Series 5 - Episode 7 - A Royal Flush EXT. DAY. THE MARKET. Such is the temperature of today's sales items that Del has discarded the trestle table and is using the suitcase alone. As Del spiels, Rodney is standing behind him on the very kerbstones keeping a very wary eye out. Del is holding open a vinyl case which contains a canteen of cutlery. The suitcase, which contains many more of the cases, lies open on the pavement. A small crowd has gathered. Del I mean, just look at the quality! I mean, that's the Titmus test innit, the quality? These are and-made from Indonesian steel. They've got ivory-effect handles and they come in a genuine synthetic-leather case. We see Rodney surveying the area and doing his job well for once. Del (Cont'd) Now these canteens of cutlery are a very exclusive line. The only other places you can buy 'em are Harrods, Libertys and Pate's Multi- Mart! Now, as Rodney surveys the area, his attention is drawn to something on the opposite side of the street. We cut to see one of the smaller, aluminium framed stalls containing paintings and sketches (all unframed). Seated on a camp stool, and reading a book, we see Vicky. She is in her early twenties, casually to scruffily dressed but attractive, without being stunning. She looks up from her book, scans the area for potential customers, and then notices Rodney looking across at her. Rodney smiles - just polite and friendly. Vicky returns the smile and goes back to her book. Over these shots we can hear Del's spiel continuing. Del (OOV) Now look at this, what can't speak can't lie. See that price tag? What does it say? I'll tell you what it says. It says; 'Manufacturers' recommended retail price, forty two pounds, ninety nine pence!' We cut back to Del just as a man (middle-aged) starts arguing with Del. Man You could have printed them yourself! Del Do me a favour pal! Do I look like Rupert Maxwell? Now, I'm not asking you good people... Man (Cutting in) There are two Ms in 'recommended!' Del (Checking the price) This is the Indonesian spell- ing, you plonker! Now I'm not asking you for forty two pounds, ninety-nine pence! I ain't come here to stripe you. I ain't even asking for a score. If I said a tenner you'd think you'd had a right result. We cut to Vicky. She looks up from her book, directly across at Rodney and smiles. She returns to er book. Rodney is stunned. The girl is actually showing out. Over these shots Del's spiel continues. Del (OOV) But I don't want a tenner! Before I tell you my price, I must warn anyone of an excitable nature to move along a bit lively. We cut back to Del. Del (Cont'd) A thirty six piece canteen of hand-made cutlery, normally priced at forty two pounds, ninety nine pence - to you, three pounds fifty! Go'n, nick 'em off me! Don't let me see 'em go, you know it hurts! The crowd do not share Del's enthusiasm. Rodney now begins his move across to Vicky. Del as his back to Rodney and so doesn't notice him eave. As Rodney moves across street, we see (at least some) of the argument Del has with the man in background. Del Come along ladies and gentlemen, what d'you want, jam on it? Man They can't be top quality, they're too cheap! Del How can anything be too cheap, you plonker? Man Listen, I'm not a plonker! Del No? So what you doing, an impression? Rodney is now at Vicky's stall. She looks up from her book. In the background and OOV the argument continues over. Vicky Hello. Rodney Hi. Your first day in the market? Vicky speaks with a softer, less grating, Sloane Ranger accent. Vicky Hmm, first day. Rodney Thought I hadn't see you here before. Rodney examines some of the sketches. In background we can hear: Man I bet we don't get a guaran- tee with 'em! Del (OOV) All you're gonna get is a smack in the mooey me old cocker! Now go and annoy someone else for a month or two! Rodney Is this all your own work? Vicky Yes, I'm afraid so! Rodney Oh no, no! They're very good. Vicky D'you really think so? Oh that's very sweet of you, thank you. Del (OOV) These are not just bargains, they're investments! You can't go wrong with knives and forks! Rodney I'm an artist. I went away to college, for a while. Vicky is delighted to find a kindred spirit. Vicky Really? I was at the Chelsea School of art for two years, then I had a spell at the Sorbonne. Where were you? Rodney Basingstoke. Vicky Basingstoke? I don't think I've heard of it? Rodney It's a big town in Hampshire! Vicky I mean I haven't heard of the Basingstoke College of Art. Rodney Oh it's famous! Well, round Basingstoke it is! By the way, my name's Rodney. Vicky Victoria. Well, Vicky. Cut back to Del, we see Trigger arriving with council dust barrow and broom. Del Come along now ladies, make the neighbours jealous. Only the finest steel goes into the making of this premier cutlery. Man Yeah, but how do we know that?? Del (Removing a knife) Run your wrist gently down the blade, you'll soon find out! Trigger Alright Del Boy? Del Alright? I'd rather have shingles than these knives and forks. You can get rid of shingles! How's things with you, Trigger? Trigger Known it worse! Del (To Crowd) Alright, I'll tell you what I'll do for you, I'll let 