All You Need Is Bruv part 4

All You Need Is Bruv part 4 is based on characters from Only Fools and Horses Originally By John Sullivan

Episode year – Summer of 1992. (part 1 here) (part 2 here) (part 3 here)

‘All You Need Is Bruv.’ part 4

SCENE 6 – LUTON AIRPORT.

(Rodney, Jevon, Mickey and his Dad are stood in the queue waiting to go through customs.)

MICKEY:
How long is this gonna take, eh? We been stood here for nearly an hour.

Jevon:
I heard there was a terrorist scare.
(Jevon winding up the others, knowing it would frighten Rodney in particular)

RODNEY:
Terrorist? Jevon, where did you hear that?

JEVON:
Well, I didn’t. But why do you think we’ve been stood here for the last hour?

RODNEY:
Because!..there’s about 15 dozen other stag do’s in this queue and it’s a Friday afternoon. Terrorists scare. Whatever next. (Worrying response from, Rodney)

MICKEY:
‘Ere, I don’t mind waiting a bit longer. Look at that bird over there!

JEVON:
Where?

MICKEY:
Over there look, the one touching up that bloke.

RODNEY:
She’s a security worker. She’s not touching him up!

JEVON:
I wouldn’t mind the alarm going off when I walk through the sensor. I’ve already pulled more birds on this trip than you three and we’ve not even hit the departure lounge.

MICKEY:
Yeah, well.. I’m taking the more laid back approach and considering my lady’s thoughts back home. She wouldn’t appreciate me pulling some bird.

MICKEY SENIOR:
What do you mean? She’s the one that encouraged you to go away for your stag do so she could get her hands on that stripper for her hen night! Guilt playing on her mind I think.

MICKEY:
Yeah, that’s what I mean. I knew that didn’t I.

(Mickey clearly looking gutted and quickly changes his mind on the idea of not pulling)

MICKEY:
Yeah, I’m gonna have one last field day and see how many notches I can get on me bed post.

JEVON:
You won’t get anywhere, Mickey. Not with me around. The birds don’t go for your kind. You’ll have to learn from the love God that is my goodself.

RODNEY:
Will you lot pack it in? You’ll get us chucked out of here and there will be no stag do for anyone.

MICKEY:
Alright, Rodney! We’re only doing what lads do best. Looks like the security birds caught my eye. I must make sure I don’t declare this penknife I have on me!

RODNEY:
Throw that away!

MICKEY:
It’s a penknife Rodney. It’s to keep us safe from them pesky Spaniards your Uncle apparently spoke about.

RODNEY:
And what good exactly do you think that pathetic thing is gonna do, eh? That thing would hardly tear bog roll. Throw it in that bin, now!

(Mickey proceeds to throwing the penknife away)

JEVON:
She’s looking my way again
(Referring to the hot security bird)

RODNEY:
She’s probably warey of Mickey’s toenail clipper that he calls a penknife.

MICKEY:
I’ve got a good feeling about this holiday. Already Jevon has pulled twice! First of many boys!

RODNEY:
First of many? Since when have we ever managed to pull anyone on these trips? The only way you’re going to pull is by paying someone to do the unfortunate honours. Even if you resort to paying for it, I doubt you’ll get anywhere.

MICKEY SENIOR:
Is that because of my boy’s lack of charm?

RODNEY:
Well yeah, that and the fact we have no money. Anyway, we are not going on the pull. We are all but bloody taken, alright?

MICKEY:
Alright, Rodney! I’m only joking aint I. You need to lighten up. We’re on our holidays! Anyway, Cassandra’s got the hump with you again so what does it matter?!

RODNEY:
Look! Already, since this holiday all but bloody begun, we’ve encountered various problems. You (pointing towards Mickey) sleeping in and almost making us late for check –in. Jevon’s hormones going in to overdrive, and reports of Saddam Hussain holidaying on our flight! But not to fear, Mickey is here with his flick knife.

JEVON:
Relax, Rodney. Once we’re through customs we’ll have a few pints and then we’ll be on the flight. What could possibly go wrong?

SCENE 7 – Departure Lounge. Bar.

(The boys are sat down enjoying a drink. They spot Trigger near them sweeping up.)

MICKEY SENIOR:
Hey! There’s Trigg. Trigger!

RODNEY:
You’re kidding? Alright Trigg?

TRIGGER:
Alright, Dave? Alright boys?

RODNEY:
You work here now?

