Only Fools and Horses Originally By John Sullivan
Episode year – Summer of 1992. (part 1 here)
‘All You Need Is Bruv.’ part 2
SCENE 2 – Peckham Community Play Centre. Del and Albert turn up at the centre to pick up Raquel and Damian. As Del pulls up, smoke from the engine whafts towards the children and parents who are exiting the building. Del Boy toots his horn.
SCENE 2 – Peckham Community Play Centre. Del and Albert turn up at the centre to pick up Raquel and Damian. As Del pulls up, smoke from the engine whafts towards the children and parents who are exiting the building. Del Boy toots his horn.
RAQUEL:
That’s the way Del. Infumigate the entire estate with this bloody van.
DEL BOY:
Alright sweetheart? You been waiting long?
RAQUEL:
Not too long, no. Can we stop off at the supermarket on the way home?
DEL BOY:
Yes, course. Why?
RAQUEL:
I need to pick up some nappies for Damien.
DEL BOY:
Hello champ! Did you have a nice time playing? I bet you’re all thirsty aren’t you, eh? Let’s get you a nice drink when we go to the supermarket, yeah?
(Damien holds out a drawing he made of Albert, which is fair to say that it isn’t too complimentary. This raises a giggle from Del.)
DEL BOY:
Ahh! Look, Unc! Damey’s drawn you a picture look.
ALBERT:
I fought for this young generation, and that’s how they see me is it?
DEL BOY:
You ungrateful old git!
RAQUEL:
That’s a lovely drawing, darling. Can mummy see?
DEL BOY:
Ere, what’s all this tissue stuff that’s stuffed all in his pockets look.
RAQUEL:
That’s just from wiping his nose. You know he’s been suffering with a cold lately. It’s freezing in that flat, the poor soul.
DEL BOY:
Yes, that’s because I’ve had a few problems with contacting British Gas lately. And I’m not talking about the funny sounds coming from Albert’s bedroom!
(Subtle backround laugh from Damien)
RAQUEL:
It might actually help you to pay them now and again, Del.
DEL:
I would if the bill was paid to British Telecom! Funds are a bit tight lately.
RAQUEL:
Damien’s health comes first. Pay the Gas bill, Trotter.
(Del Boy spots Mickey Pearce across the road and approaches him and uses this opportunity to exit his brief telling off from Raquel.)
DEL BOY:
Hello young Michael! ‘Ere, you looking forward to your wedding? And what you doing hanging around the children’s play centre? I should report you!
MICKEY:
Oi, I walk past here to get to my flat! And no, I have a feeling that we might be suffering from a bit of the old cold feet syndrome for this wedding.
DEL BOY:
Really? She come to her senses then?
MICKEY:
I just don’t think she appreciates the real me, you know?
DEL BOY:
The real you? You wouldn’t know the real you if you were handed your Birth Certificate and a mirror. What you on about?
MICKEY:
I have a personal and sensitive side, Del.
DEL:
Pffft!
MICKEY:
I’m having second thoughts about the wedding in total, Del.
DEL:
Don’t be a fool. You finally found yourself a bird and you’re planning on cancelling it? What kind of a selfish burk does that, eh?
MICKEY:
It ain’t me that wants to cancel it! It’s her!
DEL:
I fort you said she didn’t appreciate you? I was under the impression that you… never mind.
MICKEY:
Anyway, I’m looking forward to the stag do though, should be a right laugh! As long as Rodney ain’t pussy footing round Cassandra. That boy is a complete wimp, in he?
DEL BOY:
No, no, not a wimp. A plonker perhaps but he’s no wimp. No, no he’s just a natural born worrier. He’s always been the same. He won’t even let me go on your stag do! I mean, what have I ever done to him, eh? Have I ever caused him to land himself in a stressful situation?
MICKEY:
Yeah, well – to be honest, Del, I think it’ll have summin’ to do with the Margate trip and your trip to the states! Let alone the diamond smuggling business.
