{"id":5622,"date":"2014-02-24T10:42:08","date_gmt":"2014-02-24T10:42:08","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.ofah.net\/blog\/?p=5622"},"modified":"2014-02-24T10:42:08","modified_gmt":"2014-02-24T10:42:08","slug":"script-seconds","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.ofah.net\/blog\/script-seconds\/","title":{"rendered":"Script: Seconds Out"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n\r\n<\/amp-auto-ads>\n<\/div>\n

Another great script from\u00a0Kiel Phillips called\u00a0Seconds Out – We hope you enjoy it!<\/p>\n

SCENE 1 \u2013 EXT: MARKET \u2013 DAY<\/p>\n

DEL IS STANDING IN FRONT OF A SMALL CROWD. HE IS HOLDING A TIN WHICH DOESN\u2019T HAVE A LABEL. THE SUITCASE SITS ON A TABLE ALSO FULL OF THESE TINS. THE VAN IS PARKED JUST BEHIND AND IT IS PACKED WITH TINS. RODNEY IS ON LOOKOUT DUTY.<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nNow ladies and gentlemen, we Brits are well known for being a nation of animal lovers. I know I am, and my business partner and brother Rodney over there is as well. I do my bit by donating to the NSPCC and young Rodney does his bit by taking a dog out to the disco every Saturday night.<\/p>\n

RODNEY LOOKS OFFENDED. DEL NODS TOWARDS A WOMAN IN THE CROWD.<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nNo offence darling. If you are all the animal lovers I think you are then I have a deal you cannot turn down. Thanks to my contacts at Crufts I have been able to procure the highest quality dog food. This stuff gives your dog so much energy that postmen have gone on strike trying to get it banned. Now if you go down to Tesco what would you expect to pay for a tin of ordinary run of the mill named brand? 30p? 35p? Well I\u2019m not going to ask that. Even though this is higher quality than your Pedigree Chum or your Winalot, and every tin is guaranteed to contain a bit of a Grand National winner, I\u2019m not asking 30p. 25 pence a tin is all I am asking.<\/p>\n

GENERAL GROANS OF INDIFFERENCE FROM THE CROWD<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nCome on now. This is the stuff they use to feed Lassie. If Old Yeller could have talked this is the stuff he would have asked for as his last meal. And I\u2019m not supposed to tell you this, but there are Corgis at a certain palace that are tucking into this three times a day. I tell you what I\u2019ll do, I\u2019ll give it to you at what it cost me just because I need the space in the back of my van to help deliver guide dogs to the blind. 20p a tin or four for a pound, now I can\u2019t say fairer than that.<\/p>\n

RODNEY: (MONOTONE)
\nNow steady on Del<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nNo Rodney, I just want these people to feed their pets with the best gear money can buy. I don\u2019t mind not making a profit if it is going to benefit the little animals.<\/p>\n

WOMAN IN CROWD:
\nIt should be five for a pound<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nSorry love?<\/p>\n

WOMAN IN CROWD:
\nYou said 20p each or four for a pound. It should be five for a pound.<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nYou want five for a pound? Ask and you shall receive. Rodney, take her money. Now, anyone else?<\/p>\n

THE SURGE STARTS AT MONEY IS THRUSTED AT DEL AND RODNEY<\/p>\n

SCENE 2 \u2013 INT: PUB \u2013 EARLY EVENING<\/p>\n

DEL AND RODNEY ENTER. MIKE IS BEHIND THE BAR, AND A FEW REGULARS ARE SCATTERED AROUND THE PLACE.<\/p>\n

RODNEY:
\nYou have some nerve. \u201cEvery tin contains a bit of a Grand National winner\u201d?<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nWell it could do. Anyway, how are they going to know, it\u2019s not like there are going to be name tags stuck in the middle of it<\/p>\n

RODNEY:
\nNo, but I bet if there was they wouldn\u2019t say \u2018Red Rum\u2019 or \u2018L\u2019Escargot\u2019. I bet they\u2019d say something like \u2018Tiger\u2019, \u2018Puss\u2019 or \u2018Ginger\u2019<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nShut up you tart. Look, what do you expect for five pence a tin? We\u2019ve knocked out a thousand tins between yesterday and today and made 300% profit.<\/p>\n

