The Bells of Peckham
by Gary Stocker & Paul Stocker
…Continued from yesterdays script the The Bells of Peckham part 3
scenes 15 to 21
ONLY FOOLS AND HORSES
INT. RESTAURANT – EVENING
A semi posh Restaurant. Del and Raquel enjoying a quiet candle lit dinner for two. Del is tucking into the food like a good ‘un. They are both dressed up to the nines.
RAQUEL
So what’s all this in aid of?
DEL
Nothing. Nothing. I just think we ought to enjoy the fruits of my labours, now I’ve.. You know.
RAQUEL
Retired?
DEL
Well… Yes. I don’t like to use that term, though. Taking things easier.
RAQUEL
But you’re out more now than you were before. At least I knew you were down the market. Now you spend your time flitting between the Cemetery, Sid’s cafe, the Nags head and the auction houses for Damie.
DEL
It’s gonna change sweetheart. Its gonna change. Are you eating that onion barge?
RAQUEL
Um. No. Del, I love you as you are but…
DEL
But, what?
RAQUEL
You aren’t the easiest person to live with. Sometimes, just sometimes, you don’t put yourself first. But it is only sometimes.
DEL
You can’t say that. I’ve supported all of you. All my life. Even that dipstick, Rodney.
RAQUEL
I suppose we have had our good times.
DEL
Yeah, when we was millionaires.
RAQUEL
No, I don’t mean that. That didn’t mean anything to me. The nice house, the rolls, the holidays. I mean the time we spent together. Sharing life.
DEL
You didn’t say anything at the time.
RAQUEL
It was your dream, Del. Not mine.
DEL
Come on. Eat up. The night is young.
RAQUEL
Why? Where are we going?
DEL
Just hurry up and get that in your gob!
Del then slips a bit of naan bread into Raquel’s hand bag.
EXT. OUTSIDE LONDON EYE – NIGHT
A Black cab pulls up at the foot of the London eye. Del exits first and then opens the door for Raquel to exit. Raquel looks up at the LONDON EYE eye which is lit up brightly against the city sky. Raquel is pleased.
DEL
Well, what do you think?
RAQUEL
Er. Lovely. Do you think it’s wise after all the food you’ve just eaten?
DEL
No. Come on it will be fun. Lovely Jubbly.
We SEE Del slip a RED ROSE into his suit pocket hidden away from Raquel.
INT. LONDON EYE – ENTRY DOOR – NIGHT
Del and Raquel are in the queue. Also in the queue in front of Del and Raquel are THREE MALE ADOLESCENTS wearing hoodies. They are rather loud and have had a skinful.
The queue moves up and the three enter the compartment.
ATTENDANT
Next, please.
DEL
It’s OK. We’ll wait for the next one.
ATTENDANT
There isn’t a next one. We’re closing. It’s nearly eight-twenty. We close at eight-thirty.
DEL
No. No. You can’t. We… We need to be alone.
ATTENDANT
You can always come back tomorrow.
DEL
I can’t. It has to be tonight. You know what I mean.
Del flashes to the Red Rose to the attendant but it doesn’t wash.
ATTENDANT
Good luck!
DEL
Yes. Thank’s for your help.
Del pays and they enter the compartment with the three hoodies.
INT. LONDON EYE COMPARTMENT – NIGHT
You can see the disappointment on Del’s face that he is now going to have to propose in front of the three hoodies. One of the hoodies spots Del.
HOODIE #1
Look, Grandad’s come as James Bond.
All the hoodies laugh. Del ignores them.
Raquel is more interested in looking out the window at the London skyline. Del tries to get her attention.
RAQUEL
Oh look at the view. It’s wonderful.
DEL
Yes, Raquel. If you look over there you can see our house.
RAQUEL
Really? Where?
DEL
Sweetheart, Look, there’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you for a long…
At that moment one of the hoodies plays VERY LOUD MUSIC on his MOBILE and drowns Del out. Raquel then spots something else outside. MUSIC drowns.
RAQUEL
Look, Del, It’s the shard.
DEL
I dunno about the shard but this is bloody hard! Raquel… Look, here.
