Only Fools and Horses Convention 1999

“Is the hall big enough? Perhaps it’s too big, and what about the members? Will they turn up? I’m sure we haven’t got enough merchandise: if people don’t get what they want there’ll be a riot. Where’s that dipstick, Keith, with the PA? Oi, what are you doing with that box?” It’s midnight and seven weary people are standing in the middle of the Ongar sports hall, having to listen to Perry’s neurotic ranting. I understood his worries and concerns; after all, this is only our second Convention and a thousand odd fans are expected: but I just wish he wouldn’t vent his fears at such regular intervals. This was the night before the big day and we had all spent the evening humping boxes, making displays, standing on ladders and working out itineraries.

Keith finally turned up with the PA and it didn’t take him long to work out all ‘its modes and functions’. A small stage had been erected at the top end of the hall. This is where our guests would be interviewed by Keith. One side of the hall was lined with merchandise. There was plenty to choose from; the BBC’s release of Mother Nature’s Son, a repackaging of Series One, Series Six was also re-released in, well, a biscuit tin. The Society had supplied caricature posters of our guests, brilliantly illustrated by Steve Orris. The idea was for people to purchase one, then have it signed by the star. The other side of the hall had been roped off in the form of a queue. This was so there would be some order when the fans went up to speak and get autographs from their heroes. Four tables and seats were placed at the bottom of the hall so our actors could sit down and sign in some comfort.

As we hobbled out of the sports centre, fatigued, cold and hungry, there was the warm feeling of achievement. Preparation is the key to every job. Something we did not do last year. There was also the lovely thought of a lie-in the next morning, as the doors did not open until twelve. We couldn’t enjoy this concept for long, as Perry shouted from his car, ‘I’ll see you all at seven tomorrow morning’. If I had the strength to punch him, I would have!

The four star guests for our second Convention were to be Sue Holderness (Marlene), Roy Heather (Sid from the café), Patrick Murray (Mickey Pearce) and Ken Macdonald (Mike Fisher). Patrick was the first to arrive. He was certainly dressed accordingly. He wore a black suit, white tie and of course that hat. As we spoke to him in the green room, he did give me the feeling of being a tad nervous. Though anyone who had seen his forthcoming performance on stage would have never believed this possible. Ken arrived soon after, wearing his light blue Nags Head sweatshirt. If the Society has a best friend then he would be it. He is not only very helpful to us, but is one of the most kind-hearted people you would ever want to meet. Evidence of this is when you mention his name to any other members of the cast. A warm smile generally comes to the face and such comments as, ‘Ah lovely Ken’, ‘What a great bloke’ and ‘Good old Ken’. It seems he is not only our best friend, but theirs also. Sue, like Ken and Patrick, arrived in character. She wore a leopard skin top, which happily showed some cleavage, and a short black skirt. Like many other fans, I’ve always had a bit of a ‘thing’ for Sue. It was so nice to meet her and see that her personality matched her looks. Roy was the last to arrive and was the only one who didn’t look entirely like his character. For a start, he looked too healthy! Sid always looks like he’s just got up and forgot to have a shave. He, like rest of his compatriots, was very amiable and ready to meet the fans. I wonder if their smiles would have been so wide had they known the long day that was in front of them.

Credit must be given to Keith. It can’t be easy to get up in front of a thousand odd people knowing it is your job to keep them entertained. It, also, must be a strain on the nerves to know that you have to interview four stars from Britain’s most loved sitcom. No signs of panic were evident as he took the stage in his rather suave black suit. We wanted to make a point of remembrance, before we could start with the festivities, by showing a mark of respect for the late Buster Merryfield. We decided on the traditional minute’s silence. This, as you can imagine, was observed in the manner you would expect. During the quiet Keith brought on stage a life-size cut-out of Uncle Albert. I found this poignant, as we were hoping Buster was going to attend this year’s Convention.

