Catch Me If You Can

Only Fools And Horses – Catch Me If You Can (2012)

Takes place before Danger UXD and after Yuppy Love.

When Rodney returns home with some goods Trigger gave him. Del is instantly suspicious, Rodney proud that he can make business arrangements asks Del if he can have a higher position in the business, when Del refuses, Rodney wrecks the entirety of Del’s stock in anger, leaving Del furious.

INT – TROTTER’S FLAT – EVENING.
Del is shouting down the phone at someone. Rodney is half asleep at the table and Albert is at the chair reading a newspaper.

DEL: Listen, no listen mate. This stock is the best going yet, I’m not reducing my prices.
RODNEY: Del, will you shut up and stop shouting.
DEL: Rodders, this is my business, this call is important!
RODNEY: You mean ‘our’ business?
DEL: Ey?

Rodney sighs.

DEL (Con’t): He’s hung up. What a berk!
ALBERT: Not surprised, you honestly don’t expect people to buy those hats?
DEL: Why not Unc? There is nothing wrong with ’em!
RODNEY: Let me see those hats.
DEL: Why?
RODNEY: I want to look at them.

Del passes Rodney the hats and Rodney starts laughing.

ALBERT: What’s wrong with him?
DEL: He just looked at his face in the mirror.
RODNEY: Del, these are horrendous. Why don’t you give ’em away free ey?
ALBERT: No-one would take them even if they were free.
DEL: SHUT UP UNC, DON’T GET INVOLVED.
RODNEY: Don’t take it out on Albert Del, just because you picked up some dodgy, rubbish stock!
DEL: I’ve had enough of you Rodney, you’re supposed to support me, you are my partner!
RODNEY: I’m just saying the truth Del.
DEL: Well don’t, alright?

Del walks off in to the Kitchen.

RODNEY: Mardy git!
ALBERT: You know Rodney, during the war…
RODNEY: Albert, have I heard this one before?
ALBERT: No. Well basically me and my mate Pippa.
RODNEY: Pippa?
ALBERT: Yeah Pippa. We were in the bunkers at night when we heard this eerie noise outside.

Del walks in from the kitchen, interrupting Albert.

DEL: Story time with Uncle Albert is it?
RODNEY: It’s a good one this Del.
ALBERT: He was half asleep, I was awake pretty much, I went to investigate and guess what I discovered?
DEL AND RODNEY (Intrigued): What?
ALBERT: Nothing.

There is an awkward silence, that is the story.

RODNEY: Is that it?
ALBERT: Yeah.
RODNEY: Oh I give up really I do. What has that got to do with anything?

Del shakes his head.

INT – NAG’S HEAD – AFTERNOON
Rodney is in the Nag’s Head with Denzil.

DENZIL: Where is Del Rodney?
RODNEY: He didn’t fancy coming down today, he feels a bit groggy.

Trigger walks in.

TRIGGER: DAVE!
RODNEY: Alright Trig?
TRIGGER: Yeah, where is Del?
RODNEY: At home.
TRIGGER: I might as well ask you then, do you want to buy these shoes?
RODNEY: How much Trig.
TRIGGER: I don’t know.
RODNEY: What do you mean you don’t know.

Denzil shakes his head at them both whilst he reads the newspaper.

TRIGGER: Well what you offering?
RODNEY: A score?
TRIGGER: Deal.

Rodney returns home, with several boxes of shoes.

INT – TROTTER’S FLAT – AFTERNOON.
Rodney walks in with stock, much to Del and Albert’s surprise.

DEL: What are them?
RODNEY: Shoes.
DEL: Shoes? You have bought shoes.
RODNEY: Yeah I thought they’d be a good seller!
DEL: You little plonker!
ALBERT: I’ll have some Rodney.
RODNEY: They are not free Unc.
ALBERT: Good, didn’t want any in the first place.
DEL: Rodney, why do you never think about these things. Who in their right mind would purchase some boxes of shoes?
ALBERT: Him.
DEL: Who did you get ’em from anyway?
RODNEY: Trigger.
DEL: I’ve heard it all now.
RODNEY: You never have any faith in me Del, these could be a good seller.
DEL: Let me look at ’em.

Rodney passes Del some of the shoes, Del stares in dis-belief and shakes his head.

RODNEY: I want a higher position in this partnership Del.
DEL: Ey?
RODNEY: I’m sick of being a lookout or any other small job, I want a main role in the partnership and a fair share.
DEL: You can do one!
RODNEY: I’ve been with you for years now.
DEL: You’re not experienced enough yet.
ALBERT: And you just ruined your chances buying those shoes.
RODNEY: SHUT UP ALBERT!
DEL: Ey, ey! It’s not Albert’s fault.
RODNEY: I’m going to bed, NIGHT.

Rodney storms off to his room.

DEL: I don’t believe him sometimes, what a wally.
ALBERT: You need to believe in him a bit more Del.
DEL: How can I when he comes home with some retro shoes, who he bought from Trigger, I mean Trigger out of all people.

INT – TROTTER’S FLAT – EARLY IN THE MORNING.
Del and Albert are not to be seen. Rodney is sat at the table looking around the room.

RODNEY: I really want to break something.

Rodney accidentally knocks off some Glasses Del bought.

RODNEY: Oops.

