{"id":936,"date":"2010-01-04T20:06:04","date_gmt":"2010-01-04T20:06:04","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/ofah.webhostingireland.ie\/blog\/?p=936"},"modified":"2016-01-23T14:31:45","modified_gmt":"2016-01-23T14:31:45","slug":"a-christmas-carol","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.ofah.net\/blog\/a-christmas-carol\/","title":{"rendered":"A Christmas Carol"},"content":{"rendered":"
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ONLY FOOLS AND HORSES<\/h2>\n

Fictional Reality \u2013\u00a0A Christmas Carol<\/strong><\/h2>\n

By Jimmy<\/a><\/p>\n

\"\"Download Script (58K)<\/a><\/p>\n

Only Fools and Horses was dead: to begin with.<\/p>\n

That must be perfectly understood or nothing wonderful can come from this story.<\/p>\n

David Jason himself had told the cast there\u2019d never be another episode, and his word was as good as anything he chose to act upon. Tired and now irritated with the part, he\u2019d shelved Del-Boy for good. His latter day parts were now his idols, he was as frosty as Frost and his \u2018Quest\u2019 was that Del-boy would never see the light of day again. Only Fools and Horses was as dead as a door-nail.<\/p>\n

Ever mindful though, despite playing the part a mere handful of times in as many years, David was reminded of it constantly, wherever he went. And though he\u2019d grown a beard, full and grey, and was fully buttoned and scarfed up against the winters cold, still came the cries as he walked now, along the Woolworth road on Christmas Eve.<\/p>\n

\u201cOi, Del-boy!\u201d came yet another playful voice, \u201cwhere\u2019s Rodney?\u201d<\/p>\n

David continued his walk, ignoring the man across the road, another poor fool. One more unfortunate loser who simply couldn\u2019t let go of the past. He redoubled his steps, getting away as quickly as possible without looking back, he wanted to be alone with his own thoughts. He had a new series coming up, a fresh interest. He wanted to focus on that. He needed no distractions.<\/p>\n

\u201cDel-Boy!\u201d Came another cry, this time the voice was in front of him.<\/p>\n

David closed his eyes and cursed. \u201cBah, scumbag!\u201d he uttered under his breath, preparing to give full vent to his feelings this time. But as he looked up he checked himself. There before him, silhouetted against the lamplight in the cold winters evening was John Sullivan. A physically cold yet inwardly warm John Sullivan, smiling and thrusting out a friendly arm in salutation.<\/p>\n

David extended his own arm, though the offer was limp in comparison. Even so, John almost snatched it off one swoop, shaking it with vehemence and gusto with both of his.<\/p>\n

\u201cGreat to see you!\u201d he said, still shaking away with fervour, \u201cfancy bumping into you David. Merry Christmas.\u201d<\/p>\n

David nodded and smiled feebly, hardly meeting his gaze. \u201cWorking on anything John?\u201d he offered tamely.<\/p>\n

John mentioned a few things he had in the pipeline but played them down somewhat. Whether they were bad ideas or not wasn\u2019t clear. Besides, David didn\u2019t look particularly bothered one way or the other anyway – checking and rechecking his watch he was clearly keen to get away.<\/p>\n

\u201cAt this festive occasion,\u201d said John, smiling excitedly as he thought of something, \u201cI\u2019ve started to put together another Christmas episode of Only\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cStop!\u201d David shouted abruptly, raising his hands in indignant protest, \u201cBefore you go on any further, just stop.\u201d He looked at John, raising his finger, \u201cNo more Del Boy!\u201d he hissed, \u201cI told you before.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut the people still want to see it,\u201d argued John, \u201cit\u2019s as much a part of Christmas as\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGetting pissed?\u201d David snapped. \u201cSorry,\u201d he continued after a pause, \u201cbut it\u2019s all in the past.\u201d He looked directly at John now, \u201cIt\u2019s over!\u201d he added firmly.<\/p>\n

