Today we have a new Only Fools Script from Tom Griffith.
Its based on the characters from Only Fools and Horses Originally By John Sullivan
Episode year – Summer of 1992.
‘All You Need Is Bruv.’ part 1
SCENE 1 – Sid’s Café ‘The Fatty Thumb’. Del Boy, Albert, Marlene, Boycie and Denzil are in attendance. Sid is also seen working in the background arguing with Del’s mate Young Towser over some breakfast that was served up. We only partially hear the dispute, but the scene opens up with Sid dealing with a complaint. It’s around 10:30am on a Saturday.
SID:
(Reacting to a customer dispute with non-interest)
What’s wrong with it?
TOWSER:
It’s too lumpy. What’s this?
(Picks up what appears to be egg white)
SID:
(Shouts to one of the chefs round the back)
Brian! Young Towser says his breakfast was too lumpy, how did it get like this?
CHEF:
Table 4?
SID:
Yeah.
CHEF:
I let you cook it when I had a quick toilet break!
SID:
Oh yeah. I cooked it.
TOWSER:
Toilet break? I reckon it was cooked in the toilets. Can’t believe this place is still open, Sid.
SID:
What do you want me to do about it?
TOWSER:
I’ll tell you one thing, I been trying to land myself a diet to lose a bit of weight for some time now. I reckon it’ll be easier to pay a visit to your place as I’ll know I’ll throw it back up!
(Dispute continues in the background as the camera pans to Del and the others.)
DENZIL:
Nah, I’m not sure I’ll go. Things always get out of hand when we go on these trips. Need I go any further with that one. I’m not a party goer like I used to be, Del.
BOYCIE:
Yep, I agree with Denzil. Stag do’s are a young mans game Del Boy. No, I’m sorry but that’s the way I feel about it.
MARLENE:
You weren’t even invited!
(Concerned and embarrassed look on Boycie’s face)
DEL:
All I’m saying is, I doubt that Mickey Pearce will have anyone to take would he? Thought it would be nice if some of the old boys turned up. I could do with a break.
(Del nods his head while looking a head in to the distance, hoping to go on the stag do)
ALBERT:
You wanna stay away from certain parts of Barcelona, Del.
DEL:
Why?
ALBERT:
We shipped out there during the 2nd world war.
(Immediate interruption of sigh’s from the group)
ALBERT:
It’s true! We were approaching the Baleanic sea, where these local fishing trawler men spotted us approaching the coast line and demanded we surrender all of our possessions including ourselves!
DEL:
Well, they wouldn’t have been all that keen on possessing you. One step on to their boat and you’d have sunk it!
MARLENE:
So, what happened Albert?
BOYCIE:
Well, whatever the outcome, Albert is involved so I wouldn’t anticipate a fashionable James Bond escape.
(Albert gives Boycie a funny stare)
ALBERT:
Well, over there you see, certain Europeans were known for their pick-pocketing, petty crime that sort of thing. We were taken closer to their shores when I realised that I smuggled in some illegal goods that would have got me banged up.
BOYCIE:
Petty crime?! That happens everywhere. Even with Trotters Independent Traders. You only have to see the junk they have in their lock-up to know!
DEL:
Boycie! That is slenderous! What sort of illegal goods, Unc?
ALBERT:
You mean slanderous?
DEL:
That’s what I said, yeah.
ALBERT
Fireworks, that sort of thing.
BOYCIE:
Bleedin’ fireworks?
Albert:
Yah!
DENZIL:
What was it? Some sort of celebratory occasion or something?
DEL BOY:
Probably ready to throw a party to celebrate their first success at sailing the seas and not sinking for a change!
ALBERT:
No! I used to take this kind of equipment with me if we were ever in any sort of danger. I set the fireworks off as we were edging ever so much closer to the shore, where the police were waiting to hand-cuff us and and probably put us away for importing illegal equipment into the country.
DENZIL:
Then what?
ALB.ERT:
As I lit the firework, it tipped over and blew our boats engine! The Spaniards jumped ship in fear of facing fire, and we sailed back a few hundred yards back to our boat, even though the engine was on fire. We saw that the Spaniards who jumped ship were arrested and apparently put behind bars for the rest of the war. All because they also confiscated some pen knifes, and cigarette lighters.
BOYCIE:
And what has this got to do with them young fools going on a stag do to Barcelona?
ALBERT:
Well..I’m just saying that not only do they have pick-pocketers out there but you’ll get hounded by the local police for anything you carry on you.
DEL:
But what are the chances of Rodney and Mickey Pearce being that dangerous? Blimey, they’re not out there to celebrate bloody bonfire night. Jeez, you and your stories. They have absolutely no relevance sometimes. All the time!
BOYCIE:
Anyway, moving on. I have to finish up here. I have managed to seal a contract with a taxi company in Lewisham. It pains me to let go of the highly classed motors on the forecourt, but we’ve all got to make our living. (Showing off)
DEL:
Yeah, I know what you mean, Boycie.
ALBERT:
He can’t get rid of those C.B radios that he bought off Paddy the Greek.
DEL:
Yes, yes! Alright Albert. Thank you. No, it’s OK. They’re not selling well at the moment coz the price of having a licence with them is putting people off. I wouldn’t usually worry about that aspect but everyone who enquires about them always ask that same bloody question. So, I can’t get shot of ‘em. If I could just sell a dozen, I could cover me overheads for the month.
DENZIL:
How much are they?
DEL:
Well, they retail at a hundred nicker. I’m selling them for forty-five. I’m practically giving them away, Denz!
DENZIL:
Forty-five? Seems cheap? If I were you, I’d want at least sixty for each one.
BOYCIE:
That sounds like a good idea, Denzil. Del Boy, why don’t you chuck in your three-wheeler with the radio to make the sixty! HaHahahahahaha!
(Stern look from Del)
MARLENE:
I don’t know why you’re laughing. You’ve paid more than that to get your leg over!
DEL:
Did you mind him doing the dirty, love? Must have caused a storm?
MARLENE:
No! It was me who he paid!
(The others laugh at Boycie)
DEL BOY:
Right, I’m off. Come on, Albert. We’ve got to pick-up Raquel and Damien from the play centre.
ALBERT:
Why have I gotta come with ya?
DEL:
I dunno, I haven’t decided yet. Maybe I’ll drop you off on the way. We’ll pass TnT’s! See you all later.
All:
Bye Del.
DEL:
See you Sid! Remember, if the health inspector turns up, offer him a plate of that fry-up! Should scare him off for a bit!
SID:
Eh?
(Confused response while standing behind the counter with a fag hanging out of his mouth, and a plate of fried food in each hand, with his thumbs appearing to be touching the food)
DEL:
Take it easy, Young Towser!
continues tomorrow…