TRIGGER:
The council have a contract with all the terminals here, so sent me to train up the cleaning staff here.

RODNEY:
They sent you?

TRIGGER:
Yeah, well they wanted to send someone with a bit of experience and know-how.

MICKEY SENIOR:
They couldn’t get hold of anyone then?

TRIGGER:
No, so they sent me. Anyway, I’m finishing my shift in a moment. Then I’ll quickly check-in. Still have about an hour don’t I?

(The others seem rather confused.)

MICKEY:
Eh?

RODNEY:
You’re coming? I didn’t inv…

TRIGG:
I thought you said we were going on another beano to Margate?

RODNEY:
A beano to Margate? Trigg, since when did Luton do return flights to Margate beach?

TRIGG:
Oh. Well, is it alright to go wherever you’re going, Dave?

(Rodney has an awkward look on his face, as do the others. With some consideration, Rodney lets Trigg come on the holiday)

RODNEY:
Yes, yes OK. You better hurry up. They’ll be boarding pretty soon. Where are your things? You’ve got to buy your tickets yet!

TRIGGER:
I’ll be right with you. All my stuff is in my locker

(Trigg puts down his broom and leans it up against a bar stool and quickly exists.)

MICKEY:
A locker? He don’t pack much does he?

RODNEY:
Trigger’s brain doesn’t pack much.

SCENE 8 – CUT TO TRIGGER BEING SECURITY CHECKED AND WALKING TOWARDS THE DEPARTURE LOUNGE. WE SEE HIM LOOKING AT A CHECK-IN FOR ‘LAS RAMBLE FLO MARKHT’ OF GERMANY. HE HAS PURCHASED THE WRONG TICKETS AND BOARDS THE WRONG PLANE. HE SHOWS HIS TICKET TO THE STEWARD BY THE BOARDING DOORS.

TRIGG:
Hi, here’s my ticket. I dunno where my friends are. Will you tell ‘em that I’ve sat down already? I reckon they’ve been drinking too much and got on the wrong flight!

STEWARD:
Yes, sir. (Confused)

TRIGG:
Sometimes, it takes the sensible sober one to be group leader dunnit?

(Trigg makes his way through the boarding doors and on to the wrong plane.)

SCENE 9 -CUT TO THE OTHERS ON THE PLANE. BACKING MUSIC BEING PLAYED, NO DIALOGUE FOR THIS VERY SHORT SCENE.

WE SEE MICKEY, HIS DAD AND JEVON SAT TOGETHER. RODNEY IS SAT BEHIND THEM AND IS SAT BETWEEN TWO OLD PENSIONERS, NOT LOOKING BEST PLEASED. THE OTHERS ARE LAUGHING AT HIM AND TAKING PICTURES. AS THIS HAPPENS, YOU CAN LIP READ RODNEY SAYING “PISS OFF”.

THE SCENE OPENS UP WITH THE BOYS WALKING THROUGH CUSTOMS AND EXITING THE AIRPORT. THEY GET IN TO A TAXI AND WE SEE THEIR JOURNEY RIGHT TO THE HOSTELS ENTRANCE. THEY ARE DRIVING THROUGH A BUSY TOWN ON THE WAY TO LAS RAMBLES, AND WE SEE A CAR LOT ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD WITH THE OWNER STOOD OUTSIDE SMOKING A LARGE CIGAR. HE IS JUST LIKE BOYCIE, ONLY THE SPANISH VERSION. COMB-OVER HAIR CUT AND AN EVEN LARGER MOUSTACHE, COUNTING MONEY. THE CAR THEN PASSES VARIOUS STALLS ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD SELLING TACKY GEAR. THERE’S A LITTLE SPANISH GUY SELLING HIS GOODS AND TRYING TO CHARM THE CUSTOMERS. LIKE DEL, HE IS SHORT, LOUD AND IS WEARING SUNGLASSES AND WEARS LOTS OF JEWLERY. WE ALSO SEE A GORMLESS LOOKING INDIVIDUAL SWEEPING THE STREETS. THE BOYS LOOK AT EACHOTHER AND LAUGH TO THEMSELVES.

RODNEY:
Bloody hell, it’s a carbon copy of Peckham.

SCENE 10 – ‘THE FLYING PIG’ HOSTLE, LAS RAMBLES. THE BOYS CHECK IN TO THEIR HOSTEL.

RODNEY:
Hello, urr Ola. We..us, we’re here to check in. Here are our passports and confirmation of booking.

