Mr X
Mr X by Jimmy Connerly (One year on from Sleepless in Peckham)
Scene One – INT – NAGS HEAD – JUST BEFORE OPENING TIME (DAY)
Del and Sid are behind the bar.Sid: Light ales in here, pull them forward so the nearest out of date ones are at the front. And the brown ales are down there.
Del: Blimey, brown ale? Where’s that then Sid? Next to the mulled wine?
Sid responds indifferently.
Sid: Mulled wine?
Del: I mean, nobody drinks brown ale these days do they? (Picks up a brown ale and looks at the label) Look at that look Sid, ‘Best before April 1923’.
Sid: (Shakes head at Del’s humour) When you’ve been in the trade as long as I have you’d realise the whole market. It’s not just about your trendy market, it’s also your regular custom, your bread and butter.
Del: Or, in your case, when you ran the café, your bread and marge.
Sid responds indifferently again.
Sid: Well if you don’t need me for anything else?
Del: No, no, you’re alright Sid, away you go. See you at six.
Sid: Yeah. If you haven’t bankrupt the place by then.
Sid puts on his jacket and hat and makes to leave. Del shakes his head and polishes a glass. As Sid approaches the door Rodney enters, bumping into Sid.
Rodney: Hello Sid, you just finishing.
Sid: I’ve done all I’ve been asked if that’s what you mean. I’ll leave all the finishing to you two.
Sid brushes past Rodney and exits. Rodney watches him go then looks to Del.
Rodney: You’ll have to do something about him Del.
Del: Me? Thanks partner. Anyway, it’s you as told him he could stay on.
Rodney: Well what else has he got? He gave up the café to come and run this place for Mike. If it’d been down to you he’d have been chucked out completely.
Del: This is a business Rodney not a charity case. Other than handing over the reins what purpose does he offer this place? He’s too old.
Rodney: And who do you see when you look in the mirror Del? You’re hardly Peter Pan yourself.
Del: I’m young at heart Rodney. I’m like that Bill Bates from Microware; I keep myself motivated by continuous change. I’m still in touch Rodney, there’s a difference.
Rodney: Only you could compare running a pub in Peckham with the biggest global company in the world Del, you’d think we’d bought into Budweiser the way you carry on. Besides, it’s Microsoft.
Del: You’re the one that’s soft. Keeping Sid on for no good reason. You’ve a family now Rodney. Priority number one is providing for them. Sentimental nicety doesn’t come into it.
Rodney: Just listen to yourself! We know nothing about running a pub Del, we need expert advice.
Del: What? Sid? What expertise has he got?
Rodoney: Well. (Thinks). There’s the catering side.
Del: Catering? Gor blimey, is that what you call it? Nothing don’t come without chips. And look at that Spaghetti ‘Bog’naise he dished up last month.
Rodney: Bolognaise!
Del: I know what it’s supposed to be called Rodney, only I spent three days in the kazi after I’d eaten
my serving. I reckon he should have sold it for ten pence.
Rodney: (Confused) Ten pence? Why?
Del: (Smiles) Cos it gave everyone the two-bob bits!
Rodney: (Laughs) Yeah!
Del: No, it ain’t just that Rodney but we need to move this place forward. I mean, look at this, he’s still
got crates and crates of brown ale down here. Blimey, brown ale went out with Triggers fashion.
Rodney: Was Trigger’s fashion ever in?
Del: Exactly! And I don’t think brown ale ever was neither.
Rodney laughs but thinks to himself and looks more seriously at Del.
Rodney: I think you’re right in a way Del but let’s take it steady eh? You’re right what you said about
responsibility so let’s not try and do too much too quick. You know what happened last time
we came into a bit of money.
Del: (Shakes head) You disappoint me Rodney.
Rodney: Come on Del, don’t give me that. (Assured) I like your ideas but I’m not giving way to emotional
blackmail. Look, we’ve all learned a few thing over the last couple of years and I’ve matured in
that time. We’ve bought out the lease of this place and we’ll make it work. Let’s get to grips with it
first and then see about improving the process. OK?
Del thinks on what Rodney has just said, nods his head.
Del: Yes, you win Rodney, your quite right. (Smiles) You’ve come a long way Rodders, mum’d be very proud.
Rodney: (Pleased) Thanks mate! And you just see! We’ll make those ideas work, eh?
Del: I like it Rodders. You and me bruv! The dream team. OK then, on that note of responsibility it’s only fitting that you do the honours today Rodney.
Rodney: Honours?
Del: Well eleven o’clock!
Rodney: Eleven o’clock?
Del: Er, opening time?
Rodney: Oh yeah, I was so engrossed I forgot!
Del watches as Rodney goes one way only to turn tack and go back the other way.
Rodney: I got myself confused, it’s this way!
Rodney goes to the front doors to open it up for trade.
Del: (Smiles and shakes head) What a plonker!
