All You Need Is Bruv part 3 is based on characters from Only Fools and Horses Originally By John Sullivan
Episode year – Summer of 1992. (part 1 here) (part 2 here)
‘All You Need Is Bruv.’ part 3
SCENE 4 – THE NAGS HEAD, PECKHAM.
(We can see Del, Raquel, Cassandra, Boycie, Marlene, Mickey, Jevon, Mike and Trigger. We see Trigger talking to Mike across the bar regarding his latest purchase.)
MIKE:
What is it, Trigg?
TRIGGER:
What do you mean, what is it? It’s one of them mobile phones.
MIKE:
A phone? Give it ‘ere.
(Mike takes the phone off Trigg and has a play with it)
TRIGG:
It’s a load of rubbish. You don’t get to choose who you speak to. I’ve never come across it before.
MIKE:
Trigg..it’s a CB Radio. It’s not a mobile phone. Is that what you were thinking?
TRIGG:
Yeah.
MIKE:
So who do you think you’ve been speaking to when using it? Chris Evans?
TRIGG:
I dunno. I just assumed they knew me!
(Mike walks away in disbelief)
MIKE:
Tracey, can you takeover please.
(Camera pans across from the bar to where Del and the others are sitting)
BOYCIE:
What’s that sound?
DEL:
Eh?
BOYCIE:
Sounds like a radio or something, very faint. Where’s it coming from?
Jevon:
It’s coming from your jacket, Del.
DEL:
Oh yeah! So it is look.
CASSANDRA:
It’s not that C.B radio is it?
(Del picks up his CB Radio and listens out to see who is trying to contact him)
DEL:
Hello? Who is it that is picking up my line?
(We can hear a muffling sounds which cuts out)
DEL:
Bloody thing. I don’t know why I carry one with me, really I don’t.
BOYCIE:
Oh dear, didn’t Barry take them off you in the end?
DEL:
Only one. I think they’re quite handy at times. I keep one on me for little Damey to play with.
CASSANDRA:
Who’s looking after him?
DEL:
Rodders. I insisted he come out to join us but he was adamant that he wanted a bit of parental practice and to look after Damien. The boys got a heart of gold.
RAQUEL:
What do you mean he was adamant? You locked him in the flat and took the keys. The poor bloke was nearly crying.
DEL:
Noo he wasn’t! He was probably getting a touch of the old arachnophobia.
CASSANDRA:
You mean claustrophobia?
DEL:
Yeah, probably that ‘an all. It’ll teach the saucy git to have some sort of personal vendetta against me by not inviting me on this stag do.
MICKEY:
So about my wedding, I don’t want none of you lot going out of your depth and spending too much on me.
BOYCIE:
Ha! You can say that again, Mickey. You’ll be lucky to get a gift from the Salvation Army!
DEL:
Don’t worry, Mickey. I’m sure your wedding guest will splash out on you. There’s a sale on at pound-stretchers.
DENZIL:
When is your stag do, Mickey?
MICKEY:
We leave on Friday at 8am. We’re getting a taxi to the airport.
(We hear Del’s CB radio go off again)
RAQUEL:
That damn radio is going off again, switch it off.
DEL:
E’re listen, it’s Trigg look! Look at him over there, the dozy sod. He thinks he’s calling the Samaritans look! I’m gonna wind him right up. Shh!
(We see Trigg at the bar with his ear to the speaker of the radio and Del talks in to the phone and attempts to fool Trigger)
DEL:
Well, hello there. This is John Major. Are you reading me?
TRIGGER:
Hello your royal highness. It’s an honour to be speaking to you all the way in America.
(Confused reaction from the others)
DEL:
(To the others)I don’t believe him. The whally thinks I’m the prime minister with Royal blood situated in bloody Washington!
(Del continues to wind Trigg up)
DEL:
Hello? Yes, I’m still here. Speaking as your honoury Prime Minister..of the U.K..the U.S, please buy the entire pub you’re currently in a round drinks! Coz they’re all bloody parched!
(Del and the others share a laugh while Trigg looks on in the background still stood at the bar)
RAQUEL:
Stop it, Del. The poor bloke gets confused enough as it is.
DEL:
Trigger! Come on, come over here look and grab yourself a drink.
TRIGGER:
I was about to anyway Del, I’ve got to get a round in. That was you who was on the radio phone thing just now, wasn’t it?
DEL:
Yes, Trigg. It was me. Unless there’s been huge political changes in the States and John Major has emigrated. Well come to think of it, he may as well have been.
TRIGG:
Where’s Dave?
DEL:
He’s babysitting. How you getting on with the CB radio, Trigg?
TRIGG:
I like it. Especially now I know it’s not a mobile phone. It’s quite handy listening to other people’s conversation of an evening. It gets a bit lonely at my place. It’s been that way since my Nan passed on.
DEL:
Ah, well, I know Trigg. E’re, you don’t join in with any conversations do ya?
TRIGG:
Well, I had been. They didn’t know who I was. I thought I was ringing my cousin who lives abroad.
DENZIL:
Trigg, you can’t speak to anybody outside a radius of about 5 miles.
BOYCIE:
I doubt he could speak to anybody within 5 metres, Denz.
TRIGG:
But now I know it’s not a mobile, I won’t get confused and think my phone is calling any old number.
DEL:
Yeah. You see, Trigg. The beauty of the CB radio is you can ear wig peoples conversations if you’re ever bored.
BOCYIE:
I remember when Marlene’s mum called our house number, I’ve never laughed so much when we came home one day to find that she had a conversation with the answer machine, the daft cow.