This encourages him to wreck the room. He then leaves, running out sharpish. Albert can be heard groaning in the Hallway as he walks into the Living Room, as he walks in he notices the mess.

ALBERT: DEL! DEL BOY?!
DEL: WHAT?
ALBERT: Out here, quick.

Del comes out of his room.

DEL: What?
ALBERT: Look.
DEL: Have we been robbed. Rodney. Rodney! Go and wake Rodders up.
ALBERT: RODNEY, RODNEY. I can’t hear him Del.
DEL: I bet it’s that little plonker, he’s gone and wrecked the stock.
ALBERT: Well at least he left the shoes Del.
DEL: Shut up Albert!

Del looks out of the window.

DEL: He’s only gone and took the van.
ALBERT: You want some breakfast?
DEL: No, I need to go and look for that plonker.

INT – NAG’S HEAD – MIDDLE OF THE DAY.
Del walks in, looking for Rodney.

DEL: Have you seen Rodders Boyce?
BOYCIE: No, why?
DEL: The dopey little bark went and smashed up my stock.

Boycie laughs.

DEL (Con’t): It’s not funny Boycie.
BOYCIE: It is. Your stock is worthless anyway Del, so it doesn’t matter really.
DEL: You don’t half have some cheek Boycie.

Del goes to talk to Mike.

MIKE: You okay Del?
DEL: No I’m not, have you seen Rodney today?
MIKE: Yeah, he popped in earlier, looked a little worried.
DEL: He better be, wait till I get my hands on the little plonker.
MIKE: What has he done?
DEL: Whilst me and Albert were asleep, he decided to wreck the room and the new stock I bought.

Mike laughs.

DEL (Con’t): Why is everyone finding it funny, it is not.
MIKE: Sorry Del.

INT – TROTTER’S FLAT – AFTERNOON.
Del walks in, Rodney is sat on the chair.

DEL: YOU LITTLE…
ALBERT: Don’t do anything stupid Del!
RODNEY: Why do you think I did it Del? To make you listen!
DEL: About what?
RODNEY: My position in the partnership!
DEL: Fine Rodney! You can have a higher position, your first job is to get this stock back!
RODNEY: Nevermind, I’ll remain a lookout.
ALBERT: All that and you are going to stay in the same position anyway?
RODNEY: I got him to listen didn’t I, all I wanted.
DEL: You’re lucky Albert stopped me from killing you Rodney.
RODNEY: Whatever Del.

Rodney walks off in to the Kitchen.

ALBERT: Was you really going to let him have a higher position.
DEL: No. I’ll get him back, just wait and see.

INT – TROTTER’S FLAT – MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.
Del, can be seen fetching a huge jug of water from the kitchen. Albert is in on the prank and can be seen watching Del.

INT – HALLWAY – MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.

DEL: Albert, get the door. Be quiet.
ALBERT: This is going to be good.

Del throws the water on Rodney, Rodney jumps up in shock.

RODNEY: What do you think you are doing Del?
DEL: Cooling ya’ down.
RODNEY: You do realize what time it is?
DEL: Yes? Night Rodney, sweet dreams.
ALBERT: What am I supposed to do.
DEL: Dive on to him.
ALBERT: I can’t do that I’m old.
DEL: I’ll throw you then?

Albert jumps on to Rodney.

RODNEY: Get off me you old git!

Del can be heard laughing.

DEL: Night Rodney.
ALBERT: Oo, me kidneys.
DEL: Not done pranks like that for a while.

INT – TROTTER’S FLAT – MORNING.
Rodney walks in grumpy.

DEL: Morning.
RODNEY: Shut up Del, I’m not helping you at all today, tired.
DEL: You had to expect it Rodney, you can’t destroy my stock and get away with it.
RODNEY: I didn’t destroy your Stock.
DEL: Who did then?
RODNEY: Albert.
DEL: ALBERT!
ALBERT: Wha?
DEL: I’ve had word you wrecked the room.
ALBERT: Who said that.
DEL: Rodney.
ALBERT: Lying little git.
RODNEY: Come on now Unc, tell the truth.

Rodney goes in to the kitchen.

RODNEY: I’ll give you twenty quid if you say you did it?
ALBERT: He knows I didn’t do it.
RODNEY: Forty?

Albert says nothing.

RODNEY (Con’t): Fifty?
ALBERT: Deal.
RODNEY: Right, I want you to come out there in about 5 Minutes and say you did it, alright?
ALBERT: Alright.

Rodney walks back in the room.

RODNEY: He said your breakfast is nearly ready.
DEL: Good. I’m starving.

Albert walks in. Lying badly.

ALBERT: Del I did it.
DEL: Did what?
ALBERT: Wrecked the room.
DEL: You sly little..wait a minute, where did you get this from?
ALBERT: You.
DEL: I don’t re-call giving you fifty notes.
ALBERT: Well, I better get back to the breakfast.
DEL: You must think I’m stupid Rodney?
RODNEY: Ey?
DEL: Asking him to tell a lie is like asking Trigger for directions.
RODNEY: Okay, so I wrecked the room, we’re even now, you got your revenge.
DEL: You’re not having this back by the way, this is the start of the money you owe me.
RODNEY: I owe you nothing.
DEL: You already forgetting you broke lots of stock I bought. You don’t think Rodney.

Del laughs.

END CREDITS.