DEL BOY:
Shhh, shh! Keep your voice down! I’m still trying to lay my head down after that carnival. You do realise we were on the verge of being killed over there don’t ya?!
MICKEY:
Alright! Sorry! ‘Ere, I’m selling off a load of gear at the moment. I’m tryin’ to make a few quid for this bleedin’ wedding.
DEL BOY:
Well, you won’t have to worry about that now, will ya? You’re not exactly parading a count-down to the big magical day, are ya? What you sellin’?
MICKEY:
Cigarette lighters, pipes, key rings, pen knifes. That sort of thing.
DEL BOY:
Pen knifes? Who’s your target market? The Swiss army is it? I know they’re rough around here but we’re not in a civil-war.
(We hear Raquel in the backround shout at to Del)
RAQUEL:
Del!
DEL BOY:
Coming, sweetheart! Just sorting a bit of business with the blushing groom, ‘ere!
MICKEY:
You want to take the lot off me, Del?
DEL BOY:
No I don’t! I’ve got enough of me own stock to get rid of, ain’t I. Anyway, it was nice of you to invite me to your stag do though!
MICKEY:
I’m sorry, Del. Rodney is arranging it as he’s the best man and he is adamant you won’t be going!
DEL:
Well that’s charmin’! That is Jai’ bien de critique that is. After all I’ve got him involved with over the years.
MICKEY:
Well, you’ve hardly been likened to Michael Palin on your travels, have you?
DEL BOY
You saucy git! Never mind, I’ll leave you kids to enjoy yourselves. I’ve got plenty to be getting on with here anyway.
MICKEY:
I better head on now, I’m gonna try and get rid of this gear. They’re on sale or return.
DEL:
Mind how you go, son.
(Raquel calls out for Del again)
RAQUEL:
Derrick!
DEL BOY:
Coming sweetheart!
(Del crosses the road towards the van, where Raquel, Albert and Damien are)
ALBERT:
Can we get a move on? I got a singles match down the legion tonight. I haven’t even had me dinner yet!
DEL:
Alright, alright! Who you playing?
ALBERT:
Hairy Harry.
DEL BOY:
Hairy Harry? I don’t suppose he’ll be needing any amnesia products from Boots anytime soon. Right, come on. Let’s get captain Edward Smith to the shops.
SCENE 3 – NELSON MANDELA HOUSE – LATE AFTERNOON
(We see Rodney on the phone to what appears to be Cassandra)
RODNEY:
They’re out at the moment. Think they’re getting a load of shopping in…Look, Cass, you know I’m going on this stag do with Mickey and the others on Friday don’t you?… I’m not worrying. I’m looking forward to it. I would have thought it would be you that would worry about me going away and missing me and what have you?…. oh thanks very much!
Are you not bothered then?…..Why?…Oh because Del’s not going. Understand, yes. Well, I’m just trying to finish up the itinerary for this stag-do then I’ll probably nip down the Nags Head later. What do you mean again? I haven’t been since last Wednesday! Alright. Well, I’ll see you maybe later on then. It is OK to stay the night isn’t it? That sofa Del bought is a death trap. Those springs keep bursting through the mattress… Cosmic! Speak to you later, bye.
(Rodney goes to sit back down at the table, and seems to be writing up his itinerary and holiday check list.)
RODNEY:
Drinks, hotel, map for directions, pesetas money, boat trip form, night entertainment. What else am I missing?
(Rodney starts to laugh to himself once he’s realised what needs to go on the list, then thinks aloud)
RODNEY:
Nooo, Cassandra will find out.
(We hear the door open, where Del, Albert, Raquel and Damien appear)
DEL:
Ah, Rodders! Look Damey, Uncle Rodney is here see you look!
(Rodney gives his usual feared look towards Damien)
DEL:
He was asking for you earlier actually. I was checking the oil levels in the van, and when I held up the dipstick he said your name straight away, didn’t he Albert?