Del lifts the Red Rose from his jacket pocket. He bends down on one knee and Raquel then spots something else and moves over to the window not noticing Del.
The hoodies spot him kneeling and laugh at him again. Del gets up with a puppy dog face and walks over to Cassandra.
HOODIE #1
You’re a bit old for that, mate intcha?
HOODIE #2
Say Yes, love, Please say Yes.
Del is aware of the cruel comments but perseveres regardless. He stands and walks over to Raquel.
DEL
Raquel. Come here. Please.
Raquel finally breaks her gaze and looks back at Del.
DEL (CONT’D)
Raquel Turner. You are the love of my life. We have shared thirty happy years together.
RAQUEL
Nearly thirty, Del. How many happy ones?
DEL
All of them. Sweetheart. All of them. Now, Listen to me. Raquel Turner. How would you like to be… Wait for it… Raquel Trotter.
The hoodies break out in fits of laughter. Expecting the old man to get struck down by flames.
RAQUEL
Derek Trotter, are you asking me to marry you?
DEL
Oh I forgot.
Del then remembers to get down on one knee and goes to hand the rose to Raquel.
DEL
Raquel Turner. Will you marry me?
RAQUEL
I thought you’d never ask. Yes!
Raquel and Del then kiss lovingly. The Hoodies look shocked. Upon finishing the kiss, Del looks over to the Hoodies with a “This is how you do it” smile. They can’t believe it.
INT. LONDON EYE – ENTRY DOOR – NIGHT
The Door to the compartment opens at the end of the ride. Del and Raquel exit arm in arm. Del looks at the attendant.
DEL
They got a touch of agrophobia…
The three hoodies (whom we haven’t seen up until this point) walk unsteadily from the compartment with their hoods tied down under their chins so they cannot see. We HEAR muffled groans.
INT. NAGS HEAD – DAY
It is not overly busy in the Nags Head. Sharon, the landlady, is behind the bar chatting with Denzil and Mickey Pierce.
SHARON
So you never really knew your dad then, Mickey.
MICKEY
No. He left when I was a nipper. Never seen him since.
DENZIL
You must have a picture of him, surely?
MICKEY
I did once. I took it off mums dartboard. It wasn’t a very good picture anyway.
SHARON
So what was he like?
MICKEY
Oh he was a broken man. He had a distinctive limp, a scar from his chin to his right eyebrow and half his left ear was missing.
DENZIL
What was it, Old war wounds?
MICKEY
No. He forgot to put the guard on the food mixer.
Rodney enters looking all pleased with himself.
RODNEY
Half a lager please, Sharon.
DENZIL
Wotcha Rodney.
RODNEY
Denzil, Mickey. Have I got some news for you…
MICKEY
Oh yeah? You and Damien cornered the market in broken bluetooth sets?
RODNEY
No, nothing like that. This will make you laugh. Come and sit down.
Sharon passes Rodney his half lager. The men sit.
MICKEY
Come on, Rodney. I’m all ears.
DENZIL
Your dad wasn’t!
RODNEY
Del has only proposed to Raquel.
DENZIL
Seriously?
MICKEY
Why?
RODNEY
Yes, on my daughters life. I think he’s finally done something good.
DENZIL
Well?
RODNEY
Well, what?
DENZIL
What did Raquel say?
RODNEY
Yes, obviously! Blimey.
MICKEY
Oh that’s excellent. Can’t wait for it.
RODNEY
Can’t wait for what?
MICKEY
The stag do! Boycie’ll be best man of course.
DENZIL
I might get asked.
RODNEY
Actually it’s me.
DENZIL
Oh yes. Course it’s you. Sorry Rodney.
RODNEY
Why would Boycie be Del’s best man?
MICKEY
They’ve always been best mates. Granted, there is a little rivalry there.
RODNEY
Boycie buggered off to the country ten years ago and Del’s hardly heard a peep out of him. Anyway I’ve spoken to Del and he only wants a simple do befitting a man of his simple tastes.
DENZIL
So where are we going?
RODNEY
Royal Ascot.