\u201cBut the supporting cast?\u201d John pleaded, \u201cthey rely on Christmas Fools and Horses.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat am I, a charity case?\u201d interrupted David, \u201cAre there no pantomimes they could be doing?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cPlenty of pantomimes,\u201d said John, rather abashed, \u201cI wish I could say there were not.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd the OFAH convention?\u201d demanded David, raising his eye-brows, \u201cStill in operation?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBoth very busy David.\u201d<\/p>\n

David was more genial now, smiling even. \u201cOh, I was afraid, from what you first said,\u201d he went on, \u201cthat there was something that had stopped them in their useful operation.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut many don\u2019t like panto David,\u201d pleaded John, once again, \u201cand some would rather die.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell what has that got to do with me?\u201d said David disdainfully, losing patience, \u201cOr anyone else for that matter? If they would rather die then let them do it. Decrease the surplus actors union.\u201d He looked up, his humour lightening for a moment, \u201cget a bit more \u2018equity\u2019 for Equity<\/em>, eh?\u201d<\/p>\n

David laughed dryly at his own humour. John looked at him sadly and shook his head.<\/p>\n

\u201cTake my card anyway,\u201d he said resignedly, \u201cand give me a call if you change your mind.\u201d<\/p>\n

Without pausing further to offer the compliments of the season other than the briefest of nods, John bent his head against the chill wind and continued on his way.<\/p>\n

David watched after him, albeit briefly, then glanced at the card. He sneered, laughed scornfully and thrust it hastily it into his coat pocket. \u201cSomeone else stuck in the past,\u201d he muttered to himself, shaking his head. He continued his walk home, \u201cI\u2019ll retire to Bedlam!\u201d<\/p>\n

By the time David finally arrived home he was in a foul mood, three more salutations for \u2018Del-boy\u2019 had been given as he walked the rest of the way. In his haste to be indoors he struggled in bad temper with the front door key and the latch, becoming even more impatient as he did so. The more he struggled, the more the door refused to give.<\/p>\n

\u201cA door saved my life once,\u201d came a voice suddenly.<\/p>\n

David was startled, the voice was familiar. He recoiled from the door and looked around. Who\u2019d said that? He glanced around perplexed and watchful but there was nobody there. Now in more of a panic to get in he added the weight of his shoulder against the door. It gave way suddenly, yielding as easily as it had been resistant before. He stumbled inside and, shaking slightly, locked and bolted the doors behind him as quickly as his trembling fingers would allow him to. He saw a face reflected in the windowpane, a withered pace with a sickly smile. He turned in an instant to challenge any newcomer but the room was clearly empty. He breathed in deeply, regained his composure slightly and walked as calmly as he could into the lounge room. There, stood before him, was an unexpected sight indeed!<\/p>\n

\u201cAll right Del-boy?\u201d said Grandad.<\/p>\n

David stared, transfixed at the figure of Grandad. So long since he\u2019d seen him! So easily recognisable now, exactly as he had remembered him! The disgusting, all-purpose pyjama-tops notwithstanding, there were equal good measures of general neglect and bone-idle can\u2019t-be-bothered-ness about his dress \u2013 all combining to produce that truly wonderful effect of overall shabbiness. The hat, a permanent fixture even indoors; the purposeless and stained \u2018a la Albert Steptoe\u2019 neckerchief (only Grandad\u2019s was far shabbier); the grubby, buttonless cardigan, tied together with bits of string. Smiling inanely through the entire shambles was Grandad himself.<\/p>\n

If he were not startled enough already, a glance to his right was even more disconcerting. Standing next to Grandad, smiling that daft, half-expectant smile of his was none less that Uncle Albert: Typically \u2018un\u2019resplendent in his tacky Navy slacks, his beard though as bushy and white as ever.\u00a0 David looked from one to the other in turn, trying to fathom some semblance of sense from the situation.<\/p>\n

His confusion amused them both but Albert especially. He laughed his laugh, \u201cher-her,\u201d it came, his bald head wobbling like it does. \u201cHer-her,\u201d he laughed again.<\/p>\n

