{"id":5246,"date":"2013-04-09T13:25:28","date_gmt":"2013-04-09T12:25:28","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.ofah.net\/blog\/?p=5246"},"modified":"2013-04-09T13:25:28","modified_gmt":"2013-04-09T12:25:28","slug":"only-fools-and-horses-fan-script","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.ofah.net\/blog\/only-fools-and-horses-fan-script\/","title":{"rendered":"Only Fools and Horses Fan script"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Only Fools and Horses Fan script :\u00a0Electronic Dreams by\u00a0Kiel Phillips<\/strong><\/p>\n

SCENE 1 \u2013 EXT: OUTSIDE THE TROTTERS LOCKUP \u2013 DAY<\/p>\n

BOTH TROTTER BROTHERS ARE STANDING IN FRONT OF THEIR LOCKUP. IT IS FILLED RIGHT TO THE FRONT WITH BOXES. THE BOXES HAVE ‘QUALITY 24\u201d TV’ WRITTEN ON THEM.<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

We done all right there bruv, eh?<\/p>\n

RODNEY:<\/p>\n

Yeah! Not half<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

And you didn’t even want to come to the auction. Waste of time you said. Well i’ve proved you wrong ain’t I?<\/p>\n

RODNEY:<\/p>\n

Don’t go on about it!<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

You just didn’t want to go because you was up half the night trying to get your end away with that sort from Battersea Dogs Home<\/p>\n

RODNEY:<\/p>\n

She doesn’t work at Battersea Dogs Home<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

No, she lives there. So, did you, you know…<\/p>\n

RODNEY:<\/p>\n

You are disgusting you are. It’s not like that with me and Miranda. Ours is more an intellectual relationship. We talk about art, the state of the planet, stuff you wouldn’t understand. Sex is the furthest thing from our minds.<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

Yeah, all right Rodney, I believe you. Thousands wouldn’t. Now go on, help Denzil get the last couple of boxes off the van.<\/p>\n

DENZIL CAN BE SEEN SITTING KNACKERED AT THE BACK OF HIS VAN HAVING LIFTED ALL THESE TV SETS INTO THE TROTTER LOCK UP<\/p>\n

RODNEY:<\/p>\n

I can’t, I’ve hurt my hand<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

Eh, how have you done that then?<\/p>\n

RODNEY:<\/p>\n

Well Miranda bent my fingers back last night when I tried to take her bra off<\/p>\n

DEL POINTS AND LAUGHS AT RODNEY<\/p>\n

RODNEY:<\/p>\n

So, what exactly do we have here?<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

What we have here is the deal of a lifetime Rodders. This is going to set us off on the road to becoming millionaires.<\/p>\n

RODNEY:<\/p>\n

How much did you pay for them?<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

Six hundred quid<\/p>\n

RODNEY:<\/p>\n

What’s wrong with them?<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

Nuffink<\/p>\n

RODNEY:<\/p>\n

Del, you can not buy fifty television sets in perfect working order for six hundred pounds. Now either they’ve got something wrong with them, or they’re nicked.<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

They were bought at an auction. Everything bought at an auction has to be pukka, don’t it. Checked out by the coppers, proper working order and all that. Listen here you silly tart, the electronics superstore in the high street went bust and the auction today was to sell off all their stock to pay the baliffs.<\/p>\n

RODNEY:<\/p>\n

Ah right, cosmic. Well if they were selling off a load of electronics why didn’t you buy a mixture of stuff?<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

Do me a favour Rodney, you know what the crap in that place was like, half of it never worked.<\/p>\n

RODNEY NODS AND THEN REALISES WHAT DEL HAS SAID, BUT BY NOW DEL IS TALKING WITH DENZIL WHO IS CARRYING A BOX, LOOKING LIKE HE HAS JUST RUN A MARATHON<\/p>\n

DENZIL:<\/p>\n

This is the last one Del Boy<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

Si vous plait Denzil, si vous plait. Just stick it… oh, there’s no room in there. You don’t want to buy a tele do you?<\/p>\n

DENZIL:<\/p>\n

Not from you I don’t<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

That hurts Denzil. That hurts. Here was me just thinking to myself, Denzil has taken time out of his busy day to help me out, the least I can do is give him the biggest steal of his life. A brand new 24\u201d colour TV with remote control that retails at almost four hundred quid for just seventy five sods.<\/p>\n

DENZIL:<\/p>\n

Seventy five pounds?<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

Just to you mind, as you’re a mate who has done me a favour. Don’t be going and spreading it around you dipstick.<\/p>\n