'em go at three quid each. Now you know it makes sense! Trigger Three quid? Here, I'll have one of them Del! Del pulls Trigger to one side. Del What d'you mean, you'll have one? Trigger Well at three pounds they're a bargain! Del Trigger, these are the ones you sold me last week for a nicker each! Trigger No, they ain't the same. Trigger indicates the price tag which is at four pounds, ninty-nine pence each. Trigger (Cont'd) Mine don't have them on. Del I don't believe him! Look, just hand around Trigger, I'll go'n give Miss Dianna a bell! At this point Del notices a uniformed policeman. He has not noticed Del yet, but he's getting too close for comfort. Del (To Crowd) Go on, away you all go 'fore you get your collars felt! The crowd disperse. Del now spots Rodney on the opposite side of the street chatting merrily to Vicky. Del (To Himself) Look at that stupid little dipstick! Del quickly closes his case locked and is about to move off away from the policeman. He reacts as we see a uniformed police woman on the opposite side of Del. She is giving directions to someone. Del (Cont'd) I'm surrounded! I know how Custer felt now! Listen, do exactly as I say Trigger! Cut to policeman. The sudden disappearance of the small crowd has aroused his suspicions. He moves through the shoppers towards Del and Trigger. As he arrives so Del has his suitcase in hand and is wearing his dark glasses. Trigger is talking to Del in a slow and deliberate manner as if Del is foreign. Trigger You are looking for the Hilton Hotel? Del Si! Heelton 'otel! Trigger Okay. Turn left at the top of the road. Del is aware of the policeman standing close by and ob- serving it all with a knowing look. Del Si! Trigger And you'll see a bus stop! Big red bus! Del Si! Trigger Get a 159 to Park Lane and that is where the Hilton Hotel is! Del Si! Danke schon. Bonjour. Del moves off quickly following Trigger's direction. Trigger Don't get many tourists round this way, eh officer? PC No. Especially tourists that speak three different languages - all at once! Trigger just smiles at the PC. We cut to Rodney and Vicky. Rodney So how's business? You sell- ing much? Vicky Not a sausage, it's been absolutely awful. I've only hired the stall for one day, just to see how it went. I want to be a real working artist. Someone who survives by their own efforts. I find it rather tiresome and belittling to continually live off allowances from Daddy! D'you know what I mean? Rodney Yes! I wouldn't worry too much Vicky. You get good days and bad days down the market. (Examining a sketch) Maybe I could be your very first customer. How much is this? Vicky That's fifty pounds. Rodney Oh...! (Picking up another one) How about this? Vicky That's eighty five. Rodney I see! D'you mind if I give you a word of advice Vicky? You see, people round here don't pay eighty five pounds for a painting! People round here don't pay eighty five pounds for a car! Vicky Oh but surely, everyone has paintings in their homes! Rodney Yeah, but these people don't get their painting from galleries and what 'ave you. They get 'em from British Home Stores and Prize Bingo! You've got the wrong market Vicky. You should try Portobello Road, you might be in with a shout then. Vicky Hmm, possibly you're right. Oh well, nothing ventured, eh? Would you be an absolute love and help me carry some of this back to the car? Rodney I'd like to help Victoria, but I'm afraid I'm very busy. I'm working with my bro... (Seeing that Del has gone) Oh! He must have sold out early and gone for a bit of grub. Well in that case, I'm at your service Miss. Vicky Oh, that's very sweet of you. I'm sorry...? Rodney Rodney. Trigger (Calling across) Wotchyer Dave. Rodney (To Vicky) No. My name is Rodney, he's just very thick! Vicky I see. EXT. DAY. SIDE ROAD. LEADING OFF MARKET. Rodney and Vicky, carrying all the paintings, sketches etc. are walking along. Vicky What line of business are you in, Rodney? Rodney I am a partner in a... in a partnership. Me and my brother. We buy and sell - this and that. Vicky You don't specialise? Rodney Em - no! Vicky I envy you. It must be wonderful to work in the market every day. I find it so stimulating. All the hustle and bustle, and those lovely, lovely characters one meets. I know they're not all lovely! Did you spot that noisy little person selling the tatty cutlery? Rodney Yeah! That's my brother! Vicky Oh! I'm frightfully sorry! When I said noisy I didn't mean any... Vicky (Cutting in) No that's alright. He is noisy! He's always been noisy! But he's as good as gold really. I sort of, look after him. Vicky Oh, I see. I have no brothers or sisters. Rodney D'you want him? Rodney (Laughing) No thank you. Well, here's the old crate. Rodney reacts. We see a gleaming car parked at the kerb. Vicky opens the boot and they place the paintings etc. inside. Rodney Nice car! Vicky It was a birthday present. Rodney Oh! I got a Nick Kershaw LP! Right then, I'm gonna get something to eat. See you around Vicky. Vicky Where do you lunch? Rodney Lunch? Oh, I usually go down to the Greasy Thumb. Vicky The Greasy Thumb? Rodney No, it's Sid's caff really, we just call it the