{"id":7942,"date":"2020-03-30T16:19:24","date_gmt":"2020-03-30T15:19:24","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.ofah.net\/blog\/?p=7942"},"modified":"2020-03-30T16:38:14","modified_gmt":"2020-03-30T15:38:14","slug":"only-fools-and-horses-fan-script-deaf-wish","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.ofah.net\/blog\/only-fools-and-horses-fan-script-deaf-wish\/","title":{"rendered":"Only Fools and Horses Fan script : DEAF WISH"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Deaf Wish is an Only Fools and Horses Fan script by Vin Hatcher<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Based on characters by John Sullivan<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"Deaf-Wish\"<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

SCENE 1<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

INT. Trotters\u2019 flat, Nelson Mandela House<\/em>
Grandad is asleep in chair. Two TVs are on but no one’s watching. Rodney is sitting on settee, looking at a men’s magazine Del walks in, goes to look at himself in mirror, to adjust his tie; he is going out for the evening<\/em>
<\/p>\n\n\n\n

RODNEY You going out, Del?
DEL (tuts) No I’m getting ready to put the bin down the chute! Course I’m going out!
RODNEY Oh
DEL (whispers) Anyway, keep your voice down, you might wake Grandad
RODNEY Wake him up! He\u2019s dead to the world, he is. You’d need an atomic
bomb blast to wake him up!
DEL Yeah, well, be considerate to your grandad, Rodney
RODNEY Honestly, Del, he don’t hear nothing when he’s snoozing; in fact he
don’t hear nothing when he’s awake!
DEL Yeah, he is getting a bit mutt\u2019n these days inn \u2018e?
RODNEY A bit mutt\u2019n? It’s like talking to Trigger, sometimes, the response you get out of him
DEL Yeah, bless him, it’s probably earwax causing it?
RODNEY Earwax? If it is, then he’s got more wax in that head of \u2018is than they got down Madame Tussauds!
DEL Aah, poor old soul. Do you know what? I think I’ll have a word with Monkey Harris. He might be able to flog me something to help him; one of them deaf-aids or something?
RODNEY Derek, he should see an audiologist
DEL An audi\u2026what? He’s not dying, Rodney!
RODNEY No, an audiologist, a hearing doctor, someone\u2026. qualified
DEL Oh right. No, no need for that. I’ll get him something, don’t you worry
Rodney\u2026.\u2019Ere\u2026I’ve got an idea\u2026. let’s see how bad he really is? Turn them
tellies off, see if he notices?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Rodney turns both TV\u2019s off. Grandad carries on snoozing.<\/em>
DEL Blimey, nothing! He’s away with the fairies!
RODNEY Told ya
DEL Alright, Rodders, I’m off down the Berni Inn now. I’m having a Steak du
Jour, tonight
RODNEY Oh yeah,who with?
DEL A right tasty sort from over Desmond Tutu House
RODNEY Oh, what’s her name?
DEL (enthusiastically) Tracy, with a \u2018y\u2019
RODNEY She sounds stylish, Del
DEL Bonnet de douche, Rodders, Bonnet de douche! (kisses his fingers in
gesture)
RODNEY Well, have a good night
DEL Cheers! Right, see you later\u2026..\u2019ere, whose is this Tenner on the table? (points to a \u00a310 note on the dining table)<\/em>
GRANDAD It’s mine!
DEL (looks around the room, bemused) Who said that?
(Grandad looks like he\u2019s still sleeping)<\/em>
DEL Is it yours, Rodders?
GRANDAD It\u2019s mine!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

DEL Rodney, you said that without moving your lips!
RODNEY That weren’t me, Del, that was Grandad
DEL Oh you \u2018eard that alright, then? That’s your tenner there, is it?
(Grandad opens one eye)<\/em>
GRANDAD You leave that alone. I need that for the morning.
DEL Alright, don’t worry. I ain’t taking it. I just wondered whose it was, that was all
GRANDAD Eh?
DEL I said I just wondered whose\u2026
GRANDAD Eh?
DEL Oh, \u2018ere we go again\u2026
DEL (to Rodney) I really must see Monkey, tomorrow, about that deaf-aid.
DEL Ta-la, Grandad, I’m off out
GRANDAD Eh?
DEL (louder) Never mind! (to Rodney) See you later. Look after the deaf old coot, will ya?
RODNEY Yeah, course, see you Del<\/p>\n\n\n\n

SCENE 2.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Next day, lunchtime
INT Nag\u2019s Head Mike at bar, a few regulars around. Del enters<\/em>
DEL Alright, Mike? How’s things?
MIKE Not bad, Del. How are you?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

DEL Creme Brulee, Mike, Creme Brulee, as they say
MIKE Do they?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

