Convention 1999
Three Men, a Woman, and a Headache

Keith finally turned up with the PA and it didn’t take him long to work out all ‘its modes and functions’. A small stage had been erected at the top end of the hall. This is where our guests would be interviewed by Keith. One side of the hall was lined with merchandise. There was plenty to choose from; the BBC’s release of Mother Nature’s Son, a repackaging of Series One, Series Six was also re-released in, well, a biscuit tin. The Society had supplied caricature posters of our guests, brilliantly illustrated by Steve Orris. The idea was for people to purchase one, then have it signed by the star. The other side of the hall had been roped off in the form of a queue. This was so there would be some order when the fans went up to speak and get autographs from their heroes. Four tables and seats were placed at the bottom of the hall so our actors could sit down and sign in some comfort.
As we hobbled out of the sports centre, fatigued, cold and hungry, there was the warm feeling of achievement. Preparation is the key to every job. Something we did not do last year. There was also the lovely thought of a lie-in the next morning, as the doors did not open until twelve. We couldn’t enjoy this concept for long, as Perry shouted from his car, ‘I’ll see you all at seven tomorrow morning’. If I had the strength to punch him, I would have!

Credit must be given to Keith. It can’t be easy to get up in front of a thousand odd people knowing it is your job to keep them entertained. It, also, must be a strain on the nerves to know that you have to interview four stars from Britain’s most loved sitcom. No signs of panic were evident as he took the stage in his rather suave black suit. We wanted to make a point of remembrance, before we could start with the festivities, by showing a mark of respect for the late Buster Merryfield. We decided on the traditional minute’s silence. This, as you can imagine, was observed in the manner you would expect. During the quiet Keith brought on stage a life-size cut-out of Uncle Albert. I found this poignant, as we were hoping Buster was going to attend this year’s Convention.

Next to be introduced was Sue Holderness (Marlene). She walked on to loud applause, cheering, and a few whistles. This was hardly surprising, what with that short skirt and low cut-top. Keith’s opening question was to ask if Boycie really was the father. Sue answered by saying that Marlene was a bit of a girl, but she was sure it was Boycie’s. The audience had their own ideas with one shouting “it’s Triggers”. Sue, with mike in hand, told of how next September would be the 20th anniversary of ‘Fools’, and it would be nice for everyone to get together and have a ‘big bash’ in celebration. She went on to say that she hoped there would be more shows and that Ken Macdonald (who knows everything) said that there would be. ‘He even knows some of the storylines,’ she said. The chance for people to ask questions from the floor was again given. One asked what was her favourite episode. “Oh, ‘From Prussia with Love’. It was so touching because Marlene so desperately wanted a baby, but it wasn’t to be”. Another asked if she was nervous when filming her first show. “Well, I was very nervous and also three months pregnant. I tried to cover up the fact as best as I could. I have to say I’m more nervous today than I was then. I’ve already had three cigarettes and two scotches”. The drink must have done the trick because she really was terrific entertainment. She finished off telling us about her time in Miami. I’m sure she could have stayed up there all day and kept the audience enthralled, but we had to move on.

Our last guest to be cheered on was Patrick Murray (Mickey Pearce). He introduced himself and then remarked “Cor, there’s a lot of you here on a Sunday, the local vicar must be fuming”. Patrick seemed in his element as he began to crack jokes and tell stories of what it was like to run a pub (a job he has been doing recently). He mentioned that he has his own resident band, that plays at his hostelry, called ‘The Three Wheelers’ in which he is lead singer. He carried on by saying that one of his favourite songs was “A Rhinestone Cowboy,” and ask if we would like to hear him sing it. Of course the crowd shouted a unanimous, ‘yes.’ With that, Patrick, unaccompanied, sang his rendition of the famous country & western song. He carried it off very well. He was helped on the chorus by both Ken and Keith. The crowd roared their approval. Again, the audience were given a chance to interrogate one of our stars. A girl asked him if she could have his hat. Patrick said she couldn’t as it wasn’t the original, and it wasn’t rightfully his anyway. Patrick was a real treat and the audience enjoyed him immensely.
With the stage show over, and Keith a stone lighter, our stars made their way to the Green Room for some refreshment, and to prepare themselves for the signing session. Even though these are seasoned professionals, you could tell they were a little relieved that the stage show was over. They looked a lot more relaxed as they laughed and reminisced together. Back in the hall, the merchandise counter had happily quietened down. This was a great relief to the workers behind it. To the surprise of everyone, Patrick made a re-appearance on stage. He wanted to auction off an original copy of ‘Mother Nature’s Son’ for his favourite charity. I looked down to the floor as my stomach churned with embarrassment as the bidding crawled to £20. The crowd was unusually quiet, I put this down to the English reserve: after all, this was a treasured item on offer. Suddenly, and without any reasonable explanation, things began to move. ‘Fifty,’ one shouted, then from the back of the hall came ‘sixty’. It wasn’t long before we broke the hundred. As is the way with these things, it came down to just a few shouting out their bids. As we passed the £200, mark it was down to just two. Patrick kept egging them on, what with this and a touch of male ego, we finally finished with the winner getting the prized script for £270. With a frozen smile, and a look on his face that seemed to express a man who had just lost his life savings, our winner picked up his trophy. A queue was beginning to form in front of the four desks in which ‘the gang of four’ would meet, and sign posters, pictures and books for the fans. Little did any of us know that this line would not go down for FOUR AND HALF HOURS!

It was around 6 o’clock as the last person made their way out of the sports hall. Along with our bleary-eyed actors, we made our way to the bar. There was much back slapping going on, and rightly so, as the day was deemed a great success. As we sat around drinking we reflected on the day’s events and it’s highlights. Ken lead the chorus in the appreciation of the fans. He, along with the others, expressed their delight in not just meeting them, but also enjoying speaking and having a joke with them. In our experience, we have found that when a member of the cast meets anyone from the Society, they are a little surprised that we are not all wearing snorkels and National Health glasses. After a day like today, they realise we are basically people who love the show. A little obsessive we may be, but trainspotters definitely not.
Sue remarked on how she would gladly do another. The others were also agreeable in appearing at another Convention. Discussions then went on to getting ‘the big two’ along to the next one. Ken said it was a real possibility. If anyone can persuade David Jason and Nicholas Lyndhurst, then it has to be him, so over to you mate. What was also evident to me was that Sid, Ken, Sue and Patrick were obviously happy to see each other. It was great to see them recollect and catch up. We could have listened to them all night as they spoke about old times on the set of ‘Fools,’ but time was getting on and some had long journeys home. Our three men and a lady had done us proud, their contribution on the day was priceless and we thank them for it. Also, a special thanks must go to all the staff at the Ongar Sports Hall specifically George, who put in as many hours as anyone. Darren for all the driving as usual. While handing out the acknowledgements, it’s only right to recognise all the hard work done by the people who set up and worked the merchandise stall, and to Keith who did a great job as MC. Lastly, we would like to thank everyone who came along, whose contribution was as important as anybody’s.
See you next year.