told my fianc\u00e9 about it and she said that a few people had seen it before, and whenever they did, someone close to the them died.<\/p>\n

RODNEY:<\/p>\n

And did someone die?<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

The very next night. My mate Albie Littlewood was hit by a train when he was taking a short-cut across the track.<\/p>\n

THE KITCHEN DOOR OPENS AND ALBERT COMES OUT WEARING A NIGHT SHIRT AND CAP<\/p>\n

ALBERT:<\/p>\n

What are you two doing up?<\/p>\n

DEL AND RODNEY SCREAM. DEL THROWS THE TRAY OF MUGS INTO THE AIR AND RUNS OFF TOWARDS THE DOOR, CLOSELY FOLLOWED BY RODNEY. THEY GO OUT INTO THE HALLWAY. AFTER A FEW SECONDS THE DOOR OPENS AND DEL PEEKS HIS HEAD ROUND THE DOOR. HE SEES ALBERT STANDING THERE AND GOES TO RECOIL BEHIND THE DOOR AGAIN BEFORE REALISING WHO IT IS. HE ENTERS AGAIN, FOLLOWED BY RODNEY.<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

What are you doing you silly old git, you nearly gave me and him a connery.<\/p>\n

ALBERT:<\/p>\n

I couldn’t sleep so I thought a cup of tea might help. Why did you break all them mugs?<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

Cos Paddy the Greek invited me to his daughter\u2019s wedding and I thought I\u2019d get in the mood. Get out of the way, and clean that mess up.<\/p>\n

DEL GOES INTO THE KITCHEN. ALBERT GRABS THE DUSTPAN AND BRUSH AND STARTS TO CLEAR UP THE MESS<\/p>\n

ALBERT:<\/p>\n

So why are you up?<\/p>\n

RODNEY:<\/p>\n

I’m too cold to sleep<\/p>\n

ALBERT:<\/p>\n

It is a bit parky. What you need to do is to trick your mind into thinking it is warm.<\/p>\n

RODNEY:<\/p>\n

And how am I supposed to do that?<\/p>\n

ALBERT:<\/p>\n

During the war<\/p>\n

RODNEY:<\/p>\n

Oh God<\/p>\n

ALBERT:<\/p>\n

we were in the middle of the North sea. It was the start of December, so it was bitterly cold. I had the idea to light a small fire in a mess tin, there wouldn’t be much heat from it but just seeing the flame would trick the brain into thinking it was warmer than it actually was.<\/p>\n

RODNEY:<\/p>\n

And did it work?<\/p>\n

ALBERT:<\/p>\n

It worked for a little while, but then I ended up colder than before.<\/p>\n

RODNEY:<\/p>\n

Because the fire went out so your brain kind of went crazy?<\/p>\n

ALBERT:<\/p>\n

No, because I ended up swimming in the North Sea. You see, I was on watch and a German bomber spotted the flame and dropped 2 high capacity bombs.<\/p>\n

RODNEY:<\/p>\n

You were hit by 2 bombs?<\/p>\n

ALBERT:<\/p>\n

No, they missed<\/p>\n

RODNEY:<\/p>\n

So how did you end up in the water?<\/p>\n

ALBERT:<\/p>\n

Well, the bombs missed us and hit the water, but they created waves that shook the boat. The mess tin fell over and the fire spread too quickly for me to do anything, within ten minutes the whole crew had to jump overboard. Luckily one of the other ships in the fleet was able to rescue everyone and because we had spent so long in the icy water, we were confined to our warm quarters for three days to recover, so it worked out pretty well in the end.<\/p>\n

RODNEY:<\/p>\n

Which side paid your wages Albert?<\/p>\n

ALBERT:<\/p>\n

What do you mean by that?<\/p>\n

RODNEY:<\/p>\n

You seem to have done more damage to the British navy than the Luftwaffe in your time.<\/p>\n

DEL ENTERS WITH TEA AND HANDS THEM OUT<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

What are you two nattering about?<\/p>\n

ALBERT:<\/p>\n

I were just telling Rodney, during t….<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

If this story ends with your boat sinking, then I\u2019ve heard it<\/p>\n

RODNEY:<\/p>\n

Nah Del, this one didn’t sink<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