After a couple of jokes and a few announcements, Keith introduced our first guest. ‘A big round of applause please for Roy Heather, Sid’. A huge cheer went up around the hall. Keith remarked first of all on how Roy’s first café in ‘Fools’ was in fact a caravan (from the Christmas trees episode). Roy laughed in recognition and said that there has been a few different cafes since. We learned that his favourite episode to work on was ‘The Jolly Boys Outing’. “Filming was three weeks of utter mayhem, it was a real jolly boys outing,” he said. Our compere gave the audience a chance to ask a few questions. A young woman asked if he ever done any of the cooking. “No is the quick answer, I remember during ‘A Royal Flush’ four girls were continually cooking. I came out smelling of bacon and eggs,” was his reply. Roy really looked as if he was enjoying himself as he answered more questions from the crowd and Keith.

Next to be introduced was Sue Holderness (Marlene). She walked on to loud applause, cheering, and a few whistles. This was hardly surprising, what with that short skirt and low cut-top. Keith’s opening question was to ask if Boycie really was the father. Sue answered by saying that Marlene was a bit of a girl, but she was sure it was Boycie’s. The audience had their own ideas with one shouting “it’s Triggers”. Sue, with mike in hand, told of how next September would be the 20th anniversary of ‘Fools’, and it would be nice for everyone to get together and have a ‘big bash’ in celebration. She went on to say that she hoped there would be more shows and that Ken Macdonald (who knows everything) said that there would be. ‘He even knows some of the storylines,’ she said. The chance for people to ask questions from the floor was again given. One asked what was her favourite episode. “Oh, ‘From Prussia with Love’. It was so touching because Marlene so desperately wanted a baby, but it wasn’t to be”. Another asked if she was nervous when filming her first show. “Well, I was very nervous and also three months pregnant. I tried to cover up the fact as best as I could. I have to say I’m more nervous today than I was then. I’ve already had three cigarettes and two scotches”. The drink must have done the trick because she really was terrific entertainment. She finished off telling us about her time in Miami. I’m sure she could have stayed up there all day and kept the audience enthralled, but we had to move on.

Ken Macdonald (Mike Fisher) was the next up. This was a bit of a surprise to everyone, as he was not on the original billing. We were only able to pin him down at the last minute. He came on to rapturous applause. He actually started with asking the crowd a question. “Do you remember me? I ask, as I have given up acting, and started to do a bit of roofing, as I have so many of Del’s slates”. Ken went on to ask where some of our members had travelled from. It was no shock to hear that some had travelled long distances to be there. Leicester, Manchester and Birmingham being three of the domains people had ventured from. Ken encouraged the fans to keep writing to the BBC to get ‘Fools’ back on. He said, “We will be back ‘Only Fools and Horses’ is not dead”. Keith tried to persuade him to let us in on the new storyline that Sue had mentioned earlier, but Ken said it had to remain secret. However, he did tell us of his time, working on an episode from another John Sullivan sit-com, ‘Heartburn Hotel.’ I would try to watch this when it is aired, as it does sound a bit special. It’s funny, whenever Ken mentions John Sullivan, he always calls him “the wonderful John Sullivan”. I have noticed this sort of respect and fondness from all of the cast I have met. He told us a little of Nicholas Lyndhurst’s wedding in which he was a guest. He got quite emotional as he relayed what the day was like. Ken finished with answering a few questions and saying that everyone would go home satisfied. “Everyone who wants an autograph will get one, and we will pose for anyone who wants to take pictures,” was his promise.

Our last guest to be cheered on was Patrick Murray (Mickey Pearce). He introduced himself and then remarked “Cor, there’s a lot of you here on a Sunday, the local vicar must be fuming”. Patrick seemed in his element as he began to crack jokes and tell stories of what it was like to run a pub (a job he has been doing recently). He mentioned that he has his own resident band, that plays at his hostelry, called ‘The Three Wheelers’ in which he is lead singer. He carried on by saying that one of his favourite songs was “A Rhinestone Cowboy,” and ask if we would like to hear him sing it. Of course the crowd shouted a unanimous, ‘yes.’ With that, Patrick, unaccompanied, sang his rendition of the famous country & western song. He carried it off very well. He was helped on the chorus by both Ken and Keith. The crowd roared their approval. Again, the audience were given a chance to interrogate one of our stars. A girl asked him if she could have his hat. Patrick said she couldn’t as it wasn’t the original, and it wasn’t rightfully his anyway. Patrick was a real treat and the audience enjoyed him immensely.