MARLENE:
That wasn’t my Mum. That was me.
BOYCIE:
Oh yeah! I can hardly tell the difference these days.
MARLENE:
Well, for the record, the one-way conversation was more interesting than talking to you! Especially when I realised I was talking to myself.
CASSANDRA:
Anyway, I wonder how Roddie is getting on. I feel bad for him for being on his own.
DEL:
No! Don’t you worry about it sweetheart. He’ll be alright. Damey loves him he does. Rodney is brilliant with him. He’ll have everything under control.
(The scene cuts to Rodney back in the flat asleep on the sofa, with Damien sat next to him laughing as we see a used nappy placed near Rodney’s face. Damien has an un-lit cigar in his hand also. Rodney wakes up and notices the nappy on his head. We see him panick and moan at the same time regarding this and see’s Damien with the cigar in his hand. The scene then pans back to the pub)
DEL:
Mickey, can I have a brief board meeting with you over by the executive bar please.
(Del and Mickey get up and walk to the bar)
DENZIL:
What’s Del want out of Mickey I wonder?
BOYCIE:
Gawd knows.
(Enter Uncle Albert. Albert has returned from his match against Hairy Harry)
RAQUEL:
Hello, Albert! How did you get on?
ALBERT:
Don’t ask, dear. (Calling out towards the bar) Mike, I’ll have rum.
DENZIL:
What were you playing? Dominos?
JEVON:
I hope it wasn’t battleships.
ALBERT:
Yah, I was absolutely cheated out of the game I was. But, I don’t want to talk about it. Where’s Rodney?
CASSANDRA:
He’s babysitting with Damien.
BOYCIE:
Or is that dipstick being babysat by Damien? We hand Tyler over to Marlene’s mum. Easiest solution. For us, not the toddler! It can’t be an easy ride for the littlen having Marlene’s mum look after you. I bet when Tyler saw his Nan coming towards him, it was very much like Cruella capturing a lost puppy.
MARLENE:
It’s funny, she makes the same statement about you. I wish you two would just get on.
BOYCIE:
I’ve tried, Marlene. She hates me. I don’t know what I’ve done or what I’m supposed to do to get her to treat me like a normal human being.
MARLENE:
A personality transplant would be a start.
(Del finishes talking with Mickey and comes over to the table where the others are sat)
DEL:
Right, everything is cushty. I think I’m ready to turn in. You ready love?
RAQUEL:
Yeah, OK.
DEL:
Alright Unc? You coming? How did you get on in your match?
Uncle:
I lost. He cheated. I don’t want to talk about it.
DEL:
Nevermind. I’m sure you’ll relate it to some war time story soon enough. Ciao everyone. (Towards Mickey and Jevon) Have a nice time away chaps. See you soon.
All:
Night.
SCENE 5 – NELSON MANDELA HOUSE, PECKHAM.
(Del, Raquel and Albert are walking towards the flat discussing Rodney)
DEL:
He’s a good boy. He’ll have him settled down and the little champ should be fast asleep.
RAQUEL:
I hope so, Del.
DEL:
Have some faith in the boy!
(Del enters the flat. Rodney looks warn out and pleased to see Del)
RODNEY:
Thank Gawd for that.
RAQUEL:
Is he asleep?
RODNEY:
Yeah. He eventually did. Only because he decided to head butt me while I was kipping on the sofa, which knocked him out! He’s OK though. No bruising or nothing.
DEL:
You vicious git! I can’t trust you with him can I! We’ll be getting the social services round here before long! Jeez.
RODNEY:
Oi! It was he who smacked his head on me, not the other way round. Anyway, he’s asleep now. I’ve spent half the night clearing his mess up.
ALBERT:
It’s only a few toys, Rodney.
RODNEY:
I’m not on about his toys!
DEL:
Oh shut up you tart.
RAQUEL:
(Returning from Damien’s room)
He’s absolutely fine. Sound asleep. Thanks for looking after him, Rodney.
RODNEY:
See. Right, I’m off home. Finally get to capture some of my evening with Cassandra.
DEL:
Oh, you needn’t worry. She’s probably gone to bed now. She’s been down the Nags Head all evening.
RODNEY:
Oh lovely! So while I’ve been playing Mary bloody Poppins, Cassandra’s been down the Nags Head havin’ a good time.
DEL:
What do you mean ‘havin’ a good time’? It weren’t all that bad, you were spending some quality time with your little nephew! You ungrateful little dipstick!
RODNEY:
But!…
(Del using his convincing and persuasive face, knowing Rodney can’t come back at him)
RODNEY:
Yes, I suppose. I’m off to bed
DEL:
Good boy! Night Bruv.
ALBERT:
I’m gonna turn in ‘an ‘all. Night Del, Raquel.
DEL/RAQUEL:
Night.
DEL:
It’s not been a bad evening has it sweetheart? We’ve had a lovely drink. The old man of the sea and his shipmates have enjoyed a thrilling game of dominos, and Mickey Pearce has given half his stock for me to sell on. Everyone’s a winner.
RAQUEL:
All accept poor Rodney.
DEL:
Oh, he’s alright. He cherishes that boy. Anyway, he gets to leave this dump in a few days and is off on his ‘olidays aint he. Lovely jubly!
RAQUEL:
Yeah, I suppose so. Well, I’m gonna go to bed.
(Del has a smirk on his face)
RAQUEL:
Not that sort of early night, Trotter.
continues tomorrow…