Greasy Thumb. Out of affection. Vicky May I join you for lunch? Rodney You? In the Greasy Thumb? Oh, I don't think you'd like it Victoria! It's all steam and bacteria - it's 'orrible! Vicky I get the feeling you're an inverted snob, Rodney. Come on, jump in. I'll chauffer you down there. Rodney climbs into the passenger seat. Rodney But you won't like it Victoria! I don't even like it and I'm a regular! Look, there's a McDonalds round the corner! The car pulls away in a cloud of burning rubber. INT. DAY. SID'S CAFE. It is packed with market workers, building site labourers, punks, skinheads, rastas etc. A jukebox is playing loudly. The windows are steamed up. We see cigarette smoke and hear all the sounds of a workman's cafe. The sounds of a pinball machine, arguments and Sid calling out for people to come and collect their meals and shout- ing orders through a serving hatch to the kitchen. The first shot is of Sid's hand holding a plate of sausage, egg and baked beans. His thumb is in the bean juice, as he hands the plate to customer we see the greasy thumb print it leaves on the side of plate. Sid is shouting for the customers to collect their order. He has a cigarette still between his lips. Sid Sausage, egg, beans! Bacon, egg and toms twice! Egg, bubble and beans twice! 1st Man (Cockney Labourer) Egg and chips! Egg, sausage and chips! Egg, sausage, beans and chips! Sid shouts through hatch as two plates containing pie and chips, and pie, chips and peas are handed out to him. Sid Egg and chips! Egg, sausage and chips! Egg, sausage, beans and chips! (Now calling for the customer to collect) Pie and chips! Pie, chips and peas! Rodney arrives at counter (He and Vicky are already seat- ed in cafe). Rodney The egg, bubble and beans twice. Sid hands him the two plates. Sid There you go Rodney. Don't forget your tea, son. (Collects from hatch; calls) Two of dripping toast! Bacon, egg and one slice! Rodney returns to table cautiously winding his way through some of the big labourers who are standing round the one-armed bandit. Rodney holds both plates in one hand and the two mugs of tea in the other. Rodney 'Scuse me... Sorry... Thanks a lot. He arrives at table, places food and tea down and sits. Seated next to Rodney and asleep on the table is an old dosser. Rodney There you are, Vicky. Vicky Thank you. I think it's lovely in here. Rodney Yeah, it's er, it's good innit? Vicky Is this the bubble and squeak? Rodney Yeah, that's the bubble. Vicky And what is it actually? Rodney It's sort of, em, greens and, er, and sort of potatoes, and you mix it all up and, em, and fry it. Vicky (Tasting some) Mmh! It's absolutely munchy! During all this we hear in the background: 2nd Man (OOV) This machine's broke again Sid! Sid (OOV) If you don't keep tilting the sodding thing it wouldn't break, would it? Burger, chips and peas! Chicken, chips and beans. (Etc) Rodney You're not from round Peckham way, are you? Vicky No, I was born and raised in Berkshire. I moved up to London about three months ago. Have you always lived here? Rodney Yeah, always. Vicky I've been wanting to live in London for ages. Berkshire's so boring. Boring Berkshire I call it. She laughs loudly. Rodney laughs politely and wonders what the hell she is laughing at. Vicky (Cont'd) I wanted to be near the art galleries. I suppose you're always in them? Rodney Well not really. Although I went up to the National Gallery a couple of weeks back. I suddenly realised - and I'm ashamed to admit it - but in all the years it's been housed there I'd never actually seen the Da Vinci cartoon. Vicky Well I'm ashamed to admit it but I haven't seen it either. What did you think of it? Rodney Em, well actually they were closed! But I'm gonna try again. Vicky Why don't we go together? Rodney Yeah, cushty! Vicky Cushty? Rodney It means - wonderful, t'riffic. Vicky Oh I see, how frightfully Albert Square! So shall we say tomorrow at noon? Rodney Tomorrow? I don't know if I'll be able to get time off work. Vicky I thought you said you were a partner? Rodney Yeah, I am a partner but... Yeah, alright then, I'll give myself the day off! Tomorrow at noon. Vicky Cushty! Do you like the opera Rodney? Of course you do, I can tell! Rodney Yeah! Vicky There's a new production of Carmen opening at the Royal Opera House next week. I've tried everywhere to get tickets but it's absolutely impossible! Rodney Yeah, I couldn't get any either. Vicky, I hope you don't mind me saying this, but I didn't think Peckham would be your scene! Vicky Oh no, I absolutely adore this area. It's all so rough and raw and vibrant! I saw a woman spit yester- day! You see, I was brought up in a tiny community in the wilds of boring Berkshire. My world was one of nannies, live-in tutors, gymkhanas and village fetes. The first time I left there was when I was eleven, and that was only to Roedean. Then I went off to a Swiss finishing school. Mine was a very insular existence. I didn't realise there was a real world - until I decided to make art my life. I suppose that's why I like it round here - it must be the artist in me. My mother was a painter. She had some of her work exhibited at the