Really? Go on then Unc<\/p>\n

ALBERT:<\/p>\n

Well, it did sink, eventually<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

Right, I think it’s time everyone was back in bed, go on, take your tea with ya, that’s it, we’ve got to be up in a couple of hours.<\/p>\n

ALBERT, RODNEY HEAD TO THEIR ROOMS<\/p>\n

ALBERT:<\/p>\n

Night boys<\/p>\n

RODNEY & DEL:<\/p>\n

Night Unc \/ yeah goodnight<\/p>\n

DEL SITS FOR A MOMENT AND THEN MAKES HIS WAY TOWARDS HIS ROOM, AS HE PASSES THE BAR HE TAKES A SWIG OF TEA<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

Eurgh, forgot the sugar<\/p>\n

HE IS ABOUT TO TURN BACK WHEN HE HEARS A DOOR CREAKING, HE PAUSES FOR A SECOND BEFORE DASHING TO HIS ROOM<\/p>\n

SCENE 2 \u2013 INT: TROTTER LIVING ROOM \u2013 MORNING<\/p>\n

RODNEY IS SITTING ON ONE OF THE CHAIRS IN FRONT OF THE TV. HE HAS A MAGAZINE IN FRONT OF HIM, IT IS OPEN AT A PAGE THAT HAS A FIRE ON IT. RODNEY HAS HIS HANDS OUT TOWARDS IT LIKE HE IS WARMING THEM UP. DEL ENTERS.<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

What are you doing?<\/p>\n

RODNEY:<\/p>\n

Eh? Oh nothing. Just something Albert told me about. Silly old sod.<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

Well come on, we have to get down the market, I’m meeting Young Towzer.<\/p>\n

RODNEY:<\/p>\n

What crap is he lumbering us with this time?<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

It’s not crap, it’s quality stock.<\/p>\n

RODNEY:<\/p>\n

Oh yeah, that’s what you said when he sold us that \u201cquality tinned meat\u201d<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

That were a great deal. We made a fortune on that<\/p>\n

RODNEY:<\/p>\n

Del it made people ill. Dyno Rod had to take on extra employees to deal with the drains.<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

Ah, yeah, but I got rid of that two gross of bog roll that had been in the garage for nearly a year.<\/p>\n

RODNEY:<\/p>\n

You’re unbelievable, you know that.<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

Shut up you tart. Now come on before he sells it to someone else.<\/p>\n

DEL HEADS OUT AND THEN POPS HIS HEAD BACK INTO THE ROOM<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

And you might want to bring your book with you, the heater in the van is playing up.<\/p>\n

SCENE 3 \u2013 EXT: MARKET \u2013 MORNING<\/p>\n

DEL AND RODNEY ARE LOOKING INTO A BOX<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

Well, what do you think?<\/p>\n

RODNEY: (UNENTHUSIATIC)<\/p>\n

Cosmic<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

We’re gonna earn off these Rodders, you mark my words. Only five nicker a piece<\/p>\n

RODNEY:<\/p>\n

Nobody is going to pay five pounds for that<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

No, five is what I paid for them. I think I\u2019ll knock them out for eighteen, maybe nineteen.<\/p>\n

RODNEY:<\/p>\n

Why not just go the whole twenty pence<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

Don’t get saucy<\/p>\n

RODNEY PULLS ONE OF THE ITEMS OUT OF THE BOX. IT IS A KNITTED PONCHO AND IT IS MADE OF LOTS OF DIFFERENT COLOURS OF BRIGHTLY COLOURED WOOL. IT MAKES A CHRISTMAS JUMPER LOOK FASHIONABLE.<\/p>\n

\"Fan<\/p>\n

RODNEY:<\/p>\n

Del, a colour-blind Mexican wouldn’t buy this.<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

You don’t know anything about fashion. All the posh tarts are wearing these now. And with the weather like this they’ll sell like hot cakes. I tell you what, you’re moaning about how cold the flat is, I\u2019ll do you a blinding deal on one.<\/p>\n

RODNEY:<\/p>\n

No thank you! I’d rather die of hypothermia than be seen alive in one of those monstrosities.<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>

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