RODNEY:
\nYou don\u2019t care who or what gets hurt as long as you make a profit.<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nThat hurts Rodney. That you would think I\u2019d knowingly harm a poor defenseless little animal just to make a few quid.<\/p>\n

RODNEY:
\nWell those tins had no labels on them. The best before dates had been scratched off. How do you know they were even safe to eat?<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nBecause I tested it. I\u2019m not a monster you know.<\/p>\n

RODNEY:
\nAll right then, how did you test it?<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nWhat do you think was in that pie I baked you for dinner last night?<\/p>\n

DEL WALKS OFF TOWARDS THE BAR LEAVING RODNEY LOOKING FIRST CONFUSED, THEN SICK, THEN ANGRY. RODNEY GOES AFTER DEL.<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nEvening Michael, I\u2019ll have a pernod and blackcurrant and young Fido here will have a lager.<\/p>\n

MIKE:
\nHalf or pint?<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nJust stick it in a bowl and leave it on the floor for him<\/p>\n

RODNEY:
\nPint Mike, seeing as how Del is paying.<\/p>\n

MIKE GETS BUSY MAKING THE DRINKS<\/p>\n

RODNEY:
\nYou\u2019re a rotten git<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nWhat, I thought you wanted to help all the animals. Keep them safe and from distinction and all that.<\/p>\n

RODNEY:
\nYeah, but I don\u2019t want to safety test their food<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nOh. Oh I see. You\u2019re one of those armchair activists are ya? I know your type. You get mad about something that is happening but you don\u2019t do anything to help stop it.<\/p>\n

RODNEY:
\nBob Geldof wants to sort out famine in Africa, it doesn\u2019t mean he wants to bloody live there<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nStop moaning will ya, you\u2019re giving my arse a headache. You\u2019re feeling all right ain\u2019t ya? Not feeling ruff, ruff, ruff<\/p>\n

DEL LAUGHS AT HIS OWN JOKE AS MIKE SETS THE DRINKS ON THE BAR.<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nSet Rodney\u2019s down at the end of the bar will you please Michael<\/p>\n

MIKE PICKS IT UP AND DOES SO<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nGo on then. Fetch. I have a bit of business to discuss.<\/p>\n

RODNEY:
\nYou haven\u2019t heard the last of this<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nCor blimey, you\u2019re like a dog with a bone. Go on, off you go.<\/p>\n

RODNEY HEADS OFF<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nAnd oi! Don\u2019t be letting me catch you sniffing round any bums or I\u2019ll have you round the vets quicker than you can say \u201csnipped\u201d<\/p>\n

RODNEY GIVES DEL THE FINGER AND MOVES OFF<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nThat\u2019s charming that is<\/p>\n

MIKE:
\nThat\u2019s \u00a31.40 for the drinks<\/p>\n

DEL HANDS MIKE MONEY<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nAnd take one for yourself Michael<\/p>\n

MIKE:
\nCheers Del. So what\u2019s this bit of business?<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nWell Michael, how are you for tinned meat?<\/p>\n

MIKE:
\nNot interested<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nCome on now Michael, don\u2019t be a plonker all your life. That hot pot and stew you make up every day, it must cost you what, four maybe five quid a day in fresh meat? So lets say thirty quid a week. For thirty quid \u00a0I can let you have 150 tins of the highest quality tinned meat. Look here, 150 tins would do you what, two months, maybe more?<\/p>\n

MIKE:
\nI suppose<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nThink of all the money you could save. And you don\u2019t have to tell the wife or the brewery about it. You could have a couple of hundred sods on the hip to spend however you like.<\/p>\n

MIKE:
\nIt\u2019d be nice Del, I\u2019m not gonna lie. Is it safe? Last thing I need is the health inspector on my back<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nCourse its safe. What kind of bloke do you think I am? Rodney insisted on testing it himself before we sold one tin. Go on, ask him how his dinner was last night.<\/p>\n

MIKE:
\nRodney. How was your dinner last night?<\/p>\n

RODNEY: (O.O.V)
\nPiss off<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nSee, he loved it<\/p>\n

MIKE:
\nDidn\u2019t sound like it to me<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nThat\u2019s because he doesn\u2019t want me selling any, he loves the stuff so much. I\u2019ve got all my money tied up in it though, so if I don\u2019t get shot of it quick we\u2019ll starve.<\/p>\n