Royal Academy. Rodney (Very impressed) No? Oh Mega! The Royal Academy! Does she still paint? Vicky is obviously very saddened to speak of this. Vicky No. Rodney Have I said something wrong? Vicky No. You see my mother died when I was twelve. A skiing accident in Austria. Rodney Oh, I'm very sorry Vicky! I know how much it must have hurt you! Vicky I doubt it Rodney. Rodney Oh, I know exactly how you felt. The same thing happened to me when I was only five. Vicky Oh poor Rodney. How awful for you! (Squeezing his hand) Where was your mother skiing? Rodney No - no, my mum weren't skiing! All in all, accord- ing to what the rest of the family tell me, my mum didn't do a lot of skiing! She just had something wrong with her, that's all.' Vicky Oh I see... Sorry! (Checks watch) Lord, look at the time! I must fly or otherwise they start worrying. Rodney Who do? Vicky Special Branch. Rodney S... s... Sorry? Special Branch? Vicky Oh, it's all incredibly tedious! They protect us you see. Well, Daddy mainly. Rodney Why, what is he, a super- grass? Vicky (Laughing) No! Silly! He's... oh it's so boring! My father is the Duke of Maylebury. Rodney was about to eat some bubble'n'squeak. It falls off the fork and onto his lap. Rodney The...The Duke of Maylebury? Vicky I told you it was boring. Well, I must dash. See you tomorrow at the National? Rodney (Weakly) Yeah! Vicky Cushty! Ciao! She exits. Rodney remains seated and totally dumbfounded. He picks up mug of tea and sips it. The old dosser wakes. Dosser Oi, that's my tea! Rodney (Still in a trance) Sorry... (Reacting) Eerghh - you dirty old bark. INT.DAY. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. Rodney is seated on the settee still wearing his market clothes and his big Doc Martin boots. He is reading Burke's Peerage. He looks up from book, stunned. He now picks up a magazine (Country Life) and opens it to a black and white picture. It is a photo of Princess Anne at a horse trials. She wears riding gear and has a number pinned to her. Standing next to her, also in riding gear and number (but minus a riding hat) we see Vicky. They are both smiling (posing) for camera. Rodney puts the magazine down and stares blankly into space. We now hear the front door open and hear Del's and Albert's voices. Albert (OOV) I don't know why you couldn't of left it till tomorrow! Del (OOV) Will you give it a rest Albert? You've done more bleedin' whining than a spin-dryer! Albert enters, he is exhausted and wiping sweat from his brow with a hankie. Albert Rodney's back Del Boy, some- one must have paid the ransom! Del enters, he too is wiping sweat from his brow. He gives Rodney a glare and then moves to the drinks cabinet. Rodney What's up? Albert What's up? Where you been all afternoon? Rodney I went down the library. Albert What for? Rodney See if me shoes were done! What d'you think I went to the library for? To get a book! Rodney holds up a book. Del Burke's? What is it - a teach-yourself book? Rodney It is a genealogical and heraldic history of the British peerage! Albert Yeah, well while you've been wasting yer time down the library I've had to help Del collect a consignment of computers and stack 'em in the garage! Rodney Well, a bit of hard work won't hurt you Unc! Del And how the hell would you know? Rodney I don't bel... Alright, so I had this afternoon off, is that such a big deal? Del I ain't concerned with this afternoon Rodney. What I'd like to know is what the bleedin' hell were you doing this morning? Rodney You know what I was doing this morning! I was on look -out in the market. Del Oh, you was on look-out alright, but it weren't for the Old Bill, was it! I almost got a tug from the local gendarmerie while you were chatting that little tart up! Rodney Well, I didn't see any coppers! Del Of course you didn't 'cos you had your nose buried in her etchings! I've been grafting all day long to make us a few bob, and all I've seen of you was a fleeting glimpse as you went into the landscape department. Rodney (Maintaining his pride) Alright! Sorry! I'll pay more attention in future! Del Make sure you do, otherwise you'll be going down the road! Rodney This might not be the right time to ask, but can I have tomorrow off? Del Can you...? I don't believe you said that, Rodney! Rodney It's important Del! I've gotta go somewhere. It really is important - honest! Albert You alright son? Del (Equally concerned) Yeah, you gotta go to the hospital or something? Rodney No. I have to go to the National Art Gallery! Albert Oh, it's an emergency then? Rodney In certain respects, yes! I'm an artist! Albert So was Hitler! Rodney Why don't you keep your nose out of it, Albert? Albert It's none of my business son! I'm saying nothing on the matter! If Del don't mind you taking the rise out of him, that's fine by me! I'll make some tea. Albert exits to kitchen. Rodney Look - that girl who was selling the paintings down the market, Vicky, well neither of us has ever seen the Leonardo Da Vinci cartoon! Del I've never seen the pyramids but I don't have a day off sick for it! Alright Rodders, take Vicky, or whatever her name is, up to the National Gallery. And