DENZIL
Royal Ascot? That’s Del’s Simple tastes? When?
RODNEY
The Saturday after his birthday.
MICKEY
It’s on a Saturday? I can’t come then. My new job is on a Saturday night.
DENZIL
Have you heard what Mickey’s new job is? He’s a part time artists model.
MICKEY
And very good I am too.
RODNEY
You’re joking.
MICKEY
Nope. Very popular I am. Every Saturday 9pm.
RODNEY
You’ll still be able to come, the last race is at five. Hang on. Who Paints on a saturday night?
MICKEY
Lots of people. Oh well sounds alright with me, Rodney.
DENZIL
Is Raquel having a hen do?
RODNEY
Yes, Her, Cassandra and a few others are coming here, nothing over the top, though. They’re very sensible. Cassie’s going to stay over ours and I’m going to stay over Del’s. Look after him like the best man should. Do you think I should invite Boycie, then?
DENZIL
No harm in sending an invitation, just don’t expect a reply.
INT. BOYCIE’S SHROPSHIRE HOME – KITCHEN – DAY
BOYCIE has his coat on, looking puzzled. He is alone in the Kitchen, which is untidy. Cartons and bags everywhere.
BOYCIE
Marlene! Have you seen my wellingtons?
MARLENE (OOV)
Have a look on your feet.
Boycie gives a scornful look, then continues searching.
BOYCIE
(to himself)
Daft bloody woman. One day she’ll say something sensible. Like “I’m off”
MARLENE enters wearing a leopard skin apron.
MARLENE
Have you found them, yet?
BOYCIE
Oh Yes, I’m wearing them, aren’t I? No, Marlene, I haven’t. Not likely to in all this mess.
MARLENE
I know. I’ll get Mrs Cakeworthy to have a tidy up later.
BOYCIE
Marlene! Mrs Cakeworthy doesn’t work for us any more. She’s been gone two months.
MARLENE
Oh? I hadn’t noticed?
BOYCIE
Exactly!
MARLENE
Why did you get rid of her?
BOYCIE
One: Because she ate all the biscuits, and Two: She was bloody useless. She came here as general housekeeper. The only thing that worked was the mouth.
MARLENE
Yeah. She could harp on a bit.
BOYCIE
Mostly with you!
MARLENE
Leave off. It’s ‘cos I’m warm and friendly, unlike you.
BOYCIE
And what do you mean by that?
MARLENE
On Christmas day morning, I told you to go over to Mrs Cakeworthy, Jed and Elgin’s and to make sure you gave generously.
BOYCIE
I did.
MARLENE
Yeah. You gave them the day off! When will you get it into that posh bonce of yours that we all end up leaving this planet the same way.
BOYCIE
I just happen to believe some deserve a certain standard of life.
Marlene catches sight of herself in the mirror.
MARLENE
Here, Boyce. What’s that stuff they use to make your lips fuller?
BOYCIE
A Right hook?
MARLENE
(doesn’t hear)
I’m not getting any younger, Boyce.
BOYCIE
If you want it done, my little Pterodactyl, don’t go private. It’ll cost a fortune. I’ll do it for you.
Boycie examines his own fist and smiles.
MARLENE
(still looking in mirror)
Ah thanks, Boyce. Hey, why don’t you just use Elgins wellies?
BOYCIE
I’m not putting my feet in there.
MARLENE
Why not?
BOYCIE
Because Elgin looks like he lives in a compost heap.
MARLENE
Bless him. Do you think we should wake Tyler up? So nice him staying with us.
BOYCIE
Isn’t it just. Sleeping off another hangover.
MARLENE
He’s young. You were just the same.
BOYCIE
I was not. His age I was selling cars, making profit and making business deals. It was the start of the Boyce empire. I had drive, ambition and energy.
MARLENE
That energy soon bloody went. (smirks)
BOYCIE
One thing Tyler’s never had. Someday’s I can’t believe he’s mine.
MARLENE
Maybe he’s had a stressful day.
BOYCIE
The only stress he gets is if the supermarket runs out of pot noodles.
A Disheveled TYLER walks in with the mail.