RECEPTIONIST:
Hello, thank you.
(Receptionist reads Rodney’s confirmation)

MICKEY:
Jevon, how about her then?

JEVON:
Learn from the master.

(Jevon attempts to woo the pretty receptionist lady and proceeds to talk in Spanish)

JEVON:
Hola hermosa. Estoy con algunos idiotas ¿por qué no podemos cumplir, tanto por nuestra cuenta más adelante para tomar una copa?

(Translated in to on-screen subtitles – hello beautiful. I’m with some idiots so why don’t we both meet up on our own later for a drink?)

(The others appear
to look impressed with a grin on their faces)

RECEPTIONIST:
Usted la amabilidad puede cabrear!
(You can kindly piss off)

JEVON:
That’s the way to charm ‘em, Rodney.

MICKEY:
I didn’t know you spoke Spanish?

JEVON:
Always prepare my son, always prepare. You’ll never know when you need it most.

RODNEY:
Will you two behave? They’ll chuck us out on the streets.

RECEPTIONIST:
Thank you, sir. We have your room key here. It’s number 142. It is a 2 bedroom room.

JEVON:

What? I mean ‘Perdon’
(Pardon in Spanish)

MICKEY:
That’s wonderful. I get to spend the next 3 nights enjoying my freedom with you lot.

RODNEY:
It said it was a room for 4 people.

RECEPTIONIST:
It is a room for 8 people. The 2 beds are double bedded bunk beds.

RODNEY:
8 people? Ace! All that space. That’s not so bad.

RECEPTIONIST:
But..

MICKEY SENIOR:
Here comes the punch line..

RECEPTIONIST:
There’s currently 4 other people sleeping in the other beds in your room.

(The others sigh and despair)

RODNEY:
Isn’t there any other room we can have?

RECEPTIONIST:
We have one other room for 3 people with 2 beds.

RODNEY:
Oh! We’ll take that one if it’s alright.

RECEPTIONIST:
No, I’m afraid this room has just been booked by somebody else. I am sorry sir.

RODNEY:
Oh, OK. Thank you. Come on then you lot, let’s get the party going.

(They lads walk up a flight of stairs except for Jevon, who continues to talk in Spanish to this pretty receptionist, but we hear in the backround that the short-lived conversation isn’t going very well, followed by a slap. The others laugh.)

SCENE 11 – IN AND AROUND LAS RAMBLAS. WE SEE THE BOYS WALK AROUND THE LAS RAMBLAS ENJOYING THEMSELVES. MUSIC WILL BE PLAYED WITH NO DIALOGUE. A COUPLE OF AMUSING MOMENTS WITH THE BOYS HAVING A LAUGH AND EYE-GOGGLING THE LOCAL WOMEN. ONE CLIP, WE SEE JEVON EYE UP A LADIES LONG LEGS, AND EVENTUALLY THIS LADY TURNS ROUND AND IT’S A LADY BOY. WE ALSO SEE THE BOYS EATING TAPAS, WITH MICKEY IN PARTICULAR LOOKING HORRIFIED AT THE FOOD ON HIS PLATE.

CUT TO NIGHT TIME. THE BOYS ARE SAT IN A LOCAL BAR ENJOYING A FEW DRINKS, WHEN A GROUP OF LOCALS APPROACH THE LADS AND COME ACROSS AS QUITE FIERCE.

RODNEY:
OK, don’t look now but there seems to be a group of very tough looking Spaniards who seem to want our blood.

JEVON:
Where?

RODNEY:
Over there!

MICKEY:
Why would they want our blood, Rodney? You’re not frightened are ya?

(Mickey grinning with the others)

RODNEY:
I am not frightened. But they’re probably a bit mad at you due to the fact that on our way in here, whilst feeling confident, you shoulder-barging your way past ‘Big Foot’ and told him to ‘mind out the way’ where you spilled half your drink down his front jacket!

MICKEY:
It weren’t my fault, Rodney! I’ve had a few to drink aint I? I’m on me stag do!

RODNEY:
Well, I suggest we drink up and get out of here.

JEVON:
Drink up? We’ve only just got here.

(Jevon walks off towards the gents)

MICKEY:
Yeah, come on Rodney. You’ve got nothing to be scared of. Remember that I still have my Ikedo black belt and Jevon is practically Bruce Lee!