DEL Yeah. Tell you what, I just had some right results. I\u2019m now dealing in top-of- the-range Betamax video recorders<\/p>\n\n\n\n

MIKE Video recorders, eh? I\u2019d like one of them, meself, Del. I was thinking
of going to the High Street this weekend to buy one
DEL Nah, you don’t want to do that, Mike. Stick with me. I’ll see you right.
I’ve a very reputable supplier in the wholesale trade who does me a very good deal, enabling me to sell to my customers at knock-down bargain prices
MIKE Great. When can you get me one then?
DEL Well, as it happens, Denzil\u2019s firm is doing another delivery up West, this afternoon, so I should be able to get you one for tomorrow!
MIKE Nice one. Thanks, Del
DEL Well I think I’ll have a quick Creme de Menthe and one of your steak and kidney pies, Mike. Then I must shoot off; gotta see a man about a hearing aid
MIKE Hearing aid? You going a bit Mutt\u2019n Jeff, Del?
DEL No, not me, it’s for Grandad. He’s deaf as a post, these days. He’s driving us all potty at home, y\u2019 know?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

MIKE Oh dear, sorry to hear that, Del
DEL Well at least you could hear it, Mike, which is more than he can do these days!
(They both laugh. Del takes a swig of drink)<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

SCENE 3<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Trotters\u2019 flat. That evening
INT. (Del, Rodney and Grandad have just had dinner. Grandad is wearing his hearing aid; he is clearing away the plates)<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

DEL Thanks, Grandad, for another splendid plate of\u2026 er\u2026er\u2026 whatever that was? Lovely Jubbly!
GRANDAD Eh?
DEL (to Rodney) Oh, gawd, \u2018ere we go again. I’m sure he just cops a deaf\u2019un on purpose, sometimes
RODNEY Turn it on (points)
GRANDAD Eh?
RODNEY (gesturing) Turn\u2026 on\u2026 your.. (points to it)\u2026 hearing\u2026 aid
(Grandad puts down plate and switches it on)<\/em>
GRANDAD Alright, Rodney, I might be going a bit deaf but I ain’t bleedin\u2019 stupid!
RODNEY Well, why don’t you keep it switched on, then?
GRANDAD Well, I’m saving the battery, int\u2019I?
DEL Well don’t worry about that, you silly old sod, just keep it on all
the time so we can\u2026 you know\u2026 comoonicate!
GRANDAD Alright, Del, I will
(Grandad exits to kitchen with the plates)<\/em>
DEL (to Rodney) I don’t believe him, sometimes, I really don’t believe him! (tuts)
Anyway, I must be off out, now. Second date with \u2018Tracy\u2019 (shrugs neck in Del-boy style)<\/em>
RODNEY With a \u2018y\u2019?
DEL Yes, that’s her
RODNEY It must be love?
DEL You never know, bruv, you just never know
RODNEY Wedding bells?
DEL I don’t know about that. Her husband might have a few objections!
RODNEY You take the biscuit, you do, Del. You don’t have take some chances<\/p>\n\n\n\n

DEL \u2018E who dares wins, Rodders!
RODNEY Oh, by the way, I’ve got Mickey and Jevon coming round tonight. We’re going to watch a video. You don’t mind if we use the Betamax do yer?
DEL No, that’s fine. As long as you’re careful with it? I might have a buyer for that one, soon. I promised it to a mate of Boycie\u2019s. He\u2019s after a nice Betamax video recorder. If the price is right, he’ll have it.
RODNEY Ok, t\u2019riffic, thanks
DEL \u2018Ere what film you watching?
RODNEY Oh, Death Wish 2. We borrowed it from the video shop
DEL Not one of them \u2018vigilante\u2019 films?
RODNEY That’s right
DEL Well, don’t go upsetting Grandad will yer? He might not want to see all that violence on the tellies
RODNEY Well, if he don’t, he can just go straight to bed can\u2019t he?
DEL Alright, alright. Stay lucky (puts on coat) (shouts) Ta-la, Grandad!
GRANDAD (from kitchen) Ok, Del. Ta-la, have a good evening!
DEL Blimey, he heard me! Told you \u2018e didn’t need no gynaecologist
RODNEY No\u2026audiolo.. oh\u2026never mind\u2026 it don’t matter. Have a good night<\/p>\n\n\n\n

SCENE 4<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

INT. Trotters\u2019 flat
(Slightly later in the evening. Rodney, Mickey and Jevon are sitting watching the Death Wish 2 video. Grandad is also there, reading the newspaper, quietly)<\/em>
RODNEY (to Mickey) Oh, what’s he going to do with that monkey wrench?
MICKEY Whack the bad guy, I suppose, Rodney
JEVON Yeah, give him what for, eh?<\/p>

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