ONLY FOOLS AND HORSES
-Jolly Boys Evening-
Download Script (24K)Based on characters created by John Sullivan.
INT.DAY. THE NAGS HEAD.
Del, Rodney, Trig and Boycie are sat around the table as Sid brings their drinks.
SID. Have you got those leaflets printed Del?
DEL. Of course Sidney, that’s why I have our band of “merry men” gathered together. I just been over to Alan’s and picked ’em up. There sitting ready in the van, hot off the press.
RODNEY. Yes there hot alright, does Alan know how much you printed?
DEL. Anyway…
TRIG. Can I pay you tomorrow, Del?
BOYCIE. What on earth do you want printed then?
TRIG. Business cards.
Denzil. But you haven’t got a business!
TRIG. I know, but Del said you never know when you need one!
BOYCIE. Ah well that explains it.
DEL. (changing the subject) Well Sid your publican ball leaflets are in the van and Boycie, your garden party invites are all done to order.
DENZIL. What about my order?
DEL. Yes Denzil, though I’ve improved the look and feel of your yellow paper request, by expertly supplying you with a high quality cream ream.
RODNEY.I wondered where those nicotine stained A4 reams went.
DEL. Well chop chop Rodders, unload the van for our customers.
RODNEY. Do it yourself, you got the keys.
DEL. (feeling around) no I ain’t you got ’em.
RODNEY. Del I remember at least 20 minutes ago you asking me to get the first round in while you locked the van.
Del starts to realise he may of left the keys out in the van and then leaves in a rush.
A few seconds pass and then Del charges through the Nags Head doors.
DEL. You wally Rodney, they’ve nicked the van!
RODNEY. Well it ain’t my fault.
DEL.I don’t believe it.
BOYCIE. I should worry it was barely an Austin Martin.
DEL. No, no, it’s not that.
DENZIL. Well can’t Alan reprint the leaflets?
DEL. No, no Denzil it’s not that either, it’s my wally brother filled the van up with fuel last night! 20 flaming quid, up the swanee!
DENZIL. OH!
TRIG. So you gonna let the police know?
DEL. Don’t be silly Trig, the vans more wanted than Saddam Hussein. We’ll all have to keep a our eyes peeled.
RODNEY. Yes, I mean there can’t be many 3 wheeled vans around these days.
DEL. I’m gonna give Alan a call to see if he will let me have another print job.
Del phones Alan and then finishes the call
DENZIL. Well I can give you both a lift back if you want.
DEL. Cheers Denzil, you’re a mate.
Denzil, Rodney and Del leave the Nags Head
5 seconds later Rodney comes flying through the door
RODNEY. (Shouting): Oi, they’ve only gone and returned the van!
BOYCIE. (does his laugh)
Boycie, Trig and Sid join the others outside the pub. There’s the van parked up with keys in the ignition. Rodney inspects the boot while Del walks round the front.
RODNEY. All the leaflets are here. They haven’t taken a thing!
DEL. Well I won’t say what you’re all thinking. Anyway, look, what’s this.
Del picks up an envelope
TRIG. What you got Del?
SID. Lets ‘ave a look
Del opens the envelope to discover a note and several tickets inside
DEL. I don’t believe our luck, listen, it says “I’m really sorry to cause any inconvenience, had to borrow van in an emergency, please take these tickets as a gesture.” Look at that, 6 tickets to go dog racing this Thursday night.
SID. Well I’m up for it as I’ll get Marilyn to keep the Nags Head open Thursday night.
DEL. Hang on, who said I’m ‘anding ’em out, at 10 quid a ticket that’s 50 quid. Any way as I’m feeling generous, and as Raquel and Cassandra have taken Damien to Alan and Pam’s farmhouse, I suppose it would be a goodnight out.
BOYCIE. Yes and as the “Jolly Boys Outing” was boycotted by the wives this year, we’re well overdue a good night out.
DENZIL. Yes come on Del, it would be a “Jolly Boys Evening”.
DEL. Well as long as it don’t require driving a coach there or staying in a haunted hotel I suppose it’s harmless.