DENZIL:<\/p>\n

I’ve gotta say Del Boy, that’s a great deal, and i’m grateful and all cos Corinne has been on at me to replace the old black and white one we have, but I don’t have that kind of money to spare right now.<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

Don’t worry about that, you can have it on the knock. Let’s say a fiver a week for eighteen weeks.<\/p>\n

DENZIL:<\/p>\n

Really? You’re a pal Del. I’ll take it<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

You know it makes sense. Now off you go, take that off to Corinne, that’ll put a smile on her face (UNDER BREATH) miserable cow<\/p>\n

DENZIL:<\/p>\n

Cheers Del, I’ll see you down the Nags Head later maybe?<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

We’ll be there, bonjour Denzil<\/p>\n

DENZIL STARTS TO WALK OFF<\/p>\n

RODNEY:<\/p>\n

Hang on Del, eighteen weeks?<\/p>\n

DEL: (WHILE WAVING AND SMILING TO DENZIL)<\/p>\n

Shut up Rodney, the fingers on your other hand will bend just as easily<\/p>\n

\"Only<\/p>\n

SCENE 2 \u2013 INT: NAGS HEAD \u2013 EVENING<\/p>\n

DEL IS AT THE BAR AND HE IS TALKING TO A RANDOM IRISH MAN<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

Mates rates, for you only, seventy five quid, but don’t go spreading it around.<\/p>\n

MAN:<\/p>\n

Yeah all right Del<\/p>\n

MIKE:<\/p>\n

Del<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

Hang on a minute Mike, I\u2019m doing a little bit of business here<\/p>\n

MIKE:<\/p>\n

I might have a big bit of business for you<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

Be right there Michael (TO MAN) I’ll get Rodney to throw your set round during the week, you can pay him then.<\/p>\n

DEL TURNS TO HEAD TOWARDS MIKE AND THEN REMEMBERS SOMETHING AND TURNS BACK<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

And oi, none of that Paddy money either. Pictures of Her Majesty only<\/p>\n

DEL NOW HEADS TO TALK TO MIKE<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

Yes Michael.<\/p>\n

MIKE:<\/p>\n

See that fella over there in the corner, sitting by himself?<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

Oh yeah<\/p>\n

MIKE:<\/p>\n

Well he was in here earlier today saying he had some quality goods to sell in bulk<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

Did he now?<\/p>\n

MIKE:<\/p>\n

I told him to come back tonight to see you<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

Well done Michael my son. I tell you what I’m going to do for you. Come here…<\/p>\n

MIKE LEANS OVER THE BAR SO DEL CAN TALK TO HIM WITHOUT ANYONE OVERHEARING<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

I have been fortunate enough today to procure some quality 24\u201d colour television sets with remote controls. They retail for three hundred, i’m selling them for half that, but since you have done me a favour tonight I am going to do you one and cut it in half again. Seventy five quid, one time deal.<\/p>\n

MIKE:<\/p>\n

You’ve got a deal.<\/p>\n

MIKE PAYS DEL FROM THE TILL<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

Now give me another drink, one for him in the corner, and take one for yourself Mike<\/p>\n

MIKE STARTS GETTING THE DRINKS. BOYCIE AND TRIGGER WALK TO THE BAR BOYCIE FINISHES A JOKE<\/p>\n

BOYCIE:<\/p>\n

So the nun said “I\u2019ve never come this way before” and the priest says “It must be the cobbles”<\/p>\n

BOYCIE STARTS TO LAUGH, TRIGGER DOESN’T<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

Is that the one I told you?<\/p>\n

BOYCIE:<\/p>\n

Yeah<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

It’s a belter, ain’t it?<\/p>\n

TRIGGER:<\/p>\n

I don’t think that’s very funny. You shouldn’t joke about priests, my dad was a priest<\/p>\n

BOYCIE:<\/p>\n

Trigger you don’t know who your dad is. I don’t think your mother had much of an idea to be honest<\/p>\n

TRIGGER:<\/p>\n

She knew, she used to drop me little hints as to who it was, like when we went to church she used to get me to call the priest “father”<\/p>\n

TRIGGER NODS AND WINKS KNOWINGLY<\/p>\n

BOYCIE:<\/p>\n

No Trig you see…<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

Don’t even try to explain it Boyce<\/p>\n

BOYCIE:<\/p>\n

Come on Trigger, I’ll get Marlene to drop you off. See you Del Boy.<\/p>\n

TRIGGER:<\/p>\n

Yeah night Del<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

Yeah, stay lucky boys.<\/p>\n

MIKE PUTS THE DRINKS IN FRONT OF DEL.<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