TYLER
Morning. Found this at the bottom of the stairs. Nearly slipped on it.
BOYCIE
Well put some slippers on.
MARLENE
Hello Love. Nice sleep? Right, Boycie, after you’ve fed the animals, meet me in town, will you?
BOYCIE
Marlene. I have over three hundred livestock to feed. It’s hardly a five minute job.
MARLENE
Well if you’d got up earlier and stopped faffing about after those wellies you would have had it half done by now.
(to Tyler)
You take it easy, now. There’s some cup-a-soups in the cupboard.
Boycie is opening the mail.
BOYCIE
For gawds sake. The junk mail you get nowadays, Marlene. Rodney Trotter would be having a fit, all those trees.
TYLER
They recycle, now, dad.
BOYCIE
Really? Oh… Blimey. Look at this. It’s from the aforementioned Rodney Trotter. Del boy is only getting married.
MARLENE
Is he? Let me have a look. Oh We’ve been invited to the wedding at Peckham church and you’ve been invited to the Stag Do at Royal Ascot. Blimey, bit posh for Del boy?
TYLER
Cor. Can I go?
MARLENE
Of course, it’s a family invite.
TYLER
I meant the stag do.
BOYCIE
No you can’t.
MARLENE
Oh don’t be a stick in the mud, Boyce. Be good for you two to go out and enjoy yourselves together.
TYLER
Yeah you should see my mates at uni when we’re out. There’s only Jacko who hasn’t had his stomach pumped.
BOYCIE
I wouldn’t get too excited, Tyler. At our age, this stag do will be more like a game of cards and a few glasses of port. Royal Ascot, hey?
MARLENE
I’d better pop and have a look at some new dresses then while I’m out. Oh isn’t it exciting. See you later.
Marlene exits.
BOYCIE
Yeah. Wonderful.
TYLER
I could bring my uni mates.
BOYCIE
Thousands of pounds I have spent on your education, Tyler, and what’s become of you?
TYLER
I’m sure something will come up.
BOYCIE
Come up? They said that about Charlton Athletic. Look at ’em now. Lower division and all the prospects of a cruise liner with Albert at the helm.
TYLER
I just need to find something i’m good at.
BOYCIE
How much longer are you going to need? You finished University last year.
(ponders)
What about farm work?
TYLER
Manuel labour’s not for me. Hurts my hands.
BOYCIE
What about accountancy, then?
TYLER
Don’t like office work. Hurts my brain.
BOYCIE
I’ll put it simpler, Tyler. What do you like?
TYLER
Cat Deely.
BOYCIE
Good god.
TYLER
I think I could make a good salesman. Gift of the gab, me. You should have seen some of the birds I pulled at uni.
BOYCIE
(excited)
Yeah? What, do you think you’d be good at selling?
TYLER
I knocked out my revision books to the first year students at Twenty five quid a go. Bought a nice suit for the end of year prom. Bit of a mistake though.
BOYCIE
Oh? Why’s that?
TYLER
I needed them for my actual exams. Probably why I got an F. I think I’d be good at selling cars, dad. What do you reckon?
BOYCIE
(excited again)
Yes, son. The re-emergence of Boyce autos.
TYLER
I’d make a few quid, I know it.
BOYCIE
And you could, you know, come to me for advice.
TYLER
I could do. Why?
BOYCIE
Why? Why? Because, son, I was the premier second hand car dealer in south London. We holidayed in Miami and Barbados. I wore Gucci. Your mum wore Crocodile. When I sold up it bought this place outright with plenty of change. Oh Yes. I need a drink.
TYLER
Bit early, ain’t it?
BOYCIE
It’s funny, Tyler. That bottle of scotch seems to get opened earlier and earlier when you come back from Uni.
TYLER
It’s practice for the stag do. I tell you what, I’ll show you how to chat up the birds. Watch and listen.
BOYCIE
Tyler, I know that brain of yours is working overtime at this time of day but I’m married to your mother Mar… Yeah, go on then.
TYLER
Awesome.
Scenes 22 onwards continues tomorrow in part 5