ALBERT:
Yah! Haha!
(Rodney grunts at Del)
DEL:
What’s that you’re writing there? Not another attempt at a screen-play is it? Blimey Rodney, you’ve written more plays than Macbeth!
RODNEY:
You mean Shakespeare?
DEL:
Yes! Macbeth was his first name. Blimey Rodney. No wonder you failed your Geography!
RODNEY:
Geog? Nevermind. I’m just gathering a list of things I need to take away with me when we go away next week.
DEL:
Yes, thanks for inviting me. You hurtful little sod. After everything I’ve ever got you involved in or invited to.
RODNEY:
Look, Del. Miami was the last straw with taking you anywhere. You’re cursed once you step foot outside of Blighty. You seem to attract trouble wherever you go. I reckon if you went to the Taj Mahal there’d be a Buddhist’s riot. I’m playing it safe with just Mickey, Jevon and his Mickey’s Dad. Even if they are a bunch of wreckless womanisers.
DEL:
Mickey’s dad is going?
RODNEY:
Yeah, apparently he paid for Mickey’s ticket so he thought he’d invite him along.
DEL:
Well, that’s nice of him. It’s more than our poxy father would have done. Cor! Buy me a plane ticket? I’d have been lucky to get so much a bus ticket off that tight wad. And it wouldn’t have been the bus ticket that got a punch, he’d have done that himself – to me!
RAQUEL:
Del, will you please move these boxes of junk away from the kitchen.
DEL:
Yes, course I will sweetheart. Rodney, move them boxes will ya?
RODNEY:
Me? Why should I do it? I don’t work for you anymore, Derek.
DEL:
La-coup de Monde, Rodney. All I’m asking you to do is hump a couple of boxes while I sit hear and play with your nephew. Which is what you should be doing. You don’t spend any time with him these days.
RODNEY:
Del, I have a wife and live elsewhere..well, used to. I can hardly spend my time babysitting when I have a full-time job to attend to and a marriage to fix.
DEL:
Alright, alright! I was just encouraging you to spend a bit of quality time with Damey. That is all.
(Del goes and moves the boxes away from the kitchen. He notices that he has a fax awaiting to be read)
ALBERT:
Is there any of that brandy left? I wanna quick drink before the big match. They’ll be a big crowd watching tonight Del, and that ‘Arry is unbeaten.
RODNEY:
A big crowd? How many is going?
ALBERT:
About twelve.
DEL BOY:
Twelve? I’ve seen bigger crowds at a dinner party hosted by Trigger. Mind you, it’s more than you’ll find down at Millwall on a Saturday!
ALBERT:
Well, most of the regulars have caught food poisoning. Must have been paying one too many trips to Sid’s café.
DEL:
Yeah, that sounds about right. Oh look, I got a fax from the troubled groom look.
(Del continues to read the fax in the backround but continues talking to Albert)
RODNEY:
What’s it say? Why is he faxing you?
DEL:
Oh, it’s nothing. It’s just a bit of business.
ALBERT:
I’m going down the legion. Hopefully return with a winner’s medal.
DEL:
You’ll be able to add it to your official collection then, Unc! This one would be real!
ALBERT:
What you on about? They’re all real!
RODNEY:
Derrick!
DEL:
Alright you two! Gawd, what is the matter with everyone today? I’m gonna nip in to the kitchen and see how Raquel is doing. Rodney, go and play with your lovely nephew. Damey – Uncle Rodney is going to sit and play with you. Why don’t you draw him a picture like you did for your Great, great Uncle Albert? You should see the picture he did, Rodney. I reckon he could be the next Da Pacino, I really do.
RODNEY:
You mean Di Vinci?
DEL:
No, Rodney! I mean Pacino. For someone with a GCE in art, you seem to embarrass yourself on the subject sometimes.
(Rodney and Albert look at eachother in dis-belief. Del exits to the kitchen to see Raquel)
DEL:
Hello darlin’, do you want ‘an hand?