while you're mooching around discussing the brush strokes and pretty colours, you tell her that your big brother ain't giving you no wages this week! Rodney Oh come on Del, that ain't fair! Del Ain't fair? Because of you and your dopey paintings I came within three yards of a sudden summons this morning! That ain't fair Rodney! Rodney Well thanks a bunch! Thanks a great big bunch Del! That is - that is just cosmic! I'm supposed to take her out tomorrow and I'm pot- less! It'll be right embarrassing. Specially with her coming from a money background. Del (Reading the newspaper) It's a tough old world innit... (Without taking his eyes from newspaper) What d'you mean, a money background? Rodney Her old man's very wealthy. Del Why? What game's he in? Rodney I've gotta tell someone, Del. But promise me this will go no further? Del Righto, it's just between us. Rodney Have you ever heard of the Duke of Maylebury? Del The Duke of...! Give over, you twonk! Rodney It's the God's honest truth, Del! Del No! Rodney Del, cross my heart and hope to die in a cellarful of rats! It's the truth! Del What that little girl...? Her Daddy...? Rodney Honest, it's for real! Del Bloody hell! Rodney It's our secret, alright? Del Yeah, yeah, course it is! Albert enters from the kitchen. Del D'you hear that, Albert? Rodney reacts. Del (Cont'd) D'you know that little sort of Rodney's knocking around with? Albert What about her? Del Her father - only owns a pub! Albert Go'n, you're pulling my leg! Del No, he owns the Duke of Maylebury. It's over Nunhead Way, innit Rodney? Rodney No! No listen! He don't own the Duke of Maylebury! He is the Duke of Maylebury! He's nobility! He's a peer of the realm! Del and Albert stare at him, now they both burst out laughing. Del Leave it out Rodders! I've seen a picture of the real Duke of Maylebury in the Sporting Life. He owns that horse, Hansome Samson, second favourite for next year's Derby. That little bird looks nothing like him! She's no more nobility than you! Rodney shows them the photo from the Country Life maga- zine. Rodney No? Have a look at that! Del I don't believe it! That's the girl from the market! Albert Which one? Del Her there, with the long hair. She's with Princess Anne at a rodeo or some- thing! Rodney (Referring to Burke's) They're in here as well. Her father's sort of second cousin to the Queen! Del and Albert, mouths open in disbelief, just stare at Rodney. Rodney Vicky's in here as well. (Finds page) Here are. Her full name is 'Lady Victoria Marsh Hales'. Of child of Sir Henry Marsham, K.G.B. G.L.C. B.O. and Bar. Four- teenth Duke of Maylebury! Family home; Covington House, Upper Stanameer, Berkshire. Del and Albert look at each other. Del (Angrily to Rodney) You ain't had a go at her, have you? Rodney No, I ain't! Del Well, you keep your mucky mitts off her! Otherwise we'll have her mother throwing royal perogatives all over the shop! Rodney I doubt it, her mother died nine years ago in a skiing accident! Albert Alright then, answer me this. If she is a titled lady, what's she going out with him for? Rodney reacts offended Del Listen Albert, Rodney has got a lot of qualities. She might have been smitten by his rakish charms and boyish good looks! Then again she might be a posh tart who fancies a bit of scrag! You never can tell. Tel Aviv as the French say! Rodney Look, Vicky and I just happen to relate to each other well. We've got a lot in common. Albert No, son, she's got a lot and you're just common! Rodney He's giving me the right 'ump, Del! Del Hold on a minute! Albert might have cracked it! I think I know what this is all about! Listen to me. It is a well known fact that every two or three hundred years or so, the aristocracy have to bring a bit of common stock into the family to water the old blue blood down a bit. Albert (Indicating Rodney) What, and they can't do better than that? Do me a favour! Rodney I'm gonna whack him right round the ear'ole in a minute! Del Well, why shouldn't it be Rodney? I mean, Mark Phillips was a commissioner! Albert But there's a common and there's a common! Mark Phillips was a wealthy man and well known in the Royal Courts. Rodney's polo mint and well known in the magistrates court! Del Well, I don't care what you say. I reckon Lady Victoria Marsham-Hales has been instructed to sort herself out an old man from the lower classes. And Rodney's in the frame! Rodney, ask her to marry you! Rodney Mar... I don't wanna get married! Del Listen to me you dipstick! Don't you see what this could lead to? Vicky is the sole heiress to the Maylebury fortunes! She's got no brothers or sisters and the old gel popped her clogs half way down the giant slalom! So when the old duke finally says bonsoir to this mortal curl, she becomes the Duchess! And you know what that means Rodney What? Del Albert, I want you to remember this moment. We could be looking at - the future Duke of Maylebury! Del bows to Rodney. We see Rodney lounging back in the armchair. He has a roll-up between his lips. One foot is resting on the knee of the other leg so we can see his big boots. Albert He don't look like a peer of the realm! Del Not at the