MIKE:
\nHow will you star\u2026<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nSeeing as how you\u2019re a mate, here is what I\u2019m going to do for you. You buy the 150 tins for \u00a330, and I\u2019ll throw in another 20 at no extra charge. Now you can\u2019t say fairer than that, can ya?<\/p>\n

MIKE:
\nYou\u2019ve got yourself a deal Derek<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nYou know it makes sense. I\u2019ll drop it round first thing in the morning, you can pay me then.<\/p>\n

DEL WALKS OVER TO RODNEY<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nCome on Rodders, drink up<\/p>\n

RODNEY:
\nWe\u2019ve only just got here<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nFine, you stay here. I was just thinking though, we\u2019ve done so well today that we could go back to the flat, put on our best whistle, splash of Brut and head up West to see if we can pick up a couple of sorts. Bit of dancing, a steak meal and who knows where it could lead.<\/p>\n

RODNEY:
\nYes Derek, I like it. Let\u2019s go.<\/p>\n

RODNEY HEADS OFF<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nAlthough with out luck it\u2019ll be a bit of dancing, a couple of tins of that dog food and we\u2019ll be taking them home on leads.<\/p>\n

RODNEY TURNS BACK<\/p>\n

RODNEY:
\nEh?<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nNuffink bruv. Come on. Avante! Avante!<\/p>\n

SCENE 3 \u2013 CLUB \u2013 LATE NIGHT<\/p>\n

DEL AND RODNEY SIT IN AN ALMOST EMPTY CLUB THAT IS PLAYING SOME CHEESY DISCO MUSIC. THERE IS A MAN STANDING AT THE BAR, A BARMAN AND A FEW COUPLES SCATTERED AROUND THE PLACE.<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nA right blinding night this has turned out to be. \u201cLet\u2019s go in here, this looks like a happening place\u201d you said. And what is happening? Nothing. It\u2019s emptier than Trigger\u2019s head in here.<\/p>\n

RODNEY:
\nI\u2019m sorry. How many times do I have to say it?<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nFive quid to get in and three quid a go for a round of drinks.<\/p>\n

RODNEY:
\nDon\u2019t go on about it will ya. Look, I\u2019ll buy you a drink, eh?<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nIt\u2019s about bleeding time you put your hand in your pocket<\/p>\n

RODNEY:
\nSame again?<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nYeah, go on<\/p>\n

RODNEY STARTS TO WALK AWAY AND THEN TURNS BACK<\/p>\n

RODNEY:
\nDel?<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nBaileys and cream soda, little dash of lime<\/p>\n

RODNEY:
\nNo it\u2019s not that<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nWhat is it then?<\/p>\n

RODNEY:
\nCan you lend me three quid<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nStone me. Look just sit down, I\u2019ll get the drinks.<\/p>\n

DEL HEADS TO THE BAR. THERE IS A WELL DRESSED MAN THERE.<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nGarcon, por fa vour sil vou plait<\/p>\n

THE BARMAN STICKS A HAND UP TO DEL TO TELL HIM TO WAIT<\/p>\n

EDDY:
\nYou might be waiting a while, he\u2019s trying to chat up that girl. I\u2019ve been getting the brush off from him for the last fifteen minutes.<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nWell if he\u2019s trying to chat up that little blonde girl I\u2019d most probably say you ain\u2019t his type<\/p>\n

EDDY:
\nNo, I mean he has been telling me to wait on ordering a drink<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nAh, I see what you mean. Here, I\u2019ll sort this out.<\/p>\n

DEL WHISTLES, THE BARMAN TURNS AROUND<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nA word in your shell like.<\/p>\n

THE BARMAN BEGRUDGLINGLY COMES OVER TO DEL. DEL LEANS IN AND WHISPERS IN HIS EAR .THE BARMAN LOOKS HORRIFIED AND THEN LOOKS OVER HIS SHOULDER. HE TURNS BACK TO THE DEL AND THE MAN AT THE BAR.<\/p>\n

BARMAN:
\nWhat can I get you gentlemen?<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nI\u2019ll have a\u2026 tequila and orange with a twist of lime and half a lager.<\/p>\n