RAQUEL:
No, it’s OK. Have you moved those boxes yet?
DEL:
Yes, I have. The lot should be gone by next week. It’s just a load of junk I should be able to knock off to Dirty Barry. He’ll buy anything him.
RAQUEL:
Why aren’t you going to this stag-do then? I would have thought you of all people would be the ring-leader behind this trip.
DEL:
What, me? Nahhhh, it’s a young mans game all that. I’ve got enough to be getting on with down here in Peckham. My stag do years are behind me love!
(Albert can be heard but not seen next door shouting to Raquel)
ALBERT:
It’s coz he weren’t invited love!
(Del reacts angrily and pops his head around the door to react to Albert)
DEL:
Oi, you ear wigging old div! Go on, naff off down the legion you cheeky old bark.
DEL:
Yes, I suppose also Rodney doesn’t want me going.
RAQUEL:
Oh, Del. Nevermind. I wouldn’t have liked you going anyway.
(Del suddenly looks away and reaches in to his pocket at the fax that he received from Mickey)
DEL:
Exactly! What would I want with sunning it up in a place like Barcelona, eh? I got Mike and the boys in rainy old Peckham. Right, I need to make a quick phone call to Sunglasses Ron, and then after dinner I’m gonna nip down the Nags Head. Do you fancy coming along?
RAQUEL:
Yeah why not. Shall we just leave Damien here on his own as well?
DEL:
Rodney can look after him!
RAQUEL:
No, Del. It’s unfair to expect Rodney to give up a whole evening, just so you can jolly up with your mates.
(Del immediately shouts to Rodney from the kitchen)
DEL:
Rodney! What are you doing tonight?
RODNEY:
Sod off!
(Del enters the living room to have ago at Rodney)
DEL:
Oi, oi, oi! Watch your language; Damian will pick up on it. Tell her she can stay ‘ere. Be nice for us all to spend a bit of quality time together. Just like all families should.
RODNEY:
No! That’s the last thing I want.
DEL:
You are a heartless little git sometimes, Rodney. Mum said to me on her deathbed..
(Interruption from Rodney)
RODNEY:
..Not this again Del.
DEL:
Mum said to me on her deathbed that her biggest wish for both of us, other than to be healthy and happy was to be around family.
(We hear Albert glugging his brandy and releasing a huge belch)
DEL:
He’s about as subtle as an air-raid siren. What I was saying is, that mum would have wanted us to make sure we make the most of eachothers company. I’m sure Cassandra wouldn’t mind?
RODNEY:
I don’t care what you say, Derrick. I am staying at my..MY house tonight with my wife. Plus, how the hell are we supposed to..you know..with a houseful of you lot?
DEL:
You’re one saucy git, you are. Is that all you fink about?
RODNEY:
Eh? You’ve room to talk. It sounds like a scene from planet of the apes coming from your room of an evening.
DEL:
Oi! Damien..shh.
RODNEY:
Anyway, why are you so bothered about me and Cass staying here? We’re guaranteed time alone at our place.
DEL:
I thought Cassandra’s Dad was kipping down after Pamela chucked him out?
RODNEY:
He’s gone back now. He’s promised to lay off fish food for a while. Anyway, as I was saying, why are you so bothered about me staying here tonight?
DEL:
So you can babysit!
RODNEY:
Babysit? Oh thank you, brother. That’s the only reason you wanted me here. Just so’s you can go out and get hammered with the others.
DEL:
Don’t be a plonker all your life, Rodney! We’ll only be a couple of hours, plus you’ll have the place to yourself!
RODNEY:
No we won’t. We’ll have that little sod running around.
DEL:
Little sod? Who you calling a little sod. I dread what you call Damien behind my back.
RODNEY:
(Rodney realises Del not catching on to what he referred to Damien)
Yeah, yeah you’re right. I didn’t mean it. But I am NOT babysitting!
continues tomorrow…