RODNEY:
Oh great. The one time that somebody is required to have some form of martial-art skill behind them, and it’s you that I have to rely on to use it!

MICKEY:
What do you mean? I got my black-belt didn’t I?

RODNEY:
The black-belt you nicked from the instructor’s changing room locker. No wonder they chucked you out of the class.

MICKEY:
I suppose that now Jevon’s wondered off, we’re a man down.

RODNEY:
Man down? What’s this? Army commando?

(Rodney notices the fierce looking Spaniards walking towards them)

RODNEY:
Oh shhh.. here they come. Let’s get out of here.

(Rodney, Mickey and his dad quickly make a brisk exit out of the club and walk in to what they think is the exit to outdoors. They appear to enter creepy looking room with a few punters sat down at tables, smoking and drinking cocktails)

RODNEY:
Where the hell are we?

MICKEY:
I dunno, but I can hardly see a thing. Dad? Where are ya?

MICKEY SENIOUR:
What the bloody hell is going on here? I can just make out a load of tables and chairs with a load of blokes sat down. Bloody hell! Just whacked into summin’ a bit hard.

RODNEY:
Don’t worry, I wouldn’t have thought it was Mickey.

(Rodney attempts to speak to the blokes sat down at tables around them)

RODNEY:
Um, excuse me, uhh porpa-voi? Uhh..Can you tell us where we are and where the exit is?

(The seedy looking men around them give Rodney and the others a disgruntled look)

MICKEY:
Eh! Maybe they think we’re a band?

RODNEY:
A band? What are you on about?

MICKEY SENIOR:
He could be right, Rodney. Look, I can’t really make much out but we appear to be on a slightly higher level up. It’s as if we’re on a stage or some sort? Plus, I just banged in to what I think is a microphone stand.

MICKEY:
Yeah! We’ve probably gate-crashed a back-stage gig or summin! It’s the return of Bunch-o Whalleys!

RODNEY:
Shut up!

(Suddenly, some lights switch on and it appears the lads are actually on a stage, and some male strippers come out on stage to perform for the seedy looking men. Rodney, Mickey and his Dad look horrified and quickly run towards the fire exit)

RODNEY:
Bunch-of Whalleys? More like a bunch of Oileys!

SCENE 12 – BACK AT ‘THE FLYING PIG’ HOSTEL.

RODNEY:
Move up will ya?

MICKEY:
Me?

RODNEY:
Yes, you. Who else?

MICKEY SENIOR:
It’s a bit cramped in here, aint it? We’re all squashed in here like Ann Frank’s hideaway, where next door, some sod has booked the room for himself.

MICKEY:
I bet Jevon is comfier than us. I dunno how he manages it. I could have pulled that bird behind the bar.

RODNEY:
Except she wasn’t a bird.

MICKEY:
Yes she was. Alright, she was a bit rough around the edges but had summin’ about her.

RODNEY:
You don’t think that ‘summin about her’ was the facial hair and Hulk Hulgan-esque build?

(We hear a knock at the door)

MICKEY:
Who’s that, Rodney?

RODNEY:
I don’t know, do I! Go and look.

MICKEY:
Me? Why have I gotta go?

RODNEY:
Because you’re the one with an Ikedo black-belt, remember?

MICKEY:
Yeah, but it weren’t mine!

RODNEY:
Oh! Now you play down your heroic achievement. And where’s Jevon when you need him?

MICKEY SENIOR:
He copped off with some sort from one of the bars we were at.

RODNEY:
Well, I hope for your sake (Points to Mickey) that it isn’t the human wardrobe you spilt your drink over from earlier and told to lay off the paella!

(A knock sounds again – Rodney and Mickey looking scared)

MICKEY SENIOR:
Who is it?

(We hear a deep voiced sounding man who appears to be talking in multi-language speak)

PERSON AT DOOR:
Rio-de-janiro! Pusz-Koos la amigo. Bonsoir chatteugh?

MICKEY:
He sounds confused – go and answer it Rodney.

RODNEY:
Me?

MICKEY:
Go on! Nothing to be frightened of.

(Rodney walks towards the door. He quickly steps back and looks at Mickey and his Dad)

MICKEY SENIOR:
Oh, get out the way. I’ll do it. Jeez, a lot of use you two would make as minders!

(Mickey Senior opens the door, which follows a huge sigh from Rodney and Mickey)

DEL:
What a bunch of 42 carrot plonkers!

RODNEY:
But? What? What the bloody hell are you doing here?