EDDY:
\nA cr\u00e8me de menthe for me. And I\u2019m paying for these.<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nOh, that\u2019s very nice of you John.<\/p>\n

EDDY:
\nNot at all, I thought I was going to die of thirst there. What did you tell him?<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nI told him that my dopey brother pulled her last week and she turned out to be a man. It looks like the same thing happened to you<\/p>\n

EDDY:
\nWhat do you mean by that?<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nWell, in a bar with less people in it that at a Des O\u2019Connor gig, in a whistle like that. That ain\u2019t off the peg. Drinking on your own. The signs are all there.<\/p>\n

EDDY:
\nWhen you put it like that. But it\u2019s not a woman, it\u2019s a man.<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nOh so you ARE one of them them<\/p>\n

EDDY:
\nNo, no, you misunderstand me. I was waiting on a client and he didn\u2019t turn up.<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nOh yeah, what kind of business you in then?<\/p>\n

EDDY:
\nI\u2019m a promoter. I was waiting for a man to turn up, he was going to spar with one of my boxers<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nHow many do you have?<\/p>\n

EDDY:
\nHow many what?<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nBoxers<\/p>\n

EDDY:
\nEleven<\/p>\n

THE BARMAN PUTS THE DRINKS DOWN.<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nHave you really? I tell you what, this is your lucky day. I\u2019m in the pet food business, I can set you up with the highest quality dog food for low quality prices. It must set you back a little bit feeding eleven of them<\/p>\n

EDDY:
\nNo, you misunderstand, I\u2019m a sports promoter. I organise boxing matches. My star fighter has a big title fight next month and his regular sparring partner is\u2026 unavailable.<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nThat\u2019s all you need, eh?<\/p>\n

EDDY:
\nI really thought this one would turn up. I mean, five hundred pounds for 2 days work is quite a fair fee. Anyway, we\u2019re standing here talking and sharing a drink and I don\u2019t even know your name<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nDerek Trotter, but everyone calls me Del<\/p>\n

EDDY:
\nWell Del, it\u2019s a pleasure to meet you, I\u2019m Eddy B\u2026<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nHow much?!<\/p>\n

EDDY:
\nSorry?<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nHow much did you say you were paying this bloke that didn\u2019t turn up?<\/p>\n

EDDY:
\nFive hundred pounds<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nI thought that\u2019s what you said. I tell you what, let\u2019s drink these and go on to this little Indian I know. We can sit down and have a proper discussion. I might be able to help you out.<\/p>\n

EDDY:
\nOh, how is that?<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nI have an idea, and it\u2019s a knockout<\/p>\n

DEL LOOKS TOWARDS RODNEY AND SMILES. HE THEN RAISES HIS GLASS TOWARDS THE MAN<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nCheers<\/p>\n

SCENE 4 \u2013 INT: FLAT \u2013 EARLY MORNING<\/p>\n

DEL ENTERS THE LIVING ROOM FROM THE KITCHEN AND GOES TO THE DOORS LEADING TO THE BEDROOMS<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nCome on Rodney, time to get up you lazy little git, your breakfast is gonna get cold<\/p>\n

ALBERT ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM<\/p>\n

ALBERT:
\nWhat\u2019s with all the shouting, it\u2019s only five o\u2019clock? Are you just getting in?<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nNo of course not. I\u2019ve been in at least half an hour.<\/p>\n

ALBERT:
\nYou wanna watch yourself son, it\u2019s not good for you staying out boozing all night.<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nI haven\u2019t been boozing all night. While you were dreaming about one of the many times you were sunk, I was out making deals.<\/p>\n

ALBERT:
\nWho were you making deals with in the middle of the night, the boogeyman?<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nYou know, for a man who was rescued from the water in almost every part of the world, you know very little about it. It may have been the middle of the night here, but in China, Australia, New Zealand and all that, they were in the middle of their working day. Yuppies like me have to have our fingers on the pulse at all times or we can miss that one deal that will make us millionaires. He who sleeps, can\u2019t afford to eat, that\u2019s my motto. Speaking of that<\/p>\n

DEL GOES BACK TO THE DOOR TO THE BEDROOMS<\/p>\n

DEL:
\nThis is your final call Rodney or I\u2019m coming in there to shove one of Albert\u2019s socks in your mouth<\/p>

\n