David wanted to salute them in some way; he\u2019d missed them both, but how? Should he call them by their real names? They were dressed in character and he didn\u2019t wish to offend. Could you offend a ghost? he wondered. \u201cBut you\u2019re dead!\u201d he said simply, stuck for anything better to say.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019re the spirit of Christmas Fools and Horses past,\u201d said Grandad, \u201cwe live on as long as people love and remember us.\u201d<\/p>\n

David nodded and smiled in acknowledgement but his look was uncomfortable.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019ve not been sent out of sentiment Del,\u201d added Albert, \u201cbut you must rekindle your belief in yourself.\u201d<\/p>\n

David turned away, shaking his head vehemently.<\/p>\n

\u201cP\u2019raps he don\u2019t believe in us,\u201d said Grandad, \u201cp\u2019raps he don\u2019t believe in ghosties and ghoulies and things?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat a load of old cobblers!\u201d snapped David.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s more like it Del!\u201d observed Albert, smiling knowingly as David turned and met his glance.<\/p>\n

\u201cCome on, Del. Rise, and walk with us,\u201d pleaded Grandad, kindly.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhere?\u201d asked David.<\/p>\n

\u201cTo your salvation and reclamation,\u201d said Grandad.<\/p>\n

Just as David went to protest against being patronised the room shook violently, before he could utter a word of question they\u2019d passed straight through the walls and found themselves standing in The Nag\u2019s Head public house. Rodney, Del, Grandad and Reg were playing cards at one of the tables.<\/p>\n

\u201cThese are the shadows of things that have been, and have no consciousness of us,\u201d reassured Grandad, \u201cSo until Hank Marvin gives us a tug we\u2019ll keep on worrying shall we?\u201d he added, smiling.<\/p>\n

Del looked across to the table where Reg was dealing the cards.<\/p>\n

\u201cRodney\u2026Dad\u2026Kimosabe!\u201d<\/em> The rest of the dialogue was drowned in the sound of audience laughter. Del looked around but there was no one else there, the laughter was coming from \u2018nowhere\u2019.<\/p>\n

\u201cDo you remember this one Del-boy?\u201d asked Grandad.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell of course I do,\u201d said David, \u201cThicker than water…\u201d he thought for a moment, looking at Reg, \u201cand I still say he looked nothing like me.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNothing like you<\/em>, you mean? Or Del-boy?\u2019 probed Grandad, smiling again, \u201cor both?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, you know what I mean!\u201d said David, waving him away.<\/p>\n

\u201cJust half hour specials in my day Del-boy. Sometime not even that. Remember this?\u201d<\/p>\n

David looked up and smiled as he beheld a youthful looking Rodney Trotter, talking to a vicar. \u201cChristmas Trees,\u201d he said, grinning,\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019d forgotten all about this one.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI have become dismayed,\u201d said the vicar, \u201ceven shocked by the attitude of youth, but today you walked into this church and offered us this tree simply because you care. You have rekindled my faith in the human race.<\/em>\u201d He smiled. \u201cIt\u2019s not nicked is it?\u201d<\/p>\n

They all laughed as they watched on.<\/p>\n

\u201cI weren\u2019t in all that many Christmas Specials Del-boy,\u201d said Grandad, \u201cYour Uncle\u2019ll take you through the others.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut you can stay for a bit though can\u2019t you?\u201d urged David hopefully. He made a grab at Grandad\u2019s lapel but his hand went straight through and clutched at nothing. Grandad smiled.<\/p>\n

\u201cPlease don\u2019t go yet!\u2019<\/p>\n

Grandad smiled again and waved; his image began to fade slowly, he winked. He\u2019d almost disappeared completely. \u201cI\u2019m orf nah, see ya later.\u201d he said. Then he was gone.<\/p>\n

David looked at Albert, slightly dejected, \u201cSoppy old sod.\u201d He said.<\/p>\n