moment, no. But a coronet, bit of ermine, get rid of them boots and he'll be a dead ringer! Rodney I don't want to be a Duke! Del Don't give me all that Tony Benn cobblers! Think of all the advantages! You'll be a member of the House of Lords! Albert Yeah... we'll be able to watch you on the telly having a kip. Rodney Del Boy, so far all I have done is buy Victoria a plate of egg and bubble at Sid's cafe! That is hardly the basis for a marriage proposal! Del (Horrified) You took one of the Queen's relatives to the Greasy Thumb? What is the matter with you Rodney? The poor little mare'll be up all night with the thrupenny- bits! Their palates are different from ours. They can't eat egg and bubble! Rodney Well Sid didn't have any venison on the menu today! I am not asking her to marry me! In a few weeks I might not even like her! Del I don't care if you chuck up at the very sight of her, Rodney! Albert Del ain't asking you to like her - just marry her! Get your plimsoles under that old Chippendale and you'll never look back! You'll be a titled person. Rodney Dracula's a titled person! Del He's only a Count. Anyway, he ain't real! Rodney I'm beginning to wonder if you are! Del, Victoria and I are like... Well, we're more like mates than anything! We have just one mutual interest - art! Other than that we're worlds apart! I mean, she wants us to go to places like.. well, the opera. Albert Why, what's on? Rodney An opera! Albert I mean what opera? Rodney I don't know! Carmen or something! Del That's one of my favourites. (Singing) Figara, Figaro, Figaro, Figaro! Rodney Hear that Unc? He knows all the words! Listen, I don't know the first thing about operas? And besides, it's impossible to get tickets for the opening night. Del If you want tickets for the opening night, you shall have tickets for the opening night, Cinders. Rodney How? Del How'd you think? Limpy Lionel the tout! He can get tickets for anything! Albert Gonna cost, Del? Del What does money matter compared with little Rodney's happiness? When you see that little tar... her ladyship, tell her you've got tickets for the opening night! And it's my treat Rodney. Rodney Oh cheers Del Boy! You're a pal! You are a real pal! Del produces a wad of money. Del And I want you to pay for her to get into that art gallery tomorrow. Rodney No, art galleries are f... cheers Del! Rodney takes the money. Del Then I want you to take her for a right slap up meal. Steak, wine, the works. I mean, don't get her Oliver Twist or nothing! We don't want a scandal! Rodney takes the rest of the money. Rodney Leave it to me, Del. Del And when you see that Leonardo Da Vinci cartoon - you laugh! Rodney Why? Albert Let her know you get the joke! Rodney Oh, of course! (Counting the money) Well, don't you worry. I'll be laughing alright! I'm gonna whip down the pawn shop and liberate me evening suit. See you later. Rodney exits through hall door. Albert Well, that's a turn up for the book, Del! Young Rodney marrying into the Royal family. How d'you think the Queen'll feel about it? Del Dunno really. I s'ppose when she first hears the news she'll be a bit gutted. But once she meets him I think she'll like him. I mean, he's a nice boy. Friendly, polite, respectful. He'll have to knock them roll-ups on the head. You can't waltz round a garden party with a packet of Green Rizla sticking out of yer morning suit! Albert Here, we might be able to wangle ourselves a winter cruise on the old Britannia! Del No Albert, No! We're not gonna ponce off 'em! That sort of thing causes family rifts. And another thing, let's not count our chickens before we've crossed 'em? I'm starting to get a funny feeling. Albert What, something might go wrong? Del If we leave it in Rodney's hands it's a guarantee! He ain't got a clue when it comes to women! That bob's been blown-out more times than a wind-sock! Sometimes you have to help Rodney to help himself. Albert Yeah, but what can we do? Del We can help him to make the right impression! That is the most important thing - the impression! He's gotta prove that he appreciates the finer things of life. Show that he's au fait with gracious living. Albert surveys the debris of the flat. Albert How's he gonna do that? Del shakes his head in a superior, smug way. Del This is where I come in! Simply to add that element of good breeding. A little touch of refinement, a sprinkle of sophistication! (Checks watch) Right, I'd better phone Limpy Lionel and sort these tickets out. EXT. NIGHT. ONE OF THE LONDON BRIDGES. The lights of the embankment and the reflection from the river give us a sense of sophistication as we see a sleek, chauffeur-driven limousine glide past. Seated in the back of the limo we see Vicky, dressed beautifully for the opening night (seated on driver's side) and Rodney wearing a white dinner-jacket, black bow tie (seated near-side back). Since managing the impossible and getting two tickets for the opening night, Rodney is a lot more confident in her company. Vicky I still don't understand how you managed it! Even Daddy couldn't get tickets for the opening night, and he tried everywhere! Rodney Oh, it was nothing really! I have - let's just say - contacts! We see the chauffeur (Eric) eyeing Rodney in the rear view mirror - he knows Rodney's bullshitting. Rodney sees the eyes reflected in the mirror and reacts embarrassed. Vicky But they must have cost the earth! Rodney I didn't ask - I just told my man, 'Get them!' We see Eric's reaction. He sighs and shakes his head. He looks in the mirror again. Rodney sees his reflection in the mirror. He looks from the window sheepishly. EXT. NIGHT. THE ROYAL OPERA HOUSE. We see the limousine pull up outside. Eric alights and opens the back door for Vicky. Eric Have a nice evening Miss. Vicky Thank you Eric, I'm sure we will. Vicky moves towards pavement. Rodney, who assumes Eric will open his door, is still seated back. Eric leans into the car. Eric Oi, out! Rodney Oh, right! Rodney opens the door himself and alights. Rodney and Vicky ascend the steps to the Opera House. INT. NIGHT. FOYER OF OPERA HOUSE. Rodney and Vicky enter the packed foyer and begin to make their way towards the person taking the tickets. Rodney produces the two tickets from his inside pockets. Vicky (Purely as a joke) I hope they're not forger- ies! She laughs. Rodney laughs, now stops suddenly, his face frozen. He realises how right she may be. As they move across the foyer a few people nod and smile to Vicky. Rodney is oblivious to it all, he is like a zombie gripped with fear. Ticket Collector Good Evening Lady Victoria. Vicky Hello. Ticket Collector (Taking tickets from Rodney) Thank you, sir. Rodney has a manic grin. The ticket collector checks the tickets. Looks up to Rodney. We see his silly grin. The ticket collector now smiles at Rodney, tears tickets in half and hands him the stubs. Ticket Collector Thank you sir, have a nice evening. Rodney (Sounding idiotic with nerves) What? Ticket Collector I said, have a nice evening sir. Rodney Oh! Thank you. Thank you very much. Rodney and Vicky move away. Vicky Is there anything wrong? Rodney No, I'm fine! I'll get us a programme. Rodney moves to the programme seller. Rodney Two programmes please. Prog. Seller (Before handing him the two programmes) That's eight pounds, sir. Rodney No, I said two programmes! Prog. Seller They're four pounds each, sir. Rodney Oh... Right! Rodney pays for the programmes. Rodney and Vicky continue on their way towards bar. Vicky Rodney. I know you'll think me a frightful old bore, but you know you'd invited me to a soccer match on Saturday? Well, I'm afraid I'll have to cancel. Rodney thinks he is getting the brush off. Rodney Oh! Well, that's no problem Vicky. Vicky I have to go home you see, Daddy's invited a few friends down to the estate for the weekend - a shoot and then dinner - and I simply have to be there, I'm the lady of the house these days. Rodney No, that's alright. I understand. Vicky Would you like to join us, as my guest? Rodney Oh, em... well... Vicky You could stay overnight and then on Sunday I'll take you for the most wonderful lunch at our little local. Rodney Well... thank you Vicky, I'd love to! Vicky Oh, that's super! INT. NIGHT. THE BAR. OPERA HOUSE. Rodney Can I get you a drink? Vicky A very dry white wine and soda please. Rodney Right. Shan't be a moment. Rodney moves through the crowd towards the bar. Rodney (To Barman) Excuse me! Could I have two very dry white wines and soda, thank you. We now hear, from the very back of the bar. Del (OOV) (A high, shrill whistle) Rodders! Rodney is frozen. He is the only one who doesn't turn and look in the direction of the noise. Rodney is shaking his head in disbelief as Del, in his flash mohair evening suit, arrives at his shoulder. Del Alright bruv? (Indicating watch) I was getting a bit worried, the old time was creeping on! (To an elderly lady who is staring at him) Alright darling? They reckon it's a good 'un tonight! Del shouts down to the barman who is serving Rodney. Del (Cont'd) Oi John, when you've finish- ed yer dinner break, any chance of some service? Rodney He is already serving me! Del Well, that's alright then! Get us a cubra libre, Rodney. Rodney What the bloody hell are you doing here? Del Oh charming, after all I've done for you! There were four tickets up for grabs! And you know me, I love a bit of opera! Rodney You? The only opera you've ever seen was Tommy, and that was on video! You've never seen an opera in your life! Del I've never milked a cow in me life but I still like a bit of cheese! Vicky joins them. Del (Cont'd) Good evening, Victoria. May I say you are looking particularly lovely? Vicky Thank you. I didn't realise you'd be joining us tonight. Del Yes, there were four tickets available, you see. Rodney (Quickly) And I bought 'em all! Del Eh? Yes, and Rodney bought them all! He's like that, generous to a fault! We cut to another part of the bar. Exiting from the ladies room we see June. Her dress is too low, too short and too tight. A slit up the side of the dress reveals even more of her fishnet stockings. She wears silver stiletto shoes. She is heavily made up and wears a lot of junk jewellery. She carries a handbag which is more like a kit bag. Rodney, being the tallest, spots June over the heads of the crowd. He