You better give me a communion wine in case Trigger’s dad turns up<\/p>\n

MIKE:<\/p>\n

Eh?<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

Nothing, nothing<\/p>\n

DEL IS ABOUT TO TURN AWAY<\/p>\n

MIKE:<\/p>\n

That’s three twenty for the drinks<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

Put it on the slate Mike, I haven’t got any money on me<\/p>\n

MIKE TRIES TO PROTEST BUT DEL IS ALREADY HALFWAY TO THE MAN IN THE CORNER.<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

Hello, Derek Trotter of Trotters Independent Traders<\/p>\n

RICHARD:<\/p>\n

Richard Prady<\/p>\n

RICHARD IS WELL SPOKEN AND WELL DRESSED, BUT HE HAS A SLIMY LOOK ABOUT HIM<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

So you are looking to sell something then?<\/p>\n

RICHARD:<\/p>\n

Straight to business Mt Trotter, I like your style<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

Well, get the deal done as quickly as possible, that’s my motto<\/p>\n

RICHARD:<\/p>\n

And a very sensible one too. Yes, I have a large quantity of quality merchandise for sale for the right price. The landlord here recommended I speak to you.<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

Because he said I buy quality goods?<\/p>\n

RICHARD:<\/p>\n

Well no, he said you buy any old crap<\/p>\n

DEL LOOKS BACK AT MIKE AND GIVE HIM THE EVIL EYE<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

Did he now?<\/p>\n

RICHARD:<\/p>\n

But I assure you that what I am offering you is of the highest quality.<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

What exactly is it you’re offering?<\/p>\n

RICHARD:<\/p>\n

Electronics Mr Trotter. Televisions to be more specific.<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

Ah<\/p>\n

RICHARD:<\/p>\n

Is there a problem?<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

Yeah, you see, just this morning I bought fifty of them<\/p>\n

RICHARD:<\/p>\n

And how are they selling?<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

Well, I\u2019ve got plenty of orders, yeah<\/p>\n

RICHARD:<\/p>\n

So why not buy these from me and make double what you were going to make? Because I have about fifty left that I want to sell quickly. You see Mr Trotter, my shop went bankrupt in this bloody recession, and I am trying to sell off as much of my stock as I can before the baliffs get their hands on it.<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

I dunno, I’ve got most of my money tied up in the stock I have already<\/p>\n

RODNEY ARRIVES AT THE TABLE<\/p>\n

RODNEY:<\/p>\n

Del, can I have the keys to the van, I’m taking Miranda out again tonight<\/p>\n

DEL HANDS RODNEY THE KEYS<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

Just you keep your hands off her bra you randy little sod, you’re delivering TVs all week, so you’re going to need both hands. Now enchante, enchante<\/p>\n

DEL WAVES RODNEY AWAY<\/p>\n

RICHARD:<\/p>\n

Ah, parlez vous francais?<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

Sorry Dicko, I don’t speak Italian<\/p>\n

RICHARD IS TAKEN ABACK FOR A SECOND<\/p>\n

RICHARD:<\/p>\n

Look Del, I’ll be straight with you, I need to get rid of these sets today. Make me an offer, what did you pay for the televisions you already have?<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

Six (DEL CATCHES HIMSELF) Four hundred pounds.<\/p>\n

RICHARD:<\/p>\n

I was expecting a bit more than that to be honest, but I suppose beggars can’t be choosers, four hundred pounds and they’re yours.<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

Lovely jubbly<\/p>\n

DEL SPITS ON HIS HAND AND HOLDS IT OUT TO SHAKE. RICHARD DOES SO BEGRUDGINLY<\/p>\n

SCENE 3 \u2013 INT: FLAT \u2013 NIGHT<\/p>\n

THERE ARE BOXES WITH THE TVS EVERYWHERE. RODNEY IS COMING IN FROM THE KITCHEN WITH CUPS OF TEA AND IT IS LIKE AN OBSTACLE COURSE TO MAKE IT TO THE CHAIRS TO GIVE DEL AND GRANDAD THEIR TEA<\/p>\n

RODNEY:<\/p>\n

Why can’t we put these in the garage<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>\n

Because dopey, the other sets are in the garage, ain’t they?<\/p>\n

RODNEY:<\/p>\n

Are you sure there isn’t any more room?<\/p>\n

DEL:<\/p>

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