DEL:
Oh! That’s charmin’ ain’t it? What a lovely warm welcome I receive from the little burke, look. Alright Mickey’s one and two?

MICKEY SENIOR:
Alright, Del? How the hell did you know we were here and why are you here?

RODNEY:
Hold on a minute. I’ll do the challenging on this one. Del, how the hell did you know we were here and why are you here?

MICKEY SENIOR:
I’m glad I let you intervene; you obviously have a far superior way of approaching these things than I do!
(Sarcastically spoken to towards Rodney)

DEL:
Look at you lot, look. Cramped in here like a bunch of illegal immigrants. Why didn’t you just book a bigger room, eh? I got a lovely spacious room next door, aint I!

MICKEY:
Well, that solves the mystery to why we had to stay in this dump.

RODNEY:
What are you doing here, Del? I cannot believe you followed us all the way out here? Just so you could get involved and probably get us in to yet more trouble. This was supposed to be a relaxing get-away from all that nonsense.

DEL:
That’s charmin’, aint it, eh? After all I’ve done for you. You sayin’ all them words to me, is like a knife being stuck in to me heart.

RODNEY:
I’m sorry, Del. It’s just, well.. you turning up out the blue is a bit of a shock…hold on a minute, I smell summin’ fishy here. What’s going on?

DEL:
Look, it’s merely a bit of business I’ve got going on, alright? Nothing for you to worry about.

RODNEY:
Del, if ever you’re in the middle of any business and in a foreign country where you’re within yards of my vicinity, I tend to wanna know about it!

DEL:
Alright, Rodney. Shh, calm down. Now listen. You know Sunglasses Ron? Well, he knows someone out here who has a bit of business he can send my way and I fought, well..you know, I’ll be up for a bit of that. Honest, Rodney. That is the only reason why I came out here.

RODNEY:
It just seems to be a bit coincidental that some business happens to fall your way during the exact time and location we’re on a stag do.

DEL:
Don’t you get saucy with me, Rodney. Ok, ok. I admit. I fancied getting away for a bit. Mickey has a mutual contact out here who can sort him out some gear to sell on. I’ll make a killin’ Rodney. You know the money is needed back home. I can hardly heat the flat at the moment. There again, with Albert there, who needs British Gas?

RODNEY:
You knew about this? (Talking to Mickey)

MICKEY:
Yeah. I had to keep it from you, Rodney. You were stressed enough as it is.

RODNEY:
Oh! I suppose I can rest easy now, eh? And that is why you two had that private board meeting back at the Nags Head. Who is this contact you’re meeting anyway?

DEL:
How did you know that?

RODNEY:
Cassandra told me.

DEL:
What’s that blokes name out here, Mickey? Wonda? Wondo?

MICKEY:
Wondo, Del.

MICKEY SENIOR:
He’s bound to have a few tricks up his sleeve, eh?

(Mickey Senior smirks)

MICKEY:
He’s says the market is there for CB Radios and other electricals. Del has a consignment load to sell on too.

RODNEY:
Oh yeah? And how the hell did you manage to get them through security?

DEL:
Easy, bruv. I checked them in to me main luggage didn’t I? Anyway, there’s nothing illegal with bringing electrical equipment into a foreign country is there? I mean people these days bring their mobile phones and watches and all sorts.

RODNEY:
But Del, you are selling these on to the locals. I suppose you won’t be declaring tax on them?

DEL:
Leave it out, Rodney. They don’t need me to claim the tax. It’s not as if they need the money, eh? Everyone’s on their ‘olidays out here, ain’t they. Anyway. I’m going to bed. Look, we’ll go out and enjoy ourselves tomorrow, eh? What you got planned?

RODNEY:
Well, after this evenings events, I think we’ll keep our heads down.

DEL:
Where’s Jevon? I thought you said he was in attendance?

(Towards Mickey)

MICKEY SENIOR:
Oh. He copped off with some bird.

DEL:
Not the stripper I booked you, was it?

MICKEY:
What stripper?

DEL:
I booked you a surprise stripper at the place you plonkers were at. I knew you lot would go there coz Sunglasses Ron’s mate knows just about every bar manager in Las Rambla so I told him to have a word with a few of the owners to keep an eye out for a small group of British stand-outs on a stag! I did tell ‘em to give you a private show, Mickey. On stage, like.

(The others realise that the previous encounter with the gay strippers was organised by Del.)