RODNEY. I’m not sure if Cassy will want me out with the lads, I always seem to get in trouble. It does seem very funny that someone borrows the van for 10 minutes and then returns it with 6 complimentary tickets.
SID. So what time does it start?
DEL. Says here, 7pm Thursday, Dilbert Street Entrance.
SID. Well why don’t we meet up here, and then go on after a few jars.
RODNEY. IT just seems so generous of ’em, they’ve gotta be counterfeit.
DEL. Rodney, that is the British public. A maiden is in distress,due to my generosity, my van is at there service, – “ c’est la vie ” as the French say.
INT.NIGHT. THURSDAY 6:10 PM AT THE NAGS HEAD
SID. You got those tickets then?
DEL. Of course.
SID. So who you waiting for?
DEL. Denzil is picking Trig and Boycie up on the way through.
SID. Here they are now.
DENZIL. Sorry we’re late. Trig couldn’t find his car keys.
RODNEY. But Trig, you ain’t got a car!
TRIG.I know, but i still got car keys because…
DENZIL. It’s OK Trig, please don’t explain it all again.
RODNEY. Well lets go, let the Jolly Boy’s Evening begin.
After a few jars they all leave the Nags Head in Denzil’s van.
At the Dog Racing stadium they are let in using the tickets.
BOYCIE.I told you dog no.5 would win by a mile.
DEL. Yes well don’t forget who got you in ‘ere in the first place.
RODNEY. It’s hard to believe those tickets were pucka, but here we are. I mean 6 free tickets just for borrowing our van!
SID.I know, it does seem a bit charitable.
DEL. Oi our van might have feelings.
TRIG. Yes!
The evening goes well and all the Jolly Boys loose a few quid but have a good time.
DENZIL. Do you want dropping back to the Nags Head with Sid?
DEL. No, I and Rodders walked there, so a lift back to the flat would be in order.
DENZIL. Ok Denzil’s taxi’s at your service.
Denzil drops home Sid, Trig, Boycie and finally Del and Rodney.
INT.NIGHT. TROTTERS FLAT
Del is seen entering the flat first with Rodney thereafter.
The phone is ringing as they enter, Del answers it.
DEL. Alright Trig.
DEL. Yes
DEL. What!
DEL. No! I don’t believe it
DEL. No everything is as tidy as always.
DEL. You reckon the leaflets and business cards!
DEL. Yes, sorry.
DEL. Sid and Boycie too!
DEL. I’m gutted for you all.
DEL. See yeh.
Del puts the phone down
RODNEY. Well what was all that about?
DEL. Trig’s been burgled, along with Sid and Boycie, they’ve all been burgled, (phone rings again) that’ll be Denzil no doubt with the same.
Rodney picks up the phone
RODNEY. Hi Denzil, I know, we heard.
RODNEY. No we’re fine, I know.
RODNEY. Really, how much?
RODNEY. Marlene’s away she’ll go spare with him.
RODNEY. Ok, see you mate.
Rodney puts the phone down
RODNEY. Boycie’s had loads taken and so has Denzil, that’s seems funny don’t it.
DEL. Oh yeah we’re all in stitches with it!
RODNEY. No it seems funny all 4 of ’em burgled the same evening!
DEL. Well I forgot to mention Boycie’s theory. He reckons they saw all the business cards and leaflets with our addresses and used that to find out where we lived, all they had to do was get us out the house, thus the free tickets!
RODNEY. I see, so they knew we were at the dogs for the evening and did one job after the other.
DEL. Correct Clueso.
RODNEY. Just one thing Del, we had our address on some of the leaflets in the van, why didn’t they break in here?
DEL. They did, the door lock was broken as we came in.
RODNEY. But you never said.
DEL.I didn’t get chance as the phone was ringing as we came in and I kind of unconsciously noticed it.
RODNEY. You mean subconscious. But nothing of value’s been taken
DEL. Do I really need to say anymore?
RODNEY. It’s not been such a jolly boys evening after all!
THE END
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