\u201cDo you miss him Del?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, er no,\u201d David faltered, \u201clisten, this is stupid. And quit calling me Del. Look! Del don\u2019t exist. He\u2019s made up. He\u2019s a character.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIf you say so Del.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, give me strength someone will you. Spirit of bleedin\u2019 Fools and Horses past!\u201d<\/p>\n

Albert ignored him. \u201cThis is the first one I was in, look.\u201d<\/p>\n

David turned reluctantly; he was in for another surprise. He looked around in astonishment. Now he found himself surrounded by sea, and all of a sudden lost his balance. He held his hand out instinctively to steady himself. He was on board The Inga<\/em>.<\/p>\n

\u201cRobin Hood, Robin Hood, wiv his band o\u2019 men\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n

David looked over at his alter ego singing and smiled in spite of himself.<\/p>\n

\u201cSomething of a favourite this one,\u201d said Albert, looking up, \u201camong the fans I mean.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, it had something,\u201d admitted David, \u201cit was our first feature length.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWasn\u2019t so easy smuggling them diamonds.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo,\u201d agreed David, laughing as he remembered something, \u201ccertainly not as easy as apple tart, eh?\u201d<\/p>\n

Albert smiled, nodded and indicated behind David\u2019s shoulder. The routine was becoming more familiar to him now; he turned round slowly and, as he\u2019d expected, found himself somewhere else. What he hadn\u2019t expected was what he saw, a whole array of Del-boys before his eyes, spinning in a kaleidoscope of sound and as vision.<\/p>\n

There was Del talking to the Duke of Maylebury; \u201c\u2026like the Mona Lisa, with the energetic smile, you don\u2019t know whether she\u2019s smiling or sucking a sweet.\u201d\u00a0 The vicar from Trigger\u2019s Cousin Lisa\u2019s Wedding, \u201cHas it received a whack of any kind?\u201d Interspersed were other conversations with other characters: He saw an upset Rodney in a nightclub, \u201cI\u2019m gonna find a little bloke and have a fight.\u201d Boycie explaining how Del got black-balled when joining the masons, \u201cPut it this way Derek, have you ever seen the bottom of a rabbit hutch?\u201d In the middle of them all was Tony from the Nag\u2019s head, singing his rendition of Old Shep.<\/p>\n

\u201cOld Shep!\u201d laughed David. \u201cHey, shouldn\u2019t Grandad have been here for that one?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGrandad?\u201d questioned Albert, \u201cI thought he was just a character?\u201d<\/p>\n

David shook his head but was still smiling. \u201cYes, all right,\u201d he said, \u201cand I see yours has lost none of it\u2019s craftiness!\u2019<\/p>\n

\u201cThis was my favourite Del.\u201d Albert broke into a full military salute, as if he was honouring royalty, \u201cI think it\u2019s everyone\u2019s classic.\u201d<\/p>\n

The sound of an explosion got David\u2019s attention. \u201cIt\u2019s the coach-busters!\u201d said Mickey Pearce. Everybody\u2019s talking at me<\/em> played as all the jolly boys skylarked at the fair. And there was Mrs Creswell look! Scowling with her arms folded, then Rodney kicking the football; \u201c\u2026Ruud Gullet, nowhere.\u201d The Great Raymondo doing a disappearing act, \u201cYou could do a lot worse than that!\u201d he was told. \u201cChuck him on the back-seat?\u201d said the indignant Boycie, \u201cHe\u2019s the driver!\u201d \u201cI have not got a disease!\u201d pleaded the desperate Denzil as the bell clanged and chimed out. \u201cUnclean! Unclean!\u201d it said. And Trigger was there too, of course he was. Wandering back and forth with his dolphin under his arm then looking for a motel as they wouldn\u2019t know he didn\u2019t have a car; Mike shaking hands with Eddie Chambers, and then washing his hands again<\/em>; An assertive though mistaken Rodney, \u2018running something by\u2019 Steven. Landing himself in hot water \u2018for sure\u2019.<\/p>\n

David laughed at the memories. \u201cIt didn\u2019t get any better than this Unc,\u201d he said with conviction, \u201cwhich I think was half the trouble. How could we hope to keep it up to that<\/em> standard?\u201d<\/p>\n