doesn't recognise her immediately. Rodney I don't believe it! Vicky You don't believe what? Rodney This is the Royal Opera House and someone's ordered a kissogram! Del Never! Where? Del peers through the bodies and spots June. Del (Cont'd) (To Rodney) You saucy little... That's my bird! Rodney (Horrified) No! Please Del, it's not! Del It's Junie! You remember June! Lives over in Zimbabwe House! Rodney (Feels like crying) Del, I used to go out with her daughter. Del Don't worry. She won't say a word. June joins them. Due to the tightness of her dress and height of her heels, she doesn't actually 'walk'. She kind of totters. She has a glass of Benedictine and lemonade. Throughout the evening, Del treats her warmly and almost affectionately. June I weren't sure where you'd got to! Them karseys ain't half posh. Del You only go to the best places with me, sweetheart! Allow me to introduce you. Lady Victoria, I'd like you to meet June Snell. Vicky Good evening, June. June Hello, you alright? Del (Nudging her) Oi! It's Lady Victoria! Remember? June Oh yeah! June curtseys as Del has trained her to. June (Cont'd) It's a great pleasure to meet you, m'am. Vicky (Embarrassed) Please, it really isn't necessary. Del Oh no, Victoria. June likes to keep herself in perspective, don't you girl? June Yeah, I think it's best! Del You remember Rodney. June Wotchyer. (To Vicky but referring to Rodney) He used to go out with my daughter Debby! Rodney reacts. June (To Rodney) She's living with a Cypriot geezer now! Rodney T'riffic! Vicky changes the subject to save Rodney's embarrassment. Vicky So you're an opera buff as well, are you, June? June I saw one once. It was on BBC2. Our telly had gone up the wall and that was the only channel we could get. You came round that night Del, remember? Well you'd delivered the telly, hadn't you? Del That's right. (To Vicky) Just needed a little adjust- ment, that's all. June There was that world famous foreign bloke singing, weren't there? Del Yes. Wonderful voice! June Oh yes, he was very talent- ed. Great big fat git, weren't he? Del Mmmh, but couldn't he put a song across? (To Vicky) Of course, this is my most favourite opera, Carmen. (Begins to sing) Figaro, Figaro Figaro Figaro Figaro! Vicky That’s from The Barber of Seville. Del Eh? Vicky It's not from Carmen, it's from The Barber of Seville. Rodney (Like an expert) Yes, definitely The Barber of Seville. Del Of course it is! Of course it is! I don't know what's the matter with me. I always get Carmen and The Barber of Seville mixed up! June Well, Carmen is a hair- dryer innit? Del Of course, that's it! The bell that warns the show is about to start rings. Del (Checking Watch) Blimey, he's rung that one early, ain't he? Rodney Well, hurry up, we might get another one in! So it's white wine and soda. June? June I'm on Benedictine and lemonade. Vicky Excuse me. The bell is simple to warn the audience that the performance is about to begin. Del and Rodney look at each other, they both feel right prats. Del Yes, we know that! Rodney Yeah, we know that, we just thought we might have time for a quick one! Vicky I don't think so. We really ought to be taking our seats. Rodney Yes of course! (Proffers his arm) May I? Vicky Thank you. She places her hand on Rodney's arm Rodney and Vicky move towards the exit. Del (Gesturing to June) Come on then. June How come she's got a pro- gramme and I ain't? Del She can read! June (Accepting the explanation) Oh! Del struts towards exit. June trotters after him. INT. NIGHT. THE AUDITORIUM. On stage the production is in full flow. We see a section of the audience where, in the centre of a row we see June, then Del, then Rodney, then Vicky. Del is mouthing along with the song although we can tell that he doesn't have a clue what the words are. He moves his hands passionately and contorts his face emotionally. June is sucking on the straw of a plastic canister of orange juice which she most probably bought in the foyer. Vicky is enthralled with the performance. Rodney is feign- ing interest but is also concerned about Del's behaviour. June reaches the end of her orange juice. We hear that awful slurping sound of liquid and air. A few people in the audience turn slightly at the noise. Vicky is too spellbound to hear it. Rodney is embarrassed. Del ignores it, he's sed to these sort of noises. June drops the empty carton on floor. Del (To June) Blinding opera innit? June It's alright I suppose. It don't get going, does it? Del It's not s'pposed to get going! This is culture! See, you don't come to an opera to enjoy it, you come because it's there! June Oh, I didn't know that! I like Vince Hill! Del (In total agreement) Yeah, yeah, I like Vince Hill as well. He's almost culture. Not quite, but almost. OOV Sssshhhh! Del (Looking for the culprit) What's that about? June Dunno. Maybe there's someone talking somewhere. Del Yeah, maybe. So people have got no protocol. June Na. June searches round her big handbag. She produces a squashed and already open box of liquorice allsorts. June (Cont'd) I've got a few liquorice allsorts left. Del You got one with the hundreds and thousands on it? June