With the stage show over, and Keith a stone lighter, our stars made their way to the Green Room for some refreshment, and to prepare themselves for the signing session. Even though these are seasoned professionals, you could tell they were a little relieved that the stage show was over. They looked a lot more relaxed as they laughed and reminisced together. Back in the hall, the merchandise counter had happily quietened down. This was a great relief to the workers behind it. To the surprise of everyone, Patrick made a re-appearance on stage. He wanted to auction off an original copy of ‘Mother Nature’s Son’ for his favourite charity. I looked down to the floor as my stomach churned with embarrassment as the bidding crawled to £20. The crowd was unusually quiet, I put this down to the English reserve: after all, this was a treasured item on offer. Suddenly, and without any reasonable explanation, things began to move. ‘Fifty,’ one shouted, then from the back of the hall came ‘sixty’. It wasn’t long before we broke the hundred. As is the way with these things, it came down to just a few shouting out their bids. As we passed the £200, mark it was down to just two. Patrick kept egging them on, what with this and a touch of male ego, we finally finished with the winner getting the prized script for £270. With a frozen smile, and a look on his face that seemed to express a man who had just lost his life savings, our winner picked up his trophy. A queue was beginning to form in front of the four desks in which ‘the gang of four’ would meet, and sign posters, pictures and books for the fans. Little did any of us know that this line would not go down for FOUR AND HALF HOURS!

Myself and Perry have done many film and TV fairs, in which a ‘star’ of a well-known movie or show would be there to sign their latest book or video. They never tried to hide their boredom as they put their monocle to the piece of merchandise handed to them. I noticed one ‘star’ who didn’t speak or give any eye-contact to the people who were there to meet their ‘hero’. Our stars, however, seemed only to happy to meet their audience. Without pretention, they talked, joked and had their pictures taken. They showed no sign of indifference as they held long conversations, often asking as many questions to the fans as were asked them. This was why the queue took so long to go down, but even those at the back of the line felt it worthwhile once they had meet their idols. It was great to see the children’s faces light up, as Patrick picked them up and put them on his knee, while proud parents took their photos. Sue seemed to be enjoying herself as much as the people she was talking to. Though all four looked tired, they continued to give the fans what they wanted right to the very last picture and signature.

It was around 6 o’clock as the last person made their way out of the sports hall. Along with our bleary-eyed actors, we made our way to the bar. There was much back slapping going on, and rightly so, as the day was deemed a great success. As we sat around drinking we reflected on the day’s events and it’s highlights. Ken lead the chorus in the appreciation of the fans. He, along with the others, expressed their delight in not just meeting them, but also enjoying speaking and having a joke with them. In our experience, we have found that when a member of the cast meets anyone from the Society, they are a little surprised that we are not all wearing snorkels and National Health glasses. After a day like today, they realise we are basically people who love the show. A little obsessive we may be, but trainspotters definitely not.

Sue remarked on how she would gladly do another. The others were also agreeable in appearing at another Convention. Discussions then went on to getting ‘the big two’ along to the next one. Ken said it was a real possibility. If anyone can persuade David Jason and Nicholas Lyndhurst, then it has to be him, so over to you mate. What was also evident to me was that Sid, Ken, Sue and Patrick were obviously happy to see each other. It was great to see them recollect and catch up. We could have listened to them all night as they spoke about old times on the set of ‘Fools,’ but time was getting on and some had long journeys home. Our three men and a lady had done us proud, their contribution on the day was priceless and we thank them for it. Also, a special thanks must go to all the staff at the Ongar Sports Hall specifically George, who put in as many hours as anyone. Darren for all the driving as usual. While handing out the acknowledgements, it’s only right to recognise all the hard work done by the people who set up and worked the merchandise stall, and to Keith who did a great job as MC. Lastly, we would like to thank everyone who came along, whose contribution was as important as anybody’s.

See you next year.