Albert smiled but didn\u2019t answer.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell,\u201d said David, shrugging his shoulders casually, \u201cwe were all very busy by then I s\u2019pose, and once the series themselves were over it was never really quite the same.\u201d He thought for a moment. \u201cPerhaps we should have left it there?\u201d<\/p>\n

There was nothing for David to see now; the shadows of what had been were gone. Unconsciously, he fiddled with his fingers, still deep in his own thoughts. \u201cAt least,\u201d he said at last, \u201cwe should have left it after the last Trilogy. After they got the money from the watch. We shouldn\u2019t have brought them back after that. It should have been the end.\u201d He nodded to himself in his own agreement but becoming conscious that he\u2019d received no reply, turned to inquire for one. There was nobody there. \u201cThat\u2019s the spirit \u2018spirit\u2019s\u2019,\u201d he laughed aloud, \u201cyou just leave me here with my own thoughts.\u201d He smiled. \u201cGits!\u201d he added. He looked around him, searching hopefully for a response. He looked behind him, then skywards; a final glance all around him once again. He was alone, no response was coming.<\/p>\n

The longer he remained alone with his thoughts the more David was inclined to believe it was all an elaborate joke. \u201cThis has to be a wind-up,\u201d he said aloud for his own benefit, \u201canything else would be plain ridiculous. What next?\u201d he speculated in jest, \u201cTrigger as the ghost of Christmas present?\u201d He laughed at his own suggestion, \u201cIs it gonna be you Trig?\u201d he offered as a challenge, though there was clearly no-one there, \u201cat least there might be a chance of getting called Dave!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou are advised,\u201d came a voice suddenly, \u201cthat what you have seen and are about to witness is neither astrology nor fortune telling.\u201d<\/p>\n

David wheeled around but could see nothing. \u201cWho\u2019s there?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat you are about to see are the shadows of this Christmas,\u201d said the voice, \u201cthere will be materialisation as well my gift of paranormal perception.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI know you,\u201d said David, \u201cyou\u2019re the woman who played Elsie Partridge.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou would do well to listen to advice you have already received,\u201d warned the voice, \u201cI will repeat again. We are the spirits of Only Fools and Horses. Our characters live in the spirit of those who believe in us still. Do you believe in us or not?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI do, I do,\u201d stammered David, \u201cI must.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThen tell me who I am.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re Elsie Partridge.\u201d<\/p>\n

As David said the words a ray of bent-sinister light shone across the room, highlighting the dust in its sheen. The light grew sharper and stronger, visibly paining David\u2019s eyes. He squinted to see better. Gradually the light faded and there before him stood Elsie Partridge, just as he\u2019d remembered her.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re mother has been watching over you,\u201d she said kindly, \u201cshe has seen If They Could See Us Now<\/em>, she knows you tried your best. But never mind.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cExactly! Yet another reason for burying the show,\u201d explained David, \u201cit\u2019s been nothing but slated since we brought it back.\u201d<\/p>\n

Elsie was carrying a large wicker basket, the type that could be used for shopping. She reached in and produced a large scroll of paper.<\/p>\n

\u201cThere are some that have complained I\u2019ll grant you.\u201d She ceded, \u201cOne opinion here of \u2018Dire\u2019,\u201d she indicated a comment on the scroll, \u201cand here, \u2018the show contrived and Rodney has a posh accent\u2019. Another asks vehemently for it to be put to rest. One further asking why we still have to face Only Fools and Horses every Christmas.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell there you are then!\u201d said David.<\/p>\n

Elsie took a purposeful step closer to him, eyeing him heavily and demanding attention. \u201cHow very sad that true loyalty should earn respect only when it suits and encourages your own personal whim and fancy!\u201d She shook her head sadly, \u201cThis,\u201d she indicated the scroll again with a delicate brush of her hand, \u201cis a comprehensive list of sentiment.\u201d she continued. \u201cOnly when taken in its entirety is a full picture painted.\u201d<\/p>

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